[Shared living]

Let me tell you about my heartache, which has been plaguing me for quite some time: insomnia, anxiety, mental distraction, and a lack of motivation at work—all caused by sharing an apartment with someone of the opposite sex…
We shared an apartment: the three of us—him, me, and my sister. He's a quiet person, rarely initiating contact with us. He works at a nearby company and only stays from Sunday night to Thursday night, leaving on the weekend. At first, I didn't know he was married; I just guessed he must have a girlfriend or something… As for me, I'm also not one to initiate conversations. So, we lived together in a rather distant and unfamiliar way for over half a year.
There was a little incident: my sister is a pretty girl. Some days, she would initiate conversations with him (which I even found offensive). Later, my sister suddenly stopped talking to him. She said that one day while watching TV, he actually hugged her. My sister kicked him hard. After that, we interacted even less. But some things change without us even realizing it…
Due to a change in my work environment, I changed my style of dress, abandoning my previous casual attire and adopting a more feminine style, and started wearing makeup—light makeup. While washing up in the morning, I often saw him and felt his gaze.
Somehow, he started initiating contact and conversation. Being a Libra, I reciprocated in a friendly manner. He said I looked beautiful and gave me a picture of a rose. Because it was summer, my home attire was quite casual and sheer… I wore nightgowns without bras.
One day, he said he wanted to watch TV. After returning home (usually around nine or ten pm) and showering, he would come to my room to watch TV. Since my sister has friends, she often doesn't come home overnight. Therefore, it was often just the two of us, alone in the room. Usually, while he watched TV, I would do laundry on the balcony (which is also in my room, with floor-to-ceiling windows). Sometimes, we would argue… about our different views on life, and so on. But that night, things completely changed.
I was very sleepy. I quickly finished washing the clothes and went back to my room. He was watching TV. I vaguely sensed something was off today, and since I was only wearing a nightgown and no bra, I deliberately avoided him as I walked around. I wandered aimlessly for a bit and noticed he was still watching TV, showing no sign of leaving. I sat on the edge of the bed.
Feeling too tired to read, I simply asked him when he would finish, saying I was sleepy and wanted to go to bed… To my surprise, he suddenly turned and stared at me intently: a look of indescribable desire burning within him. Then, his hands suddenly reached for my arms, grabbing them and saying, “Let me kiss you, just a kiss…”
I was stunned! Having never had any contact with a man before, I stood up frozen. He, however, pressed me down, leaned over and sat on the bed, then hugged me, trying to kiss me. I resisted, dodging left and right, trying to keep him from kissing my lips. In the struggle, the straps of my nightgown loosened, revealing my rather full breasts, and the hem of my skirt was lifted, exposing my legs.
With a resolute resistance, he couldn't succeed for a moment. Meanwhile, I kept calling out, "Please calm down, please go back to your room and calm down. I'll pretend nothing happened." He actually stopped. Secretly relieved, I pushed him up and tried to leave. He didn't move, stubbornly sitting beside me, saying he needed to sit down and calm down.
I felt incredibly embarrassed and distressed, sobbing uncontrollably. Then, I adjusted my dress, protecting my body from revealing too much. He watched from the side, but I dared not and did not want to look at him. Suddenly, he reached out and pulled me close, pinning me completely to the bed, trying to kiss me. Even more terrifying, he actually put his hand inside my nightgown, trying to touch my
buttocks. This terrified me even more, and I resisted even more desperately. However, his fingers actually went inside my buttocks. I screamed as if electrocuted, my whole body trembling, almost fainting. At this moment, he stopped. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and I kept hearing his voice in my ears, repeatedly saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and slapping himself...
It was a terrible thing... Once it started, it continued, developing into this terrible situation. Being a typical Libra, I considered that he might move out of shame, causing us financial trouble. So, the next day, after my emotions had calmed down, I took the initiative to text him, asking to talk that evening.
He, in turn, wrote on MSN: "I made an unforgivable mistake; I'll be blocking MSN, my phone number, etc." That night, out of fear and shame, I stayed in my room, not saying a word to him, only contacting him via text message... even though we had both returned home. Later, he knocked on the door, asking what I wanted. I didn't speak, because I was terrified of hearing his voice, even more terrified of seeing him. Looking around, he said, "Let's go for a walk!"
I walked ahead without saying a word. Finally, he stopped and asked where we were going. I was speechless and stopped. Then, he started smoking. Unable to stand the cigarette smoke, I started coughing. He threw away his cigarette and said, "Let's tell a story!" He told me about Su Tong's "Cherry"... a story about loneliness.
During this conversation, his eloquence and understanding of literature subtly lessened my dislike and increased my liking for him. Somehow, I said, "Let's let bygones be bygones, we can still be friends." After I got back and closed my bedroom door, he knocked, asking me to open it, claiming he had something to say. Out of fear, I didn't open it. He went back inside. The next day, he changed his MSN title to: "A long, long time ago, cherry..."
That night, there was a company dinner, and I got home very late, almost midnight. When I opened the door, he appeared and said, "Why are you so late?" The room was dark, and it was just the two of us.
After showering, I went back to my room, but somehow, as if expecting something, I opened the door again and went to the bathroom. But when I went back to close the door, he suddenly appeared and pushed it open. I tried to hold it open, but ultimately, I couldn't, and the door was pushed open. He suddenly grabbed me and dragged me to his room. The scene from the first night repeated itself.
But even worse, he touched my breasts and started kissing them. This unprecedented experience terrified me. I screamed and struggled. He didn't succeed, but I was exhausted. He took my hand and told me to lie down on his bed, promising he wouldn't do anything more. And indeed, I fell asleep. He gently patted my back, and in the extreme exhaustion and the warmth of his gentle touch, like a mother's pat, I slept… Later, vaguely, he took off my pants…
This continued for several nights, and I was utterly exhausted… Although I preserved my virginity, I was nearly completely drained. But, frankly, he gave me a completely new experience with sex, stirring a slight flutter in my young, curious heart. I felt a little curious and expectant about him and his touch.
Unconsciously, with a mixture of curiosity and indulgence, I had more contact with him, half-heartedly… However, I always vehemently resisted having a real sexual relationship with him. Right now, I'm confused and upset. I'm suffering from insomnia and can't concentrate at work. This state is seriously affecting my life.
I crave his embrace and caresses, but reason makes me feel uncomfortable and lost. He's a married man with children, while I'm a girl who's never been in a relationship. I long for us to be together, for us to have a proper relationship, but we keep playing different roles—familiar and unfamiliar—because of external factors. I long for his genuine love, but I feel he's more interested in sex, so I spend my days in constant suspicion, doubt, and anxiety.
What's wrong with me? I know I shouldn't continue like this… Being a homewrecker is wrong, but I have too many expectations, longings, and reluctance to let go. While wavering, I keep trying to verify if he truly loves me.
My life has been turned upside down. What should I do? Because of missing him, longing, or the desire for contact, I usually have insomnia at night, and during the day, due to lack of rest, I'm listless and lethargic, which affects my work…
What should I do? Please show me a way out! Thank you.
1. Countless sleazy men these days use the guise of "literary young men" to pick up girls. His loneliness and what books he's read are irrelevant to you. You need to understand that you're just roommates, not sexual partners, but he wants to develop you into one.
2. Regardless of your own emotional and sexual experience, don't tolerate him anymore. If you don't love each other, being together will only bring loneliness. He doesn't love his wife, so he has no reason to love you. Besides telling you you look beautiful, how much does he really know about you? Continuing like this is just asking for trouble.
3. If he tries again, on behalf of all the girls, give him a good kick.

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