My first unsuccessful exchange

I'm recounting an unsuccessful sexual encounter I had on February 28, 2021. Although almost a year has passed, the scene remains as vivid as if it happened yesterday, and I'll never forget the feeling. My boyfriend and I knew each other for eight years before officially becoming a couple. Before that, we only contacted each other occasionally, so when he started being nice to me, I assumed we had an eight-year foundation of affection, so I accepted him. (He's younger than me, and I used to dislike younger men; I preferred older, mature, and stable men.) During those years, we had sex a few times. The last two times, he talked to me about "great love," trying to instill the concept of great love, saying that great love meant wanting one's partner to experience more "sexual happiness." I didn't agree. I've always believed that loving someone is selfish, so selfish that even a glance from him at another woman would make me jealous, let alone any other scenarios—I couldn't even imagine them. After we got together, he made me read articles on 69.com and showed me videos of threesomes, slowly indoctrinating me and gradually eroding my mindset. During sex, he'd make me say suggestive things, like talking about finding two more men to have sex with me, asking if I'd allow it. It was basically the same tactics he used on 69.com to develop a lover. Gradually, because I loved him more and more—I'm the kind of person who'd do anything for love—I wanted to do more for him. I wanted my love for him to be "great love," he said. "He said great love is true love," and selfish love is just selfish possession, not love. So I agreed to the "exchange." He started chatting with other people, but I never participated; he was the one contacting them. Then one day he told me he'd met a couple he thought were suitable, and we could start by sharing a room without switching partners. We'd book one room, two beds, each doing our own thing, and then switch if things went well. I agreed. So we set February 28th as the date. He booked the room at noon, bought some hamburgers and a bottle of red wine, and we agreed to have a drink to set the mood. The other couple was supposed to meet me around 1:00 PM, but I had something come up at home and couldn't get away, so I didn't have him pick me up until after 3:00 PM. As soon as I got to the hotel, I started to get nervous, wondering what kind of scene I was about to face. I was so nervous I could hardly breathe. When I went inside, I saw only one bed in the room, and another couple was lying on it, embracing. I'd never even seen their photos before. My heart jumped into my throat. The red wine was already opened, and I turned my back to them, went straight over, poured myself a glass, and downed it in one gulp. My boyfriend came in and immediately stripped naked. You could tell he was very excited and impatient. I became even more nervous, so I drank another glass of wine to calm myself down, because alcohol makes me more excited. My boyfriend came over and helped me take off my clothes, and I took a quick shower. Wrapped in a towel, I went to the bed and saw the other couple caressing and kissing each other. My boyfriend's hand was on the other woman's body, and when he saw me, he got up and started massaging me. This was part of the scenario we had agreed on beforehand. It was my boyfriend's first time, and he wasn't very skilled. He only went for massages occasionally, so he was just using his senses to massage me, and his technique was genuinely a massage, not a teasing one. Because I had drunk two large glasses of red wine, I was already a little dizzy and a bit dazed, and I relaxed a bit. I started giving my boyfriend oral sex, feeling quite excited. The other couple secretly glanced at me. The man was definitely my type, with a mature and masculine charm, and the woman was pretty good-looking. Both of them had good skin, so it was alright. I thought to myself, if something happened, I probably wouldn't be averse to it! Then we got down to business. The other couple was on top, but I prefer woman on top. So, the two couples made love on the same bed. It was my first time, and it was very exciting. The man on the other side would occasionally touch my breasts, and my boyfriend would touch the woman's breasts too. I was excitedly shouting and yelling. I'm naturally loud during sex, but the woman on the other side, whether out of shyness or just for fun, only made very soft noises. Maybe it was because I had been drinking, or maybe the scene was too stimulating. My thought at the time was that since we were already like this, I shouldn't think about anything else and just enjoy it. So, my boyfriend and I were completely absorbed in our lovemaking, just like we usually do when it's just the two of us. We switched positions, with me lying on the edge of the bed (so I could see the other couple more clearly; they didn't change positions). My boyfriend was in the rear, a position we both liked. I was screaming loudly, and my boyfriend was incredibly passionate. Under this direct, double stimulation of the flesh, I had an orgasm. My body felt limp, and because of the vigorous activity and the effects of the alcohol, I collapsed onto the edge of the bed. My boyfriend pulled out, and I went to take a shower. After showering and wrapping myself in a towel, I came out to find my boyfriend wearing a condom, about to have sex with another woman. She was standing by the bed, giving him oral sex. This was the scene I saw. I was stunned; I wasn't prepared at all. Seeing my lover with another woman, I felt like I lost all thought. I silently went over, poured myself a glass of wine, drank it down, then poured another, sat down, and watched their "performance." Only then did my thoughts return. The heartache felt like a knife stabbing into my chest, my heart bleeding, tears welling in my eyes, but I stubbornly held them back. Perhaps because I was sitting next to him, or perhaps my boyfriend was too nervous, he only lasted two or three minutes before pulling out, saying it wasn't hard enough. Then he walked over to me and tried to snatch my wine glass. I didn't even know when I spilled the wine; it was on my chest and the white towel, making me look a little seductive. Seeing him standing beside me, I smiled at him with tears in my eyes, then downed the rest of the wine in one gulp—four glasses of a whole bottle of red wine gone. I couldn't control my emotions anymore. I rushed into the bathroom, and my boyfriend followed. Because the bathroom was made of glass, I had to close the door. I finally broke down, kneeling on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. There were other people outside; I didn't want them to hear, didn't want them to see my vulnerable side, didn't want them to think I was a sore loser. I really didn't know how to express my feelings at that moment… After crying my fill, I came out and saw the other couple getting dressed. I walked over naked and put my arm around the man's waist, asking, "Why are you leaving?" I don't know what I was thinking at the time; maybe it was out of spite! The man looked at me with a complicated expression, but didn't say anything. The scene froze at that moment. From that moment on, I had no memory of anything. Would you believe me if I said I didn't even remember how they left the room? I have a complete blackout; I fell asleep afterwards. The reason I'm writing this is to hopefully offer some insights to those considering swapping, so they can learn from my mistakes and achieve the desired enjoyment. After all, this process is no ordinary test for a woman. I've summarized the reasons for our failed swap: 1. I knew absolutely nothing about the other person; we hadn't even seen each other's photos. 2. We went straight to the point upon meeting, unlike other swapping groups that have a familiarization process first, like playing games. 3. Neither of us considered the other's feelings. I don't really understand this; I've only summarized these points by occasionally reading articles and success stories. There are probably many shortcomings. The fact that I'm writing this today shows that I've let go of the past. My boyfriend is organizing another activity, starting with a threesome before considering other activities. I agreed and even took some selfies to post online, hoping to meet the right person for a long-term relationship. This isn't very well written, so please bear with it! More than anything, I wanted to record my emotional journey.

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My first unsuccessful exchange

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