A Dark Beginning

After posting my blog yesterday, I realized that starting with my cousin wouldn't fully capture the origins of my inner darkness. So, I decided to begin with the earliest and most vague memories. I'm not a learned person, and my writing isn't particularly sophisticated, so please bear with what you see. It might read like a diary, but I can only briefly explain the beginning of my dark emotional journey.
It sounds simple, but actually writing it down is quite difficult. Let's start with my earliest memories.
When I was little, my family wasn't well-off. My father worked in the county town, and my mother farmed. There were many older sisters in the family, and only three main rooms. One room had to be reserved as a living room, leaving only two rooms for living. My sisters lived in the west room, and my parents and I lived in the east room. I don't know if others have ever seen my parents making love, but since I slept in the same bed with them, I witnessed it quite a few times. I can't remember exactly when I started seeing it, and even the earliest times I can recall, I can't remember the details or the timing. I'll just talk about a few that I remember somewhat vividly.
I remember when I was six years old, it was almost wheat harvest time, and it was getting hot. One night, very late, my dad suddenly came home. I was already asleep, but I vaguely felt some movement beside me. Maybe I was woken up by noise, or maybe I needed to pee. I squinted and saw my dad standing by the bed, and my mom lying on top of her. My mom's legs were raised high, and my dad was on top of her. There was no light, so I couldn't see clearly, and I was also half asleep. Now I think it was probably my dad suckling at my mom's breast, and he was moving around. At the time, I didn't know what it was, but now I know it was my dad having sex with my mom. After I woke up, I think I said I needed to pee, but I don't remember exactly what I said. My mom said something to my dad, and then I saw him get off my mom. Maybe she said, "The child is awake, don't wet the bed." I don't remember if my parents continued after that. This is the earliest memory I have of seeing my parents having sex, although I didn't understand what it was.
When I was seven, I started elementary school and lived with my father in the city. In the early 1980s, there weren't any family quarters for employees of work units; it was just a single room with a curtain in the middle. The kitchen was outside, and there was a bed inside. My mother was still in our hometown, and she would come to visit every ten days or so. One time, she came, and it was late at night, probably around 11 or 12 o'clock. I felt the bed moving and making noise, so I woke up. My parents slept at one end, and I slept at the foot of their bed. The moonlight was very bright in July or August, and I remember this very clearly. I could see clearly that my mother was lying down, and my father was on top of her, with her legs spread apart and on his shoulders. I was at their feet, and I could see my father's penis penetrating my mother. He wasn't penetrating fast, just a few strokes. I could vaguely hear my mother saying something, but I couldn't make it out clearly. She was probably telling my father to fuck her harder. The only thing I could hear clearly was that my mother called my father "Xue Ge" (a nickname for my father). I kept watching like that. After a while, not long, maybe four or five minutes, I saw Dad's buttocks suddenly move faster a few times, and then he lay still on top of Mom. He stayed still for what felt like several seconds, maybe a minute. Then Dad got up, and I saw some fluid coming out of Mom's vagina. That was the first time I could remember seeing Mom's vagina; it was completely smooth, without a single hair. At the time, I didn't understand and thought all women were like that. Many years later, I learned that Mom had a "white tiger" vagina. Afraid that my parents would find out I was peeking, I quickly pretended to be asleep and then fell asleep.
The year I was in third grade, we went back to my hometown for the wheat harvest. The harvested wheat was drying in the threshing ground. My parents had gone home, and I was there watching over it to make sure the chickens, ducks, and birds didn't eat it. Children can't do heavy work, so watching over the wheat was the job of the children. Suddenly it started raining heavily, so I ran home as fast as I could. When I got home, I saw the main room door was closed, and I wondered if everyone had gone to the fields to harvest wheat. Suddenly, I heard a noise from the inner room, so I looked through the window. Back then, windows were all made of wood, without glass or anything like that. In winter, they were blocked with old cotton quilts, and in hot weather, they were covered with newspapers or something similar. Through the crack, I saw my mother standing at the loom, her hands probably resting on the board she sat on while weaving, her back bent. My father was standing behind her, one hand on her waist, the other in front of her, probably touching her breast. I don't know... I don't know when they started, but when I saw it, it was almost over. Dad was fucking very fast, and Mom kept yelling, "Hurry up, fuck me to death!" There seemed to be other things too, but I don't remember. I watched for a minute or two, and then Dad suddenly pulled out his penis, pressed Mom's back, and Mom turned around and squatted down. As soon as she squatted down, I saw Dad's penis sway and some white, slightly yellowish stuff dripped out, onto Mom's neck and some onto her breasts. Then I heard Mom say, "Go check outside, it's so big, quickly cover the microphone!" I heard that and quickly and secretly ran away.
Okay, that's all for today. I'll continue later when I have time. What I'm trying to say is that I want my friends to know that the living environment has a great influence on a person's life and thoughts. Some people who are influenced by this environment can control and regulate themselves as adults, while I guess there are those who can't control or regulate themselves.

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A Dark Beginning

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