Desire Captive

The Prisoner of Desire

Emerges from the Loess Plateau (Part 1)
My name is Feng Yuze, and I was born in Northwest China—Gansu. Hehe, I was born into a rural family in the 1980s. Although Northwest China had made some progress with the "Reform and Opening Up" in the 1980s, it was still very backward, and of course, my family was very poor. I remember when I was little, because we were poor, our clothes were covered in patches. Sometimes when my friends and I played, we would accidentally tear the patches, and we would just use them as pockets, stuffing them full of all sorts of things, to the point that we couldn't even tell which one was the real pocket. Because we often slid on the loess soil (similar to ice skating, except we slid on our bottoms), our bottoms often had patches. Sometimes, when the thread sewing the patches on our bottoms broke, we would put our hands inside, like pockets to warm them.

Unlike city kids, we rural children didn't have all sorts of toys when we were young; we had to use our own "talents" to develop them ourselves. He'd wander around all day with a wooden stick, and a bunch of kids younger than us would run away as fast as they could from afar. They either had to run or join our gang. Anyway, I was so naughty back then, getting a beating from my family was as common as eating.

My family was poor when I was little; there were nearly ten of us, young and old, and our only source of income was my father's carpentry. I remember loving to follow him around as a child because I always got lots of treats. My father was an ambitious and honest man; he didn't like gossip, so he usually wouldn't let me come to him.

I remember when I first started playing independently outside, that was also when I craved the most. Watermelons were a rarity back then; we didn't grow them where we lived. Every time I saw others eating watermelons, my mouth would water, but we were too poor to satisfy my cravings.

My mischievousness was legendary in the village, because I had a cousin who was my partner. Together, we were a mischievous duo that even other kids were afraid of! Haha, because my mischievous childhood was basically spent growing up under the beatings of my family! ...

Later, our family separated from the extended family, and my father only needed to support the four of us. Our livelihood depended on the weather, and our income came from my father's skilled work. My health wasn't very good, and I often needed to take medicine. Most of the money my father worked so hard to earn went to buying medicine for me, always in huge bags. Because of so many injections, my buttocks became so sore that the needles couldn't be inserted anymore. My mother would always cry when she saw the bent needle, and not only my family, but even bystanders would cry! Seeing me like this, so young and suffering from so many injections, was heartbreaking for the adults, especially my mother. My father would just sigh deeply, because his sadness was deep inside. My family often said that my life was bought with money, so they loved me very much. Another reason was that I was a boy, and in rural areas, there's a common preference for sons over daughters!

My mother came from a large family; my maternal grandfather's family was wealthy. I often heard my mother talk about how she suffered a bit while living with them because there were so many family members. However, their life was still relatively comfortable because my grandfather was a businessman. My mother and father met through a matchmaker; they didn't have to date like people do now. But their relationship was incredibly strong, even stronger than many couples we date today! (From "

Walking Out of the Yellow Earth (Part Two)")
When I was little, I spent most of my time at my maternal grandparents' house. They doted on me; of all their grandchildren, I was their favorite. Of course, they would give me lots of good food. Because of their love, I loved staying at my grandparents' house!

Later, when I started school, things gradually changed. My grades were consistently good, and my teachers often praised me to my parents. My health also gradually improved, and by middle school, I no longer needed to take medication as often! Our family's circumstances had changed drastically; things were much better than when I was little. Every Spring Festival, many people would come to visit my father, who was a carpenter.

My father had aged considerably, and I had grown up. Due to health reasons, I didn't work as often as other children, so I had fair and clean skin. Many people said I looked like a southerner, and some even said I looked like a girl because of my good skin!

In 2001, I graduated from middle school. My exam results were decent, but I was a few points short of the school I applied to and didn't get in. I only received an acceptance letter from a vocational college. Life seemed to decide my fate this time, leading me onto a not-so-easy path—but that's another story.

After graduation, I stayed home for a while, having a great time. Then my father sighed, until one evening he talked about my future.

“Yuze, you’ve grown up. I thought you were good at studying and would get into a good school, leaving this yellow earth hill. But you don’t work hard, and now you can only continue digging in the dirt here. 'Maliang Mountain' (mountain name) has been dug by generations, and it’s still so high. You can’t dig gold out of this yellow earth hill! Your father has worked hard for half his life and hasn’t dug anything out. Now it seems you’ll have to dig here too. In a couple of days, I’ll make you a carrying pole. You can go back to carrying manure in the fields on 'Dragon King Slope' (place name). You see, is it better to study or carry manure?” The father sat on the kang (heated brick bed) smoking a cigarette.

When I heard my father’s words, I just smiled. I didn’t think much of it. It’s just carrying manure and doing farm work. It’s better than going to school. At least I don’t have to get up so early and can sleep well. After the farm work is done every year, I can leisurely bask in the sun. But I know I’m not cut out for it. I’m lazy. Relying on the heavens for a living is just competing with God for time. I can hardly do that. In the end, I’ll only starve to death.

Perhaps life's dreams are sometimes simple to imagine, but difficult to achieve; it's not that I'm afraid of being tired, it's that I'm running away!

"Don't laugh, little one, it'll be too late when you regret it, you'll have your day! I advised you before, but you wouldn't listen. You're so grown up, I can't very well hit you now, can I? You should understand things by now; I could hit you when you were little, but now you should have some self-respect, you'd feel embarrassed if I hit you again!" My father saw me standing there laughing and looked at me, saying,

"You're only tall, good for scaring thieves at night, but you definitely can't do anything else!" My mother, sitting on the kang (heated brick bed), laughed and said,

"Who says that! It can't be that bad!" Hearing my mother's words, I felt she was underestimating me.

My mother just smiled and didn't say anything more.

“Child, don’t be resentful. If you don’t believe me, try choosing a place like ‘Dragon King Slope’ and you’ll see. We’ve always told you to study hard, and it seems this is your own choice. We’ve done our duty; the rest is up to you!” My father said sternly.

“Okay, I’ll try!” To be honest, I was very resentful. Although I was a little afraid of my father, I didn’t believe his words at this moment.

The next morning, I was still dreaming when my father knocked on the door to wake me. I was reluctant, but to avoid being scolded, I got up and lay back down after he left.

“Yuze! Yuze! Get up quickly!” My mother called from outside the door.

“Oh! Okay!” I didn’t get up, just verbally agreed.

Actually, children my age had already started helping with household chores, but I had always been an exception. I would do it occasionally, just to deliver meals to my family members working in the fields; sometimes I would pick up farm tools and play with them, but my family would immediately stop me. But now, I was being “forced” to do it.

One morning in July 2001, I kept my promise and helped my mother carry manure from the fields on Longwangpo. It felt rather ridiculous; carrying the load, my back was bent, and I could barely walk steadily. I was practically running. My mother laughed behind me.

"Slow down, keep your balance, or you won't be able to walk anymore!" she called after me.

I knew my mother had been doing farm work for decades and knew the tricks of the trade, but I still found it very irritating.

"I know, I just want to run!" I said impatiently. Actually, I wasn't targeting my mother; it was because I didn't want her to think I was useless. I just wanted to prove I wasn't a good-for-nothing.

But when we reached the slope, I realized I had underestimated the difficulty! Just as my mother had said, I couldn't walk anymore. My steps slowed, and I felt a sharp pain in my shoulders, even a sensation of blood trickling down. I endured it, but my mother noticed.

"Yuze, put it down and rest!" she said, her voice filled with concern. Farmers are racing against time, preparing everything early to take advantage of good weather for planting; relying on the heavens means making the most of what they have.

Leaving the Loess Plateau (Part 3)
I heeded my mother's words, slowly putting down the load, letting out a long sigh, and standing on the cliff edge, feeling the mountain breeze. For a moment, I felt much lighter. This was indeed strenuous work; I knew I couldn't keep going like this.

The mountains of the Loess Plateau are very high, and after the crops were harvested, the landscape felt desolate. The wind blowing through the valleys was chilly, and I felt a chill in my heart, just like the mountain wind itself! For generations, the people here have relied on the heavens for their livelihood, battling against the elements! When the heavens grant favorable weather, the farmers are overjoyed, for it means a bountiful harvest.

The elders often say, "Facing the yellow earth, back to the sky, sweat dripping from the hoe's tip!" A very apt description. People often joke that they are "transforming the earth!" And they are right; the farmers are indeed transforming the earth, turning barren land into fertile fields, leveling hillsides! People often say that generations have been transforming the earth in Ma Liang Mountain, yet Ma Liang Mountain remains the same; no one has ever unearthed gold, only their backs have become bent, their faces tanned, and their hair white! A little rain brings hope, but insufficient rain brings worry; even with plenty of rain, there's the fear of hail during harvest. So, every harvest season, they rush to the fields before dawn to harvest the crops, because in the farmers' eyes, the golden ears of wheat are gold grown in Ma Liang Mountain!

The people here take pride in leaving this yellow earth, because they no longer have to toil "facing the loess soil with their backs to the sky" to transform the Ma Liang Mountains.

The Ma Liang Mountains are actually a mountain range, with man-made openings at intervals, which are now known as passageways. There's a verifiable legend about the origin of these openings: This yellow earth in Northwest China has historically produced emperors; the legendary ancestor of Chinese civilization, Fuxi, was born on this land, my hometown. When Zhu Yuanzhang, the founding emperor of the Ming Dynasty, ascended the throne, his strategist Liu Bowen, fearing the dynasty's downfall, advised severing all the dragon veins of the land. The openings on the Ma Liang Mountains were said to be Liu Bowen's doing. The dragon veins were severed, yet the Ming Dynasty still perished. Liu Bowen couldn't prevent the Ming Dynasty's demise because it wasn't due to dragon veins, but rather to history itself. No dynasty or individual can stop the wheels of history from turning; time marches on!

Every piece of land here has its own unique legend, which I will tell you in detail later!

Countless dynasties have changed, people's lives have constantly transformed, and society has progressed, but Ma Liang Mountain remains as towering as ever. The only change in Ma Liang Mountain, to say anything, is that its hillsides have been transformed into fertile plains.

Standing on the cliff edge, reflecting on this, I felt uneasy, for I might end up like this, inheriting the "work" of my ancestors, continuing to "transform" the loess soil of Ma Liang Mountain, transforming the earth!

"Yuze, let's go!" my mother said, shouldering the load.

"Okay!" I replied; I didn't know if this was an acceptance of my future fate or a compromise with reality.

I picked up the load and continued forward, slowly following my mother up the steep Ma Liang Mountain, for my destination was to conquer it!

My shoulder ached terribly, but I didn't cry out, only endured it; as my mother said, once you get used to it, it won't hurt anymore, and it won't bleed anymore!

In the end, I finally trampled Ma Liang Mountain under my feet. I wasn't the only one who trampled it; generations of my ancestors had trampled it before. It wasn't the first time I'd trampled it, but today felt like the first, because I was trampling it underfoot as a prospective farmer!

I was indignant, deeply indignant. I wanted to escape this yellow earth, this land that gave me birth and nurtured me. It wasn't that I was ungrateful to Ma Liang Mountain, but that I wasn't suited, not suited to be someone who could change the earth!

Finally, we reached our own land. My mother and I put down our loads. I plopped down, gazing at the distant Yellow Mountain, a feeling I couldn't describe welled up inside me. My parents hadn't misjudged me; I was indeed only suited to standing there at night to scare away thieves, completely incapable of doing this.

"Hurry up and bury the manure!" my mother said.

"Okay!" I got up and went over, picking up the shovel and turning over the yellow soil

. "Here you go, you're not cut out for this; let's see how you'll support yourself in the future!" my mother said, taking the shovel from my hand.

My mother was right. To survive on this yellow earth, one needs to master survival skills and methods to transform the land, but I know none of them. More importantly, I'm too lazy. This alone proves that I can't defy fate here; I'll starve sooner or later because what I lack is diligence! Everyone here is diligent because to obtain food from nature, one needs hardworking hands and actions!

"Let me do it!" I said defiantly, snatching the shovel from my mother's hand and starting to turn the yellow earth.

"Oh! Let's see how you do it!" My mother said with a smile.

I didn't say anything more, just smiled at her and continued turning the earth.

"Give it to me, don't waste time!" My mother couldn't stand it anymore and took the shovel from me. The txt e-book sharing platform, Shubao.com, is

about leaving the Loess Plateau (Part 4).
I didn't insist anymore, but just watched what my mother did. After watching for a while, I left and went to the edge of the woods alone to pick the fruit of a wild plant whose name I didn't know. I remember that when I was a child, I often followed the adults to the fields to pick fruit. I also remember that there were many kinds of plants whose fruits were edible. I still remember the names of some of them, such as "Sour Uncle" (phonetic translation). This plant is covered with sharp thorns, and the fruit is very small. When it is ripe, it is golden yellow and tastes very sour. I guess that's where the name comes from. Anyway, I don't know. I just remember that's what the adults called it when I was a child. There is also "Plum". There are two kinds. One kind grows long branches close to the ground and is full of red fruit. The other kind is a small grass with golden yellow fruit. Both kinds of fruit are edible. Everything tasted very sweet; I remember seeing them during the wheat harvest. There were also "ephedra fruits," the deep red fruit of the medicinal herb ephedra, which tasted very sweet, but you couldn't eat too many, or you'd get a nosebleed. There were so many! When I was a child, I came to the fields for these things, but now I come to the fields to farm, to find food in the yellow soil!

This yellow soil not only nourishes the local people but also many medicinal herbs. It's said that only one plant here, called "ice grass," isn't a medicine; everything else is. "Ice grass" isn't useless; I heard that if livestock eat too much of it and have bloating, eating some "ice grass" will help. I remember when I was little, I often went to the wild to collect herbs to sell, earning pocket money. The best-selling herbs were the bark of "bupleurum" and "goji berry" roots, etc.!

I stayed by the edge of the woods for a while before returning to my mother's side, watching her bury manure.

"You don't know how? Don't you even look how to bury it?" "Look at Ah Jun and Xiao Peng, they're your classmates, the same age as you. Their kids are already doing chores for their families. Everyone says they're sensible. We only have you, and you've always been in poor health. We didn't want you to suffer, we wanted you to study hard, but you wouldn't listen. You thought we were making you suffer. Now you should understand what suffering is! Just watch, I feel like stopping you from doing chores was a mistake!" Mother said while working.

Studying is indeed a tough job, my mother is right. What I need to do now is the real hardship; studying is only a temporary hardship, but what I'm facing now is a lifetime of hardship. I know my parents don't want me to suffer like they have; they feel sorry for me! But there's no other way now. I really don't want to study anymore. I chose this path myself, and I don't regret it, but I don't necessarily have to continue like this, continuing to change this yellow land. Even if I dedicate my whole life to changing it, I won't change anything. The yellow land will always be yellow, and Maliang Mountain will always be high! Generations of ancestors couldn't change it, let alone me! I'm not saying this to overestimate my abilities or to make myself sound amazing, nor am I underestimating myself or thinking I'm worthless. I'm just facing reality, the reality I hate!

In no time, my mother had finished burying it. She carefully covered the manure pile with yellow soil using a shovel.

"Yuze, watch carefully," she said, "after burying it, cover it well with soil so the manure will be better and more beneficial to the crops!"

I ignored her words; she was teaching me how to survive on the yellow earth, like a teacher imparting knowledge to the next generation. I knew my mother was right, but I wasn't interested, even feeling a bit escapist. My mother didn't want me to actually learn these things and continue their generation's "career," but she had no choice. She had to face reality and teach me these farming methods so I wouldn't starve in the future.

I couldn't help but imagine my future life on the yellow earth: wearing a tattered straw hat, driving an ox, carrying a plow, and a homemade cigarette dangling from my lips. Perhaps that would be me, married with my wife, carrying a jar of breakfast, and a bouncy child leading the ox, playing with a blade of grass. I dared not think any further, especially about the child I would raise in the future. I truly didn't know what I would be like then, and I was filled with unease! I was uneasy about my bouncy child being born into the kind of life I envisioned, and I didn't want my child to suffer!

"What are you doing?" my mother asked, looking at me.

"Oh, nothing!" I hurriedly replied, snapping out of my reverie.

"Alright, I told you to watch what you're doing, what are you thinking about?" My mother was a little angry! It was normal for her to be angry, because I hadn't seriously learned these survival skills.

In the local dialect, I was a bit like someone who "eats non-food"; the implication being that I didn't eat grain, and perhaps my appearance was somewhat like that!

After burying the manure, my mother and I carried the empty buckets and walked home. Along the way, I saw many children helping adults with chores, all of them working very hard.

"Look at those other children, how smoothly they're doing it, and look at you, you've grown up and still can't do anything." My mother seemed envious of the other children's efficiency and began to nag me incessantly. ...

Leaving the Loess Land (Part 5)
I understood that my mother wasn't envious of other children, but rather thinking that if I could also be so skilled at farm work, I wouldn't starve to death!

I didn't say another word the whole way. I knew my shortcomings in surviving in the countryside—or rather, it wasn't my shortcomings, but rather an escapist mentality.

I quickened my pace, walking ahead of my mother, walking very fast!

"Walk slower, or your legs will hurt!" my mother kindly reminded me, but I pretended not to hear and continued walking quickly.

"Stop! Let me see your shoulder!" My mother said, noticing the bright red welt on my shoulder against my light-colored clothes.

I stopped. She caught up with me, put down her load, and told me to put mine down too. I obeyed. She carefully opened my collar and saw the raw, bleeding flesh on my shoulder.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, her voice filled with concern.

"It's alright now!" I smiled and said,

"Let's switch shoulders!" She straightened my collar and said softly.

I listened and switched shoulders. My mother didn't say another word the rest of the way, just walked ahead. I didn't say anything either, slowly following her.

Back home, my mother and I put down the buckets and went into the yard. She quickened her pace and went inside. I washed my hands, and when she came out, she was holding some ointment. She placed it on a stool and washed her hands as well.

"Come here, let me apply the ointment!" she said with a smile after washing her hands.

I could tell my mother's smile wasn't a happy one, but a helpless one; she didn't want her son to suffer like this, but she had no choice, because her son, I, had to endure this pain!

I went over and knelt down in front of my mother. She carefully turned up my collar; perhaps because the blood had stuck to the clothes, the moment she turned up my collar, a sharp pain shot through my entire body! My mother sighed deeply. I had my back to her, and I didn't know what her expression was like then; it certainly wasn't pleasant!

My mother gently touched the wound on my shoulder, carefully applied ointment, and then sighed again, saying, "Is your shoulder made of tofu?! It's so badly injured. If you carry this much, the flesh on your shoulder will probably fall off!"

My mother was joking, but she wasn't at ease inside because of the injury on my shoulder.

"What can you do?" my mother said, turning up my collar and sitting on the stool, looking at me.

I knew my mother wasn't complaining that I couldn't do farm work, but that I couldn't do it; more than anything, she was worried about my future.

"It's just rotten, it'll be fine!" I don't know why I stupidly said that; maybe it was just to comfort my mother!

"Hmm, what else? Look at the way you walk carrying that load, or go find some 'non-food' to eat! By the time you're trying to support yourself, you'll probably be starving to death, let alone support your family!" my mother said. My

mother was right. If I were to support my family by farming, I really couldn't even support myself, let alone my family!

"Anyway, I won't starve!" I retorted, but my retort lacked conviction. Today proved that Ma Liang Mountain was indeed not my focus.

"Why? Then tell me why your family won't starve!" my mother said with a smile.

"Anyway, we won't starve!" I continued repeating my previous words because I had nothing more to say, but what I said was the truth. These days, anything is possible; I think the saying "things will work themselves out" is very true; more importantly, I'm not useless, because I believe "everyone has their own talents!"

Everyone in this society has the right to choose their own way of life and has value, because God is fair, that's what I thought at the time!

My mother didn't ask any more questions, she just smiled. She rested for a while and then planned to go carry it again; I was supposed to carry it again today, but my mother didn't ask me to go, saying that my shoulder was sore and that I should stay at home; I knew my mother was worried about me, children are the apple of their parents' eye! My mother felt sorry for me when she saw my sore shoulder, she didn't want me to suffer any more pain, so she went alone and didn't ask me to go with her!

"Then you can carry it tomorrow!" I advised my mother to carry it the next day.

"Tomorrow has its own things to do; to compete with the heavens for food, you have to work like this, making the most of every second!" My mother just said this when she turned around and left.

At the time, I thought my mother was exaggerating, could it be that mysterious, she said it like a war movie! Bookbag Network eBook Sharing Website

Walking Out of the Yellow Earth (VI)
Later events proved that my mother was not exaggerating, farmers really are competing with the heavens for food!

I listened to my mother and didn't go back; instead, I stayed home to rest! I was even a little happy at the time because I had been wanting to be lazy, but now it wasn't laziness, it was rest—my mother had specifically told me to rest!

I lay on the kang (a heated brick bed), slowly becoming sleepy. I had gotten up very early that morning, quite early compared to other days, but for hardworking farmers and my parents, it was too late! In my parents' words, if I slept like that, we probably wouldn't need to harvest this year's crops; we could just plant next year's!

I fell asleep on the kang, vaguely feeling a pain in my shoulder, but I still slept soundly. I don't know when, but someone touched my shoulder. Because of the pain, I naturally turned over and lay prone. I heard my mother sigh and felt a warm hand stroking my shoulder.

I opened my eyes and saw my mother. She smiled when she saw I was awake.

"Take off this shirt and change into something else; there's blood on it!" My mother said, looking at me.

"Okay!" I mumbled a sleepy reply and took off my shirt.

My mother is a very clean person. Even though my clothes were worn out when I was little, they were always washed clean. I remember the elders in the village saying, "This child is always dressed very cleanly." In my mother's words, "Worn clothes are because we're poor, and dirty clothes for children mean the adults are too lazy!" My mother's love of cleanliness stemmed from my grandmother's teachings, and she passed that on to me, because I love cleanliness now too!

My mother picked up the clothes I had taken off and put them in a basin to soak. In my memory, my mother hadn't washed my clothes in a long time. Since I grew up, my mother has told me to wash my own clothes. She only urges me to wear clean clothes, saying that clean clothes make me look more energetic!

"Mom, I'll wash them myself! You rest for a bit!" I said, glancing at my watch. It was almost noon, and I knew my mother would have to cook dinner soon.

"Can you wash it clean?" My mother asked without turning around.

"How could I not wash it clean!" I told her,

"Forget it, I'll just wash it as I can!" My mother said

she knew I was washing my clothes because my shoulder was injured; otherwise, she wouldn't have done it. She always taught me to be independent, saying that I was a grown man now and should do things for myself, not rely on my parents for everything like when I was a child.

My mother still washed the clothes for me, and I lay on the kang (heated brick bed) thinking about all sorts of things—my future, my future life, even what I would look like in the future. After

washing the clothes, my mother rested for a while and then went to cook, while I lay on the kang waiting to eat. After a while, I couldn't stay lying there any longer, so I got off the kang and turned on the TV.

My mother finished cooking quickly, and after lunch, I felt relieved because I didn't have any chores to do in the afternoon. I was even a little happy!

My father came home in the evening, and I could tell he was very tired. He sat in a chair, smoking his pungent tobacco while watching TV; my mother sat on the kang.

"Yuze's shoulders are already raw from carrying loads on Longwang Slope today, he still can't handle it!" My mother said to my father with a smile, seemingly also referring to me.

"Looks like the young man isn't cut out for it, haha!" My father said, looking at me with a smile after hearing my mother's words.

My father's smile was one of worry mixed with a hint of disappointment, but mostly a smile of heartache; he wanted to ease my physical pain with a lighthearted smile; he was disappointed that my body couldn't withstand the hardship of farm work, and heartbroken that my shoulders were injured!

I'm not afraid of hardship, not at all! I'm afraid of this kind of life, afraid that I'll become complacent with the rural lifestyle, that "working at sunrise and resting at sunset" life, and even more afraid that my future children will follow the same path as me! Maybe I'm thinking too far ahead, but that's really what I was thinking at the time.

I just smiled at my father's words, without refuting anything. The fact was, my shoulders couldn't bear the weight of the loads and were raw! I didn't intend to argue with my father either, because I really couldn't do farm work. I just stood there and continued to smile foolishly, I was even a little happy, because it proved that I really wasn't suited for farm work!

"Sigh…!" My father sighed and didn't say anything more.

I could see the worry in my father's sigh, and I knew he was worried about my future. I could also guess what he was thinking. He was considering whether I should follow in his footsteps or become a migrant worker. Neither of these lifestyles would suit me, and he knew I wouldn't be able to endure the hardship. But rural children who can't go to school only have two choices: farming or working. These are the only two ways to survive, and there are no other options. Even if I work, it's not a long-term solution, because when I get older, I'll have to go back to farming in the countryside, continue living on the Loess Plateau, and continue to rely on the weather and the grain provided by the Ma Liang Mountains.

Working outside is only suitable for factory work. He knows I wouldn't be able to do construction work either, just like farming.

Leaving the Loess Plateau (Part 7)
"Sigh... I should go to Shenzhen to work with others, or go to work on a construction team with your uncle. That way, your uncle can take care of you and it will be easier!" I hadn't guessed my father's thoughts correctly. He sighed and said it.

“He can’t handle the hard work on the construction team, and I don’t trust him to do it!” Mother said earnestly to Father.

“Then we’ll just have to go further afield, have someone take us to Shenzhen!” Father’s final “choice” for me was to go south to Shenzhen.

Shenzhen—many young men and women from our village go there to make a living, and it seems I’ll soon be one of them.

I’m a farmer’s son, I didn’t go to school, I have no other choice, because I need to live, I need to survive in this society; moreover, because I’m not someone who eats “non-food,” and there’s no such thing as “non-food” in this world, and if there were, it wouldn’t be my turn to eat it, I accept this fact; I also await this fate, or rather, I anticipate it, because life in Ma Liang Mountain is not suitable for me; to be precise, it’s not suitable for me now, because I can’t stand it!

Father didn’t speak again, his mood was not good, because it was all on his face! You could see he was worried, but he couldn’t do anything, if he could, he wouldn’t want me to live like this. The only thing he can do now is to give me a life I can bear, at least a lifestyle I can bear now!

The only sound in the room was the television. My father sighed intermittently, and my mother sighed too.

"We worried about him when he was little, and we still worry about him now that he's grown up, and even more so!" My mother's voice broke the brief silence.

My father just glanced at my mother without saying anything; I looked at my mother too, saying nothing.

"You know, now we have to worry about making a living, and in a few years we'll have to worry about his marriage, how will he easily find a suitable girl, sigh…!" My mother continued, then sighed again.

I knew my mother was already thinking about the problems I would face in the future; although I was still young and not in a hurry to get married, that was just my opinion. In the countryside, people usually get married early, and at my age, it wouldn't be long before they started arranging things!

My situation suddenly became a major issue for the family. Everything was being "customized" for me by my parents, as if I could only accept it and couldn't disobey it. I couldn't disobey it either; that's how tradition is, and I have no right to disobey! More than anything, I'm powerless to disobey! Either accept it, or I was never born on the Loess Plateau, never born at the foot of Ma Liang Mountain; but the fact is, I was born here, and this is my destiny!

The scar on my shoulder still remains, and it hurts when I touch it! My mother still checks on my shoulder every day and applies medicine before she feels at ease. My daily life consists of sweeping the yard and watching TV at home.

When I was in school, during holidays, I always felt there were too many temptations and attachments at home that made me want to stay home and not go to school! Although I had this thought back then, I never skipped class, even by today's standards. But now, staying at home every day feels very boring, and I no longer feel that attachment or temptation as before! Maybe it's just a habit that an idle person develops towards a repetitive life—it's just a habit!

Doing nothing is simply a waste of youth. I remember a teacher once said, "Wasting time is slow suicide!" I really feel that now; I've become a bit impatient myself!

This afternoon, I went to visit a classmate. When I arrived at his house, I felt like I had found a "like-minded" person, which made me feel a little better.

Rural areas are not like cities; in the countryside, a family lives in a large courtyard, and if you knock on the door, the owner can't hear you, so people usually just push the door open and come in.

My classmate's parents are about the same age as mine, but much higher in the family hierarchy. I have to call them "Grandpa" and "Grandma," which means "Grandpa" and "Grandma," because his father is the eldest son, so I have to add "Grandpa" before his name. That's how we address elders in our village.

"Grandma! Is Feng Jian home?" I pushed open the door and saw Grandma in the yard, winnowing grain with a winnowing basket.

"Oh! Yuze, Feng Jian went to the provincial capital to work with his uncle yesterday afternoon!" Grandma turned around and smiled at me.

"Ah! So fast!" I said, a little surprised.

I was surprised because I had told Feng Jian about my thoughts a few days ago, and he had told me his too; coincidentally, we were both talking about working in the future; he told me then that he might leave in a few days, leaving this land of Ma Liang Mountain; I felt a little envious of him because he was leaving faster than me!

I said "leave" because I really wanted to escape this land! Escape this yellow earth that gave me birth and nurtured me, this land of Ma Liang Mountain that gave me food!

"Come in and sit for a while! There are benches here!" The old woman's polite words woke me up.

"Oh! No need, Grandma, I was just looking for him to stroll around! I'll go back now!" I replied with a smile;

to be honest, I felt very lost at that moment, as if I were the only one left in the whole village, like a lonely little bird that couldn't find a corner to perch on!

Leaving the Yellow Earth (VIII)
"Come in and sit for a while!" the old woman said politely as always.

"Really not! Grandma, you're busy! I'm going back." I closed the door behind me and prepared to leave.

"Take care!" The old woman put down her winnowing basket and prepared to see me off.

"Grandma, you're busy!" I quickly closed the door and left before the old woman came over.

On the way home, I felt very down. Many villagers passed by me along the way, and I greeted each of the elders who passed by; to be honest, I didn't know how to address any of the elders, because there were too many!

Back home, I turned on the black-and-white television, staring at the indistinguishable colors on the screen, my mind wandering, just killing time. Gradually, the image blurred, and a vision of my future on the Loess Plateau appeared before my eyes. I was terrified!

I wasn't afraid of the Loess Plateau, or the Maliang Mountains, but of myself, my ideals, my dreams! A lifelong dream, because a teacher once said, "In books, there are houses of gold; in books, there are beauties like jade!" I no longer had the opportunity to find these things in books, so I wanted to find them through other means! But more than anything, it was because I refused to give up, refused to accept that only books could achieve my goals! I wanted to obtain them through my own methods, no matter how difficult it was!

Lying on the kang (heated brick bed), I gradually fell asleep, sleeping soundly and comfortably, because in my dream, I achieved what I wanted to achieve!

"Yuze, you're asleep, why is the TV still on?" My mother returned sometime earlier, seeing the TV still on while I slept.

I lifted my drowsy head and looked at my mother through blurry eyes; she was covered in sweat, having just come from the fields.

"Oh! I fell asleep while looking at her!" I said, getting up from the kang (heated brick bed).

"Go fetch two buckets of water!" my mother said, sitting on the edge of the kang.

"Okay!" I put on the cloth shoes my mother had made and went out of the room.

Our family's water source was a well, dug very deep, requiring a long rope to draw water. I remember this well; I can't recall the exact year, but it was dug sometime in the 1990s. That year, the fields were barren, the crops were dry, and there was no harvest. Everywhere was desolate, and water was scarce for every household. That year, wells were being dug everywhere in the village; the government also distributed relief grain, but each family only had a bag of flour at most, some families had only a dozen or so kilograms, practically nothing at all. But that year, no one went hungry or starved to death, because everyone relied on themselves! In these times, only by relying on oneself can one survive; learning to depend on others will inevitably lead to starvation! Later, I heard that the country had made great efforts to provide relief to the drought-stricken northwest, but the local departments had "saved" the money! Of course, this was just a rumor, but some people did become rich that year! This is the reality here; everyone often says, "Poor villages breed unruly people!" This is just an outdated phrase from ancient bureaucrats; now it should be said, "Poor villages breed corrupt officials!" The country's good policies, meant to benefit the people, became "justifications" for these people to oppress the masses! Back then, the People's Liberation Army even brought large trucks to deliver water to the school, and that's when I started to like being a soldier! Later, I secretly signed up for the army, but the conscription officers persuaded me to return to school!

Although this is a bit of a tangent, these realities made me hate the yellow earth that nurtured me! This is why I initially decided to leave!

I fetched water and told my mother it was ready as soon as I got to the kitchen.

"I'm exhausted!" my mother said, getting up to wash her hands and then going to cook.

I sat listlessly on the kang (a heated brick bed) again, lost in thought. I got up, turned on the TV, and kept changing channels. I'd "tamed" the TV so well that it was very "obedient" to me; no one else in the house could find a channel because I'd broken the FM switch. Only I could find the right one.

After dinner, my mother washed the dishes and lay down on the kang. I sat on a stool, still staring at the TV screen, without a single other thought—or rather, I was completely silent!

"You just stay home all day now!" my mother said.

"What's wrong?" I turned to look at my mother and asked.

"Have you thought about what you want to do?" my mother asked, looking at me.

"Work! What else can I do!" I answered honestly. I couldn't find any other answer because I didn't know what I could do!

"Ha! That's easy to say! At this rate, you might not even be able to support yourself!" my mother said with a laugh. "Anyway, I won't starve!" I said without turning my head

. "Nobody starves these days! The key is to survive and thrive. Only when you're well-off can you be considered someone important, and only then will others look at you differently!" my mother said. I knew what my mother said was very realistic; it was true, not just in the countryside, but everywhere in the world. It's just that it's more realistic in the city than in the countryside. In the countryside, even if you're poor, no one will look down on you. But in the city, if you're poor, nobody will even look at you. That's reality! I didn't say anything more after hearing my mother's words; I just watched TV, thinking about what she said. My mother was telling the truth, and I had no reason to refute her!

My younger sister came back from playing outside. As soon as she got home, she sat on the kang (heated brick bed). My father also came home; he looked exhausted after a long day at someone else's house. For him, nightfall was a relief because

he didn't have to work anymore! My father is kind, but I didn't feel any kindness in front of me because I always got a beating from him when I misbehaved as a child! Actually, I used to hate my father because of the beatings; but later I didn't think that way anymore, because he was teaching me. As the saying goes, "No pain, no progress; pain, progress!" Actually, my father didn't want to hit me like that, but he had no choice because I was too naughty! Later, my father said he was afraid that if he didn't discipline me severely, I would go astray and never turn back! I am very grateful to my father because he prevented me from going down the path he feared! He has made me who I am today! But I…!

That's a story for later! But now, all I can say is that I should take this opportunity to thank my family properly, so I won't regret it later! There is only the word "regret" in this world, not the concept of "regret" itself!

Today, my father didn't say anything, just quietly watched TV. The whole family fell silent, with only my sister occasionally speaking to him. In my memory, my father had rarely been rough with my sister; it was my mother who often disciplined her. Even when my father was rough with my sister, it was because I had caused her trouble!

I lived like this until October. My parents, who had been planning my future, hadn't yet come up with anything concrete. I know they love me and don't want me to leave home, because I've been with them for over ten years. They truly can't bear to let me go. I think if it weren't for the pressures of life, they wouldn't have let me go far away, much less let me end up in this city so far from home!

The weather in October gradually cooled down; sometimes I even needed to wear a jacket in the morning, otherwise I'd feel cold.

I woke up early this morning, and my mother seemed a little surprised, always saying, "Did the sun rise in the west today?" I just smiled and didn't say anything. Actually, there was a reason I woke up early: my classmate Feng Jian came back a few days ago. After he arrived, he came to visit me and told me he wanted to join the army. Since I had the same idea, we hit it off immediately. He also told me that registration might start in the next few days! Today is the end of the month, so I got up early!

After washing my face and getting ready, I grabbed a small stool and sat outside to sunbathe! I often see the old people in the village squatting at the village entrance sunbathing, but I never knew what they were sunbathing for. Today I realized that idly sunbathing is actually quite enjoyable!

Speaking of that sunbathing spot in our village, it's a famous news spot. Some old people often gather there to sunbathe and discuss their news; I used to often go and listen! This place is where you can hear everything from national affairs to village gossip; it's the liveliest spot in the village!

Today, I was just sunbathing in my yard, not talking about the news.

I basked in the sun until noon but still didn't hear any news about conscription, because the village broadcast hadn't been on at all! My mother prepared lunch, our local specialty—fermented noodle soup! My favorite, supposedly good for your health, and the best way to cool down in the summer!

After lunch, I turned on the TV again and continued my boring struggle! A sudden thought popped into my head: childhood was the easiest time. Although I'd get a scolding from the adults every now and then, it was just a few tears, easily wiped away with my sleeve. Now that I'm grown up, although there's no physical pain, the inner turmoil is far more damaging than those physical punishments!

In infancy, we know nothing; crying and fussing are just hobbies. But as adults, we live for life, for our families! Thinking about it, childhood is when we truly live for ourselves!

This boredom made me a little nervous. I really didn't know what I was nervous about—maybe tomorrow, maybe life itself, but ultimately, I was nervous about those 12 hours of life every day until sunrise!

In the afternoon, when the sun wasn't so strong, the village loudspeaker finally crackled to life! I got up, turned off the TV, and rushed outside, listening intently to every single word.

What excited me most was that the broadcast was about conscription. Hearing this news filled me with the joy of seeing the light of tomorrow; I was overjoyed!

That feeling still lingers in my heart, making me so excited! I was excited because I finally had a reason to "escape" this place and see the outside world!

As soon as the broadcast ended, I ran out of the house. My mother was sitting on a small stool outside, drinking water. Seeing me run out, she asked, "Where are you going?"

"I have something to do, I'm going out for a bit!" I said without turning back, leaving the house unattended.

When I arrived at the village secretary's house, he told me that the township conscription officers had gone to another village. I knew it wasn't far, since our two villages were adjacent.

I ran out of the village secretary's house and went to another village secretary's house. The conscription officer saw me and asked, "Young man, what are you doing?"

"I want to join the army!" I said firmly.

"Oh! Do your family members agree?" the conscription officer asked.

"Of course they do!" I lied.

"Oh! Okay then, come over and give me your name!" He took out a notebook and said.

I went over and saw that some names were already in the notebook, and I also saw that my classmates had signed up. I said my name and my parents' names in one breath. After I finished answering the conscription officer's questions, the conscription officer told me that after he finished eating, he would let me go with him to the township to fill out the forms, and that I should go play first and come back later.

I was really happy to hear this, because it seemed that I had not been rejected. I slipped out of the village secretary's house and ran back to my village to wander around, my smile as wide as a flood breaking through a dam. Time is hard to pass, but sometimes it is also the fastest! I arrived at the place the officer had designated at the time he said. There were several people with me, and we all knew each other. Now they are both my friends and perhaps my competitors! They know this perfectly well. This may be the first time I've had any thoughts of scheming for my own benefit; yet we still greeted each other. This incident also completely unveiled the veil of scheming in my life; we each had our own calculations, discussing issues consistent with our purpose, all plotting how to extract useful information from the officials; they had families behind them, while my family was completely unaware. Looking back at myself, I realized I was still alone. Upon arriving at the township, we each received a form, filled it out according to the instructions, and handed it to the officials; those who didn't know how to fill it out were taught by the officials. Finally, we all filled out the forms correctly; the officials told us to go home and wait for news, to go to the county for a physical examination in the next few days, and those who passed the physical examination would undergo a political review, only those who passed the review could be recruited. I walked out of the township government with trepidation, and I wasn't the only one; they were too, because none of us knew what the officials meant by the political review! Finally, questions arose about whether we would be drafted, and so on. The road home was quite long, but we were happy. We walked home chatting and laughing, because we were now leaving it to fate and had no worries. On the day we received the notice to go to the county for our physical examination, we stood at the entrance of the county hospital. There were many people there for their physical examinations that day, and apart from a few of us, everyone else was a stranger! When the examinations began, some soldiers in uniform led us through the hospital corridors, knocking on doors to lead us in and out, for the entire day.

That day, I stripped naked in front of everyone for the first time, and had my body examined by doctors in white coats; for the first time, a doctor in leather gloves held my genitals and examined them repeatedly!

Everyone in the examination room laughed awkwardly; I believe most of them were being examined like this for the first time!

Finally, the examination was over, and my form showed all the results were satisfactory. I walked out of the hospital happily, pushing my family's bicycle (which could be taken to a museum) down the street; a few other friends followed behind. Seeing them was good news too, because everyone was smiling broadly.

The next day was for blood tests, and we were told not to eat breakfast before coming to the city; we all remembered this!

When I got home, the sun had already set. My mother was drying some firewood outside. Seeing me return, she smiled and asked, "How did it go?"

"All passed!" I knew my mother was teasing me, because I had only told my family last night that I wanted to join the army. They disagreed, saying my body couldn't handle it, but I threatened them with extremely threatening language, and they still let me go, only saying they wouldn't support me.

When my mother heard my answer, she smiled again. It was a happy smile, perhaps because she saw that I had grown up. Indeed, when I threatened my family like that last night, I really felt like I had grown up, because I had said I would take full responsibility.

I went to my mother's side and begged her to talk to my father and get him to agree to let me join the army. My mother just smiled and told me to talk to him myself.

I pushed the car into the yard, sat in the room drinking water, thinking about how to talk to my father that night.

When evening came, I nervously watched the TV screen, waiting for my father to come home. After a long wait, I finally heard his voice. As usual, he came home, sat on the bench, sighed deeply, and looked at me. I looked at my father.

"You passed all your medical exams today? You're all grown up now, you look like an adult. How can you talk so inconsiderately of your family's feelings? How do you think your mother feels when you talk to her like that? She raised you all these years, how could you say such things!" My father was referring to the words I had used to threaten my family last night.

I listened silently, because I myself felt I had gone too far.

Our ancestors created language, but they also turned speaking into a difficult art to master, requiring careful consideration in every aspect. I made the mistake of not considering this, my words went too far, and thus became hurtful.

Everything goes astray when taken to extremes, just like the expiration date of food; words, like food, have their limits! I truly hurt my mother's heart and caused her distress. Although she will forgive my ignorance, I cannot forgive myself, not even now!

Words that hurt loved ones are met with forgiveness and meticulous care in return; but what if I hurt someone else? Would they reciprocate with kindness?

My mother is even more worried about me, because I am their precious child, raised from infancy with loving care and concern. So, my mother's worries are unfounded, and so is my father's.

“I don’t want you to go because I’m worried you can’t handle the hardship; but I also don’t want you to go because I’m afraid you’ll go astray; as long as you can persevere, go ahead, do your best, and see what you can achieve!” My father spoke from the heart. He was a man who wouldn’t reveal his true feelings, especially in front of his children, because in their eyes he was always strong, always great, always the strength behind them.

Leaving the Loess Plateau (XI)
I understood what my father was talking about. He was afraid that I would do something illegal like the other children in the village who were my age and end up in jail.

I nodded, a look of joy on my face, and quickly slipped to my mother to appease her; because I knew she wasn’t angry, just worried!

I also knew that after more than ten years of not leaving their side, I might now be going far away, unable to stay by their side and make them angry, unable to listen to their nagging anymore!

“Go away!” My mother said and then smiled! She looked at me, and in her eyes I saw nothing but reluctance;

children are like little birds, when their wings are strong enough, they must leave the nest, leave their parents, and venture out into the world! My parents are going to be lonely again, and with that loneliness comes their advancing age!

Only my younger sister is there, laughing and joking around. My mother sometimes talks to her, sometimes looks at me; her eyes are still full of reluctance when she looks at me. I don't understand why my mother is like this; maybe I'll understand when I have children of my own.

The next morning, my father woke me up early. After washing up, I rode my bicycle out the door. Before I left, my mother told me to be careful and stay safe!

This was the first time my mother had said this to me; I just nodded and left.

Arriving at the designated hospital in the county town, I saw many people already there. At the appointed time, we lined up and entered the hospital. The People's Liberation Army soldier leading us still held our medical examination forms, leading us to the blood collection window. We went to have our blood drawn in turn, listening to our names being called.

My test results came back: qualified! I was very happy because I felt like I had already touched the gates of the military!

Next came the home visit and political background check! By the time all these procedures were completed, it was late November.

I had been drafted and became a conscript, a piece of news that had spread like wildfire throughout the village, instantly making me the talk of the town! My classmate was also drafted at the same time.

There were three people from our village drafted this year: one went north, while my classmate and I went to a city in the south.

My classmate and I went to the county town together to collect our uniforms. We went empty-handed, but returned with a large bag containing blankets and uniforms. Back home, I couldn't wait to put on my green uniform; I felt wonderful.

The questions that had troubled me for days were resolved with my enlistment. My parents no longer had to worry about which city I would work in or what my future would be like; their faces were filled with smiles and a deep sense of reluctance.

On the morning of my departure, I went to my maternal grandparents' house. I had grown up there, and they loved me dearly; it was my way of saying goodbye.

When my grandfather saw me in my military uniform, he knew I was going to join the army and just kept saying "Good, good!" without saying anything else.

When I got home, many villagers had come to see me off. My mother was busy cooking for them, and my father brought out wine to drink with the villagers. When they saw me, they invited me to have a drink, and my father invited me too!

This was the first time my father had allowed me to drink. I drank with my uncles and brothers for a while before going back to my room to pack my luggage.

My aunts and relatives also came! Several aunts were waiting for me in my room. After I went in, they talked to me, but I didn't really listen because I was only thinking about being happy, and only about being happy!

When it was almost time to leave, everyone in the village had left. I could hear the village was very lively. I walked ahead, carrying my bag and blanket in both hands. My third aunt's older brother came over to help me carry my bag. He had also served in the army and had now returned home.

When I reached the village entrance, there were many villagers there. It was an honor for the village; the villagers were there to see me off, and of course, the village officials were also present!

I greeted everyone in turn, gave a cigarette to everyone who was smoking, and everyone said goodbye, telling me to do well in the army.

Then I got on the bus and arrived in the county town. My parents were on the bus, along with my classmate and his parents. My aunt also came to see me off, and when we arrived in the county town, she bought me a lot of food and told me to eat it on the bus! My mother, however, had a very serious expression. She was heartbroken; her precious child was about to leave her, and she must have been very upset.

My mother pulled me along, saying she was going to the mall to buy me some clothes to take with me. I told her I already had some, that the army had issued me clothes, but she insisted on going, so I went to the mall with her.

She bought me a set of thermal underwear, saying the weather was getting colder and it would keep me warm! I wore that set for a long time, unable to bear throwing it away, because it was the one my mother bought for me before I left. It wasn't a designer brand or some high-tech thermal underwear, but in my heart, it was always a designer brand, just a set of thermal underwear, because it was "Mother's" brand, it represented my mother's heart. Wearing it always made me feel warm, warm in my heart!

We took the night train; my father told my mother to go home first, but she refused, saying she wanted to see me off!

When the train arrived, I looked at my parents; they were standing on the platform like other parents, in the line of people seeing me off! Through the train window, I saw my mother wiping away tears from time to time, and my father waving continuously in my direction!

I felt bad too, because I was leaving my parents, leaving this warm home, and I could no longer make them angry!

The train slowly started moving. The officer in charge of receiving the recruits told us to sit down, saying it would be a long journey to our destination. I looked out the window at my parents receding into the distance, at the platform receding into the distance. I wanted to cry, but I didn't! I don't know why I couldn't cry that day. I just waved to my parents until I could no longer see them before sitting down!

Looking at my homeland receding into the distance outside the train window, I didn't know how far or how long I would go! But the only thing I knew was that I would work hard, work hard to make a name for myself in this foreign land! My homeland

was quiet under the night sky, quietly receding outside the train window. The carriage was quiet, everyone was looking at their hometown outside the window, looking at the familiar yellow earth under the night sky!

After a while, the quiet suddenly disappeared, and it became lively. I joined in the liveliness.

Service (12)
This was my first time riding a train, and also my first time leaving home. I believe that most of my comrades were also experiencing the same thing. They all looked very excited because of the train ride!

I turned around and looked at a comrade opposite me. He was now my comrade. In this foreign land, we would be comrades and fellow villagers!

He smiled at me, and I smiled back. "Where are you from?" the fellow villager across from me asked.

"I'm from Ma Liang Mountain! And you?" I asked him.

"I'm from the east of the city!" he replied with a smile.

During our conversation, I learned his name was A-Qiang. We chatted happily, and gradually became more familiar with each other. He took out some food he had brought and put it on the table for me to eat; I also took out some of my own, and we shared it.

We talked like this until late at night, or rather, until dawn. Gradually, we both fell asleep on the table, occasionally hearing some noises, but I didn't pay attention to them because I was indifferent to them.

In the morning, the train's announcement came on, and everyone woke up. The quiet carriage became lively again; some were playing cards, some were chatting, and some were looking at the scenery outside the window. A-Qiang and I continued chatting.

Music played on the train's announcement. For me, a country boy newly arrived, everything was unfamiliar—unfamiliar faces and unfamiliar surroundings!

I searched for solace in this unfamiliarity throughout the journey, because I was already so far from home! Not seeing my homeland, not seeing my family, it felt like starting all over again; indeed, it was just the beginning!

After a train ride of dozens of hours, I finally arrived at the legendary city; only after getting off the train did I realize that winter here brings rain, no snow like back home, no yellow earth, no family!

I don't know when I started to become so timid! Like a newlywed bride, I was extra cautious in everything I did.

Hearing the cadres' commands, we lined up and boarded the bus that came to pick us up. Through the bus window, I saw that the station square had returned to its initial tranquility.

After a long siren, the convoy carrying us slowly started moving; the night view of this unfamiliar city flashed past the window like a film reel; the fellow villagers in the bus whispered among themselves about the city's prosperity; yes, it was much more prosperous than our small county town, but we didn't know that along with this prosperity came so much worldly trouble!

The convoy left the city, and gradually darkness fell outside the windows. The roads became uneven, and the vehicles began to shake.

Finally, the convoy stopped in an unfamiliar courtyard. The officers told us to get out, and we all did. Standing on foreign soil, I felt incredibly nervous!

A row of veterans in uniform led us into a spacious building, which we later realized was our barracks; I later learned it was a gymnasium, temporarily used as barracks for new recruits.

The veteran became my platoon leader in basic training. He assigned us bunks and told us to put our belongings on them so we could eat.

Actually, we were all full, as we had finished the food we brought on the bus, but no one dared say they weren't hungry.

Outside the barracks, we had to line up again. The platoon leader led us to the mess hall, where he gave us bowls and spoons. Upon closer inspection, each bowl had a number on it—the only way we could identify our own bowl!

Today we ate noodles, a large bucket overflowing with them; I remember clearly it was tomato and egg noodles. Looking down at the bowl and spoon in my hand, I realized the bowl wasn't very clean; there was something like a hair in it. I wanted to wash it, but I didn't dare! Because this place was unfamiliar, with unfamiliar people and unfamiliar surroundings; I scooped rice into the bowl with my eyes closed, and then ate half a bowl of noodles with my eyes closed too!

The bowl was actually a small basin, the kind of yellow enamel-coated iron basin; I only dared to wash it after I finished eating! I carefully washed it again and again until I felt it was clean before putting it on the shelf, glancing back at the number on it to write it down;

when we got back to the barracks, it was almost dawn, and the squad leader told us to go to sleep quickly; we all eagerly climbed into bed!

I slept on the top bunk. I'd never slept in a bunk bed before, and I was very nervous because these metal beds always wobbled. I was constantly worried I'd fall off, so I gripped the edge tightly before slowly lying down. Looking back, it's quite funny; I felt like a country bumpkin in a movie, experiencing the same anxiety as someone visiting the city for the first time!

Life in recruit camp was unfamiliar; everything there was unfamiliar. Sometimes this unfamiliarity brought fear! But time heals all wounds; and it proved true.

In recruit camp, I gradually got to know more people. My mindset was like a frog in a well—overconfident, but the reality was quite different!

Life in recruit camp was mundane, almost every day was the same repetitive routine. When the first weekend arrived, I couldn't wait to call home for the first time. I bought a phone card and cautiously dialed the number. At that time, my family didn't have a phone; I used the village's public phone.

After my parents answered, I talked to them about life here. Back then, I was quite clever; I only told them how happy I was. But actually, I wasn't happy. It was unfamiliar place, unfamiliar land, unfamiliar people—it was impossible to be happy.

At home, I was lively and energetic, but here I was well-behaved, like a mudfish in the mud. I was living like a lump of mud; once I left the mud's protection, I couldn't jump anymore. That's how I was; leaving my hometown made me well-behaved.

After hanging up, I felt much calmer! Back on my bed, I sat on a stool, drinking water, passing the time with boredom.

Life in recruit camp was mundane yet extraordinary, because in this mundane life, I became a soldier.

After more than two months of training, I finally put on my real military uniform, with rank insignia on the clothes and military insignia on the hat!

With the Spring Festival approaching, I couldn't help but feel restless, missing my family and hometown.

I remember that on the day of the Spring Festival, instead of training, we all made dumplings together; I had become accustomed to life here, to this land, and to my comrades, my fellow soldiers. (The following section is unrelated and appears to be a separate text fragment

):
We were all chatting and laughing, making all sorts of dumplings! The squad leader in

the recruit camp was very kind to us; today we made dumplings together; the New Year's Eve dinner prepared was very sumptuous and would be very lively!

Before dinner, the leader gave a speech in front of the ranks; I believe none of us really listened, because everyone was homesick; the leader's intention wasn't to make us listen, but to distract us from our homesickness.

Outside the canteen, everyone was singing loudly that day, expressing their longing for their hometown and loved ones through song! As if wanting their loved ones far away to hear their voices, they sang with all their might—or rather, they shouted!

Several female soldiers led the way in crying, followed by many male soldiers, and it was unclear when they would stop.

Entering the mess hall, I saw beer and rice wine on the tables, and looking at the abundant food, I felt a surge of emotion; this Spring Festival since leaving home seemed to be going quite well.

After eating, there was no need to line up anymore; we could return to our barracks on our own. It was quite late when I left the mess hall, and I walked along thinking about home. Halfway there, two female soldiers were supporting another female soldier; the one being supported seemed drunk, crying and making a scene. I didn't recognize them, because we weren't from the same company, and besides, they were women, so I quickly walked a few steps and couldn't hear them anymore.

Back in my room, my classmate came to find me, along with another classmate. Later, another classmate I'd met during the enlistment process arrived; we were all from the same village. There were seven of us in total. We sat together, and I smoked for the first time. The squad leader saw me and said, "You smoke too?" I just smiled and said I was learning.

We had three days off, which were the most comfortable three days I'd had since arriving.

Not long after the Spring Festival, the unforgettable recruit camp life ended. We were all about to be assigned to our units, facing another separation. Niu Minghui and I stayed at the recruit camp; the others were all assigned elsewhere. Niu Minghui was assigned to Company B, and I was in Company A; our two companies were next to each other.

Niu Minghui wasn't tall, but he was mischievous and very loyal! We often chatted together.

After being assigned to our units, I realized that real life was just beginning, and I slowly changed, becoming more "confused"! In the eyes of the veterans, I was a dazed fool; in the eyes of the recruits, I became an idiot; and in my own heart, I became a coward!

Every day, I would get up early and run, followed by training. The only difference from basic training was that we were now training in professional skills, not just the monotonous drills.

Several of the veterans in my platoon were from Northeast China, and they were all tall. There was only one who wasn't very tall, and his behavior was somewhat effeminate. He was quite strange; whenever someone bought new clothes, he would definitely try them on, and he could stand in front of the mirror for over two hours at a time, admiring himself from every angle. I doubt even a woman would be as affected as him.

To be honest, he bullied me quite a bit in the platoon. It seemed like the other recruits were smarter than me, so he didn't dare bully them easily. But I was different; I was the "clumsy one" in the company, on equal footing with another recruit I felt had mental issues, so he dared to bully me.

This veteran's surname was Guo Mingkai, and he seemed very clean, even a bit obsessive-compulsive! He spent all his time grooming himself; he even wrote the characters "Guo," "San," and "Ba" on the corner of his little stool, which I sometimes read as "Guo Sanba" or "Sanba Guo." He claimed he was born in 1983 and his surname was Guo, hence the writing; but I didn't believe it.

I only called him that without knowing the truth, or secretly.

He left a very bad impression on me during my recruit training. He could come up with all sorts of twisted methods to torment me, like the flying kick exercise from one to ten, which he invented. Sometimes I really wanted to cripple that kid!

To be honest, I was somewhat grateful to him, because under his feet I gradually developed resilience; ordinary punches and kicks didn't hurt me much. At the same time, my hatred for him was about to explode.

The other veterans in the platoon were also indifferent to me. I was one of the most beaten up in the entire platoon. I got beaten up because I was confused; another one who got beaten up with me was too cunning; compared to him, I was a joke!

Almost every recruit in the company was subjected to the veterans' discipline—it was a "tradition" in the army! To be honest, soldiers who have been beaten have a burning rage in their eyes. Given an outlet, the victim is either dead or crippled.

We new recruits dreaded weekends because our squad leaders would go to company headquarters for meetings, and the veterans, being the bosses, would gather the new recruits and have them squat on the ground to practice punches and kicks on each one, always with seemingly valid reasons: something like the water a new recruit had given them to wash their feet was too cold, or a new recruit hadn't greeted them with "Good morning, squad leader!" The new recruits would either cry or clutch their wounds

, grimacing in pain. I was, of course, the most "welcomed" one, but I never cried under their beatings, truly never. Because I chose this path myself, I won't regret it, nor will I feel pain; to be precise, I won't admit that I'm in pain now!

Though it was physically painful, I persevered, refusing to shed tears, at least not in front of others! Because this is a place of constant change, and I believe all of this will pass! I also believe I will become a veteran, and now I'm just crossing a narrow bridge on the path to becoming one!

I also believe in the saying, "A kind person is often bullied, and a good horse is often ridden." But I couldn't be unkind, because I was helpless and powerless to change anything.

Then one day, a fellow recruit was kicked in the stomach by an older soldier and couldn't get up! The older soldier was afraid, everyone was afraid, but I wasn't afraid; I just felt sorry for this "comrade."

The incident quickly reached the company commander's ears. The company commander was a veteran of the border defense, and it was said that he had been wounded and that no one in the company dared to challenge his martial arts skills.

The company commander ordered someone to take his fellow recruit to the hospital. The older soldier's brutal beating of a new recruit angered the company commander, and he now knew how the new recruits in the company were living.

He called the older soldier to his room, and after a while, the older soldier came out with a pained expression and lay down on the bed to sleep.

Later, the company commander held a company-wide meeting and warned the older soldier, saying that if anyone laid a hand on a new recruit again, he would call them to try!

The veterans were afraid of the company commander, so life was finally a little easier for us new recruits. My life was also a little easier, and the suppressed hatred didn't finally erupt but slowly subsided, which was a relief! Because before this, I had already planned to fight to the death and was prepared for everything!

Although life was better, I was still fearful. I walked with my head down, never daring to look up, and I changed!

Now I don't get beaten up anymore; I just wash clothes for the veterans every day! At first, I washed them very clean, but the more I washed, the more there was. The veterans saw that I washed clothes clean, that I was honest and easy to bully, and that I looked a bit silly, so they all wanted me to wash their clothes. Every noon, large buckets of dirty clothes filled the clean area in front of me.

Service (Fourteen)
That night, I finally shed tears in my blankets, and my bunkmate from Hebei was crying too! Actually, I'd noticed him crying in his blankets before, but I was powerless to help! Because I, too, had been subjected to the same treatment by the veterans, and no one comforted me. I had to heal my wounds myself, endure my suffering myself, and shed my tears myself! But the only difference between us was that, although I was "foolish," I could bear it all! Perhaps the word "dignity" doesn't yet exist in my dictionary! But today, I was crying just like him, and he noticed. He looked back at me but didn't say anything, and I looked at him too, but neither of us spoke.

The next morning, I could barely open my eyes, no matter how hard I tried. When I ran to the mirror, I realized my eyes were swollen, probably from crying too much last night!

The new recruits started bullying me, but I continued to do my own thing obediently! My classmate, Niu Minghui, found out and went to settle scores with the Hebei soldiers who had bullied me.

My attitude was that it's better to avoid trouble, but my classmate said, "When will this end?" When my classmate found them and asked what happened, they all spoke to him politely, unlike how they treated me! This is because my classmate's squad leader treats him very well. Whenever my classmate has a conflict with someone, if he's okay, the other person will be in trouble. The new recruits in his company are all afraid of my classmate, and everyone in our company knows this, so they don't dare to confront him!

After my classmate talked to them, the other soldiers in the company no longer dared to harass me easily. I know that sometimes force is the most effective way to solve problems and defend dignity; but now is not the time. Since I initially chose the path of feigning madness and "hiding," I have to continue, because of the veteran soldiers.

The veterans have deep bonds among themselves. I can handle one, but I'm powerless against a group, because the new recruits will never stand with me. If my classmate were with me, I believe he would stand with me! But the fact is, I'm alone, and in the end, I can only choose the original path!

There's a saying in the army: "New recruits go to their units, veterans celebrate the New Year; veterans retire, new recruits dance!" I eagerly awaited that moment to dance, because I believed I would be able to dance then, and even a "ballet" performance!

Time flew by, and the annual veteran retirement season was approaching, which lifted my spirits considerably. One of the veterans in my platoon finally told me the truth; he said they didn't want to treat me this way, but it was the platoon leader's doing behind my back. He told me the platoon leader was very cunning, saying one thing to my face and another behind my back, and that I should be careful in the future. He said the new recruit was nice to another new recruit because that recruit had given him favors, and since I had been living my own way, he wanted to get rid of me. He warned that if we didn't listen to him, he would make things difficult for us. Now that I'm leaving, he's telling you, just be careful in the future! Last time, the company was planning to send someone to the veterans' retirement home. It's a comfortable and free place. The company commander asked the squad leaders to nominate someone, but all their nominees were rejected by the company commander and political instructor. In the end, they all chose you, saying you're honest, proactive, and not afraid of hard work. The company commander and political instructor agreed, but our squad leader didn't want you to go. In the end, they sent another new recruit from the squad!

I only remembered this after hearing what the veterans said, because I had been notified to go before, but later another new recruit from the squad went instead. I didn't know why until now. As for the other things, I didn't quite believe what the veterans said until later when the other veterans in the squad told me. Then I believed that it was all the squad leader's doing!

Suddenly, I felt disgusted and wary of such a person, because I always had a goal in my heart, and if this person was involved, it wouldn't be so easy to achieve it. But right now, I'm just a new recruit and don't have the resources to deal with him. But this isn't the future, because my military life has only just begun!

In late November, the veterans left, and we new recruits all saw them off. As expected, all the pent-up emotions exploded. I even planned to perform my own ballet.

After dinner that evening, we watched the news on time. After the news, the company commander and political instructor held a meeting for us. I don't remember what they said, nor did I pay attention. I only know one thing: that kind of life of enduring humiliation was over! It felt like I had only turned the prologue of a book; the real excitement was just beginning! And indeed, the real trials and tribulations had only just begun.

After the meeting, the squad leaders made us stay behind for a collective meeting. It proved that I hadn't made a mistake in my initial approach. Those fellow recruits who had been bullying us were all kicked out one by one, like "traitors" being judged by the people after liberation, being held accountable by the squad leaders one by one! It turned out that the squad leaders had been holding back because they were worried about causing unnecessary trouble for the company's work. Now that the troublemakers were gone, they could finally clean up the mess.

Just as the veteran had predicted, my squad leader revealed his ugly side, framing me with trumped-up charges and punishing me. He was stopped by the other veteran squad leaders at the very beginning, and what they said made him feel terrible! Meanwhile, my supposedly clever buddy who replaced me has fallen into a "well" today and couldn't escape it!

My life seems to have just begun, or rather, turned a new page. Before, I was confused because I'm indeed an honest person; country folk don't know anything, no different from a frog in a well. Seeing this new world, I could only feel helpless, and the only thing I could do was calmly adapt to everything, retreating to advance!

Hiding oneself to familiarize oneself with the unfamiliar environment is the best choice, because I believe in the principle that "a tree that is taller than others will be felled by the wind; a person of higher virtue will be criticized; a person of higher conduct will be attacked!" Although I am not a noble person, we are all newcomers and hiding among us. In fact, although I have been beaten quite a bit, apart from some physical pain, it has not affected me in any other way!

I also began to be on guard, trying to avoid the squad leader's petty tricks. At the same time, I also had to get rid of the situation where others attacked my dignity!

Service (15)
One day after lunch, I was chatting with a fellow soldier from my hometown. As a result, a fellow soldier from Hebei came over to join in the fun; to be precise, he came over to make fun of me. When he heard me speaking my hometown dialect with my fellow soldier, he smiled and then said contemptuously, "What kind of bird language is this confused idiot speaking? Do you all speak bird language where you are?" Then he laughed triumphantly.

I chuckled and told him to repeat himself. The guy, quite smugly, said, "So this idiot's jumping up and down because nobody's taking care of him!"

In the end, I taught that self-important guy a lesson, making him completely submissive. The other soldiers were astonished; they probably never imagined this idiot would ever defend his dignity, would ever stand up for himself! I've said I can dance, I'm a ballet dancer!

After I finished, I told him, "Don't go too far. Don't trample on other people's dignity like a lightbulb, or you'll be the one who gets trampled. I've tolerated it all this time because the veterans have backed you up, but if anyone bothers me again, just try it!"

Actually, I just wanted to make an example of him. It proved true; no one dared to disregard my dignity like before, and there was at least some basic respect between us! I made up with the comrade who got beaten up, and I regained my dignity in their eyes; no one dared to offend me again! But the image of the idiot still lingers in their minds, and I'm happy with that label! Because I've finally understood the meaning of the word "scheming"! I also understood what the word "shrewdness" meant!

Life as a private was indeed easy; aside from training, there were no other entanglements. I could simply do what I wanted without breaking the rules.

I didn't jump up in excitement, but walked calmly, because I hadn't forgotten that I was born on the Loess Plateau! The people of the Loess Plateau are hardworking, brave, strong, kind, and honest, and I still retain all of those qualities! Because I haven't forgotten that this road is my only springboard!

It felt like no time had passed before new recruits arrived in the company. Time flew by, and I was already a veteran. I didn't treat the new recruits the way the veterans treated us before; I just lived my life as I pleased, seemingly indifferent to worldly affairs. The impression of me as a clueless idiot hadn't changed in the minds of my fellow recruits, and I wasn't in a hurry to change, because when I did, it would be a pleasant surprise for everyone.

Later, I changed platoons, escaping that cunning platoon leader. Now, in my heart, I consider him an equal. Although the military is a hierarchical place, I still respect the other veteran platoon leaders because they are different from that cunning one; they are people who truly deserve the title of platoon leader.

My fellow recruits also started dealing with the disobedient new recruits, but it wasn't the kind of life we had. Compared to the veterans we encountered, they were living in paradise, while we were living in hell!

I didn't participate in disciplining the new recruits; I just lived my own life. A few of my fellow recruits, seeing that I always stayed out of their way, complained.

One day, many new recruits broke the rules and were punished by us. Everyone urged me to start, and I "politely" declined, but they wouldn't listen. So I started anyway and joined in.

People respect those they see as strong! The new recruits were afraid of me only because I was a veteran, but my other comrades were different. The new recruits were genuinely afraid of them because they had conquered their hearts with force! You don't need many people to conquer someone; one time is enough!

I don't need them to fear me. Whether the new recruits are afraid of me or not is irrelevant to me; I just need no one to bother me! Because I slowly started reading and developed my own goals.

My actions weren't something everyone cared about, because I'm a bit of a scatterbrain; my every move wouldn't be the focus of attention, and no one would care!

The summer of 2003 was indeed a difficult one! I was looking forward to the weather getting cooler, but the arrival of the cool also meant that my green military uniform was about to "expire"! I called home more often, telling them about my idea of taking the military academy entrance exam, because this was my only second option; otherwise, it would just be a waste of time with no results.
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Service (Sixteen)
One day I received a call from home, which surprised me greatly! Because in the past two years, my family had never called me proactively. Even when I called, my parents would always say the same old things, like telling me to call home less often! This call took me a long time to answer and was the most unforgettable; it still feels like it's ringing in my ears to this day!

It was my father calling. After I answered, my father said on the phone, "How are you doing over there?"

"I'm fine! I eat well and sleep soundly every day!" I replied to my father.

“Yuze! There are some things I want to tell you. We all know you’ve been working very hard over there, and you haven’t let us down! Don’t have any mental burdens about your upcoming discharge. If things don’t work out, we can come back and find something else. The villagers won’t say anything about you; everyone in the village knows you’ve worked very hard! Don’t push yourself too hard, cheer up! There are many ways to live. As long as you’ve done your best, the results don’t matter! Anyway, whatever you do, your family will support you, so don’t have too many doubts!”

Listening to the phone, tears welled up in my eyes, but I held them back. After my father finished speaking, he said my mother missed me very much. She’d been away from home for two years and didn’t know what I was like. …

Hanging up the phone with tears in my eyes, I went alone to a secluded grove of trees, bought a pack of cigarettes, sat on the ground, and smoked, thinking about my father’s words. Perhaps my father was worried I was burdened, so he called to comfort me.

It was this phone call that made me decide to apply to military academy, because I wanted to stay in the army and make my parents proud.

Back at my company, I went to the political instructor’s office, told him about my idea of applying to military academy, and registered.

After chatting with the instructor for a while, I felt both relieved and heavy-hearted after leaving his office. I went to find my review books and studied desperately during my breaks. While others slept, I studied in the club at night.

When the instructor checked on me, he told me not to stay up too late, or my health wouldn't be able to handle it. I nodded in agreement, but I still studied until the early hours of the morning before going to sleep.

The company held a vote to elect candidates for the academic exam, and I passed! The instructor and company commander nodded and smiled. Afterwards, my comrades gathered around, some surprised, some making sarcastic remarks. Because in their eyes, I was a bit of a scatterbrain! But I seemed to accept this label.

The unit then held a military assessment, which I also passed! Finally, it was time for the unit's academic exam. I took it with great excitement, and when the results came out, I was overjoyed. I ranked second in the entire unit! The leader told me to keep working hard and strive for a good result in the formal exam!

I became the only candidate in the company to take the formal exam, which surprised everyone! I also shed my usual absent-mindedness; I had told myself I would shed my dazed exterior in a way that would surprise them, and I did! But I would also surprise them even more, making them realize they had always underestimated me—I would do it! ...

After the official exam, I finally felt relieved. A few days later, I learned my results from my superiors: I had been accepted into an air force academy in Northeast China. The moment I received the acceptance letter, I felt utterly relieved, a very real relief! Holding

the letter in my hand, I recalled the trials and tribulations of the past, and the weight of those days seemed so heavy! Some of my comrades had fallen in love that year, while I myself had never been involved with a single girl, or even spoken more than a few words to one! I remember the first year, Guo Sanba went to the headquarters hospital for surgery. Because it was summer, and he hadn't been careful, his wound got infected, and he was hospitalized again. I went to the hospital to take care of him. There was a resident in the same ward who seemed to have some kind of injury; his daughter and niece often came to visit him. Guo Sanba had a crush on that girl and was always trying to strike up a conversation. I, being quite perceptive, would go to the balcony to sunbathe and try smoking.

The girl seemed reluctant to talk to Guo Sanba and also came to the balcony. I sat on the balcony, silent, just smoking. The girl came over and started chatting with me. To be honest, I didn't know what to say, so I just listened without speaking. Gradually, the girl started talking to me more often. Later, when Guo Sanba was about to be discharged, the girl asked for my phone number, and I just said "No!" That was the only time I ever spoke to a girl.

Sitting in my room packing my things, thinking about all this, I can only smile. Two years have passed, and today I'm a veteran! With the sentiments of a veteran, I'm about to leave the old unit where I grew up!

The night before I left, some of my fellow villagers and close comrades-in-arms had a drinking session on the football field. I remember drinking a lot that night, but I wasn't drunk; in fact, I was quite sober and felt great! Because I had stepped into the doorway of a different kind of life.

The next day, only my classmates and later my squad leader saw me off, because there were only a few people left in the company, and the other comrades were away on missions.

I boarded the train heading north, and after two days of bumpy travel, I finally arrived in this city in Northeast China. The city was beautiful and clean! That was my first impression. My life seemed to have just begun; everything before me was new, and the newness excited me!

(Seventeen)
I am not a fickle person, and I have not forgotten my comrades-in-arms and classmates in my old unit; I can never forget them, for they gave me help and encouragement on my path to growth!

After getting off the train, an elderly man traveling with me helped me carry one of my bags. He saw I had too much luggage and offered to help. I felt a little embarrassed and said I could manage, but he insisted on helping me. This made me truly feel the hospitality here, which wasn't just a legend! It also reminded me of a song that says, "Northeasterners are all living Lei Fengs," and it seems to be true. Compared to my old workplace, this place is far better; because in that city, all I felt was indifference!

The elderly man helped me carry my luggage to the registration office set up by the school in the station. I thanked him gratefully, and he just smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I didn't understand what he meant, but I still returned his grateful smile!

After putting down my luggage, I told the guy who was greeting me my name. He looked at me, then pointed to a large truck in front and said, "The bus just left, and the next one hasn't arrived yet. Put your luggage on the truck first."

Just like in an American movie, I stood under the truck and threw my luggage onto it with all my might, then lit a cigarette and took a few deep drags.

After a while, the truck was about to leave. I boarded it along with a few other unfamiliar guys who would be arriving later. We headed to the school, no longer waiting for a comfortable bus, because these "Mercedes-Benzes" were always our special train.

The truck swayed and bumped as it arrived at a rather remote place. I wasn't disappointed by its remoteness; on the contrary, I was still very excited. The truck drove into the school gate, and all I saw along the way were sky-blue military uniforms. Having gotten used to green, seeing blue was a bit of an adjustment.

The truck stopped on the concrete road between two dormitory buildings, and the driver gestured for us to get off—we had arrived. I quickly jumped off and took my luggage from one of the unfamiliar guys. Just then, another unfamiliar guy ran towards us from the direction of one of the dormitory buildings. This guy was taller and stronger than me.

"What's your major?" the big guy asked me.

"Communications!" I replied casually.

"Come with me!" the big guy said, already picking up my bag and walking away.

I followed him, taking a deep breath in front of the dormitory building to see if the air was inviting.

The big guy led me into a dormitory room. As we approached the door, I heard a lot of noise inside, but everyone fell silent when I, the "outsider," entered.

The big guy and I put my luggage on an empty bunk, and I looked around at everyone in the room, including the big guy. I realized they were all newbies, because I noticed the rank insignia on their shoulders!

The big guy greeted everyone enthusiastically, and I assumed he knew them all, but I later learned he didn't.

He seemed like a shrewd person; his unusual enthusiasm stemmed from knowing I was an army soldier, which made me somewhat flattered. Gradually, I understood his enthusiasm: he just wanted an army collar insignia, cap badge, and rank insignia. These weren't important to me anymore, so I gave them to him. Once he received them, he calmed down, which made me feel much better.

I put down my luggage and sat on the bare bed, looking at everyone in the room. They were looking at me too, and this continued for a few minutes.

"Are you in the army?" one of the guys asked.

"Yeah!" I looked at him, puzzled, then at my green military uniform. I really didn't understand—didn't my green uniform prove I was in the army?

Anyway, this guy broke the silence! I humbly greeted each of the guys there, then returned to my seat.

For some reason, I suddenly wanted to offer them cigarettes, partly to break the ice, and partly to find out their preferences.

Cigarettes, that deadly thing, are quite effective; in unfamiliar surroundings, they can create a comfortable and familiar atmosphere.

They all humbly said they didn't smoke. I was puzzled; my cigarettes weren't bad, so why didn't they smoke?

I looked around, then sat down and lit one for myself.

"Aren't you afraid they'll arrest you?" one of the guys asked behind me.

"No problem! Smoking isn't arson, what's there to be afraid of!" I shook my head.

The room suddenly became lively again. Wow! Looking back, I was startled. Only one person in the room wasn't smoking; everyone else had already lit one.

"Didn't you guys not smoke?" I asked in surprise.

"It's not that we don't smoke, it's that we're afraid to. Now that you've taken the lead, we dare to smoke! If we're going to die, we die together!" said the guy who asked if I was in the army, a cigarette dangling from his lips.

He was being honest; they were indeed waiting for someone to take the lead, and without a doubt, I became that person.

"Don't worry, smoke! It'll be fine! At least for the next few days!" I said with a smile.

"Heh!" the guy laughed.

After finishing his cigarette, I learned his name was Hua Zi, from Shandong. Later, we became good friends because we both loved smoking, but he didn't know I was a genuine fake smoker!

After two comfortable days, everything returned to normal; the first gift of the semester was training; I thought this place would only be about studying, but I didn't expect to still be entangled in training; I wasn't feeling very comfortable.

Service (18)
I have to admit that I changed the moment I stepped into the school gates. I became cunning because I secretly hid my stupidity and ignorance. I also became more cheerful because the brothers in my class were very enthusiastic! Here, we don't pay attention to anyone's rank; we only know that we are all trainees.

The guys in my class called me Lu Jun instead of my name, and this nickname lasted for almost a semester.

On the day everything returned to normal, a new member joined the class. The brothers from Hunan gave him a nickname, "Old Hand," because he was the oldest soldier in our class. Old Hand's hometown wasn't far from mine, so we called each other "fellow villagers."

We brothers got along very well; there was no contempt or discrimination. The first page of life seemed to begin like this.

The daily drill training made us very tired. Although we were all veterans, the high-intensity training wasn't easy to endure. Later, I always said that I had served in the army twice and entered the recruit camp twice.

Standing at attention is a fundamental skill for soldiers, and here, it can last for two hours at a stretch. The intense pain afterward makes it a dreaded task for everyone; so the only thought is to get to bed as soon as possible after sunset – that's why we persevere.

While standing at attention, I realized what true talent is – someone actually fell asleep! Sleeping while standing is something straight out of martial arts novels, but it actually happened in reality, which is truly admirable! Not only do we admire this guy, but our physical education instructor does too.

It's been a month since I enrolled, and I've adapted to everything here. Today's subject was still standing at attention; I guess I was tired, because I didn't think much when I heard the command, just stood there obediently with my legs tucked in. The vast stadium was filled with many "pillars"!

Training finally ended, and our class's star player, Mr. Zhu Hongwen, immediately picked up his beat-up guitar and started playing as soon as he got back to the dorm; a bunch of us were instantly itching to kill him.

Zhu Hongwen is quite a talent; he's an expert in music, a self-taught composer. He'd only played a couple of notes today when everyone else started criticizing him.

The seasoned veteran walked over, looked at him, and said only briefly, "With your skill level, I'd pay you to listen to ten of your pieces for one yuan at my doorstep!"

A group of people burst into laughter; Mr. Zhu, not one to back down, looked at them and said, "Isn't that right? Now you're complaining about getting a free performance!"

"The point is, other people's playing can be uplifting, but yours is just killing me!" Hua Zi said with a cigarette dangling from his lips.

"Get out! Get out!" the whole class started attacking.

"What's wrong with me playing for a while? It's to help you relax!" Mr. Zhu said with a smile.

"Get lost!" the whole class shouted at the same time.

"Okay! Be civilized, we're all civilized people, I'll go out now!" Mr. Zhu said, then picked up his guitar and left.

Zhu Hongwen hadn't played for long when he heard many people outside shouting, "Master Zhu, if you keep playing, we'll burn your instrument!"

A moment later, Master Zhu sheepishly returned with his guitar, a smile on his face, and said tactfully, "Sorry, I've angered everyone today, haha!" He then put away his guitar and started smoking.

To be honest, it wasn't that everyone was ignoring his musical talent, it's just that everyone was tired and needed rest, not to listen to music; he had simply chosen the wrong time.

Lunchtime arrived, and everyone was starving. They frantically ran out to line up and entered the canteen!

The food was plentiful again. To be honest, it was the first time I'd eaten sea fish here, and it tasted delicious. I don't know the name of the fish, but I know there weren't many bones.

After lunch, it was time to sleep, something I'd been looking forward to. Back in the dorm, I quickly climbed into bed and drifted off to sleep. I don't remember what I dreamt about, only that it was a beautiful dream, so beautiful I didn't want to wake up.

A long whistle blew us back to reality. The afternoon training started with military posture again. Our tired bodies and minds were no longer afraid of the tiring standing; it was just a matter of time! Minute by minute, it finally ended. The only good news for today was that the military posture training was over, meaning the following training would be mobile and relatively easier.

The drill training began again, the same steps, the same rhythm. We've been doing this for years, and now it continues. It reminds me of the famous saying, "The hardest thing in the world is perseverance!" We are persevering, but it's only passive perseverance, not a conscious effort.

I heard that after training this year, there will be a military parade on National Day, October 1st. We all eagerly awaited that day, not because we felt honored, but because we longed for it to end—to end this monotonous and tedious life.

Finally, after much agonizing waiting, October 1st arrived. The school held a grand ceremony, almost indistinguishable from the National Day parade in Tiananmen Square on TV. If there was any difference, it was in the level of drill.

The parade was incredibly inspiring, and an unusual tension arose from within! However, the final result filled our entire team with excitement and pride. In terms of both formation and momentum, our team surpassed all other teams, thus being awarded the title of advanced and winning first place. From then on, our team began to grace the school stage, our fame spreading far and wide. For a time, everyone knew our team's name. Military

Service (19)
The National Day holiday was long, but military holidays are unlike those in civilian life. Although it's a holiday, we still have to stay at school because behind our student identities are soldiers!

The cadet team organized a trip, and the captain and instructor led us to various scenic spots in the city, which was a pleasant holiday!

The holiday felt short and flew by, so fast that it was over before we could even catch our breath.

On the last day of the holiday, we were all issued new military uniforms, and I received my Air Force uniform, which meant that the green uniform I had worn for two years would be put away. The moment I took off my Army uniform, I put it on the bed and looked at it carefully. Only today did I realize how beautiful this green uniform was!

After suppressing my reluctance, I washed and hung out the old Army uniform to dry. I attached the collar insignia and blue cadet shoulder boards to the new uniform and put it on. It felt a little strange, perhaps because I was used to that green uniform! But I got used to it quickly and was very happy; in my words, I had served in the army and air force! ...

I completely changed, becoming very cheerful; as my brothers said, my laughter arrived before I even got there! They said they had never seen me with a gloomy face; hearing this, I just smiled, laughing at myself for changing so quickly, so quickly that I hadn't even noticed; perhaps it was mostly because I escaped the fate of returning to the barren land! Yes, it was because I escaped the place that gave me birth and nurtured me, and I felt very fortunate! In an instant, past memories flashed through my mind; the struggles for survival and future prospects were gone, the only thing left was to study hard and improve every day.

I left the past in my heart, behind my thoughts; I placed the present in my heart, above my head; the light seemed to illuminate my path forward, shining in my heart; I was no longer troubled by my future! I was just bravely moving forward on the current path! Moving forward!

I was no longer afraid of the loneliness of time, no longer afraid of the anxiety of not seeing a way out! Because I enjoy the peace I feel now, the tranquility in my heart! I've really changed!

Everyone has a tendency to be lazy, and I have it too, very strongly! I'm not afraid of not seeing a way out, I'm afraid of embracing laziness, that's what I've always feared! But sometimes I can't control myself, I'm controlled by what I'm controlled, I've become a puppet being played with! When I'm alone, I get used to pondering, pondering many things, so I've aged myself through all that pondering!

Sometimes when I'm out and about, seeing the bustling pedestrians on the street, feeling so relaxed, so happy, I envy them; I envy what they have, because I think of reality as simple, perfect! And even more so because I can't see some of the realities of life! I fantasize that one day I'll be like them, walking the streets, letting others imagine our lives from my current perspective, imagining the "relaxation" and "happiness" I possess! But are the pedestrians I see truly happy? I don't know, maybe one day I will!

Then one day, on the road, my comrades and I were traveling in our military uniforms, and the driver kept saying he envied us; we all laughed, because we didn't know what he envied about us! The driver said that life in the army is actually very easy; the country provides everything, and you don't have to bear the pressure and pain of social realities! I felt he was flattering us because we didn't see our own advantages back then, because we can never see our true selves!

Coming back from the trip was exhausting, not mentally, but physically! Back in the dorm, everyone was talking about the beautiful women they'd seen that day; honestly, I didn't know what was so interesting to talk about, because I'd never "touched" a woman! My roommates didn't know, and I'd never admitted to being a virgin. I was afraid they'd laugh at me because I had vanity, and I felt it very strongly! But I do have a good eye for beauty, so I could pretend and discuss the so-called beauties with them!

During the conversation, I felt that Hua Zi was a master of romance, and Zhu Hongwen was a seasoned veteran! Their discussions often revealed too many secrets to someone as clueless about relationships between men and women as I did! Gradually, they probably started to have doubts. One day, during a joke, they said I was definitely a virgin! To my surprise, I simply said, "How did you know I'm a man who's been 'handled' by women?" Everyone just laughed and calmed down!

Our discussion wasn't about being lecherous; that would misunderstand our intention. We were just looking for something to do when we were bored. Besides, women's beauty is often for men to see, to see and then discuss their impressions. Otherwise, why would they dress up so beautifully? In short, what we said was like a gust of wind, leaving no trace in our minds. If there was any trace, it was only me, because I'm a complete idiot when it comes to love! (Bookbag.com - Read books here,

serve on Bookbag.com (20))
Honestly, I'm more interested in these topics because I know nothing about them! But I'm more interested in my future! For me, relationships are just an accessory to life, not the key issue right now, so after hearing about them, it's like I didn't hear them at all. I just focus on my studies because I want to graduate!

Studying is hard, but not studying would be even harder, so I chose to study! My grades aren't particularly good, but I can keep up with the pace of the lessons, and I complete all my assignments myself!

Time seems to fly by; the hot summer is over, and winter isn't far behind! I tell myself this because I just want winter to come quickly, because then there will be winter break, and I can go home!

I wonder what my hometown will be like after two years away. My memories might not match reality! Because reality often surprises our imagination! Whether there will be a surprise or not, I'm really looking forward to it, silently counting down the days!

People say that time seems to stretch when you're focused on something, but I think that's just a sensory joke! Every day has 24 hours, no more, no less! If you use boredom to kill boredom, your senses will tire; if you use tedious tasks to cope with boredom, time will fly by! I used my tedious study life to kill what was supposed to be boring days, and of course, time flew by!

Before I knew it, winter break was here, and I felt so relieved after the exams! In the dorm, everyone was discussing how to go home, not about women or anything else. Most of us were going home for the first time, so we were excited and looking forward to it!

Break time! Finally, I boarded the train home, feeling very happy. I thought about the changes in my hometown and missed my family; beautiful scenery flew past the train window, but the most beautiful scenery in my eyes was the scenery in my heart.

The day before I embarked on my journey home, I called home. My father said he would pick me up at the station, but I said I didn't need to come, that I could go home by myself. But I couldn't persuade him. I don't know what my father is like now; we've been apart for two years!

Two years isn't long, but it's not short either. If you count on your fingers, life is only a few dozen two-year periods! Two years is enough time for everything to change in ways you can't even imagine!

The train stopped on the yellow earth where we hadn't seen each other for two years. I got off with my luggage, and as soon as I stepped out of the station, my father, smiling, walked towards me from a short distance away. To

be honest, I didn't recognize him at first because he had aged and was completely different from the person I remembered. I recognized my younger sister immediately; she had grown up and was now an aunt.

My father took my luggage and led me to the bus back to the village. I couldn't help but say, "Dad! What happened to you?!" I spoke from the bottom of my heart. My father and sister laughed, and my father asked, "How have I changed?"

"I've gotten older!" I said with a smile.

My father just smiled and didn't say anything more before leading me away.

The county town of my hometown had indeed changed; there was demolition and construction everywhere. I think my father came to pick me up because he wanted to see me as soon as possible and because he was afraid I wouldn't be able to find my way home.

When we arrived in the village, we met many elderly people and children. I remembered all the elderly people and knew how to address them, but I didn't recognize any of the children! They were sleeping in their parents' arms when I left, and now they were running all over the streets! That's what two years had passed!

When I got home, my mother was still cooking for me in the kitchen. She only came out when she heard me call out "Mom."

My mother has aged; I noticed some gray hairs on her head. She smiled and said, "You're here so soon! My meal isn't ready yet!"

I wanted to cry when I heard her words. She was worried I'd be hungry when I got home, and she wanted to have the meal ready before I arrived, just like when I came home from school as a child, holding a steaming hot meal in my hands.

In the evening, our neighbors came over for a visit, and our house was lively. We chatted happily about everything under the sun, and my parents smiled broadly. The only difference was that I no longer stared at the television screen thinking about my future, because I had already found my path.

During the Spring Festival, my father was resting at home. My mother cooked a few dishes and brought them over. My father took out some wine and asked me to have a few drinks with him. I smiled and drank with him. This was the first time my father had asked me to drink; in his eyes, I had grown up.

The holiday felt too short. After the Spring Festival, I had to go back to school. I said goodbye to my family and left the Loess Plateau and the unchanged Ma Liang Mountain once again.

When I returned to school, most of my classmates had arrived. After resting for two days, classes started. Back in the classroom, I forgot everything from the past; it seemed like I was back on track quickly! bookbao.com The best txt download website

Service (Twenty-one)
This summer felt like it came very quickly. I remember that not long after I returned from home, winter was over.

One weekend, I asked for leave from school and went out with some classmates. Our goal was to get some fresh air and have some fun. At that time, we were all poor and lived on our meager monthly allowances. So, our destination was naturally low-cost.

We went roller skating, which was undoubtedly a forced task for me because I couldn't skate at all.

When I put on the roller skates and stood up, I fell down. I got up again and fell down again. So, I simply got up and held onto the railing without moving. Watching others skate made me itch to try it myself. Just when I was in a dilemma, a beautiful girl walked up to me. She was wearing a white dress.

"You can't skate?" the girl asked as she walked up to me.

"No!" I replied sheepishly.

"Come on, I'll teach you!" the girl said, extending her fair hand.

Seeing the beautiful girl's initiative, I didn't hesitate to extend my hand as well; the girl helped me skate back and forth on the rink; I'm not bad at it, and I quickly learned, skating shoulder to shoulder with her, chatting as we went.

This scene caught the attention of the other students, who objected, asking if we already knew each other. I shook my head helplessly.

The girl smiled and said to them, "We don't know each other!"

"Then why are you holding hands so sweetly!" Blackie from Class 3 said with a laugh.

I really wanted to kick that kid when I heard that; his language skills were terrible. He had already said he didn't know me, yet he used such a sensitive word to describe the situation.

The girl just smiled and didn't say anything more; the boys looked at me with mischievous smiles; I ignored them.

"Let's go, let's go over there and rest!" the girl said, taking my hand.

Amidst laughter, I was dragged away like a chick caught by an eagle. We sat in the rest area and chatted for a long time. The girl told me her name, but I didn't remember it!

Not remembering a beautiful woman's name is probably a big mistake for a man, I admit it; but the reason I didn't remember her name was because I wasn't thinking too much about it, just treating her as a casual acquaintance! Because often, unfamiliarity is much better than familiarity.

This isn't because there were other problems; honestly, which man wouldn't be attracted to a beautiful girl? It's not that I had no thoughts, but at the moment I couldn't have any other thoughts, because I had to strive for my future and work hard for my life!

Not long after returning to school, many people knew about this; secrets can't stay hidden forever! My classmates said I didn't know how to seize opportunities, but I just smiled and let it go, because in my heart I knew what opportunities I truly needed!

I wouldn't let go of the opportunities I needed, because I needed them, so I seized them!

Time, like a torrent, will wash everything away; nothing in this world can withstand the erosion of time, including people! This matter has been forgotten by time in that unseen corner, just like my past, which is no longer visible to the eye!

Life settled down as usual, the same old routine of going to class and leaving class every day! School life was quite mundane; unlike in local schools, there weren't any epic romances happening here, because we nicknamed ourselves "the monastery"! There wasn't anything particularly memorable, except for our camaraderie, which is etched in our hearts!

Another semester was coming to an end, and like last holiday, I called home before the exams. My father answered, and we only talked for a short while. When we talked about coming home again, he just said, "So fast." I just smiled and said, "Yes, only half a year has passed!"

Two days before leaving after the exams, I called home again, and this time my mother answered. When I asked about my father, she said he was too tired and was resting!

Hearing her answer, I didn't ask anything else, just told her when I'd be home. She didn't say anything and hung up.

I boarded the train home, heading towards my distant hometown; the journey was as cheerful as ever, chatting and laughing with my classmates, nothing had changed.

The train stopped at the station in my hometown. I took my luggage and got off the train. When I walked out of the station, I didn't see my family. I went to a public phone booth and called home as my mother had told me.

The call went through and my uncle answered. He told me to call my second uncle who works in the city. After hanging up, I called my second uncle. He told me to come to the hospital to see him and that he would take me home with him later.

So, without any warning, I stayed at the hospital for most of the day. It wasn't until the afternoon that I went home with my second uncle.

(Twenty-two)
Halfway through my service, a heavy rainstorm started. My motorcycle tire was punctured. I jumped off the motorcycle to push it.

The summer rain was cool and refreshing. I didn't know that an even bigger rainstorm was about to hit me. This rainstorm chilled me to the bone, and I still feel it now.

I was chatting and laughing all the way, as was my second uncle; I didn't sense anything unusual, only complaining that the storm had come too quickly.

Since we were soaked to the bone and the flash flood had blocked the way home, we rested for the night at a nearby relative's house.

When I arrived at this distant aunt's house, she was very welcoming and caring! My second uncle had called her before we went, and I don't know what he said; but now I saw only reluctance and pity in her eyes! She pitied me because she cared so much about me!

Even now, I still didn't understand why! I rested anxiously on this stormy night. That evening, my second uncle's phone rang. He answered and only said, "I'm here, I won't say anything now, let's do it tomorrow! You guys should prepare too!" He hung up after those few brief words; I just looked at the screen without saying anything.

The next morning, the sun came out! My second uncle and I had some breakfast at my aunt's house and then walked home.

On the way home, my second uncle tentatively asked me some questions, which I found utterly baffling. When I was asked to answer, I simply smiled, because I believed that a smile was the best response to awkward questions! But after hearing these questions, I thought about them carefully and a question arose in my mind. I asked my second uncle in return, but he didn't answer me directly.

When I entered the village, I saw villagers come forward to greet me, and the old people looked at me and sighed, only saying, "Young man, hurry home!"

Finally, I arrived home. Walking in, I saw many people in the yard, relatives and neighbors were all there; their eyes were filled with sadness when they saw me. I thought they were just visiting, but when I entered the room, I was stunned! My father's photo was placed in the middle of the back wall of the room. The photo was black and white, and incense and candles were burning in front of it! I knew what this meant!

I felt as if a thunderbolt had struck me, and even in broad daylight, everything seemed dark!

I looked back at the kang (a heated brick bed), and two lines of tears streamed down my face; my mother saw me crying and also burst into tears; I asked everyone around me, "Where's my father?"

Everyone around me was crying, but I couldn't cry. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I turned and walked out of the room. Under the blazing sun, I finally couldn't hold back my tears and burst into sobs! This was the first time I had cried in front of others since I grew up; I cried until every joint in my body was numb!

Neighbors came to comfort me, but I ignored them, just wanting to feel better. I couldn't bear the previous forbearance any longer; I just wanted to release the pent-up emotions from this forbearance!

My aunt came over crying to comfort me, but I couldn't hear her words.

In my mind, wasn't my father perfectly fine? I couldn't accept this reality; it was too cruel, too heavy for me!

I didn't know what the purpose of this outcome was, but I knew I had lost my father! I would never see him again!

My aunt finally pulled me back inside, handed me three lit incense sticks, and told me to offer incense to my father. My hands trembled uncontrollably as I took the incense and placed them in the incense burner. I knelt down heavily, banging my head against the ground. I wanted to wake up, because I was afraid this was a nightmare!

Those around me helped me up. When I stood up, I couldn't cry anymore; I just stared blankly at my father's portrait and the burning incense.

When I calmed down, I wanted to run outside and run for a while, because I was in so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and I just wanted to use exhaustion to suppress the pain. But as I took a step, those around me pulled me back, not letting me run out alone. I stood there, silent, my father's image flashing in my mind—he looked just as old as he did last year!

My mother was ill; sometimes she would faint for hours! My heart felt like a kite with a broken string; I didn't know what to do!

It was as if God was punishing me, first making me lose my father, and then making my mother suffer so much! I complained about God's cruel arrangement, but what was the use? I felt so helpless!

I called the school counselor to extend my vacation. The counselor comforted me, and I was very grateful to him. After hanging up, walking down the street, I felt so alone; there was no smile, no presence, not even a chance for me to show my filial piety!

I don't know what fate has in store for my family, what kind of future awaits us! I only know that I must face everything alone! Fortunately, my mother's health is slowly improving, which is the only glimmer of hope I can feel!

(Service 23)
After my mother recovered, she told me that my father was very happy when he received my call. He said that he hadn't spent enough time with me during the Spring Festival last year, but now that he wasn't so busy, he could spend more time with me at home!

After hearing my father's last words, I wanted to cry my heart out, but I held back for fear of causing my mother pain. Finally, I found a place where my mother couldn't see me and cried without worry!

I know my mother also wanted to cry, but she held back to support my sister and me.

When we faced each other, we encouraged each other and suppressed our own pain! We deceived each other, telling a white lie!

Some of my other relatives abandoned and betrayed us for personal gain, and our family of three suddenly became an orphan and a widow! It was as if our loved ones had rubbed salt into our hearts.

We remained strong because we refused to let others look down on us or let threats coerce us. Instead, we were determined to live better than before, to show them that our world hadn't collapsed and that the sun was still shining brightly in the sky! Even without their help, we, a widow and her children, would still live well, and even better than them!

Without blood relatives, I'm not afraid, and I won't let their schemes succeed! But thinking about the help my father gave them when he was alive, and then looking at how they treat us today, I suddenly no longer believe that blood ties are the closest in this world! I no longer feel the presence of such relatives in my heart!

When it was almost time to go back to school, my mother kept urging me to go. I told her I had asked for leave, and she scolded me. I know she didn't want to delay my future, which is why when my father died in the car accident, she didn't let anyone tell me, telling them I was taking exams and didn't want it to affect me! Now, urging me to go back to school is for the same reason, because she knows my father wouldn't want that either!

I couldn't disobey my mother's orders, so I listened to her and promised to go back to school on time! As I was leaving, my mother said to me, "You are now the only man in the family. You must make the family proud in everything you do! Work hard and don't let others look down on you. We, a widow and her orphan, must live better than anyone else. We must show them! Remember, if you do well, you will intimidate them, and they won't dare to do anything to us. No one dares to bully or ostracize your sister and me on Ma Liang Mountain! And our family will be safe and sound!"

From that moment on, the responsibility for my family rested on my shoulders! This burden weighed heavily on me, making it hard to breathe! Because it was so heavy!

I remembered my mother's words and returned to school on time. After reporting for duty, the instructor and the team leader talked to me and offered me guidance from time to time. I didn't let anyone else know that I had lost my father because I didn't want others to know; the instructor and the others didn't tell anyone else either.

In this torment, I finally learned to smoke. Every night, late at night, I would hide in the darkness and smoke intensely. When the instructor checked the dorms, he found me and scolded me, saying, "If you're a grown man, stand up straight! If the sky falls, bear it! Life is a cycle of birth, aging, sickness, and death. What kind of person are you? Do you think your family would want to see you like this? Would your father want to see you become like this?"

After scolding me, the instructor left. I knew he wasn't just scolding me; he was encouraging me. He wanted to awaken my dormant consciousness through his scolding, to make me pull myself together and focus on my studies. Later, under his repeated encouragement, I gradually pulled myself together, and it took almost a whole semester to do so! When

I pulled myself together, I just studied desperately. I smiled less, and I slowly became silent, so silent that it frightened even myself! Because after the silence, I didn't know who I was. Would I still be the same person I used to be?

In the silent darkness, I lost my former self, and in that loss, I completely lost my innocent and lively self! Losing all those happy memories…!

I recall the famous Indian poet Tagore writing in his poem, “The sorrow of losing memory is like a silent, dark time; no birds sing, only crickets chirp!”

Darkness has become my best refuge, because in the darkness I can do whatever I want, without any restraint, revealing the pain of missing my family! Letting the tears brought on by pressure flow silently!

Hiding in the darkness, cigarettes are my only companions; I light one cigarette after another, inhaling the tobacco's flavor fiercely as it glows and fades! I use tears to express my feelings, letting the darkness embrace my aching heart and fragile shoulders!

(Twenty-four)
I have fallen in love with the darkness! Because in the darkness I can see my father, a father who has received not a shred of filial piety from his son!

Every morning, when the sun drives away the darkness, I “put on” that silent shell, wear that mask of a bright smile, and turn over the pillow, soaked with tears in the darkness, forever hiding the true traces of the darkness within!

Time is both long and short. I've become numb, burying my guilt towards my father deep in my heart, a guilt that will forever remain there…! It

's as if I've found my former self again; in reality, I've found a fragment of a memory, and based on that memory, I've reconstructed a skin of my former self. I quietly put that skin on, slowly forgetting and then taking it off! …

In the summer of 2005, I received my graduation certificate. Because time had stored everything in my heart, my mood improved considerably! I packed my bags, ready to return to my old workplace!

Only when it was time to leave did I realize how reluctant I was to leave! Every little thing I did here was so captivating! Perhaps it was because I lost myself here; my former footprints remained! And the shadow of my former self!

Looking at the familiar surroundings, I kept the past in my heart! Just as Tagore said, "I leave my memories as a flame in my lonely lamp of parting!"; I left them in this ever-burning lamp!

The departure was lively; the school held a grand farewell ceremony! At the train station, the military band played cheerful tunes; and I, disguised, walked among the laughter!

Boarding the train, I looked at this beautiful place again through the window, trying to make the memory as deep as possible, silently sketching it in my heart, letting the bright memories be treasured in shadow!

After reporting to my old workplace, I returned to the old place, and looking at it, I felt a sense of unfamiliarity!

My current self was shaped by an environment, but returning to the old place, I lost my former self. This new body felt alienated from the memories of this place, which made me even more terrified! I feared that even the last trace of my past memories would disappear into the darkness!

I, with my shell, feared the coming of darkness. I didn't want to completely lose my former self; I wanted to retain some memories, because I wanted to comfort myself with those memories in the future! To have grounds to say to myself, "I was real once!"!

Many people here are strangers to me, just as I am to them! Yet I still search here, searching aimlessly, because I don't even know what I'm looking for! Like a wandering ant, not knowing when its destination will be! Summers

here are scorching. During the long summer days, I gradually got to know some new and old friends; we chatted together, passing the time with boredom; and during this time, my first love happened!

Zhang Mingjie was a comrade I met after arriving here. We were in the same company, and we got along very well. He was a local, very outgoing and kind!

One day, we talked about women; during the conversation, I learned that his girlfriend used to live in another city but had recently returned home and often came to see him these days!

We joked around, and I said, "Do you come here often to collect 'semen'?"

He laughed and said, "Damn! What kind of jerk are you to say that!"

I laughed loudly and then said, "Others go to deliver 'semen,' but you're clever enough to make the other person unable to resist the loneliness and come to collect 'semen'!"

"Why haven't I seen your girlfriend in so long?" he asked after laughing, bringing up this topic that I couldn't find a reason to say!

"No! I haven't had a girlfriend yet!" I said with an embarrassed laugh.

"No way! You really don't have a girlfriend? You're not still a virgin, are you? Hehehe!" he said with a laugh.

"Damn! You're in high demand right now, but I have no market for you! You have to introduce someone to me!" I joked.

"Sure! There really is a girl who asked me to introduce her to one of our friends, so I'll introduce her to you!" he said with a laugh, and I started to have doubts; I thought, could it really be such a coincidence?

Service (Twenty-Five)
Just as Zhang Mingjie said, my first love began in a joke! I exchanged phone calls with that girl and arranged to meet at a certain time!

On the day we met, I made a point of dressing up, unlike my usual carefree self, and rushed to our meeting place.

After getting off the 314 bus, my eyes scanned the area near a supermarket entrance.

I picked up my phone and dialed her number. I saw the girl who answered; she looked decent, the kind of honest and unassuming woman.

I deliberately paid close attention to the qualities Zhang Mingjie had mentioned about this girl! Just as he said, her breasts were indeed unusually large, a true "busty bombshell"!

Her figure was voluptuous; as Hua Zi once said, "A full figure is a man's favorite—sexy to look at, and fleshy to touch! Not just bones under a foreskin!" I completely agreed with that guy's classic statement. The

girl walked towards me. Since it was almost lunchtime, I asked her to go out for dinner! To be honest, I was a bit nervous, like a "first-timer"! But we had a very pleasant and enjoyable conversation!

During our chat, I realized I was getting horny; most of my gaze lingered on her chest. I mentally berated myself, pouring cold water on my own lust. ...

In the evening, I saw her off, feeling much happier. I didn't know if this meant I was in love with her, or just attracted to her body.

We kept in frequent contact afterward and met often. Zhang Jieming asked if I had already given myself to her. I said soon, the battle was just ahead!

Sure enough, after a not-so-short period of dating, we were able to hold each other close. One hot afternoon, she said she was tired, so we went to a hotel.

I nervously planned all of this, feeling somewhat despicable. But once in the room, I realized how hesitant I was—lustful but lacking the courage! I even considered making an excuse to leave!

But seeing that alluring body, I hesitated and stayed. I watched TV while she took a shower, saying she was covered in sweat.

The summer heat already made one's heart flutter, let alone being in such a tempting environment!

After showering, she lay down on the bed and fell asleep; my eyes were on the TV, but my mind was on her!

I don't know when, but I also felt sleepy, perhaps because of the summer heat! I slowly lay down beside her and drifted off to sleep!

In my dream, I was hugging a block of ice, sleeping very comfortably! Maybe the room's air conditioning was set a little too high, because when I fell asleep, I was actually hugging her body!

In my hazy state, my hands roamed over her voluptuous body; perhaps this roaming made her restless, as she swayed from side to side and struggled.

Often, many things become intentional realities in unintentional illusions! The plans I had in my mind, which I hadn't completed in my waking state, were realized in my illusory dream!

When we opened our eyes in our struggle, we both stared at each other in shock! We were both a little embarrassed! Because my hands, which were holding her, had slipped inside her clothes, pressing against her exposed breasts, her large breasts completely under my grasp! Her hands, outside her clothes, pressed tightly against mine, guiding them to the most sensitive part of her breasts!

For a moment, we just looked at each other. Perhaps her neck, which had been turned away, couldn't withstand the test of time and slowly turned back. I, embarrassed, tried to withdraw my hands in the awkward silence.

After a tentative movement, I slowly began to pull them back, but she suddenly pressed down on my hands. I felt a bit like I'd caught her red-handed!

She leaned closer to me, and before she did, one of her hands went behind her back and unhooked her bra! I couldn't see her face, but I could feel her heart!

I felt a little guilty because I wasn't sure! My thoughts were still stuck in a rigid state, afraid to do anything rash! I didn't want to betray her because there was still a sliver of conscience left in my body!

(Service 26)
She had decided on me, but I hadn't decided on her yet; because I didn't know what it would feel like to decide, everything was unknown!

She leaned her head against my body as I struggled with my thoughts! Only then did I realize that my lustful courage had been emboldened! I roughly caressed her body! She turned around, facing me with her eyes closed, her face flushed!

My conscience, stunned by desire, fell into a deep sleep. I brazenly removed her coat, my eyes fixed on the two pink nipples on her white breasts!

Temptation is like a devil, often eroding any semblance of restraint through greed!

One hand was already inside her, noticing her wetness! Her legs were tightly pressed together; I panicked, trying to pull my hand away, but she held it firmly; one of her hands pressed against it, kneading it tightly; my other hand untied her skirt, pulling it down in her silence!

Her hand inadvertently approached my lower body, unbuckling my belt and slipping inside!

In the throes of unbearable desire, we were already naked. When I tried to take her for granted, she calmed down, opened her eyes, and stopped me. She looked at me with pleading eyes and said, "Can we just leave it at that? This…this is my first time!"

I was stunned, and I calmed down too, thinking she was faking it. I didn't believe it; based on what others said, I didn't believe there were still women who retained their virginity! But I still hypocritically believed her!

Nothing happened that day; we just stayed there, fell asleep, pondered, and struggled.

After that day, we were both silent for several days. I think she, like me, was thinking about the price she would have to pay for taking that step. In today's realistic society, there is absolutely no gain without sacrifice! Sometimes, even with sacrifice, there is no guarantee of reward. This is a reality we both struggle with!

She still lives in her true self, so she can't afford to lose; but I'm different. I'm already living with a fake smile, because I'm using a fake smile to mask the pressure in my heart! Since I'm already in a fake relationship, I don't care if our feelings become fake too!

After two days of silence, she called me again, and our conversation was just like before! There was no awkwardness at all! She said she missed me, and actually, I missed her too, missed her body!

After a moment of silence, she asked me to meet again in a couple of days; this surprised me! Actually, I didn't understand her heart; because it meant she was willing to give herself to me!

I thought she was gambling; maybe she would win, maybe she would lose! Because I didn't know myself! To be precise, I didn't know my own heart!

That day we were together again, just like before, we went to a hotel to rest in the afternoon! But today she said she wouldn't be going home tonight! It's not far from my workplace, and I didn't really pay attention to the meaning of her words!

I stayed in the room for a while before deciding to leave, but today a sudden thought brought a bit of rationality to my mind! I told her, "Close the door when you rest!"

After saying that, I turned to leave, and she rushed up and hugged me tightly from behind! This surprised me! Actually, she was surprised herself, because she didn't expect me to turn and leave!

"Don't go!" she said, her head pressed against my back!

"I'm not leaving! I'll go back for a bit!" I still chose to use false words to mask my inner turmoil, making myself completely hypocritical in front of her.

"Really?" she asked me in a doubtful tone.

"It's true!" This time, even I couldn't believe that what I said was a hypocritical lie tinged with emotion. This unexpected feeling completely immersed me in the castle built up from the pretense!

She let go of me, and I quickly left as if I were free; I was afraid that my unconcealable hypocrisy would be exposed!

Hypocrisy is supposed to cover up the truth, but this time I actually used the truth to cover up hypocrisy, completely reversing the order between the two! Making the truth even more hypocritical! txt ebook sharing platform Bookbag.com

Service (Twenty-Seven)
After I came out, I really went back to my unit; Zhang Jieming was very surprised when he saw me; he teased me with my classic line, "Why didn't you go to deliver sperm? What are you doing here?"

I smiled and said, "Who said you can't go for a walk and breathe some polluted air after delivering sperm?"

"That's right, that's right! And then you'll have a second chance, right? Hahaha." This guy laughed wildly.

"Come on! Every time your friends leave, you're like a deflated balloon, unlike us who're still going about our leisurely strolls! You talk like you're so experienced! I bet you're some kind of legendary 'Number One Quickshooter in South China,' nicknamed 'Second Shot,' aren't you!" I deliberately emphasized "Number One" and "Second Shot," and then laughed even harder than him!

"Damn! At least I'm better than you!" he said with a laugh.

"That's true, quickshooters do win by sheer quantity! We can't be as fast as you, so we can only focus on quality! Hahaha." I said, laughing wildly.

"Damn!" he said, then laughed and left! Only I was laughing loudly beside him.

I wandered around my workplace for a bit and then went back to her place; when I got to the door, I took a deep breath and knocked!

She opened the door and smiled when she saw me standing there; I could tell she had just finished showering.

"Come in!" she said, pulling me in slightly until I tumbled inside, followed by a "bang" as she slammed the door shut.

For some reason, that sound made me uneasy, but I maintained a masked smile to meet her alluring gaze.

Seeing how "natural" my smile was, she smiled back. She asked, "Why are you in such a hurry to go back?"

"Oh, I forgot to ask for leave!" I said with a smile. Saying that made my heart race. She walked to my side and rested her head on my shoulder.

Strangely enough, my previously pounding heart was now perfectly calm. I had to admire my own composure and acting skills!

My performance had made the pretense seem more real than reality! Because she believed it! Or more accurately, I had perfectly concealed my own sordid thoughts!

While I was still basking in the glow of my acting, a pair of hot, fragrant lips pressed against my neck! My heart, which had calmed down, suddenly surged wildly again, but this time I didn't try to control it or hide it; instead, I chose to intensify it!

She felt my heartbeat because she hugged me tightly. We had fallen onto the bed, our clothes disheveled!

We had both shed our hymens and made our first intimate contact! Last time, because of the issue of preserving our hymen, we threw ourselves into an icebox! This time, we threw ourselves into a fire, burning away that precious hymen!

At that moment, amidst her heart-wrenching screams of pain, I bore the first woman's scratches and deep finger marks on my body, the scratches even drawing blood!

I had used my hypocrisy to possess her innocence! And she thought she had traded her purity for my honesty! She didn't know that this was like a virgin meeting a virgin in this reality—the chances were slim!

We met, and she met too! Because I was devoted to her! Devoted under the guise of hypocrisy, because the present and the future were both unknowns! You could say this was a kind of irresponsible responsibility!

I don't know whether I should have enjoyed it or blamed my conscience when I possessed her purity! A woman's purity, protected for over twenty years, was destroyed by my own hypocrisy and ruthlessness!

Looking at the little bit of red blood flowing between her legs, I felt my heart must be black in comparison!

I knew those drops of blood would flow sooner or later, but it shouldn't have flowed because of my actions. Her purity was meant to be given, not given to me! But the truth is, we both gave our first time!

Perhaps we are fair, because we both gave each other our first time! But the truth is unfair; I have no mark, while she has an eternal mark!

I didn't show any remaining remorse, still using pretense to deal with her! But I dare say my feelings for her were real, just a truth beneath the pretense! I couldn't be more real to her because I've been hypocritical for a long time; I am hypocritical in its entirety! No hypocrisy can change its own hypocrisy, because hypocrisy is itself!

Tears streamed down her face from the pain! She said it was because of physical pain, but it was more because she had lost her virginity! Because loss is often synonymous with pain!

She wiped away her tears, and I soothed my inner guilt! She smiled and went into the bathroom to wash away the traces of her virginity! I smiled and went into the bathroom to wash away my conscience!

Service (Twenty-Eight)
She dried her body and lay naked in my arms, smiling tenderly! I embraced her with wicked hypocrisy, smiling triumphantly!

"I gave myself to you, don't betray me!" she said, bowing her head in my arms.

"How could I!" I answered her with a smile on my mask!

We were silent, and she enjoyed the sweetness in silence, enjoying my caresses! In silence, I hypocritically expressed my love, greedily possessing her body and her heart!

I fell into a deep sleep, embracing her pure body in my arms, dreaming triumphantly! I don't know when, but her hand once again grabbed my genitals and played with them. When I was awakened by her, my hypocrisy once again possessed her!

And my hypocrisy actually enjoyed * this time! And she truly enjoyed the pleasure that her body brought her in waves of moans!

We did it many times that day! We were both indulging our desires; without a trace of restraint, we became...! Perhaps we were all greedily enjoying the pleasure the other's body brought us!

She fell into a deep sleep after her satisfaction, lying motionless in my arms! I wasn't asleep, because my mind was clear, but I was numb and no longer felt guilty, because I had faced reality!

That night, I left the room she slept in, dressed, and tried to leave quietly; because I felt guilty, I couldn't bear to meet her eyes!

As I took a step, she woke up, because without my embrace, she felt lonely! More than anything, she felt fear! She was afraid that when she woke up, I would be gone! But the truth was, I was already preparing to leave the room!

"Where are you going?" she asked, looking at me with surprise.

"I'm going back to work!" I said, smiling at her naked body.

"Can't you stay with me?" she asked, very disappointed, because I was leaving!

"That's not good! You should rest early, and close the door!" Even I felt these words were hypocritical, but I still used sincerity to disguise the hypocrisy, squeezing these words out of my mouth! After saying that, I turned to leave the room.

As I took another step, she hugged me from behind again. I could feel her heart pounding; I could feel her full breasts pressing tightly against my back!

I pushed her hands away, turned to look at her, at her naked body, and didn't know how to face her! A wave of guilt washed over me, and I couldn't find any other excuse!

My hypocrisy had reached its dead end; all I could do was open my hypocritical arms, embrace her pure body, offer her comfort, and give her silent warmth!

I'm glad I haven't reached that point of being heartless, because my current mindset proves it all! But my relief was premature; under the gentle pull of attraction, I once again exposed myself beside her!

Evil desires, accompanied by my own hypocrisy, once again possessed her body, and she seemed obsessed with my possession, appearing so excited!

I can only say I'm not a good lover, but I am a good man, a hypocritically responsible man! Because I gave her physical satisfaction, but not emotional satisfaction! Because I didn't know myself; I only knew the mask I wore and this hypocritical shell!

Later, with my comforting words, she became sleepy, and I took the opportunity to slip out of the room; as I left, she put on her coat and saw me to the door, watching my departing figure with deep affection!

I think she was lonely, dejected, and mostly heartbroken! Because her heavy sacrifices didn't earn me a single night by her side!

I couldn't see her when I went out, but remembering her heart-wrenching screams and the few drops of blood from her lower body, my conscience jumped out to condemn my hypocrisy. Hypocrisy, in turn, mocked that conscience, for it ignored its existence! I laughed, because I had lost myself!

Walking on the road, gazing at the star-studded night sky, I didn't know what I had become. I wanted to ask the stars in the sky, am I still me? Tears streamed down my face, because even the mask felt ashamed!

(Service 29)
Back at my unit, I received a message from her: "Let's cherish each other and strive together for happiness tomorrow!"

After reading it, I laughed! I laughed at myself! I laughed at my hypocrisy! I laughed at the mask on my face! I laughed at the fact that I could feel a trace of warmth and happiness in my heart!

I fell into a deep sleep! I had a dream, in which I found myself, and I danced happily. But suddenly, in my dance, I lost myself again! I panicked, searching everywhere for myself, but I couldn't find myself, because I couldn't see myself!

I woke up with disappointment and pain, staring blankly at the sky outside the window, which was already faintly bright.

I got out of bed and went to the bathroom, desperately trying to wash away these memories. But no matter how long I washed, I remained stuck in them.

After showering, I returned to my room, looking at the approaching dawn outside the window, and deeply lamented my own hypocrisy.

I put on my coat and went downstairs, standing alone in the pre-dawn darkness, lighting a cigarette and taking a deep drag. I squatted down by the roadside, waiting for the sun to rise from the east.

The sun came out, and my comrades got up, gradually gathering downstairs. I joined them, lined up, and went for morning exercises.

After finishing the exercises, I felt exhausted. I quickly washed my face, went back to my room, picked up my phone, and hypocritically sent her a message telling her to get up and have breakfast.

It was Saturday, and I had nothing to do, so after breakfast, I asked for leave and went to see her.

The streets were crowded with people, each wearing a bright smile like me. But I didn't know if they were truly like me, if it was all just a mask!

Arriving at her room, I carefully composed myself and knocked on the door. "Who is it?" she called out loudly from inside.

"It's me!" I replied crisply.

I heard the lock click, but the door didn't open. I didn't know what this girl was up to, so I could only wait quietly.

"Come in!" she called from inside.

I looked down at the door and found it ajar. Pushing it open, I saw her lying on the bed, staring at me intently. I smiled at her and gently closed the door.

"Still sleeping?" I asked, sitting on the sofa.

"Don't want to eat!" she answered crisply.

Honestly, I was afraid of her looking at me, afraid she would see through my thoughts, see through my mask!

I lowered my head, took out a cigarette, lit it, and quietly smoked.

"How can you skip breakfast! I'll go buy you some!" I feigned concern, just to escape her amorous gaze and make myself feel better.

I stood up to go buy her breakfast! She jumped off the bed and grabbed me; I turned around and saw her...!

I quickly turned back to her and said, "Why aren't you dressed yet?" "My clothes

were wet last night, and I washed them after you left! So I didn't wear any clothes to bed!" she said shyly.

"Oh!" The scene from last night flashed through my mind. I saw myself greedily possessing her; I saw my own hypocrisy laughing wildly, because hypocrisy had triumphed over conscience; conscience was in agony!

Conscience painfully said, "Enough," but hypocrisy still clamored for more!

My heart made a face and said, "I love her!" But unexpectedly, hypocrisy jumped out and made a face too, saying, "I love desire!"

Hypocrisy told the truth, but the "heart" lied! I was blinded by this lie, tricked by hypocrisy, and became greedy! Because I forgot that "heart" and "hypocrisy" are best friends!

She tugged at my arm, pulling me out of my entanglement; I returned to the castle of hypocrisy, turning around to shamelessly gaze at her smooth body;

she threw herself into my arms, hypocritically embracing her with a smile, because I was smiling!

"I missed you so much!" she said passionately in my arms.

"I missed you too!" I said hypocritically! I didn't even feel a hint of blush when I said those words!

She offered her fragrant lips, and I greedily possessed her entirely; she lay down on the bed, and I lay down on the bed too; her clothes were stripped off, she kissed me wildly, and I hypocritically and affectionately caressed her body, her large breasts, and roughly kneaded them!

Suddenly I felt the filth and hypocrisy within myself! But I was already hypocritical, hypocritical to the point of numbness! I ruthlessly discarded that last bit of conscience, and made peace with hypocrisy! I became the master of hypocrisy, making hypocrisy even more hypocritical! Making hypocrisy even more...!

Service (30)
I pinned her down, and amidst her satisfied moans, my hypocrisy once again defiled her pure body!

I am no longer as pure as she is; compared to her, I am filthy, at least in my mind! A person who doesn't understand love is in a relationship, and possesses a pure love!

Sweet smiles radiated from our faces, perhaps this sweetness belonged only to her, not to me. Because I don't understand the sweetness of love, nor its meaning!

My smile was due to hypocrisy! She smiled because she had someone who "loved" her; she didn't know that this wasn't love, but rather liking!

At noon, we returned to normal, and after checking out of the room, I went to see her off; on the way, we walked hand in hand like other lovers, our faces beaming with happiness!

Actually, I should be lucky, having encountered true love in my naiveté! You know, in this era, buying a house is difficult, but encountering true love is even more difficult! Yet I encountered it, encountered it amidst hypocrisy! But I didn't know how to cherish it, instead finding myself in a game I shouldn't have started!

I am despicable and infuriating; but deep down I am happy because I can no longer see myself, no longer tormented by my own shadow! Freedom is my freedom; I can do whatever I want without feeling a shred of conscience!

I've always been fighting with myself, afraid of losing my conscience. But when I realized my conscience no longer existed, I was completely liberated—liberated myself and my soul!

Indifference and ruthlessness are sometimes a form of liberation! Since perfection is impossible, why not retain flaws? In evil, flaws are actually the most beautiful! Since hypocrisy is inevitable, why not be completely hypocritical?

She smiled and left, seemingly happy as she went. Watching her departing figure, I felt a pang of sadness.

I don't know if I haven't been completely numbed by hypocrisy yet, but I felt a sense of guilt.

She got on the bus and said goodbye to me through the window. But I was afraid and avoided her eyes; looking into her beautiful, large eyes made me feel guilty.

The bus completely disappeared from my sight, and I felt a sense of relief, though I didn't know where it came from.

I returned to work, resumed my preoccupied state, lay on the bed, and closed my eyes. I don't know what the outcome of this hypocrisy will be between us, but I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state.

When I was looking forward to it, I fantasized about happiness and pride, but when I finally had it, all I felt was trouble and hypocrisy!

Hypocrisy is like a mirror, reflecting everything so clearly in my heart, always standing before me, smiling, a smile that makes me uneasy and confused!

Some people say that love these days is just a transaction, a business deal; but now I don't think so. Love is entirely about giving, but now it's not me giving, it's the other person; I've been completely deceived by rumors!

I used to treat rumors as truth, swimming confidently in the river of love, but when I jumped in, I realized that rumors are just rumors; the river of love really does drown your ignorance! It doesn't let ignorance float freely! When I learned to struggle to turn around, I found that the rumors were laughing wildly on the shore, while I was already in the river, unable to change my course! Because she really does love me!

I received her text message, and for some reason, I felt a little expectant; the moment I opened the message, I smiled. I don't know if it was a fake smile or a real one, because I haven't seen a real one in a long time!

I replied simply, and my phone went silent again. My heart, which had been filled with anticipation, also quieted down.

Actually, I know it's my hypocrisy that's to blame, because I've become heartless about love! I also know I'm delaying her true love, but I can no longer treat it seriously because I'm hypocritical!

I have my own reality, which is to give my all for the future; but that doesn't mean I need true love, because I need to cherish the present! Yet I'm still heartless, wasting this true love that I need to cherish, because there may never be anyone else with such expectations!

(Chapter 31)
Losing this true love, I don't know if it will ever exist again, but I know I'm hurting the present! I'm confused because of my ignorance of true love in this realistic society; I'm hypocritical because I've become somewhat like a rogue!

Indeed, I'm a complete rogue in front of her, because I've treated the true love she's given her with hypocrisy!

It seems she sensed it too! In the days since we parted, she no longer likes to chat with me as before, as if I've unknowingly hurt her! But I wouldn't jump to conclusions before everything was certain, because sometimes reality and fantasy can bring unexpected surprises!

Perhaps I was being too hypocritical, which made me a little guilty. I was afraid that hurting her like this would be too much for her to bear, so I hypocritically started to care about her, genuinely caring!

"What are you busy with? Why haven't you called?" I carefully typed a few words and sent the text message.

From the moment the phone indicated that the message had been successfully sent, my heart began to race with anxiety! Because of my guilt, I didn't know how she would respond to my concern and greetings!

I expected her gentle reply as usual, but deep down, I was anticipating a storm; deep in my heart, I seemed to be preparing to face a tempest!

About an hour later, my phone rang. It was her reply. I opened the seemingly long-awaited message with a hint of elation.

To my surprise, she said she had a cold! Because her voice sounded different, she hadn't contacted me to avoid worrying me!

Seeing this message, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry! Should I use tears to wash away the sins of my hypocrisy! A pure and beautiful girl's true love was given to a man like me who didn't appreciate it!

I want to blame myself, but I've become hypocritical and can't even examine my own hypocrisy! I'm deeply saddened, not for myself, but for her! My comfortable life has suddenly turned me into two people, entangled and arguing with each other! I'm starting to fight with myself, not knowing who will win! But I feel like neither of them belongs to me! I don't know which one I belong to; I've lost myself again!

I started caring about her, calling her more often! Hypocrisy began to protest within me, holding up a sign of pride, protesting against the atonement of my conscience! Deep down,

I feel this is no longer a feeling, a love! It's a sin deep within my heart! I'm using this sin to deceive the love I have for her!

Every time I see her text messages, I only feel a little pain in my heart, a real pain! I don't know if this means I've fallen in love with her, or if my heart is deceiving my appearance, or my appearance is deceiving my heart, but at that time, I was truly heartbroken!

I really wanted to yell at her, a nameless anger rising within me, but I tried my best to control it because I didn't want to hurt her.

I called her again, and hearing her hoarse voice broke my heart; it truly hurt at that moment. She was trying to sound normal, but I could tell from her voice that she was really looking forward to my call. Little did she know that I was also longing to hear her voice.

I restrained my own passion, speaking slowly, and asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was afraid you'd worry!" Her answer sounded like she was secretly happy.

"Don't you know how worried I'd be if you didn't contact me?" I blurted out my true feelings. Good heavens! How could I have said that so quickly!

She chuckled on the phone and said, "You worry about me too!" There was a hint of something unfathomable in her voice.

Maybe she realized she'd been loving the wrong person all along. But she wasn't wrong; I was worried about her, and I started worrying about her now!

Maybe I really had fallen in love with her! I wasn't sure what it was about her that I loved. A beautiful exterior, yet I fear the loneliness within! But I'm certain I've fallen in love with her! Before this, I never doubted my love for her, but now I do! Because I said something I never thought I'd say!

She cried when she heard it! But I laughed! I laughed at myself, at my hypocrisy, which was truly hypocritical. I clearly loved her, yet I had to deceive her, making her feel that I didn't love her! Falling

in Love with Her (Chapter 32)
I went to great lengths to stop her crying. To be honest, I was afraid she would cry. From the moment we were together, I was afraid she would cry in front of me one day, and today I still made her cry! Because I was hypocritical, I felt guilty!

She stopped crying and said, "Is it so hard for you to say something nice on a normal day?"

I didn't know how to answer, so I just stammered a response to her question. She knew I wouldn't give her any answer!

She said she would come to see me tonight, but I refused because she was sick and I was worried! To be precise, I was worried about her!

After hearing my reasons for refusing, she smiled happily. Even though it was on the phone, I could imagine how happy she was, because I was worried about her!

After hanging up, I didn't know what was wrong with me today! I doubted myself, doubted my own hypocrisy!

Sometimes love is just so sudden. I started thinking about her, but I didn't tell her! Thinking back to myself before, I was so stingy with my love, but today my love for her was like a flood breaking through a dam!

Before going to sleep that night, I sent her a message with a few simple but hard-to-say words: "I love you! I miss you!"

She quickly replied, saying, "I love you! I miss you! I long for you!"

I don't know how she felt at that moment, but I know she must have felt very happy!

The next morning, after breakfast, I received a call from her. She said she was already at our usual spot waiting for me, and I didn't know what to do! She was sick, and I was really worried about her coming all this way! When I asked her, she said her cold was better!

Although I had my doubts about her answer, I still believed her, because I love her and therefore trust her!

Because it was the weekend, I could take the day off to see her!

When I got to the hotel, she called me, saying she was already in her room. I went straight there, and when I knocked on the door, she looked at me tenderly, a tear even glistening in the corner of her eye. Then she suddenly threw herself into my arms and began kissing me passionately! My heart was in turmoil; to be precise, I couldn't control myself.

I responded passionately until we were both lying on the bed, our clothes falling to the floor!

This time she was different, very proactive. I don't know if it was because her affectionate words touched her heart, or if we were no longer strangers!

She lay naked in my arms. The air conditioning was set low, and her body was a little cold. I stroked her smooth shoulders, her full breasts pressing against my chest. She looked at me with hazy eyes. This time, I wasn't flustered, because I was truly sincere towards her, and my gaze no longer evaded her scrutiny as before!

"I like it this way!" she said gently, nestled against my chest.

I simply smiled, gazing into her eyes; their allure captivated me, mesmerizing me completely!

It was the first time I'd dared to look her in the eye after making love! Her beauty was enough to hold my breath for a few seconds!

My pretense vanished, replaced by a sense of ease. I held her body, caressing her, and she closed her eyes, enjoying the touch.

"Do you really love me?" she suddenly asked, her eyes still closed.

"Yes! I love you!" I replied, speaking from the heart. I didn't know if she accepted my stingy words, but I saw a hint of joy in her eyes!

This was the first time, besides, I, Aomame, had ever said "I love you" to a woman! Only when those words sprouted in my heart did I truly feel the sacredness and courage required to utter them!

I don't know what true love is, but I know what the truth is! I didn't deceive her, for pretense had vanished without a trace, leaving not even a hint of farewell.

Perhaps she was too tired; she fell asleep in my arms. I carefully turned off the TV and drifted off to sleep myself.

Falling in Love with Her (Chapter 33)
I don't know when, but I felt a hand caressing my lower body. It felt both comfortable and uncomfortable. When I opened my eyes, I saw her looking at me, her eyes alluringly glancing at my lower body.

When her gaze returned to mine and she saw I was awake, she smiled and rolled over to straddle me, my lower body already inside her! ...

When she lay exhausted on top of me again, covered in sweat, panting heavily, she whispered in my ear!

Honestly, a woman's body is always incredibly alluring to a man! I was no exception. I boldly stared at her body, completely mesmerized, because she was so beautiful!

Seeing her, I forgot my tangled thoughts, my worries vanished; she was like a drug, corroding my soul!

I seemed to be addicted to her! Love is an absolute drug! It's impossible for me to extricate myself!

It got dark quickly. She said she had to go back, so we got up to shower in the bathroom. After getting dressed, I saw her off. At the bus stop, she took my arm, but I was a little uncomfortable and instinctively pulled away. A hint of displeasure flashed in her eyes! I cleverly took her hand, which dispelled that displeasure from her eyes!

When the bus arrived, she quietly kissed my cheek, which made me feel a little flattered. When I came to my senses, she was already standing on the bus, playfully smiling and waving at me! After

she left, I returned to my workplace feeling depressed, as if I were under a spell. As I walked into the courtyard, I ran into Zhang Mingjie. He saw me and walked over with a smile. I knew as soon as I saw him that he was coming to say something nice!

"Going to see someone off again?" Zhang Mingjie said with a smile.

"Can't you say something polite?" I said, looking at him.

"Hey! We're not civilized people, so let's not ruin the word 'civilized'!" Zhang Mingjie said with a laugh.

"Hehe! Really!"

"Haven't eaten yet? Let's go eat together!" Zhang Mingjie gave me a push.

We went to eat dinner together.

"What do you think of her?" Zhang Mingjie suddenly asked me.

"Who?"

"Who else!" he said with a smile.

"Heh!" I didn't answer his question, just lowered my head and ate.

"She said you don't seem to love her!" Hearing Zhang Mingjie's words, my heart skipped a beat.

I didn't know how much she had told Zhang Mingjie, but in my heart, it seemed that Zhang Mingjie knew everything about me and her.

"Really! She said it?" I looked up and asked.

"Yes! Just don't hurt her!" Zhang Mingjie said to me seriously after laughing.

"Heh!" At this moment, I felt a little disgusted with her; I didn't know if it was because she exposed my hypocrisy to others, or because she told too many friends. I quickly finished dinner and went back to work with Zhang Mingjie.

It was already dark, and looking at the starry sky, I felt a lot of disappointment! I didn't know why she couldn't tell me her doubts, but instead dragged my friends into the matter between me and her! I even considered ending this relationship!

Falling in love with her (Chapter 34)
It wasn't that I didn't love her deeply enough, and that I was giving up too easily! It's just that my principle has always been this: I don't want too many people to know too much! Deep down, I was more concerned about her distrust of me.

Perhaps I'm talking about myself; I've never truly been sincere with her before, so her reaction is understandable, but not understandable to me!

I didn't send her a single text message. While I was showering, a female comrade called to say I was on the phone. I said I'd hang up! My answer was firm.

After showering, I saw a text message on my phone. I opened it and saw it was from her, simply asking if I was resting. My answer was simple: not yet.

A while later, she replied, asking why I hadn't answered the phone! I laughed. Why? There were too many whys. I quickly wrote her a message and sent it, but she didn't reply for a long time.

My reply was simple: I just told her she could ask someone she trusted. I admit I was a bit domineering, but it wasn't my fault, that's what I thought.

She still replied, sending several messages at once. One message read, "I didn't mean to. I did this because I care about you. I just wanted to know how you treated me! I'm sorry! I knew before that you didn't truly love me. Every time I saw your eyes, you would avoid them, saying things you didn't mean. I was so scared, so scared that you would leave me if I kept going! So I foolishly took your lies as the truth, hoping time would make you fall in love with me, truly love me! I know today you've fallen in love with me and told me the truth. I'm so happy, but I didn't know this would be the situation afterward!"

After reading that, I didn't know what to feel. I just felt like I was the only one who had been deceived!

I replied, asking her why she did this. Couldn't we even have the most basic conversations?

After replying, I even laughed at myself. I laughed at myself. Since I was deceiving her from the beginning, when she asked me those questions, was I ever honest with her?

She replied, "I'm sorry! It was my fault."

After reading it, I turned off my phone and went to sleep. Lying in bed, my heart was restless, gazing at the stars.

In the days that followed, we contacted each other less—not her, but me. I didn't know if I was running away, running away from her loving acceptance. Yet, I missed her, caught in a contradiction.

This feeling was painful; love and separation were both weighing on my heart. How could I not ache? Every day, my mind hated her, yet my heart longed for her.

She called constantly, like a madwoman, but my phone only showed missed calls.

This continued for a while. Finally, I answered her call. Hearing her voice made me inexplicably happy, yet also inexplicably conflicted.

Perhaps it was fate playing a trick on me. At that time, my workplace was restructuring, and I was in the eye of the storm, forced to make a choice.

I agreed to her request to meet over the phone. After not seeing her for many days, I could see she had become somewhat haggard. Seeing this pained me deeply.

When we met, I said we'd meet outside, but she only called me after we got to the hotel. I went to the hotel, and she had already booked a room and was waiting for me.

When I entered the room, she was sitting on the edge of the bed. Seeing me, she stared intently at me. I went over and sat on the sofa, looking at her haggard face, and my heart ached terribly! (From "Falling

in Love with Her" - Chapter 35)
"Didn't we agree to meet outside?" I said, looking at her.

"Let's meet at the usual place!" she said, still looking at me.

I didn't know what to say next and fell into silence. She got up and came over, sat on my lap, and hugged me, crying.

She cried and apologized! I tried to speak, but her lips were already on mine.

I tried to pull away from her kiss, but I didn't have the strength, because I loved her!

Holding her shoulders, my previous resolve vanished in an instant, and I forgot everything else. We kissed passionately, all words entangled between our tongues.

She took off her clothes, and I was forced onto the bed to be at her mercy. I don't know why I felt so reluctant; how could the ice in my heart melt so easily upon seeing her!

She stripped me naked, and when I regained my senses, she was already on top of me. This time, she was crying as she made love to me, and my heart was weeping too.

I timidly told her we should break up. She stopped when she heard this, and her tears flowed even faster! After a brief pause, her movements became even more frantic, as if venting her inner pain!

She lay on top of me, sobbing, and I pretended to be indifferent, but my heart ached just as much as hers; clearly in love, yet saying goodbye felt like a knife cutting into my heart!

She asked me why? I said I didn't love her! She asked for the reason, and I said I didn't trust her!

She cried even harder, and I couldn't comfort her. Lying beside her, watching her heartbroken state, my heart was bleeding!

Silently, I said sorry in my heart, and aloud, I said, "Don't contact me again."

My heart shattered with her tears, and became numb! I got up, dressed, and said to her, "Take care! Don't contact me again!"

Tears streamed down my face as I turned away, but I didn't let her see. I just reached for the door, and she jumped out of bed and hugged me.

A tear fell onto her hand, and her hand touched my face, feeling my tear.

"You're lying!" she cried behind me.

"I'm not lying, let's break up!" I pushed her onto the bed and ran out the door!

Walking down the street, I wiped away my tears, clutching my chest as I ran frantically, because of the heartache! I had given up my love, choosing the so-called future! ...

Love is a heart; the pain of having no heart is an indescribable agony.

Looking back at myself, I felt so pathetic, so pathetic that I couldn't control anything! I fell in love with her, yet I had to give her up! I can only say that I was being played by my own fate!

For the happiness destined in my destiny, I gave up my present happiness! I tried to comfort myself with these excuses!

Sometimes happiness needs to be sought, not waited for; because happiness has learned to hide, hidden among countless pains, its origins unseen. Only by searching will you discover that happiness is actually right beside you!

Sometimes, looking at myself, I'm like a rubber band! One end is fixed at a point, while the other blindly expands, stretching myself very, very long, until I'm exhausted. When I finally relax and look back, I find myself covered in wounds!

Back at work, I collapsed onto my bed, tears streaming down my face along with heartache! For a moment, I didn't know if this was right or wrong; only the wounds were so obvious, so easily noticeable!

My phone kept ringing, and I kept turning it off. Looking at the familiar number, thinking of familiar people, my heart ached even more!

Love is like a glass of strong liquor, intoxicating me until I lost my way; when I finally found my way, my heart ached so much!
Author's note: If you like it, please collect, vote, and give feedback!

Falling in Love with Her (Chapter 36)
I slowly fell asleep, and for some reason, this sleep was so deep! In my dream, I saw my father, and I dreamt of scenes from my old home! I also dreamt that I was crying, crying very sadly, shedding many tears!

"Old Feng! Old Feng!" My comrade's voice pulled me back to reality.

When I opened my eyes, tears blurred my vision. I raised my hand to wipe them, but my hand landed on the pillow, revealing it was soaked.

I hurriedly lowered my head and whispered, "What's wrong?"

"Dinner's ready!" my comrade whispered.

"Oh! Thanks!" I said, flipping the pillow over and throwing it on the bedside table. I ran to the bathroom, washed my face, and then ran downstairs!

I lined up and went to the canteen with my comrades. When I got there, I realized I had no appetite. I ate a few bites and then fled the canteen. Alone,

I went to the roadside, sat on the steps, and looked at the vast football field. My heart felt so empty, yet so heavy!

I took a deep breath and looked at the evening sky, only to find the sunset so beautiful! So beautiful that I forgot to withdraw my greedy gaze!

Thinking of her, my heart aches again! I wonder what she's like now! Is she sighing at the sky like me?

I remember the first time we met! I remember the way she looked when I first saw her! I remember the first time we went shopping together! I remember the first time we held hands! I remember the sweetness of the first time I hugged her!

There are so many firsts! But now all of these firsts are about to be forgotten! Why does such a difficult choice exist, causing such pain in my heart?

I hope that afterwards she will never remember that I ever existed in her life! Because I hurt her!

It was all so beautiful, as beautiful as this sunset, unforgettable! I close my eyes, and tears flow naturally, her voice echoing in my ears! I feel like going crazy! Why is there such a conflict between love and career?

I just want to say "I'm sorry!" Between love and my future, I can only choose my future! Because I'm a penniless poor person, my future is more important than myself! I know that love without material support won't last. For now, I'm just blinded by love, and when you finally come to your senses, you'll choose to leave! Leave me, the one you love! It's better to suffer now than then, because it's easier to forget now! Pure love only exists in fairy tales!

I'm sorry, my love! I can only choose to hurt you like this! You've misjudged me! I'm sorry! I've given you so much! I want to remember your kindness forever! I don't want to wait until the future to remember the hurt you caused! (Bookbao.com - Read books at Bookbao.com -

Falling in Love with Her (Chapter 37))
For the sake of choice, I'd rather remember that I'm sorry to you, because that way I can keep my love for you hidden in my heart forever!

The sun had completely hidden behind the mountains. Slowly, I opened my eyes, tears blurring my vision! I took out my phone and saw twenty missed calls. Opening them, I saw they were all her numbers!

In an instant, her smile, her voice, all appeared in my mind! I really don't know what I'm doing! I just feel dizzy and want to lie down for a while!

I wiped away my tears and ran upstairs. My phone was still on silent. I lay down on the bed, closed my eyes, and lay there quietly. My mind was completely blank.

I fiddled with my phone, and soon another text message came in. I knew it was from her without even looking. At this moment, she was the only person who could still remember me.

I opened her message. She wrote, "Why is all this happening? Don't you love me at all?"

Seeing her message, I felt a pang of regret. My heart sank, and I replied without thinking, "I'm sorry! You've got the wrong person. I'm not a good man. We don't love each other anymore!"

I said these insincere words to her, tears welling up in my eyes. If I hadn't looked at her message, maybe I wouldn't have replied, letting her be disappointed by my indifference. But replying only proved that I cared about her.

My phone rang again with her text message. She said, "You're lying! If you don't love me, why are you crying? Why are you replying to my messages?!"

I typed, "Don't overthink it. I was just worried you'd keep waiting. I wanted to sleep peacefully, undisturbed! Don't make wild guesses! Don't reply! I need to rest!"

I closed my phone and shut my eyes, but I still couldn't sleep. Her image filled my mind, a jumbled mess of thoughts, and I didn't know how to calm down.

The phone screen lit up again. I didn't look at it. Then another call came in. I hung up and immediately turned off my phone. It was quiet now, but I still couldn't sleep.

I don't know if my insomnia was because of my guilty conscience, but I definitely had a sleepless night. I lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. The cigarette glowed and dimmed in the darkness, looking incredibly lonely. Thinking about my past hypocrisy towards her, I felt terrible. When we were together, my love for her was so little, so stingy! Now, after falling in love with her, I'm facing this dilemma!

I don't know if falling in love with her was the right thing to do, but I know that I'm hurting her heart and myself, because I have so much from her!

I don't know when I drifted off to sleep, and everything was temporarily put on hold; I slept very, very soundly that night!

I don't know what kind of person I am now! Am I selfish or ignorant? I only know that I am mostly helpless! Everything requires my effort and dedication to last, and I have no other choice! Because even if I choose love, I will still lose her later; she will take the initiative to leave me, and I don't want to get hurt again, so I chose to hurt her!

If you ask me why, I can only say that I am the son of a farmer, I have no money, and I have no status in this city. The only thing I can do is to earn a living through my own efforts and ensure my existence! That's my reason!

Walking down a path where I can't see the sunlight is my biggest mistake! Because this is reality, I can't escape it, escaping means disappearing here!

Falling in love with her (Thirty-eight)
The next day, I woke up feeling very tired. I picked up my phone and turned it on, and suddenly a lot of text messages came in, all from her. The last text message was sent at around 5 a.m.!

I scrolled through the text messages one by one. She wrote, "Why did you turn off your phone? Am I really that hateful to you?!"

"What did I do wrong that you want to break up with me? Can you tell me a reason?"

"I've never loved a man before, and I never thought I would love anyone, until I met you! Why are you doing this to me?"

"Is this your love? Why are you toying with me?"

"You're a bastard!"...

I opened the last message. Before opening it, I didn't know she would say such things, curse like this! But I wanted to read it. She was right to curse, and I deserved to curse. Fate was playing tricks on me, and I was powerless to stop it. I even thought she might do worse!

To be honest, I regret it now. I don't regret breaking up with her, but I regret why I even started it in the first place. Was it really just my loneliness? Or was it my heart that couldn't be contained?

I opened the last text message and read it carefully: "I've cried all my tears for you! I can't forgive your irresponsible actions. It was my own fault for falling in love with you, but I couldn't control my heart, so I lost, I lost completely. Right now, in your silence, I even thought about dying, but I feel it's not worth it for someone like you. I want to live happily, to forget you completely. When I meet you again, I want you to see that I'll be happier without you! Okay, I agree to break up. I won't bother you anymore, and you don't need to turn off your phone anymore. Everything about me is no longer your concern. You can finally put your conscience at ease! I hate you!"

After reading her message, my heart ached! Perhaps she was in the same pain right now! I didn't want to reply to her messages anymore, nor did I want to explain anything! I hurt her, that's a fact! Since I made that choice, I should bear all of this, as long as she's happy!

I used to live in a fantasy world, but when I finally found reality, I realized that reality requires too many tears! I miss that illusory world, where there were no tears, only smiles!

In the days that followed, I never received another text from her. A quiet, uneventful time passed, a quiet tinged with loneliness.

I began to miss her, often recalling her smile, and the memory brought a pang of pain. I wondered if she was alright, if she was still grieving. I picked up my phone and looked through her texts, staring at that familiar number.

I didn't delete her messages; I saved them and often look at them when I have free time, reminding myself of the woman I had hurt, a reminder not to forget my mistake, not to forget my love.

I really wanted to apologize to her face! Like in the movies, to make her slap herself hard! But I didn't have that chance! Because I don't know if she has a man who loves her now! More than anything, I don't want her to remember the pain I caused her! (Bookbag.com eBook Sharing Website)

Falling in Love with Her (Chapter 39)
My love, I wish you happiness! I'm sorry I left you. I don't have the conditions to give you happiness now, so I can only give up your heart! You must be happy. Only when I see you happy will I feel at ease, and only then will I be happy for you! I can't be too selfish. Falling in love with you was my selfishness, and leaving you

is also my selfishness! I love you because of my heart, and I leave you because I am powerless! It's also so that you can find your happiness! I'm sorry, my love, I owe you! I didn't explain the reason because I didn't want to selfishly ask you to wait, because I've already been very selfish! I dare not hope for your forgiveness in the future; I just hope that one day you can understand me! ...

The veterans have retired, and the personnel changes have come to an end. The result has little to do with me; I'm still here! The usual liveliness suddenly turned quiet, leaving me feeling utterly alone!

I lived each day like a lost soul, locking myself in my room to sleep during my rest time, sleeping soundly, oblivious to the time, the date, or even the day of the week; my only rhythm was eating and sleeping! I rarely spoke, feeling that every waking minute was a torment!

Gradually, a few comrades started noticing me, knocking on my door at mealtimes to call me to come eat! After meals, they would take me for a walk in the yard!

Because of the long hours spent sleeping in my room, my biological clock was severely disrupted; every minute I was awake was spent in a state of drowsiness! Now, my life was like that of a walking corpse, with sleep being the only escape!

Sleep was like an invisible castle, allowing me to escape everything in my mind, and I was happy to spend every painful moment in this invisible castle!

My comrades cared about me, coming to wake me up every day and walking with me in the yard! Walking on the road, I still felt like I was in a dream, completely unaware!

I lived like this for over a month; they say time heals all wounds, and that's absolutely true. After more than a month, I was no longer so sad or heartbroken! Everything slowly got back on track, and everything seemed to have returned to normal!

But deep down, my self-blame never stopped! I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed whenever I thought about everything with her!

I was atoning for my sins; my initial unease and loneliness had brought me so much heartbreak and trouble! I should really reflect on myself! Because I hurt myself and she hurt her heart!

During my days off, I started to enjoy going online, and slowly became addicted to the virtual world of the internet. Here, I didn't need to blame myself, I didn't need to face anything, there was only falsehood; false names, false people, false things, everything had an expiration date, and once I left the internet, I didn't have to bear any responsibility!

Falling in love with her (40)
The virtual world is beautiful and harmonious. Everyone is a friend, and we can talk about anything. We don't discuss work, we only discuss our privacy. We're not afraid of anyone knowing who we are, and no one cares who we are! We comfort each other and encourage each other!

Half a year passed in this hazy, uncertain way. One day, a girl named "Tianya Haijiao" added me on QQ and accepted my friend request. From a cold "Hello!" at the beginning, we chatted endlessly, as if we had so much to say. At first, I was a little wary, but I gradually realized she only talked about relationship problems, never mentioning anything else.

I had studied psychology in school, and from her words, I sensed she might be heartbroken, as if we shared a similar experience. Slowly, I let down my guard and confided my innermost secrets to her, offering her comfort.

And so, we became good friends in the virtual world of the internet, each time I was online, waiting for her to appear.

A few days I was busy and didn't go online. When I finished, I logged onto QQ immediately. When I logged on, her avatar was flashing, and when I opened it, it was full of messages.

"Are you there?"

"Why didn't I see you yesterday?"

"What are you doing?"

"??? What are you busy with? What are you doing? I haven't seen you for days!"

"Are you there? Can you talk to me for a bit?"

"Are you there? Leave me a message after you see this!"

After reading these messages, I smiled to myself. Maybe she was even more engrossed in the virtual world than I was!

I know I'm addicted because I'm escaping reality, something I have to face all the time. But what is she addicted to? Is it just talking to me?

A fleeting thought crossed my mind, and I started typing a message for her.

"Oh! I haven't been online these past few days because of things to do; I advise you not to get addicted to the internet, there's too much falsehood in it; I'm just escaping reality by immersing myself in the entanglements of fantasy, I don't come online every day!"

After typing a string of words, I lit a cigarette, exhaled smoke rings, and looked at the quiet screen, feeling a strange sense of loss.

I don't know where this loss comes from? Is it just because I didn't see her?

I felt truly addicted to myself, placing all my thoughts on this person online. I didn't even know if the other person was male or female in real life! But I vaguely sensed that I had fallen into this illusory black hole, somewhat unable to extricate myself!

Time passed second by second, and I quietly watched the flickering screen, silently praying that the other person's avatar would start flashing!

Perhaps sometimes, hearts really can communicate! Just as I was about to close QQ in my disappointment, the other person's avatar actually started flashing!

I was as happy as a child receiving a reward from an adult, a little too happy, a little excessive! (From a novel on a website,

"Loving Her" - Chapter 41)
"Have you really been busy these past few days?" These words appeared in the dialog box that popped up after clicking on the other person's avatar.

"Yes!" I hesitated for a moment before finally typing out two simple words.

"Oh! I've been waiting for you!" the other person replied.

"Really!" I answered her provocation with a bit of smugness!

"Let's video chat!" the other person replied and started a video chat.

I don't know why I started to hesitate, unsure whether to turn on the video. I only went online to escape, to escape the torment of reality, nothing more.

Just as I hesitated, my hand, against my will, turned on the video. The other person's face appeared before me instantly;

she looked beautiful, about my age. Seeing her, I didn't blame my disobedient hand at all; that pitiful hesitation vanished!

Perhaps I was just hesitating because it was an illusion; I was too focused on her, on her appearance and everything about her!

When I saw a beautiful girl in the distance, I had already dismissed that pitiful resistance! I had already taken the illusion for reality!

Ignoring the fact that life online is an adventure, I had unconsciously joined the cat-and-mouse game! I don't know if this kind of life is tragic or joyful!

She smiled on the screen, and I smiled too! I don't know why she smiled, but I know why I smiled—I smiled because I had caught the mouse!

I felt that all of this about me was somewhat out of place with my profession; one could say I was a very unqualified soldier. But I didn't think about that now, and continued to talk to her about my insights into life, like an old man who had weathered many storms, discussing life with such brilliance and wisdom!

I'm a sentimental person, and without realizing it, I had accumulated so many insights into life! But I didn't know if the other person felt the same way!

But in the end, we had a very pleasant and compatible conversation! For a moment, it felt like I had poured out all the bitterness in my heart, and I even felt a touch of sweetness!

I don't know why I felt sweet, or why I felt happy; but it was all like an actor, the glory only lasts for a moment, and after the curtain falls, everything is still the same, like the second hand of a clock, running the fastest, still repeating the circular motion, unable to escape that constraint!

I can't control my heart, can't grasp my emotions; I can only endure the pain, savoring the taste of loss! Because I am human, not a god!

Time is said to be a good medicine, but this medicine cannot heal my wounds! The longer it settles, the more painful it becomes when it flares up!

Leaving the internet feels like losing my soul! I'm hopelessly addicted, not to the internet itself, but to her online persona!

I don't know how long this addiction will last; maybe I'll just treat her as a temporary painkiller!

Back at my place, I light a cigarette to drown my loneliness!

I don't know what I am. A lover? I'm utterly inadequate, helplessly abandoning her, leaving myself with heartache! A soldier? I'm utterly inadequate, completely unsuitable for the profession!

Who am I? How long will this torment last? When will it end? All is unknown, but sometimes it hurts so much…so much! In the days after

falling in love with her (forty-two)
, I rarely ventured into the online world. Perhaps she was waiting in the virtual world, perhaps she already had someone else!

I wanted to escape the pain in reality, but I failed miserably, constantly exhausting myself, exhausting myself to the point of tears!

My strength seems unable to withstand the torment of my shadow, ending every effort in failure! Finally, I stepped into that forbidden territory of the internet cafe, that forbidden territory I had once placed there myself! Only after stepping in did I realize that my resilience was so fleeting, sometimes just a precious few seconds, not lasting! As soon as

I logged on, her avatar flashed, and a flood of messages appeared!

"Are you there?"

"Why aren't you here?"

"Aren't you going to come back?"

"You're finally here!"

But it was only when I saw this message that I knew she was online! I felt like a gold prospector seeing glittering gold, so excited, so intoxicated by my fantasy!

"Yes!" I quickly typed two words.

"Why haven't I seen you much?" she quickly replied.

"Less?"

"Of course!"

"Hehe!"

"What's your name?" Her question flew out like a time bomb.

"Feng Yuze!" Stunned, I quickly answered the secret I had been trying to keep.

"That's nice! My name is Yingzi!"

"You're not bad either!" I wanted to laugh, because my carefully prepared draft had become useless.

"Oh! Hehe," Yingzi replied.

"I have to go!"

"Phone?" Yingzi asked for my number.

"13********!" I filled in my number truthfully.

"134*******!" Yingzi's phone number was followed by a smiley face, as if she was laughing and saying, "Kid, you can't escape my grasp."

Then, on my way back, I received a message from her, which surprised me, but I still replied politely.

Strangely enough, I started texting her on the way back; even more unexpectedly, loneliness didn't contact me again today! The absence of that torment made me

feel much lighter. Back at work, lying on my bed, I frantically texted on my phone; even offline, we continued our conversation, bringing the virtual reality into the real world, and this reversal truly gave me a wonderful feeling!

Time flew by, and before I knew it, the sun had set! Honestly, chatting with her really made me forget those past shadows; some say forgetting the past is dangerous!

I've also reminisced, and found that I haven't forgotten, but rather buried it deep within, concealing the past in some corner of

my heart, where it can't see the sunlight, only burning hot in the darkness, so hot that I dare not touch it, dare not recall it! Perhaps it was because I needed a substitute role for Yingzi! A brief chat brought the distance between us from zero degrees to one hundred degrees Celsius; I don't know if it was appropriate, if it should be, but my greed turned everything into a necessity!

When darkness falls, and I face loneliness alone, it is Yingzi who accompanies me to pass the terrible night, all of this has become like a "rule" added to my not-so-rich daily life!

I don't deny that it was Yingzi who pulled me back from the edge of pain to the circle of numbness! Because I was indeed numb, numb to an excessive degree, without feeling, without heartache!

When Yingzi asked me to meet, I don't know what my mentality was, but I refused her suggestion, refused very decisively! Bookbao.com Want to read books? Come to Bookbao.com

Fall in love with her (43)
My friends said I was afraid, I said no; I admit in my heart that I was indeed just putting on a brave face! My friends were absolutely right; my persistence was indeed a sign of my inferiority complex! It wasn't my physical attributes that were insecure, but rather my own insecurity!

I struggled to maintain my ridiculously low standards, which annoyed Yingzi; I acted indifferent, not really thinking much about it. In my mind, Yingzi was like a computer—an understanding and considerate one!

My persistence didn't last long. When Yingzi suggested meeting again, I hesitated, but after much deliberation, I agreed.

The moment I agreed, Yingzi seemed overjoyed, constantly texting me, expressing her feelings!

The next afternoon, Yingzi and I arranged to meet at the same place—the very place where I first met the girl in my heart!

Of course, Yingzi knew nothing of this; I don't know why I immediately suggested that place, perhaps it was my inner voice telling me to go there!

Arriving at the meeting place, everything was the same as before, yet it felt like things had changed!

Indeed, the girl today was not the girl she used to be! She was once a piece of my heart, a constant reminder of her, a memory etched in my mind, tinged with pain.

I don't know what will happen when I see her today, but I'm so nervous, so nervous I don't know what to do!

I picked up my phone and dialed her number…

Yingzi walked over with two bottles of cola; she smiled sweetly at me and handed me one. To be honest, I don't really like that drink, and I told Yingzi I didn't like it, but she smiled and said, "I'll hold it for you, you can have it when you want!"

I just smiled, and then didn't know what to do. I just looked at her, and felt a little like running away. It wasn't because of Yingzi, but because I didn't know if I should accept myself as I was today!

I'm a contradictory person, and this problem is as complicated as the hair on my body! The "what's done is done" mentality prevailed, so I followed Yingzi around, abandoning my thoughts of running away!

"Let's go, let's go for a walk on the pedestrian street!" Yingzi suggested excitedly.

Hearing this suggestion, I knew this task wouldn't be completed in a short time, but I still gritted my teeth and went to the pedestrian street with her.

There were many people on the pedestrian street, all in groups, including Yingzi and me; Yingzi walked ahead, very happy. I didn't know why she was happy, maybe it was because of me, but that was just my own perception.

After walking for a long time, Yingzi said she was tired and wanted to sit down and rest. We sat on a small stool by the street to rest our feet. When we sat down, I deliberately kept a little distance from her, not because Yingzi was unattractive, on the contrary, she was too beautiful and lively!

Once again, we were walking down the street. As we passed the central square, there was a performance taking place. While pushing through the crowd, Yingzi grabbed my hand.

Her hand felt like it was electrified; I instinctively pulled back, but it was too late.

Yingzi pulled me through the crowd, and we finally escaped their encirclement, standing to the side, breathing heavily. (

Falling in Love with Her (Forty-Four))
Yingzi looked at me and smiled. I didn't know what she was laughing at, but I smiled back, laughing happily…

As we walked slowly, Yingzi took my arm, smiling as we walked down the street. To others, we looked like a couple, but I couldn't explain to the crowd. I was just like a piece of wood, being pulled around by Yingzi through the dense crowd, like a boat on a sea of people, drifting in the wind!

As we walked, we got a little hungry, and I suggested we go to a dumpling restaurant for dinner. Yingzi looked at me and nodded in agreement!

I only realized why Yingzi was looking at me after I explained. She's from the South and doesn't really like noodles, while I'm from the North and grew up eating noodles. Now that I'm in the South, I rarely eat noodles, so I consider them the best food. Naturally, I suggested we go eat dumplings!

I was only considering things from my own perspective and hadn't taken Yingzi's preferences into account.

Yingzi glanced at me because she doesn't like noodles, but seeing I'm from the North, she went along with my preference. She didn't want to put me in a difficult position and wanted to accommodate my taste, not wanting her own habits to spoil my enjoyment!

We arrived at the dumpling restaurant, ordered, and waited a short while for everything to arrive. Yingzi looked at the dumplings and dishes on the table, then slowly picked up her chopsticks and began to taste them. To me, this was simply divine, better than any other meal!

Yingzi ate a little and said she was full; I knew she wasn't, it was just that the taste wasn't to her. I looked at her but didn't say anything more, awkwardly lowering my head to finish my meal.

I was being a bit selfish by ignoring Yingzi sitting across from me; but you see, I had no other choice but to eat the food on the table to satisfy my own appetite!

Yingzi laughed at how I ate, asking if I hadn't eaten in a long time! I smiled and said I hadn't had such delicious food in ages!

I ended up finishing almost all the dumplings and vegetables we ordered; I couldn't believe my appetite! Yingzi handed me a tissue, which I took, wiping my mouth with a satisfied smile.

As we walked out of the restaurant, we saw some street food. Remembering Yingzi wasn't full, I asked her what she wanted to eat.

Yingzi, worried I might misunderstand, said she was full and didn't want anything more. I said I wasn't full and really wanted to eat something. Yingzi said she wanted lamb skewers, so I ran over and bought a lot, along with some stinky tofu. Yingzi took the stinky tofu and happily asked how I knew she liked it; I just smiled and didn't answer!

Actually, I bought it on my own initiative because I hate the smell of stinky tofu. I've seen many girls lining up to buy it, so I bought some too.

Yingzi ate the stinky tofu with relish, glancing at me every now and then like a child. After she finished what I bought, she patted her little belly and laughed, saying, "My belly is full!"

I laughed when I saw her like that. She came over and asked what I was laughing at, then took my arm and we started shopping!

Falling in Love with Her (45)
To be honest, sometimes a beautiful woman's actions are indeed funny in a funny way. Walking on the street, I was still savoring the funny scene from earlier.

"Is it that funny?" Yingzi patted my arm and said.

I looked back at Yingzi, who looked like she wanted to knock my head open, and immediately stopped smiling.

To be honest, being pulled around like that by her was not very comfortable, so I made an excuse to temporarily free myself from her grasp and went to a bench in front of a shop to rest.

I pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and took a deep drag. As I exhaled the smoke ring, a sweet scene from the past flashed through my mind.

In my mind's eye, she was holding my hand, picking out clothes in this shop. Every glance she gave me was so captivating. I saw the look in her eyes back then—a look of adoration, an adoration that reached my very soul.

The cigarette burned quietly in my hand, my lips parted but didn't fully open, because I knew it was just a memory, a perfect memory! A pang of sadness began to rise in my heart!

Every sweet moment we shared floated into my mind, each memory allowing me to quietly forget everything around me, as if it were happening right now. But then

a child interrupted me, abruptly bringing me back to the harsh reality. Looking down at the cute child, my childlike heart still lingered, and I chatted with them for a moment. But for some reason, I couldn't find joy this time; instead, my heart felt heavy.

So much time has passed. I wonder where she is? Is she alright? I silently murmured to myself.

Everything about her is like a nerve in my body; when it's touched, the pain spreads throughout my entire being. Every memory is clearer and more painful than the last!

Where are you? I'm searching, searching for my mistakes, searching for my right actions; searching for the heart I've lost! Perhaps I'm selfish; if I see you again, I'll be even more selfish, selfishly holding you tighter, not letting you leave me again! I was wrong, terribly wrong! I only want to make amends, to bring you back into my life, to prevent you from suffering any more harm! I silently told her this in my heart.

"What are you doing?" Yingzi suddenly slapped me.

"Ah!" I screamed in pain, and the girls next to me laughed.

"What's wrong? Does it hurt that much?" Yingzi asked curiously.

"Big sister, I burned my hand with a cigarette butt!" I grimaced as I looked at her.

"Oh! Really! Hehe, can't you feel your own hand?" Yingzi said unreasonably.

"I...!" I was about to retort, but seeing her bored look as she looked like she was looking for something to do, I wisely withdrew my words.

"Hey! What mischievous idea are you thinking of? You're all smiles and frowns." Yingzi patted my arm and asked.

"Oh, really? Nothing! Why do you ask so many questions?" I said impatiently; actually, I couldn't find the right answer and was just making excuses.

"You stingy little thing!" Yingzi glared at me and blurted out a sentence.

“小气？那我问你，什么动物只会说'为什么'？”我笑着说。

“什么动物？”英子想了一会不解的问。

“猪！”我看都没有看她就告诉了她答案。

“为什么？”英子莫名其妙的问。

“因为猪才会老问为什么呀！”我慢慢的保持了一段安全距离之后说。

“为什么？”英子还是不解的问。

“笨呀！你看还在问呀！”我终于忍不住笑了出来。

“你……站住！”英子总算是反应过来了，拿起包包就追着我跑。

不知道这丫头吃了什么疯药了，一下子这么能跑；追我从步行街的一头跑到另一头还是不肯放过我！

爱上她（四十六）
“哎！你不累呀？”我看她放慢了脚步，就转过头问她。

“让本姑娘揍你一顿就行，这会我全身充满了力量！”她喘着粗气说。

“有你这么追的吗！你不肚子痛吗？”我笑着说。

"Ouch!" Her face immediately contorted in pain, and she clutched her stomach, crouching on the ground.

"No way, it really hurts! Who told you to eat so much and then chase after me like that!" I shook my head helplessly, walking away as I spoke.

"Ouch!" As I reached her, she grabbed me with one hand and swung her bag with the other, the bag hitting my neck, making me scream again.

"Hehe! That's more satisfying! Ouch!" Yingzi laughed after hitting me, then immediately turned into a pained expression, clutching her stomach and screaming again.

"Hey, are you really in pain or just pretending?" I asked, helping her up in confusion.

"It really hurts! You knew running so fast right after eating would hurt your stomach, so why did you even run?" She turned back and glared at me fiercely.

"I... if I didn't run, would you hit me?" I stammered for a moment before finally finding the answer.

"Couldn't you have just endured a beating? Who told you to insult me!" Yingzi said matter-of-factly.

"I...!" I was speechless.

"What do you mean, 'I'? Pfft! What kind of person are you!" Yingzi said righteously.

"You...!" I was truly speechless. I had no choice but to swallow my pride!

I walked ahead alone, with Yingzi slowly following behind. After a few steps, I took out a cigarette and lit it. After taking a puff, I stared blankly at the burning cigarette in my hand!

Looking at the cigarette in my hand, I wondered when I had become so fond of smoking. I remembered that I didn't smoke much before, and even somewhat avoided the taste of cigarettes. Gradually, I only remembered that it was after she left that I learned to always carry cigarettes and a lighter in my pocket, and I also learned to have a cigarette in my mouth all the time, one after another, until I finished a pack or couldn't taste anything anymore!

"How can you be so heartless?" Yingzi complained from behind.

Yingzi's complaint snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned around, smiled at her, and didn't say anything.

Although I couldn't see my own smile, I felt that it wasn't very good, not very natural! Because when I smiled, my face always felt wooden, every nerve was taut like a kite string.

"What's wrong?" Yingzi asked with concern after seeing my smiling face.

"Nothing!" I replied coldly.

"Then why is your smile so sinister?" Yingzi looked at me and said.

"Oh! Is that so! But don't worry, I'm definitely not thinking of selling you, it's not worth it!" I wanted to joke with Yingzi.

"Am I that worthless?" Yingzi's face darkened, and she replied casually.

"It's not that you're worthless, it's just that you're so cunning, I'd probably sell me before I even sold you! I'd have to use the money from selling me to feed you! Do you think it's worth it for me to sell you?" I said in one breath.

"Haha!" Yingzi laughed so hard her eyebrows curved.

"Is your stomach feeling better?" I suddenly remembered to ask Yingzi.

"It's fine!" Yingzi said nonchalantly.

I looked at Yingzi's smile and smiled back, then stopped to wait for Yingzi; Yingzi caught up and grabbed my arm, laughing uncontrollably.

"What are you laughing at?" I asked curiously.

"Nothing, just wanted to laugh!" Yingzi replied with a smile.

I shook my head thoughtfully and walked away; to be honest, I really didn't know what Yingzi was laughing at, my only behavior was to pretend.
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Falling in love with her (47)
The sky slowly darkened, and it was time to go back; to be honest, being dragged around by Yingzi like this for several laps was really tiring.

Walking on the street, I would occasionally look back at Yingzi beside me, and every time I saw her, I saw her laughing. I couldn't understand if this girl's head had been exposed to the sun today, she was always laughing, and her laughter even gave me a bit of a creepy feeling.

My heart was filled with the desire to go back, and I silently waited for Yingzi to suggest going home; but after waiting for a long time, and seeing that it was getting dark, Yingzi still didn't say a word, and when I looked back, she was still laughing.

"I said, what are you always laughing at?" I couldn't help but ask curiously.

"I want to laugh!" Yingzi answered in a daze.

"Okay, forget I asked!" I was really speechless.

I shook my head, letting my feet wander aimlessly along the road. The surrounding lights came on, and after much deliberation, I decided to suggest we go back.

"Yingzi, it's getting dark!" I said cryptically.

"Oh! It's dark then," Yingzi said, looking at me.

"Shouldn't we go back?" I asked.

"Okay, fine!" Yingzi looked at my face, a clear hint of displeasure on her lips.

Having gotten Yingzi's agreement, my pace quickened considerably; this time, I was dragging Yingzi along the street.

"Which way are you going?" I stopped at the bus stop and asked Yingzi.

"Home, to Hexi!" Yingzi said unhappily.

I knew why she was unhappy; she was unhappy because I had spoiled her mood, rushing back so early. Actually, I had no choice; my leave was almost up, and I was genuinely tired.

"Why did the bus come so quickly!" Yingzi complained behind me.

"Every fifteen minutes!" I didn't know whether to be happy or have other thoughts upon hearing Yingzi's complaint; I could only give that silly answer.

Once on the bus, I sat in the back seat, and Yingzi sat next to me. She naturally linked her arm with mine; I didn't sense anything amiss at all, and simply took out my phone's earphones to listen to music.

Today, Yingzi holding my hand and linking her arm with mine was just a natural thing for her, and I only saw it as a habit, not giving it any thought.

"I want to listen too!" Yingzi rolled her eyes at me and said.

"Oh! Here you go!" I took off one earphone and handed it to her.

After putting on her headphones, Yingzi leaned her head on my shoulder. I was startled and turned to look at her. She had already closed her eyes, a smug smile on her lips!

I couldn't bear to interrupt her smile, because it was so beautiful, so beautiful that I forgot to look away!

I didn't know why she was smiling. Maybe it was because of my shoulder, or maybe she was recalling a memory, just like I was recalling a past memory today!

She brought me so many smiles today. I don't know why, but walking with her always makes me feel happy! I haven't felt this way in a long time, and she unexpectedly brought it to me today. I'm really grateful to her! (Bookbao.com - Read books at Bookbao.com -

Fall in Love with Her (Chapter 48))
I don't know if I'll ever have this opportunity to enjoy the happiness she brings again. At this moment, I really want to savor it a little longer, so I'm thinking of driving slowly!

So I closed my eyes, letting all these beautiful memories linger in my mind and heart, slowly savoring them; gradually, we both fell asleep…

A jolt of the bus woke Yingzi and me. Looking at the bus stop in the distance, Yingzi turned back and looked at me with deep affection; I knew the hidden meaning in her gaze, but in my heart, it was as if there was a wall, shutting out her tenderness!

Seeing my emotionless face, Yingzi seemed a little disappointed and lowered her head, slowly taking off her earphones and placing them in my hand, then turning her head to look out the window.

“We’ve arrived at the stop, you need to get off!” I whispered in Yingzi’s ear.

“Oh! I know!” Hearing my words, Yingzi was slightly startled at first, then tightly gripped my hand and tugged at it, before coldly saying when I didn’t react.

I didn’t know what to say to her at this moment of parting, I just looked at her, quietly watching her slowly get up.

To be honest, I didn’t want the pleasant time I spent with her today to end so soon; in my heart, I even hoped it could continue like this! Because with her, I never felt lonely or isolated; all I felt was sweetness and joy!

Too many people were getting off the bus, and Yingzi had only stood up, not yet moved a step. When I looked up at her, I still saw that tender, affectionate gaze!

The moment our eyes met, I quickly lowered my head, then looked up again. When I looked up once more, I gave her a genuine smile.

She saw my smile and returned it with a sweet one. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but quickly closed her slightly parted lips, leaving behind that captivating smile.

"Go home early, see you next time!" I don't know when I found the courage to say those words to her.

"Hehe! Really! Okay!" She seemed to have been waiting for those farewell words; when she heard me, her smile became even more beautiful.

Seeing her smile, I knew she had received the words she was waiting for. I felt no regret, not even a sliver of relief! Because I wanted to see her charming smile!

Yingzi stepped off the bus, leaving behind a smiling silhouette. As the bus started moving again, she stood on the platform and waved to me!

I leaned against the window and waved back. With the driver's sudden acceleration, a large distance grew between us, so large that I could no longer see her!

Leaning back against the bumpy bus seat, I closed my eyes slightly, quietly recalling all the scenes with Yingzi today, feeling a sweet warmth in my heart.

Finally back at work and off duty, I sat on my bed, still reminiscing about all the wonderful moments of the day! Unable

to suppress my loneliness, I got up and left my room, going alone to a grove of trees, gazing quietly at the twinkling stars.

A ship's horn woke me. I remembered that Yingzi should be home by now, perhaps waiting in front of her computer for someone who wouldn't be online tonight, or perhaps happily chatting with her family!

Thinking of my family, I realized I hadn't been home to see my mother for a year, and I missed her terribly; I wondered how she was doing at home, whether she was healthy…!
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Falling in Love with Her (Chapter 49)
A text message ringtone woke me up once again; I hurriedly took out my phone and saw that it was a message from Yingzi.

"I'm online at home, why didn't I see you online; what are you busy with? I'm very happy today, I feel very safe with you! I don't know when we'll meet again? But I really hope that next time you will take my hand and walk with me on the street, and I can even be cute with you! Will you accept me?"

After reading her message, my mind went blank! I even doubted whether I should have seen her today; I don't dislike her, on the contrary, I am very happy when I am with her, and I like her very much! I miss her a little when I can't see her, but deep in my heart there is still another her, I really can't accept Yingzi anymore, because it's not fair to her!

But where is that other her now, does she still have feelings for me like I do! But I can't give up Yingzi now, now her every word and smile is deeply imprinted in my mind and can't be forgotten!

Have I secretly fallen in love with Yingzi? A "no!" immediately popped into my head. I told myself it couldn't be; how could I fall in love with her after only meeting her for the first time?

Sometimes self-deception is really laughable. Her smile is always in my mind, yet I still desperately deny my feelings! Could this feeling I have for Yingzi be the legendary love at first sight?

Some loves are like feeling an autumn breeze; before it arrives, there's longing, a yearning for its arrival to bring coolness; but when the autumn wind blows, you feel a chill, followed by a shiver! When the autumn wind passes, all that's left is a chill that penetrates to the heart!

Slowly, I admitted to myself that I had indeed fallen for Yingzi, because everything about her was irresistible; but I didn't reply to her texts. I wanted an explanation, a quiet answer for the one in my heart!

Forgetting—I can't do it! I can only transform that love into a longing, entrusting it to the twinkling stars in tonight's sky, letting the stars accompany her outside her window, letting the stars bring her the warmth I never gave her!

Where are you? It's not that I've been fickle, but that I can't find my former home. I got lost while searching for you, and while struggling on the edge of pain, a girl named Yingzi appeared and led me out of this maze! I don't deny that I've fallen in love with her, and I don't want to lose her like I lost you! I've already suffered enough from making one mistake, and I don't want to suffer any more. Forgive me for falling in love with someone else! I can only entrust my love for you to the stars, let the stars accompany you by your window, and I believe you will see that star and feel my longing for you these past few days! I'm sorry, my past love!

My heart has finally calmed down, and everything that was confusing before me is gradually becoming clear! I'm a little hesitant about Yingzi's feelings!

I'm worried because of the past. I'm afraid of encountering the same story again, and if that happens, I don't know if I can still hold on. I have no confidence in myself!

Falling in love with her (50)
The phone rang again. This time it wasn't a text message, but a call from Yingzi; I think it's because she saw that I hadn't replied to her message and called!

I answered the phone, and Yingzi's warm voice rang out.

"What are you doing?" Yingzi asked with concern; at this moment, she was no longer as willful and spoiled as she was during the day, but instead showed a gentleness that instantly calmed my anxious heart!

"I'm at work. What are you busy with?" I asked her politely.

"I was online. I called because you weren't online!" Yingzi said gently.

"Oh, is that so?" I said.

"I told my mom about seeing you!" Yingzi told me mysteriously.

"Ah! What did you say?" I asked, surprised.

"I just said I met a friend today!" Yingzi said with a smile.

"Is that what you said?" I asked suspiciously.

"Yes, what else do you want me to say?" Yingzi asked with a smile.

"Oh, it's nothing. Why did you tell your family?" I complained a little about Yingzi's behavior.

"What else do you want me to say! My mom asked me what I did today and why I came back so late, so I had to tell the truth!" Yingzi said, seemingly with a good reason.

"Oh! Is that so?" I said casually.

"Did you receive my text message?" Yingzi suddenly asked.

"Yes!" I answered hesitantly.

"Then why didn't you answer me?" Yingzi asked seriously.

"I... I don't know how to answer you!" I stammered.

"Don't you like me?" Yingzi's tone began to sound a little aggrieved.

"I...!" I didn't know how to answer. Today's events were all too sudden for me, so sudden that I wasn't prepared at all; I didn't know if my feelings for Yingzi were love or just simple liking.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Yingzi asked.

"Yingzi! Do you... do you understand me?" I asked Yingzi.

"What do you mean?" Yingzi pressed.

"Nothing! You don't even know what kind of person I am, yet you say you love me. Aren't you afraid I'll deceive you?" I said with a smile.

"I'm not afraid! Because you don't seem like that kind of person!" Yingzi said confidently.

To be honest, I don't even know what kind of person I am, let alone her; she's only known me for a short time!

"Yingzi! How about this, if you still have this feeling after a few days, we'll start!" After a pause, a sentence suddenly popped into my head.

"Okay!" Yingzi replied lightly, and I could already hear her displeasure. Falling in

Love with Her (Fifty-One)
I've heard of love at first sight, but I've only seen it on TV; I've never witnessed it in real life, so I'm skeptical.

Some people categorize such love as fast-food relationships, implying a quick and decisive affair. I don't want such a fast-food romance in my life; perhaps that's the basis for my indifference!

Yingzi hung up the phone, and the busy tone came through the receiver, but I remained in the same position, standing downstairs like a statue.

The ringtone of my cell phone roused me again; the text message was from Yingzi.

"I don't know why you're hesitating like this! My feelings for you and my love for you are real! Before I met you, I didn't believe in love at first sight, but now I do! I want to follow my heart and hold onto my love! You can stay calm, but I can't!"

"People say that women who pursue men aren't valued by them, but I think that's unlikely for you! I believe we'll have a wonderful beginning! I'm looking forward to that day! Get some rest!"

Seeing Yingzi's two text messages, I'm no longer sleepy at all, but my mind is a mess, so messy I can't make sense of it!

I don't know if it's right to pour cold water on a woman who likes me like this! What's even more troubling is not knowing how to face Yingzi, whether there will be a future between us! My mind is a complete mess! I

don't know why Yingzi has made me so confused! I don't deny that I like her from the bottom of my heart, but matters of the heart aren't so easily decided! I think I should just let things take their course!

After setting a bottom line for myself, I feel much more relaxed! To be honest, I don't know if this counts as a bottom line, but for now, this is all I can do!

I rushed back to my dorm, washed up, and lay on my bed. I took out my phone and quietly scrolled through the text messages Yingzi had sent me.

I don't know why, but after reading them repeatedly, I felt a warm glow inside, a sense of happiness. Perhaps it was because I understood her heart.

At that moment, I felt a sense of peace, happily closed my phone, and peacefully fell asleep.

I was happy because I felt the warmth and sweetness of a subtle love. Being loved by a woman is something to be happy about! My heart was also waiting for the moment when this beautiful scene in my heart could come true. I really don't know why I felt such a big contrast.

In the following days, Yingzi and I contacted each other more frequently; the word "busy" could describe the frequency of our contact.

We met again at my workplace apartment. Before we met, I received a text message from Yingzi. She wrote, "Will I get a kiss from you when I see you again?"

"Of course!" I thought she was joking because it was so direct. In our contact over the past few days, we no longer felt any awkwardness and had gotten used to joking around, saying sweet nothings and romantic things, so I answered her without thinking.

"You said it yourself!" Yingzi replied.

From her reply, it seemed she wasn't joking! But it was too late; I had already sent a text message.

"Come pick me up at the door!" Yingzi replied, as if she had planned it all along.

"Don't be ridiculous! You flew here?" I said, not quite believing her.

The phone rang, and seeing it was Yingzi, I quickly answered;

"Hurry up and come out, I'm dying of heat at the door!" Yingzi shouted.

"Oh!" I replied blankly; because from the car sounds on the phone, I could tell Yingzi was indeed already at the office entrance!

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