[Diary Entry 3]

There was no moonlight tonight, and my heart was as still as water. The lights were off inside. A garbage truck was parked outside the building, and sanitation workers were loading trash onto it. I wonder if Nanwei will ever see these entries in my diary. If he does, what will he think? I don't want to guess; I'm afraid to guess now, afraid to remember, but some details I can't forget even if I try.

That night, while Xiao Liang and I were making love, he kept thinking about Zhang Mei. At one point, he kept calling her name. I didn't care; I turned my head to the side and gave him a knowing, mischievous smile.

Later, after Zhang Mei and Nanwei finished, she came to see us, but only glanced at us before running away again. Zhang Mei cried after she left, which reminded me of myself. Strangely, I didn't shed a single tear, and I couldn't even find a trace of sadness. Nanwei, Xiao Liang, and I comforted her.

Her crying was very moving; her tears intensified the emotional element of the game. I think authenticity is good. If everyone is only indulging in pure physical pleasure, it will make us feel even more miserable, and we might even start to doubt our attitude towards love.

Do we still have love?

Women are always a bit sensitive, and I felt sorry for her, just like I felt sorry for myself. So I let Nanwei hold her, and I hugged Nanwei from behind. Actually, I needed him too at that moment, but I didn't say it. I pressed my head against his back, feeling the warmth of his back. I couldn't bear to leave that familiar, warm embrace. It took a long time for Zhang Mei's emotions to stabilize, and I think it was because of the comfort from two men at the same time.

For some reason, I was actually a little jealous of Zhang Mei at that moment.

Zhang Mei and I both thought that the men got more pleasure than the women in this game. We were very friendly then, and her smile was charming. After showering separately, we sat back down in the living room. We discussed how to sleep that night. Actually, while showering, I clearly told Nanwei that I didn't want to spend the whole night with Xiao Liang. It was true; at the time, I hadn't thought about it and didn't want my husband to spend the night with another woman. I was just strongly insisting from my own perspective. So everyone tried to conceal their attitudes during the discussion. Of course, expressing them clearly would inevitably hurt some vulnerable souls to some extent. I smiled and said that I was still not used to sleeping with strangers. If the lights were on, everyone would see my honest, undisguised smile. Nanwei and Xiaoliang didn't really agree with me, because they were still discussing it. In the dim corner, Zhang Mei said, "You decide, I'm fine with whatever." All three of them said the same thing.

I suddenly felt a pang of sadness, a deep depression, yet also a stubbornness. Perhaps they were all hoping for a new feeling of sleep.

I insisted on sleeping with Nanwei; otherwise, I really wouldn't feel comfortable. Nanwei and Xiaoliang both agreed. Nanwei and I returned to the room, and naturally, a slight unpleasantness ensued. I'm not the selfish, willful, or unreasonable woman. I blamed Nanwei for not considering my feelings, for bringing me to this kind of place, for playing this kind of game, for not cherishing me, for not loving me as much as he claimed, and for everything else. I hit him, pinched him, twisted him, and made him swear he loved me. I turned my back, crossed my arms, and let my hair hang forlornly over my chest. Tears streamed down my face, my breathing heavy and labored. I felt that sex made everything fragile; I was sad, I was afraid, I was alone.

My mother once said I was foolish. She saw me always giving in to Nanwei and said I lacked my own opinions, that I would definitely suffer in this area in the future. And she was right.

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