Half-summer flowers bloom—those dreamlike madnesses

Having passed thirty, I've pursued many women and experienced various forms of sex—some beautiful, some warm, some exciting, and some leaving a lingering ache in my throat. Now, with a settled mind and the fading of youthful exuberance, I want to record these experiences as a farewell to the past.
Sexual matters are always too intense and secretive, inevitably involving many detailed descriptions. I think posting on 69 is more appropriate, since everyone here is like-minded; my post won't be deleted, and I can share it with everyone.
I graduated from university in 2002. During university, I had a girlfriend, a girl I'd had a crush on since middle school—Ai. On the eve of university registration, I confessed my feelings, and she accepted. Everything felt natural, yet like a dream.
Ai was a very special girl, both dignified and alluring. From afar, she possessed an innate classical beauty, and her voice was melodious and charming. Having secretly admired her for so many years, she was like a fairy in my heart. We existed, and the beautiful things didn't dare to harbor any evil thoughts.
Then we went to study in different cities, and we didn't have many opportunities to meet. Plus, I was young and shy at the time, so our intimacy always stopped at hugs and kisses; we never crossed the line.
In the second semester of our senior year, we discussed going back to our hometown together after graduation (back then, my family could use connections to get me a job in a public institution). Suddenly one day
, I received a call from her, breaking up with me because we weren't compatible. This hit me hard, and for years afterward, I often doubted myself, living a confused and hazy life. During our relationship, we had this conversation: She asked me, "Do you love me?" I said, "Yes!" She said, "But you never touch me."
After the breakup, I often thought about those words. The more I thought about them, the more regretful I felt. I hated my shyness and introversion, and I hated her for not appreciating the depth of my feelings. Later, I felt remorse and resentment. Why didn't we have sex? Would having sex prevent a girl from easily leaving a man? These thoughts made me feel despicable, unworthy of her beauty. So, I was conflicted, regretful, and prone to avoidance; all sorts of negative emotions filled my mind. Gradually, I accepted the fact. That day, I really wanted to have sex.
There was a girl from the same county in my department—Wan. Wan was average-looking but always smiling. Because graduation was approaching, we often traveled back and forth to our hometown together to handle some things, and we quickly became familiar. That day, I called her. I kept talking and talking, telling her story about Ai. Wan listened quietly the whole time, occasionally offering a word of comfort. That night, we didn't go back to our dorms separately. We had sex for the first time at the school's guesthouse. I felt a certain... An indescribable bitterness
followed. After graduation, I didn't go back to my hometown; I stayed in Beijing. Wan said Beijing was too big and she didn't feel safe. I knew it was because I couldn't give her a sense of security. The breakup was still natural; even the farewell felt superfluous.
After graduation, I found an ordinary job. There was a girl in my department—Qing—who was also a recent college graduate. Because we were together every day, perhaps feelings developed over time. Two years later, Qing and I became boyfriend and girlfriend. We got married in 2010, had a child in 2012, and this year, our child is
over 5 years old. These are three women I've had formal relationships with. Like most people, the number is small, and the sexual encounters were uneventful, becoming like the left and right hands after a while. But I still prefer to call it sex.
Below are N women I've had informal relationships with, along with their sexual experiences and insights. These experiences are colorful and vivid; I prefer to call them fucking or

one-night stands
. Back then, online dating was just emerging. My job was relatively easy, and I often chatted with women on QQ. I had a particular habit when chatting online: I didn't like beating around the bush. I'd usually start by asking questions about sex, so those I could continue chatting with were mostly like-minded people. But while these women were quite open in their conversations, very few were willing to meet in person for real sex. One girl, 24 years old, I chatted with for about half a month, and one day she suggested meeting up. I was incredibly excited. Since we usually talked about sex, I knew that meeting would inevitably lead to sex. That unfamiliar yet exciting anticipation kept my penis hard almost all day.
That night, I went to Chaoyangmen to meet her as agreed. In the square, I saw her. She was 167cm tall, slightly overweight, from Beijing, and seemed to be an office worker like me (at that time, I didn't have much sexual experience and didn't have much of a concept of women's weight, so I didn't care much about being a little chubby or thin). Later... (I slowly figured out what type of woman I liked, and I definitely wasn't interested in overweight women.) As agreed, we met without saying a word, and I kissed her directly (this was her request before we met, and I don't quite understand why she made this request). Then we ate together. Although we were about the same age, she seemed more mature than me in our conversation, while I seemed more immature and shy. Then we took a taxi back to my place (the company dormitory, a single room). After entering the room, she sat on the edge of the bed and asked me to turn off the light. I turned off the light, sat next to her, and didn't know what to say for a long time. After a moment of silence, I hugged her and kissed her. After kissing for a while, we took off our clothes. I didn't kiss her anywhere, I had no interest, and I didn't touch her at all. I just wanted to penetrate her. Just as I was about to turn her down, she said, "Let me eat it." I hummed in agreement and lay down (she had mentioned in our online chat that she especially liked to eat men's penises). Then I felt my penis being touched by her... She put it in her mouth; it was my first time being given oral sex by a woman, and the feeling was incredibly intense. Because the lights were off, I couldn't see anything clearly, but I felt my penis being enveloped in her mouth, very slippery. Soon, I felt like I was going to ejaculate, but I didn't want to pull out. So she held it in her mouth, and suddenly I couldn't control myself and ejaculated, covering her mouth with it. She covered her mouth with a tissue and spat it onto the tissue, then laughed at me for being so inexperienced. I pulled her over, spread her legs, and found the right spot to insert it. The more she laughed, the harder I fucked her. Soon she started moaning (back then, I could get hard immediately after ejaculating). That night, I probably did it two or three times. I was too young; I only knew how to keep going, and didn't understand anything else. As for what women felt, I didn't have much experience with that.

Not long after, I chatted online with a 39-year-old woman (I forgot to mention, I was 22 in 2003). We chatted for two hours and then arranged to meet. Many netizens might think this is unlikely now, but I think... If you've ever looked for women online back then, you'll know how easy it was. Usually, a short chat was enough to decide whether to meet. I remember women in their 30s often saying to me, "You're so young!" I always replied that I preferred older women, like "sisters" or "aunties." I liked women in their 30s. I was always eager to meet them. That day, I went directly to her house. She picked me up at the entrance of her apartment complex. She was a very warm and friendly older woman (she had told me online that I should call her "auntie," so I did). She wasn't particularly pretty, but she definitely looked older than me. I must say, I prefer older women, not very old ones, and this woman did look quite old. I felt a little uncomfortable, but I'd never been with someone that age before, so I... She seemed both excited and a little incestuous, and led me quickly up to the fourth floor. She greeted a few neighbors along the way, and I followed closely behind. Once inside, she looked at me lewdly and said, "You're so young, do you even know how to play? I'm afraid I'll hurt you." She laughed as she spoke. Hearing this, I felt a bit defiant and said, "I'm young, but my penis isn't small." She laughed again and said, "Then take it off so I can see if it's real." I immediately pulled down my pants. I must say, my penis is indeed quite large, with a particularly large glans and a longer than average length. She looked at it and said, "Wow, it's really not small, much bigger than my husband's!" Then she laughed even harder, saying she couldn't wait any longer, and then quickly pulled down her pants herself, saying, "Come on, give it a couple of tries. Looking at your big dick makes me itch." This was the first time I'd heard this while having sex. Such direct words stimulated me instantly, igniting my lust. I pinned her down on the sofa, spread her legs, and pulled her panties off completely. I barely managed to expose her dark labia majora, rubbed my penis against them a couple of times, and then thrust in (she had said she didn't need a condom during our earlier conversation). Once inside, I found it wet and slippery, and it slid in smoothly without any resistance. She gasped, then started moaning. It was daytime, and she probably realized her moans were a bit loud, suggesting we go to the inner room. I pulled out, and she grabbed my penis and led me to the bedroom. I pulled off her panties and shirt, and then took off my own shirt. We climbed onto the bed and started having sex. Strangely enough, we did it from noon until night, almost four hours, and I didn't feel tired at all. I don't even remember how many times I ejaculated; I only remember almost falling down the stairs and feeling dizzy when I came out.

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Half-summer flowers bloom—those dreamlike madnesses

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