Life is but a dream, how much joy can one truly experience?

I wanted to write about my experiences over the past few years, but I only got started before losing the motivation to continue. Perhaps the writing wouldn't have been what I wanted, and many details and information would have been incomplete.

I've been staying up late a lot lately and can't sleep. I found some of my previous comments to be very insightful, reflecting my thoughts at the time. I'll compile them and organize my thoughts.
Here's a timeline:
1.
Before our child was born, my wife and I were very, very close. We were truly devoted and single-minded. Later, due to issues with my mother-in-law and our child's education, more and more cracks appeared. Looking back, it was so beautiful. At that time, I only knew how to love intensely, but I didn't understand the importance of heartfelt communication and exchange. This is so important, and so difficult; it requires great courage and wisdom to reach each other's souls and become partners.
2.

The article was insightful and resonated with me, especially on this hot early autumn afternoon. Five years have passed, and reading this article makes me think. I have many feelings. I believe communication is the essence. Finding someone who shares your thoughts and can instantly touch your heart is very difficult. It's hard to describe your thoughts and interests, let alone pinpoint your "itch." If you've ever had your back scratched when it itches, you'll know what I mean. Even if you pinpoint the exact spot, the feeling after scratching still isn't what you wanted. You might wonder, is the itch an objective reality or a subjective feeling? Why is the itch you experience so differently from someone else's? Is it because you enjoyed the unspoken understanding in the other person, or because you knew beforehand and missed the surprise? The description might not be accurate, but it conveys a bit of my thoughts.
3.
What is the essence of caring? It's intimate communication, boundless understanding, mutual understanding, soulmate companionship, shared interests, wholehearted sharing, mutual concern, and compassionate consideration. Five years ago, I was fortunate enough to meet Xigua, who met me first in a group chat. We talked a lot, the kind of very close friends, without boundaries, we talked about everything, and became very good friends. Controlling desires, of course, is mostly her doing the braking. But at that time, I was having ambiguous relationships with many other women, and she was always the one who advised me against it. She and my wife were WeChat friends, rarely speaking to each other, but occasionally chatting. Back then, I often fantasized about her taking the children and our two families going on a trip together. I liked her personality, and we became close friends. Later, because of my indiscretions, she advised me against it, and then hinted at it to my wife on WeChat. My wife immediately understood. Alas, as the article says, a woman's intuition is terrifyingly accurate. Unsurprisingly, I was exposed. As a result, my wife made me cut off all contact with this friend, saying that she had led me astray! I complied. My friend was heartbroken, and I was very depressed. I so wished they could be good friends, and I so wished my wife could be my good friend. I'm still hesitant, trying to manage my relationship with my wife. I really, really want to form a tacit, good friend relationship with her.
4.
In August, when the osmanthus blossoms were fragrant, I also fell into a passionate, intense, and forbidden love.
It ended abruptly, helplessly, fueled by suspicion due to time, letting go out of consideration, lost due to its incestuous nature, and clinging on because of attraction and closeness.
I once imagined meeting ten years earlier, perhaps we would have spent our lives together, living happily and interestingly, capturing each other's deepest desires.
But it was all just a hypothetical, all a dream now in the past.
The more I think about it, the more my heart yearns; the more I try to hold on, the more it fades away.
Those foolish things we did, those crazy acts we committed, those heartwarming moments that brought tears to my eyes, those carefully kept secrets, the process of testing and building trust, those unspoken sordid moments we shared.
Perhaps there's still a lingering fear, still a hope, but all of it has been dissolved into the busyness of work and life, only to be recalled in the quiet darkness of a sudden awakening from a dream, leaving a sense of melancholy.
People say, what you hold dear will surely resonate.
Yet, my heart fears that resonance.
This is a deeply etched friendship that remains unforgettable to this day, even a little frightening to both of us—perhaps this is why we are so captivated by this intimate relationship! Like falling in love, it's like searching for pearls on the beach—a lucky find! To encounter the mind or even the soul of someone who shines in our eyes, and if there's even a touch of mutual appreciation, makes it all the more precious and beautiful, even knowing it won't end well. Briefness doesn't necessarily mean inferiority. Parting at the peak is cruel, but such beauty is so rare in this world; perhaps keeping it in our memories is even more beautiful.

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Life is but a dream, how much joy can one truly experience?

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