The formation of my cuckoldry desire

I wasn't born with a cuckold's urge; it was something I deliberately cultivated for my wife.
My wife had boyfriends before me, and I once told her, "Don't tell me about your past. Everyone has a past, but I can pretend you don't." Yes, that's what I said. I don't have a high level of education, but I've read quite a few books, so I know some women are born without a hymen, while others accidentally break it during sports. Regardless of the truth, I'll treat it as such an example.
But she was foolish; she insisted on telling me the "truth," and then I wavered in agony. She probably thought "being raped" was a better explanation, because that explanation could absolve her of responsibility, but she didn't realize that for a man, even past events involving the woman he loves can still bring pain and anger. I pretended not to care, but my heart was bleeding. I didn't even dare to consider breaking up with her; in my mind, that would be too shameful—to be unable to avenge my woman and instead run away in a cowardly manner, what kind of man is that?
After some time, when I couldn't help but ask again, she changed her story, saying, "Actually, it should be considered semi-rape." The anger that had been burning within me for so long instantly subsided, replaced by a feeling of wanting to punch the air and cough up blood… What the hell? Was I hating someone I didn't need to hate? What was she hiding? That's when the thought of breaking up with her started to cross my mind. I was furious, and I did bring it up several times. Each time, she cried and blamed herself. Once, she had already packed her things and was about to leave. Before leaving, she fed the goldfish with tears in her eyes, saying, "This is the last time I'll feed you. Eat properly from now on, don't eat too much, or you'll get sick."
My heart softened instantly.
I knew I couldn't get rid of her; I wasn't ruthless enough. But I didn't want to suffer like this forever. I didn't want a huge shadow to forever loom over my life, didn't want to feel like a needle pricking my heart every time I heard or saw words like "virgin," "virgin territory," or "first time."
When you can't change the facts, the only thing you can do is change yourself.
I recalled a comic I read a long time ago called "The Wounded Chaser." One scene involved the protagonist offending a powerful organization, whose leader ordered his wife (or possibly girlfriend) to be raped in front of him. The protagonist, in his rage, inexplicably became aroused. The book mentioned that "every man harbors a desire for his wife to be violated."
That must be true. When she recounted the experience, I too felt a mixture of anger and excitement, though anger dominated at that moment.
From then on, every time I had sex with her, I would deliberately imagine the deflowering process she described, a practice that lasted for a year. Eventually, I successfully distorted my beliefs. The physical pleasure and that fantasy were repeatedly juxtaposed, eventually forming a conditioned reflex where the mere thought of my wife being violated by another man aroused me. And as time passed, this deliberately distorted belief became more ingrained, and my desire for cuckoldry intensified.
At the time, I thought I was making a sacrifice; now I think I made a wise choice. These days, wives cheating on their husbands isn't uncommon, and things like drugging and raping happen frequently. I used to be terrified of these things, but now, that fear has turned into joy. If my wife told me she'd been raped, I think the first thing I'd do is strip her naked and have sex with her while there's still semen in her vagina. As long as they don't do anything else to harm her, if it's just drugging, raping, or gang rape, I'll only feel intense excitement and pleasure. It's also a good thing for her; whether it's a momentary impulse or being raped, she won't have to worry about me disliking her.
Long live wife-cuckolding!

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The formation of my cuckoldry desire

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