Guilt and Regret

In my twenty-odd years of life, there have been many regrets, but there's a kind of guilt that might only happen once in a lifetime, because it's a regret caused only in a specific period of my life. I was probably 19 or 20 then, still an undergraduate student, not in Wuhan, but in another provincial capital city—I won't say which one. She was 30, working in the insurance industry. She was probably a bit higher up than the average employee, a team leader or something, with a dozen or so people under her. Back then, there was no WeChat, we met through QQ chat. Her home was near my school, so it was quite a coincidence. My school was a very good one, so she trusted me quite a bit. Our first meeting was in the afternoon, on a weekend. She wore a red wool coat. Later, she told me that red might make me look younger than her. I remember it was getting dark when we went to see a movie—I forget what movie it was—but I remember I was too shy to hold her hand during the movie. But as we walked out of the shopping mall after the movie, I decisively took her hand. She didn't resist, but changed the subject and started talking to me. I was quite happy then, thinking there was hope. To give you some background, back then, besides school, all I could think about were women. But I wasn't some rich kid; I was just a poor student. Luckily, I was reasonably well-off, so I often met women on QQ. I've always preferred mature women. After our first meeting, I took her home. Nothing happened. Most people wouldn't let a complete stranger into their home, but this was her. She trusted me, knowing I was reliable and safe. She was also quite easygoing. Because of her husband's work, she was home alone for about 10 days each month. Her child, around 3-5 years old, lived with her maternal grandparents. That was the end of our first meeting; we only exchanged phone numbers. Later, she would ask me for help when she needed something, and we'd eat together. She was very kind to me, always putting good food on my plate. I paid for the meals, and she paid for them each time. Our first time having sex was at her house. She said her husband was short-lived, and she orgasmed easily, so it was quite harmonious with him; they finished in a few minutes. She said having sex with me was more tiring; I lasted longer, but she seemed to enjoy it. I could tell she was trying to satisfy me. She's the kind of woman who only has desires occasionally, so she doesn't indulge in sex. She didn't sleep well that night. Later, I said I should leave, and she agreed, otherwise she'd always worry about her husband coming back. I went back to school. She has a good figure, is quite tall, and always wears high heels because of her job. She has large breasts, but they're soft—at least they're real. Her husband is much older than her, which is probably why she wants to have another relationship. But I feel like I've let each other down; I feel like I've let myself down as well as her. Once, she called me and said she was passing by my school on her way back from the street and asked me to come out. I went to the main gate and saw her. She gave me a pair of thick fleece pants. I'm not the kind of person who pretends; I'm not good with words, so I just said thank you and didn't say anything else. Afterwards, she went home, and I went back to my dorm. Our relationship was like siblings, but also had a romantic element; like lovers, but with more trust and mutual appreciation than just sex. I admired her independence and ambition; she's one of the most ambitious people I've ever met. And she probably liked that I was reliable and dependable.
Actually, we both thought our relationship was pretty good. It's just that I... sigh, back then my mind was completely occupied with women—different women, all kinds of women. If it were now, I might treat her even better, I would cherish her more, I would buy her gifts, and I would maintain that friendship. After all, I was still a student then, I had nothing, very few friendships, and maybe other women too, but her place in my heart was unshakeable. But back then, even though I knew her, I still frequently flirted with other women online, never satisfied, never truly committed. I was too young then, always feeling I should have more women—it was all my fault. Let me get straight to the point. Once, I was trying to meet someone on QQ, and a strange woman added me. We chatted for half an hour, agreeing to meet at a hotel near my school. I went first, booked a room, and waited for her. I had given her my phone number beforehand, but she said it wasn't convenient to exchange it, so I didn't have her number. I waited in the room for her call, but there was no response. Later, I left the hotel and went to an internet cafe to check on QQ and tell her I had arrived and which room I was in. But she was never online on QQ. I was so naive back then, and I'm still naive now, but I was even more naive then. I was just upset that she didn't show up for our date, unaware that this strange woman was actually her, testing me. That day, I waited alone in the hotel until 10 pm before going back to my dorm. Afterwards, things were the same as before; she didn't immediately tell me it was her. We lost touch after that, and then more than a year later, we met again in her car. She had fulfilled her wish from that year—to buy a car, albeit a very ordinary joint-venture model. I was still very happy for her. I remember when she talked about her wish, she asked me what my wish was back then, and I said I wanted to be recommended for graduate school. My wish came true; I was recommended to my own university. When we met again, I was already a first-year graduate student. This time, although it felt like meeting an old friend, it was different. We were no longer lovers, and even the dependence on each other was gone. It was during this meeting that she told me that she was the one who stood me up during our QQ chat. Only then did I realize that I had regretfully missed out on a sincere relationship. Whatever the feelings were, they weren't fake; I genuinely liked her, even a little bit loved her personality and her body. After that, I never saw her again. The day before I graduated and left that city, I had already bought my train ticket. Although I was very busy those days, and had to carry my luggage by bicycle many times to get it all done, I knew there was one thing I needed to do before leaving: treat her to a meal and tell her I was leaving. The morning before my train left, I called her, not for anything else, just wanting to have a meal with her and say sorry, but she didn't answer and hung up. I sent a text message, but there was no reply; maybe she was busy that day. And so, I went to another city to study and work. For many years, I kept those thick fleece pants, leaving behind guilt and regret in that city.
I'm lustful, perhaps lonely, perhaps always searching for that maternal love that seems to be congenitally missing in my heart. I hope that I can make up for this friendship, even if it's with another girl, to lessen the guilt.

URL 1:https://www.sexlove5.com/htmlBlog/94988.html

URL 2:/Blog.aspx?id=94988&aspx=1

Previous Page : Having sex naked with my wife on the 25th-floor balcony of the resort

Next Page : I inserted my daughter

增加

comment Open a new window to view comments

Contact Information

Guilt and Regret

comment Open a new window to view comments