Diary 1

Lacking abundant talent, unable to craft a florid and ornate article, I can only record my inner feelings with simple words. Therefore, this is merely a diary, a monologue of my heart.
After breaking up with my lover last November, I registered on 69 (a dating website). Having had a few experiences, I thought I would never love again, only experience pure lust. And indeed, I always thought I was a fickle man, prone to having romantic feelings for women I'd been with, but after breaking up with her, those feelings disappeared. By chance, I joined a chat group, thinking I could develop another one-night stand, or even multiple. Later, I discovered the group members were scattered across the country, so I abandoned the idea of casual sex and focused on being a good matchmaker. The closest person to me was half a day away, and unfortunately, I lacked the time.
She was also in the group, but I didn't notice her at first because she was so far away. I only knew she had been hurt in a past relationship. Because I was too eager to be a matchmaker, she couldn't stand it anymore and gave me a severe scolding. Because the male-to-female ratio in this group was almost 1:3, I was really worried about offending her as an administrator and being kicked out, so I humbled myself and said the nicest things to her until she forgave me. From then on, I dared not provoke her or talk to her casually. Until I told her story about my lover in the group, I found that her attitude towards me changed, and she no longer targeted me whenever she saw me. Until one day, she spoke to me very gently, and I nervously messaged her privately. Because I was worried that her gentleness towards me was another way of messing with me, I tentatively said to her, "If you keep doing this, I'll take it seriously." I thought she would laugh and tell me that I had seen through her! But the result was beyond my expectations. She was also worried that I was trying to get back at her and said that on purpose. After some mutual testing, I confirmed that she was moved by my feelings for my lover and wanted to get some warmth from me. Her personality seemed strong, independent, and self-reliant, but I found that her heart was very fragile. In matters of the heart, she was like a little rabbit, running away at the slightest disturbance. To be honest, I was single at the time and longed to meet another woman I could fall in love with. But I never expected it to be her, because she wasn't married yet.
I don't know what my motives were—maybe male pride, maybe pity for her past hurt and her yearning for warmth, maybe I just wanted to try loving someone again—but anyway, we got together. I calmly told her, "I'm married. I can't give you a family or responsibility. I can only care for you with words. Because we live so far apart, I can't even be there to take care of you when you're sick." She said she didn't need that; she just needed her warmth. I knew things weren't that simple; I knew I would fall in love with her as we spent more time together. I don't know what I did to be so lucky to win a girl's affection, so I told her, "If one day you fall in love with me, let's break up. I can't hold you back." She worried that I would lose interest after a few days because she wasn't as good as I imagined. "If you don't leave me, I will never abandon you," I blurted out, not realizing that promises are uncertain and shouldn't be made lightly.
Gradually, I started chatting and calling her every day, getting to know her better and feeling even more affection for her. In my heart, she seemed like a porcelain doll. I slowly began to like her, but I became increasingly conflicted, wondering if continuing like this was holding her back. I thought she cherished the warmth I brought her, not me as a person. I thought her feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for her. I felt I had fallen in love with her, and I thought loving her meant considering her needs. Every day I struggled with how to treat her, unwilling to let go yet not wanting to hold her back. Then, I privately chatted with a friend in a group chat, sharing my confusion. She asked me, "What can you give her if you love me?" I was speechless. I said that giving up now would hurt her. She said that continuing like this would only hold her back. At that moment, I felt incredibly terrible. I had just fallen for a girl, yet I had to let go. I couldn't bear it. But I felt that loving her meant I should do something. I asked my friend to tell her, "Leaving isn't because I don't love you anymore, but because I truly love you." I called her, reminding her to eat and rest on time and not to stay up late. Then I left the group chat and deleted her from my friends list. A little while later, she called to ask why. I was silent for a moment, then just said sorry and hung up. She texted me, begging me to answer the phone again. She cried and asked why, "Is this what you meant by 'never abandoning'?" At that moment, I understood what it meant to be heartbroken and unable to breathe. She cared about me more than I thought. She said, "I thought anyone could hurt me, but I never thought you would. Thank you for making me who I am." She told a guy in a group chat, "Let's be lovers until you have a girlfriend." At that moment, I felt incredibly regretful. I thought I loved her and that what I did was right. But I didn't respect her and hurt her deeply. I was worried she would actually do what she said, so I kept calling her, alternating between two numbers. At first, she hung up, then she blocked me. I could only leave her messages on QQ, begging for her forgiveness. When I got home, I had no appetite and made an excuse to go out. I kept leaving her messages, but she ignored me. Because I hadn't eaten, my stomach started acting up again, and it started hurting. The stomach pain that usually bothered me didn't seem like a big deal then. She still couldn't bear to part with me, telling me to go eat and we could talk afterward. I really had no appetite then, but since she was talking to me, I had to go along with her. I waited by the roadside for about ten minutes, then told her I'd already eaten, and continued talking to her, begging for her forgiveness and asking my friend for help. She asked me, "Have you decided?" I said yes, no matter what others said about me being selfish, I wouldn't let go. She said okay, she'd try to persuade her. It was almost two o'clock, and I was still talking to her. Perhaps she remembered I'd been busy with work lately, and she told me to think about it. So I didn't dare bother her anymore and went to work.
After finishing work, I immediately went to find her. She said she might not love me the same way as before. I said it was okay. Finally, she said, "I promise you." At that moment, my biggest feeling wasn't relief, but rather that I was incredibly hungry.
I didn't know what I had that made her like me, that made her have feelings for me. I was married, not handsome, and poor. I didn't know why this girl liked me. At that time, I only wanted to cherish her and not let her down. Maybe I overestimated myself and underestimated her. I overestimated that I wouldn't fall in love with her, and underestimated her clear-headed understanding of relationships. She worried I would become obsessed and affect my family, so she poured cold water on my hopes, saying, "I won't cling to someone who isn't meant for me, I'll only cling to the feeling, not you, you know that." Okay, I admit I was disappointed, but wasn't this exactly what I wanted in the first place? Love is like a rubber band; the one who lets go last always gets hurt. I hope that in the future I'll be the one who lets go last, and won't hurt her again. This is the first diary entry about her, and I wish I could keep writing forever, without end...
I don't know what I'm capable of that makes her like me, that makes her have feelings for me. I'm married, not handsome, and poor. I don't know why this girl likes me. Back then, all I wanted was to never betray her kindness and to cherish her from then on. Maybe I overestimated myself and underestimated her. I overestimated that I wouldn't fall in love with her, and underestimated her clear-headed understanding of relationships. She worried I would become obsessed and affect my family, so she poured cold water on my hopes, saying, "I won't cling to someone who isn't meant for me, I'll only cling to the feeling, not you, you know that." Okay, I admit I'm disappointed, but isn't this exactly what I wanted? Love is like a rubber band; the one who lets go last always gets hurt. I hope that next time I'll be the one who lets go last, and won't hurt her again. This is the first diary entry about her; I wish I could keep writing forever, without end...

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