Joke Collection

page views:1 Publication date:2022-06-07

1.360 Mobile Security
I use 360 Mobile Security when I wake up in the morning.
Suddenly, this software feels like a political party.
By checking the system yourself, you'll find some minor issues.
Then revise it yourself. Evaluate your revisions and give yourself a perfect score; whether it's good or bad is up to the product itself. 2. What's the most expensive anime merchandise you've ever bought?
What's the most expensive anime merchandise you've ever bought?
The answer was: Haier refrigerator. (A modern joke)
3. Don't pay too much attention to appearance.
After school, I found I still had twenty yuan in my pocket. I started thinking about whether to buy that face wash I'd been eyeing for a while.
Or should I buy a face mask that's already empty?
Later, I remembered what my teacher once said: We are students now, and we shouldn't pay too much attention to our appearance; inner qualities are the most important.
So I went to McDonald's...
Four bows? Defeat?
Those who live paycheck to paycheck and earn money through their own means are considered to have squandered their wealth; those who start relying on their parents after squandering their own wealth are considered to have squandered their parents' wealth; and those who find a partner who is the same age as themselves are considered to have squandered their wealth as a couple!
5. How to coax your girlfriend
How to calm down your girlfriend when she has a hysterical outburst? This method completely soothes me. Hold her hand...
He places his hand on his heart, and if she pulls away, he pulls her back repeatedly until she stops, keeping his gaze fixed on her eyes. Then he puts his other arm around her, forehead to forehead, and says, "I love you." A word of caution: this trick doesn't work on wives! One guy tried it and his wife stabbed him in the eyes with two fingers! He almost went blind!
6 Best Methods for Reverse Mortgage
The best way to achieve retirement through reverse mortgage:
Elderly people who own property but have no children,
After retirement, you can sell your house and all your assets, take around 2 million yuan, travel the world, and enjoy life. When the money runs out, you can go to Canada or the United States.
Burn your passport and become stateless.
Apply for refugee status from the local government.
These countries would never deport a stateless person; in fact, they would have to support them in their old age.
7 Mind
"Hey beautiful, can we be friends?"
"I have a boyfriend."
"Would you mind having one more?"
"mind!"
"Do you mind if I like you?"
"mind!"
"So, do you mind if I mind if you mind me?"
"This...oh...no...oh my god! You fucking bastard!!!" (This is from the song "Because of Love," which is unrelated to the song and appears to be a separate, possibly promotional, quote.)
Was Faye Wong's divorce due to "Because of Love"?
Is Wang Feng divorcing so he can "fly higher"?
Following this logic, was Nicholas Tse's divorce due to "I Have to Go"? Was Jonathan Lee's divorce due to "Bewitched"?
Was Harlem Yu's divorce due to the drama "Can't Help Falling in Love"?
Did Nicky Wu get divorced because of "Wish You a Smooth Journey"?
Did Ronald Cheng get divorced because of "Your Eyes Betrayed Your Heart"? And is Jay Chou's long-term unmarried status due to "withered chrysanthemums"? 9. On the train, the girl sitting next to me...
She was quite cute, so I went up to her and struck up a conversation.
So I decided to start with astrology.
"Um, what's your zodiac sign?"
The girl glanced at me and said, "Are you blind? It's a hard seat!"
A business worth hundreds of thousands
This guy is a total closet pervert; he's been on and off with his girlfriend for six or seven years.
His girlfriend was also a good friend of ours. Feeling sorry for him, everyone encouraged him, saying, "If you two get together, we'll raise money to buy you a BMW for your wedding!" This guy was incredibly excited, and during the dinner, he said to the girl in a very serious tone: "Um..."
I'd like to partner with you on a business deal worth several hundred thousand... 11 breedings
My silly female colleague took her female husky to be bred, and the breeder wanted 400 yuan or a puppy...
My silly female colleague felt she'd been taken advantage of.
"You made your dog happy, and now you want money from us...?"
Humans and dogs are different...different...
12 How long will you love me?
I was on the bus this morning, and a pair of elementary school students were talking next to me.
The girl asked the boy, "Do you really love me?"
The boy answered, "Yes." The girl asked, "How long will you love me?" The little boy said, "I will love you until the Big Bad Wolf."
The day we eat all the sheep in Sheep Village!
Holy crap, I'm completely shocked!
This is way more effective than anything like "to the ends of the earth"! 13 Top Ten Misconceptions of Night Owls
Ten common misconceptions among night owls:
1. Go to sleep immediately.
2. Go to sleep after watching this.
3. I'll go to sleep in five minutes.
4. I'll go to sleep in ten minutes.
5. I'll go to sleep in thirteen minutes.
6. I've made up my mind today, I'll go to bed at 11 o'clock!
7. Even if it's delayed until midnight, it's still very early.
8. Two o'clock is not bad for me either...
9. Today is an exception, a special case.
10. I'll go to bed at 11 pm tomorrow! (Family joke)
14 I am still young
Mom said: You can't date yet, you're too young.
The girl said: "Mom, I'm not a little kid anymore, I can make my own decisions."
Many years later...
My mother said: You're not young anymore, it's time to find a partner.
The girl said: Mom, I'm still young. There's no rush.
15 Am I my biological child?
I've been wanting to get a new computer lately, but I haven't been able to tell my parents yet because I don't have a good reason. Just today, I saw them watching the news...
A college student jumped into a river because his family wouldn't buy him a cell phone.
"This is amazing!" I quickly mentioned wanting to get a new computer, and they both gave me a sidelong glance.
Then they started discussing what to wear to the funeral. ...A primary school student is particularly addicted to the internet.
A primary school student is particularly addicted to the internet.
Today, his father dragged him home from the internet cafe and beat him in the yard! What shocked me was that the child didn't cry.
He steadfastly muttered: "As long as the tower stands, the person stands... as long as the tower stands..." Many people around him had already started their confession plans.
New Year's Day is almost here, and many people around me are starting to plan their confessions. I'm thinking of doing it too, but I'm afraid that if I confess, we won't even be roommates anymore... 18 slogan
During military training, everyone knows that each company has a slogan, usually something like "Strive hard, [Company Name], Always Be Number One."
"Elite Company, Forging Ahead Bravely" and so on.
Once, we heard the slogan of the 19th Company:
"Nineteen, nineteen, I'm nineteen, say it again, I'm nineteen!" We were all stunned on the playground...
19 The overwhelming news of Faye Wong and Li Yapeng's divorce
The overwhelming news of Faye Wong and Li Yapeng's divorce
I'm absolutely stunned. I guess the story will continue like this...
Nicholas Tse married Zhou Xun, and Faye Wong became the other woman.
Nicholas Tse divorced Zhou Xun and then married Faye Wong.
In a fit of anger, Zhou Xun married Li Yapeng…
Just when everyone felt they were starting to believe in love again,
Edison Chen's computer broke down again...
20 I always thought I was too ugly
I always thought I was too ugly.
Ever since watching Super Boy,
I'm fucking confident.
How can someone so ugly appear on TV?
What could possibly make me unhappy?
21 Get out of here, you fatso!
This is how I educate my seven-year-old son who weighs 66 pounds:
When you were little, people would say if they thought you were chubby:
"Come here, little chubby boy, you're so cute!"
When you grow up, people will say, "Get lost, you fatso!"
Then my son agreed to run every morning!
Rest in peace, 22.
I was taking a nap at noon when I vaguely felt someone covering me with a blanket. I opened my eyes slightly and saw it was my 7-year-old little sister. My heart warmed, and I thought to myself, "She's really grown up."
Who would have thought she would pull the blanket over me from my feet to my head?
He said softly, "Rest in peace!"
I would save even a dog if it was being bullied.
When I was in school, I had a friend...
He's very strong and has a straightforward personality.
Once, a female classmate was being bullied by several thugs at the school gate. He stepped in and knocked them all down in a few moves.
The female classmate thanked him with an admiring look on her face.
This guy said quietly, "It's nothing."
I would save even a dog that's being bullied.
And then, that was it.
24. Looks uglier when he smiles.
I just ate at a small restaurant.
As soon as I sat down, a little girl next to me pointed at me and said to her mother: "Mom, that brother is so ugly."
I smiled helplessly.
Her mother looked at me apologetically.
Tell the little girl: You look even uglier when you smile...
25 Was I really wrong?
I went on a business trip yesterday and forgot my ID card. Frustrated, I picked up my phone and remembered WeChat's "People Nearby" feature.
I texted every woman I saw, asking if she wanted to book a room, and one woman replied, saying she'd come find me after she showered.
After waiting for ages, the woman finally arrived. After checking into the room, I returned her ID card.
He explained that he didn't have his ID card with him and was just borrowing it to check into a hotel.
Her face was filled with anger, and she cursed them as worse than beasts. Was I really wrong?

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