My mental journey and my analysis and understanding of cuckoldry!

Hello everyone, I'm from Tianjin. I love this city, I love the Haihe River. Often when I'm feeling melancholy, I sit by the Haihe River watching the sunset, watching the river, watching the Ferris wheel, watching people come and go—it's a unique feeling!
Anyway, I've been following 69 Paradise for a while now. Sometimes late at night, when everything is quiet, I occasionally read success stories, and I feel like many of them are true reflections of myself. Some are really well-written, so I'll share my own story too! After suppressing my feelings for so long, I really want to write something.
I've always wanted to find someone with similar interests to talk about what I would call a strange fetish. I've been researching and analyzing how I developed this fetish. I went abroad in 2000, and my girlfriend followed me. But before she left, one morning I called her, and after a few words, she suddenly started crying, which startled me. I quickly asked what was wrong, and she stammered that she had just come back from someone else's house and felt sorry for me. I asked her what happened, and finally, after I pressed her, she told me that she had gone to a friend's house the night before and stayed there. She had done all sorts of things that night, and when she woke up in the morning, she felt extremely guilty, especially since I had called her and asked her how she was doing.
After hearing this, I felt like I'd been struck by lightning. It felt like something of mine had been ruined and could never be recovered. I was genuinely upset, my heart was heavy, and I couldn't express or let it out. I pressed her for details about how many times she'd slept with this boyfriend and who else she'd been with. She told me everything, saying it was only him. She said she'd always been interested in her and had been flirting with her, but she always refused. However, while I was abroad, she finally succumbed to his temptation and got together with him. I think it was more than ten times, maybe even more. Women usually simplify things when they're first being honest, mainly because they're afraid you won't be able to accept it. During that period, I couldn't sleep at night. My mind was filled with images of her in bed with someone else. I thought about giving up, but I couldn't. I cried because of the pain. After calling her at night to ask her about these things, I would turn off the lights and cry alone. Looking back on that time now, it's still incredibly painful.
After much inner struggle and torment, coupled with her desperate pleas and pleas for forgiveness, I finally forgave her. Things returned to normal, but we argued a lot because of it. Eventually, she followed me to my country, and we rented a place together. Then we started having passionate sex. We were young then, both around 20 years old, and unrestrained. It felt like we did it at least once a day for the first year without fail. My studies were relatively relaxed then, and I liked to surf the internet, often downloading porn from adult websites. My favorite was Japanese porn. I don't know why, but I wasn't interested in any other countries besides Japan, especially Western ones. I felt nothing for them. I preferred the delicate, almost childlike quality of Japanese films, those with a plot, those shy, innocent-looking girls being molested by a bald, middle-aged man. It felt really good. Then, unintentionally, I also developed a liking for pornography. This was actually related to my love of reading since childhood; I could often spend an entire summer reading a thick novel at home. I watched porn mainly for masturbation. Many adult websites have a "cuckoldry" section with articles about being cheated on, some of which were similar to my experiences. I became somewhat obsessed, watching and reflecting on my own experiences. Gradually, I even started to think about letting my partner try it. I held back for a long time before telling her, but she found it unbelievable and couldn't accept it. For two years afterward, I kept bringing it up with her, from initial hesitation to eventual agreement, then disagreement, until finally I couldn't even mention it anymore—she would get agitated. Eventually, I gave up, but the cuckoldry fantasy took root from that time.

Now I'm almost forty, considered middle-aged, but deep down I still resist being called middle-aged. I still feel like a teenager. Sigh, time waits for no one. I don't think this fetish is something you're born with, right? Is it more likely that it stems from a similar story to mine?
During this time, we came back together and got married. Although we were married, it seems our sex life was completely depleted in those few years. In the years since, our sex life has been pitifully infrequent, and neither of us really wanted it anymore. Meanwhile, I wasn't idle either; I had girlfriends one after another. I never went to prostitutes, I felt they were unclean. I've mentioned this fetish to several close girlfriends, and they were all quite surprised, thinking that such a perverted person and fetish existed. Some even thought I was deliberately saying this because I didn't love them anymore, and only believed me after I explained a lot.

I know how they felt. If I didn't have this fetish, I would be surprised too. But why do I feel excited seeing the woman I love in someone else's bed, or on top of someone else? Shouldn't it be painful? I often analyze this myself, but I don't know if my analysis is correct. Everyone should know about SM, right? There are sadists and masochists. A masochist is someone who is whipped, experiencing physical pain and suffering, but achieves excitement through the stimulation of that pain. We are also a type of masochism, except that we are not whipped physically, but mentally. We are actually in pain, but this pain is transformed into excitement. It should be said that this feeling is painful, uncomfortable, and simultaneously extremely exciting. The degree of excitement varies with the intensity of sensory and auditory stimulation.

This feeling is similar to when we like to add chili peppers to our meals. There is no real spiciness in the taste; spiciness is just a sensory stimulation, not a flavor. This stimulation actually brings me direct pain. Spiciness is painful, but it is this pain that brings excitement. Many people who love spicy food feel that they can't live without spiciness, that a meal without spiciness is tasteless. Sometimes, they are sweating profusely, their noses running, and their mouths slurping, which looks painful to watch, but they still eat bite after bite. The excitement brought by that spiciness far outweighs the pain.
Furthermore, a woman's experience during sex is often quite direct. The most direct sensation a woman experiences is pain, which can be seen in her facial expressions. It's this pain that brings excitement, hence the combination of pain and excitement in a woman's expression during sex.
In this sense, masochism is something most of us are born with; it's not abnormal or perverse. It simply means we've discovered a new path—a path of excitement derived from pain. Because people are unaware of and don't understand this path, they perceive it as abnormal and therefore it's not accepted by society. It's like how someone who doesn't eat spicy food finds the painful expression of someone eating it unbelievable; the pleasure that person experiences from eating spicy food is something those who don't eat spicy food can't understand.

Having analyzed all that, let me talk about the feeling I enjoy. Actually, compared to seeing my beloved woman being with someone else, I prefer listening. The imagery that comes to mind through listening is something that seeing it firsthand can never achieve. It's like the feeling in martial arts novels; adaptations can never capture that feeling. Some feelings can only be understood intuitively, not expressed in words. I often fantasize about this scene: my beloved woman is with someone else in the next bedroom, and I'm eavesdropping at the door. I'm asleep at night, in the hazy, deep of night, and I hear my wife's moans coming from that room again. Although she tries to control herself so no one can hear, I can still hear her moans and panting. I can also hear the Pandora bracelet she's wearing, rattling with every movement of her wrist. The bracelet keeps rattling in that room, accompanied by heavy breathing, and I can vaguely hear my wife's low moans, the sound of the bed creaking, and the two whispering to each other, with my wife occasionally laughing. Oh my god, I feel like I've reached the ultimate, it's unparalleled, nothing can surpass this level of excitement, it's infinitely more exciting than having sex.
Over the years, I've given up on trying to develop my relationship with my wife. She has a bad temper and a very strong rebellious streak; she'll fight at the slightest mention of it. This is something that causes me a lot of pain, though this pain can't be transformed into excitement. It's a very real pain. It's been almost 20 years since I developed this habit. I used to think I had plenty of time, but now I'm 40. How many more 20-year periods do we have in our lives? Sometimes I think about it, and I'm really unwilling to let my life go on like this. I always fantasize about finding a Japanese AV actress in Japan, how wonderful that would be! I could see and hear her from every angle, and I think I would cherish her for life. But fantasies are just fantasies. Over the years, I've only been able to get close to my girlfriends, hoping to develop feelings and then slowly brainwash them. I've succeeded a few times, but only a handful. Eventually, I just stopped agreeing. There's nothing I can do about it if they disagree. They often say, "If you're not good enough, go find a prostitute." They don't understand us. Prostitutes have no feelings. They don't feel pain when they're with anyone, so naturally, they won't feel excited. You need feelings to feel anything.
That's it. When I read about people's lives on 69 forums, I'm genuinely envious. I envy those who have such wives, envy their carefree lives. Sigh, most of the time I watch porn, read articles about cuckolding wives, and masturbate through fantasies. Hehe... It's a kind of enjoyment, too economical and environmentally friendly, what can I do?

I'll stop here for now, writing too much is getting annoying! Thank you.

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My mental journey and my analysis and understanding of cuckoldry!

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