I'm conflicted. Do I really want a threesome? I need help from someone knowledgeable to help me accept myself, at least to stop despising myself. Whatever the reasoning or fallacy, I just want to move on. I'm in pain.

I'm currently struggling with whether or not to pursue my fantasy of a threesome. Every time I think about it, I experience a mix of emotions: bitterness, excitement, fantasy, and disappointment. I don't know what to do. But every time I make love with my wife, this crazy thought always creeps in, causing me immense pain.
I'm starting to fear making love with my wife; the constant urge to have a threesome makes me feel guilty, burdened by moral dilemmas, a distorted sense of humanity, and mutated emotions. It's tormenting me, making me feel like a monster. I can't accept myself anymore. I can't talk about these thoughts with anyone except in this community. While our generation of young people can be considered open-minded, we're not all-encompassing.
Although I didn't receive much formal education due to my rebellious nature, I come from a scholarly family. Three generations of my family have been educated in the Confucian way, prioritizing intellectuals and teachers when choosing a wife. This makes it even more difficult and unthinkable for me to express this thought. Besides, we live in a small county town; if I revealed it, I wouldn't be able to maintain my footing in my hometown. The burden is too heavy, making it hard to breathe. Sometimes indulging, sometimes restraining, I don't even know which is the real me.
A person who is seen as very sincere by friends, very filial to family, appreciated by work colleagues, and whose character is recognized by casual acquaintances (within their circle of acquaintances and those who know me indirectly) has a good reputation. This puts me in a constant state of flux between my inner demons and my outwardly virtuous self. I don't know when this taut nerve will break.
Before the Lunar New Year, I suggested a threesome to my wife. She agreed, but then changed her mind, which I mistakenly attributed to her modesty. This fueled my inner demons, and they spiraled out of control. I even guided my wife during sex, and perhaps out of consideration for me, she usually relented. At this point, I was driven by my inner demons, morality and humanity taking a backseat, at least preventing me from feeling lost and fearful. Some inner turmoil was inevitable; after all, I am a man.
Around May 25th, guided by my wife's misguided signals, I decided to go all out and help her take that final step. I originally invited a few friends from 69, but time was too short. I made the decision this morning and had to carry it out that night (mainly because it's too difficult to have this kind of opportunity and feeling with my wife again, since we haven't really discussed this topic, nor have there been any signs of swapping or a threesome).
I wanted to invite friends from the surrounding area, but the few 69 friends I have on QQ are all offline. The only one online is in Beijing, and he can't come to our area in time. I even joked with that friend in Beijing, inviting him to come over sometime. Actually, I know I was just masking my inner turmoil, trying to cheer myself up, giving myself some confidence and an excuse to make the decision. I know I can be quite hypocritical sometimes. But I'm only human, not a saint.
Inviting 69 friends is also because we've known each other for so long, and it makes me feel more comfortable accepting of the community members. After all, we're all like-minded and at least they'll understand how I feel as a man. Of course, I also want to leave no room for backtracking. If I invite friends from out of town and then do nothing, I'll feel guilty. I'm just forcing myself to help the community members make it happen.
Whether I succeed or not, at least my friends won't think I'm fooling them. I'm also afraid of failing this time, so I'm hoping my friends in the community will encourage me to work together in the future. It's a way of pushing myself to the point where there's no turning back. It's hypocritical, isn't it? I know I'm just making excuses for myself.
Things can't always go according to plan. After giving up on my 69-year-old friend, I asked a female friend to find me a man she knew well—a skilled lover, sexually adept, and with a large penis (also a successful and well-mannered man). After all, successful people tend to have better manners and character.
I spent a few hours with him, and my first impression was good. That evening, I had him play the role of my client. My wife and I hosted a dinner for him (my wife is very supportive of my work). Dinner was casual—a hot pot buffet. I deliberately acted like we had a long-standing relationship, speaking casually and creating a relaxed atmosphere. My wife gradually helped us get into the mood, and we relaxed too. Eventually, my wife and the man found a topic they both enjoyed: singing. (I had informed them beforehand that the other party's wife loved singing and dancing, as she was a music and dance teacher.) They started chatting, and I said I was tone-deaf and wouldn't participate, deciding to eat everything and leave them hungry.
They seemed to be having a great time, and my wife would occasionally chime in with a few words. I used excuses like not understanding or being hungry to let them talk. After dinner, I suggested we go sing karaoke. I figured I couldn't argue, and I'd be a man too, so we wouldn't have nothing in common. Given the atmosphere and the fact that it was my suggestion, my wife didn't refuse.
The three of us went to a karaoke bar. I sang two songs but quickly gave up, handing the microphone to the two professionals. Watching their seamless teamwork, I felt confident that things would go well, especially with the alcohol. During breaks in their singing, I drank with the man (who has a huge capacity for alcohol), and I also frequently toasted my wife. In this atmosphere, my wife did get a little tipsy, so I added a little something to the drinks to lighten the mood. During the meal, I took advantage of the atmosphere to get my wife to take off her coat. After a few refusals, she finally complied. Seeing her down to just a rather revealing tank top only fueled my imagination and anticipation. My wife is quite beautiful; after all, she's a music and dance teacher, and her figure is undeniably stunning—straight legs, a high bust, and a certain air about her. This caused the man's eyes to blatantly display a naked desire and his primal possessiveness. I could feel it too, and I was also feeling a bit aroused myself. My wife didn't try to hide anything, and seemed to be enjoying it, even smiling at him. If I hadn't been there, the man might have been tempted to do something impulsive. With the combined effects of the alcohol and the drinks, plus their passionate duet, it felt like the time was right. The mood... the ambiguous atmosphere... the revealing clothing—everything was there.
While my wife was in the restroom, I had a brief chat with the man, since we had discussed the details that afternoon. I told my wife I was going out to pick up a friend and would be right back, so she wouldn't have a chance to leave with me. She agreed, and if he could manage to seduce her at the karaoke bar and make it a fait accompli, a threesome that night shouldn't be a problem. At this point, everyone should have thought success was just a matter of time. After
all, it was a two-pronged approach. But things didn't go as planned. Ten minutes after I left, my wife called, sounding a bit annoyed, asking when I was coming home. I thought she was just being polite and checking if I had enough time. I told her directly that I might be late, I was waiting at the train station, and the train was delayed, so it might take a while. I didn't give her a chance to speak, and hung up immediately, saying I needed to take a call. It took a lot of resolve for me to do that. Actually, I went to a hotel room and paced around it, lost in thought, not knowing what I was thinking. I felt things I'd never felt before, things that should and shouldn't have happened. Then,
the most unexpected thing happened: less than five minutes after I hung up, my father called, asking where I was. I immediately realized something was wrong; success today might not be as simple as I thought. I repeated what I had said before, but this time I didn't have the courage to hang up. As soon as I finished, I was met with a barrage of insults and a lecture. Apparently, my wife had realized something at the last minute, since we had mentioned it during our intimate moments. Seeing that I wasn't coming, she directly called my father to pick her up. Now, the whole plan was ruined.
I used the time I had bought to meet the man. It turned out the drug, bought from a pharmacy, was too weak, and they couldn't use too much for fear of complications. This was actually a good thing; although he hugged my wife briefly, she resisted and spoke very strongly. The man didn't force her, saying he respected her wishes. He later told me he had developed a little bit of affection for her, perhaps admiration, but in the end, he gave up on using force. I was speechless. Was this some kind of master of seduction?
And so, my first real attempt at a threesome completely failed. My wife probably covered for me in front of my parents, because they didn't pry into what happened that night. They just lectured me, saying a man should be caring, attentive, and responsible towards his family and wife, and not be careless in every way. They warned me not to create irreparable regrets. But my wife made it clear that I shouldn't be so clever in the future; I don't like threesomes and I don't accept them. We argued for a long time.
Then, after several days of relentless verbal attacks from my parents, the devilish thought finally retreated slightly. At the same time, it left me wavering on my moral boundaries, completely losing myself. Where is the real me? Am I a good person or beyond redemption? Every time the devil comes back, I remember my parents' words, causing me unbearable pain. I can only struggle internally. I dare not let my parents worry about me anymore, and I don't want to be an unfilial son. I don't know where to go from here.
A few days ago, my wife and I talked about women cheating and threesomes again. I told her directly, "You can cheat, but I need to know. It can't be public knowledge; it can only be a secret between you and your husband after you cheat." Then I discussed today's society with her, saying that one-night stands, infidelity, serious threesomes, and partner swapping are open secrets. I even mentioned that some teachers cheat, some have affairs, some are kept women, some are simply looking for money, some are just having casual sex, and some are having passionate affairs. I gave her some real-life examples of colleagues she knows. My wife still said she might not accept a threesome, but said she hasn't cheated yet. She couldn't guarantee the future, but she would at least accept single men and partner swapping, allowing both of us some independent space. She also clarified that she doesn't accept casual sex right now, but maybe she could consider it later. Finally, she stated that she accepts all of these things and isn't opposed to them. She also said she wouldn't use your infidelity as an excuse to divorce you. The only condition is that I must know and assess the other person's character.
We talked for almost three hours, and afterwards, we even had passionate sex. It made me relapse into that devilish thought. But I'm scared; I'm afraid my wife's actions are just a momentary impulse, and she'll turn on me later. I'm afraid of doing it again without informing her and making her lose face. However, she always likes to chat on QQ and insists she's not afraid of cheating if we don't meet in person. She's changed her QQ password and won't let me log in freely anymore. She adds all the friend requests, but
I know she doesn't really connect with many of them. I feel like this is sending me some kind of signal. When I'm home, she's very open and even shows me her chat history. But who knows what they're talking about when we're not together? I just don't understand what message my wife is trying to send me. I don't know how to interpret it.
Please, everyone, combine your wisdom and analyze this for me. I'm blinded by my own emotions; it's all up to you. Thank you. Whatever the conclusion, reasoning, or fallacy, as long as it helps me accept it, open my mind, or reveal my wife's true intentions so I know what to do next,
thank you all in advance for your help. After all, you can help a lost sheep or devil find themselves and return home.
Please feel free to share any good ideas you have, as long as they don't contain insulting language. I will read them all and carefully consider your opinions. Thank you all regardless of whether they are helpful or not. June 5
, 2013,
2:49 AM

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I'm conflicted. Do I really want a threesome? I need help from someone knowledgeable to help me accept myself, at least to stop despising myself. Whatever the reasoning or fallacy, I just want to move on. I'm in pain.

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