Sharing my experiences in making friends with my spouse over the past sixteen years

My wife and I were classmates in college and started dating. After graduation, I returned to Beijing, while my wife went to Beijing for graduate school. At that time, we didn't own a house and didn't want to live with our parents, so we rented an apartment and started living together—what we'd call a shameless cohabitation life these days. After renting for a few years, my wife graduated and started working, so we bought an apartment, renovated it, moved in, got our marriage certificate, and held a wedding banquet to begin our legally married life.
With our own place, we officially started our simple life together. We worked during the day, came home for dinner, watched TV, and went to bed—a happy period. We basically did it every day, about twenty nights a month, and even stayed in bed a few more times on weekends. We also watched porn. Back then, the famous "Teacher Cang" hadn't debuted yet, so I couldn't learn from her. I didn't like Japanese porn with its fingers, vibrators, or dildos; I preferred the direct, visceral feel of penetration. I liked Western porn: Couples, FMM Threesomes, FFM Threesomes, Swinger, and Group. We watched and learned the advanced techniques, and the bed, balcony, sofa, desk, dining table, toilet, and kitchen became our battlegrounds—it was incredibly pleasurable.
But as time went on, the frequency decreased. Although it decreased, it remained normal and of high quality. It was a perfectly normal marital relationship.
There was a little incident in between, which I'll tell you about later, that kept us sexually excited and happy for a long time. During the
SARS outbreak, my wife became pregnant. She was a "pregnant woman"—that's a category on porn sites. Even though she was heavier, her large pregnant belly, heavy waist, thick thighs, large, heavy breasts, dark areolas, and huge buttocks were a different kind of allure. Although it wasn't as frequent or intense, we still enjoyed ourselves for a while. My wife's weight quickly rose from 100 pounds to 150 pounds during her pregnancy.
In the late stages of pregnancy, our parents came to help. After giving birth, both of us focused our energy on the baby. My wife stopped paying attention to her appearance and became a 120-130 pound, thick-legged, big-buttocked, waistless woman. After returning to work following maternity leave, I kept saying I wanted to lose weight, but my weight remained stagnant. With elderly parents and a child in the family, the couple could no longer enjoy the freedom they once had. We had sex, but not frequently, and the quality was low.
Having fulfilled our reproductive duty, my wife's energy was entirely focused on the child. She became increasingly familiar with me, but also increasingly neglectful. At home, she started using phrases starting with "you": "What's wrong with you?" "Why are you so late?" "I asked you to buy something for the child, and you even bought the wrong thing." I was similar for those two years. The "wife," "darling," and "baby" I used to use gradually became "you." Complaints between us increased, our relationship changed, and our feelings for each other shifted. We blamed and criticized each other at home, but there were also many conversations and discussions. We took the child out together—to parent-child classes, to resorts, or on family vacations.
To outsiders, we had a decent income, good jobs, a car, a house, elderly parents helping with the child, and annual family trips, even abroad—it seemed like a good life.
But the feelings between my wife and I gradually faded. My wife would come home from work every day to take care of the children, and even when I was home, our communication decreased. She would play with the children, while I sometimes had to continue working at home. With less communication, our mutual complaints increased. When we were dating, we only saw each other's good points, but as time went on, those good points disappeared, and all we saw were flaws. Other couples experienced this, and we were no exception. Sometimes, after work, I didn't want to come home early. I would go out to dinner with colleagues, chat at a coffee shop, or play cards at a teahouse, returning home very late, sometimes even after my wife and children were asleep. Even worse, we kept things to ourselves instead of sharing, discussing, or seeking opinions. My wife did the same, and our communication dwindled.
This continued for a long time. During those two years, my wife and I drifted apart. After having a child, we started sleeping in separate beds, and later in separate rooms. I slept in the study, and my wife and child slept in the master bedroom. Even when we had sex occasionally, it felt like a chore, lacking passion. I would go to her when I felt she needed it, but she would just pretend I wanted it and then get up, get dressed, and go back to the master bedroom with the child.
My sex life had become like this at only thirty. It wasn't that I didn't need sex, but that neither of us was interested. When my wife wanted it, she wouldn't come to me; she would masturbate. When I wanted it, I would masturbate too. Sex between us had become a chore. Once, when we were having sex, my wife asked me if sex was that important. She asked if I wanted it. I asked her if she wanted it, and she shook her head, so I got off. Later, I watched an American movie, *American Pie*, I forget which one. It showed a couple who had grown from students to married women with children. The man would masturbate while reading porn, and the woman would relieve herself in the bathtub with the showerhead, instead of expressing their sexual needs to each other. That's how we were back then, and it wasn't just us; many couples probably went through that phase.
If I could go back to that time, I wouldn't sleep separately from my wife. I'd let the child sleep in her crib, and then I'd go to my own room, dedicating more time to my wife and me. Sleeping separately, and then in separate rooms, might seem harmless on the surface, but it has a significant impact on a relationship. Without the whispered words, the feelings between partners begin to fester. On the surface, the couple remains husband and wife, but gradually they enter a different kind of life—a zombie couple. In today's terms, they're like half-siblings. There's familial affection, but little love, no passion. This state surpasses even Liu Xiahui's ability to remain unmoved by a woman in his lap—no passion, no desire, no erection. Living like that would be incredibly dull.
My lover and her husband seemed like a good couple. Her husband cared for her and, according to my lover, was a good husband. But they would bicker over trivial things—the children, cooking, laundry—all the little things. She wanted to go to the movies, but her husband just wanted to save the ticket money to watch pirated movies at home. She wanted the whole family to go on a trip, but her husband thought it was better to save the money for necessities. They respected and loved each other, but lacked passion. In their thirties, they had almost no sex life; my lover said she was frigid. When she was with me, she was both worried about her husband finding out and very happy. We went to the movies, went on business trips and travel together, and she told me things she wouldn't tell her husband at home. She did things she wouldn't do at home with me, used positions she was embarrassed to use at home, and watched movies she wouldn't watch with her husband at home with me. She had an affair with me, and extramarital sex.
There was another woman, only forty years old at the time, who said she and her husband often didn't speak to each other for days. One of them would be online in the bedroom, and the other would be watching TV in the living room. They slept in separate rooms at night. She wanted a divorce from her dull marriage, feeling she'd been blind to marry such a clueless man. For a while, she said on QQ that she was depressed at home, didn't want to go home after work, felt life was meaningless, and contemplated suicide or becoming a nun. When asked about her sex life, she said both she and her husband were sexually frigid, had no desire, and hadn't had sex in years. After meeting this woman, they had a meal, watched a movie, and then went to a hotel. That day, she was very wet, the bed was soaked.
When a marital relationship deteriorates like this, extramarital affairs and extramarital sex are quite common. Don't blame the woman for infidelity; it's caused by this kind of marital relationship. If you don't want to be cheated on without your knowledge, you need to find ways to improve the marital relationship.
Women will always have affairs; with the development of the times, society, and changing lifestyles, the number of women having affairs is gradually increasing. Many women feel lonely and bored after marriage, and continuing to have ambiguous relationships with their husbands due to loneliness after marriage may lead to infidelity. If a woman's loneliness and boredom aren't detected in time, it can lead to infidelity and ultimately, the irreparable breakdown of the marriage.
At the time, neither my wife nor I realized this. My wife was having an affair with a colleague, and things had escalated to the point of physical intimacy. I've posted about this on the forum before, so I won't go into details. But I didn't know this at the time. If I had, I don't know if we would still be able to fulfill our responsibilities as a couple.
Back then, I was also interested in and sexually attracted to women. There were female subordinates who tried to get close to me, seeking my favor, and female sales representatives from suppliers who gave me hints, but I didn't want to get involved in those troubles. But that doesn't mean I wasn't interested in women; it's more accurate to say I was sexually attracted. I was particularly interested in the receptionist at the company next door. She was young, with long legs, a large bust, and her hips swayed as she walked. She had a sweet smile and exuded hormones. I liked to meet friends at Starbucks. Back then, there weren't many Starbucks in Beijing. Going to Starbucks to look at beautiful women, especially in the summer, to see their thighs and cleavage, only to come home to my wife's plump, fat body.
A marital relationship needs nurturing; couples need more communication, open and honest communication, to make the relationship stronger and more stable, and to make family life better. But back then, I didn't know how to change things.
I came across couples' forums, things like pornography and threesomes, and joined many QQ groups. Back then, I didn't doubt that couples did these things. Now, some people in the 69 forums still doubt whether couples taking turns sleeping together and having threesomes are real or just fantasies. I can say that these things are real, just like the Qing Dynasty is gone—they are facts. When I first started using these forums, I knew these things were real, and I both longed for them and worried about them. But mostly I longed for them, and I hoped to have threesomes with my wife and other women, or find men to have with. My thoughts back then were similar to those husbands in the forums who longed for successful threesomes—how to talk to their wives, thinking about finding someone to "develop" their wives. I sought advice and suggestions in QQ groups, but most of it was nonsense. Whether it worked or not depended on one's own resourcefulness and the tricks of fate. But not every couple succeeded; many failed as well.
I didn't know how to begin, how to talk about it. Finally, one day I mustered the courage to discuss it with my wife. When I nervously led her through these forums, articles, and photos, I was met with her insults. When I said I wanted to participate in these activities, I received slaps and scratches. That day, with handprints, scratches, and bite marks, I had sex with my wife—something I hadn't experienced in two years—and even heard her long-lost moans.
Despite the fighting and scolding, the passion and mutual attention we had lost returned. From that day on, we started to value each other more, communicated more, and our sex life became more frequent and more fulfilling. One day, my wife asked if I was still thinking about swapping or threesomes. I said I was somewhat interested. From that day on, we looked at forums together, chatted with others on QQ, had sex, and discussed sex at home. Sexual thoughts were no longer a taboo between us.
Couples engaging in sexual activity is a threshold. Whether the road ahead is easy or difficult after crossing it, only those who have crossed it know. Those who haven't are still hesitant and testing the waters. Couples dating, sex, partner swapping, and threesomes are niche, strange, and even somewhat dangerous activities within certain circles, but they are also highly addictive. For most people, taking the first step is difficult, but once that step is taken, the consequences are unknown. Taking that step and actually experiencing it is both desirable and frightening. It's like the "Fortress Besieged" novel by Qian Zhongshu: those inside want to get out, and those outside want to get in.
We are trying, we are struggling, and many couples in this forum also want to try and are struggling. But not everyone can take that step. I still think about other women's bodies and hope another man will enter my wife's body, allowing her to experience the comfort of another man. Sex is only one part of the relationship between husband and wife; using sex to improve the relationship includes sexual activity with other people, whether alone or together as a couple, which is considered "alternative" by most. At that time, I wanted to be that alternative.
I wanted to find couples to date, to swap partners, and also to find single men for threesomes; I was constantly choosing. To be honest, it's easy to think about, but actually taking that step is quite difficult. Both partners want it, and they both know the other wants it, but they don't know the outcome. Only those who have struggled with this feeling truly understand.
A family trip together is a business, an occasional hotel stay is a business, letting the wife find other men while the husband indulges in this cuckolding is a business, hiring someone for a threesome is a business, and even prostitution is a form of business. Regardless of the method, a married life requires constant effort. Experiencing life requires courage. Once you bravely take that step, what happens next is unknown. Will you try a different lifestyle, or forget about it and continue your ordinary family life? At that time, I didn't know.
The couple needs to relax, sit down, and talk, find the reasons, open their hearts, and engage in physical intimacy without interfering in their personal lives. The pursuit of simple sexual pleasure is humanity's most primal instinct, the pursuit of physical gratification. Intimate relationships between spouses are a threshold; once crossed, only the couple themselves know whether the road ahead is easy or difficult. Couples engaging in casual sex, partner swapping, or threesomes are niche activities within certain circles, often seen as strange or even dangerous, but they are also highly addictive. For most people, taking the first step is difficult, but once that step is taken, the consequences are unknown.
My husband and I, unable to fully predict the outcome, experimented and completed our first sexual encounter. Many scenes are still vivid in my mind. It was an unforgettable experience, one I will likely never forget.
Taking this step was an attempt to manage our marital relationship. Marriages often begin with passion and romance, like a gushing spring. However, as time goes by, the flow of passion diminishes, eventually disappearing, and the relationship becomes increasingly uneventful. Some couples choose to endure this calm, enduring it from their thirties to their seventies or eighties; others choose to let go, for divorce is not the end, but the beginning of another life. We took this step, reigniting the passion that had subsided. But how long this fervor will last is unknown. It requires effort from us as a couple to cultivate, continuously nurture, and constantly refine our relationship.
A marital relationship is like a glass of beer; at the perfect temperature, it's bittersweet while still bubbly. As the couple lives together longer, the carbon dioxide gradually dissipates, leaving only a bitter aftertaste. Discussing sex or engaging in other activities that enhance intimacy is like adding ice and bubbles to a warm beer that's been sitting for a long time—it creates a refreshing, chilled experience.
Over the years, my interactions with other people—sleeping with different partners, having affairs, casual sex, threesomes, and more—seem lewd. Constantly seeking sexual stimulation can be disconcerting. A marriage needs a constant infusion of new experiences; sexual stimulation is just one way to achieve this. More fresh blood comes from the little things in daily life, even the little things we don't notice: watching movies together, occasionally going out to eat as a family, going on outings, making love in a different place, traveling together, buying sex toys, making love on the balcony—these are all ways and means to maintain the affection between husband and wife, and to manage their relationship.
This can be addictive, leading to sexual openness and a pursuit of different sensations. It's not just about purely physical stimulation, but about lifestyle and values, and beyond that, moral and marital issues. How to improve the relationship between husband and wife, how to maintain passion—sexual intercourse is just one element, a very important element in the marital relationship, as essential as oxygen. But a person can't just have oxygen; they also need sufficient nutrition, vitamins, minerals, inorganic salts, carbohydrates, etc. Sexual contact with other couples is like eating the same old food every day, suddenly prepared in a different way, with a completely new taste.
Sometimes people need to quiet down and think about things. What is the purpose of extramarital affairs? This is a question we need to consider. If the marital relationship is good and the family is harmonious, will extramarital sexual behavior have a negative impact on family life? However, such activities can only serve as a diversion in a couple's married life, providing novelty, stimulation, improved quality, and strengthened emotional bonds.
My husband and I have experienced this deeply. After engaging in couples' online activities, many things changed, not just superficially in our lives, but more importantly, in our way of thinking. Our views on sex became much more open, and we could directly address these topics. All sexual behaviors and activities have their reasons for existing and their conditions for survival—single-person, threesome, group sex. We can freely discuss our understanding and thoughts on these things, without any right or wrong, only what suits us best. The previous confusion is gone. With open views on sex, we can communicate our needs and thoughts, exchange opinions, and discuss ways to improve our lives. Couples' online activities help us communicate better, build mutual trust and reliance, and we enjoy this activity.
After years of these activities, including threesomes and casual sex, I've experienced a wonderful and addictive feeling. While remaining loyal to our marriage and family, I crave this addictive feeling even more. The scenes I see, the scenes I don't see, the scenes filled with fantasy, the scenes filled with desire. We may have some masochistic tendencies; the psychological pain brought by swapping, threesomes, and casual sex is also a unique kind of spiritual pleasure. Human psychology is complex, and there's one aspect of this complexity that I yearn to possess and maintain.
While couples may outwardly appear open and honest, seemingly trusting each other completely and sleeping together without reservation, they each maintain a significant amount of private space and harbor interest in and desire to explore these aspects of each other. This leads to suspicion, a ticking time bomb in a marriage. When we take that first step, and then another, when we can openly discuss our extramarital affairs, those previously hidden secrets cease to be secrets. We can face everything directly, speak freely, and act with confidence. The constraints that usually bind us are suddenly liberated; how we think, say, and do things becomes effortless. A relaxed life leads to greater happiness and a stronger marital relationship.
My husband and I now live an open marriage. Ordinary marriages often face numerous problems and conflicts, leaving couples unsure where to begin and resulting in overall dissatisfaction. Open marriage, however, stems from our understanding of marriage itself; it's an alternative approach. Traditional marriage neglects the individual, emphasizing two people, each with their own boundaries. Marriage has its limits, and everyone has their own way of life. When marriage is linked to lifestyle, it inevitably clashes with human nature. This invisible constraint locks people in, robbing them of true freedom and enjoyment. What remains? Various forms of dissatisfaction. Open marriage is a way for couples to pursue or adjust their marital and personal lifestyles. It may not be the best choice, but for our current situation, it's beneficial.
Cherish the journey, seize the opportunity, don't force the outcome, let everything develop naturally, find a way that suits you, and fill your life with joy and happiness.

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Sharing my experiences in making friends with my spouse over the past sixteen years

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