Beijing Stories (Repost) 21

Chapter Twenty-One

...

"Jingping, let's just get a divorce. Maintaining this marriage is painful for both of us." I wanted to
have an open and honest conversation with Lin Jingping.

"Has it come to this? Have I been bad to you, or did I do something wrong?" Jingping
asked me with tears in her eyes.

"I just feel that we're not happy together."

"It's not that you're unhappy, it's that you're tired of it, right? But we've only been married for a little over a year!"

"No matter what you think, we must get a divorce!" My attitude was very firm.

"Handong, we're both adults, and marriage isn't child's play. Don't you think you're being too hasty?
" Jingping said sadly.

"I've thought about it for a long time, and I really feel that we can't live together." I said empty words.

For the next few weeks, Jingping tried hard to save our marriage. She started cooking for herself, and even
made dinners quite romantic. Under the candlelight, with soft music playing, she held my hand and said she loved me. She took me
to a concert, nestled in my arms, just like when we first met. The violin melody of "The Butterfly
Lovers . I remembered Lan Yu telling me that the story of "The Butterfly Lovers" was a
prototype of a homosexual relationship. I told him it was utter nonsense, but he looked at me with his clear, bright eyes and said he believed it.
Listening to the mournful music, I seemed to see his resolute expression as he spoke, thinking of the eighteen farewells, the parting
at the pavilion and the ending where they transformed into butterflies. My vision blurred…

A little over a month later, Old Zhang, the finance manager, told me that Jingping had transferred 300,000 yuan from the company to
other places. 300,000 was the maximum amount Lin could approve. Lin acted quickly, and I wanted to know more
about it as soon as possible. I told Jingping we couldn't delay any longer…

" Handong, did you do this for a man named Lan Yu?" Jingping suddenly asked me

after our argument . 　　"Are you out of your mind?" I said mockingly. 　　"Hmph! Ever since we started dating, I knew I had a rival, but I never imagined my rival would be a man! How could such a bizarre thing happen to me!" Jingping said helplessly. 　　"I love you, I don't mind your unhealthy mentality, I forgive you, I'll help you overcome it, but you actually want a divorce!" she said again. 　　"Don't make it sound so touching, you're not that kind, are you? You don't mind because you mind money more, right? " 　　"Money! You value money too much! I use your money, that's true, but besides money, what else have you given me? As a man, as a husband, what have you given me?" Jingping shouted loudly, this was the first time she had lost her composure in front of me. 　　"When have you ever cared about me? Do you know what I want? I asked you to come home with me once, and you said you weren't used to the southern climate. When we got married, my parents came all the way to see me, and I asked you to take a day to spend with them, and you said you didn't have time. But what about your mother? I chatted with her, went shopping with her..." She started to cry as she spoke. 　　"I love you, I don't care how many times you've hurt me, I always thought a woman's tenderness would move you. But what about you? You have no sense of responsibility towards me or our family! I accompany you to social events and make you happy, have you ever thought about what I want? I don't want your money, but what else can I want? How much have you given emotionally? Even in our sex life, you can't act like a normal husband!" Jingping sobbed. 　　"But you've gone too far in some things!" I said in a low voice, 　　"You finally admitted it, you hate me because of the fax. I didn't do anything wrong, as a wife, I have to protect my husband and my family!" She finally calmed down. 　　"But you drove that boy to the brink!" I yelled at her, 　　"Don't make me sick, okay? What difference does it make if there's one more or one less person like that? " 　　Looking at her pretty face, I really wanted to slap her! But I didn't want to hit a woman.　　　　"Stop talking nonsense! You've already taken 300,000, I'll give you another 200,000, is that it?" I said, looking at her. 　　"Aren't you afraid I'll expose your affair?" Lin stared at me. 　　"You underestimate me! You try! Let's see who ends up ruined!" I said with a sneer. 　　Jingping was silent for a while, then began to cry, a desperate cry. After a long time, she looked at me helplessly: "One million! That's not too much for you." She finally made her offer... 　　My 　　first short-lived marriage ended, and I lost so much because of it! But as Lan Yu said , every loss has its gain. I gained something I never wanted to admit, but it was a fact: to varying degrees , I am a homosexual. 　　My mother no longer objected to my decision to divorce, but her gaze towards me now held a new anxiety and worry. She said I would definitely find a suitable woman to marry in the future. I thought to myself: I'm afraid no woman is suitable for me. 　　Before my divorce, I had been maintaining a sexual relationship with a man who also studied Chinese literature and worked as an editor at a newspaper. He often mocked my low level of education, saying that I, a graduate of the Chinese department of Nanjing University, was too ignorant. He was n't tall, but he was handsome, the "cool" type. He was nearsighted, so he always wore contact lenses. He was four years younger than me, and we were a perfect match. We had a lot in common . He genuinely liked me, and I liked him too, but I always kept a certain distance. I told him some things about Lan Yu, and he advised me to let go of that. In this respect, he was my only confidant. After my divorce , he hoped we could be closer. I told him there was an emptiness in my heart that I couldn't fill, and no one could. He said he understood. Later, we broke up. I didn't look for any other "friends ." I felt incredibly lonely, but I liked it that way. 　　I focused almost all my energy on business. My joint venture cosmetics factory was in dire straits. I knew too little about manufacturing and management, so I gave it up. I wanted to leverage my strengths and focus more on trading. I spotted an opportunity, but it required a large sum of capital, so I started seeking financing.

I often live in "Nordic" because that's Lan Yu's home. I hope that one day he will suddenly return
and stand before me. I don't believe he just disappeared like that; I'm waiting for a miracle to happen...

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