20 Hilarious Jokes

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1. A woman fell for a young man and wanted to marry him. During their courtship, she acted shy and demure, which pleased the young man, who thought, "I've finally found a lady!" They were overjoyed on their wedding night, and their lovemaking was particularly vigorous. Suddenly, the bride let out a loud fart. The young man quickly apologized, saying, "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" The bride, however, was unfazed: "What's the big deal! I even passed a lump of poop with my cousin once!"
2. "Doctor, my libido is too high," the old man said sadly.
"How could that be? Isn't this fantastic? Why would you need my help?"
"My libido is extremely high, and it's all concentrated in my brain, which is why I came to you to see if there's any way to reduce it to between my legs."
3. An old virgin was wiping an oil lamp when a monster emerged, saying it would grant her three wishes. The old woman said, "I want money, I want to regain my youth, and I want my cat to become a handsome prince." After the smoke cleared, she found herself young and beautiful, surrounded by treasure. A handsome prince stood beside her, and she nestled in his arms, feeling utterly blissful. The prince whispered gently in her ear, "You castrated me, do you regret it now?"
4. An elderly monk, the abbot of a large temple, was traveling when he arrived at a very small nunnery. The abbess and her congregation gave him a grand welcome. The old monk, seeing that the abbess was somewhat attractive, decided to seduce her. While the two were touring the Buddhist hall, the old monk suggested they compose a couplet. He first offered the first line: "The mountain gate opens wide to welcome the Arhats." This was clearly a flirtatious remark by the abbess. Unexpectedly, the abbess understood, wanting to use the old monk's reputation to expand her temple's influence. She immediately countered with the second line: "In the deep stream of the temple, the Vajra awaits." The old monk was overjoyed. He and the old nun closed the Buddhist gate and passionately lit incense in the inner hall.
After struggling for a while, they suddenly heard the old monk utter a couplet: "The lotus-seat Guanyin smiles." The old nun responded in a sweet voice: "The pestle-wielding Weituo supports the sky." It turned out that this was their secret signal for changing their gestures.
5. A patient came to the hospital for treatment, and the doctor asked, "Where do you feel unwell?"
The patient replied, "I had a dream last night that I was a cow eating grass."
The doctor said, "Don't worry, this is normal. Everyone dreams. Dreams are different from reality."
The patient said nervously, "But, but when I got up, I found that half of the straw mat on my bed was gone!"
6. It's not uncommon for nuns to be unable to bear loneliness. Even more extreme, there was a young and beautiful nun in a certain city temple who had an exceptionally strong sex drive and secretly went to brothels to sell her body. This caused a public uproar; people felt the nun was immoral and wanted to burn her at the stake. The newly appointed county magistrate was well-versed in Buddhism and often presented himself as a kind-hearted person. He held a public trial for the nun, questioning her about why she went to brothels to sell her body. The nun replied, "There is Buddha in brothels, so I go to cultivate myself; there is no Buddha in brothels, so I go to help and save people." The magistrate thought there was some truth to this, and seeing that the nun was somewhat clever, he secretly decided to let her off the hook. He then gave the nun a task: to describe in a poem how to embody Buddhist teachings while selling her body. This nun was indeed quite talented, and she immediately recited a poem:
Shedding the threads of personal troubles, snow embraces two breasts with a touch of red.
The humble gate is now opened for you, the wondrous Dharma is hidden in the deep stream.
Upon hearing this, the county magistrate immediately bowed in submission.
7. Someone asked the doctor, "Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?"
"First, abstain from alcohol."
"I never drink alcohol."
"Second, abstain from pornography."
"I'm not attractive to women at all."
Third, eat less meat.
"I'm a vegetarian!"
"So why do you want to live so long?"
8. A beautiful woman was wearing a top with the number '99' on the front. A foreigner wanted to compliment her, but forgot how to say '9' in Chinese. So he said to the woman, "Girl, your two 'nine, nine's are so pretty!"
9. An old bachelor met a girl and wanted to have sex with her. The girl asked for 60 yuan, but the old bachelor only had 30 yuan. The two bargained.
The girl had no choice but to agree, but there was a condition: the old bachelor could only take in half of the money, otherwise it would be 60 yuan, not a penny less. The old bachelor saw that the girl was pretty, so he did as she asked.
During a routine search, the man was stopped by police. As the officer entered, he kicked the bachelor in the backside. The bachelor angrily yelled at the officer, "Give me the 30 yuan!!!"
10. A sea turtle had a high alcohol tolerance. One day it got drunk, and its friend asked, "How could you get drunk?"
The sea turtle replied, "Sigh, that octopus bastard insisted on playing rock-paper-scissors with me. Damn it, there were so many hands, I couldn't even keep up with them all. I lost terribly!"
11. A female TV host was infertile for several years after marriage. Anxious and worried, she went to a doctor to complain, saying, "If you say I'm not good enough, I got pregnant three times before we got married; if you say my husband is not good enough, are none of us station leaders good enough?"
12. A middle-aged man sought help from a doctor: "My wife keeps complaining that my sexual ability is declining."
The doctor said, "Don't worry, this medicine can restore your virility."
A few days later, the man returned for a follow-up appointment and told the doctor, "It's fantastic! After taking your medicine, I can now have sex several times a day!"
The doctor said, "I imagine your wife is very satisfied."
The middle-aged man said, "I don't know! I haven't had time to go home since then."
13. One day, a mother and her college-aged daughter were watching a video. The man and woman in the video fell in love at first sight, kissed as soon as they met, and then eagerly tore off each other's clothes and started having sex. The mother was very worried and quickly explained to her daughter, "Honey, this is just a movie. It's not like that in real life." The daughter immediately replied, "Yes, Mom. We usually have something to drink first before we start having sex."
14. A boy looked at the flushing toilet and muttered to himself, "Son, it's not that Dad doesn't want you..."
15. There are two people who are addicted to alcohol.
One day, the two went out for drinks, only to find they had a little over 200 yuan between them. One of them said to the other, "It's okay, watch me." They went to a 7-Eleven and bought two hot dogs, stuffing them into their pants. Then they went into a bar and drank heavily. When they were almost done drinking, they started sucking on each other's hot dogs. The bartender saw this and angrily yelled at them, "Get out! Don't do such dirty and vulgar things in my bar!!" They used this method to drink at eight different bars. One of them said to the other, "I'm so tired today!" The other replied, "I'm tired! My hot dog fell out at the second bar!"
16. A man with a missing leg decided to tell his wife on their wedding night that he was actually missing a leg. On their wedding night, the man mustered his courage and said, "I have something to surprise you." He then turned off the lights and placed his wife's hand on his missing leg. At this, his wife exclaimed, "Ah! This certainly surprises me, but believe me, I can handle it! Bring it on!"
17. A woman went to a Guanyin temple in a Buddhist monastery to pray for a child. Her prayers were so sincere that the abbess, who was performing a ritual nearby, was deeply moved. She even put down her own ritual and joined the woman in prayer. Curious, the woman asked, "Why do you also ask for offerings, Master?" The abbess replied, "To be honest, I have made a lifelong vow with the abbot of a temple on the opposite mountain. Without offerings, it would be difficult to continue our great work." The woman then asked, "Isn't this temple public property?" The abbess calmly answered, "It is only natural for sons to inherit their fathers' businesses and daughters to inherit their mothers' businesses. After we pass away, this place will still need abbots to manage it. Our children are perfectly suited to succeed us. Growing up in such an environment, their management abilities are beyond question." The woman was astonished.
18. Doctors from the surgery, internal medicine and psychiatry departments went hunting wild ducks together.
A wild duck flew by, and the internist raised his gun to aim, but did not fire. The surgeon asked in surprise, "Why don't you shoot?"
The internist said, "How can you be sure it's a wild duck? It could be another kind of bird!"
Another wild duck flew by, and the psychiatrist raised his gun to aim, but didn't fire. The surgeon asked, "What's wrong?"
The psychiatrist asked, "Does the wild duck know it's a wild duck?"
Another wild duck flew by, and the surgeon snatched the gun from the psychiatrist and fired a shot. The internist and psychiatrist asked, "Are you sure that was a wild duck?"
The surgeon chuckled, "You'll find out when you get back and perform the autopsy!"
19. Two people were having sex in the room. The woman was moving wildly, when the neighbor knocked on the door to protest! The man said, "Quiet down!" The woman replied, "Okay." Then, the woman closed her eyes tightly, clenched her teeth, and trembled all over. The man asked in a panic, "What's wrong?" The woman replied, "Nothing, let's keep going. I switched to vibrate mode!"
20. Zhang San's stomach ailment was quite severe, requiring surgery to remove it. He hired the best doctor in the city to perform the operation. After the anesthesia wore off, the doctor came to check on him and asked solicitously, "How are you feeling?"
Zhang San asked, puzzled, "My stomach is fine, but my throat hurts a lot. What's wrong with me?"

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20 Hilarious Jokes

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