Memoirs

Memoirs of the Past
Author: plover

Memoirs of the Past (1) When I was young, I wore a thin blue shirt.

Memoirs of the Past (1): When I was young, I wore a thin blue shirt. In
my youth, I was curious and longing about sex. I was fond of peeping at girls' private parts, imagining all sorts of things, and enjoying the pleasure of seeing but not being able to have them . Below are some "deeds" as some memories and repentance of my youth!
The earliest object of my peeping was my neighbor's older sister. She was in high school at the time, and I liked to go to her house when I had nothing to do. When summer came, she would lie on the tatami to watch TV as soon as she got home. Often, her white underwear would be exposed from her school skirt, which made me, who was in my adolescence, feel bloodshot from the white light shining from her skirt. (I was a good boy and didn't have much money to buy porn, so peeping at girls' underwear became my fantasy and outlet for my lust). But no matter how I looked, she was always wearing white schoolgirl underwear...
There was a young woman upstairs who liked to visit my house. She was around thirty years old, quite pretty, and had a good figure, though a bit thin and bony. Her child was in first grade. One time, she came to my house again, sitting in the living room chatting with my mother while I did my homework. I accidentally dropped my eraser, which bounced a few times before landing under the sofa. I crouched down to look for it and was shocked to find the opening of her denim skirt facing me. Carefully avoiding my mother's and her gaze, I shifted my view, pretending to look for something, and finally caught a glimpse under her skirt… the white thong between her thighs seemed unable to conceal the full bulge of her breasts. Those erotic bulges! Unfortunately, the slit in her skirt closed up again immediately. I couldn't stay under the table forever, so I pretended to have a toothache, went to my room to get a mirror, sat on the sofa pretending to look at my teeth, and adjusted the angle to capture the glimpse of the young woman's skirt peeking out from under her dress... When she got up to leave, I thought I saw the openwork part of her panties...
In junior high, I was always playful, lecherous, and cowardly. Because I went to a private junior high school, the junior and senior high sections were combined. After morning assembly, I always liked to hide at the foot of the stairs and peek at the glimpses of the older girls' skirts as they went upstairs... Most high school girls still liked to wear schoolgirl-style white underwear, I think partly as a sign of purity, and partly because they were afraid of being seen by us lecherous guys, afraid that wearing something too sexy would make us get nosebleeds... :p... I also played the trick of hiding mirrors on shoes. I remember an art teacher who had just graduated from art school and came to teach us. She was very beautiful and always wore dresses... Little did she know that what she considered the most dignified attire was our favorite target. The reflection in the mirror revealed a glimpse of her rounded buttocks, encased in pink panties. Unfortunately, we could only access her from behind, so we couldn't see the front of her colorful panties.
There was another female history teacher, a recent graduate from a teachers' college, who was also quite attractive. Perhaps lacking experience, she would often bend over when students asked her questions, unknowingly revealing her flesh-colored, lace bra… making our history class particularly lively and engaging. In the summer, she liked to wear sleeveless dresses, revealing her beautiful arms. Her armpit hair was very dark and thick, and during class, I often fantasized about whether her pubic hair was as dark and shiny as her armpit hair—what a wicked boy I was! However, when she raised her hand to write on the blackboard, the exposed armpit hair certainly gave me a great sensory stimulation as a young boy. Our English teacher was a beautiful woman, soon to be married. We always loved to wait for her in the hallway, then steal glimpses of her long skirt through the reflection in the mirror, and then write "white," "pink," "or blue," etc., on the blackboard in her classroom.
One summer, I was taking a nap at home when that young woman came again. It turned out she had asked my mother to buy some vegetables and was coming to pick them up. That day, she was wearing a bright red skirt, knee-length. I thought to myself, "There's probably nothing to see," and went back to sleep. When I woke up, I went to the kitchen to open the refrigerator for a drink of water and found that my mother had left. The young woman was squatting on the floor arranging her vegetables. I went closer and was shocked to find that she had lifted her skirt to make it easier for her to squat down.
Driven by some wicked motive, I approached her and struck up a casual conversation, my eyes secretly scanning for any glimpse of her underwear as she inadvertently opened and closed her legs… My efforts paid off; she was probably so engrossed in her work that she forgot the elegance of her squatting posture. During a three-minute break, I meticulously examined the color, style, and material of her panties… Today she was wearing pink, low-rise panties without lace trim—a neutral style, not at all flashy. The material seemed to be cotton, and I even saw the front seam of her panties. I imagined that beneath that seam lay her secret forest and valley! Unfortunately, I didn't see any pubic hair peeking out from under her underwear... As my heart raced and my little brother began to stir, she suddenly looked up, probably noticing my impure gaze. She then pulled her legs together, revealing her skirt. I smiled slightly at her and excused myself to go to the bathroom... Of course, this time I spent a particularly long time in the bathroom... :p
Time flies. I've passed my somewhat wicked yet not so wicked middle school years and got into a high school with a low college entrance rate, but close to home. I still live at home, occasionally sneaking peeks at erotic novels and smoking a little cigarette. Life goes on monotonously like this. I'm a bit short and have a face full of acne. While my classmates are busy chasing girls and skipping class, I, who have no luck with women, can only attend classes on time and be a good boy. Occasionally, I hide under the covers and masturbate, fantasizing about peeling off that little piece of fabric under a woman's skirt to explore the secrets of that dark forest... Life repeats itself monotonously like this... The older sister next door is already in college and pays more attention to her appearance, so I rarely see her exposed anymore. The young woman upstairs rarely comes, but occasionally I still manage to set traps and catch a glimpse under her skirt. I record the time, place, color, and style in my diary.
Other times, I only saw a young girl intently drawing in the park once. Because she was sitting on the ground, her skirt accidentally revealed a glimpse of her underwear. I went closer to look… it was white girl's underwear, but with some patterns on it. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be cute cartoon characters! Ah, it looked like a little girl's thong! I really wished I were that little fairy on the underwear, licking her girlish fragrance… Another time, while buying shoes, I glanced down at the thong of a woman sitting opposite me who was also trying on shoes. She was around twenty-five or twenty-six years old, wearing a light green dress. I saw her legs part as she tried on shoes, revealing a light green hue (I think it was probably because the light shone through the green dress onto her white underwear!), and thin panties; I say thin because I could glimpse her dark pubic hair seemingly visible through them… In those brief five seconds, I saw her private parts that she rarely showed to others!!
As I was leaving after buying the shoes, I saw another girl in a tight skirt standing or sitting while trying on shoes. My gaze met hers at the opening of her skirt, revealing a flesh-colored, see-through pantyhose!! But because she was also wearing pantyhose, and the lighting inside the skirt was dim, I could only catch a fleeting glimpse. I discovered that shoe stores are really good places for voyeurism. If I don't get into university, I can become a shoe store assistant, hehe... :p
Aside from these amazing experiences, life was basically monotonous and boring... As Barbuse said: unjour, toutcequiesttristefinira (One day, sad things will come to an end).
This situation continued until my beautiful cousin got into university, moved into my house, and then graduated and started working...
A long period of six years brought flowers to my life; during this period of struggle between reason, morality, and desire, in addition to satisfying my voyeuristic pleasure and indulging in fantasies about my cousin's youthful body, I also explored the subtle inner world and desires of women for the first time, and experienced the taste of the sea of sex and the mountain of passion... But that's another story...
###Note###1. This is my first time writing a sex story (or rather, a creative work). I've written in the first person about my personal growth, the growth experiences of others I've heard, and the curiosity and joy I felt when I first encountered people. The content might be a bit "perverted." I hope readers will give me a response as a reference for a sequel...
2. Typing is really tiring, a hundred times more tiring than thinking of a story. I wish I could be this serious when writing a thesis. Thinking about it makes me feel a little guilty...

Memoirs

(2): Familiar Swallows Return

**********************************************************dasindkeinefleckennurwunden。 ach！ undnurwunden。
---heinrichheine That's not a stain, just a scar. Ah! It really is a scar.
**********************************************************
One day I came home from school and saw a beautiful young girl smiling at me as soon as I entered the door. Her face was vaguely similar... It turned out to be my cousin, Ru.
When we were little, I always loved to cling to her. She was two years older than me and had the air of an older sister. Because she was an only child and I was an only child, and we lived close by, we often played together. Like playing house together, she would play the bride and I would play the groom. That's how my carefree and happy childhood passed. She couldn't be called a beauty, but her features were very pretty, and her figure was good (when she grew up). Most importantly, she was the kind of gentle and graceful girl. Being with her was very comfortable, like a gentle breeze. She never seemed to know what anger was, probably because her family wasn't well-off, so she always had a kind of tolerance and understanding towards others. When I was little, I liked to play pranks and make her angry, but the most she would do was hide and cry. After the storm passed, we'd play together again :) As a child, I often told her that I wanted to marry her when I grew up, and she would just smile… and reply, "Then you'd better grow up quickly and stop bullying me!!" I would often take the opportunity to fall into her arms, tickle her, and make her beg for mercy. At that time, I think my pure love for her was more out of respect than romantic love. And she felt a sibling-like affection for me.
When I entered junior high school, our family moved north, and news of my cousin became sporadic. I only knew that she had excellent grades and got into the provincial girls' high school (while I barely managed to get into a bad high school). The unfamiliarity, curiosity, and adaptation to the new environment... My memories of her from my hometown gradually faded, and the joking vows we made, like childhood fairy tales,
became distant and unfamiliar.
Now, she looks much the same as she did as a child, only her hair is longer and she's thinner, making her delicate features even more slender. She's wearing an apricot-yellow dress, revealing her shapely legs below the knees. She smiles gently at me. Ah! That smile, which once haunted my dreams in the dead of night when I first went north, making me weep silently, unable to sleep. And now, seeing her again, is it true? Or not?
I could only awkwardly and clumsily engage in conversation with her. It turns out she got accepted into T University this year and was going north to study. Her aunt, a conservative country woman, was worried about her living alone and had her stay at my house.
Wow! What a blessing… I chatted with her casually. Clearly, the price of her hard work was wearing glasses, but it also added a touch of refinement and elegance to her face. As I rambled on about Taipei, she maintained her usual gentle smile… She spoke little, but loved to laugh… just like when she was a child!
Later, I pretended to be attentive (actually, I was also excited) and helped her tidy her room, adopting the demeanor of a virtuous stay-at-home husband. As she turned to pack her luggage, I carefully observed her back… Her figure remained the same, only more beautiful, taller, and her proportionate figure was perfectly accentuated by her well-fitting dress. She had blossomed into a stunning university student, while I was still a hapless, acne-ridden, and hopelessly aimless high school student. Compared to her, I couldn't help but feel ashamed.
I helped her tidy her room and chatted about what had happened since we last met. She had worked very hard these past few years, consistently ranking at the top of her class. I was busy slacking off... Now she's a student at a national university, about to embark on a vibrant and exciting new life, while I feel like a maggot still wallowing in the mud, and I can't help feeling a bit depressed. We chatted and tidied up. After I finished setting up the mattress, I turned around and saw my cousin standing on the table, tiptoeing to stuff unused luggage into the attic space. A pair of beautiful legs swayed in front of me, challenging my self-control. My previous depression suddenly vanished because of this beautiful sight... Because she was on tiptoe, her skirt was slightly lifted, and when she pushed forward, the back of the skirt rose up a bit, revealing her thighs above the knees... I stared at her beautiful legs and couldn't resist any longer...
What was under her skirt??
A wicked thought crept into my mind, and I swallowed hard, finding my mouth incredibly dry. My cousin was still busy tidying up the clothes; she probably wouldn't notice what I was doing!
So I pretended to bend down and tidy up the clutter under the table, slowly shifting my gaze to under her skirt… My cousin was like a sheep grazing mindlessly, unaware that a hungry wolf was already watching her intently… I moved my gaze closer… A youthful body gradually unfolded before me…
I saw a rounded bottom, encased in small white panties. Because she was also wearing pantyhose, the panties were tucked inside, with some wrinkles around her buttocks, not quite fitting snugly. Based on my years of experience as a voyeur, the material of her panties should be a nylon blend, because cotton panties appear thicker and fit better against the skin. Since her stockings were completely transparent above the waist, I could clearly see the color and material of her panties…
But my good fortune didn't last long; my cousin came downstairs after putting her things away. But she had no idea what I had just done. Seeing my slightly flushed face (and racing heart), she asked, "Wow, so much stuff! You must be tired. Let's clean up tomorrow!" I gave her a slightly guilty smile, thinking to myself: I'll find out tonight if my observation was right or wrong.
After watching TV that evening, I, who was usually the first to shower, unusually delayed. Urged by my mother, I impatiently replied,
"I want to watch TV! Let my cousin shower first!"
My cousin smiled at me and went to the back. I didn't shower until she finished. While everyone was watching TV in the living room, I went to the back balcony and found a set of women's underwear where I usually hung my underwear—wet!!
It was swaying in the breeze, like a blooming night-blooming cereus… I carefully took it down and secretly took it to the bathroom…
This was the first time I had seen a girl's intimate item so closely. A pure white, lace-trimmed Japanese-made bra, size 32A, and white nylon-blend panties—a typical student style, without exaggerated lace or frills, and no special design in the front. But it meant something different to me; it was my cousin's intimate garment, enveloping her alluring breasts and valleys… I brought it to my nose and inhaled, as if I could faintly smell my cousin's unique, youthful fragrance. Stimulated by the scent mixed with soap, my little brother stood erect. I wrapped him in my cousin's panties, rubbing back and forth, fantasizing about the youthful flesh beneath... A wave of dizziness rushed to my head, and my juices flowed freely... In the bathroom, only thick steam filled the air, accompanied by my heavy breathing... I splashed some water to wash away the stains on her panties... My body felt a sense of liberation after release, weak and languid... But inside, I was filled with emptiness and self-reproach...
After my cousin came, I became more obedient, going home on time. My parents thought this was a good "peaceful evolution," and I even asked her questions about my books. When I answered her question, I just stared at her blankly, smiling foolishly, imagining everything under her clothes… the style and color of her underwear… her youthful body… Before long, going to the balcony every night to examine her intimate apparel became my daily routine. Besides the Three Principles of the People and Chinese history and geography, my mind was also filled with my cousin's various kinds of underwear—white, flesh-colored, pink… Every day I fantasized about her, listening to her soft whispers and silvery laughter… Then, masturbating in front of her underwear while showering became my daily anticipation and hope… My days took on a rosy hue…My cousin is a bit of a country girl, so her clothing is rather conservative. Even her underwear reflects this; she mainly wears white and nude-colored underwear. They're all the typical girlish type—low-waisted, conservative briefs without lace. She has one pink pair with an embroidered rose, probably her most "flashy" one; another has small red and green floral prints… Her bras are all back-opening. She has one white strapless Wacoal bra with very elaborate lace, but I rarely see her wearing it…

Ever since I first saw my cousin's skirt, I've had no chance to catch a glimpse of her. I can only look at her freshly washed underwear and think of her. I long for the day when I can see my cousin wearing these familiar underwear and displaying them to me...
I waited and waited, and one day, the opportunity finally came...

(3): Unaware of getting lost for the flowers to bloom

********************************************************** I was awakened from sleep by the sound of rain, unaware of getting lost for the flowers to bloom ************************************************************** Tonight is a typical summer night in Taipei, hot and humid. Even the occasional evening breeze is hot. Although we have air conditioning at home, it is still no match for the power of the summer night. With the help of the basin climate, it rumbles and makes me feel a little weak. The family went to the rooftop to cool off. Although it is difficult to see the stars in the Taipei sky due to severe light pollution, tonight is unusual. Even the Milky Way is faintly visible. It felt like we were back in our childhood, on summer nights spent cooling off under the winter jasmine tree. The whole family would brew tea on the rooftop, chatting away. Mom and Dad would reminisce about our childhood, and I'd laugh heartily at the funny stories, while my cousin would smile shyly. Mom jokingly asked, "Ru, you can have a boyfriend now that you're in college. Xiao Xiong is still in high school, and I won't allow him to date randomly!" "Just be careful with your friends," Mom said with a smile. "Your mom entrusted you to me, and I think you're grown up now, you should think about yourself properly. Unlike Xiao Xiong, who's so impulsive and always seems like a child." I tickled Mom, and my cousin blushed and smiled slightly, "College studies are so busy!" "I don't want to have a boyfriend so early..." Hearing this made me feel a little strange... Actually, Xiao Xiong has grown up in some ways!
My cousin was wearing a blue denim skirt and a beige shirt today. In my experience, denim skirts are one of the easiest skirts to make a fashion faux pas. So I deliberately chose a seat opposite her, got the angle just right, and waited for the fish to bite and the lamb to enter. My cousin always sat with her legs crossed, a very uncomfortable posture that required her to switch legs frequently. Several times, during the intervals between her leg shifts, I seemed to catch a glimpse of something, but I was never sure. Finally, her legs got tired, and she sat on a low stool, straightening her legs... She probably didn't know that a seemingly loyal werewolf was waiting for this opportunity, hoping to capture a rare glimpse of what lay beneath her skirt...
"Shooting star!!" A white light streaked across the sky, and in the moment when my cousin was distracted looking up and forgot to close her legs, I caught it!! ...A familiar pink light shone from under her skirt—it was that pink embroidered pantyhose!! ...A pink, slightly transparent fabric covered her thick, seemingly bursting, mysterious area... As if to let me see more clearly, she shifted her body slightly, so the entire opening of her skirt faced me, allowing me an unobstructed view of the boundless spring scenery beneath... I even saw the embroidered rose... Ah... "Rose, rose, I love you"... I wantonly captured this spring scenery, trying to remember this enviable and heart-pounding combination... My little brother was also writhing restlessly. We
stayed up too late admiring the moon, and when we went downstairs, everyone was busy showering and going to bed. In front of the bathroom, my mother said to my cousin, "You've been here so long, you should wash your own clothes. Since there's a washing machine, don't be shy, just put them in the laundry basket." My cousin nodded shyly. I hid in my room, thrilled by this unexpected blessing. After my cousin finished showering, it was my turn. I waited quietly until everyone was in bed, then secretly went to the balcony to check the laundry basket. I searched for a long time but couldn't find it. Later, I noticed something wrapped inside her shirt. I opened it, and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest… It was her panties… crumpled up and wrapped inside. I rushed to the bathroom to check… It was the same panties I'd just seen, only now they'd been removed from that beautiful body. It was them, covering my cousin's most alluring and mysterious area, that magnificent place!!… I brought the panties to my nose and took a deep breath. A strong, youthful scent rushed into my head… Wow!!…
This is what my cousin smells like down there! The strong scent of female hormones tingled my penis, and it was already erect… I examined this most mysterious intimate garment. It was completely different from the washed underwear I'd peeked at before… It had just been removed from that body, full of feminine scent, primal hormones that attracted the opposite sex. There were some yellowish-white residues on the panties. I couldn't resist lightly licking them with the tip of my tongue. They tasted a little sweet and sour. I thought, this must be the smell of my cousin's genitals!? I also found a pubic hair, jet black and elastic, slightly curly… It was my cousin's pubic hair!! …I excitedly sniffed and licked the piece of underwear covering her private area, finally using it to rub my penis until I ejaculated twice, once on her rose, and the other time on her bra, the right cup… Afterwards, I took a shower, secretly put my underwear back in its place, and dragged my tired body back to my room to sleep.
Ru's room light was still on; she was probably still studying. Unaware that her unintentional exposure had stirred a young man's restless sexual desires; unaware that her cousin had just mentally raped her twice in the bathroom; even less aware that her underwear, to be washed the next day, might still harbor a particularly vigorous sperm, waiting for the most intimate contact with her uterus; she only knew she had to submit a report tomorrow… She didn't know that in the next room, she had entered a young man's dream, playing the game of lovemaking with him…
So I began to familiarize myself not only with the color and style of her underwear, but also with her body odor, even her menstrual cycle. I collected and examined her pubic hair like a hunter collecting fur… I knew her inner self better than I knew myself… I felt myself becoming more and more… My state of mind had changed... Every day, I would simply look forward to the evening... secretly fantasizing while looking at her, imagining her youthful body beneath her clothes... guessing the contents, color, and shape of her underwear through the creases when she squatted down... and then checking the results at night. I was already addicted to this game; the last vestiges of morality and etiquette in my heart were disappearing bit by bit with each time my brother ejaculated. In my mind, she was no longer my cousin, but a woman exuding youthful charm, a sexual partner with whom I made love every day... spiritually. As my cousin grew older, her clothing and appearance gradually became more fashionable, and she dressed more and more beautifully, transforming from a country girl into a city girl. From my "underwear analysis," I was the first to notice this change. She gradually started wearing high-waisted briefs, some with lace, some with patterns, and the colors leaned towards green and small floral prints… I was always thrilled by a new pair of panties… Then one summer night, nearing autumn, I noticed she was wearing a pinkish-nude pair of briefs with lace trim and a V-shaped cutout in the front… a truly sexy pair. The next day, she came home from school, and as I'd hoped, she was wearing that denim skirt, probably with pantyhose to avoid any wardrobe malfunctions. But as soon as she got home, she took off her pantyhose and went to the living room to watch "Happy 100 Points" in slippers. Only I knew that under that skirt was her body, covered by a pair of panties that made me blush… Without the pantyhose to obstruct her view… my lustful desires were stirring again. I sat diagonally opposite her and noticed that the opening of her skirt faced the TV directly, making it difficult to see from the side, so she brazenly spread her legs. How could I let such an opportunity slip by?! So I started brewing Kung Fu tea, and while pretending to pour her tea, I boldly peered under her skirt...
It was indeed that sexy panty. A familiar pink light made me dizzy, but this time, there were blurry black parts peeking through the lace... pubic hair!!... Her voluptuous lower body filled the panty's interior, the entire thong seemed to have a life of its own, constantly sending me sexual signals... The television's teasing made her laugh like a silver bell, her face slightly flushed, her smile enchanting! Her beautiful eyes were alluring! How I wanted to pounce on her, tear her shirt, rip off her bra, and pull off her panties... to send my scepter into her womb, to thrust in and out a hundred or two hundred times, pouring my holy water into her mysterious valley!! I wanted to nibble and play with her breasts, I wanted to kiss her entire body, I wanted to rub my pubic hair against hers, sparking a flame of life… I wanted to make my dream a reality ("I want to fuck her!!") ("I want to fuck her!!") But that was impossible… I didn't have the courage, and I couldn't completely abandon reason and morality. Just as lust was burning my whole body red, about to consume me… a strange yet familiar voice suddenly rang in my heart, blaming me word by word. My body was in a fiery purgatory on one side, and in a freezing icy cellar on the other…
("She's your sister!!") ("If you love her, you shouldn't do anything that might hurt her!!") ("You've already possessed her spiritually, but not physically!!") In this moment of inner turmoil, I ran to take a cold shower!!
**************************************************************With delusion and attachment arises my illness; because all sentient beings are ill, I am ill. --Vimalakirti Sutra ********************************************************** Under the lotus showerhead, I told myself that I am merely a harmless wolf, finding satisfaction in the spying and fantasies about my prey… But I am absolutely harmless. If I cross that line and do something to harm others, then I will become a true wolf, hated and killed by everyone!! No, I don't want to become like that. I still prefer to be a voyeur who doesn't harm or attack others, taking their springtime as nourishment for my life. If I really attacked her, it would violate my principles, and I think I can't bear the consequences... But another voice in my heart weakly shouted: ("Do it! Fuck her!") ("She's just a woman, a sex object.") ("If you don't do it now, you'll regret it later!!") ("I'm not reconciled!!") Under the shock of cold water, the voice of reason finally temporarily suppressed the challenge of lust. ("Let's talk about it next time!!") A voice of compromise rang out...
But, in an opportunity not long after, the physiological desire fiercely counterattacked again... The pressure of the sea of sex and the mountain of passion came crashing down... But that's another story...

(4):Lust, the prison of love

**********************************************************wennmanchmaldicketropfenauflockenhauptfallen,sobleibedennochruhig,esistnichtderregenwelcherdurchdasdachsickert.
weinenichtunddruckemirnurschweigenddiehand.
--h. sometimes large drops of water fall on your curly hair, please don't move, it's not rain from the roof, please don't cry, just silently hold my hand tightly.
*******************************************************
That year, I took the college entrance exam. Perhaps it was my cousin's excellent tutoring, perhaps it was a miracle, or perhaps it was the omnipotent God who bestowed upon me magical power, I actually got into a private university. My parents were overjoyed, attributing the huge change to my cousin; they even bought me a motorcycle as a gift…
Of course, my cousin did change my life. For the first time, driven by lust, I began to ponder matters of the spiritual and romantic; from a mere spectator, I entered the game of love for the first time. Of course, for someone fresh out of high school, who didn't know how to care for others or how to control their emotions, it was a very heavy game, both for me and for her…
Not long after the results were released, I went on a healthy activity with a few close friends who often masturbated at school (masturbating meant hiding under overpasses or staircases to spy on others!!). We went hiking on Dabajian Mountain. After descending the mountain, we spent a few days at Sun Moon Lake and met a bunch of girls. One of them, Xiaojie, was very cute, but not my type. She kept pestering me from the start, which made me feel a little overwhelmed. I, who consider myself not particularly good-looking and unpopular with girls, was surprisingly "lightly criticized" by one, which boosted my confidence a bit. Upon asking, it turned out she admired my quiet, slightly melancholic expression (heaven knows, it was because I had nothing to say, my mind was a complete blank, so I had to remain silent and feign melancholy; after all, they say silence is golden, right?). We chatted for a while and discovered we'd both gotten into W University. Driven by curiosity about the opposite sex, and with my best friend's encouragement, we were paired up. I thought it was good; being in the same school would make everything easier. Even if there were no fish or shrimp, it was still good! At least I'd have someone to go to dances and such!
Several more days passed in laughter and jokes. When it was time to go home, my friends were all reluctant to part, but I felt a sense of anticipation and longing. Because soon I could see my cousin again. On the northbound train, Xiaojie fell asleep on my shoulder. The train rumbled along, and as we got closer to home, my anticipation grew stronger… I wondered what my cousin was doing now… …We could spend every day together during summer vacation… My feelings were like those of a wanderer who had been away from home for many years, hoping to see the yellow ribbons tied to the trees on the streets of my hometown.
I looked down at Xiaojie; she was sleeping sweetly, a simple, youthful, and lovely girl, possessing the liveliness and confidence of our generation of young people… Did she know that sitting next to her was a wolf that dared not bite? Xiaojie frowned slightly, as if dreaming of something, or perhaps answering my question. If I were to commit to her now, and stop overthinking, perhaps life would be simple and happy, at least freeing me from the entanglements of lust… But I refuse to give up so easily. A wandering heart shouldn't stop resting so readily; greater ambitions lurk within me, awakening and stirring only when darkness falls, dancing to the pounding drums of adrenaline… I am a wolf, though I yearn for the warmth of a home, I don't want a family. I'd rather hide in the shadows, a proud wolf, for wolves cannot be tamed… For Xiaojie, she is merely a comma in my life, certainly not the end. I feel no guilt whatsoever. There were no promises between us; our relationship was purely based on love and attraction. We came together when it worked, and parted when it didn't—who cares?! Even if there were, what in this world is truly eternal? My restless hands, however, took advantage of her sleep, giving her a few unwanted touches. "This is what I gained…" I thought to myself.
After exchanging phone numbers and addresses with Xiaojie at the train station, I rushed home, eager to get back. As soon as I entered, my parents weren't there.
I habitually went to the balcony for my long-neglected "browsing" of clothes. To my surprise, I noticed that my youthful accessories were missing from the clothes rack.
I frantically checked the laundry basket—nothing there! Where was my cousin? Had she gone home?… My heart sank as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over it. I huddled in the living room, feeling dejected. Just then, my mother returned.
"Xiaoxiong, you're back!?"
"Yes! Where's my cousin?"
"Xiaoru?… The other day we got a call; we heard her dad was sick, so she rushed home. That child is quite filial!"
I breathed a sigh of relief; I thought she had moved away! Thank goodness she's still home! I chatted with Mom casually, without telling her about Xiao Jie. I don't like sharing secrets with others, especially since I haven't really done anything with Xiao Jie yet. If I told her, she'd just ramble on. After dinner, I pretended to have a headache and went to bed. I
tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep, so I sneaked into my cousin's room, quietly opened the wardrobe, pulled out the bottom drawer, and took out all her underwear, spreading it on the bed. I examined each of my cousin's personal items like a military parade, as if handling antique treasures; I did collect them, deep in my heart, in a dark and ambiguous corner belonging to my cousin and me. Each piece of underwear tells a story. I could recount its color, style, scent, and even how I wore it, as if it were a precious memory. Recalling all our past encounters, and the first time I saw my cousin in her revealing clothes, I blushed and my heart pounded. I lay down gently, imagining her lying beside me, but strangely, the excitement and passion of the past vanished… An overwhelming sense of loneliness and self-pity washed over me. Did she know that a young man had fallen into her boundless vortex of desire? Tossing and turning, unable to sleep? Ah! Cousin!! Xiaoru!!
I had thought my desire for my cousin was just a natural reaction to a youthful body, like my past voyeurism towards the women I had spied on. I didn't know their names, and my voyeurism was probably just an embarrassing incident for them, like a harmless rumor that would soon disappear; that they would naturally shift their focus once they had a girlfriend or found a better "object of venting." But upon returning home, I was shocked to find that my cousin had quietly occupied a corner of my heart without my noticing. Through fantasies and voyeuristic gazes at my cousin's body, through intimate appreciation, caresses, and masturbation, I seem to have gradually fallen into an inescapable infatuation. A strange feeling, isn't it?
Driven by pure physical attraction and stimulation, I stole her private affairs and learned most of her physiological secrets. But a strange feeling was slowly growing. Because of my understanding of her physiology, I became more and more like her man (although that's my own perception; or you could call it masturbation). Beyond physical fantasies and desires, I had a greater yearning for her, one that went beyond simply possessing her body. I even began to want to explore her inner world and share her joys and sorrows. I wanted to stop just spying on her, to stop stealing the secrets of her youth like a thief. I wanted to tell her,
"Xiaoru, I love you!!"
It's hard to believe that I could develop such feelings for my cousin, who is two years older than me, especially when she's not around. Facing all her intimate secrets, I felt no sexual urges or passion. Deep down, there was a pity and pain; it was like seeing the belongings of a deceased friend, suddenly realizing she was gone. A pang of separation gnawed at me, and I couldn't help but shed tears…
The radio at midnight kept playing that song… "Will you still love me… tomorrow…"
I decided to head south to Chiayi to find her the next morning…
***********************************************************You love my heart, I pity your beauty; because of this cause and condition, we have been bound together for hundreds of thousands of kalpas.---Surangama Sutra, Volume Nine ***************************************************************
Getting off the train at Chiayi Railway Station, I returned to my hometown after several years of absence… The familiar Wu Feng bronze statue had been replaced by a Liberty Bell. The intense sunlight unique to southern Taiwan made everything shine and shimmer. My heart was filled with joy because I was going to find my love. I was like a confident warrior; the road ahead might be bumpy, the enemy might be treacherous, but because I had found true love, I could fight for her without hesitation. After clarifying my feelings, I suddenly felt very happy and felt I had matured a lot. Perhaps I'm just too young! I always wove beautiful dreams, believing that the earth revolved around me... Back then, I was so enjoying my self-righteous sense of entitlement and smooth sailing... That's probably the capital of youth, little did I know that I almost lost everything in my first gamble...
I jumped on the bus to Lantan and took my first step towards her...

(5):Helplessly, the flowers fall

... ************************************************************** Gather your rosebuds while yemay, old time is still a-flying; the sun and moon pass by, youth flies like a fleeting shadow, and this same flower that smiles today, tonight this flower, its beauty is dazzling, tomorrow will bedding. What will tomorrow bring? It will become a withered branch. Herrick **********************************************************
Today I specially wore a suit, hoping to dress more maturely. I bought a gift, feeling like I was going to propose marriage. When I got off at the bus stop, I couldn't wait to walk quickly... Finally, I arrived!! My cousin's big dog had already started barking. After being away for so long, the little black dog that used to chase me around in my childhood no longer recognized me. My aunt peeked out, her face beaming:
"Auntie!"
"Xiongzai! Long time no see! Did you have time to come over?"
"I came to Chiayi to visit a classmate, and I heard Uncle wasn't feeling well, so I came to check on him!"
"It's nothing, just an old ailment, that's how it is when you get old!"
"You and Aru are the same, always so anxious!"
"I also took the opportunity to visit my hometown, it's been so long since I've been back! The roads have changed so much!"
My aunt warmly invited me in to sit down.
"Oh, if you're not in a hurry, you could stay here for a few more days!"
"Okay!"
Uncle also came out; he suffers from gout, what they call his chronic illness.
"Uncle, are you feeling any better?"
"I'm actually fine! It's all because your aunt is so anxious. She told Aru, which made her come all the way here..."
"That's because she's so filial!"
As I chatted with them, I wondered why I didn't see my cousin.
"Ah... my cousin isn't home?"
"She went out with her friend."
"Friend?"
"She said he's a classmate! He lives in Minxiong. He came over this morning for a while, and after lunch, Aru said she wanted to go for a walk with him. How come? He'll probably be back soon!!" "
Oh..." A surge of jealousy rose in my heart... a classmate!?
Just then, my cousin returned.
"Hey! Xiaoxiong!! What brings you here?"
"I came back to see you, and also to see Uncle. It's been a long time since I've been back!"
(Actually, I just came to see you!)
Seeing my cousin's radiant face, my jealousy vanished.
"Wow! Wearing a suit!! You look so much older," my cousin teased.
(I'm pretending to look older for you!!)
...
We chatted until evening. My cousin went upstairs to make my bed. Looking at her slender back, and the outlines of her bra and panties on her back and buttocks as she bent over, I had an urge to hug her from behind. Lost in thought, my cousin turned around and smiled sweetly at me:
"What made you decide to come see your cousin?"
"I miss you so much when I don't see you at home!!" (It's true!!)
"Wow! You're even taking advantage of your sister! I'm not taking you out to play tomorrow!!"
...Suddenly, there was a moment of silence, and the two of us became a little awkward.
"Sis, I want to take a shower."
"I'll run the hot water for you." (Just like a wife to her husband!!)
I tidied my clothes and went downstairs. My cousin relayed from the living room:
"You're a guest, so you can shower first!! I've run the water, young master!"
I quickly washed myself in the bathroom and took the opportunity to survey the layout. When I came out, my cousin was already waiting outside:
"Go to bed early, I'm taking you out to play tomorrow!"
"Okay!"
...I pretended to go upstairs, and when I heard the sound of the bathwater running, I tiptoed back downstairs.
My cousin's bathroom has a vent under the door, and I simply couldn't resist the temptation to peek at her showering… I cautiously approached the bathroom, like a wolf holding its breath as it nears its prey… The bathroom's yellow light shone through the vent… My
cousin must be starting to undress by now!? I slowly lowered my head… The light shone on my face… At this moment, I must have a devilish face!?
Through the gap in the vent, I saw my cousin's long, slender legs… My cousin began to undress. First, she unbuttoned her top, pulling it all off, revealing a white, lace bra underneath. Then she took off her sweatpants, revealing a rounded bottom encased in small, white panties with red flowers, below which were her long, beautiful legs. I swallowed hard, afraid of missing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to glimpse my cousin's most mysterious area. My cousin turned around, reached behind her back, unhooked her bra, and placed it in the laundry basket beside her… My cousin's flawless white back was fully displayed before me… Why didn't she turn around? ...My little brother was already rock hard...My cousin slipped her fingers under her panties and slowly rolled them down her thigh...My little brother was almost at his limit...
Just then, I suddenly heard my uncle cough!! I was terrified and quickly tiptoed upstairs, my heart pounding. Peeking down, I saw it was coming from his room...Oh no! ...I'm doomed! ...I didn't have the courage to go downstairs to peek anymore, but there's always tomorrow!! But those panties were ones I hadn't seen before, probably new ones she bought at home!? I'll steal them and study them...Half an
hour later, after making sure no one was downstairs, I sneaked down again, went into the bathroom, and rummaged through the laundry basket for my cousin's recently changed underwear...After searching for a while, a set of youthful accessories appeared before me. I quickly brought them to my nose and smelled them—it was that familiar scent, the scent that haunted my dreams, the scent that made my little brother's eyes water. I stuffed the panties into my pocket and sneaked upstairs. I entered, locked the door, and took out my underwear—a small white Triumph M size panty with small red floral print. I pulled off my pajama bottoms and underwear, held the panty to my nose and inhaled, lightly licking the remaining fluid from my cousin's vulva with the tip of my tongue, recalling everything I had just seen… A thick stream of fluid spurted from my penis. I had reached orgasm with her repeatedly at my cousin's house… in my imagination.
Go knock on my cousin's door!! A wicked thought arose.
*********************************************************** If one day I get lost in the wind, take me back to your embrace. Because I know you are a child who worries easily, so even when I fly, I dare not fly too far—Chen Sheng. Kite **********************************************************
I secretly went downstairs again, approached my cousin's room, and gently turned the doorknob—it wasn't locked!! I pushed the door open and saw my cousin wearing a pink nightgown, having kicked off the blankets, her stomach exposed. I lovingly pulled the blanket up to cover her, but unexpectedly woke her up.
"Oh! Xiaoxiong! Why aren't you asleep yet? It's so late!"
"I... can't sleep."
"What's wrong? Not used to sleeping in a different bed?"
"I don't know."
Looking at her tired face, I felt a pang of pity; my earlier desire had subsided considerably.
"Sister..."
"What is it?"
"Can I kiss you goodnight?!"
"You're such a grown woman, still acting like this!"
"Please!"
I saw her noncommittal expression, illuminated by the bedside lamp, her face flushed from just waking up, making her look exceptionally shy and endearing... I couldn't resist leaning in. My cousin, seeing I was serious, shyly turned her head away, and my lips touched her cheek.
"Now you can go to sleep! You naughty child, still acting like a spoiled brat even now that you're all grown up!!"
My cousin made a shy face, and I laughed at my own stupidity... Leaving my cousin's room, the feeling of fulfillment and excitement was completely different from masturbating.
Because of my joy, I even bit the bed sheet and couldn't sleep all night until dawn...

(6): The music ended, but the person was gone.Several green peaks rise above the river

. **************************************************************
Give me that man. That is not passions slave, and I will wear him in my heart score, a, in my heart of heart. As I do thee. --shakespeare, hamletiii. ii. 68-71 Give me a man who is not a slave to passion, and I will hide him deep in my heart, truly, in my heart of heart, as I cherish you.
**************************************************************
The next day, I went to Lantan with my cousin, a place we used to frequent as children. Sandbars dotted the lake, the water shimmered, and occasionally egrets flew by. The scenery was as beautiful as it had been back then, as if time had stood still or flowed backward. Six-year-old me was walking with my older cousin, her little hand holding my even smaller one. I insisted on walking on the side closer to the road…
“Sister, you walk on the inside, I’ll walk on the outside.”
“No, it’s too dangerous for cars on the outside.”
“That’s exactly why I want to walk on the outside to protect you, sister!!” My cousin’s face showed a touching expression.
“What if a car comes and Xiao Xiong comes?”
“I can jump away!! Xiao Xiong knows kung fu, he’s not afraid of cars.”
…In the end, my cousin walked on the outside because she said she was the older sister.
“What are you daydreaming about?” My cousin’s question pulled me back to reality. Sunlight shone on her face, making her smile radiant.
"It's nothing! Just thinking about some things from when we were little!"
"You were the naughtiest kid, but you were also the most affectionate with your older sister."
"Once, you fell into the pond while picking water lilies. Someone rescued you, and later I found out it was because of me..."
"I just said, 'The water lily flowers are so pretty!'"
"Who knew you..."
My older sister smiled, as if she had returned to those days of deep sibling affection, simple and happy times.
Yes, I'd do anything for you... I thought I was merely attracted to your mature, feminine body, but now I realize that these feelings had been growing unknowingly in my heart since I was very young. The separation of time and space caused them to lie dormant for a while, but with our reunion... my frantic voyeurism towards your body... I desperately wanted to know everything about you, to relive my understanding of you, to make up for the time I missed witnessing your growth during our separation... When we broke up, you were a little girl; now you're a mature woman! ... These feelings, catalyzed by desire, have sprouted and spread again in my heart... constantly gnawing at my soul. Only after this short separation did I realize that you're not just on my voyeuristic list, but hold a more important place in my heart... I can't even distinguish whether my feelings for you are love or lust? Or perhaps both?
Strolling along the long embankment, a gentle breeze blows, and the water is calm. You walked ahead of me, a gentle breeze blowing, making your well-fitting white shirt cling to your skin, revealing glimpses of your slender figure… But now, my feelings for you aren't lustful fantasies; rather, they are tenderness and gratitude, for someone who shared my childhood, who fulfilled my sexual fantasies during my turbulent adolescence (though you don't know it)… For you… I so wish this long embankment would never end, that we could walk like this forever, life after life, eternally…
“Sister, Uncle said a boy came to see you yesterday!? Is he your boyfriend?”
“Oh… not really! He's my classmate, also from Chiayi, and went to Taipei for high school.”
“When I first entered T University, I was still quite unfamiliar with Taipei, and he was very helpful in running errands for me…” (If you told me, I would have done the same!!)
“He's a nice person, from the same hometown, and he takes good care of me.” (Me too!!)
A hint of jealousy grew in my heart, and the sweet feeling I had just felt was slowly fading.
"So you like him!?" (I hope not!!)
"I don't know! Anyway, we get along pretty well..." (!!!!!!)
A wave of heartache washed over me, like a million ants gnawing at my heart...
(She has a boyfriend!?!?!?) ...
"Xiao Xiong, what about you? Do you have a girlfriend? Tell your sister, oh..." (Of course not!!)
"..." I gave a bitter smile, (You're the only one in my heart!!)
"Yes!!"
"What's her name? Can you tell your sister?"
"Her name is Chen Yunru!!" (Really!!) ... My cousin was stunned for a moment...
"Haha...", "Don't try to take advantage of me, I'm telling you the truth," (It's true!!)
"There is someone, but the time isn't right yet, I'll tell you later," (It's you!!)
"Oh... if you don't have one, I'd like to introduce you to someone!?"
"m..." Jealousy surged within me, my heart consumed by a burning rage... I could no longer hear what my cousin was saying... Only a series of questions echoed in my mind:
"Why??"
"Why!?"
"Why!!"
*********************************************************** Behind the prosperity lies desolation; behind passion lies nothingness. Life oscillates between attachment and enlightenment --somebody ***************************************************************
I became rather quiet during dinner. I'm usually quite quiet anyway, so it's hard for others to tell from my outward appearance that a chemical change is taking place within me...
After finishing my meal, I watched some TV, then took a shower and used a headache as an excuse to retreat to my room. A wounded beast needs a place to heal! My cousin was on the phone; it was probably "him" calling! Seeing how happy she seemed, a sharp pain pierced my heart... Why wasn't it me?! ...I hurried upstairs, locked the door, and the tears I'd held back all day finally flowed...
Lying in bed, I tossed and turned, reflecting on the shift in my feelings. Besides self-pity, there was a tinge of resentment.
(My cousin is mine!! No one can take her away.)
(She loves me the most, she just doesn't dare say it!!)
(If I dared to confess to her, she would choose me over "him"!!
) (If I can't win her love...)
A terrible thought gradually took shape...
(I'll possess her first, then everything will be easier!!)
My rational self gradually retreated, my emotional self vanished without a trace; the beast within me gradually awakened, urging me to take a terrible action...
(At least get her body first...)
(Didn't you want to do it last time??)
(Besides, she's about to become someone else's woman...)
The sound of the water heater downstairs seemed to be tempting me...that youthful body in the bathroom!!
(Anyway, my aunt and the others go to bed early.)
(Given Ru's personality, she didn't dare to shout.)
My heart was filled with lust; love and morality were all thrown to the back of my mind. All I could think about was how to make my move…
I quietly descended the stairs. The bathroom light shone through the vent. Let me continue yesterday's great work!
I quietly lowered my head. The light shone on my face. In the misty steam, a slender, youthful body came into view…
My cousin had removed all her restraints, and a body like Venus's was revealed before me… Ah!! The beautiful body I had longed for day and night, the body that haunted my dreams!! …Hidden in the steam… Her skin was as white as snow, her face flushed from the hot water. A few beads of sweat mixed with water droplets, reflecting a fair complexion with a rosy glow, radiant beyond compare… Next came the graceful curves of her neck and shoulders… Down the cleavage were her high, pink breasts, so tempting… Ah! Those are my sister's breasts! ...I'm already familiar with how they look in all sorts of bras, but I never imagined they'd be so beautiful and firm after being freed from their constraints. If only I could suckle them!! ...My hand was already inside her pants, soothing my brother who was a little teary-eyed with excitement...My hand moved down her beautifully curved abdomen, past her slightly protruding belly, and further down to a dark, glossy forest, guarding my sister's most mysterious palace...That's my sister's private parts!! ...
My sister lightly touched her private parts with her index finger, seemingly intoxicated by this slight masturbation...I could vaguely see her pink moat, and I felt my blood rushing to my head, a dizzying sensation, as if the body before me was just a dream, yet utterly different...I couldn't help but feel a desire to release the millions of sperm within me...
The hot water was gushing away, and she was oblivious to the comfort of washing her body and the pleasure of touching her private parts, probably unable to hear the low panting of a wolf outside the door! !

Before she could even scream, I pushed her into the bathroom. I grabbed her tightly and shoved her against the wall. Her eyes widened, staring at me with an incredulous, terrified look. I eagerly pressed my lips to hers… but as if suddenly remembering something… she jerked her mouth away, causing me to miss and only manage a kiss on her cheek. Her face went from rosy to pale… and she began to struggle…
“Xiao Xiong!! You can’t do this!!”
she pleaded in a low voice, large tears welling in her eyes. My left hand pressed against her breast, still able to feel the firm softness beneath her bra; my right hand began to pull down her pajama bottoms…
“Xiao Xiong!! No!!”
“I’m going to scream if you keep doing this!!”
At that moment, I was less like myself and more like a wild beast wanting to vent its desires!! ...I kissed her face wildly, muttering indistinctly,
"Ru! I like you."
"Ru!! Give it to me!!" My hands roamed and tugged at her body...
"No!!"
"Please don't!"
"Waaah!..." Big tears finally flowed...
This cry was like a lightning bolt, hitting me hard on the head. I involuntarily released her, and in that instant, all my desire vanished... My heart was filled only with regret, remorse, and pain... It was as if I had returned to the time when I was a child and had done something wrong, making her cry... My cousin's eyes were red and she was sobbing, tears streaming down her face... I couldn't help but kneel down...
"Cousin!"
"Forgive me!!"
My cousin straightened her clothes, walked past me, covered her face, and rushed out the door... And I, I just knelt in the bathroom, unable to control myself for a long time, as if my soul had dissipated into the air, numb, staring blankly at the wall, lost in thought. After a while, tears streamed down my face...
*********************************************************** Only because all phenomena combine to form this body, only the arising and ceasing of phenomena, only the cessation of phenomena -- Vimalakirti Sutra. Chapter on Inquiry about Illness *******************************************************
The next day I said goodbye to my aunt, but I didn't see my cousin. I heard that she had gone out early in the morning.
Of course, from my aunt's normal expression, I knew my cousin hadn't told her about last night. This made me even more uneasy. Helplessly, I could only leave, filled with regret...
When I got to the platform, I was still fantasizing that my cousin would come to see me off. I searched the platform twice, and finally boarded the train with a heavy heart... Reflecting on the past few days, the difference between my feelings when I arrived and when I left was immense! ... The train whistle sounded, and the train slowly glided along. The scenery outside the window gradually accelerated past. I touched my pocket and was shocked to find my cousin's underwear... I cherished it and played with it in my pocket... I felt a pang of sadness, as if something was stuck in my throat, but I couldn't spit it out.
...Before leaving the platform, I glanced at the station one last time, ...and spotted a woman's figure, vaguely familiar, gazing from the opposite platform, but the light was too dim, I couldn't see her face...
"Is it her?!" I said to myself...
The low, husky voice of Tsai Chin came from the platform...
"...Love me again..."
My eyes began to moisten, and tears finally flowed again...

(7) :Except for Wushan, there are no clouds

************************************************************** and among the dreams of the days that were, if my most youth again. and the strange and beautiful song. --h. w. longfellow And when I lingered in those past dreams again, I found my lost youth.
That strange and beautiful song. *********************************************************** After returning from my cousin's house, I went straight to Chenggongling. During that time, I tried to contact my cousin, but I couldn't reach her. I thought she was avoiding me? Not long after, I left home for Chenggongling. This was the first time in my life I had traveled so far for so long. My parents saw me off at the station; my mother's eyes were red, and I comforted her… but in my heart , I felt pain at my cousin's absence (she had always been the one who loved me the most; if… she would have come to see me off). Thinking of this, my eyes also welled up with tears… Once I arrived at Chenggongling, it was monotonous basic training, the same repetitive routine every day. I had lost all hope and purpose. I tried writing to her, one letter a day, but she only answered me with silence, without replying… Gradually, I treated writing letters like keeping a diary, pouring out my daily life, my feelings, and my thoughts to her, but she still didn't reply. My fellow recruits thought I had found a hopeless girlfriend and advised me to give up; some even introduced me to girls, but I just smiled and continued writing in my diary. This was the first time I could so earnestly and without desire think of a woman, purely spiritually, Platonically. All I long for is to return to that simple love we once shared. Call it familial love, call it romantic love, as long as I can face her, hear her soft whispers, see her every smile and frown, that's enough!! Really!! That's enough!! Night after night, she comes into my dreams, but before I can call her name, she's gone again. The bitterness of longing and the resentment of self-blame gnaw at me, leaving me weeping in the middle of the night. People always realize the value of what they have only after they've lost it, and I regret learning this lesson at such a high price. After leaving Chenggongling, school started, and I became a freshman. I met my cousin again at home; she was vaguely the same as before, but the affection in our eyes was gone. I sensed she was avoiding me. Several times when I was alone with her, I had the urge to confess my feelings, yet I feared reopening wounds that might have already healed. I hesitated, and she only eased my awkwardness with her usual smile. The smile remained, but I knew that our relationship could never go back to what it was before… I felt my life's passion slowly draining away, and I became increasingly silent… I couldn't bear to witness our affection wither; it was hurting both of us more and more. So, I decided to leave—move out of my home and into the school dormitory to start a new life, to reorganize my feelings, if I could, if there were still feelings… *********************************************************** Cheers! What's the big deal? Why bother? You and I are just bound by the same fate. The mournful guitar melody reminds me of my burning resentment. Why dwell on past loves when they're gone forever? —Ye Junlin A Man's Tragic Song ********************************************************** Entering W University, I began the typical life of a freshman—welcoming new students and saying goodbye to old ones, outings and barbecues, parties and dances. Under the guise of colorful, busy, and curious days, I seemed to gradually forget my cousin… People are forgetful, aren't they? Perhaps my infatuation with her was merely a product of fleeting time and space?

I got back in touch with Xiaojie. She often came to see me, and as time went on, I started to think of her as my girlfriend. One day after dinner, she came to see me again, inviting me to go to Yangmingshan to enjoy the night view. She was wearing a black t-shirt and a blue skirt, which accentuated her petite yet graceful figure. When I came out of my place, she was standing gracefully beside my Wild Wolf 125 motorcycle, smiling sweetly at me.
"Get on!" I said coolly.
Xiaojie obediently sat sideways, wrapping her arms around my waist. A fragrant scent wafted over, making my heart flutter. With a sudden stop, I felt Xiaojie's soft breasts bump against my body… Ah!!… This hymn to youthful flesh!!… My heart fluttered, my blood accelerated, and the long-dormant beast within me began to stir restlessly…
Once on the mountain, we found a good spot overlooking Taipei. The dazzling lights outshone even the stars in the sky. I deliberately found a well-hidden spot and sat down with Xiaojie. Like a wolf in the wilderness, I watched my prey intently, waiting for the right moment to strike.
My right hand slowly slid towards Xiaojie's breasts, sliding down from the neckline of her t-shirt… touching the lace trim of her bra. I tested Xiaojie's reaction; her body, seemingly boneless, leaned obediently against my chest. I suppressed my doubts and wariness, boldly exploring the secrets of her body…
In the moonlight, I glimpsed her bra through the neckline… a vibrant purple… This alluring color stimulated my senses. I played with the lace trim of her bra with my fingers; this subtle stimulation seemed to quicken her heartbeat… My fingers then slipped inside her bra, touching her soft, full breasts… This soft touch stimulated me, slowly arousing me… My fingers touched her nipples, and I gently caressed and stroked them… Ah!! ...Like this! ...These must be your breasts!
Xiao Jie kept her eyes tightly closed, her whole body trembling slightly. My right hand restlessly played with her small breasts, her breathing became rapid, and her body trembled uneasily... I gently stroked her thigh with my left hand, sliding step by step towards the base of her thigh... The base of her thigh touched a silk panty, and I felt the lace, the openwork, and the mysterious garden within... I glanced down, and it was also a fiery purple... The black parts peeking through the openwork provocatively challenged my adrenaline... My fingers tried to touch it gently, the soft protrusions reflecting a slight dampness... Soon... my fingers could feel the moisture seeping into the panty...
This was the first time I had caressed a girl, my palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, and my mouth was dry... I followed the scenes from the adult books I had read, afraid that my roughness might hurt her... My right hand gently pinched her nipple, while my left hand gently slid inside the panty, probing her most mysterious uterus. My fingers touched soft pubic hair, slightly damp… Xiaojie had her eyes closed, seemingly somewhat intoxicated by my caresses; occasionally she frowned, as if I was hurting her… Her breathing became more and more rapid… accompanied by my heavy panting… My fingers probed into her mysterious valley… Ah!! A strange sensation spread from my fingertips, like an electric current coursing through my body, igniting a burning desire within me... My breathing quickened... Xiaojie trembled involuntarily... I felt a moist, gurgling flow seeping from her vulva... A tingling sensation ran through my lower body...
Xiaojie opened her eyes, the moonlight illuminating her lightly powdered face, her rosy cheeks, her dark eyes brimming with spring-like passion, and her fragrant, orchid-like aura... I couldn't help but slowly lower my head... She looked at me with a half-smile, and my mind went blank... I pressed my lips to her cherry lips, and she turned around, wrapping her arms around my neck. Our lips met, and a sweet saliva flowed from her mouth. My hands ceased their provocation and exploration of her body, and I embraced her tightly... We kissed passionately... Our bodies intertwined intimately... This was my first kiss!!
I couldn't help but close my eyes tightly, completely savoring the primal desires of my body through touch. The stimulation of her tongue and lips assaulted my brain wave after wave, my senses dominating my entire body, my mind a complete blank… The woman before me seemed to merge with the woman deeply etched in my memory… It was her!! It was her!!… I couldn’t help but cry out, “
Ru!!”
Xiao Jie paused as if electrocuted, quickly withdrawing her lips. Immediately afterward, a sharp pain shot through my right cheek. Before I could fully comprehend what was happening, Xiao Jie abruptly stood up, breathing heavily. I saw her reddened palm and realized what had occurred. She gritted her teeth, tears welling in her eyes:
“I’m not your Ru!!”
“I’m Xiao Jie!!”
“Xiao Jie, I…” I tried to protest, but found myself unable to find a reason.
“Go find your Ru!!” "Two tear tracks ran down Xiaojie's face.
'I...I...' I didn't know how to explain...
Xiaojie turned and went down the mountain. I watched her figure grow further and further away... but I didn't know to get up and chase after her... Even if I caught up, what would it matter?!... I just sat there blankly, like a stone statue... My mind was blank, and I had no urge to cry. I only felt as if my body and soul had separated, drifting aimlessly... I don't know how much time had passed, but the bright moon was already obscured by dark clouds. I got up blankly, walked down the hill, got on my Wild Wolf 125, started the engine, and went about my business in a daze, like a walking corpse."
***********************************************************Girl! My song is not yet finished, but my zither strings are broken;--Feng Zhi. Silkworm Horse **********************************************************
I sped down the mountain, the wind blowing strongly against my face. I pondered what had just happened, but all I got was a blank... Dark clouds began to rush by, and soon, large raindrops fell... Suddenly, I felt a pang of sorrow in my chest... I am a sinner! ...After hurting one woman, I went on to hurt another... I was lost in thought, and the rain grew heavier and heavier... My vision began to blur, and I could not distinguish between tears and rain... I let the rain soak my whole body, as if accepting punishment; or as if it could wash away my sins... Two points of light in the distance grew larger and larger, dazzling me... My blurred eyes could not distinguish the light... Were they messengers who came to guide me!? ...

(8): Looking back at the desolate place

********************************************************** music, when soft voices die. Vibrates in the memory, when sweet violets are sweet
, live within the sense
they quickly… and so they think, when you are gone, love yourself shall slumber on. --p.b. Shelley's gentle voice fades away, music will ripple in memories. Sweet violets wither, their fragrance lingers in the sensitive sense of smell… Similarly, after you disappear, longing will sleep in the land of remembrance. ************************************************************** The light spots grew larger and larger, my vision blurred, and after a blinding dizziness, two familiar figures walked towards me… One was my cousin Ru; the other was Xiao Jie.

I must be dreaming!!... I saw them walking towards me, their faces beaming with smiles. My cousin had her usual gentle smile, while Xiaojie had a different kind of captivating smile. When I looked closely, I realized they were both naked. I felt as if I were seeing two perfectly sculpted goddess statues... The beauty wasn't carnal, but rather something beyond the mortal realm, something that inspired awe and reverence... If you've seen Michelangelo's Madonna holding Christ, you can probably imagine what I saw. It was a beauty that dared not be directly looked at, a beauty that made one feel that looking directly at them would be a desecration. My heart was empty, devoid of any desire, only a little confused…
My cousin smiled at me, her cherry lips slightly parted:
“Do you like me; or my body?”… I opened my mouth to answer, but Xiao Jie also spoke:
“Do you like my body, or do you like me?”
I began to fall into deep doubt. With my cousin, perhaps it was the attraction of her body that ignited a long-dormant feeling, transforming into infatuation with her. Undoubtedly, I liked her, but was it lust or love, which was more important?
As for Xiao Jie, her body also attracted me. Being with her was easy and comfortable, without any moral burden.
But, did I love her?
I couldn’t answer… I was just speechless…
My cousin’s smile gradually faded, a moment of silence passed, and she slowly turned away. I cried out urgently,
"Cousin!!"
"Ru!!"
My cousin turned to look at me, her eyes glistening with tears, on the verge of sobbing, her expression filled with sorrow—it was the look she had given me that night!! My heart ached terribly… that look I cherished, that I would never forget!!… I cried out,
"Sister!! I love you!!" But my cousin didn't answer, and walked further and further away.
Little Jie, standing beside me, opened her beautiful eyes wide, startled, and looked at me with a puzzled expression. After a long, long time, two lines of tears streamed down her face. I felt a pang of pity and wanted to say something to her, but she turned away and slowly walked away. I felt a pang of heartache too…
“Xiao Jie!!”
“Don’t go!!”
Xiao Jie turned around, and seeing her glistening eyes, brimming with tears, I felt as if I were back in the moment she slapped me. Her expression was exactly the same: anger, confusion, sadness, regret, and a hint of reluctance… This expression filled me with pain and self-reproach. I continued to call her name, but like my cousin, she walked further and further away…
“Ru!!”
“Xiao Jie!!”
“Don’t go!!”
The piercing pain brought tears to my eyes. I just shouted and cried, but I didn’t have the courage to chase after them. If it was just her, who else could I chase after? I couldn’t help but kneel down, clutching my knees in anguish, tears streaming down my face… Suddenly, two elongated shadows slowly appeared on the ground. Had they returned?! ...I looked up happily, tears welling in my eyes...
In an instant, I felt as if I had been electrocuted, my whole body jolted...The bodies of the two goddesses remained, but their heads had been replaced by a male face...
That was my face!!
***********************************************************In the city of Shravasti, Yajnata, suddenly at dawn, looked at his face in a mirror and loved the head in the mirror--Surangama Sutra***********************************************************
I slowly regained consciousness amidst a mix of confusion and pain...(I'm awake! I'm awake!)...(Thank God!!)...(I can be discharged after a few more days of observation!)...(Finally awake!)...Soft sobs, children's noise, adults' voices, the sound of rollers, the beeping of the monitor...Then came the smell of medicine, mustiness, and all sorts of strange mixed smells...Finally, a familiar, faint, girlish fragrance...It's her!!
I struggled to open my aching eyes, and a pair of beautiful eyes blinked before me—long eyelashes, bright, sparkling eyes…it was my cousin, Ru!
I couldn't contain my joy and wanted to scream, but I found no sound. My mouth was terribly dry, and my whole body ached. Looking down, I saw that my arms and legs were in casts. I instinctively moved my legs, which brought a sharp pain…Ah!!…What happened to me?!
"Xiaoxiong, you were in a car accident!!"
"You didn't even know?!"
"You and the bike plunged down the slope, luckily you bounced out,"
"The bike fell down there, it's completely destroyed!!"
"You're lucky!! It's also thanks to our ancestors' protection..." Mother said slowly, tears welling in her eyes...
"You were unconscious for a day, I didn't know if you'd wake up?"
"Mom was so worried... thankfully you woke up."
"Xiaoru has been here with you the whole time!"
"Why were you riding so fast so late?!" Father scolded,
"Alright! We'll talk about it after you're discharged!!" Cousin smoothed things over...
...
I couldn't quite hear what they said after that... I felt a mix of doubt and joy, thinking:
(She's back!! She's back!!)
***********************************************************I am a playful and free kite, making you worry every day. If one day I get lost in the wind, how will I return to your side? A playful and free kite, always playing in the sky. If one day the string breaks, will you come back to find me? If one day I get lost in the wind, take me back to your embrace. --Chen Sheng. Kite **********************************************************
My cousin just finished her school exams and has more time. My parents have to go to work, so she volunteered to stay and take care of me. I smiled and stared at her blankly. She lowered her head shyly.
"You scared everyone to death!!"
"If you hadn't woken up, my aunt and uncle would have collapsed!!" She stopped smiling and scolded me with a hint of reproach. I just smiled for a long, long time before finally speaking:
"You're back!!"
"What? What do you mean, back? I've been here watching our little master!!"
"Did you fall and become an idiot!?" I just smiled... enjoying the tranquility and warmth after the rain...
"Why are you only smiling? Have you really become an idiot??" my cousin teased me...
"Cousin,"
"?"
"I..."
"What?"
"I'm sorry!!""..." My cousin lowered her head, remaining silent for a while before saying softly, "Actually, I received your letter . " "I don't blame you." "It's just that Xiao Xiong has grown up; he's no longer the little brother who used to follow me around like that." "He has his own world, his own feelings, and..." "Desires." "I don't blame you. In my heart, I see you as someone who did something mischievous when we were little." "A prank that made me angry and made me cry." "I hope it really was just Xiao Xiong's prank."

"Don't do it again in the future..."
"This way... it's better for everyone..."
"After all, you're the younger brother, and I'm the older sister!!"
I looked at my cousin gratefully, accepting the new relationship she had established with a mix of happiness and sadness... I secretly vowed in my heart that I would never do anything to hurt her again... I would protect her, cherish her, and never waver... My cousin smiled radiantly, and I repeated my vow in my heart...
Little did I know that not long after, I would fall into the vortex of lust with her again, and personally break this vow...

(9) But at that time, I was already lost in reverie

********************************************************** and if that at my now enlustibrenne, frowhennescomethmywailing andmypleynte?
--g. chaucer If I were already active in joy, where would this sorrow and grief come from?
***************************************************************
I just looked at my cousin like this, she was thinking about her thoughts, and I was thinking about mine. A sense of emptiness filled my heart, as if the world was inherently clear and simple, and that holding onto simple, unwavering beliefs was enough to live happily. The real world, of course, is far more real and complex, but also far less joyful; it holds many surprises, but also traps and unspoken dangers, and hardship can suddenly appear and steal your happiness when you least expect it… But at the time, I didn't understand, nor did I try to. I simply buried my head in the sand, enjoying the simple and blissful illusion of my own beautiful world.
I was completely absorbed in my own woven dream, but soon a real girl challenged my beautiful new world. A girl with pretty short hair timidly peered into the doorway, holding a bouquet of flowers. Her eyes met mine, making her lower her head shyly as she slowly walked in… It was her… Xiao Jie.
Xiao Jie introduced herself generously. I told my cousin she was my friend; of course, I wouldn't tell her that the woman whose name I called out that night was standing right in front of her. After a polite greeting, my cousin excused herself to go out and buy something. Only Xiaojie and I were left in the ward, and a strange atmosphere was building…
“You have such a beautiful cousin!!” she broke the silence first. I just smiled and didn’t answer.
“I’m so sorry about that day!” she said shyly
. “Later I felt something was wrong, and before I even understood what was going on…” She lowered her head.
“It’s okay!!” I pretended not to care to hide my guilt.
“Actually, what I wanted to say that day was, ‘If only we could be together like this every day…’”
I continued, weaving a lie. I’m a lying expert; I tell little lies all the time. It’s so practiced that I can lie without blushing or getting out of breath. It’s not that people can’t lie; the key is being able to convince yourself to lie. When lying becomes a habit, even an art, there’s no lie you can’t tell. And the bigger the lie, the easier it is to fool someone!! Lying to Xiaojie, by my standards, certainly wouldn't be considered deceiving her feelings. It's more like a conditioned reflex stemming from my inherent desire to be considerate and my dislike of hurting others. When my intuition tells me the truth will hurt, I tell a lie to smooth it out. To cover up that lie, I tell even more lies… Eventually, even I can't distinguish between truth and falsehood… the lies become so real that they seem real too… Isn't that right? In real life, what things remain forever pure and unchanging?
Ironically, most people either forget the truth or love to hear lies…
“Oh!!…I really misunderstood you, and even caused your car accident!!” Xiaojie said with a face full of guilt,
“It’s all in the past!!” I said generously,
“I will definitely make it up to you!!” Xiaojie said firmly,
“How will you make it up to me!?” I leaned close to her ear, “How about I repay you with my body!?”
“You’re so shameless!!” Xiaojie smiled shyly, pinched me, and made me squeal in pain…
Xiaojie laughed gleefully… slowly walked to the window, looking down at the scenery outside. The setting sun shone on her face, and looking at her smiling face, I suddenly felt that Xiaojie was actually a very lovely girl, generous and cute, with a good figure, and a pure and healthy nature… If I could drive away that feeling in my heart and start over with her, perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad choice.
"Look!! The sunset!! Just now the sky was covered in dark clouds, but the sun came out and they all disappeared!!" she said happily, like a child...
Yes!! The sun comes out, and the dark clouds disperse. But where is the sunshine in my life? Is it you? Xiaojie! Or is it Ru!?
I don't know, I only know that the terrible dream has temporarily left me, but I also know that if I play this dangerous game again, it will backfire at any time!! But I can't give up the playful part in my life... or maybe I myself am that dark cloud!?
***********************************************************Waiting for you to lie as gentle banks, I will be like an awakened river flowing towards your distant depths!!
--Du Shisan. Bank **********************************************************
After being discharged from the hospital, my parents insisted that I move back home, "so they can manage me better," and I promised to move back home when the next semester starts. At school, it's all about playing and studying. For me, the latter is just a drop in the ocean compared to the former :p...
Xiaojie often comes to see me, and I'm happy to play that forbidden game with her, but she always refuses to give in, saying she's waiting for a very important day that I'll never forget. Soon, my birthday arrived...
After a birthday party with a group of close friends, and after drinking, Xiaojie helped me, staggering back to my place. Xiaojie was also a little tipsy, her flushed cheeks like ripe peaches, making one's mouth water. On one hand, I had ulterior motives, and on the other hand, alcohol seemed to lower the restraint of morality. I embraced Xiaojie, kissing wildly, our bodies rubbing against each other... Our breathing became more and more rapid, and I couldn't help but reach out to unbutton Xiaojie's shirt, hoping to elevate the fantasy of touching each other's bodies to real physical contact... That adult game I had never played before!!
Xiaojie obediently let me unbutton her shirt. Normally poised and confident, she now kept her eyes tightly shut, her body trembling slightly, revealing the shyness of a young girl. I kissed her lips and cheeks, gently blowing into her ear. She seemed unable to resist this gentle onslaught; her previously tense and stiff body slowly softened…
I gently removed her outer garment and long skirt, revealing a jade-like body before me. A white swell-style bra covered two seemingly about-to-jump breasts; I unhooked the restrictive back clasp, and the two full breasts sprang out as if liberated. The pink nipples tempted me to kiss them… I had already removed all my restraints, wearing only my undergarments, and my penis was already erect… I couldn't resist kissing one of her nipples, finding it trembling as if alive… I gently bit and nibbled at them, and Xiao Jie's body involuntarily swayed and twisted with each kiss…i=35>I followed the path down Xiaojie's breasts, passing through a flat plain, her skin as white as snow, then a slightly concave valley, which I playfully caressed with my hand...slowly removing Xiaojie's white lace panties...a magical, exhilarating landscape unfolded before my eyes...below was a slightly raised plateau, upon which lay a dark forest, overlooking a mysterious moat, and within that, her alluring palace...

Xiao Jie also removed my underwear, curiously examining my little brother…
“How strange!…So much hair,”
Xiao Jie playfully teased, making my little brother feel a tingling sensation. I gently touched Xiao Jie’s private parts with my hand, and a trickle of moisture seeped from that peach blossom spring… seemingly guiding me, the fisherman, to explore the secret realm of that peach blossom spring. My heart raced, and Xiao Jie’s breathing became more and more rapid… Beads of sweat seeped out… I slowly and gently placed my little brother at the entrance of that source, lightly touching that door… triggering even more moisture to overflow…
The surging lust drove me forward, and the hesitation in my heart and the restraint of morality seemed to have been defeated… I bravely let my little brother enter, letting my scepter pound out the gushing holy water from her newly opened palace…
*********************************************** Startled by the changing seasons, I sighed at the fleeting nature of life, like a dream flowing eastward. Human affairs are truly sorrowful; do not ask about past travels at Hengtang. -- Nalan Xingde Partridge Sky **************************************************
After a dizzying downpour, Xiaojie and I quietly indulged in the pleasure and exhaustion after our lovemaking... She was exhausted and trusted me as she fell asleep, a smile still on her lips. A feeling of exhaustion after the release spread through my body... Looking at the bloodstain on the sheets, I vaguely felt something was wrong, as if I had let her down... But strangely, my cousin's smiling face floated up in my mind...
I suddenly felt that I was facing a life-or-death hurdle, a choice. I hesitated and remembered a line from Dante's Divine Comedy...
"Cross this river, there is no hope!!"...

(10):I remember the green silk skirt. Everywhere, I cherish the fragrant grass

. ************************************************************** thybosomisendearedwithallhearts, whichibylackinghavesupposeddead; --shakespeare. sonnet31 How many loyal hearts, I thought were dead, but unexpectedly they are all treasured in your heart; **********************************************************
Days flow forward like a torrent, and when you are surprised at how quickly time flies, you find that it seems nothing has been left, only a soaked self.
Xiaojie and I are like Eve and Adam who tasted the forbidden fruit; besides physical pleasure, we must begin to face the challenges of worldly life. Because I don't like using condoms, I always have to be on tenterhooks for several days every month, fearing that a moment of pleasure will cost us too much. Often, it's only after Xiaojie's period arrives that I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. And so, two immature young people played games belonging to the adult world, yet were afraid to shoulder adult responsibilities. After all, responsibility was something too distant and too heavy for us…
Xiaojie was actually a good girl, especially after we had a relationship. She seemed to shed her shy girlishness and warmly treated me as her only, confidant boyfriend, giving me her whole heart, which sometimes made me feel guilty. Did I love Xiaojie? To be honest, I didn't know… I couldn't clarify whether it was love that made me unable to leave her, or just lust that made me unwilling to part with her? I couldn't deny that there was still a mysterious affection for her, a feeling… that I didn't feel anything special when she was around; but when she wasn't there, I felt a little empty, as if something was missing, and it wasn't entirely just lust. A strong desire, even stronger than sexual desire, ignited within me to share my innermost thoughts with her. But seeing her carefree happiness and innocent heart, I couldn't bear to shock or hurt her. I even felt ashamed that I couldn't shake my fantasies about my cousin… This guilt made me very good at comforting and spoiling her. Occasionally, I'd tell a little white lie to smooth over my indecisiveness and neglect of her…
Days passed in what I perceived as a patchwork of ambiguity. Our friends had long considered us a couple, and I think Xiaojie probably thought so too! But I still couldn't completely convince myself to wholeheartedly accept her. Even so, we spent more and more time together, sometimes skipping class to go to Yangmingshan, or hiking trails up Qixing Mountain, enjoying the conquering feeling of being on top of the world. I've noticed I dream about my cousin less and less, and her face is becoming increasingly blurry in my memory… but a lingering, indescribable regret remains in my heart…
Perhaps what I lack is another, more profound, heart-wrenching experience that will make me completely give up on her!
Not long after winter break, I moved back home. The day I packed my bags, Xiaojie came to help me. Her eyes were red as she silently packed, and looking at her slender figure, I felt a pang of reluctance. I comforted her, saying we'd see each other again, and that I was just moving home, not quitting school. Besides, she was going home for winter break too!
But my attempts to comfort her only made her tears flow more freely, soaking the cardboard boxes. Her face was pale, and she looked much more haggard than usual. Finally, rubbing her tearful eyes, she forced a smile and said, "Then call me often! I'll be waiting for you!"
Looking at her sorrowful face and listening to her choked words, I felt a pang of heartache... I loved her too!! We kissed, more intensely and earnestly than usual...
*********************************************************** Woman from a foreign land, I came here not for wine and nectar, but because my heart is filled with endless mud, and my pocket has an extra coin.
--Feng Zhi. Northward Journey **********************************************************
My parents went to the American West for the holidays, leaving only my cousin and me at home. My cousin had taken a tutoring job during the winter break, and my mother felt comfortable going on her trip because she could take care of me, the young master, at home. Having just said goodbye to Xiao Jie, I didn't have the space or preparation to accept a third party, so things went peacefully for several days. She went to tutoring during the day, while I and my group of best friends went out to hang out, chat, stroll around, and sometimes visit Xiao Jie to confide in each other. I have to go home for dinner every night, as my mom requires, and my cousin cooks for me. The two of us eat facing each other at the table, which gives me a strange feeling of home, but I also find myself thinking of Xiaojie. Actually, I'm secretly grateful to Xiaojie; with her pure heart, she slowly pulled me out of the dark corners of my heart—at least that's what I thought at the time…
Tonight I went home early, and when I entered, I found my cousin wasn't home yet. So I went to the kitchen to make myself a glass of juice, washed the rice, and put it in the rice cooker. Then I curled up in the living room with a magazine and watched TV… and eventually fell asleep. It wasn't until almost eight o'clock that I was woken up by my cousin opening the door. She looked apologetic:
"Sorry, something came up and I was delayed…"
"Haven't eaten yet?! I'll cook right away…" My cousin walked towards the kitchen, and I noticed her eyes were slightly red…
I stayed in the living room for a while, feeling uneasy, so I went to the kitchen. My cousin, wearing an apron, was facing away from me, head down, chopping vegetables. I vaguely heard soft sobs…
“Cousin, are you alright?”
“Mmm…”
“I think you don’t need to do anything, I’ll go out and buy some food!”
“Are you crying?”
I walked up to her, and she deliberately lowered her head. I could vaguely see two tear tracks trailing down her face…
“No, no! I just got some smoke from chopping onions…”
“I thought someone had bullied you!!”
"If anyone dares to bully you, I'll beat them to a pulp!" I shouted, as if the scoundrel had already been kicked to the ground.
"..."
My cousin continued chopping vegetables with her head down, and I saw tears dripping down her face...
"Sister! What's wrong?!"
"Nothing!..." She turned away, seemingly suppressing something.
"Waaah..."
She finally couldn't hold back her tears and cried. I panicked a little, as if I had done something wrong and upset her. I slowly moved closer to her and gently patted her shoulder. She sobbed, her whole body trembling. I comforted her, just like I always did with Xiaojie...
I slowly leaned against her back. It wasn't that I wanted to take advantage of her; it was just that I always did this when Xiaojie cried, providing her with a shoulder to lean on and a place to cry. We got closer and closer, and I wrapped my arms around her, slowly... pulling her into my embrace...
She seemed to realize something, and her body trembled slightly, as if surprised by my abruptness. I just whispered in her ear:
"It's alright...it's all over..."
***********************************************************Tonight I'll keep the silver light shining, still fearing our meeting is but a dream -- Yan Jidao. Partridge Sky **************************************************************
She seemed to sense my kindness and stopped struggling. I gently comforted her, and she slowly turned around and simply buried her face in my chest and cried her heart out. I was surprised that she, who was usually so reserved with her emotions, would reveal such feelings in front of me, and I couldn't help but feel a little moved. She sobbed in my arms, as if she had suffered endless grievances, and my chest was gradually soaked by her tears... I didn't know what to do with my arms around her, and could only clumsily pat her back, just like when she was a child... She sobbed, and I felt a sense of intimacy brewing. While I was lost in thought, I found that my eyes were also red...I just didn't know why I was crying?

(11):Let the song travel through the mountains

**************************************************************
For as the sun is daily new and old, so is my love still telling what is old. --shakespears Since the sun changes every day, my love will forever reiterate what is old.
***********************************************************
She sobbed in my arms, and time seemed to flow backward, back to the winter jasmine tree of my childhood, on a midsummer afternoon, when cicadas sang passionately of their season. The scene shows a little boy crying in a little girl's arms. The little girl is only a head taller than the boy, but she is comforting him like a little adult...
"Xiao Xiong, what's wrong? Who bullied you? Tell your sister," my cousin said, her head bowed, gently stroking me with her hand...
"That Ade... Waaah... he stole the paper airplane you made and tore it... Waaah..." I cried, tears streaming down my face, as if I had encountered the saddest thing in the world...
"It's okay!... Don't cry, I'll make you another one!" she coaxed me
. "Okay! But it has to be better than the original one..." I replied with a smile through my tears...
"Okay... Don't cry anymore!!... You're so old and you still cry, shame on you..." she teased me, drawing a face on my cheek...
Memory is like a song with forgotten lyrics. You may forget the details, but the melody is unforgettable. It often brings a throbbing to the heart in some unpredictable moments.
I felt as if I had returned to that summer afternoon, the melodious chirping of cicadas still faintly discernible…
Ah! But tonight, would you still be willing to remake that long-forgotten paper airplane for me?
*********************************************************** The dream has vanished into the distant past, its colors faded, becoming a memory within the dream. What remains is a melody of burning passion, a melody of sorrow. Heine********************************************************
For a long, long time, her head gently left my chest, gazing at me gratefully. I was pulled back to reality from my distant daydreams. She seemed a little embarrassed and lowered her head…
“I’m sorry, I…lost my composure!” she said in an almost inaudible voice.
“Want to talk?” I asked cautiously.
She hesitated for a moment, then shook her head, looking apologetic:
“I’m sorry, I’ll have to trouble you to eat out tonight…”
“It’s okay!!…Do you…want me to bring you anything?”
“No, I want to go to sleep early…”
“Well, then how about this, you don’t have class tomorrow, I’ll take you for a walk in the countryside…”
She smiled noncommittally, the undried tear tracks glistening on her fair face, adding to her pitiful appearance…
“Then go to sleep early, don’t overthink things, I’m not taking a panda to play with tomorrow, oh!!…”
“Okay!” she replied obediently like a little girl, a smile spreading across her face…
That night, I couldn’t sleep, still seemingly immersed in that distant memory. The spot on my chest, damp as if from tears, seemed to still hold her warmth and the softness of her breasts. Memories flooded my mind, childhood recollections surging back… The difference was, her sweet, innocent face had transformed into a beautiful young woman; was that little boy with snot hanging from his nose still the same, or had he lost his childlike innocence, becoming a wolf driven by lust? I asked myself these questions, the moonlight streaming in through the window, seemingly responding silently…
I turned over, and the shadow cast on the wall transformed into my cousin's gentle smile, a radiant smile; then suddenly into Princess Xiaojie's smiling face, and a moment later, into my own. I seemed to hear and see again the cicadas chirping under the winter jasmine tree… the delicate lotus flowers in the pond… the shimmering water, a line of egrets soaring into the blue sky… the towering areca palms… the night view of Shamao Mountain… Xiaojie's smiling face… the university lawn… the pointed buildings… wild ginger flowers… the starry sky… the devil lights flashing at the ball… flowers… trees… the sky… kites… My face smiled wickedly…
A strong sense of loss silently swept over me. I tried to grasp something, but I couldn't grasp anything. My body just kept falling… I woke up with a start, sat up, the tear stains on my chest had dried, but I found that my pillow was soaked with my tears…
*********************************************************** Let the song travel through the mountains to bury this feeling, may it always rest beneath the green pines -- Lü Dai **********************************************************
The next morning, I whistled downstairs, waiting for my cousin, like a happy child.
My cousin gracefully descended the stairs, a smile on her face. Today she wore a white gauze blouse and a pair of elegant dark trousers. Her flowing sleeves billowed in the breeze, and because of the backlighting, she seemed to glow, her slender figure subtly revealed. Coupled with her gentle smile, I was momentarily captivated. Seeing my dazed expression, my cousin, both amused and exasperated, asked,
"Never seen a girl before?"
"Yeah!" I replied mischievously. "I thought she was a fairy descended from heaven!!"
"You!...Even your older sister is making fun of you..." she said, a half-smile playing on her lips, her cheeks slightly flushed, seemingly embarrassed, which only added to her allure. I laughed along; what a beautiful day!
Amidst the laughter, we boarded the bus, leaving the crowded basin behind, heading towards the reclining Guanyin statue we saw every day.
Crossing rice paddies, farmhouses, and ponds, we arrived at the mountain pass. It started with a steep uphill climb, passing many graves. The dark, dense forest rustled in the wind, mingled with the calls of wild birds and the chirping of autumn insects, the wind whistling… We began to climb…
my sister in front, me behind. As the slope rose and fell, I could faintly hear her panting… I looked up and saw her shirt soaked with sweat; I could vaguely see the sweat-soaked outline of her bra, and the tan lines of her panties were also faintly visible as she lifted her feet… I suppressed the burgeoning desire within me, silently rebuking myself for my blasphemous thoughts.
“Let’s rest a bit!” I kindly suggested.
“Mmm…” my sister gasped softly. I saw beads of sweat glistening on her nose in the sunlight… her rosy cheeks made her already fair skin appear even more radiant.
"The scenery is worse and it's more tiring at first, but just hang in there," I encouraged her, handing her the water bottle. My sister nodded and stubbornly started climbing again…
After a battle of sweat and panting, we reached the first peak.
"We're here!!" my sister cheered happily, like a little girl. I followed her up to the summit.
A cool breeze swept across the mountaintop, soothing our worries. A crested eagle circled in the distance, its hooting cry adding a touch of melancholy to the desolate landscape. In the distance was the mouth of the Tamsui River, and on the opposite bank were Datun Mountain, Qixing Mountain… closer still were Bali and Longxing Ferry. The Tamsui River meandered into the sea like a jade ribbon, reflecting the white clouds in the sky. I explained,
"This Zhanshan Mountain, some people call it Little Fuji Mountain, isn't the scenery beautiful?" My sister nodded.
"See those hills, high and low?" I pointed.
"Once we get over them, we'll reach the tallest mountain on the other side, see it?" "That pointed one."
"That's our destination—Guanyin Mountain." My sister stuck out her tongue.
"It's still that far??" she said coquettishly.
"No way! We'll probably make it in time to see the famous Tamsui sunset." I encouraged her,
"Then let's go!!" My sister urged happily. Looking at her smile, it seemed that the unpleasantness of last night had vanished without a trace.
"Great!! Let's have a race to see who can climb the fastest..." I replied enthusiastically and started running...
My sister and I chatted happily along the way, talking about our views on life, our childhood memories, and our school days... I wished life could continue like this forever. I even secretly hoped that Zhanshan Mountain had endless peaks to climb...
At noon, we rested under the shade of a tree, happily eating the sandwiches she had made that morning. She smiled at me, and we looked like a young married couple, having secluded ourselves in the countryside...
"It's so nice to get out for a walk!!" she said happily, and I echoed, "Yeah!!"
"Sister...your...um...boyfriend...hasn't he ever taken you out for a walk to cheer you up?"
My sister fell silent for a moment, a trace of sorrow seemingly creeping onto her brow. She lowered her head softly and said,
"Let's not talk about him today, okay?"
"Oh!...I'm sorry!!" I said apologetically. An awkward silence seemed to fill the air. I tried to break the ice...
"Sister, do you remember the song you taught me when we were little?" I hummed softly...
"Outside the long pavilion, along the ancient road, the fragrant grass stretches to the horizon..." My sister softly joined in...
"A pot of turbid wine to exhaust the remaining joy, tonight...farewell...dreams...cold..."
A cool breeze blew by, the world was vast, the white clouds shimmered, as if only our song, along with the sound of the wind, lingered in the empty valley...
*********************************************************** A drunken reunion is a predestined fate. The wind and rain scatter, where do we drift to?
--Su Shi After some effort, we crossed Zhanshan
Mountain and joined the summit trail of Guanyin Mountain. It was late autumn; the five-jointed silvergrass covering the mountain was fading, but still swayed in the setting sun, as if displaying its final splendor… The sunlight, reflecting off the silvergrass, dyed the stone slabs of the trail red… My sister and I walked side by side, like a newlywed couple walking down a red carpet, receiving the blessings of the autumn wind and insects…
Reaching the summit of Guanyin Mountain's Hard-Handed Ridge, the entire Tamsui River estuary was laid out before us. The setting sun cast countless golden rays, and the clouds shifted rapidly. Standing in the windy spot, a strong gust blew against her face, making her coat cling to her body; she seemed lost in the picturesque scenery…
“I love you!!” I shouted down the mountain, but the wind was too strong, making my voice intermittent and indistinct.
"Xiao Xiong, what are you shouting about?" my sister asked with a smile, her smile as radiant as a flower...
"Nothing!"
"Sister, if you're upset about something, just shout it out loud, it'll make you feel better!"
At my urging, she pursed her lips and shouted down the mountain: "I...",
I seemed to hear her reply: "I know..."

(12):The cold night sheds tears for those who weep

. ********************************************************** Ah me! Tolinger there, "
to drink deep and to dream in that sweet solitude" -- D. G. Rossetti. I say, alas! My fragile heart groans, wanting to stop, and to drink deeply in that sweet silence, sinking into dreams. **********************************************************
My cousin and I descended the stone steps, passing through a cemetery, a bamboo grove, and rice paddies, until we reached the ferry crossing, just in time to catch a ferry about to depart. The ferry sounded its whistle and moved slowly, its gunwales cutting through the river, creating trails and small whirlpools...
My cousin stood gracefully at the bow, the river breeze blowing, making her hem and sleeves flutter, like a goddess in the Ode to the Goddess of the Luo River. As the sun set, the crimson clouds reflected on the river and onto my cousin's face, casting a rosy glow upon her cheeks… I gazed at her beautiful face, somewhat mesmerized. Her eyes were fixed on the horizon, seemingly boundless…
I followed her gaze, and the setting sun, like a fireball, surged and roared at the edge of the sea and sky, making the distant waters appear to boil… Closer still were the vibrant red sunset clouds, and then my cousin's face. I seemed overwhelmed by the grandeur of nature, and captivated by my cousin's beautiful, rosy cheeks. For a moment, I was too moved to speak…
My sister and I disembarked at the Tamsui ferry terminal as the sun was setting. We found a restaurant and went in for seafood. I ordered some seafood haphazardly and a bottle of White Rose wine.
"They say it's best to drink some wine with seafood to remove the fishy smell," I explained, pouring myself a glass.
"Want to try it?" I urged. My sister seemed quite interested.
"Hmm! I'll give it a try!" I filled her glass too. She took a sip,
"Ah! It's not bad at all!! Like juice," she said, then downed the whole glass.
"Wow!!...Sis!...Drinking like that will get you drunk," "This wine has a strong aftereffect!!" I advised.
She gulped down another glass. "Hehe!!" she laughed at me, her cheeks glowing beautifully with the alcohol, and I couldn't help but stare...
My sister and I boarded a bus, ending our day's adventures. She seemed to have had a great time, laughing frequently, perhaps the effects of the alcohol were slowly taking hold! She was slightly tipsy and tired, and fell asleep on my shoulder... The bus bumped along the hill, her body relaxed against me, a delicate fragrance of youth slowly filling my nostrils. A gentle evening breeze blew, her hair fluttering and lightly brushing my face, a ticklish sensation slowly rising within me... I lowered my head and gently kissed her. She breathed steadily, her eyes slightly closed, seemingly unaware. Her heaving breasts were right in front of me. I swallowed, the slight lingering effects of the alcohol seemingly dissipating in the cool breeze, but the desire within me slowly rose and swelled...
I peered at her neckline, which opened and closed with the swaying of the bus, and could vaguely see her flesh-colored bra. I mustered my courage and gently unbuttoned the first button, revealing her entire alluring breasts before my eyes... Her bra was flesh-colored, with some delicate lace on the cups, a simple design. A faux gemstone glittered between the two bra cups… I became a little excited… Her breasts were vaguely visible through the edge of the bra. I tried to recall what kind of youthful body was wrapped in this constriction? I used my hand, through her clothes, and with the bumps of the car, I pretended to accidentally touch her breasts, feeling the material of the bra and the texture of her flesh…
As the sun set, my dark kingdom began to take over. The war drums of my adrenaline pounded, urging my animalistic nature to awaken… The defenses of morality and love crumbled step by step, and the needs of lust launched another assault, hoping to achieve a great, decisive victory. Lust was like a river flowing downhill, unstoppable…
*********************************************************** Body dry as firewood, staring like fire but unable to burn, he scorched himself--Great Adornment Sutra ************************************************************
I staggered and helped my sister upstairs. She was drunk and I had to carry her on my back. I wrapped her arms around my neck, supporting her hips as we climbed the stairs. Her soft breasts and buttocks stimulated my senses, and my palms sweated slightly… She murmured, her words incoherent…
“I love you so much… why…”, followed by a series of incoherent utterances…
Was she referring to me? I wondered.
“And she was with someone else… lying to me…” I broke out in a cold sweat… Was she talking about me and Xiaojie? I finally managed to open the door and enter the living room.
“Ugh…”, she vomited all over me. Helpless, I carried her to her room, hastily wiped away the vomit with paper, and spread her out on the bed. I went to the bathroom, changed out of the clothes she had vomited on, thinking that my cousin was always very clean, so she must be drunk to have vomited like this. Which bastard broke her heart and got her drunk? I shrugged, filled a basin with water, and helped her wash up.
I unbuttoned her clothes, and her breasts, which I had peeked at in the car, were fully exposed. I gently stroked her, feeling the texture of her breasts through her bra. I noticed her vomit had gotten on the edge of her bra and a little bit on her breasts. A surge of curiosity drove me; I wanted to take advantage of the situation. So, I pretended to help her wipe her body. I reached behind her back and unhooked her bra. Her breasts bounced out, as luscious as ripe peaches. I gently wiped away the vomit, then gazed at her shapely breasts, unable to resist gently caressing them. Her supple, youthful flesh trembled… I gently moistened them with my tongue and kissed them… Ah!!… This body I had longed for day and night!!… It was my cousin's!!… She seemed to be fast asleep, which emboldened me.
I unzipped her pants and tried to pull them down. In her half-drunk state, she twisted her legs to accommodate me. Before me lay my cousin's naked body, her upper body bare, clad in a Wacoal flesh-colored thong, high-waisted with intricate patterns; the lace details revealed a hazy black glimpse, seemingly provoking my senses…
A wave of sticky lust washed over me, so I gently turned her onto her side, carefully pulling her thong down to her knees, then back to her front, gently and quietly removing the last restraint from her body.
I gazed at her mysterious valley. Her pubic hair was small, abundant, curly, and glossy black; I gently stroked it with my hand. At that moment, I felt a swelling, uncomfortable urge in my lower body, so I also pulled down my pants. My penis stood erect, the tip wet, as if begging for contact with my sister. I gently stroked her pubic hair, two fingers tracing down the deep valley… It was my sister's mysterious palace! ...I cried out in my heart with joy...Under the touch of my fingers, the moat seemed to become moist...I couldn't help but gently touch and wet her with my tongue...My sister seemed to sense something and twisted her body slightly...I tasted a strange sweet and sour flavor that I had never tasted before, and her lower body exuded a rich, passionate scent that stimulated my senses...My brother was already on the verge of tears from pleasure...I gently pressed my brother against her cervix, gently sliding and rubbing, feeling an experience I had never had with Xiaojie...A surge of desire rushed through my heart..."Insert it!!", "Insert it!!"...Her lower body was already overflowing with juice, as if welcoming the entry of the scepter...My mind went blank...My lower body rubbed faster...
"Yumin!!...No!!", she groaned in a nightmare...
*********************************************************** Wine stains on clothes, words in poems, line after line, always with a sense of desolation, the red candle pities itself, with no good plan, the cold night sheds tears for others -- Yan Jidao. My
cousin's soft call struck me like a thunderbolt. I trembled violently, as if electrocuted. All my desires vanished, replaced by a strange wave of self-reproach and regret…
"Yu-min!!" "Yu-min!?" "Yu-min??" Why him!? …My heart was filled with a mixture of pain and self-pity…
"You're not Yu-min!!" I asked myself painfully.
"She's your sister!?" I struggled internally.
"Do you remember the vow you made at the hospital?!" I blamed myself.
"Have you forgotten Xiao-jie??" Xiao-jie's smile flashed through my mind like lightning.
"Do you love her?! Aren't you trying to hurt her now?!"
"What if I take her body?!"
"Will you be happy?!… Will she and she be happy??"…The tearful, sorrowful expressions of my sister and Xiaojie vividly surfaced in my mind… the nightmares of the past seemed to reappear. After several internal struggles, desire seemed to have surrendered its armor, and a sudden clarity washed over me. I abruptly stood up, pulled the blanket up for her, and gently kissed her lips. Like a knight going into battle… she seemed to have escaped the nightmare and was having a sweet dream, a faint smile on her lips… I left a note on her desk:

"Sister: Because you got drunk last night and vomited all over yourself, I had to take off your clothes and clean you up. Please believe me, I did not do anything to violate you...
Xiao Xiong."
While writing the note, she felt a strange lump in her throat, and a tear fell, blurring the character "Xiong"...

(13):He looked towards the misty waters, forgetting each other

... ****************************************************************
Can yet the clease of my true love control, suggested
as forfeit to a confined dom. --shakespeare Even the clease of my true love control, though it presupposes sacrifice to a destined demise. ********************************************************** I woke up at ten in the morning, the struggle of passion last night felt like a dream. Sunlight streamed in through the window, illuminating the room. This must be what they mean by "the sun shining on your butt"! After washing up, I strolled to the dining room and found a freshly toasted bread and a glass of milk. Underneath the glass was a note from my cousin:
"Xiao Xiong:
Thank you for everything you've done for me.
Your breakfast is on the table. I'm going to class. Go play by yourself!
Ru Zi."
Looking at the elegant handwriting on the note, my cousin's smile seemed to appear in my mind, and I could still smell her fragrance in the air. She usually addresses me as "sister," but today she's using "like" instead. A slight confusion lingers, yet a sweet feeling washes over me. I ponder the events of last night, which seem somewhat unreal, like a dream I couldn't recall afterward. Like Zhuangzi's butterfly dream, waking with a sudden doubt about my own existence. It wasn't until I washed my hands in the bathroom and found the undergarment I'd changed for her that I refuted my doubts. I turned it over, inhaling the lingering scent of her skin, as if reliving the night before.
I asked myself, if I had the chance to do it all over again, what would I choose? I don't know! I really don't know! I just can't be as natural with her as I am with Xiaojie. Thinking of Xiaojie, a sense of guilt rises within me.
With this strange feeling of remorse, I nervously call Xiaojie, asking her to meet, unsure what I'm trying to explain or make amends for.
***********************************************************Last night I received your letter, and I was so embarrassed. How could I reply? All the past hurts so much, I'm speechless with sadness. -- Chen Mingyu. Speechless with sadness **********************************************************
I mounted my new motorcycle, floored the gas pedal, and sped towards Tamsui.
Xiao Jie, head down, hugged my waist tightly, pressing her chest against my back as if tickling me. Her face, pressed against my neck, occasionally rubbed against me, and she occasionally giggled. She seemed very happy to be out with me today; I thought back to this time yesterday, on the mountain across the river, she was probably singing with her cousin. I couldn't help but hum softly...
"Outside the long pavilion, along the ancient road, the fragrant grass stretches to the horizon..."
"What song are you singing?" Xiao Jie asked with great interest,
"At the ends of the earth, at the corners of the world, half of my friends have passed away..."
"Nothing! Just a song from my childhood," I replied.
"Did your teacher teach you this? Why didn't we teach you?" she asked, pouting.
"A friend taught me," I said, falling silent... A friend? Was she really a friend?
"Oh!... It's quite nice, can you sing it again?" she pleaded...
Feeling a pang of guilt, I tried to appease her, as if atonement. So I started humming again. The sun had been obscured by dark clouds; it was probably about to rain! Guanyin Mountain on the opposite bank was shrouded in mist, as if it were brimming with moisture. I suddenly remembered a painting by Xi Dejin, with an almost identical composition, conveying the feeling of an impending storm, perfectly captured in his watercolor brushstrokes. Where had I seen that painting? I thought back, and suddenly a chill ran through me—it was in my cousin's room! The image of Guanyin Mountain reflected in the Danhai Lake was blurred, but its reflection transformed into the face of a woman. A fierce wind stung my face, howling loudly. Xiaojie clung to my back, practicing the melody she had just learned…
Yet, at this most inopportune moment, I found myself thinking of my cousin.
*********************************************************** A robe stained with wine, where in this world can one find true love? -- Nalan Xingde. *Huanxi Sha* **********************************************************
The motorcycle crossed rice paddies and farmhouses, startling egrets into flight. I suddenly turned onto a small path. The asphalt road had become a stone-paved industrial road. The motorcycle lurched forward, Xiaojie clinging tightly to me, as if afraid of falling. As the motorcycle slid down, it kicked up sand and dust, creating a cloud of smoke. This road seemed untouched for a long time; many birds were startled from the surrounding grass. After passing through the dust, a picturesque scene unfolded before my eyes.
"Ah!! It's the sea!!" Xiaojie jumped out of the car excitedly.
After parking the car, I took off my shoes and socks and followed her to the beach.
This was a beach that had not yet been polluted by tourists. The soft sand felt comfortable underfoot, and the waves lapped at our feet with a cool spray. Xiaojie and I walked easily on the beach. The tide surged in with tremendous force, but broke into countless white waves as it approached the shore. After washing away everything on the beach, it would merge back together. But were these the same waves?
I wondered, was my body like the tide, able to be redeemed after falling into the darkest abyss and breaking into countless pieces, then integrating into a complete soul and rising again? I couldn't help but be stunned by the thought...
"Don't walk so fast!!" Xiaojie complained,
"What are you thinking about?!" She pouted, looking adorable.
I stopped abruptly, feeling embarrassed, and waited for her, taking her hand as we strolled slowly. Long, blurred shoulders were left on the sand.
"It's so beautiful here!!" Xiaojie exclaimed.
"I wish we could live here forever!!"
"What do you want to eat?" I asked with a smile.
"Fish! You go catch fish, I'll cook. We can go home as soon as we catch enough fish each day!" Xiaojie answered earnestly. I couldn't find the words to refute her beautiful dream.
Yes!! A simple life, simple goals, the ideal itself is to live well… I felt a surge of emotion at her simplicity. Deep in my heart, it seemed I had lost this pure joy for life. Reflecting on myself, as I grew older, it wasn't entirely about becoming mature and worldly, but rather a process of cocooning and alienation!! Distancing myself from others, distancing myself from myself, forgetting the ability to be moved, losing the ability to dream, only proving my existence through repeated physical desecration and violation. Honestly, what am I pursuing? " Isn't that a bunch of question marks?!
" she said happily. "We can have a bunch of little babies!! That would feel even more like a home!!"
Home? Shackles? The word gradually became clearer in my mind...
Boom!! Lightning, like a dragon, split the sky in two, the sea breeze suddenly picked up, the sea surged, and water birds flew into the windbreak forest. The world seemed to change color.
"It looks like it's going to rain!!"
Before I could finish speaking, large raindrops began to fall, accompanied by rumbling thunder, as if they were about to grab us.
Xiaojie and I ran quickly, the raindrops stinging our faces.
"There's an abandoned bunker ahead, let's go take shelter from the rain!!" I grabbed her hand and ran.
By the time we entered the bunker, we were both soaked to the bone. Fortunately, the bunker was quite large, and there were many dry branches on the ground. I picked up some, took out a lighter, and lit it. Xiaojie came over to warm herself by the fire.
"Now we really have to stay here!!" We smiled at each other.
The flames slowly burned after catching the dry branches. Dry wood, blazing fire. The bunker gradually warmed up, giving it a feeling of springtime warmth. The red firelight reflected on Xiaojie's slightly flushed cheeks, flickering and dancing. Beads of sweat slowly condensed on her delicate nose. She reached up to brush away the stray strands of hair, a few sticking to the back of her snow-white neck from the sweat. I looked at her, feeling both familiar and strange. Xiaojie poked at the fire, turned to look at me,
her expression a half-smile. I felt a surge of emotion, and couldn't help but embrace her from behind, gently touching her soft, supple breasts. Xiaojie leaned against my chest as if boneless. I gently slipped my hand inside her collar; she closed her eyes, the firelight reflecting on her rosy cheeks, making her breathtakingly beautiful. I gently played with her breasts; her body trembled slightly, seemingly intoxicated by my caresses. I lowered my head, my lips covering hers. A jolt of electricity shot through her tongue, accompanied by waves of saliva, and my whole body trembled… I gently removed her restraints, spread my jacket on the ground, and slowly laid her down. I slowly removed my clothes, my little brother standing erect, like a cactus long deprived of rain. Xiao Jie, watching, became shy and closed her eyes again. I gently kissed behind her ears, her neck, her breasts, her mounds, teasing her private parts with my tongue. She twisted her waist, seemingly resisting, yet also welcoming. As she swayed to its maximum amplitude, my little brother gently slid into her private parts… She responded with the utmost tenderness and moisture…
I abandoned my usual intense and vigorous release, instead treating her with the gentlest care; Xiao Jie's breathing gradually quickened, and I took the opportunity to roll over, letting her take the lead in this gentle assault… After a fierce and rapid thrust, accompanied by a sudden clap of thunder from the sky, I ejaculated all of myself, nourishing Xiao Jie's flower…
Both bodies seemed still unsatisfied, indulging in the satisfaction of having tasted this primal desire. Xiao Jie lay languidly on my chest, playing with my chest hair. Afraid she'd catch a cold, I gently pulled her coat over her shoulders and softly stroked her earlobe. The world seemed to slow down, to stand still… After a long, long time, Xiaojie suddenly asked me,
“Xiong!…Do you love me?”
I seemed stumped by the question, hesitated for a moment, and then answered uncertainly,
“Of course I love you!”
Looking down, I realized she had already fallen into a deep sleep in my arms; what I had just asked was merely a murmur. But this murmur, like fine needles, repeatedly pierced my heart. Did I love her?…
Outside, the wind and rain had stopped, leaving only a few drops of rain on the steps.
***********************************************************From now on, I'll forget you in the misty waters—Wong Jim. Forget you in the misty waters **********************************************************
The heavy rain had just stopped, and a misty haze slowly rose from the sea, merging with the water, creating a hazy, unreal scene.
Further away, sparse fishing lights shone through the distance. A sudden pang of tenderness rose in my heart for Xiaojie. I lowered my head and kissed her forehead. She slept soundly in my arms, a smile still lingering on her small face...
The sound of fishing boat motors could be clearly heard in the distance, mixed with a soft song, intermittent yet with a faintly discernible melody... It was Liu Wenzheng's "Promise"
"I once made a promise to you..."

(14): After a thousand sails have passed, none of them are

************************************************************ Oh, lift me as a wave, a leaf , a cloud! If all upon the thorns of life
! ibleed!
--p. s. shelley Oh! Take me away, like a leaf, a wave, a cloud!
I fell on the thorns of life, my blood flowed all over my body!
**************************************************************
If life is a song, there are high-pitched and stirring moments, low and lingering moments, laughter and sorrow, and also the repetition of melodies. I would rather put a pause here, at what I consider the most beautiful melody; but alas, whether you like it or not, life goes on, even proceeding in a sorrowful rondo.
Wavering between two women, between love and desire, I gradually learned what I should choose, what I should give up, at least at that time, after returning from my trip to Tamsui. I decided to suppress my feelings for my cousin, or rather, my twisted infatuation! Let it go with the wind. Open my heart, let Xiaojie's love fill it. However, as always, the pain and setbacks in life often creep up on you when you least expect it. What you take for granted, or what should be, is no longer the same under the trials of real life. The myth of Prince Charming and Snow White is rare in this world; if you want to find it, go to fairy tales!
Time flies, and my four years of university life quickly came to an end amidst the changing seasons. My relationship with Xiaojie had its ups and downs, but it progressed smoothly overall. My feelings for my cousin, however, seemed to fade away after she graduated, went to work elsewhere, and moved away from my family. But love stories unburdened by real life, like many stories you've heard, crumbled under the pressures of time and space, despite vows of eternal love, leaving only another sad memory…
*********************************************************** I found your lost notebook, filled with your longing for a woman. With the waves and the sunset, I gently read your story in a trembling voice…
--Du Shisan. Legend **************************************************************
With graduation, I, not being a very diligent student, naturally wouldn't pursue further education. So, as expected, I enlisted in the army, while Xiaojie, too, stepped out of the campus to become a fresh graduate. Being trained at the recruit training center gave me, who had been pampered since childhood, my first glimpse into the real and dark side of society. During the leave before being assigned to the army by lottery, I couldn't wait to go see Xiaojie and ease my longing.
Xiao Jie, dressed in a fitted, reddish-brown dress, emerged from her home with a beaming smile; while I, with a buzz cut, seemed to have lost all my usual confidence and arrogance. Looking at Xiao Jie and then at my own clumsy appearance, I felt a pang of self-consciousness. Xiao Jie, however, took my hand, just like in college, and we strolled naturally to the riverbank. It was nearly dusk, and the setting sun shone on the Xindian Creek, its shimmering waves reflecting the shimmering reeds along the banks. We sat on the riverbank, catching up on each other's lives. Xiao Jie happily talked about her new job, her boss's embarrassing moments, and the fun she had with those lecherous older men; while I, as if from another world, seemed to live by only a few grammatical rules:
"had been fucked, be fucking, and will be fucked"
... Compared to her vibrant life, mine seemed empty and dull. So I could only be a quiet listener, sharing in Xiaojie's excitement and giggles. The setting sun shone on her face, her smile unchanged, but a sense of loss gradually crept into my heart. I didn't know why, perhaps it was the regret of no longer being able to walk through life hand in hand with her!
"Look, the sunset is so beautiful!" I pointed to the afterglow on the horizon, fiery red like flowers.
"Hmm... " Xiaojie smiled.
"Xiaojie, I was thinking... if I get discharged from the military, how about we get married?"
"Hmm... we'll see! We're still young!" She hesitated and lowered her head.
"Hmm, it also depends on how well I find a job!" I smoothed things over, a little regretful for pushing her into such a sensitive topic.
"Xiaojie! Do you remember that time I took you to Tamsui?"
"You said you wanted to stay by the sea, that I would fish and you would cook..." I changed the subject.
"Hmm... we were so naive back then!" she replied, a little absentminded.
"But I think simple thoughts are nice too!!" I laughed.
"Yeah! But real life isn't that easy!" she laughed too.
I suddenly felt a pang of surprise. When did that girl who used to love daydreaming so much become so accustomed to reality and talking to me about it? Had I missed something? A sense of loss washed over me. The setting sun cast its glow on her beautiful face, and I couldn't resist kissing her cheek. Just as I was about to take things further, she brushed my hand away.
"Let's go! It's getting late!!" she laughed, skipping ahead as she walked.
Watching her shadow grow longer, I felt a chasm widening between us; on the other hand, I felt a deep sense of powerlessness. A crow cawed, its silhouette against the setting sun intertwining with the reeds on the bank, creating a beautiful yet somewhat melancholic scene. I thought of Van Gogh's painting, a crow flying over a wheat field. Suddenly, an ominous premonition silently crept into my heart.
***********************************************************An old shirt, past its expiration date, a rugged road of life, flying here and there, you pick it up and wear it, your body will never be separated again -- cold sleeves. Flowers bloom but not at the right time. **************************************************************
Drawing lots, assigned to the army. The god of fate sent me to an outlying island. As soon as I arrived, the cold monsoon winds felt like they were about to blow me away. Huddled in a dripping tunnel, a damp and musty smell filled the air, and by the second night, the quilt was soaked with sweat. In the busy and boring construction and training, I began my days of counting steamed buns. As I became more familiar with the people and environment, I began to get used to this male-dominated world, masculine, dull... I learned to use their terms to curse people, curse the sky, curse the earth, curse myself... When people face a common enemy, it is easy to develop a sense of shared hatred, and friendship with others seems to grow in this shared experience of suffering and strife. Every night, on days without guards, after downing half a glass of strong liquor, I would curl up under the covers, trying to recall her face, recalling the past, hoping to drift off to sleep. The past events were still vaguely clear, but her face was becoming increasingly blurred, and I seemed to be drifting further and further away from those days, my love far away…
The happiest moment was receiving a letter. Xiao Jie would still excitedly tell me about the vibrant and colorful aspects of her life in her letters. A happy, fresh-faced newcomer to society, she had plenty of youth to squander; while I was just a rookie, clutching a gun and counting my meager earnings. Before falling asleep, in the dim light of a flashlight, her smiling face would vaguely appear on the letter; the days of guard duty. I tucked the letter into my bosom, gazing at the stars in the sky, as if she were nestled beside me, sharing the legend of the Cowherd and the Weaver Girl; in the damp quilt, I recalled all that we had shared, my mind solely focused on her, offering my brother the gentlest comfort… In that fleeting moment of warmth, I felt as if I could still feel her body temperature and touch…
*********************************************************** All the romance, the chaos of the world, and the tender moments are contained within this book, neatly arranged on an aluminum bookshelf, bound in thread and sealed with a veil—Du Shisan.
The 45th steamed bun: "My dearest Xiong: I dreamt of you again tonight. When I woke up, the moon was bright and clear, a crescent moon like a hook. I thought of that old song—Moon River. Thinking about it, I wet my pillow with tears!! A year and ten months is such a long time!! I wish you were lying next to me!! I ca n't
sleep, Jie."
The 106th steamed bun: "Xiong: You've been in the army for a while now. I wonder if you've adjusted? Do you miss me?
A few days ago, I passed by Zhongshan North Road, and the maple leaves had turned completely red. The whole road looked like it was on fire... I slowly strolled to the art museum and saw many pigeons eating on the ground. I felt very happy. I was about to turn around and tell you, but then I realized you weren't here...
Is it cold in Kinmen? Take care of yourself! I miss
you, Jie."
The 202nd steamed bun: "Xiong: I hope this letter is well!
The end of the year is approaching. Today, I went to Dihua Street with my mother. It was so crowded, it was a bit too much." The taste of the New Year. You used to play with me during the New Year, but I probably won't this year. I'm sure
I'll be so bored!! There's a colleague named Chen Zhizhong, three years older than me. He kept bothering me when I first joined the company, which was a bit annoying. Later, I told him I already had a boyfriend, and he just grinned and said that a girl like me probably has more than one boyfriend. That made me so angry, I rolled my eyes at him. What an annoying person…
I counted for you, this is the 202nd steamed bun.
Love, Xiaojie.
(320th bun) Mantou: "Xiong: I got yelled at by my boss at work today. When I got back to my seat, I spilled tea all over the table. Looking at the mess, I thought of you again, and a wave of sadness washed over me, and tears started flowing uncontrollably. But Chen Zhizhong rushed over and helped me tidy up the table, handed me a handkerchief, and comforted me. Later, he even taught me how to deal with the boss… He didn't seem so annoying today, probably because I noticed his eyes looked a lot like yours!!
His eyes were red and clear…
" Mantou #351: "Xiong: Hello! Today after work, I went to see a movie with Zhang Wenying, Cai Zhenguan, and Chen Zhiwen. It was *The Sixth Sense*. Zhang and Cai both cried. Zhiwen saw my red eyes and handed me a handkerchief, gesturing for me not to let them see. It was really funny. The movie was quite romantic, but I wondered, does such emotion really exist? I thought of you when I was trying to sleep last night, so I quickly got up to write you a letter. But it feels like you've disappeared. Really, I can hardly remember what you look like anymore. Missing you, Xiaojie."

I frantically replied to her letters, three a day, trying to grasp or salvage something, yet a vague sense of loss lingered in my heart. I just couldn't believe that four years of feelings could be so fragile and easily broken…
During my first vacation back in Taiwan, I wrote to Xiaojie, but received no reply for a long time. Back in Taiwan, I learned she had gone to Italy with her colleagues. A wave of disappointment washed over me; why hadn't she told me? A growing sense of loss, accompanied by a hint of jealousy, was gnawing at my heart. Later, I went to see my cousin. After not seeing her for several days, she seemed even more mature and beautiful. That faint smile from before still lingered on her face. I poured out my longing and affection for Xiaojie to her, and she simply smiled gently, comforting me. As we talked, my emotions calmed down considerably. Suddenly, I felt her face possessed a certain holiness, like the compassionate Guanyin. Remembering my past feelings for her, my cheeks involuntarily flushed.
Returning to Kinmen after my holiday with a mix of trepidation and excitement, I received a letter from Xiaojie: "Xiong: Happy to receive your letter!
I'm so sorry I wasn't there when you came back. I went with colleagues, and the itinerary was planned a long time ago. I'm sorry for the change due to personal reasons, so I can only apologize to you!
This trip to Italy was very enjoyable. I saw many works from the Renaissance era that you often told me about, such as those by Michelangelo and Raphael, and we even went to Rome. That Chen Zhiwen was so much fun! Although he doesn't know much, he loves to make up funny stories. I guess everyone lets their guard down when they're in a foreign place! Maybe I can introduce you to him sometime...
Xiaojie had a blast!"
As if in revenge, I deliberately didn't reply. She didn't reply either. A month, two months passed, and I started to feel anxious. After dinner, under the dim light, I hurriedly wrote her a letter, apologizing for the missed email due to work. I felt a strong sense of loss, like I was about to lose my loved one and was powerless to do anything about it…
Two weeks later, I finally received her reply: “Xiong: I really don’t know how to tell you this. I don’t even know myself how or when it started. You should know Chen Zhizhong, right? My feelings for him seem to have gone beyond just being ordinary friends or colleagues. If I don’t see him for a day, my heart starts to ache for him, just like I used to feel for you. He’s not handsome (not as handsome as you), not tall, and a bit chubby. He doesn’t understand many things, but he’s very good to me, really very good to me. He spoils me. If he has any quality that you don’t have, I think it’s a kind of generosity.” Forgiveness, understanding, and gentleness!
My relationship with him developed naturally and gradually. He cared for me deeply, showing concern and warmth, and before I knew it, I had given him my heart. By the time I realized it, it was too late. To you, I can only say, I'm sorry, please forget me, okay? After all, we've been together for quite a while, and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. I'm willing to bear all the mistakes and accusations, and I believe you'll find a girl a hundred times better than me... I wish you all the best!
If possible, let's still be good friends, okay?
Xiao Jie."
My hands trembled, a thousand and one impossible thoughts flooded my mind, but I forced myself to tell myself that this was just a terrible nightmare, and everything would be the same when I woke up. That nightmare from many years ago, Xiao Jie turning away with tears in her eyes, her sorrowful expression still vivid in my mind... I could only cry out helplessly. But tonight, facing this heartless letter, I feel like fate is playing a cruel joke on me. Maybe Xiao Jie just sent it by mistake! Helpless and self-pitying, I didn't even have the strength to cry, or even to do anything. I just wanted to fall into a deep sleep...
The instructor knew what had happened and invited a few people to a table to comfort me. I drank heartily, patting my chest and promising, "I, Xiong, am a true man! There are plenty of fish in the sea, why be hung up on just one?" In the end, I got completely drunk, vomiting all over the place, but I didn't cry. A few brothers stayed with me, seemingly afraid I might do something rash. I continued to count my steamed buns every day, do drills, do construction work, laugh and rant, just like before. The company commander was afraid I might do something drastic, so he didn't dare make me stand guard. I simply slept every day, or just spaced out. I was completely dazed, like a walking corpse. Brothers with experience in mutinies comforted me, advising me to have a good cry, but I only felt a dryness in my heart, and I just couldn't cry...
***********************************************************After washing and dressing, I lean alone against the river tower, watching a thousand sails pass by, none of them are the one I seek. --Wen Tingyun A month
later, feeling I had recovered, I took out Xiaojie's letter and photo and burned them in the backyard. Suddenly, I understood Lin Daiyu's feelings when she burned her books. I felt my past connection with Xiaojie was over, and there was nothing more to say. Besides, didn't I not like her very much in the first place?! I told myself that I could find another woman like her; I shouldn't be so stubborn, and should be a happy wolf! Seeing that I had returned to normal, the platoon leader assigned me to guard duty.
That night, as I stood guard, the sea breeze was cold, a crescent moon hung in the sky, and fishing lights twinkled on the sea, reflecting the stars in the sky. The vast sky and sea were desolate. In the flickering light of the fishing lights, my hazy eyes seemed to see the magnificent outline of my hometown's Central Mountain Range, appearing at the horizon, then transforming into Guanyin Mountain, Datun Mountain, the Danshui River, my mother's face… Xiaojie's face!! In that dreamlike moment, a fisherman's song drifted in from the sea, intermittent and vaguely familiar... It was Liu Wenzheng's "promise"!! ...
My tears finally flowed uncontrollably...

(15): In the dream, I did not know I was a guest

****************************************************** You are the woman I cherish. In the last century, she died for love with poetry. Her body was covered with fine scars -- Chiang Hsun. Died for love ******************************************************
Someone told me... love is like a glass of wine... He said drink it... don't frown... because it won't burn your tongue... nor will it burn your mouth... drink it... don't think so much...
If love is wine, after I have tasted its sweetness and richness, the sediment at the bottom of the glass is bitter and spicy. When I was twenty-three years old, after serving in the army for one year and two and a half months, I tasted the true flavor of this glass of wine for the first time... A hangover is a headache, and the pain is unforgettable, but if you have never tried it, you will never know its true flavor. Xiao Jie's "Dear John" letter made me doubt the so-called reality of love, even life itself. I don't know what is eternal? What is unchanging? What can be grasped?
If disillusionment is the beginning of growth, this disillusionment with love didn't make me grow; it only pushed me from one side of the scale to the other. I was like a drowning person, after Xiao Jie let go of my hand, bobbing up and down several times, only to be grabbed by another hand. When I looked up... it was my cousin. After drinking the first cup of wine, I greedily drank another cup of bitter juice...
****************************************************** You see those scars that never heal—becoming birthmarks on the road to the afterlife, like flowers blooming and falling, so you can recognize them—Chiang Hsun. Suicide for Love ******************************************************
After my relationship with Xiao Jie ended, I was depressed for a while. I could only keep myself busy through work to cool the pain in my heart. Gradually, I grew increasingly indifferent, becoming more apathetic to external people and events, turning a deaf ear to the changing seasons. Sometimes I wouldn't utter a single word, spending the whole day in a daze. It was a process of cocooning, weaving a cocoon to wrap myself up and let the wounds heal slowly. Others couldn't hurt me; and I wouldn't hurt others. The price I paid, however, was the dissipation of my passion for life…
Just when I was at my lowest point, like when I fell as a child, my cousin reached out her hand.
It was a routine afternoon of construction work. Back at the company, I found a letter on my bed. On the rectangular envelope, my name was written in delicate handwriting, a handwriting that seemed vaguely familiar. Having not received a letter in a long time, I felt a pang of confusion and bewilderment. I eagerly opened the envelope, pulled out the light green letter paper, and a faint, sweet fragrance wafted into the air. It was from my cousin.
"Xiao Xiong: I'm delighted to receive this letter!!
How have you been lately!?
It's been raining a lot lately, a dreary, drizzling rain that's quite annoying. How are you over there?
Is it windy? Is it raining? Take good care of yourself.
My work is going fairly well; I just help the boss with the accounts and write some business documents. If I ever had any grand ambitions, they've been almost completely worn down by this monotonous life. You're not far from being discharged; you should start thinking about what you want to do in the future. If you still don't have a clear idea, you might consider going back to school. You're the only son in your family; your aunt and uncle may not say it, but I know their expectations for you." Yes, that's true.
Xiaojie came to see me once. I'm very sorry about what happened to you... There are eight kinds of suffering in life: the suffering of being with those you hate, the suffering of being separated from those you love, the suffering of not getting what you want... As your older sister, I can only advise you to think more positively. There are plenty of fish in the sea, though it's an old saying, it still applies to you. When you're feeling down, look at the blue sky and white clouds, calm your mind, and when you look back, you may find it all much easier...
Best wishes! This
seemingly
casual letter, like a stone thrown into the stagnant lake of my heart, stirred up ripples that spread outwards, eventually creating a monstrous wave that almost overwhelmed me.
****************************************************** Atonement with lotus flowers on the banks of the River of Eternity -- Chiang Hsun. A Love Suicide ******************************************************
I saw my cousin again a month after she was discharged from the military. She worked for a company in Taoyuan and rented an apartment.
Walking out of Taoyuan Railway Station, I saw her standing at the opposite roundabout, waving vigorously at me. I greeted her with a smile. She was wearing a light green dress today, her smile unchanged, but now with a touch of mature allure.
"Hmm...you've gotten stronger!" my cousin teased.
"..." I smiled but didn't reply, just looked at her. She seemed a little embarrassed.
"Let's go!! Let's eat, and I'll take you out to play!" my cousin changed the subject.
"Hmm..."
We grabbed a quick bite near the train station, hopped on the Taoyuan Bus, and headed straight for the beach.
There were few passengers on the bus, and I sat next to her. The bus sped along, a cool breeze blowing in through the window, making her long hair flutter. The countryside outside rushed past, a sea of green stretching as far as the eye could see. She gazed out the window, silent, her beautiful face reflected in the car window, appearing and disappearing intermittently. I looked at her in the car window; she seemed somewhat blurry and unreal. The pastoral scenery and her face intertwined, then suddenly transformed into Xiao Jie's face… that face I had long tried to forget… I stared blankly, a feeling stirring within me, my thoughts surging…
“What’s wrong?! You look so pale?” my cousin asked.
“Nothing… probably just carsickness!”
“People who’ve been to the outer islands still get carsick…” my cousin laughed.
“Hmm…”
We got off at Guanyin and strolled towards the beach. The soft sand felt strange underfoot, as if you couldn’t be sure if the next step was solid or unseen. Two long rows of footprints were left on the sand.
"Isn't the sea I saw on the outer islands enough? You still bring me here to see the sea?!" I smiled wryly.
"What can I do?! I've been in Taoyuan for so long, and I still don't know where else to go for fun."
"Besides, the benevolent find joy in mountains, the wise find joy in water!" my sister explained.
We sat down, and the sea breeze carried the salty scent of the summer sun. We chatted about everything that had happened since we last met. Talking with my cousin felt different from talking to Xiao Jie. I didn't have to hide anything, nor did I worry about hurting her. I simply recounted my joys, sorrows, and pains, naturally and without pressure. That intimacy allowed me to take off my mask and speak frankly about everything in my heart. I talked about my ended relationship, and I was no longer agitated or heartbroken, only bewildered… Was my heart dead, or had the past truly faded away? Or was it that my male pride was still secretly suppressing my tears?
My cousin comforted me with her kind understanding… The evening breeze blew, her hair fluttered, and her fair face reflected the sunset, radiating understanding and tolerance… I recalled the day I went to Tamsui with Xiaojie, but Xiaojie's face was now blurred…
I knew I was still hiding something, a love for my cousin that had long been dormant in my heart, slowly thawing and awakening…
****************************************************** I promise you eternal sunshine, the sound of water, the swaying of flowers, and another kind of contemplation—Chiang Hsun. A Love Suicide ******************************************************
It was evening when I returned to my cousin's house. She rented an entire floor, with a small living room and a small kitchen, elegantly furnished.
She was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen, while I watched TV in the living room. A little while later, she came out smiling, carrying the dishes.
"Dinner's ready!!"
"Wow!! So much food!!" I exclaimed.
"It's like your older sister is treating you to a welcome dinner today!!" She smiled gently
as we sat facing each other. There were four dishes and a soup on the table, along with a bottle of wine.
"Xiao Xiong, have a little today," she said, pouring me a glass of wine and herself a glass of juice.
"And you?" I asked, puzzled
. "I can't drink. I was terrified when I got drunk last time!" she said, a blush spreading across her cheeks. I thought of that day, and a wave of emotion washed over me.
I shoveled rice into my mouth, and my sister helped me pick up food, and I helped her. Gentle music played from the radio. A wave of happiness washed over me, and for a moment, we felt like a young married couple.
"Sister..."
"What is it?"
"I wish my future wife would be like you!"
She chuckled softly... her smile was radiant, and my heart fluttered.
"Is that a compliment?"
"I'm serious!!" I said earnestly,
"After serving in the army, you've become quite the smooth talker, so I'm punishing
myself with a drink." She smiled playfully as I downed my drink in one gulp... then refilled her own.
"Hey!! Don't drink so fast, if you get drunk, your older sister won't be able to pull you away,"
I looked at her, and for some reason, I felt a little tipsy.We ate and drank, and soon we were full. My sister cleared the dishes, and I helped her wash them while she cut fruit. I went back to the living room, nestled on the sofa, and watched TV. Turning around, I saw her pretty back; she was intently cutting watermelon, her long hair styled up and coiled behind her neck, revealing her snow-white neck, slender figure, long legs, and bare feet in slippers. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but I seemed to see Xiaojie's back, that familiar body, and my eyes blurred… Was it Xiaojie? After finishing the fruit and watching TV for a while, my cousin urged me to take a shower. "You'll have to sleep on the sofa tonight!!" she said shyly. "It's okay! Sleeping on the sofa is very comfortable!" I replied, and went into the bathroom.

I turned on the tap, and the hot water washed over my entire body, feeling comfortable and languid. The strange sensation from before seemed to have subsided. After showering and drying myself, I noticed my cousin's clothes in the laundry basket. A surge of excitement and curiosity welled up inside me… It had been so long since I'd seen my cousin's underwear… I couldn't help but squat down and examine the items in the basket. Finally, at the bottom, I picked up a pair of pink panties… Wacoal… The lace on the panties seemed to be revealing the secrets of my cousin's youth… My penis stood erect, and I couldn't help but gently rub it with the panties, the slight seepage staining my cousin's skin… But a strange sense of guilt accompanied a gentle pleasure… I gently put the panties back in the basket…
(Am I really such a beastly man!?)
I asked myself, gave a bitter smile, and turned the tap back on, letting the cold water wash over my genitals… The lust that had risen within me seemed to slowly cool down. I dried myself off again, and when I went to get dressed, I realized I hadn't brought my underwear. With no other option, I wrapped a towel around my lower body and came out.
The TV was still on in the living room, but I didn't see my cousin. She'd probably gone out! I walked towards the sofa, only to find her asleep against it, probably exhausted! I quietly took out my clothes, intending to go back to the bathroom. But when I looked down, I was shocked to find her neckline wide open... I swallowed hard, secretly feasting my eyes on this breathtaking sight. Her two firm breasts were encased in her bra cups, with about a third exposed. Her cleavage was faintly visible. The bra was also Wacoal, with intricate lace... the style seemed familiar... Yes!! Xiaojie had the same style; it was a birthday gift I gave her!! …My heart began to flutter, and her image blurred in my vision… It seemed as if Xiaojie was asleep. I teased her playfully as usual… I gently slipped my hand inside her collar… playing with her soft, elastic breasts.
My cousin gasped! In a panic, I hastily covered her mouth, lost my balance, and tumbled over the sofa, pinning her down, my scarf falling off. My cousin was stunned, seemingly not understanding what had happened. My mind went blank, I felt my whole body heat up, my lower body swelling, feeling a surge of desire about to erupt… The
intense lust drove me, and in my daze, I couldn't distinguish whether the person I was pinning down was my cousin or Xiaojie… I simply slipped my hand inside my cousin's skirt, tracing it up her smooth thighs to the base, where her panties bound her desire. My hand rubbed and kneaded, pulling her white panties down to her knees, then lifted her skirt, revealing her mysterious valley and forest before my eyes. My heart pounded wildly, as if it would leap out of my mouth. She began to struggle, her waist twisting wildly. I grabbed her hands with my left hand, pulled down her panties with my right, and, holding my long-erect penis
, thrust wildly into her paradise… “No!!” she cried, struggling and twisting, trying to break free of my clutches.
I was like a wild beast seizing its prey… and she struggled hopelessly… my penis was already aimed at her palace, ready to charge in, when suddenly, one of her hands broke free of my grasp and grabbed my penis… In that instant, I felt a surge of pleasure in my lower body, a dizziness rushing to my head, and a gush of fluid spurted from my penis… my spurt sprayed onto her lower abdomen, soaked her hands, and broke her heart…
****************************************************** In dreams, unaware of being a guest, indulging in fleeting pleasure—Li Houzhu. Waves surged on the sand. ******************************************************
I felt no pleasure, only deep regret and self-reproach, as if I had done something terrible. I held her like that...and wept with her...I just kept saying in her ear, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...My heart was filled with unspeakable sorrow.

(16):Parting is easy when spring breezes begin

****************************************************** When a sorrowful woman departs alone, do you think the body can atone for the beautiful sins of the soul? -- Chiang Hsun. Past Fate ******************************************************
I held her tightly, trying to squeeze out words of comfort from my mind, but found myself at a loss for words. She tried to break free of my embrace, but I held her tighter. Her tears streamed down her face… At this moment, what could I do? Should I continue my beastly ways, or retreat to the beginning… But… is it even possible to retreat to the beginning?
I could only weakly whisper in her ear,
"Sister... I love you!!"
"Sister... I'm sorry!!"
"Sister... forgive me!!"
She suddenly stood up, her tear tracks dried, her face frosty, biting her lower lip.
"This isn't love!!" she said through gritted teeth, each word distinct.
"You just want to possess me!!"
"But I'm not Xiaojie!!"
Her expression was sorrowful, on the verge of tears, and I felt as if I had been struck a heavy blow.
"No!!"
"I've always loved my cousin!!" I protested, but felt my body slowly growing cold.
"I love you!!" I sobbed.
"No!!" my cousin said fiercely,
"This isn't love!!" Her delicate brows furrowed, tears glistening in her eyes.
"I'm just a substitute you're desperately looking for after losing Xiaojie!!"
"If it were any other woman today, you would have done the same!!"
Her words pierced my heart like a sharp blade. A sharp pain shot through my chest, my mind went blank, and I felt that life had lost all meaning... I could no longer hear what my cousin was saying. I grabbed the fruit fork from the table. My cousin seemed startled by my sudden action and took a step back...
I raised the fork high and then said, word by word:
"If I betray my cousin, may I suffer this fate."
I plunged the fork into my left palm. A piercing pain made me dizzy... Before I even saw my blood spurt out, everything went black, and I was completely disoriented...
****************************************************** I know that you and I have a past life connection, a curse from God, and praise from God -- Chiang Hsun. My past life ******************************************************
I don't know how long I slept, but the dream felt incredibly long... I dreamt that my cousin and I were walking on a dark path, her hand in mine. I felt something was off... my cousin had grown up, but I was still a little kid! A wave of panic washed over me, and I tightened my grip on her hand, but she pulled away and ran off. I cried out after her, calling, "Sister!!...Sister!!" But she wouldn't turn back, just kept running further and further away... Helpless, I crouched down, the darkness around me like a monster closing in, a deep fear engulfing me... I could only wipe my tears and snot... and slowly walk towards where my cousin had run. I don't know how long I walked, but when my legs ached unbearably, I saw my cousin's back in the distance, walking slowly ahead of me! ...I quickened my pace, and started jogging, running towards her. When my cousin saw it was me, she bent down... I threw myself into her warm, soft bosom. She picked me up, and I was about to scold her... but she said,
"What's wrong, Xiao Xiong? Aren't you grown up yet?!"
I was startled, and when I looked up, I saw that it was myself who was holding me, only my face looked much more haggard and aged...
I was so shocked that I was covered in sweat.
"Take this step, and you'll die," I said angrily, my eyes wide,
before slamming me down... I screamed, my hands flailing wildly, but I couldn't grab anything; my body just kept falling, falling...
What truly woke me was the stinging pain in my left hand wound. Opening my eyes, I found myself lying on my cousin's bed. My left hand was bandaged, though it throbbed slightly. Sunlight streamed in through the window, carrying a faint, sweet fragrance. I surveyed my surroundings: a pink silk quilt covered me, a small wardrobe, a small desk, and a vase of blooming cosmos flowers on the desk. Further away was a window, its curtains drawn, a pale green. Outside, the sunlight was bright, and the clouds sparkled.
I sat up and realized I was wearing underwear. I got out of bed, put on the clothes on the edge of the bed, and went to the desk, only to find a note lying on it:
"Xiaoxiong:
You did something foolish last night... I'm heartbroken!!
I understand your feelings for your cousin, but it's impossible for us.
Please believe me, this is just a strange attachment to the opposite sex that you developed after losing Xiaojie. This kind of infatuation can't withstand the pressure of time, morality, and ethics.
As for you, besides familial love, I don't know if I can make room for your other feelings.
I'm not prepared or confident.
Just like when we were little, I can never bring myself to be angry with you. But I don't know how I'll feel when I face you again. So, let's separate for a while!!
I hope that during this time, we can both sort out and calm our feelings. Clarify the difference between familial love, friendship, and romantic love. I also hope you will think carefully and give up this wrong feeling. I will also try to forget all these unpleasant things; perhaps then, we can still be good siblings who can talk about anything."
I hugged the note and read it over and over again, but I didn't know how to answer her question. I only felt a dull ache in my wound, but I didn't know if it was my hand that hurt, or my heart...
****************************************************** We all have thousands of winding, difficult-to-climb mountains and rivers hidden in our hearts. We can't find our way by following two lines of tears. -- Du Shisan. Scars ******************************************************
I met Xiaojie again three months after my hand injury had healed.
It was early autumn, and I was wandering aimlessly in the East District. In the crowded streets, people came and went, but I didn't know where to go. The loneliness in my heart found no solace in the bustling crowd. Suddenly, a familiar figure flashed into my eyes—it was Xiaojie!!
Xiaojie probably noticed me at the same time, and smiled at me, a smile that was both familiar and strange.
"Long time no see!!" I said
. "Yeah! Long time no see!" she replied.
"..."
We were both silent, a little awkward. She broke the silence first:
"Want to find a place to sit?...Are you...busy?!"
"No way! I'm unemployed!"
Xiaojie smiled, and we strolled forward, crossed the street, turned into a small alley, and entered a coffee shop.
Before entering, I glanced at the sign.
The coffee shop was called "Lingering Old Feelings."
****************************************************** Madam, please unfold carefully when reading this, lest you hurt my naked desires -- Wu Deliang. Letter ******************************************************
The interior decoration was postmodern, giving a desolate and decadent feeling. Taking the opportunity to look around, I scrutinized her. Xiaojie had become thinner, and her face had become more pointed. Her still somewhat childish face now had a touch of office worker's competence. Today she was wearing an apricot-yellow suit, her hair combed back, making her look much more mature. When she saw me looking at her under some pretense, she smiled at me, a radiant smile. We chose a corner seat and sat down.
"You...work around here!?"
"Yeah! On Dunhua North Road.
" "So you didn't go to work today!?"
"Me?...I skipped work to go for a walk."
"And that...Chen..." I thought of his name.
"Chen Zhiwen!?"
"Yes! Yes!...I'm so sorry!...Why didn't he skip work with you?"
"Let's not talk about him today, okay? "
"Oh...I'm sorry," I lowered my head and sipped my Mandheling. The air seemed to freeze.
"Xiao...Xiao Xiong..." she called me timidly again.
"How have you been lately?" she asked cautiously.
"I'm fine! Life goes on..." I lowered my head and sipped my coffee again.
"Hmm...I really feel bad for you..." she lowered her head.
"Let's not talk about the past!!" I replied nonchalantly.
"That Mr. Chen... is he treating you well?"
"Hmm... he's been pretty good to me..."
"Oh... that's good!"
"And you?... Have you made any new... friends?" she asked tentatively.
"..." I took another sip of coffee; because it wasn't sweetened, a bitter taste slowly seeped into my throat.
"I want to!! Do you want to introduce me to someone?" I joked.
"..." She hesitated.
The woman before me was so familiar, yet so strange. Her every smile, every word, her young, smooth body—they had once filled my dreams; and now, though the memories remained, I didn't know how to face her. Yesterday felt like a lifetime ago; was she my love from a past life? Seeing her today, I felt utterly lost. If she once shared the sweet wine of love with me, allowing me to glimpse the wonders of passion, I should feel gratitude and tenderness towards her; but she left me when my heart needed her, leaving me alone to drink the bitter juice of heartbreak…
During that time, I resented and hated, but I didn't know who to blame or hate. In the end, I could only attribute it to the indifference of heaven and earth, to love without destiny. When love is a thing of the past, when emotions have dried and been archived, I, wrapped in layers of cocoon, find it difficult to rekindle the strings
of emotion. Even if I had the courage and the heart, the string breaks… who would listen?! My thoughts surged, and she before me grew increasingly unfamiliar; we could only remain silent. When I got up to leave, she insisted on paying the bill. But could this debt of emotion ever be settled?!
As we walked, we stopped in front of a building, and upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a hotel."Want to come in?" I asked half-jokingly, pretending to go inside. To my surprise, she lowered her head and followed me. "Sir, would you like to rest or...?" the waiter asked with a beaming smile. "Um... a room," I said, glancing back at Xiaojie. She was looking down, her cheeks slightly flushed. "And order a bottle of champagne."

Upon entering the room, room service brought champagne. Xiaojie and I each poured a glass and drank together. We revisited the foreplay we'd known for so long. Her cheeks were flushed, as vibrant as cherry blossoms, and her eyes shone with longing. As if teasing me, like returning to the past, she raised her legs and slowly pulled down her pantyhose. I put down my glass, approached her, and kissed her passionately. Her saliva sent a jolt through me, like an electric current, stimulating my tongue. I held her tightly, as if I could feel the touch of her firm breasts. My tongue, like a snake, greedily attacked her cherry lips; she reciprocated without hesitation. My hands roamed over her body, exploring, as if trying to rekindle the fading warmth of our flesh. They traveled down her spine to her full buttocks. With my right hand, I unbuttoned the front of her dress, pulled down her bra, and fondled her breasts, judging her excitement by their firmness… My left hand, not to be outdone, slipped inside her skirt, caressing her smooth thighs. When I touched her genitals, I could feel her secretions had already soaked her panties. Without hesitation, I pulled them down and began to play with her erogenous zone… The gushing fluids made my fingers slippery and wet. I pushed her down onto the bed, and with her increasingly heavy breathing… I knew she could no longer control herself. We greedily explored each other's bodies through our clothes… as if trying to make up for the awkwardness of our separation.
Suddenly, she pushed me away and stood up.
"Let's talk after I shower…"
She took off her outer clothes, removed her bra, and walked naked towards the bathroom. I had no choice but to temporarily suppress the lust she had ignited, lit a cigarette, and started smoking. She turned on the showerhead. Because the bathroom door was made of frosted glass, a hazy mist obscured her alluring figure, like a lotus emerging from the water.
I sat on an enormous round bed, looking up at a mirror—probably there to enhance "sexual interest"! Looking at myself in the mirror, I felt somewhat unfamiliar. I smoked, exhaling smoke, creating a hazy barrier between myself and my reflection… In the haze, I seemed to see that aged version of myself from my dream. For some reason, a nameless sorrow slowly welled up within me… I didn't know what I was waiting for. Was I hoping for another chance to mend the broken mirror? Or just another desire for infidelity? Or subconscious revenge against her? …Or perhaps simply a physical need? The sound of running water came from the bathroom, and the deep sorrow gradually spread… As if
making a decision, I stood up, straightened my clothes, left the room, and gently closed the door behind me.
****************************************************** Do not sing a new song of parting, for a single song can break one's heart. One must see all the flowers of Luoyang before
parting easily with the spring breeze. -- Ouyang Xiu. Jade Tower Spring ****************************************************** I walked out of the hotel, and a cold wind blew in my face. The autumn wind was chilly, sweeping up the yellow leaves that danced all over the ground. I couldn't help but pull up my collar and once again merged into the crowd, feeling something in my heart. Passing by a Western restaurant, I heard a deep and melancholy singing voice. It was a voice I recognized...
"This is just a game, a dream..."
"Don't leave your broken love here"...

(17): In the next life, do not be a love-struck fool

. ****************************************************** Your beauty and youth still make me sad, but what does my love have to do with you?
Chiang Hsun. Candle Tears Fade ******************************************************
That night, I jumped onto a southbound train on the eastern line and fled the city. I hoped this escape would allow me to clarify my emotions and bring some redemption to my life.
The train rumbled forward, but my thoughts still lingered on that basin. That basin where I had lived for so many years! It held all my memories, friends, joys and sorrows… it had long been a part of my life… it held everything about me and Xiaojie… and now it was like a smoke ring I exhaled, vanishing in the wind without a trace. I was somewhat surprised by my own coldness; facing Xiaojie, I could no longer rekindle the old feelings I once had. Was it truly the end of our past relationship? Or was my heartstrings broken, unable to play a heartfelt tune anymore? I chewed alone on the bewilderment stirred up by my reunion with Xiaojie, probably mixed with a trace of pain! I let the cold wind rush in through the train window, ruffling my hair.
Looking down, I glanced at my palm, gently touching the healed wound, and felt a faint ache. Looking out the train window, all was darkness, reflecting only my own image… but in the flickering lights, it transformed into my cousin's sorrowful, tearful expression. My heart ached, more intensely than the pain in my hand. Hand wounds heal easily, but what about the wounds in my heart?
My thoughts became chaotic, and a strong longing for her welled up within me.
The train stopped at a small station, waiting for another train to pass. I stepped off the platform, lit another cigarette, and began to exhale smoke. The night wind blew, cold and carrying a hint of the sea, cooling my chaotic emotions. I listened intently, as if I could hear the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean. This island nation, this land of mountains and oceans, was so familiar, yet so foreign to me! My chaotic thoughts were interrupted by the approaching train in the distance. After a whistle, a train slowly pulled into the station.
The train stopped on the opposite platform. I smoked, exhaling smoke. Through the smoke, I saw a vaguely familiar figure sitting by the window in the opposite carriage. Looking closer, I realized it was myself! Only much younger, youthful, naive, and coolly staring out the window. The woman sitting next to me offered me a drink, but her face was blurry and indistinct; she looked like Xiao Jie, or perhaps my cousin. My heart pounded, astonished by this unexpected encounter, and I involuntarily raised my hand, waving vigorously at him. The other me seemed oblivious to my presence, simply staring out the window, as if deep in thought. Youth, what is there to worry about? Perhaps it's just about composing new poems! The train whistle sounded, and I jumped onto the train, still waving vigorously. Just before the train slowly pulled away from the platform, he finally noticed me, smiled at me, and looked somewhat confused. The two trains slowly separated, heading in opposite directions, growing further and further apart… I still waved vigorously, as if bidding farewell to my past youthful years…
****************************************************** Tonight I brew a cup of wine with the sorrows of life to offer to the beauty of youth. Look, its color is as clear as tears!!
Chiang Hsun. Candle Tears Fading **************************************************
When I got off the train in Taitung, it was already early morning. I greedily inhaled the fresh air, rare in this basin, which filled my nostrils. The whole city had awakened from the morning tranquility and was bustling with activity. Sunlight sprinkled the ground, and I could almost smell the unique scent of the tropical south in the air. I wandered aimlessly in the market, occasionally squatting down to haggle with the vendors. It felt like I was back in my childhood, shopping at the market with my older cousin. As I wandered, the gloom that had accumulated in my heart gradually dissipated, replaced by a sense of fullness, a simple joy for life, even for existence itself. In this town, 500 miles from home, I felt less like a passerby and more like a returning traveler. In this unfamiliar market, I rediscovered the simple, pure joy of life itself that I felt as a child.
Distant memories became familiar again. In my moments of confusion and helplessness, with nowhere to escape, a long-buried voice called out to me, called out to me.
I bought a ticket to my hometown and boarded the train.
******************************************************Give me, girl, that fiery, eighteen-year-old heart beneath your clothes, where a sky-blue love resides—Dai Wangshu. A few words on the road ********************************************************
It was dusk when I returned to Chiayi. After getting off the Chiayi Bus, I walked along the paths of my hometown, and fragments of memories slowly flowed back with each step… the pond where I swam with Ah-Ming… the pine tree where I caught beetles with my cousin… the temple courtyard where I fought with Ah-De… the towering areca palm trees. I am like, I am, a wanderer far from home, covered in wounds from my journey, yet my hometown still extends its arms, offering me the gentlest embrace and support. As I walked, I unknowingly arrived at my old home, next door to my cousin's.
I hesitated whether to ring her doorbell, but the door opened. It was my aunt.
"Oh! Xiong-zai, it's you!! When did you come back?" my aunt asked happily.
"Just arrived!"
"Have you eaten yet!?... Ah!... You must not... Come in... Come in and eat."
She pulled my hand, and I went in shyly, but caught a glimpse of a
beautiful figure. I was so startled that my luggage almost fell to the ground... It was her... my cousin... Xiaoru. My aunt, seeing my dazed look, teased me,
"I thought you two had arranged to come back together!?"
"Oh... oh," I replied awkwardly. My cousin chuckled at my silly expression. She served me rice and handed me the bowl. My uncle was sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper, and I greeted him.
"Why are you back?" I asked softly.
My cousin gently pointed to my uncle. "My dad's old problem has flared up again!" she answered softly.
"Oh..."
"Then what are you doing here!?" my cousin asked.
"To see you!!" I answered softly and playfully.
A blush rose on her fair cheeks.
"Don't be silly!!" Her expression, half-stunned and half-pleasant, made my heart flutter. I could only lower my head and shovel rice into my mouth to hide the strange embarrassment in my heart.
"You're not eating any vegetables!" she said, picking some for me. I looked at her gratefully, while she regained her composure.
After hastily finishing my dinner, my cousin and I strolled to the edge of the pond and sat down on the embankment. A new moon hung in the sky, and autumn insects chirped. We remained silent, with only the sound of the tide lapping against the embankment.
"Didn't I tell you not to look for me?" she broke the silence, speaking softly.
"..."
Reflecting on myself, I hadn't intentionally come looking for her. Yet, under the strange pull of fate, our two lives, once connected by the island, converged in this place that held such significance for both of us. Was it fate's arrangement, or a meeting of minds...? I couldn't help but think of myself last night, at that nameless little station, when we met. And now, where has he gone, and where has he settled?
"Sister... Ru... actually..." I decided to confess bravely.
"I really love you..." she said, her head bowed, moonlight illuminating her face, her skin as white as snow. "
Over the years, my feelings have been up and down... I thought Xiao Jie was my true love."
"But little did I know, after many twists and turns... suddenly looking back, I found her right there in the distance," I said to myself. Sister Ru didn't answer, only staring intently at the surface of the pool.
"I'm returning the love I had!" I said affectionately.
"My love for Xiao Jie, now that I think about it, was mostly driven by desire."
"For you... it's not just brotherly love..."
"It's the kind of love that leaves you panicked and heartbroken after losing you."
"Sister Ru... I love you," my voice trembled, but I breathed a sigh of relief as I released the burden in my heart. The air seemed to freeze for a long, long time...
"Xiao Xiong... do you know what love is?" she said softly.
"I don't know... but..." I argued.
"If you can't even discern your own emotions, how can you expect others to feel or accept them?"
"We don't even know this word, yet we always talk about it, as if it's a catchphrase… This word… perhaps it takes a lifetime to learn, and we might not even know it by the time we die!" she said softly.
"My feelings for my cousin are genuine," I said firmly.
"I only know that without my cousin, I'm like an empty shell." A wave of sorrow washed over me, and I choked up, tears welling in my eyes.
"Xiao Xiong," my cousin said softly.
"I love my cousin!!"
"Xiao Xiong… listen to me…" she pleaded.
"I want to marry my cousin!!"
"Xiao Xiong… don't do this!"
Tears finally streamed down my face. I buried my face in my cousin's soft bosom.
"We… can't have a future together," she bit her lower lip.
"No! I want to marry my cousin… I love you…" I sobbed.
"I know your feelings for me... That day you pricked your hand, and in that moment I understood..."
"I just didn't know you were so deeply in love..."
"And I presumptuously tried to guide you... and the result..."
"In fact, do you know? My heart aches even more..." Her eyes glistened with tears.
"I also have feelings for Xiaoxiong... but... not the kind you think of..."
"Xiaoxiong has his future, and I have mine... our feelings..."
"You should know when to stop..." she said slowly, with a hint of sadness.
"You love your cousin, and your cousin loves you... but it's a wrong love!!"
"Wrong!?... If you're going to be wrong, then be wrong to the end!?" I said, tears welling up in my eyes, as if I had made a great decision. I sat up straight, and the moonlight shone down, faintly revealing the tear tracks on her face. She stared at me blankly, seemingly still pondering the meaning of my words.
My lips, trembling and fervent, covered hers. Tears streamed down, mingling with hers and mine, and I could almost taste the salty, wet flavor. I held her tightly, kissing her passionately, but she just kept her lips tightly closed… I teased her with my lips and tongue… She just kept her eyes closed, letting the tears stream down her face.Her fair cheeks were already flushed, as if resisting something. Seeing her sorrowful expression, I felt a pang of pity and was about to stop when her cherry lips parted slightly, and a warm, strange current surged from her... Her saliva, combined with her sticky, soft tongue, swirled and churned in my mouth. I felt a sudden, blank stare in my mind. Our lips intertwined, like two lovers who hadn't met in a long time, or like gods tasting forbidden fruit for the first time. Our saliva exchanged... we sucked each other's life-giving fluids. I felt dizzy, unsure if it was real or an illusion... Suddenly, as if remembering something, she pushed me away abruptly. "No!!" she cried, turning and running home quickly. I chased after her; the autumn insects were still chirping, but the new moon was already obscured by dark clouds. ******************************************************Hands parted, eyes still lingered, nestled between the standing night and the lying sorrow of separation—Du Shisan. Scars ****************************************************** At midnight, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep. My heart was filled with the events of the night. I mustered my courage, tiptoed downstairs, and quietly opened my cousin's door.

Her door wasn't locked. I gently opened it, slipped inside, and locked it again. Her soft, steady breathing told me she was fast asleep. By the light of the bedside lamp, I gazed at her face. Her fair skin was flushed.
Long eyelashes gently covered her bright eyes, complementing her small, delicate nose and slightly parted cherry lips. A pink nightgown peeked out from under the covers. I stared at her, a mixture of pity and desire. I couldn't resist gently leaning down and kissing her lips.
My cousin's eyes were closed, but the instant I kissed her, she returned a passionate kiss. Our lips met again, yearning for each other's touch. I pulled back the covers and slipped into her warm bed. I opened my mouth to speak, but her lips pressed down on mine again. My untouchable goddess, under my teasing, seemed to transform into a wanton, amorous woman. I held her tightly, my hands roaming restlessly under the covers. I kneaded her back, buttocks…thighs, breasts…and the mysterious mound between her legs. My cousin kissed me passionately, and I guided her hand down, down, down until it touched my already erect penis.
My hand also gently slid into her pajama bottoms, and through the narrow panties, I could almost feel the moisture on her petals… My
cousin also gently played with my penis, and under the gentle stimulation of her hands, the tip of my penis was already slightly moist. Desire filled my body, and my fingers slid into my cousin's moist paradise, gently caressing this youthful body I had dreamed of. I wanted to remove her clothes, but she shook her head, only allowing me to tease her from a distance.
"Don't push your luck," she whispered in my ear, making me itch.
I could only intensify my attack on her petals; she, not to be outdone, also accelerated her teasing of my penis… Her head was slightly tilted back, and beads of sweat condensed on her nose. Her slightly parted cherry lips uttered a soft call of desire, accompanied by heavy, rapid breathing… Her face was flushed, more beautiful than a flower, incomparably beautiful… I felt the desire within me accumulating, swelling, swelling… In the most passionate moment… it erupted!!
****************************************************** Tears stain my clothes, may I never be a lovesick fool in another life, for heaven and earth cannot bear the weight
of longing—Kuang Zhouyi. Washing Stream Silk ****************************************************** The passion gradually cooled. A scent of desire filled the air. I pulled the covers up, turned and hugged her tightly, kissing her face. A feeling of unreserved release, accompanied by languor and a sense of liberation, slowly spread. Her face was still flushed, but now with a hint of bewilderment. Her dark eyes flickered, and I hugged her even tighter, kissing her. She turned away, and I held her, kissing her neck. I felt her body tremble slightly, as if she were crying. After a long, long time, I heard her ask:
"Were we wrong?"
"Of course not!" I answered decisively.
For some reason, that question mark grew larger and larger, filling my heart. Were we wrong or not, I really don't know!!

(18)A Spring of Tears Speaks of Desolation

****************************************************** As I encourage your desires, those desires lead you to the love of the highest good, and there is nothing else to desire. -- Dante. Divine Comedy ******************************************************
Taking advantage of my cousin's upcoming long weekend, I pestered her to go to Alishan with me. To my surprise, she agreed, which made me ecstatic. Deep down, I secretly considered it my "honeymoon" with Ru-jie... a journey I will never forget.
We bought tickets for the little train, but because it was a holiday, there were no seats, so Ru-jie and I had to stand by the door. The train moved smoothly, and after passing Zhuzaki, it began to climb a hill, slowing down. Bright sunlight streamed in, interspersed with sparse, slanted leaves, creating a dazzling, hazy scene. The air was filled with the scent of the mountains; the mountains were calling... Ru-jie and I remained silent, seemingly captivated by the changing scenery. I looked at Ru-jie; her gaze seemed fixed on something, so close yet so far. I stared at her, as if in a dream.
Soon, the train passed through the first tunnel. A sudden darkness descended. Taking advantage of the chaos, I grabbed Ru-jie's hand. At first, she struggled, then resignedly, obediently letting me hold it… Her soft, delicate hands were slightly damp with sweat. I smiled at her, and she returned a faint smile. I leaned closer, wanting to whisper something to her, but she warily turned her head away. I smiled awkwardly again, and the next darkness swiftly descended.
Taking advantage of the darkness, I kissed her cheek, a fragrant scent filling the air. After passing through the tunnel, I still stared at her, feeling a little apologetic for my abrupt kiss. But her expression was ambiguous, her eyes gazing into the distance, somewhat dreamy. Her fair cheeks were flushed, alluring and inviting. I squeezed her hand. She glanced at me, pouted, and feigned anger, displaying a girlish demeanor that made me both love and pity her. As the car passed Fenqi Lake, the sky was clear and bright. In the distance, amidst the lush greenery, a few splashes of pink appeared.
"Look!! Cherry blossoms!!"
Sister Ru exclaimed joyfully. I, too, happily searched for the beautiful silhouettes of the flowers. Cherry blossoms bloom and fade in just a few days, and how fortunate I was to arrive at the right time, to witness the most beautiful moment of their lives. These beautiful flowers, in their limited lifespan, strive to unleash all their life force, blooming into the most delicate and captivating blossoms; then, at their peak, they fade away, returning to the earth. I wonder if my love affair with Sister Ru will be like the cherry blossoms, brewing for so long, only to wither and fade quickly, leaving behind only a season of memories? Thinking of this, I felt a sudden silence, as if I had grasped something, yet feared I would eventually lose it… A strange, premonition-like sense of loss made me hold her hand tightly… For no reason, a line of poetry came to mind:
“Fallen petals are not heartless things, they turn into spring mud to nourish the flowers.”
******************************************************** All the events, after blooming on the branches, have become fruits and fallen onto the rain-soaked muddy road—Du Shisan. The carriage ********************************************************
Arriving at Alishan, we first looked for a place to sleep. Because it was a holiday and we had come at a sudden time, almost all the rooms were booked. We finally found a hotel with a room available, but there was only one room. I booked it. As soon as I closed the door with Sister Ru, I couldn’t wait to embrace her. Sister Ru struggled and scolded me angrily:
“You little rascal, what are you doing!?”
“Kissing my bride!!” I said mischievously.
"Kiss...kiss your head!" she said shyly, lowering her head, her face flushed like cherry blossoms, making her even more beautiful.
I couldn't help but hug her tightly and lower my head to kiss her. She struggled, shaking her head, until my lips covered hers, then she seemed to resign herself to her fate, closing her eyes tightly and letting me kiss her.
"Sister Ru...you smell so good!!" I couldn't help but praise her.
She pushed me away,
"You little rascal!!"
Then she chuckled, her expression charming, making my heart itch unbearably.
We packed our luggage, had dinner, and it was already dusk. Night falls quickly on the mountain, and gusts of mountain mist rise, bringing a chill. We grabbed flashlights, put on our coats, and Sister Ru and I decided to take a night walk by candlelight.
The night in the mountains is a strange experience. The familiar paths during the day seem like traps everywhere at night. Night is a completely different realm, while the day controls half of it. Under the cover of night, the giant trees resembled nocturnal beasts ready to seize people, exuding a slightly eerie and terrifying aura. Combined with the pervasive mountain mist, dew, and cold wind, this added a touch of excitement to our nighttime stroll.
Walking along the trail with Sister Ru, I led the way, taking her hand as we carefully navigated the steps because the path was slippery. Holding her soft, delicate hand, I felt a warmth. We walked and walked… until finally, we were alone in the vast forest, like a lost couple.
“Aren’t we going to get lost?!” Sister Ru asked worriedly.
“Hehe…probably not!” I laughed.
“It would be so embarrassing if we had a mountain accident here,” I joked, making Sister Ru laugh too.
We continued walking, the forest silent except for the low chirping of autumn insects and our increasingly heavy breathing. I noticed Sister Ru’s pace slowing, so I suggested,
“Ru…would you like to rest for a bit?” She nodded, taking out a handkerchief to wipe her sweat.
I wiped my brow with my sleeve, but she handed me the handkerchief.
"Use mine!"
"Still don't know how to carry a handkerchief?"
"You're such a child."
I smiled at her, wiping my face with her handkerchief, a delicate fragrance filling my nostrils.
"It smells so good..."
"Can I have it?" I asked jokingly.
"Give it to me," she said, pretending to snatch it, and I quickly stuffed it into my pocket.
"I'll buy you a dozen tomorrow."
"Who wants your stuff?" she said, making a face, her shy expression making my heart flutter.
The fog slowly rose, covering everything. The surrounding darkness, shrouded in fog, became even more profound. Suddenly, I looked up, and a new moon hung brightly in the sky. Only then did I notice that there was a pool in front of me, which I hadn't seen before. The moon's reflection rippled in the pool.
"This must be the Sister Pools!" I muttered to myself.
A wisp of smoke rose from the lake, and people were making noise in the pavilion in the pool, but separated by the water, it seemed distant and indistinct. Sister Ru stared intently at the lake, seemingly lost in thought…
“Then…we’re siblings’ pool!” she whispered.
“No!!” I looked at her.
“We’re husband and wife’s pool!” I said firmly.
I walked forward, took her hand, and whispered,
“Didn’t I say I’d be with Sister Ru for life?!”
She shook her head…hesitating to speak…I gripped her hand tighter.
“Xiong…you dare to speak so loudly, to make such a firm vow…”
“It’s because you’re still too young…you don’t know how to cherish every word you’ve said…”
I wanted to argue, but she continued.
“One day, you’ll realize how much responsibility a single word carries.”
“You might not mind that the person who hears it believes it to be true, and you might even have to spend your whole life fulfilling it…”
“So…don’t make promises, don’t make promises too easily…”
“And don’t trust other people’s promises too much…” Her eyes stared blankly into the distance, unfathomable.
I suddenly thought of Xiao Jie…what happened to our vows, our promises of eternal love? ...Only a faint sense of peace remains...and...the pain that strikes in the dead of night...? Looking at Sister Ru, a wave of gratitude welled up in my heart.
"But...I really mean it to you, Sister Ru."
"I..."
"I know," Sister Ru nodded, "I know everything..."
"That's now...but what about later!?" she asked, and I asked back.
I couldn't think of an answer, or any words to reply to her, so I just hugged her tightly and kissed her lips. She no longer ran away, but simply closed her eyes and let me kiss her...I vaguely heard her say...we'll talk about it later!?
After resting for a quarter of an hour, we continued walking. To ease the awkwardness from before, I deliberately told her some funny stories, making her laugh several times along the way. As we walked, we arrived at the Sacred Tree area. We used our flashlights to identify the names of the trees, and then began to comment on these old men of trees.
"I've got it! I've got it! This one's called 'Eternal Union'!" I joked, turning to look at Sister Ru, but the name of the tree brought her back to her reverie.
"Sister Ru... what's wrong?!" I asked with concern.
"N-nothing... nothing!" she said, lowering her head.
"What's wrong?!" I pressed, only to find her face turning deathly pale, her eyes shimmering as if she were about to cry.
I quickly went to her, took her hand, and softly asked,
"Remembering something?" She nodded, and tears began to drip onto my shoes.
I gently embraced her, softly saying,
"It's Xiao Xiong's fault for making Sister Ru angry, Xiao Xiong is bad... he deserves a beating," I coaxed her, pretending to hit myself.
Unexpectedly, she began to sob in my arms... her body trembling. I gently patted her back and remained silent.
Perhaps when a person is at their most vulnerable, nothing else matters but a shoulder to lean on.
I helped her sit down, and she continued to sob, her tears soaking my chest. I took out her handkerchief and gently wiped away her tears, softly comforting her. After a long silence, she began to tell me her story.
She had a very close boyfriend, two years her senior, who lived in Minxiong. He was an only child, and his family hoped he would study abroad after his military service to bring honor to the family. He deeply loved her and treated her very well. The only drawback was his strong temper, probably because he was an only child and took many things for granted. He demanded that she marry him and go abroad with him. As for him, she couldn't figure out her feelings for him—was it true love, or just a matter of not disliking him and naturally wanting to be with him? She wanted to go with him, but she was worried about her father's health. The thought of marrying him so soon and leaving home was too much for her. The two remained deadlocked. The boy, for Ru-jie's sake, kept delaying, finally losing his temper and giving her an ultimatum. Unfortunately, Ru-jie was the type who wouldn't respond to force, and the two had a falling out. Ru-jie had come home this time partly because of her father's illness, and partly to avoid him. Who knew that at her most vulnerable moment, I would barge in… and
as I listened, my heart felt empty…
"Ru… sister, so… do you still love him?" I asked tentatively.
"I don't know," she said softly.
"And me?" As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted asking such a stupid question.
"…", she remained silent.
"Of course you do!!" I answered for her, but felt a little guilty."Let's go!" she said, standing up and walking forward. I followed. The crescent moon above the distant treetops was dim and slightly hazy; the stars twinkled; the sky... a light drizzle. *************************************************** All love and affection arise from causes and conditions; meetings and partings are impermanent and fleeting. Now, as your mother, I constantly fear for my own safety; life and death are many, my life as fragile as morning dew. **************************************************

Back at the hotel, both of us were exhausted after the night's outing and the mix of joy and sorrow. I quickly showered, then snuggled into bed to watch TV. My sister smiled at me, grabbed her clothes, and went into the bathroom. The water was running... a cloud of steam slowly filled the air. I quietly approached the bathroom door and found that my sister had only lightly closed it, but hadn't locked it. Through the crack, I could see her flawless body naked in the steam, the showerhead spraying water onto her youthful flesh, making her look like a lotus emerging from the water. I felt a surge of desire rising within me, and I could no longer restrain myself. I pushed open the door, ignoring my soaked clothes, and rushed forward to embrace my sister tightly.
My sister seemed startled and was about to cry out when my lips sealed hers. I turned my head to kiss her, my hands kneading her shapely breasts, vaguely feeling them swelling and hardening... Hot water rushed down, soaking my whole body and filling my mouth and nose... But I didn't care, because I no longer needed to breathe... As long as I could be with her... Water flowed down her cheeks, making her flushed face look radiant. I caressed her entire body, her mouth, nose, breasts… her private parts… She became excited, removed my already soaked pajamas, and began kissing me, from top to bottom… I was completely intoxicated by the gentle teasing of her tongue… I felt as if I were floating on air… She kissed lower and lower… approaching my penis…
The water continued to surge, steam filled the air, and in the hazy mist, I suddenly felt an unprecedented pleasure coming from my lower body… She was actually gently kissing my penis with her cherry lips… A tingling pleasure surged like a tidal wave… My body began to tremble, but she intensified her attack on my penis… Oh… my goddess…
I gently rubbed her ears, but she had already knelt down… The sound of water roared, the mist filled the air, was it the spirit of water that I was playing with?… A sudden wave of pleasure rushed to my head, and I felt dizzy…
“Like…”, I couldn’t help but cry out.
In an instant, my desire erupted completely…
**************************************************** We have walked through nothingness and wandering, we have walked through a world of decadence and despair. Can beauty bring relief? -- Chiang Hsun. Candle tears flow *****************************************************
I lay in bed with Sister Ru, and after chatting for a while, she fell into a deep sleep. Only I tossed and turned, unable to sleep because of the passion we had just shared. The fragrance of her hair kept wafting over, teasing my desire. Although my penis had been defeated in the passion in the bathroom and was now curled up docilely, in a dormant state, I knew that my physical desires were constantly being fueled and replenished, and that it would rise again once the fuel was exhausted. I counted sheep, turned over to check the time, then turned over again to hug Sister Ru tightly, inhaling her scent and the fragrance of her hair.
An hour, two hours, three hours passed, and I was still sleepless. So I turned over… and snuggled closer to Sister Ru. I slowly rolled up her nightgown, revealing the back clasp of her snow-white bra. I gently unhooked it, and the bra loosened. Reaching inside, I explored her breasts, soft and easily held in my hand. I played with her nipples, gently pinching and rubbing them… My penis seemed to respond, slowly hardening. I reached down, through her soft panties, and explored her deep forest… She rolled over onto her back, seemingly still asleep. My left hand moved down again, until it reached her vulva. I stroked her soft, curly pubic hair, gently caressing her intimate area, and soon felt a slight dampness.
I simply rolled over on top of her, doing a push-up, and gently unbuttoned her blouse. In this way, her beautiful breasts were once again exposed before my eyes. Seeing that she was still asleep with her eyes closed, breathing evenly, I mustered my courage and gently pulled down her pants. Her snow-white panties were revealed, and through the lace, I could glimpse the hazy black part... her forest... This erotic sight finally made my brother rise again. I slowly pulled down her panties until they reached her knees. I gently tapped her entrance with my hand... then with my mouth and tongue... The gradually overflowing moat, whether a reflex or a sign of desire, I couldn't help but gently kiss her face and lips... and gently caressed her entrance with my little brother... Her breathing gradually quickened, and soon she opened her eyes, her expression a half-smile. Her lips were slightly parted, as if she was having trouble breathing... I removed all her clothes.
"Like..." I called softly.
"Mmm..." she gasped, as if suppressing something.
"Give it to me, please?" I pleaded.
"..." she smiled without answering, her expression as beautiful as a flower.
Soon, I heard her say in an almost inaudible voice,
"You...bad boy!!"
My little brother, as if receiving a command, launched an attack on her paradise. I excitedly wielded my scepter, fiercely thrusting in and out of her palace… She also moaned wantonly, I gasped for breath, the air thick with the scent of desire. I lifted her up, her legs wrapped around my waist, swaying violently up and down… Our intertwined bodies seemed inseparable… A dance of limbs unfolded, accompanied only by heavy, labored breathing… in this night of desire. **********************************************************
Spilled wine, dripping tears, a lingering song, fan words, playing with flowers, the fragrance of dancing clothes lingers, a spring of tears speaks of desolation—Yan Jidao. *Huanxi Sha* **********************************************************
We entwined and rubbed together with all our might, as if only through the union of our bodies could we ensure the unity of our hearts. Sweat kept seeping from her body, each bead condensing on her nose and sticking to her temples... Sister Ru's eyes were hazy, her cheeks flushed red... She seemed completely immersed in this game of desire... I felt my whole body heat up, a warm current surging through my body along with pleasure... My little brother felt swollen and about to burst, as if it were about to overflow... Suddenly, an unprecedented feeling rushed to my head, as if all the energy in my body had been released, exhaustion, pleasure, pleasure, exhaustion... Overwhelming... I trembled... I wanted to scream!!
Sister Ru seemed to have reached her climax at the same time, her whole body trembling, her mouth emitting suppressed, pleasure-filled low moans. I held her tightly, savoring the pleasure and languor after the passion with her.
In this moment when the passion subsided and cooled, for some reason, I had the illusion that the person lying next to me was not Sister Ru, nor Xiao Jie, ... but a goddess I had never known or had known for a long time!?

(19)Following the flowing water to the ends of the earth

****************************************************** All love and affection are impermanent and hard to sustain; life is full of fears, and life is as fragile as morning dew. From love arises sorrow; from love arises fear. If one is free from love, there is neither sorrow nor fear
. ****************************************************** In the early morning, everyone was busy watching the sunrise. Only Ru-jie and I seemed still intoxicated by the intimacy of the previous night, snuggling together in bed. We embraced each other, kissed, and intertwined our hearts and bodies, unaware that dawn had broken.
After checking out, before the crowds surged in, Ru-jie and I strolled through the forest recreation area, walking in the morning dew.
The path we walked last night felt so different today. A thin layer of morning mist hung in the air, birds chirped and insects hummed, the air was cool, and the light filtering through the leaves was faint and indistinct. We walked in silence, lost in our own thoughts, unwilling to break the tranquility with words. The ground was damp with dew. I walked hand in hand with Sister Ru, and she smiled at me, a smile that captivated me… This morning, this road… How I wished time could stand still; I secretly hoped we could get lost in these mountains, severing our path back to the mortal world… I wished to be the Cowherd, and she, would she be my Weaver Girl? Lost in thought, I almost stumbled.
We boarded the highway bus together. I knew this brief reunion might be ending, and a pang of reluctance gripped my heart.
The bus sped along, and I sat next to her. She turned her head and leaned on my shoulder, still holding my left hand in hers, fast asleep. I gazed at her delicate face, content and serene, a stark contrast to her wild and unrestrained demeanor of the night before. Perhaps last night truly was the Weaver Girl descending to earth? She suddenly shuddered, and I looked at her tenderly, taking off my coat and draping it over her shoulders. I looked out the window; the bus sped forward, the sky darkened, and soon a light rain began to fall. Raindrops pattered in, splashing onto her hair like broken pearls. I quickly closed the window. Soon, the scenery outside blurred, and a hazy mist rose from the window. I scribbled on the window with my finger, remembering the games I played with Ru'ai during the plum rain season of my childhood… Unconsciously, I wrote countless "I love you"s, large and small, filling the window… I stared blankly, watching the mist condense and drip down, seeping through my words. Soon, large raindrops pounded on the car window, and the "I love you" I wrote blurred, eventually disappearing one by one... The rain continued to fall, like a lover's tears.
Thinking about the future, a trace of sadness welled up in my heart, but I didn't know how to suppress it. I could only stare blankly at her, holding her hand tightly...
******************************************************* Suddenly, something white landed on you. At first, you thought it was snowflakes falling from the branches. But then, you finally realized with surprise that it wasn't snow at all. What had been hidden from you for so long was actually beautiful spring flowers—h. Heine. Snow turned into flowers **********************************************************
Returning home with Sister Ru, I discovered that her boyfriend had followed us and was chatting happily with my uncle and aunt. My uncle introduced us, and I shook his hand, but a surge of jealousy rose within me. He was very refined, wearing gold-rimmed glasses, and standing next to me, he was a head taller than me. Sister Ru looked at him, seemingly surprised and embarrassed by his visit. Lunch began in this strange atmosphere.
"Yumin, you're not really a guest anymore, don't be so polite!" my uncle greeted him warmly.
"Oh... Uncle, you're too kind, I can do it myself," he replied, as my uncle picked up a piece of fish for him.
"Xiongzai, you can do it yourself too..." my uncle smiled at me.
"Oh, oh... I can," I replied, but looking at him, I couldn't help but feel a surge of jealousy. I secretly hoped he would make a huge mistake, embarrass himself in front of Ru-jie and his family, while Ru-jie just kept her head down, eating her rice, her face pale.
After the meal, he and Ru-jie went out. I stayed inside, chatting with my uncle, but my heart was hanging on them. I felt a chill slowly spreading through me, a premonition of losing my loved one creeping into my heart. I tried to explain to my uncle about Ru-jie and me, but I found myself unsure how to express it, how to express it... and afraid they wouldn't accept it... Yes!... Would they accept it!? My uncle kept talking about how good Yumin's character was, how excellent he was academically, and how he voluntarily postponed his opportunity to study abroad for my cousin... He seemed to have made some kind of decision... I felt a sense of powerlessness, like a hopeless football team facing the world champions... But I couldn't, and I wasn't willing to lose!!
My chaotic heart only calmed down a little when Rujie returned. I kept trying to talk to her, but she seemed to be deliberately avoiding me, even her eyes avoiding my questioning gaze. I suppressed my discomfort and could only force a smile to deal with my aunt's well-intentioned concern. After dinner, I finally had a chance to be alone with her.
We strolled along the riverbank again. I was full of questions, but I didn't know where to begin. Until she broke the silence,
"Xiaoxiong, forget about me, okay!?" she pleaded softly.
That soft voice struck me like a thunderbolt, and I trembled uncontrollably. A wave of heartache and sorrow, self-pity and despair, washed over me.
"..." I felt a lump in my throat, almost unable to breathe. After a long, long time, I managed to squeeze out,
"Why...why?"
My sister lowered her head, as if she had done something wrong. I noticed her eyes were moist. She bit her lower lip,
"We...can't...continue down this wrong path..." Two streams of tears finally flowed down her cheeks.
I looked at her, speechless, wanting to say something, but it all seemed superfluous...and tears welled up in my eyes too...I reached out to take her hand, and she let me hold it, letting me caress my face with her palm...
"Is it because of him!?" I asked her, a pang of jealousy rising within me.
She shook her head, then lowered it again, her eyes still glistening with tears.
"Even without him, there would be no future for us..." she murmured softly.
"There should never have been any love between us that transcended siblings..."
"But we were both wrong!!" she said, tears streaming down her face.
"We were wrong!!"
"No!!" I cried out.
"We weren't wrong..."
"As long as we love each other, there's no right or wrong," I argued, while Ru-jie, her eyes red, just shook her head.
"Xiong... listen to me."
"No!... I love Ru-jie, Ru-jie loves me, that's enough!" I shouted, as if trying to convince everyone.
"Xiao Xiong..." her eyes seemed to plead with me.
"If... today, we weren't siblings..."
"Perhaps Ru-jie would accept you... but..."
"But... but..." she choked up.
"No!!... I only know you love me too!!" I said like an unreasonable child.
"Ru-jie loves Xiao Xiong... but..." she tried to explain.
"But he's better than me!!" I stabbed her hard.
"No... Xiaoxiong..."
"That's not the point..." she continued to protest.
"We can't be together..." tears streamed down her face.
"How could you do this!?" I stood up, tears welling in my eyes.
"How could you deceive me like this!?" I took a few steps back, tears streaming down my face... a light rain began to fall again.
I raised my left hand, the scar still faintly visible, and said fiercely,
"I had a heart full of love for you... how could you betray me!?""Waaah..." Sister Ru seemed unable to withstand my questioning and ran home, covering her face. I didn't stop her, but collapsed to the ground, my mind blank, yet also filled with thoughts, a chaotic jumble, utterly disorganized. I sat on the riverbank, staring blankly at the moon's reflection in the pool, shimmering and fragmented, unreal. The rain grew heavier, striking the pool and creating ripples. I felt like a walking corpse, letting the rain fall on me, completely numb. I felt my wounded heart, like sugar in water, gradually crumbling and shattering in the rain... ************************************************** There is a love that lies between the sacred and the sinful. At the river mouth where the stars have shifted westward, while everyone else is still dreaming, I sit alone, waiting for someone to ferry me across—Chiang Hsun. Past Fate ************************************************** I don't know how long I sat there. When I got back to my cousin's house, everyone was asleep, and it was pitch black except for a sliver of light coming through the crack in her door. I pushed open her door. I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed with her back to me, seemingly deep in thought. Looking at her slender figure, I suddenly went up and hugged her.

Her expression was blank, seemingly oblivious. Holding her soft, warm body in my arms, my desire quietly rose, mixed with a hint of resentment and intense jealousy. As if seeking revenge, I hugged her tightly, kneading her breasts with my hands. I began to kiss her neck and behind her ears. She remained unmoved… just staring blankly at the mirror. I simply tore off her nightgown, revealing her fair skin and pink bra. I kissed her body frantically—her neck, back, breasts, behind her ears… as if I wanted to devour her. She closed her eyes, letting me play with her body…
I pounced on her, quickly pulling off her pajama bottoms, revealing her long legs and alluring pink panties. I quickly stripped off all my clothes and began my assault, tearing off her underwear and panties, kissing and fondling her beautiful body… Just as I was manipulating my penis, about to penetrate her womb, I was shocked to find two lines of tears streaming down her face…
These tears seemed to be a silent accusation against me. Was this the love I had sworn to have for her?! In the end, it wasn't just about possession!? A sudden wave of confusion washed over me. Looking at myself in her vanity mirror, naked and sitting on her, I felt as if I were seeing a wild beast pouncing on its prey, its face contorted and repulsive. Seeing her sorrowful expression, I felt a pang of pity, and the lust that had surged within me slowly subsided.
I got out of bed, put on my clothes, and pulled the blanket over her. She gave me a grateful look, and I felt a surge of intense guilt, yet my heart gradually cleared. In truth, I owed her more. She had done so much for me, made me love me, and protected me. And what I truly felt for her was complete love? Or was it just a desire for her youthful beauty? In the end, wasn't it just about possessing her for pleasure, without considering her feelings or the consequences for her? When I said I would take care of her for life, was it a complete promise, or just a means to gain her trust? Even if it wasn't deception, what right did I have to fulfill my promise? I kept saying I loved her, but did she necessarily have to love me back? If it was just a one-sided belief or wishful thinking, then it wouldn't be considered betrayal...
A bunch of questions flashed through my mind like lightning. Things that had confused me before seemed to become clear in her eyes in that instant... But the more answers I had, the more guilt and regret I felt for her. All the good things she had done for me flashed through my mind like a rewinding video...
I couldn't help but kneel down in front of the bed, tears streaming down my face...
"Sister Ru... I was wrong!" I was filled with remorse and didn't know how to express it, so I could only awkwardly ask for her forgiveness.
"..." She sat up, putting on her robe, looking like a goddess. She got off the bed, knelt down, and hugged me. My head was buried in her bare chest, without any lust, only a feeling of returning to the warm, soft embrace of my mother in my childhood, a safe haven. Tears streamed down my face, until finally, sobs flowed uncontrollably… She let me cry, soaking her chest, repeatedly saying,
“I know…”
“I was wrong too…”
Ru-jie and I lay there, embracing, on the bed until dawn. But I knew in my heart that this was the last time… I would hold her like this.
*********************************************** Can the joy of life be photocopied again?
Can fading passion be surgically altered?
Can the truth of illness be faxed and proofread again?
Can dead love be typed out again?
--Du Shisan. Time **************************************************
No matter how great love is, it always has an end, let alone my insignificant infatuation.
The end of my infatuation with my cousin came sooner than expected, and not as painful as I had imagined; I still made it through. Perhaps it was the second time I'd experienced heartbreak, making me more resilient; perhaps my heart had lost much of its sensitivity to external stimuli; or perhaps I'd truly come to terms with it, grown up, and understood that holding someone's hand doesn't necessarily hold their heart, and sometimes knowing when to let go is a greater test! ...In any case, the pain didn't last long.
Disillusionment is the beginning of growth, and perhaps I really have grown up!
Three months after leaving Ru-jie's house, I learned that she was soon going to America with Yu-min. Ru-jie was initially reluctant, mainly because she couldn't bear to leave home. After her aunt and uncle persuaded her to get married quickly and have a healthy son for her uncle to hold, she finally agreed to Yu-min's proposal. The wedding was held in America, as the groom's family had all immigrated.
The last time I saw my cousin was a week before she left Taiwan. I went to her house to find her; Yu-min was there too, helping her pack her luggage. I stood there awkwardly, feeling like I couldn't help at all. Looking at Yumin now, I don't dislike him as much anymore. On the contrary, I think Rujie is much better off marrying him than I am. But looking at my cousin, I still feel a strange mix of emotions. Thinking back on the two important women in my life, one has left me, and the other is about to marry far away, while I seem to be all alone again, I can't help but feel a little lost. I can't complain or blame anything; they gave so much, accompanied me through these awkward years, helped me grow, and tolerated my stubbornness and unreasonable behavior…
Besides gratitude and tenderness, what else can I complain about? Thinking about this, a sweet feeling welled up inside me. I smiled at my cousin, and she smiled back. I looked at her gratefully, tears welling in my eyes.
As I left Rujie's house, it started to rain. A little while later, I heard Rujie calling my name. It turned out she had come after me with an umbrella. I stopped to wait for her. She came up, took my hand, and handed me the umbrella. When I thanked her, I saw her eyes redden. It made me want to cry too, but I held back. We walked to the station, talking about the future, the wind and rain heavy, the parting sorrowful. I took out a handkerchief—the one Sister Ru had given me—and wiped her tears.
"Sister Ru, here you go," I said, handing the handkerchief back to her.
"There will be girls giving me handkerchiefs in the future!!" I said playfully.
She nodded, smiled at me, and put the handkerchief in her pocket. After waiting at the station for a while, the train arrived. I let go of her hand and kissed her cheek:
"Sister… goodbye!!… take care, don't forget me!!"
"I will!… you too… don't cry anymore!!"
************************************************** But leaning against the railing, gazing into the distance, I see roosting crows, their hearts yearning to return home, their thoughts drifting with the flowing water to the ends of the earth—Qin Guan. Looking at the Tide **********************************************
I jumped onto the bus, and it started moving abruptly. In the misty rain, I could vaguely see her figure, still waving. I couldn't bear to look any longer, so I steeled myself and turned my head away, squinting and pretending to sleep. After a while, I opened my eyes and found my face reflected in the window, blurry. My eyes seemed a little wet. I wiped them, unsure if it was the rain or my tears…
[theend]

Postscript

****************************************************** Me at thirty. A song at twenty: A little **************************************************
This year's spring rain seemed particularly long and irritating. I was as always, like so many days in Tsinghua University, wearing slippers, holding an umbrella, shuttling between the dormitory, library, and laboratory in the light rain. This triangle seemed to define all my life at Tsinghua.
Occasionally, on certain days when the mood strikes, I'll pause by Chenggong Lake, watching the fish swimming gracefully, the little egrets soaring elegantly, the night herons seemingly lost in meditation, and the trees changing their forms with the seasons. Perhaps, at some point in the year, I'll wander around to the back hill, humming a song as I walk down, stopping by Lotus Pond to listen to the rain pattering on the withered lotus leaves. In spring, the cherry blossoms, a fiery red, their hazy beauty reminding me of my stunning encounter with Alishan.
Of course, most of the time, like most graduate students, I'm buried in books and papers, occasionally surfacing to catch a movie, then retreating back into the ivory tower after indulging in my emotions, continuing experiments, running computers, making papers, drinking tea, staying up late… convincing myself to quietly lie low.
One evening around the New Year, I strolled through Tsinghua University again. Stepping on the fallen petals after the rain, a sense of melancholy washed over me. At thirty, one shouldn't be indulging in melancholy over the passing of spring; yet this drizzling rain, the fallen petals scattered on the ground, seemed to stir a hidden emotion within. Examining my feelings… the dream of bygone days is gone, replaced by a vague sense of melancholy, a feeling that comes with just over thirty. It seems the youth of my early twenties has faded further and further away in the cold wind and drizzle. Azaleas sway noisily on the branches, blooming and dancing in the rain, some falling to the ground to become spring mud. I stared blankly, suddenly infected by a wave of melancholy, unable to shake it off for a long time…
Back in the lab, I worked until late at night. No one was around, only the faint strains of music from the radio kept me company. A familiar old song came on—a song from junior high. That era must have been the end of campus folk songs! We listened to "Orchid Grass," "Just Like Your Tenderness," and were moved by Li Jianfu's "Descendants of the Dragon." But those people, those events, once thought to be buried and faded into the past, slowly resurfaced. I gradually recalled my youthful, naive days, a strange feeling brewing in my heart. I tried to modify the program, hoping to suppress these wandering thoughts with work, but my heart was like a wild horse, running further and further away—that was my unfinished song!
Suddenly, a shy, awkward young man timidly opened the door and entered. Was that me, a young man?
I looked at him, bewildered, and he looked at me, speechless. Looking at my younger self, many dusty memories became vivid again. I was once a passionate, innocent youth, confused by love and desire, forcing myself to write poems to express sorrow!
"Back then, young and in thin spring clothes, riding a horse leaning against a slanting bridge, red sleeves beckoning from the whole building."
I stared at him blankly, a sense of shame rising in my heart. Now, at thirty, how much have I gained, or rather, learned? Am I better at protecting myself? Better at navigating the world? Have I learned more principles? Or have I become better at hiding and suppressing my emotions, masking my desires, and keeping my emotions hidden? I know I've grown a lot, but how much have I lost? In the ivory tower of academia, I've built layers of cocoons, weaving various beliefs and dreams, but now, looking back, they all seem meaningless. Maturity? Growing up? Or simply finding a better haven and an excuse to escape emotional turmoil? Honestly, when was the last time I was moved or cried? For a long time, I've even felt a sense of dread about my astonishing rationality and my increasingly fragile heart.
I came to study with a romantic heart. What initially attracted me here wasn't the faculty, books, or equipment… it was just that afternoon, on a rainy day before the exam, an encounter with a white egret. I was strolling on Chenggong Lake, thousands of raindrops creating ripples on the surface, when suddenly, in the misty rain, a white egret gracefully flew across the lake, like a dream, was it real or not? From that moment on, this image was etched into my heart, forever unforgettable. I immediately decided that this was my reason for being here, the most legitimate reason.
My days at Tsinghua were like a program that never malfunctioned, astonishingly regular. Intellectually, I consider myself to have grown considerably; but what about in life? I left myself with a huge question mark. Perhaps the question of the meaning of life doesn't even exist, or if it does, everyone's answer will be different! Even so, with graduation approaching, I feel a deep attachment to every blade of grass and every tree here, so familiar. What I most want to see now, and what I fear most, is probably the fiery red phoenix tree! That color of farewell.
Suddenly, I realize that these past years will gradually fade, becoming fragmented and blurred memories—and this is the song of my youth! An impulse arose within me, and guided by my younger self, I began to type out some memories, some people, some events, and some stories I had heard. Occasionally, I would bring some guests over to sit and share their poignant and heartbreaking past experiences; sometimes, the slightly older ones would come and lecture me; or I, the younger version of myself, indulging in and marveling at matters of love and sex, would confess my sins… And so, word after word flowed from the keyboard…
This is the origin of this memoir, added here as a supplement.
--plover… That year, the wind at the market wandered the streets and alleys, peddling a subtle, scattered… ========================================= Today, I do not cherish myself, but I am separated from what I love and sorrow. My body is weak, hateful like a thief; nothing is harder to part with than myself. =========================================

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