20 funny anecdotes about everyday life, not vulgar but true.

page views:1 Publication date:2022-04-16

1. One night, around 3 a.m., I collapsed on the bed, exhausted, while my boyfriend remained glued to his computer. A deathly silence enveloped us. Suddenly, a loud commotion erupted from the next building; apparently, a woman and a man were at it again. The woman yelled, "Let me go! You don't love me! I hate you! Get out of here!" The man whispered, "What's wrong with you so late?" A scuffle ensued. Hearing this, the woman became even more agitated and burst into tears, wailing, "You really aren't..." Her voice abruptly stopped. Then, a deep voice came from the dimly lit computer screen: "She's been shoved." I was chilled... Comment: Honestly, I didn't laugh at this.
2. Today, my dad asked to borrow my electric shaver because he wanted to "surprise my mom." I really wanted to see him shave off his beard, which he'd kept for almost his entire life, so I happily agreed. Half an hour later, he came out of the bathroom. His beard was still perfectly fine. Comment: You have what you should have, and don't force what you shouldn't have. 3. I enjoy a little drink, but I can't hold my liquor. One day, after having a few drinks with an old classmate, everything was fine at home, so I went to bed as usual. In the middle of the night, I suddenly woke up and went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I reached for my slippers, I found I couldn't get out of bed. I was shocked. Could it be that I, a grown man, had been rendered paralyzed by alcohol? I shouted to my wife: "Honey, something's wrong! My legs aren't working! I can't get out of bed!" My wife calmly got up, turned on the light, and said sleepily: "You rascal, you're sleeping on the floor again!"
Comment: Great alcohol tolerance. Next time you get drunk, I'll sleep with you instead.
4. Yesterday, while running errands in Huaqiangbei, I saw a young disabled man with no hands singing. Having nothing else to do, I stood there and listened. He sounded pretty good. Seeing others giving him money, I thought I'd skip a Coke and do a good deed instead.
So I took out a coin and tossed it into the box. The coin was still in the air when I realized something was wrong! It was light and colorful—it was **! Everyone noticed, and there was a chilling silence. My disabled friend stared at me with bewildered eyes… Awkward…awkward. The ** lay in the small box. I composed myself, slowly squatted down, took the **, and then slowly took out the money and put it back in. Heh, sorry, I'm outta here! Running away!!
Comment: What is this thing? What brand is it? Does anyone know?
5. Once, I was walking with a female classmate (I'm a girl) at night. We passed through a small alley, and under the dim streetlights, we saw someone standing sideways to us. As we got closer, we saw a really handsome guy! (I was swooning...) Getting closer... Ah... a high, straight nose, a smooth jaw, unruly chestnut-yellow hair, standing there like a sculpture... I never thought I'd run into such a rare beauty!! I was so excited, fantasizing that he might turn around and give us a stunning smile, saying with deep affection, "The night is long, and I can't sleep...~!" My nose was bleeding... But, as we passed by him, he suddenly glanced at us, oh~~~ his face flushed, he seemed hesitant to speak, his eyes full of spring~~~~ My female classmate next to me was trembling with excitement.
After we walked through that alley, the person next to me was still trembling. I asked in confusion, "What are you doing? Why are you trembling like that?"
The female classmate continued to tremble: Didn't you hear any strange noises? Like "pee-pee"...⊙﹏⊙b I was confused: I think so, so what? The female classmate finally burst out laughing: Are you stupid? Hahaha~~~~ Someone was peeing, and you kept staring at them, sis! I'm really impressed by you! Ahahahaha~~~~ Me in the autumn wind——-_-||| Ah Comment: Ahahahaha~~~~ Me in the autumn wind——-_-||| Ah 6. In college, I had a roommate who was the class representative for Data Structures. Our Data Structures teacher was a young female instructor. One day, my friend was walking down the street with a cigarette in his mouth when he suddenly saw the Data Structures instructor. He went up to her to say hello, but the instructor took two steps back and said, "I'm pregnant! (Note: The female instructor was afraid of being bothered by the smoke)." My friend didn't understand and froze instantly, dropping his cigarette. He stammered, "It's not mine, is it!" The female teacher blushed and walked away quickly, leaving us laughing hysterically.
Comment: It's yours, and it could also be everyone's.
7. My colleague killed a mosquito on a cactus last night, and then… a scream pierced the midnight sky… Comment: Your colleague? What kind of company do you work for? A mental hospital?
8. In middle school, during a chemistry experiment, the teacher repeatedly warned of the dangers of sodium. One guy still risked everything, stealing a pea-sized amount of sodium, stuffing it in his pocket, and carrying it away… Then, it started pouring rain that day… Comment: This experiment was thrilling; it's one of my favorite experiments.
9. During a screening interview, I was asked: How would you design a bicycle for a visually impaired person?
I asked back, "What? Design a bicycle for a blind person?" The interviewer said yes. I thought for a moment, then said, "I don't think it's very safe for a blind person to ride a bicycle. If you insist on me designing one, I'll fix the bicycle to the ground and put a fan in front of it; he won't notice any difference."
The interviewer was speechless.
Comment: I think so too. It's not very safe to let a blind person ride a bicycle.
10. One day, I was driving my daughter to kindergarten on my electric scooter when we ran into an acquaintance on the other side of the street. Before I could even say hello, my daughter greeted me: "Hello!" I was surprised and asked, "Honey, you're learning English at kindergarten?" Seeing my daughter lower her head and remain silent, looking shy, she suddenly whispered, "I also use feminine hygiene products." I was speechless!
Comment: A good wash makes it healthier and quieter... Hoping for a stroke of good luck...
11. One afternoon, I went to school. I hadn't slept well at noon, so I was still groggy when I got to school. As a result, I tumbled down the stairs. I don't know which floor I rolled to. I finally stopped and got up. I saw a girl next to me looking terrified. I was going to ask her what floor we were on, but I blurted out, "Where am I?"
mm said, "Earth..."
Comment: Haha, that's hilarious, keep going!
12. One day, a classmate of mine went to check the dormitory hygiene (he was also part of the organization). Since it was during class time, a group of people used keys to open the door, gave a score, and that was it. Unexpectedly, they encountered a naked man holding an inflatable doll... Comment: Is sex empty? I suspect it's made up. Students can't afford good inflatable dolls, and the cheap ones are not even as good as hands. 13. I went to eat with my buddy. When it was time to pay, the owner said: 284, I'll give you 280. I glanced at the bill: Wait a minute, this isn't our table. The owner: Huh? Then he asked, aren't you number 6? I said number 4. The owner hurriedly apologized and quickly flipped to our bill, "Brother, 340, thank you!" Damn, serves you right for being so talkative. Comment: Are you Lei Feng? Let's take a photo and get an autograph. 14. Maybe when I was five years old, I went to my cousin's house and heard a scream. I was puzzled. Then the screams continued, and I was terrified. I ran while shouting for help, "My cousin has been murdered by her husband!"... Afterwards, I was scolded by more than a dozen adults in turn.
Comment:
Afterwards, I was scolded by more than a dozen adults in turn.
15. I remember when I used to play WoW, a person's name was simply "a name".
He asked me, quite frustrated, "When I created a new character, it prompted me to enter a name, which I did, and then this is what happened to the name..."
Comment: My classmate's computer login password is: No password.
16. My classmate's family has a breeding pig. This pig is very capable and has earned them a lot of money. However, my classmate is the kind of person who eats the feed but does nothing. He spends money without ever doing any work.
One day we were chatting in their yard when an older woman came in, leading a sow. She said as soon as she entered, "Could you help my pig mate?" My classmate replied very politely but awkwardly, "My dad isn't home today!"
Comment: I'm not giving any gifts this Chinese New Year because my dad isn't home.
17. That day, a female classmate of mine was in a bad mood. So she asked me to go out to dinner with her. Halfway through the meal, she ordered a bottle of beer and asked me, "Can you have a drink with me? I'm not in a good mood today." I hesitated, "Um... I don't drink, sorry." "Oh! Really? I'm not much of a drinker either, and when I get drunk I start kissing people randomly, sigh!" She gave me a very provocative look. I was silent for a moment. Then I turned to the waiter and said, "Waiter, four more bottles of beer, please..."
Comment:
Four bottles of beer are only for family; they should be replaced with white wine.
98. A few friends and I were eating at a small restaurant. During the meal, one friend picked up a piece of liver and asked another, "Tell me, is this the left or right lobe of the liver?" The other friend, without hesitation, studied it for a moment and confidently replied, "The left lobe! You see, the branches of the portal vein run at a relatively straight angle; that's a characteristic of the left lobe of the liver." Then he picked up a piece of intestine and asked, "Tell me, which segment of intestine is this?"
The first person replied: "This is the sigmoid colon. It has little fat and smooth mucosa. This restaurant is cheating us! They're selling us the sigmoid colon as the rectum, boss!" The boss didn't come over, but a guy at the next table, pale-faced, came over: "Please, I'll pay for your table, can we stop talking about this?!"
Comment: Please, I'll pay for your table, can we please stop talking about this?!
19. I bought a box of ** (likely a type of product), and on a whim, I opened one and blew up a balloon inside! The next day, my girlfriend discovered one was missing and demanded to know where it went, threatening not to touch her otherwise. I told her I blew up the balloon, and she said I was lying. We didn't have ** again for two months!
Comment:
The main skill is physical; it's fine even without a set.
20. A loving couple was resting on a park bench. The woman said to the man, "Darling, my hand hurts a little..." The man kissed her hand and asked, "Does it still hurt?" The woman replied sweetly, "No, it doesn't!" She then said, "Darling, my head feels a little uncomfortable..." The man kissed her forehead and asked, "Does it still hurt?" The woman lowered her head shyly. Just then, an elderly woman walked by and said, "Hey, young man, you're quite skilled! Can you treat my hemorrhoids?"
Comment: Young man, you're charming! The old lady's chrysanthemum fragrance is yours now.

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20 funny anecdotes about everyday life, not vulgar but true.

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