Sexual discussions about one-night stands

The film *One Night Stand
*, starring Natasha Kinski, tells a typical story of a one-night stand: an advertising director has a one-night stand with a married woman during a business trip, but finds himself increasingly longing for her, to the point that his marriage is on the verge of collapse…
In the English-speaking world, a one-night stand usually occurs between two strangers, a brief intimate encounter, requiring neither understanding nor responsibility.
It's all about flirting.
In the Chinese-speaking world, the most accurate interpretation of a one-night stand should be: one-night sex.
Mr. Li, a 29-year-old computer maintenance worker in Haidian District, Beijing, has a somewhat naive, student-like demeanor, but his views are anything but naive: he believes that feelings for a girl must begin with sex, a typical case of love based on sex.
“I’m just fickle. While feelings and sex can’t be completely separated, there is a distinction. Besides, feelings change; nothing in this world is permanent. If you insist on seeking permanence, change is the only permanence.” Mr. Lin, who works at a bank, is quite frank about his numerous one-night stand experiences. This unmarried man's understanding of marriage is quite representative: "A spouse is just someone you live with."
Stripping away the emotional
element, although no one believes that "one-night stands" contain much emotion, the brief sexual encounters, usually between strangers, are still labeled "emotion" in Chinese.
Some have even analyzed it as follows: "One-night stands are a typical rhetorical conspiracy—first, it subtly replaces the central word with 'emotion' instead of 'sex,' implying it rather than explicitly stating it; then, it uses a quantifier to downplay the transgression; and most insidiously, it places the time concept of 'night' at the center of reading and recitation, subtly stimulating latent romantic imagination. The signifier and signified of a word, treated in this way, become inflated in quality, and the imagery becomes hazy..."
Chinese vocabulary is always aesthetically implicit, but this doesn't affect the increasingly direct nature of modern people's actions.
Among the one-night stand survivors interviewed by *Newsweek*, the consensus was that love and sex can be separated.
Mr. Zhao, 25, who works at a research institute in Beijing, has had four or five one-night stands. His blunt viewpoint is startling to traditionalists: "I want to experience different types of women before marriage." "This won't affect my future marriage; I will still be responsible for my marriage," he added, leaving many still skeptical.
A confession circulating online by a computer engineer likely resonates with many who have had one-night stands:
"I only have sex with two types of people: one I really like, the kind I want to marry; the other is a complete stranger, someone I don't want to run into on the street again after a night of release. I definitely won't choose so-called friends I've known but haven't developed a romantic
relationship with, because after one night, there will be many problems to solve." While there's no conclusive scientific evidence that unrestrained sex reduces sensitivity to love, some believe that sex and love are in a trade-off: indulging in sex devalues love; suppressing sex increases love.
Mr. Shi, a 27-year-old graduate with a master's degree from Tianjin University, recently registered a company in Beijing with 500,000 yuan. His fledgling business is the focus of his life. He doesn't even know how many girlfriends he's had, or perhaps he's unwilling to talk about it, but many of them were one-night stands. Before coming to Beijing this March, he easily broke up with his girlfriend of three months. "No love, except for my first love." His first love happened in high school.
A Western scholar summarized it this way: "Victorian people wanted love and avoided physical intimacy, while modern people desire physical intimacy and avoid falling in love."
Double Standards
It's difficult to determine whether more men than women agree that sex and love can be separated. However, information from various sources suggests that Chinese women tend to be more conservative. In online chat rooms, those openly "seeking" one-night stands are all men.
Sociologist Li Yinhe says that one-night stands, by separating sex and love, have a greater impact on women. In the past, there was a double standard between men and women: men could enjoy pure sex—including premarital and extramarital affairs—but women had to retain their virginity, and their future sex life had to be strictly limited to the scope of marriage. This deeply ingrained traditional view has not been eradicated even in modern times.
"Clearly, many men do not see women as completely equal and independent individuals; a woman who has lost her virginity becomes a tool that has been used."
"Sexual attitudes are influenced by changes in the social environment and also vary according to different national cultures. Asia as a whole values virginity more, primarily for women, while in some Nordic countries, premarital sex reaches over 95%, making virginity less meaningful."
Many men with modern higher education still insist that occasional infidelity should be forgiven, but if their spouse engages in the same behavior, it is completely unforgivable.
A married man working in writing said, half-jokingly, "You have to understand men from an animal's perspective—he wants to ensure the purity of his offspring's bloodline."
Women face far greater public pressure for "infidelity" than men. A Newsweek reporter, posing as different genders in a chat room, found that almost 100% of men responded to one-night stands, while women were relatively more cautious.
“I liked him quite a bit, but I noticed that while he was kissing me, one of his hands was inside my skirt. I couldn’t help but stop him.” One woman felt humiliated because her partner got to the point too quickly.
Even though some modern women claim to be masters of their own bodies, no longer tools for pleasing and satisfying men, or for men to release sexual tension and procreate, and are aware of their own sexual needs, they still cannot escape double standards in real life. Many women who have had one-night stands are not truly at ease.
A 28-year-old online writer, a graduate of Peking University, believes that the influence of patriarchal society exists in women’s subconscious. In a patriarchal society, women, except for prostitutes, are not allowed to open their bodies. If a woman displays her body solely for sexual purposes—even if she doesn’t intend to exchange anything for it—she will consciously or unconsciously lower herself to the status of a prostitute, thus feeling her dignity has been violated.
Many young, educated women believe that theoretically they can accept “enjoying pure sex,” but in reality, they often cannot tolerate a partner approaching them with only sexual intentions.
Compared to men, it is clearly more difficult for women to freely enjoy sex.
Sexual Distress
As some have said, one-night stands are far from being a popular fitness activity like morning exercise; only a minority can participate. First, you need to resolve moral issues, then you need both money and free time, and you must also skillfully separate emotion from lust.
One-night stands are a problem for a minority, but sex is a problem for everyone.
"In my view, sex is a human behavior that can bring immense pleasure, but in the history of human development, nothing has caused as much trouble, sorrow, pain, and controversy as sex." Many scholars share Li Yinhe's view.
However, Chinese people seem to be consistently ashamed to talk about sex. Even interviews with *Newsweek* often find themselves in awkward situations.
Is avoidance truly a wiser approach?
The sexual anguish of single people and the lack of sexual satisfaction in marriages may seem trivial to others, but for the individuals involved, it can be the root of their suffering.
Among single people, the predicament of single women is particularly harsh. Members of a singles club in Shanghai have at least a college degree, and 40% of them are unmarried, with women making up 70% of that group. "Should I remain a virgin until I find an ideal marriage partner? Or should I lower my standards and hastily get married?" This is a real problem faced by many single women struggling to make ends meet.
Although people are no longer as sensitive about sex, discussing it publicly still draws criticism. The installation of condom vending machines in public places sparked controversy at the time, and one social psychologist remains extremely dissatisfied, believing that such actions only lead to promiscuity.
However, avoiding the issue doesn't change its existence.
Li Yinhe, after comparing Eastern and Western sexual attitudes, concluded that in the West, debates about sex often revolve around right and wrong, normal and abnormal, good and evil; in China, the status of sex is associated with issues of importance and insignificance, nobility and shame, and upper and lower social classes.
The disdain and contempt that Chinese people show for sex in public stands in stark contrast to the difficulty they find in achieving physical and mental pleasure without telling risqué jokes in private.
It seems that maintaining an appropriate attitude towards sex is not easy.

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