Brother, I'll expose myself, no need for you to bother. If I've lied, please slap me.

As I write this title, my heart is shattered... I've never felt so defeated as a person. About two or three months ago, I came across 69 Paradise and read everyone's blog posts. I realized that life could be so carefree, so I registered an account. My username is "saintsaga," which means Saga from Saint Seiya, my favorite anime character. My password is "terminator," which means the Terminator, my favorite movie. But for more than two months, I haven't posted anything or written any blog posts. I've just been observing from the sidelines. No matter what, I always felt that such happiness was far away from me. I'm 27 this year, born on December 17, 1986. I'm 172 cm tall, married, and have truly loved twice. The first time was in my senior year of high school. I felt I loved wholeheartedly. Back then, my online name was Bingxi. At first, I published articles in the school magazine for a fee, but after we got together, I stopped submitting articles and focused on writing "Bingxi's Little Notes" to record our love. I finished three volumes, and when I was almost finished with the fourth, I found out she was with him. I didn't ask her anything. She told me, "I liked you in my second year of high school, but you were always quiet and ignored me. I thought you didn't like me, so I got together with him. For the past two years, he's been by my side, and slowly I've fallen in love with him too. Later, you told me you liked me, and I was so happy I wanted to jump for joy. I couldn't help but secretly smile during class." I realized I still loved you, but I also loved him. He said he didn't mind me being with you. Senior year was coming to an end soon, and we would all go our separate ways. In the remaining days, I didn't want to lose you, nor did I want to lose him. Could you be as forgiving of me and him as he was of you and me?" I smiled and said, "No. I'm leaving." Then I took my books back to my dorm and didn't go back to class until I filled out my college application. I think the back view I left her must have looked very dashing, but my friends knew that I had been drinking glucose for more than a week to barely eat anything. On the day of the college entrance exam, I was dizzy and couldn't even find a ballpoint pen. I hurriedly went to the shop at the school gate, bought a ballpoint pen, a 2B pencil, and an eraser, and went into the exam hall. That year, I scored 493 points on the college entrance exam, and the cutoff score for third-tier universities was 508.I studied for another year, my senior year of high school. A very, very good girl became my girlfriend. I didn't love her, but I didn't want to hurt her, after all, a fourth year of high school is crucial for everyone's life. I didn't want to ruin her life, so I told her I loved her as much as she loved me. She was a good girl, spending most of her time studying in the classroom, so I spent most of my time with another girl, the girl in another blog post titled "The Girl Who Once Made Your Heart Ache." There was no love between us, we both knew that, but seeing each other made us feel at ease, and we had a great connection. She healed my heartache. Then came the college entrance exam again, and I got into a second-tier university. Back then, cell phones weren't common, so we quickly lost contact. During my freshman year of college, I met another girl who briefly entered my life but was enough to change the entire trajectory of my life. I was afraid to love her; I longed for her but outwardly resisted. But in the end, I still fell in love because her love was so meticulous and passionate. I felt so happy, truly. During winter break, she even bought me some jujube slices to take to my grandmother. She knew that I grew up with my grandmother when I was little. At that moment, I was so moved that I cried. I secretly vowed that this girl was the meaning of my life. However, what started beautifully turned into a sad countdown. On the afternoon of Lunar New Year's Eve, my family was very happy. I received a phone call from her. You can imagine how happy I was when I answered. But suddenly, everything went dark. Her first words were, "Xiao Bei, let's break up." I was a little dazed and asked her why. She said, "It's fate. When I came back from the holiday, I found out that his (her first boyfriend) family had bought a new house in the same neighborhood as my family's house. Then we met up, went out together, and then we slept together again. I've been with him all this time, and I think I still love him..." I could barely hear the rest of her words. I turned off my phone and told my parents I was going out for a bit. I didn't want them to be unhappy because of me on the eve of the Lunar New Year. I rode my motorcycle, almost throttled to the floor, to the banks of the Fen River. Finally, I couldn't hold back anymore and burst into tears… I returned home as dusk approached, trying my best to appear happy. For the next few days, I was a good actor, smiling during the day and locking myself in my room to cry silently at night. Finally, on the sixth day of the Lunar New Year, I couldn't keep up the act any longer. I bought a train ticket and went back to school. Everyone knows that university semesters start late. Every day, I was alone in the huge dormitory building. The daytime was alright, but at night, loneliness, solitude, pain, and fear all surged up and enveloped me. If my first heartbreak had severely damaged me, this time, I was truly utterly devastated. "Every part of my body is cracked, and sorrow gushes out from every crack…" As I wrote those words, I understood what it meant to feel like I was living a life worse than death. ...Finally, the start of the semester arrived. My roommate asked when I arrived, and I said I had just arrived. She asked where my little one was, and I laughed and cried... Later, everyone knew what had happened and stopped asking. I just drifted along like that, until one day I stood on the roof of the No. 1 teaching building, wanting to experience the feeling of freefall, but ultimately I didn't have the courage. I lingered there for a long time until a professor found me. She called me to her office, locked the door, and hugged me. Without any comfort, she said, "I know everything, Xiao Bei. You did nothing wrong. No matter what, you must remember that you did nothing wrong..." I cried like a child in her arms. I will be grateful to this teacher for the rest of my life. We rarely spoke (professors and students in universities generally don't talk much), but her hug will never fade from my life. Later, I applied to withdraw from school. My major professor told me that I had a great talent in my major and that he thought highly of me. He suggested that I take a leave of absence and come back to continue studying next year when I had adjusted my mindset. I agreed, but I never thought about going back because I couldn't face it. Later, I really didn't go back. Then I went to Zhejiang, then to Shanghai, working odd jobs, waiting tables, working in factories. Countless girls were around me, but I was never moved. How can you move when your heart is dead? I didn't think about tomorrow, I didn't think about women. I was still a virgin at 23. My meager salary was all gambled away. That year, I met my wife, a silly woman, a pitiful yet hateful woman. My buddies all said I should find a girlfriend. I just smiled, a bitter smile. After they said it so many times, I casually said, "Whoever washes my dirty winter clothes, I'll find them to be my girlfriend." Then, on a day off, my wife came to visit me. I was a little surprised because we weren't close. After watching TV for a while, she said, "Don't you have some dirty winter clothes that you haven't washed? I'll wash them for you, so they don't get moldy." Then I washed up, and everyone in the workshop knew about it and started teasing me. For a while afterward, I felt that she loved me very much, so I told her, "I will never fall in love with any woman again, including you. I don't want to date, and it's the same whether I marry that woman or not. If you're willing, if you're a virgin, let's get married. Are you willing?" She said yes. I asked, "Are you a virgin?" She didn't say anything. I said if she was, she could sleep at my place tonight, and I would take her home for the New Year. If she wasn't, I'm sorry, this is my only request. We stayed together that night, but she wasn't. I was disappointed, and more than that, I felt a sense of tension. The next day, everyone in the workshop knew we were staying together, and they all said I was lucky to have found a virgin. I was speechless with bitterness. I told her I wanted to break up, and she came to my place crying. I couldn't help but drag things out. Then we broke up again, she cried again, and threatened to kill herself. This happened three times. I felt like I was doomed. Then she got pregnant. She said if I didn't want the baby, she would give birth to it and raise it herself. Maybe I really am worthless, but my conscience has never been dead, so we got married. Married life was predictable; we barely spoke to each other. But I love my child, truly. The moment she was born, the nurse handed her to my grandmother, and the instant my grandmother gave her to me, tears welled up in my eyes… I stayed in my hometown for half a year… I spent the last year with her (and the child), and then I felt I needed to think about the future, so I came back to Shanghai. I worked while studying for a part-time college diploma for two and a half years, and then took the Level 2 Construction Engineer exam. From 2010 until now, my monthly salary has increased from 1600 to 6000 yuan, but I feel it's still far from enough. This year, I took the Level 1 Construction Engineer exam. My wife came to Shanghai when our child was one year old, but after she arrived, some of her previously nonexistent flaws started to surface. Actually, she doesn't have any other flaws, except that she doesn't want to work. We've argued about this countless times. I don't really have any demands on her; I just want her to have a regular job, because you really can't afford to be idle in Shanghai. But no matter how much I try to persuade her, she won't listen. She says I'm not capable enough to rely on her working. Isn't it normal for a 27-year-old woman to work? The child is so young and has to stay with his grandparents. To be honest, I feel like my heart is being torn apart by guilt towards the child, so I told her, "Why don't you go back to your hometown to take care of the child since you don't want to work?" But she doesn't want to take care of the child either. At first, I didn't love her; later, I simply loathed her. Finally, two years ago, after a fierce argument, I wrote up a divorce agreement and signed it, saying to her, "You always threatened to kill yourself before. How about this, today it's either you die, or I die, or we go home and get a divorce." We went back to our hometown. Our child could already call us "Mom." Although she wasn't with us, she knew how close she was to us. Looking at her innocent face, my tears fell again. I didn't know how I would answer her when she asked for her mother in the future. When she saw me crying, she said, "Let's not get a divorce. I'll definitely find a job after we go back to Shanghai." My family also persuaded us to come back. After we returned, I went to work every day, and she stopped talking about finding a job. I urged her to look for one, and even friends helped introduce her to jobs, but she wasn't willing to do any of them. Later, I said, "Let's go back and finish what we haven't done yet." She had just found a job, worked for two months, and then quit. I told her that if she really didn't want to work, she shouldn't. Then I enrolled her in the Level 2 Construction Engineer exam and explained the knowledge to her every day after she came home. She took the exam last June and found another job. In October, the results came out, and she actually passed the exam. Then she just waited for the certificate to be issued and then registered with my company. She was registered in March of this year and then took the B certificate exam. By this time, we hardly spoke to each other anymore. It wasn't that we didn't talk, but that we had nothing to say to each other. I told her to go back home because the child needed to go to school. She felt that there was no point in staying here, so she went back home.Later I saw 69. Honestly, in my situation, I really didn't know whether to register as a couple or as a single man. After thinking it over, I decided to register as a single man. Only couples with a strong, genuine love would register as a couple. After observing for over two months, I upgraded to a premium membership and added about five people. Three couples politely declined when they heard I was a single man. There was also a single woman from Guangxi, the one who commented on my blog. We chatted for a while, only about relationships and life, without touching on sex. Then I met "a guy in Shanghai," whom I called "brother." We chatted for two or three nights, except when I mentioned I was... He's a single man, and he's been completely open with me about everything else. Even the QQ number I gave him was for work; my photo album and blog were completely open. I've been honest about my job, address, age—everything. I even told him about my Buddhist faith and my habit of regularly burning incense and making donations. However, despite asking him at least three times, he never told me about his job or anything else. He only mentioned that he wasn't a white-collar worker and didn't have a high level of education. I advised him to learn something while he's young, and offered to help him if he wanted, or that I had friends who could. But he said he wasn't interested, though this didn't affect our relationship. During our conversation, he showed me a picture of my sister-in-law. She's very fair-skinned and has great skin, which I really like. I felt that having one close friend was enough; sex is a spice of life, but it shouldn't be too promiscuous. So, I gave my older brother my account password and deleted all the QQ contacts I'd added on 69.com, and haven't added anyone since. If anyone is still my friend, feel free to slap me. Everything seemed perfect. Last week, I went on a business trip to Anhui. On my first night back, my older brother suddenly questioned me. Apparently, he'd found my post on a forum about making a wish, which mentioned my wife. My brother first sent me a picture of a woman, frankly saying he didn't know her and didn't know where the picture came from. I said if he told me where it came from, maybe I could explain, but he wouldn't say anything, just kept saying I had lied to him. I told him that if he had any questions, he could ask me directly, and I would answer them all, but I'm still completely confused. I don't know what he's concerned about because he's unwilling to say. I think if he says I lied to him, it's because I'm a single man, so I explained everything from beginning to end. He said maybe he was overthinking it and had misunderstood. I think everyone can understand that there are many single men in their 20s, 30s, and even 40s in the 69 group. Are they all unmarried? Maybe it's just because their marriages aren't going well. I think my brother can understand. I apologized repeatedly, and he said it was fine, saying his wife is a traditional woman and wouldn't accept this. He also promised his wife that he would never mention threesomes again. I thought as long as my older brother could understand, it didn't necessarily have to be a threesome; being ordinary friends would be fine too. But in the following two days, I greeted him twice, but he didn't reply. I figured once a rift formed, things could never go back to the way they were before. Rather than an awkward situation, I preferred to remain strangers, so I deleted him. Now, I don't have any friends from 69 on my QQ, and I haven't added any more. Like I said before, any of you who added me can come out and slap me! My older brother said he changed my account password in a fit of anger, and then gave it back to me. I didn't change it until after I deleted him. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Even if I don't add any more friends from 69, I want to retain some of my privacy, since it contains my contact information, photos, blog posts, etc. I hope my older brother can understand. Two days ago I wrote another blog post, "Remembering Us Who Have Gone," and then I haven't been back to 69. This place has become a little sore spot, but when I checked it tonight, I found a comment from my brother: "If I find out you're using the same methods you used to deceive other kind couples, I'll expose you. Think twice..." It hurts so much. Brother, I beg you, tell me what you want to ask me, what you want to know, how I deceived you, and how much harm I caused you. I beg you to expose me, to reveal everything I said and how we talked. I beg you! Before you expose me, let me expose myself first. If you think I lied anywhere, or went too far, please point it out. Really, I beg you, because this comment is too much for me to bear!

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Brother, I'll expose myself, no need for you to bother. If I've lied, please slap me.

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