My Dad - 15. A Bitter Gray Childhood

The picnic ended on the second morning. After everyone packed up their belongings and cleaned up the trash, they got into the car and went home.
When they arrived, Zhou Ruizhe was closest to An Nuan.
On the way back, Zhou Ruizhe was furthest from An Nuan. He sat alone in the very back corner of the car, a spot from which he could clearly see An Nuan in front of him.
He saw that An Nuan was acting as if nothing had happened, still leaning against the window, calmly watching the street rushing past outside.
He used to think that An Nuan loved to laugh and never held back her laughter, whether to anyone, whether it was polite, warm, or mischievous... But only now did he suddenly realize that no matter what kind of laughter it was, An Nuan's eyes never showed any real smile.
With her eyebrows raised and the corners of her mouth curved, she looked as if she were wearing a mask that isolated her from the world.
He had a vague feeling that An Nuan was actually a very cold person.
"Aze! Why aren't you sitting next to your goddess?" A guy who usually gets along well with you suddenly leaned over and asked in a low voice.
"Hmm, I think I'm pursuing her too aggressively, Nuan Nuan won't like it."
The words had barely left his mouth.
The boy looked disgusted and said, "Believe me, if you don't pursue her more closely, the goddess won't even remember who you are."
"…………"
That's true, but bro, be a little more tactful. I was, after all, a campus heartthrob.
When An Nuan got home, the first thing she did was take a shower.
In the bathroom, the air was filled with steam. An Nuan leaned against the edge of the bathtub, slowly washing herself with a bath sponge.
Wash your hands first, every finger, fingernails...
Then, following the direction of your hand, wipe and wash your arms and shoulders...
Collarbone...back of the neck...
An Nuan washed herself methodically, the warm water carrying fine, white foam soaking into her tired body.
With his eyes half-closed and his head resting on a warm, damp towel, he let out a comfortable sigh, his thoughts drifting away without him even realizing it.
It's like piercing through the swirling steam in the bathroom, and with each passing moment, I glimpse one bittersweet childhood scene after another...
"Nuan Nuan, it's 9:15 now. You need to memorize this article by 9:30."
"An Nuan, finish lunch at noon, rest for twenty minutes, and then take a nap. Dance class starts at 2 p.m., so you need to get up at 1:30 p.m., understand?"
"Nuan Nuan, you need to get first place in this week's test, okay?"
"…………"
When she was a child, when her family still lived in a large courtyard, she would often lean against the window and watch the children playing and laughing in the yard with envy.
She really wanted to play with them.
But she can't.
Aside from all her daily studies, her only time for rest and relaxation was reading.
She was terrified of her mother.
Once, she fell asleep while memorizing vocabulary because she was too tired. Children usually sleep a lot, but she only slept for seven hours a day. This wouldn't be a big deal for an adult, but she was only five years old at the time.
She was so tired that she couldn't keep her eyes open at all. She thought she would just doze off for a while, but she ended up falling asleep. When she woke up, her mother was standing in front of her, looking down at her with extremely cold eyes and then speaking in a mocking tone.
“An Nuan, look at Aunt Li’s daughter. She’s the same age as you and can already memorize more than 500 words. And look at you. You look so listless no matter what I ask you to do. I’m too embarrassed to tell people outside that you’re my daughter.”
She was still young at the time and couldn't bear her mother's words. She remembers crying then. The unconventional education she had received since childhood made her feel ashamed and embarrassed to hear these words.
Although she always wanted to go out and play with the children in the yard, wanted to lie on the table and take a good nap, and wanted a hug and a kiss from her mother, she never dared to say it. These were things that her young heart longed for, and she felt ashamed and uneasy at the same time.
I shouldn't have these thoughts.
This is incorrect.
She should study diligently every day and strive to be number one.
That way her mother would smile at her.
"Do you know you were wrong?" The woman remained unmoved when she saw An Nuan crying.
"Mom, I...I was wrong...I'll never do it again..."
"If you know you're wrong, you should correct it; if you're wrong, you should accept the punishment." The woman said sternly, firmly believing that a good mother is one who doesn't hit her child.
Therefore: "Your dinner time is canceled today. Memorize the words, and add twenty more words. I will check on you at nine o'clock sharp."
She thought skipping dinner wouldn't be a big deal, but she forgot that the child was still growing.
This punishment continued until she was eight years old, when she suddenly fainted while learning to dance and was taken to the hospital, where it was discovered that An Nuan had hypoglycemia.
She remembered that night, a loud argument was coming from the next room. She seemed to hear her father's angry voice and her mother's crying, which lasted for a long time.
Before she fell into a deep sleep, she vaguely heard her father say, "An Nuan is still a child..."
I don't know how they finally resolved it.
From that day on, her mother strictly controlled her three meals a day. She had to eat them, and the number of bowls she ate was measured out.
Of course, she and her father claimed it was for her own good.
From that day on, her father also came home on time every day, bringing her different little toys, and playing with her during his rest time.
She is smart and hardworking.
No matter what the exam was, she would always be number one. She loved showing her grades to her dad because he would happily hug her, kiss her little cheeks, and say, "My Nuannuan is so amazing!"
Her mother, however, only cared: "You got two more questions wrong this time than last time. Although you're still first, you've regressed." Then she increased her workload.
Her mother loved talking about her daughter's achievements and enjoyed the envious glances from others. To her, An Nuan was more like a tool to satisfy her vanity and desire for control.
By then, An Nuan had developed her own thoughts. Even if she didn't know how other people's children and mothers got along, she knew that her way of getting along with her mother was indeed rare.
Therefore, she loves her father very much. She loves that he brings her little gifts every day, loves that he happily praises her for being amazing, loves that he secretly takes her on trips everywhere, and loves that he doesn't treat her as a tool to compare with others, but only as a unique and precious treasure...
She loves her dad very much...
That was the warmest ray of sunshine in her slightly bitter, gray childhood.
She gave almost all her genuine smiles to her father.
She didn't know when it started, but her feelings for her father changed. She began to crave him and want to have him.
She began to envy and hate her mother. Partly because her mother could easily have that man, and partly because of the resentment that had accumulated since childhood.
Her rapid physical development taught her about desire, and her desires seemed to be more intense than others. Perhaps it was because she had suppressed her emotions since childhood, so in this respect she was like a thirsty and lustful girl, yearning for physical pleasure.
An Nuan gradually awoke from her memories. The water in the bathtub had already cooled down, and there were some terrifying bruises on her snow-white chest. The boy's reckless strength made her feel both pain and pleasure.
She knew she was drunk at the time, but thankfully she stopped everything in time.
Looking at the blurry mirror in the bathroom, covered in condensation, I reached out and wiped it away...
A girl with a blank expression appeared in the mirror. Looking at her own body, she suddenly gave a mocking smile.

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My Dad - 15. A Bitter Gray Childhood

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