Peeping at a girl's private parts and underwear

Peeping at Girls' Private Parts and Underwear -
Part 1: My Peeping Experiences

Personally, I have a particular fondness for peeping at girls' private parts, imagining all sorts of things, and enjoying the thrill of seeing but not being able to have them. Below are some of my experiences as a way of reminiscing and repenting for my youth! My

earliest peeping target was my neighbor's older sister. She was in high school at the time, and I often liked to go to her house. In the summer, as soon as she got home, she would lie down on the TV, and often, unintentionally, her snow-white underwear would peek out from under her school skirt. This made me, in my adolescence, blood boil at the sight of the white light shining through her skirt. (I was a good boy, and I didn't have much money to buy adult books, so peeping at girls' underwear became my fantasy and outlet for my desires). But no matter how I look at her, she always seems to be wearing white, schoolgirl-style underwear…

There’s a young woman upstairs who loves to visit my house. She’s about thirty years old, pretty, and has a good figure, just a bit too thin, almost bony. Her child is in first grade. One time she came to my house again, sitting in the living room chatting with my mother while I was doing my homework. I accidentally dropped my eraser, it bounced a few times and landed under the sofa. I crouched down to look for it and was shocked to find the opening of the young woman’s denim skirt facing me. Carefully avoiding my mother’s and her gaze, I shifted my gaze, pretending to look for something, and finally caught a glimpse under her skirt… the white thong between her thighs seemed unable to conceal the full bulge… that sensual bulge!! ...Unfortunately, the slit in her skirt closed up again. I couldn't stay under the table forever, so I pretended to have a toothache, went to my room to get a mirror, sat on the sofa pretending to look at my teeth, adjusted the angle, and used the mirror to capture the glimpse of the young woman's underwear that she inadvertently revealed from under her skirt... When she got up to leave, I thought I saw the openwork part of the upper part of her panties...

In junior high, I was always playful, lecherous, and lacking in courage. Because I attended a private junior high school, the junior and senior high sections were combined. After morning assembly, I always liked to hide at the foot of the stairs, peeking at the glimpses of cleavage peeking through the hems of the older girls' skirts as they went upstairs… Most high school girls still preferred to wear schoolgirl-style white panties, I think partly as a sign of innocence, and partly to avoid being seen by us lecherous guys, afraid that wearing anything too sexy would make us get nosebleeds… :p …We also played the game of hiding mirrors in shoes. I remember an art teacher who had just graduated from art school and came to teach us. She was very pretty and always wore dresses… Little did we know that what she considered the most dignified attire was our favorite target. From the reflection in the mirror, we could glimpse her round buttocks, covered by pink thong panties. Unfortunately, we could only get in from behind, so we couldn't see the front half of her colorful thong panties. There was also a female history teacher, a recent graduate from National Taiwan Normal University, who was quite attractive. Perhaps due to her lack of teaching experience, she would often bend over when students asked her questions, unknowingly revealing her flesh-colored, lace bra… This made our history class particularly lively and engaging with questions. In the summer, she liked to wear sleeveless dresses, showing off her beautiful arms. Her armpit hair was very dark and thick, and during class, I often fantasized about whether her pubic hair was as dark and lustrous as her armpit hair—what a wicked boy! However, when she raised her hand to write on the blackboard, the armpit hair she revealed certainly caused me, as a young boy, considerable sensory stimulation. Our English teacher was a beautiful woman, soon to be married. We always loved to wait for her in the hallway, then steal a glimpse of her long skirt through the mirror's reflection, and write "white," "pink," or "blue" on the blackboard for her class.

One summer afternoon, while I was taking a nap at home, that young woman came again. It turned out she had asked my mother to buy some vegetables and was coming to pick them up. That day, she was wearing a bright red skirt, knee-length. I thought to myself: "There's probably nothing to see here," and went back to sleep. When I woke up, I went to the kitchen to open the refrigerator for a drink of water and found my mother had left. The young woman was squatting on the floor arranging her vegetables. As I got closer, I was shocked to discover that she had lifted her skirt to make it easier for her to squat down. Driven by some wicked motive, I approached her and struck up a casual conversation, my eyes secretly hoping for a glimpse of her underwear when she inadvertently opened her legs… My efforts paid off; she was probably so engrossed in her work that she forgot the elegance of her squatting posture. During a three-minute break, I carefully examined the color, style, and material of her panties… Today she was wearing pink, low-rise panties without lace, a neutral style, not at all flashy. The material seemed to be cotton, and I even saw the seam at the front of her panties. I imagined that beneath that seam lay her secret forest and valley! Unfortunately, I didn't see any pubic hair peeking out from under her panties... As my heart raced and my penis began to stir, she suddenly looked up, probably noticing my impure gaze. She then pulled her legs together, revealing the hem of her skirt. I smiled slightly at her and excused myself to go to the bathroom... Of course, this time I stayed in the bathroom for a particularly long time... :p

Time flies. I've passed my somewhat wicked yet not so wicked junior high school years and got into a high school with a low college entrance rate, but close to home. I still live at home, occasionally sneaking peeks at erotic novels and smoking cigarettes; life goes on monotonously like this. I'm a bit short and have a face full of acne. While my classmates were busy chasing girls to skip class, I, lacking any luck with women, could only attend classes on time and be a good boy. Occasionally, I'd hide under the covers and masturbate, fantasizing about peeling off a small piece of fabric under a woman's skirt to explore the mysteries of that dark forest… The days repeated themselves monotonously like this… The older sister next door was already in college and paid more attention to her appearance, so I rarely saw her exposed. The young woman upstairs also came less often, but occasionally I still managed to set some traps and peek under her skirt. I recorded the time, place, color, and style in my diary.

The only other time was when I was strolling in the park and saw a girl intently drawing; because she was sitting on the ground, she accidentally exposed her underwear. I leaned closer for a look… it was white teenage panties, but with some patterns on them. Upon closer inspection, they turned out to be adorable cartoon characters! Haha, it looked like a little girl's thong!! I really wished I were that little fairy on the panties, licking her girlish fragrance… Another time, while buying shoes, I glanced down at the thong of a woman sitting opposite me who was also trying on shoes. She was about twenty-five or twenty-six years old, wearing a light green dress. I saw her legs part to try on the shoes, revealing a light green hue (I think it was probably because the light shone through the green dress onto her white panties!), thin thong; I say thin because I could glimpse her dark pubic hair, which seemed to be visible through the panties… In those brief five seconds, I saw her private parts that were not easily seen! As I was leaving after buying shoes, I saw a girl in a tight skirt standing and sitting while trying them on. My gaze met hers at the opening of her skirt—a flesh-colored, see-through pantyhose! But because she was still wearing pantyhose, and the lighting inside the skirt was dim, I could only catch a fleeting glimpse. I realized that shoe stores are really good places for peeping. If I don't get into university, I'll just become a shoe store assistant, hehe… :p

Aside from these amazing sights, life was basically monotonous and boring… As Barbuse said: "Un jour, tout ce qui est triste finira" (One day, the sad things will end). This continued until my beautiful cousin got into university, moved into my house, and then graduated and started working… Six long years brought blossoms to my life; during this period of struggle between reason, morality, and desire, besides satisfying my voyeuristic pleasures and indulging in fantasies about my cousin's youthful body, I also explored for the first time the subtle inner world and desires of women, and tasted the flavors of the sea of sex and the mountain of passion… But that's another story…

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II. My First Encounter with My Cousin

da sind keine flecken nur wunden.ach! und nur wunden.
— heinrich heine

That's not a stain, just a scar. Ah! It really is a scar.

One day I came home from school and as soon as I entered the door I saw a beautiful young girl smiling at me. Her face was vaguely similar… It turned out to be my cousin: Ru.

When we were little, I always clung to her. She was two years older than me, and always acted like an older sister. Because she was an only child and I was an only child, and we lived close by, we often played together. We'd play house, she'd be the bride, and I'd be the groom. That's how my carefree and happy childhood went by. She wasn't exactly a beauty, but her features were very delicate, and she had a good figure (as she grew up). Most importantly, she was the gentle and graceful type of girl; being with her was very comfortable, like a breath of fresh air. She never seemed to know what it meant to get angry, probably because her family wasn't well-off, so she always had a lot of tolerance and consideration for others. When I was little, I liked to play pranks and make her angry, but the most she would do was hide away and cry it out. After the rain cleared, we played together again :) When I was little, I often told her that I would marry her when I grew up, and she would just smile... and reply: "Then you'd better grow up quickly and stop bullying me!!" I would often take the opportunity to fall into her arms, tickle her, and make her beg for mercy. At that time, I think my pure love for her was more out of respect than romantic love! And her feelings for me were more like sibling affection! When we entered junior high school, our family moved north, and news of my cousin became sporadic. I only knew that she had excellent grades and got into the provincial girls' school (while I barely managed to get into a bad high school). The unfamiliarity, curiosity, and adaptation to the new environment... As a result, I gradually forgot about her from my hometown, and the memories slowly faded. The seemingly joking vows, like fairy tales from my childhood, became distant and unfamiliar.

Now, she looks much the same as she did when I was a child, only her hair is longer and she's thinner, making her delicate features even more slender. She's wearing an apricot-yellow dress, and her legs are shapely below the knees. She smiles at me gently. Ah! This smile, which haunted my dreams at midnight when I first went north, made me weep silently under the covers, unable to sleep. And now we meet again, is it true? Or not? I can only awkwardly and clumsily talk to her, chatting idly. It turns out she was admitted to T University this year and is going north to study. My aunt is a conservative country woman. I didn't feel comfortable having her stay on her own, so I asked her to come live with me. Wow! What a blessing! I chatted with her casually. Clearly, the price of studying hard was that she wore glasses, but it also added a touch of refinement and elegance to her face. I rambled on about Taipei, and she still maintained her usual gentle smile… She spoke very little, but loved to laugh… Just like when I was a child!!

Later, I pretended to be helpful (actually, I was also excited) and helped her tidy her room, putting on the airs of a virtuous stay-at-home husband. As she turned to pack her luggage, I carefully observed her back… Her figure was still beautiful, only more beautiful and taller, her proportionate figure encased in a well-fitting dress. Ru had blossomed into a stunning university student, while I remained a slovenly, acne-ridden high school student with a bleak future. The comparison made me feel quite ashamed.

I helped Ru tidy up her room, chatting about what had become of me since we last met. She had worked diligently these past few years, consistently ranking at the top of her class. I, on the other hand, had been busy slacking off… Now she was a student at a national university, about to embark on a vibrant and exciting new life, while I felt like a maggot still wallowing in the mud, inevitably feeling a bit dejected. We chatted as we tidied up. After I finished making the mattress, I turned around and saw my cousin standing on the table, tiptoeing as she stuffed her temporarily unused luggage into the attic space. Her beautiful legs swung back and forth in front of me, challenging my self-control. My earlier frustration vanished instantly at the sight of this beautiful scene… Because she was standing on tiptoe, her skirt rode up slightly. When she pushed forward, the back of the skirt lifted up a little, revealing her thighs above the knees… I stared at her beautiful legs, unable to resist any longer… What was underneath her skirt? A wicked thought surged into my mind, and I swallowed hard, finding my mouth incredibly dry. My cousin was still busy tidying up her clothes, probably unaware of what I was doing!

So I pretended to bend down to tidy up the clutter under the table, slowly shifting my gaze to under her skirt… My cousin was like a sheep grazing contentedly, unaware that a hungry wolf was already watching her intently… I moved my gaze closer… A youthful body gradually unfolded before me…

I saw a rounded bottom, encased in small white panties. Because she was also wearing pantyhose, the panties were tucked inside, with some wrinkles around her buttocks, not quite fitting snugly. Based on my years of experience peeping, the material of her panties was probably nylon blend, because cotton panties seem thicker and fit better against the skin. Since her pantyhose were completely transparent above the waist, I could clearly see the color and material of her panties… But the good time didn't last long; she came down after putting her things down. She had no idea what I had just done, only noticing my slightly flushed face (and racing heart), and asked me: "So many things!" You must be tired too. Let’s clean it up tomorrow! , I smiled at her a little guiltily, thinking to myself: I will know whether my observation is correct tonight.

After watching TV in the evening, I was always the first to take a shower, but I was uncharacteristically slow to do so. Under my mother's urging, I replied impatiently: They want to watch TV! Ask your cousin to wash it first! , my cousin smiled at me and walked to the back. I didn't go to take a shower until she was finished. While everyone was watching TV in the living room, I went to the balcony at the back and found that there was a set of women's underwear where I usually hang my underwear, and they were still wet! ! It is rippling in the wind, like an open epiphyllum... I carefully took it off and secretly took it to the bathroom...

This was the first time I'd seen a girl's intimate items so closely. A pure white, lace-trimmed Japanese-made bra, size 32A; white nylon-blend thongs, a typical student style, without any exaggerated lace or frills, and nothing particularly special about the front. But it meant something different to me; it was my cousin's intimate garment, enveloping her alluring breasts and valleys… I brought it to my nose and inhaled, as if I could faintly smell my cousin's unique, youthful fragrance. My little brother, stimulated by the scent mixed with soap, stood erect. I wrapped it in my cousin's thongs, rubbing it back and forth, fantasizing about the youthful flesh beneath the underwear… A wave of dizziness rushed to my head, and my juices flowed freely… In the bathroom, only the thick steam mingled with my heavy breathing… I splashed some water to wash away the residue of my own stains on her underwear… My body felt a sense of liberation after release, weak and languid… Yet, my heart was filled with emptiness and self-reproach…

After my cousin came, I became more obedient, going home on time. My parents thought this was a good, peaceful development. I would ask her questions about my books, and while she answered, I would just stare at her blankly, smiling foolishly, imagining all sorts of things under her clothes… the style and color of her underwear… her youthful body… Before long, going to the balcony every night to examine her underwear became my daily routine. Besides the Three Principles of the People and Chinese history and geography, my mind was also filled with images of my cousin's various kinds of underwear—white, flesh-colored, pink… Every day I fantasized about her, listening to her soft whispers and her silvery laughter… Then, I would masturbate in front of her underwear while showering, which became my daily anticipation and hope… Life took on a rosy hue…

My cousin was a country girl, so her clothing was relatively conservative. Even her underwear reflected this; it was mainly white and flesh-colored. They were all the girlish type—low-waisted, conservative thongs without lace. She had a pink one with an embroidered rose, probably her most provocative piece; and another one with small red and green floral patterns… All her bras were back-opening, including a white, strapless Wacoal bra with very elegant lace, but I rarely saw her wear it.

Ever since the first day I saw under my cousin's skirt, I've had no chance to catch a glimpse of her. I could only look at her freshly washed underwear and think of her. I longed for the day I could see my cousin wearing these familiar underwear, displayed before my eyes… I waited and waited, and one day, the opportunity finally came…

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III. I love my cousin

. Without attachment, there is no fear; far removed from distorted dreams, ultimately attaining Nirvana
—Heart Sutra

Tonight is a typical Taipei summer night—hot and humid, with even the occasional evening breeze feeling sweltering. Although we have air conditioning at home, it's no match for the summer night's heat, amplified by the basin climate, making it rumble and feel somewhat listless. So, the family went up to the rooftop to cool off. Although light pollution usually makes it difficult to see stars in Taipei, tonight was unusual; even the Milky Way was faintly visible. It felt like we were back in our childhood, enjoying summer nights under the pine trees.

The family brewed tea on the rooftop and started chatting. My parents reminisced about our childhood, and I laughed heartily at the funny stories, while my cousin smiled shyly along. My mother jokingly asked, "So, you can have a boyfriend once you get to university? Xiao Xiong is still in high school, and I won't allow him to date randomly!

Just be careful with your friends. Your mother entrusted you to me, and I think you're all grown up now, you should think carefully about yourself." My mother laughed and said, "Unlike Xiao Xiong, who's so impulsive and always like a child." I tickled my mother, and my cousin blushed and smiled slightly, "University studies are so busy! I don't want to have a boyfriend so early..." Hearing this made me feel a little uneasy... Actually, Xiao Xiong has already grown up in some ways!

My cousin wore a blue denim skirt and a beige shirt today. In my experience, denim skirts are one of the easiest skirts to make a fashion faux pas. So I deliberately chose a seat opposite her, got the angle right, and then waited for the fish to take the bait and the lamb to bite. My cousin always sat with her legs crossed, which was a very uncomfortable posture, and she had to switch legs frequently. Several times, during the gaps between her leg shifts, I seemed to catch a glimpse of something, but I was never sure. Finally, her legs got tired, and she sat on a low stool, straightening her legs... She probably didn't know that a seemingly loyal werewolf was waiting for this opportunity, hoping to capture a rare glimpse of what lay beneath her skirt...

A shooting star!! A white light streaked across the sky, and in the moment when my cousin was distracted looking up and forgot to close her legs, I caught it!!... A familiar pink light shone from under her skirt—it was that pink embroidered pantyhose!!... A pink, slightly sheer fabric covered her thick, seemingly bursting, mysterious pubic area… As if to let me see more clearly, she shifted her body slightly, so the entire opening of her skirt faced me, allowing me an unobstructed view of the boundless spring scenery beneath… I even saw the embroidered rose… Ah… Rose, rose, I love you… I wantonly captured this spring scenery, trying to remember this enviable and heart-pounding combination… My little brother was also writhing restlessly. We stayed up

too late admiring the moon, and when we went downstairs, everyone rushed to shower and go to bed. In front of the bathroom, my mother said to my cousin: “You’ve been here so long, and you still wash your own clothes. Since there’s a washing machine at home, don’t be shy, just put them in the laundry basket.” My cousin nodded shyly. I hid in my room, thrilled by this unexpected stroke of good news. My cousin finished showering, and it was my turn. I waited quietly until everyone was in bed, then sneaked onto the balcony to check the laundry basket. I searched for ages but couldn't find it. Then I saw something wrapped around her shirt. I opened it, and my heart nearly jumped out of my chest… It was her panties… crumpled up and wrapped inside. I rushed to the bathroom to check… It was the same panties I'd just seen, only now they were removed from that beautiful body. It was them, covering my cousin's most alluring and mysterious area, that magnificent landscape!! I brought the panties to my nose and took a deep breath. A strong, sweet scent of a young girl filled my senses… Wow!!

This is the scent of my cousin's genitals—a strong, hormonal odor that assaults my senses, and my penis is already rock hard… I examine this most mysterious piece of clothing, something completely different from the washed underwear I've peeked at before… It's freshly removed from her body, brimming with feminine scent, the primal hormones that attract the opposite sex. There are still some yellowish-white residues on the panties. I can't resist lightly licking them with the tip of my tongue; they taste a little sweet and sour. I think this must be the scent of my cousin's genitals! I even found a pubic hair, jet black and elastic, slightly curly… This is my cousin's body hair!! … I excitedly sniff and lick the panties covering her mysterious area, finally using them to rub my penis until I ejaculated twice, once on her rose petal, and the other time on her bra, the right cup… Afterwards, I took a shower, secretly put my underwear back in its place, and dragged my tired body back to my room to sleep.

Ru's room light was still on; she was probably still studying. She didn't know that her unintentional exposure had stirred a young man's restless sexual desires; she didn't know that her cousin had just mentally raped her twice in the bathroom; she didn't know that the underwear she was to change into the next day might still have a particularly vigorous sperm alive, waiting for the most intimate contact with her uterus; she only knew that she had to submit a report tomorrow… She didn't know that in the next room, she had already entered a young man's dream, playing the game of lovemaking with him…

So I started by familiarizing myself with her scent, even her menstrual cycle, not just the color and style of her underwear. I examined her pubic hair like a hunter gathering fur… I knew her inside better than I knew myself… I felt myself becoming more and more perverted… Every day I just looked forward to the evening, secretly fantasizing while looking at her, imagining her youthful body beneath her clothes… I guessed what her underwear looked like, its color, and its shape from the folds of her underwear when she squatted down… Then, at night, I would examine the results of our battles. I was already addicted to this game. The last vestiges of morality and etiquette in my heart were disappearing bit by bit with each time my brother ejaculated. In my mind, she was no longer my cousin, but a woman exuding youthful charm, a sexual partner with whom I shared my lovemaking every day… in a spiritual sense.

As my cousin grew older, her clothing and appearance gradually became more fashionable. She dressed more and more beautifully, transforming from a country girl into a city girl. From my underwear analysis, I was the first to notice this change. She gradually started wearing high-waisted briefs, some with lace, some with patterns, and the colors leaned towards green and small floral prints… I always get incredibly excited about new underwear… One summer night, nearing autumn, I noticed she was wearing a pinkish-nude thong with lace trim and a V-shaped openwork design in the front… A truly sexy pair of panties. The next day, she came home from class, and as I expected, she was wearing that denim skirt, probably with pantyhose to avoid any wardrobe malfunctions. But as soon as she got home, she took off her pantyhose and went to the living room to watch Happy 100 Points in slippers. Only I knew that under that skirt was her body, covered by a pair of panties that made me blush… Without the pantyhose to hinder me… My lustful desires began to stir again. I sat diagonally opposite her and noticed that the opening of her skirt faced the television directly. It was difficult to see from the side, so she brazenly spread her legs. How could I let such an opportunity pass?! So I started making Kung Fu tea, and while pretending to pour her some, I openly feasted my eyes on what lay beneath her skirt…

Sure enough, it was that sexy pair of panties. A familiar pink light made me dizzy, but this time, there were blurry black parts peeking through the lace… pubic hair!! Her voluptuous lower body filled the panties perfectly, making the entire pair of briefs seem to have a life of its own, constantly sending me sexual signals… The teasing from the television made her laugh like silver bells. Her face flushed slightly, and she smiled charmingly! Her beautiful eyes sparkled! How I long to pounce on her, tear her shirt, rip off her bra, pull off her panties… to thrust my scepter into her womb, pumping in and out a hundred or two hundred times, pouring my holy water into her secret valley!! I want to nibble and play with her breasts, I want to kiss her entire body, I want to rub my pubic hair against hers, sparking the flames of life… I want to make my dream come true,

I want to fuck her!!

I want to fuck her!!

But that's impossible… I don't have the courage, nor can I completely abandon reason and morality. Just as lust was burning my whole body red, threatening to consume me… a strange yet familiar voice suddenly echoed in my heart, each word rebuking me. My body was in a fiery purgatory on one side, and an icy abyss on the other… "She is your sister!! If you love her, you shouldn't do anything that might hurt her!! You've already possessed her spiritually, but not physically!! In this moment of inner turmoil, I ran to take a cold shower!!

My illness arises from infatuation and love; my illness is caused by the illness of all beings."

—

Under the showerhead, I told myself that I was just a harmless wolf, satisfying myself through peeping and fantasizing about my prey… But I was absolutely harmless. If I crossed that line and hurt someone, I would become a real wolf, hated by everyone! No, I don't want to become like that. I still prefer to be a voyeur who doesn't harm or attack others, taking their beauty as sustenance. If I really attacked her, it would violate my principles, and I felt I couldn't bear the consequences… But another voice in my heart weakly cried out: Do it! Do her! She's just a woman, a sexual object. If I don't do it now, I'll regret it later! I'm not willing to accept this! … The shock of cold water temporarily suppressed the challenge of lust, and a voice of compromise rang out…

But, in a chance encounter not long afterward, physical desires surged back fiercely… The pressure of a torrent of sexual desire overwhelmed him… But that's a story for another time…

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IV. Lust, Hell

Sometimes large drops of water fall on your curly hair, please don't move. It's not rain from a leaky roof. Please don't cry, just silently hold my hand.
— Heinrich Hein

Sometimes large drops of water fall on your curly hair, please don't move. It's not rain from a leaky roof. Please don't cry, just silently hold my hand.

That year, I took the college entrance exam. Perhaps it was my cousin's excellent tutoring, perhaps it was a miracle, or perhaps it was the omnipotent God who gave me magical power, but I actually got into a private university. My parents were overjoyed. I believe it was my cousin who brought about this huge change in me; she even bought me a motorcycle as a gift... Of course, my cousin changed my life. For the first time, driven by lust, I began to think about spirituality and love. From a mere bystander, I participated in my first game of love. Of course, for someone who had just graduated from high school and didn't know how to take care of others or how to control my emotions, it was a very heavy game, both for me and for her...

Not long after the results were released, I went on a healthy activity with a few close friends who often played "flying" games at school (flying means peeping from under overpasses or stairs!!). We went hiking on Dabajian Mountain. After descending the mountain, I spent a few days at Sun Moon Lake and met a bunch of girls. One of them, Xiao Jie, was very cute, but not my type. She kept bothering me from the start, which made me a little flattered. I consider myself not good-looking and unpopular with girls, but to have a girl casually approach me gave me a boost of confidence. Upon asking, I learned she appreciated my quiet, slightly melancholic expression (heaven knows, it was because I had nothing to say, my mind was a complete blank, so I just kept quiet and pretended to be melancholic—isn't silence golden?). We chatted, and it turned out we both got into W University. Driven by curiosity about the opposite sex and the encouragement of my best friends, we were paired up. I thought it was good this way; it's convenient to do anything if we're in the same school. Even without fish and shrimp, it's good! At least I'll have company for dances and such!

Several more days passed in laughter and chatter. When it was time to go home, my friends were all reluctant to part, but I felt a sense of anticipation and longing. Soon I would see my cousin again. On the northbound train, Xiao Jie fell asleep on my shoulder. The train rumbled along, getting closer and closer to home, and my anticipation grew stronger… I wonder what my cousin is doing now? …We can be together every day during summer vacation… My feelings were like those of a wanderer who has been away from home for many years, hoping to see yellow ribbons tied to trees on the streets of my hometown.

I looked down at Xiaojie; she was sleeping sweetly, a simple, youthful, and lovely girl, with the liveliness and confidence of our generation of young people… Did she know that sitting next to her was a wolf that dared not devour her? Xiaojie frowned slightly, as if she were dreaming of something, or perhaps answering my question. If I were to accept her as my true love and stop overthinking, perhaps life would be simple and happy, at least freeing me from the entanglements of lust… But I refuse to give up so easily. A wandering heart shouldn't stop resting so readily; I harbor greater ambitions that awaken and stir when darkness falls, dancing to the pounding drums of my adrenaline… I am a wolf, though I yearn for the warmth of human homes, I don't want a home. I'd rather hide in the shadows, a proud wolf, for wolves cannot be tamed. …For Xiaojie, she is merely a comma in my life, certainly not the end. I felt no guilt whatsoever. We hadn't made any promises; our relationship was purely based on physical attraction, a matter of convenience. Who cares?! Even if it did, what in this world is truly permanent? My restless hands, however, took advantage of her sleep and gave her a few playful gropings. That was my gain… I thought to myself.

After exchanging phone numbers and addresses with Xiaojie at the station, I rushed home, eager to get back. My parents weren't there. I habitually went to the balcony for my long-neglected hair styling. To my surprise, my youthful accessories were missing from the clothes rack. I frantically checked the laundry basket—nothing there! Where was my cousin? Had she gone home?… My heart sank as if doused with cold water. I settled down in the living room, feeling down. Just then, my mother came home. "Xiaoxiong, you're back!" "Yeah! Where's my cousin? Xiaoru?" "...She got a call the day before yesterday, saying her dad was sick, so she rushed home. That child is quite filial!" I breathed a sigh of relief; I thought she had moved away! Thank goodness she's home! I chatted with my mother casually, without telling her about Xiaojie. I don't really like sharing secrets with others, especially since I haven't really gotten to know Xiaojie yet. If I told her, she'd just start nagging. After dinner, I made an excuse about a headache and went to bed.

Unable to sleep, I tossed and turned in bed. I sneaked into my cousin's room, quietly opened the closet, pulled out the bottom drawer, and took out all her underwear, spreading it on the bed. I examined each of her intimate accessories like a military review, as if handling precious antiques; I had indeed collected them, deep within my heart, in a dark and ambiguous corner belonging to my cousin and me. Each piece of underwear told a story. I could recall its color, style, scent, even how it was worn—I knew it all by heart. Recalling our past, and the first time I saw her wearing each of those pieces, I blushed and my heart pounded. I lay down gently, imagining Ru lying beside me. Strangely, the excitement and passion of the past had vanished... and an overwhelming loneliness and self-pity washed over me. Did she know that a young man had fallen into the boundless vortex of her lust, tossing and turning, unable to sleep? Ah! Cousin!! Xiaoru!!

I initially thought my desire for my cousin was just a natural reaction to a young body, like my past peeping at women whose names I didn't know. To them, my peeping was probably just an embarrassing incident, a harmless rumor that would soon fade away. I figured that once I had a girlfriend or found a better outlet, I could easily shift my focus. But returning home, I was shocked to discover that my cousin had quietly taken over a corner of my heart. Through fantasies and peeping at her body, through intimate appreciation, caresses, and masturbation, I seemed to be gradually falling into an inescapable love. A strange feeling, isn't it? Driven by pure physical attraction and stimulation, I stole her private affairs, learning most of her physiological secrets. But a strange feeling slowly grew within me. Because of my understanding of her physiology, I became more and more like her man (though that's my own perception; or you could call it masturbation). Beyond physical fantasies and desires, I felt a greater yearning for her, something beyond simply possessing her body. I even began to want to explore her inner world, to share her joys and sorrows. I wanted to go beyond just spying on her, merely stealing the secrets of her youth like a thief. I wanted to tell her, Xiaoru, I love you!! It's hard to believe I've developed such feelings for my cousin, who's two years older than me, especially when she's not around. Facing all her intimate secrets, I feel no sexual urges or passion. Deep down, there's a lingering pity and sorrow; it's like seeing something belonging to someone I've lost, suddenly reminding me of their passing. A pang of separation gnaws at me, and I can't help but cry… The radio in the middle of the night keeps playing that song… Will You Still Love. Me...tomorrow...

I decided to head south to Chiayi to find her first thing the next morning... "

You love my heart, I pity your beauty; because of this karmic connection, we are bound together for countless eons "

—Surangama Sutra, Volume Nine.

Getting off the train at Chiayi Station, I returned to my hometown after several years... The familiar Wu Feng statue had been replaced by a Liberty Bell. The intense southern Taiwanese sun made everything shine and shimmer. My heart was filled with joy because I was going to find my love. I was like a confident warrior; the road ahead might be bumpy, the enemy might be treacherous, but because I had found true love, I could fight for her without hesitation. After clarifying my feelings, I suddenly felt very happy and felt I had matured a lot. Perhaps I was too young! I always wove beautiful dreams, believing the earth revolved around me... Back then, I enjoyed my self-righteous sense of entitlement and smooth sailing... That's probably the capital of youth, little did I know that I almost lost everything in my first bet...

I jumped on the bus to Lantan and took my first step towards her...

——————————————————————————–

V. A Beautiful Beginning

Gather ye rose-buds while ye may,
old time is still a-flying;
and this same flower that smiles today,
tomorrow will be dying.

— Robert Herrick
Gather ye rose-buds while
ye may, old time is still a-flying; and
this same flower that smiles today
, tomorrow will be dying.

Today I specially wore a suit, hoping to dress more maturely. I bought some souvenirs, and I felt like I was about to propose marriage. When I got off at the bus stop, I hurried along... finally, I arrived!! My cousin's big dog had already started barking. After being away for so long, the little black dog that used to chase me around as a child didn't recognize me anymore. My aunt poked her head out, her face beaming: "Auntie!

Xiongzi! Long time no see! Did you have time to come over?" "

I came to Chiayi to visit a classmate, and I heard Uncle wasn't feeling well, so I came to check on him!

It's nothing, just an old ailment, that's how it is with age!

You and Aru are the same,

always getting nervous! I also took the opportunity to visit my hometown, it's been so long since I've been back! The roads have changed so much!"

My aunt warmly invited me in to sit down.

"Ah, if you're not in a rush, you can stay here a few more days!"

"Okay!

" Uncle also came out. He suffers from gout, what they call his chronic illness.

"Uncle, are you feeling any better?" "

I'm fine! It's just that your aunt was too anxious. She told Aru, which made him come all this way... but

he's so filial!"

As I chatted with them, I wondered why I didn't see my cousin.

Ah... my cousin isn't here?

Did she go out with her friend

?

She said it's a classmate! She lives in Minxiong. She came over in the morning and sat for a while. After lunch, Aru said she wanted to go for a walk with her, but now? She'll probably be back soon!

Oh... a pang of jealousy rose in my heart... a classmate!?

Just then, my cousin returned. "Hey! Xiaoxiong! What are you doing here?"

I turned back to see my uncle, who hasn't been back in ages! (Actually, I just came to see you!)

Seeing my cousin's radiant face, my earlier jealousy vanished.

Wow! Wearing a suit!! You look so much older," my cousin teased. (I'm pretending to look older for you!!)...

We chatted until evening. My cousin came upstairs to make my bed. Looking at her slender back, and the outlines of her bra and panties on her back and buttocks as she bent over, I had an urge to hug her from behind. Lost in thought, my cousin turned around and smiled sweetly at me: "Why did you think of coming to see your cousin?

I missed you so much when I couldn't see you at home! (Really!!)

Wow! You even dared to take advantage of your older sister! I won't take you out to play tomorrow!!"

Suddenly

, there was a moment of silence, and the two of them became a little awkward.

"Sis, I want to take a shower. I'll run the hot water for you." (Just like a wife to her husband!!)

I tidied my clothes, and as I went downstairs, my cousin called from the living room: "

You're a guest, so you can shower first!!" "I've run the water, young master!"

I quickly washed myself in the bathroom, taking the opportunity to survey the layout.

When I came out, my cousin was already waiting outside: "Go to sleep early, we'll take you out to play tomorrow!" "

Okay!"... I pretended to go upstairs, and when I heard the sound of the bathwater running, I tiptoed back downstairs.

My cousin's bathroom has a vent under the door, and I couldn't resist the temptation to peek at her showering... I cautiously approached the bathroom, like a wolf, holding my breath as I approached my prey... The yellow light from the bathroom shone through the vent... My cousin should be starting to undress by now!? I slowly lowered my head... The light shone on my face... At this moment, I must have a devilish face!? Through the gap in the vent, I saw my cousin's long, slender legs... My cousin started to undress. First, she unbuttoned the front of her top, and then took it off completely, revealing a white lace bra underneath. Then she took off her sweatpants, revealing a rounded bottom encased in small, white panties with tiny red flowers, below which were long, beautiful legs. I swallowed hard, afraid of missing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to glimpse my cousin's most mysterious area. My cousin turned around, reached behind her back, unhooked her bra, and placed it on the laundry basket beside her… My cousin's flawless white back was fully displayed before me… Why didn't she turn around?… My little brother was already rock hard… My cousin inserted her fingers into the edge of her panties, slowly rolling them down her thighs… My brother was almost at his limit… Just

then, I suddenly heard my uncle cough! I was terrified and rushed upstairs on tiptoe, my heart pounding. Peeking down, I saw the sound was coming from his room… Oh no! I didn't have the courage to go back downstairs and peek anymore; there was always tomorrow! But the underwear was one I hadn't seen before; it was probably a new pair he'd bought at home!? I went to steal some to study...

Half an hour later, after making sure no one was downstairs, I sneaked down again, went into the bathroom, and rummaged through the laundry basket for my cousin's underwear that she had just taken off... After searching for a while, a set of youthful accessories appeared before my eyes. I hurriedly brought it to my nose and smelled it. It was that familiar scent, the body odor that haunted my dreams and made my brother's eyes water. I stuffed the panties into my pocket and secretly ran upstairs. I entered, locked the door, and took out my underwear—a small white Triumph M-size panty with small red floral print. I removed my pajama bottoms and underwear, held the panty to my nose and inhaled, then lightly licked the remaining fluid from my cousin's genitals with the tip of my tongue, recalling everything I had just seen… A thick stream of fluid spurted from my penis. At my cousin's house, I had reached orgasm with her again and again… in my imagination.

Go knock on my cousin's door!! A wicked thought arose.

If one day I get lost in the wind, take me back to your embrace.

Because I know you are a child who worries easily,

so even when I fly, I dare not fly too far

—Chen Sheng.

I sneaked downstairs again, approached my cousin's room, and gently turned the doorknob—it wasn't locked!! I pushed open the door and saw my cousin wearing a pink nightgown, her blanket kicked off, revealing a bit of her stomach. I lovingly pulled the blanket back up to cover her, but unintentionally woke her up. "

Oh! Xiaoxiong! Why aren't you asleep yet? It's so late!" "

I...can't sleep,

what's wrong? Not used to sleeping in a different bed?"

Looking

at her tired face, I felt a pang of pity; my earlier desire had subsided considerably. "

Sis...

what's wrong?

Can I kiss you goodnight?" "

You're such a grown woman, still acting like this!

Please!"

Seeing her noncommittal expression, illuminated by the bedside lamp, and her flushed face from just waking up, she looked exceptionally shy and endearing...I couldn't resist leaning in for a kiss. My cousin, seeing I was serious, shyly turned her head away, and I kissed her cheek. "

Now you can go to sleep, right? You naughty boy, still acting like a baby even though you're all grown up!!"

My cousin made a shy face, and I laughed at my own silly behavior... Leaving my cousin's room, the feeling of fulfillment and excitement was completely different from masturbating.

Because of my joy, I bit my bedsheet and couldn't sleep all night until dawn...

——————————————————————————–

VI. The music ends, the person is gone, only green peaks remain on the river.

Give me that man. That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him in my heart's core, a, in my heart of heart, as I do thee.
— shakespeare, hamlet iii.ii.68-71

Give me a man who is not a slave to passion, and I will keep him deep in my heart, truly, in my heart of heart, as I cherish you.

The next day, I went to Lantan with my cousin, a place we used to frequent as children. Sandbars dotted the lake, the water shimmered, and occasionally egrets flew by. The scenery was just as beautiful as it had been back then; time seemed to stand still, or flow backward. Six-year-old me was walking with my older cousin, her little hand holding my even smaller one. I insisted on walking on the side closest to the road… “

Sister, you go inside, I’ll go outside.”

“No, it’s too dangerous to go outside with cars.

” “That’s why I’m going to go outside to protect you, sister!”

My cousin’s face showed a touched expression.

“What if a car comes? What about Xiao Xiong?

” “I can jump out of the way!” “Xiao Xiong knows kung fu, he’s not afraid of cars

…” In the end, my cousin went outside because she said she was the older sister.

…

What am I thinking about? My cousin’s question pulled me back to reality. The sunlight shone on her face, making her smile radiant.

“Nothing! Just thinking about some things from when I was little!”

When you were little, you were the naughtiest, but also the most affectionate towards your older sister.

Once, you fell into the pond while picking water lilies and were rescued. Later, you found out that you picked them for me...

I just said, "Water lily flowers are so pretty!!"

Who knew you would do that...

My cousin smiled, as if she had returned to those days of deep sibling affection, simple and happy.

Yes, I'd do anything for you… I thought I was merely attracted to your mature, feminine body, but now I realize that these feelings had been growing unknowingly in my heart since I was very young. The separation of time and space caused them to lie dormant for a while, but with our reunion… my frantic exploration of your body… I desperately wanted to know everything about you, to relive my understanding of you, to make up for the time I missed seeing you grow during our separation… When we broke up, you were a little girl; now you're a mature woman!! …Furthermore, fueled by desire, these feelings sprouted and spread in my heart… constantly gnawing at my soul. Only after this brief separation did I realize that you weren't just on my spying list, but held a much more important place in my heart… I can't even tell if my feelings for you are love or lust? Or perhaps both? Strolling along the long embankment, a gentle breeze ripples the still water. You walk ahead of me, the breeze ruffling your well -

fitting white shirt, revealing glimpses of your slender figure… But now, my feelings for you aren't lustful fantasies; rather, they are tenderness and gratitude, for someone who shared my childhood, who satisfied my sexual fantasies during my turbulent adolescence (though you don't know)… For you… I so wish this embankment would never end, that we could walk like this forever, life after life, eternally…

Sister, Uncle said a boy came to see you yesterday! Is he your boyfriend?

Oh… not really! He's my classmate, also from Chiayi, but he went to Taipei for high school.

When I first entered Taipei University, I was still quite unfamiliar with the city, and he enthusiastically ran errands for me...

(If you asked me, I would have done the same!!)

He's a nice guy, from the same hometown, and he's been very kind to me. (Me too!!)

A hint of jealousy began to grow in my heart, and the sweet feeling I had just felt was slowly fading.

So, you like him?! (I hope not!!)

I don't know! Anyway, we get along quite well… (!!!!)

A wave of heartache washed over me, like a thousand ants gnawing at my heart… (She has a boyfriend?!?!?!?)….Xiao

Xiong, what about you? Do you have a girlfriend? Tell your sister, oh… (Of course not!!)

… I gave a bitter smile. (You're the only one in my heart!!)

Yes!!

What's her name? Can you tell your sister?

Her name is Chen Yunru!! (Really!!)... My cousin paused for a moment...

Haha... Don't try to take advantage of me, I'm telling you the truth, (It's true!!)

There is someone, but the time isn't right yet, I'll tell you later, (It's you!!)

Oh... If there isn't one, I'd like to introduce you! ?

m...

Jealousy spread rapidly in my heart, my heart was burning with anger... I couldn't hear what my cousin was saying anymore... Only a series of questions echoed in my mind:

Why? ? , Why! ? , Why! !

Behind the prosperity lies desolation,

behind passion lies nothingness

, life sways between attachment and enlightenment—

somebody

I became more silent during dinner. I'm usually quiet anyway, so it's hard for others to tell from my appearance that a chemical change is happening inside me...

After eating, I watched some TV, took a shower, and then used a headache as an excuse to hide in my room. A wounded beast needs to find a place to heal! My cousin is on the phone; it's probably him calling! Seeing how happy she is, I felt a sharp pain in my heart... Why not me?! ... I quickly went upstairs, locked the door, and the tears I had held back all day finally flowed...

Lying in bed, I tossed and turned, thinking about the change in my feelings. Besides self-pity, there was also a trace of resentment in my heart.

(My cousin is mine!! No one can take her away.)

(She loves me the most, but she's just too afraid to say it!!)

(If I dare to confess to her, she'll give him up for me!!)

(If I can't win her love…)

A terrible thought is gradually taking shape… (I'll possess her first, then everything will be easy!!)

My rational self is gradually retreating, my emotional self has long since vanished; the beast within me is gradually awakening and reviving, urging me to take terrible actions…

(At least get her body first…)

(Didn't you want to do it last time??)

(Besides, she's about to become someone else's woman…)

The sound of the water heater downstairs seems to be tempting me… those youthful bodies in the bathroom!!

(Anyway, my aunt and the others go to bed early.)

(Given Ru's personality, she wouldn't dare make a loud sound.)

My heart was filled with lust; love and morality were all thrown to the back of my mind. All I could think about was how to make my move…

I quietly descended the stairs. The bathroom light shone through the vent. Let me continue yesterday's great work! I lowered my head quietly. The light shone on my face, and in the misty steam, a slender, youthful body came into view…

My cousin had removed all her restraints, and a body like Venus's was revealed before me… Ah!! The beautiful body I had longed for day and night, the body that haunted my dreams!! …Vaguely visible in the steam…skin as white as snow, a face flushed with pleasure as the hot water washes over her, a few beads of sweat mingling with the water droplets, reflecting a rosy glow, radiantly beautiful…Next comes the graceful curve of her neck, shoulders…and down the cleavage are her high, pink breasts, so alluring…Ah! Those are my sister's breasts! I'm already familiar with how they look in all sorts of bras, but I never imagined they would be so beautiful and firm after being freed from their constraints. How wonderful it would be to suckle them!! …My hand was already inside my pants, comforting my brother who was a little teary-eyed from excitement… My hand traced down the beautiful curve of my abdomen, down to the slightly protruding belly, and further down was a grove of glistening black hair, guarding my most mysterious genitals… That was my private area!! …

My cousin lightly touched her private parts with her index finger, and I could vaguely see her pink moat. I felt my blood rushing to my head, a dizzying sensation, as if the body before me was just a dream, yet utterly different… I couldn't help but feel an urge to release the millions of sperm within me… Hot water gushed down, and she was oblivious, reveling in the comfort of washing her body and the pleasure of touching her private parts, probably unaware of the low panting of a wolf outside the door!

After washing, my cousin dried herself with a towel. She reached for a pair of pinkish-white underwear on the shelf, slipped one leg on, then the other, slowly pulling it up to cover her dark forest. But perhaps the material of these high-waisted thongs was too thin, and her pubic hair gradually released droplets of moisture, seemingly unwilling to be covered, slowly outlining a dark, blurry shape through the panties. My cousin tidied her hair, then turned around and took off her bra, putting it on from the front, adjusting the straps, and fastening the back clasp behind her back. At this moment, her breasts were already encased in the pink and white cups, but as if unwilling, they pushed the bra out in a beautiful arc… Then she put on her pajamas, slipped on her pajama pants, and exhaled. Ah! A door opened with a bang… A dark shadow crashed down on her…

Before she could even scream, I pushed her into the bathroom. I hugged her tightly and shoved her against the wall. Her eyes widened, looking at me with an incredulous, excessively frightened expression. I eagerly pressed my lips to her cherry lips… She seemed to suddenly remember something… and forcefully turned her mouth away, causing me to miss my target, only managing to kiss her cheek. Her face went from rosy to pale… and she began to struggle… “Xiao Xiong!! You can’t do this!!” she pleaded in a low voice, large tears welling up in her eyes. My left hand pressed against her breast, as if I could still feel the firm softness beneath her bra; my right hand began to pull down her pajama pants… “Xiao Xiong!! No!! I’m going to scream if you do this!!” At that moment, I was less like myself and more like a beast wanting to release its pent-up desires!!… My lips splattered across her face, mumbling indistinctly: “Ru! I like you, Ru!” "Give it to me!!" My hands roamed and tugged at her body... "No!! Please don't!" "Waaah!..." Large tears finally streamed down her face...

This cry was like a lightning bolt, striking my forehead. I involuntarily released her; in an instant, the overwhelming desire vanished... My heart was filled only with regret, remorse, and pain... It was as if I had returned to the time when I did something wrong as a child and made her cry... My cousin's eyes were red and she was sobbing, tears dripping down her cheeks... I couldn't help but kneel down...

Cousin!

Forgive me!!

…My cousin straightened her clothes, walked past me, covered her face, and rushed out the door…I, however, just knelt in the bathroom, unable to control myself for a long time, as if my soul had dissipated into the air, numb, staring blankly at the wall in a daze. A moment later, tears streamed down my face… "

Only because all phenomena combine to form this body

, arising

and ceasing are only the arising and ceasing of phenomena

"—Vimalakirti Sutra.

The next day, I said goodbye to my aunt, but didn't see my cousin. I heard she had gone out early in the morning. Of course, from my aunt's normal expression, I knew my cousin hadn't told her about last night. This made me even more uneasy. Helplessly, I could only leave, filled with regret…

When I got to the platform, I was still fantasizing about whether my cousin would come to see me off. I searched the platform twice, and finally boarded the train with a sense of helplessness and sadness... Reflecting on the past few days, the difference between my feelings when I arrived and when I left was immense!... The whistle sounded, the train slowly glided along, and the scenery outside the window gradually accelerated past. I touched my pocket and was shocked to find my cousin's underwear... I cherished it and played with it in my pocket... I felt a pang of sadness, as if something was stuck in my throat, but I couldn't spit it out.

…Before the train left the platform, I glanced at the station one last time, unwilling to give up…and spotted a woman's figure, vaguely familiar, gazing out from the opposite platform, but the light was too dim for me to see her face…Is it her?, I told myself…From the platform came Tsai Chin's low, husky voice…

…Love me again~~~~~~

My eyes began to moisten, and tears finally streamed down my face again…

——————————————————————————–

VII. Flowing

and among the dreams of the days that were,
I find my lost youth again.
And the strange and beautiful song.
— hwlongfellow

And when I wander back to those past dreams,
I find my lost youth again.
That strange and beautiful song.

After returning from my cousin's house, the next step was to go up Chenggongling. During that time, I tried to contact my cousin, but I couldn't reach her. I thought she was avoiding me. Not long after, I left home for Chenggongling. This was the first time in my life that I had traveled for such a long time. My parents came to the station to see me off. My mother's eyes were red, and I comforted her... but I felt pained by my cousin's absence (she has always been the one who loves me the most. If... she should have come to see me off). Thinking of the sadness, my eyes also became a little moist. When I

arrived at Chenggongling, it was just monotonous basic training. Every day was the same, and I had no hope or anything to rely on. I tried writing to her, one letter a day, but she only answered me with silence and did not reply. I gradually treated writing letters as a diary, telling her about my life, my feelings and thoughts every day, but she still did not reply. My fellow sufferers, thinking I'd found a hopeless girlfriend, urged me to give up; some even introduced me to girls, but I just smiled and continued writing in my diary. This was the first time I could so devoid of desire, so earnestly and purely spiritually, Platonically, long for a woman. All I yearned for was to return to that simple love I once had—call it familial love, call it romantic love, as long as I could face her, hear her soft whispers, see her every smile and frown, that was enough!! Really!! That was enough!!

Every night in my dreams, she would come, but before I could call her name, she would leave again. The bitterness of longing and the resentment of self-blame gnawed at me, leaving me weeping in the middle of the night. People often only realize the value of what they have after they lose it. I regret learning this lesson at such a high price.

After leaving Chenggongling, school started, and I became a freshman. I met my cousin again at home. She was still the same as before, but there was a lack of affection in our eyes. I felt that she was avoiding me. Several times when I was alone with her, I had the urge to confess my feelings, but I was afraid of reopening her wounds, which might have already healed. I hesitated to speak, and she just used her usual smile to ease my embarrassment. The smile remained, but I knew that our relationship could never go back to what it was before... I felt the passion in my life was slowly draining away, and I became more and more silent...

I couldn't bear to watch our feelings wither, as it would hurt both of us more and more. So, I decided to leave—move out of the house, move to the school dormitory, start my new life, and reorganize my feelings, if I could, if there were still feelings...

Let's have a toast, what's the big deal? Why bother to be surprised? You and I are just bound by the same fate.

The mournful guitar melody reminds me of the burning resentment in my heart. Why dwell on the past when it's gone forever?
— Ye Junlin As

I entered W University, I began the typical life of a freshman – welcoming new students, saying goodbye to old ones, outings and barbecues, parties and dances. Under the guise of colorful, busy, and curious days, I seemed to gradually forget my cousin… People are forgetful, aren't they!? Perhaps my infatuation with her was just a product of a fleeting moment?!

I reconnected with Xiao Jie; she often came to see me, and as time went on, I seemed to be treating her like a girlfriend. One day after dinner, she came to see me again, inviting me to enjoy the night view from Yangmingshan. Today she was wearing a black t-shirt and a blue skirt, which accentuated her petite yet graceful figure. I came out of my place, and she was standing gracefully beside my Wild Wolf 125 motorcycle, smiling sweetly at me. "

Get in!" I said coolly.

Xiao Jie obediently sat sideways, wrapping her arms around my waist. A fragrance wafted over, making my heart flutter. With a sudden stop, I felt Xiao Jie's soft breasts bump against my body...

Ah!! This tribute to youthful flesh!!... My heart fluttered, my blood gradually accelerated, and the beast within me, long dormant, began to stir restlessly...

When we reached the mountain, we found a spot with a good view overlooking Taipei. The dazzling lights outshone even the starry sky. I deliberately found a well-hidden spot and sat down with Xiao Jie. The wolf of the wilderness kept a close watch on its prey, waiting for the right moment to strike.

My right hand slowly slid towards Xiao Jie's chest, sliding down from the neckline of her t-shirt... touching the lace edge of her bra. I tested Xiao Jie's reaction, and her body, as if boneless, obediently leaned against my chest. I suppressed my doubts and wariness towards her, and boldly explored the secrets of her body…

By the moonlight, I glimpsed her bra through her neckline… It was a vibrant purple… This seductive color stimulated my senses. I played with the lace on her bra with my fingers, and this teasing stimulation seemed to make her heart race… My fingers then slipped inside her bra from the top edge, touching her soft, full breasts… This soft touch stimulated me, slowly arousing me… My fingers touched her nipples, and I slowly caressed and soothed them

… Ah!!… Ru!!… These must be your breasts!!

Xiao Jie closed her eyes tightly, her whole body trembling slightly. My right hand restlessly played with her small breasts, her breathing became rapid, and her body trembled uneasily… I gently caressed her thigh with my left hand, sliding it step by step towards the base of her thigh… At the base of her thigh, I touched a silk panty, feeling the lace, the openwork, and the mysterious garden within… I glanced down, and it was also a fiery purple… Openwork… The exposed black portion defiantly challenged my adrenaline… My fingers gently touched it, the soft protrusion reflecting a slight dampness… Soon… my fingers could feel the moisture seeping into her panties…

This was my first time caressing a girl; my palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, and my mouth was dry… I tried to imitate the scenes from adult books, afraid of hurting her with any roughness… My right hand gently pinched her nipple, while my left hand slipped lightly inside her panties, exploring her most mysterious clitoris. My fingers touched soft pubic hair, slightly damp… Xiao Jie's eyes were closed, seemingly somewhat intoxicated by my caresses; occasionally she frowned, as if I was hurting her… Her breathing became more and more rapid… accompanied by my heavy panting… My fingers probed into her mysterious valley… Ah!!… A strange sensation spread from my fingertips, like an electric current coursing through my entire body, and a burning desire ignited within me… My breathing became more and more rapid… Xiao Jie's whole body trembled involuntarily… I felt a moist flow seeping from her valley… A tingling sensation ran through my lower body…

Xiao Jie opened her eyes, the moonlight illuminating her lightly powdered face, her rosy cheeks, her dark eyes brimming with desire, and her fragrant, orchid-like aura… I couldn't help but slowly lower my head… She looked at me with a half-smile, and my mind went blank… I pressed my lips to her cherry lips, and she turned around, wrapping her arms around my neck. Our lips met, and a sweet saliva flowed from her mouth. My hands stopped teasing and exploring her body, and I hugged her tightly… We kissed passionately… Our bodies intertwined and writhed intimately… This was my first kiss!!

I couldn't help but close my eyes tightly, completely savoring the primal desires of this body through touch. The stimulation of her tongue assaulted my brain wave after wave, my senses dominating my entire body, my mind a complete blank… The woman before me seemed to merge with the woman deeply etched in my memory… It was her!! It was her!!… I couldn’t help but cry out, “Ru

!! ”

Xiao Jie stopped as if electrocuted, quickly pulling her lips away. Immediately afterward, a sharp pain shot through my right cheek. Before I could fully comprehend what was happening, Xiao Jie abruptly stood up, breathing heavily. I saw her reddened palm and realized what had occurred. She gritted her teeth, tears welling in her eyes: “

I’m not your Ru!!

I’m Xiao Jie!!

Xiao Jie, I…” I tried to explain, but found myself unable to find a reason.

"Go find your Ruhao!!" Two tear tracks appeared on Xiaojie's face

. I...I...I didn't know how to explain...

Xiaojie turned and went down the mountain. I watched her figure grow further and further away...but I didn't know to get up and chase after her...Even if I caught up, what would it matter?!...I just sat there blankly, like a stone statue...My mind was blank, and I had no urge to cry. I only felt as if my body and soul had separated, drifting aimlessly...I don't know how much time had passed, but the bright moon was already obscured by dark clouds. I got up blankly, walked down the hill, got on my Wild Wolf 125, started the engine, and drove aimlessly, like a walking corpse.

Girl! My song is not yet finished, but my strings are broken;

— Feng Zhi. I sped down the mountain on my silkworm
, the wind whipping my face. I pondered the events that had just transpired, but my mind went blank… Dark clouds began to gather, and soon, large raindrops began to fall… A sudden pang of sorrow gripped my chest… I am a sinner!!… Hurting one woman and then hurting another… My thoughts raced, and the rain intensified… My vision blurred, unable to distinguish between tears and rain… I let the rain soak me, as if accepting punishment; yet also as if it could wash away my sins… Two distant lights grew larger and larger, dazzling me… My blurred vision couldn't discern the light… Were they messengers coming to guide me!?…

——————————————————————————–

Eight. Looking back at the desolate place

music, when Soft voices die.
Vibrates in the memory—odors
, when sweet violets wither,
live within the sense they quicken…
and so they thoughts, when you are gone,
love itself shall slumber on.
— pbshelley

The soft voices die, the music will linger in the memory.
Sweet violets wither, their fragrance lingers in the sensitive sense of smell…
Similarly, when you are gone, longing will sleep in the land of lingering affection.

The light spots grew larger and larger, my gaze became hazy, and after a blinding dizziness, two familiar figures walked towards me… One was my cousin Ru; the other was Xiao Jie.

I must be dreaming!!… I saw them walking towards me, their faces beaming with smiles. My cousin had her usual gentle smile, while Xiao Jie had a different kind of smile. When I looked closely, I saw that they were both naked. I seemed to see two perfectly sculpted goddess statues... The beauty was not carnal, but belonged to something beyond the mortal world, something that made you marvel and worship... If you have seen Michelangelo's Madonna holding Jesus, you can probably imagine what I saw. It was a beauty that one dared not look directly at, a beauty that made one feel as if looking directly at them would be a desecration. My heart was empty, devoid of any desire, only a little confused… My

cousin smiled at me, her cherry lips slightly parted:

Do you like me; or my body?…

I opened my mouth to answer, but Xiao Jie also spoke:

Do you like my body, or do you like me?

I began to fall into deep doubt. For my cousin, perhaps it was the attraction of her body that aroused long-dormant feelings, turning into infatuation with her. Undoubtedly, I liked her, but, was it lust or love, which was more important!?

As for Xiao Jie, her body also attracted me. Being with her was very relaxed and comfortable, without any moral burden. But, do I love her!?

I couldn't answer… I was speechless…

My cousin's smile gradually faded, and after a moment of silence, she slowly turned away. I hurriedly shouted:

Cousin!!

Ru!!

My cousin turned back to look at me, her eyes glistening with tears, on the verge of sobbing, her expression sorrowful—that was the look she had given me that night!! My heart ached terribly… that look I cherished, that I could never forget!!… I shouted:

Sister!! I love you!! My cousin didn't answer, and walked further and further away.

Little Jie, standing to the side, opened her large, beautiful eyes, trembled for a moment, then looked at me with a hint of confusion, and after a long, long time, two lines of tears streamed down her face. I felt a pang of pity and wanted to say something to her, but she turned away and slowly walked away. I felt a pang of heartache too…

Xiaojie!!

Don't go!!

Xiaojie turned back, and seeing her glistening eyes, brimming with tears, I felt as if I were back in the moment she slapped me. Her expression was exactly the same: anger, confusion, sadness, regret, and a hint of reluctance… This expression filled me with pain and self-reproach. I continued calling her name, but like my cousin, she walked further and further away…

Xiaojie!!

Do

n't go!!

The piercing pain brought tears to my eyes. I just kept calling out, but I didn't have the courage to chase after them. If it was just her, who else could I chase after? I couldn't help but kneel down, clutching my knees in anguish, tears streaming down my face… Suddenly, two elongated shadows slowly appeared on the ground. Had they returned?!… Overjoyed, I looked up, tears still in my eyes…

In that instant, I felt as if I had been struck by lightning, my whole body jolted… The bodies of the two goddesses remained, but their heads had been replaced by a male face…

It was my face!!

In the city of Shravasti, Yaj?āna, one morning, looked at his reflection in a mirror and loved the head in the

mirror— I slowly

regained consciousness amidst a mix of confusion and pain... (I'm awake! I'm awake!)... (Thank God!!)... (I can be discharged after a few more days of observation!)... (Finally awake!)... Soft sobs, children's noise, adults' voices, the sound of wheels, the beeping of the surveillance camera... then came the smell of medicine, mustiness, and all sorts of strange, mixed odors... finally, something familiar, a faint, delicate fragrance of a young girl... It's her!!

I struggled to open my aching eyes, and a pair of beautiful eyes blinked before me—long eyelashes, bright, sparkling eyes…it was my cousin, the one I had been longing for!

I couldn't contain my joy and wanted to scream, but I found I couldn't. My mouth was so dry and my whole body ached. When I looked down, I saw that my arms and legs were in casts. I subconsciously moved my legs, which sent a sharp pain through me… Ah!! What happened to me!?

Xiaoxiong, you've been in a car accident!!

You didn't even know?!

You and your bike plunged down the slope, thankfully you bounced out,

the bike fell to the bottom and was completely destroyed!!

You're lucky!! It's also thanks to the ancestors… My mother said slowly, her eyes filled with tears…

You were unconscious for a day, I didn't know if you would wake up?

I was so worried… Thankfully you woke up,

Xiaoru has been here with you the whole time!

Why were you riding so fast so late?! Father scolded you

! We'll scold him when you're discharged!! My cousin tried to smooth things over…

…

I couldn't hear what they said after that, I was a little confused, but also a little happy, thinking: (She's back!!) She's back!!)

I'm a playful and free-spirited kite, always making you worry.

If one day I get lost in the wind, how will I get back to you?

A playful and free-spirited kite, always playing in the sky.

If one day the string breaks, will you come back to find me?

If one day I get lost in the wind, take me back to your arms

—Chen Sheng. My kite

cousin just finished her school exams and has more time, while my parents have to go to work, so she volunteered to stay and look after me. I smiled, staring blankly at her. She lowered her head shyly. "

You scared everyone to death!!

If you hadn't woken up soon, my aunt and uncle would have collapsed!!"

She stopped smiling and lectured me with a slightly reproachful tone. I just smiled for a long, long time before finally speaking: "

You're back after all!

What? What do you mean, back? I've been here watching our little master!

Did he fall and become an idiot?!"

I just smiled... enjoying the tranquility and warmth after the rain...

Why can I only smile? Have I really become an idiot?? My cousin is teasing me...

Cousin

?

I...

What?

I'm sorry!!

...

My cousin lowered her head, silent for a while, then said softly: "

Actually, I received your letter.

I don't blame you.

It's just that Xiao Xiong has grown up, no longer the little brother who followed me around.

He has his own world, feelings, and...

desires .

I don't blame you. In my heart, I still think of you as a child who did something naughty, made me angry, and made me cry.

I hope it really was just Xiao Xiong's prank

. In the future... don't do it again." …

This is…good for everyone…

After all, you're the younger brother, and I'm the older sister!!

I looked at my cousin gratefully, accepting her new relationship with a mix of joy and sadness…I secretly vowed in my heart that I would never do anything to hurt her again…I would protect her, cherish her, and never waver…My cousin smiled radiantly, and I repeated my vow in my heart…

Who knew that not long after, I was caught in the whirlpool of lust with her again, and I broke that vow with my own hands…

I. My Peeping Experiences

Personally, I have a particular fondness for peeping at girls' private parts, imagining all sorts of things, and enjoying the pleasure of seeing but not being able to have them. Below are some of my experiences as a recollection and repentance of my youth!! My

earliest peeping target was my neighbor's older sister. She was in high school at the time, and I often liked to go to her house when I had nothing to do. Summer arrived, and as soon as she got home, she would lie down on the TV in her toy room to watch TV. Often, her snow-white panties would inadvertently peek out from under her schoolgirl skirt, making my blood boil at the sight of the white light shining through her skirt, a common occurrence during my adolescence. (I was a good boy and didn't have much money for adult books, so peeping at girls' underwear became my fantasy and outlet for my desires). But it always seemed to me that she was wearing white, schoolgirl-style panties…

A young woman upstairs often came to visit. She was about thirty years old, with delicate features and a good figure, though a bit thin and bony. Her child was in first grade. One time, she came to my house again, sitting in the living room chatting with my mother, while I was doing my homework. Suddenly, my eraser fell to the floor, bounced a few times, and landed under the sofa. I crouched down to look, and was shocked to find the young woman's denim skirt slit facing me. Carefully avoiding my mother's and her gaze, I shifted my gaze, pretending to search for something, and finally caught a glimpse under her skirt… the white thong between her thighs seemed unable to conceal the full bulge… that sensual bulge!! Unfortunately, the slit in her skirt closed again. I couldn't stay under the table forever, so I pretended to have a toothache, went to the room to get a mirror, sat on the sofa pretending to look at my teeth, adjusted the angle, and used the mirror to capture the glimpse of spring that the young woman inadvertently revealed from under her skirt… As she got up to leave, I thought I saw the cutout part of the upper part of her thong…

Back in junior high, I was always playful, lecherous, and lacking in courage. Because I attended a private high school, which combined junior and senior high sections, I often hid at the foot of the stairs after morning assembly, peeking at the glimpses of cleavage peeking through the hems of the older girls' skirts as they went upstairs… Most high school girls still preferred to wear schoolgirl-style white underwear, I think partly as a sign of innocence, and partly to avoid being seen by us lecherous guys, afraid that wearing anything too sexy would make us get nosebleeds… :p …We also tried the trick of hiding mirrors in shoes. I remember an art teacher who had just graduated from art school and came to teach us. She was very pretty and always wore dresses… Little did we know that what she considered the most dignified attire was actually our favorite target. From the reflection in the mirror, we could glimpse her round buttocks, encased in pink thongs. Unfortunately, we could only approach from behind, so we couldn't see the front of her colorful panties. There was also a female history teacher, a recent graduate from teachers' college, who was quite attractive. Perhaps lacking teaching experience, she would often bend over when students asked her questions, unknowingly revealing her flesh-colored lace bra… This made our history class particularly lively and engaging with questions. In the summer, she liked to wear sleeveless dresses, showing off her beautiful arms. Her armpit hair was very dark and thick, and during class, I often fantasized about whether her pubic hair was as dark and shiny as her armpit hair—what a wicked boy! However, when she raised her hand to write on the blackboard, the armpit hair she revealed certainly caused me, as a young boy, a great sensory stimulation. Our English teacher was a beautiful woman who was getting married soon. We always loved to wait for her to walk by in the hallway, then steal a glimpse of her secrets through the reflection in the mirror, and then write "white," "pink," or "blue" on the blackboard in the classroom she was teaching.

One summer afternoon, I was taking a nap at home when that young woman came again. It turned out she had asked my mother to buy some vegetables and was coming to pick them up. That day, she was wearing a bright red dress, knee-length. I thought to myself: There's probably nothing to see here, so I just went back to my nap. When I woke up, I went to the kitchen to open the refrigerator for a drink of water and found my mother had left. The young woman was squatting on the floor arranging her vegetables. As I approached, I was shocked to discover that she had lifted her skirt to make it easier for her to squat down. Driven by some wicked motive, I approached her and struck up a casual conversation, my eyes secretly hoping for a glimpse of her underwear when she inadvertently opened her legs… My efforts paid off; she was probably so engrossed in her work that she forgot the elegance of her squatting posture. During a three-minute break, I carefully examined the color, style, and material of her panties… Today she was wearing pink, low-rise panties without lace, a neutral style, not at all flashy. The material seemed to be cotton, and I even saw the seam at the front of her panties. I imagined that beneath that seam lay her secret forest and valley! Unfortunately, I didn't see any pubic hair peeking out from under her panties... As my heart raced and my penis began to stir, she suddenly looked up, probably noticing my impure gaze. She then pulled her legs together, revealing the hem of her skirt. I smiled slightly at her and excused myself to go to the bathroom... Of course, this time I stayed in the bathroom for a particularly long time... :p

Time flies. I've passed my somewhat wicked yet not so wicked junior high school years and got into a high school with a low college entrance rate, but close to home. I still live at home, occasionally sneaking peeks at erotic novels and smoking cigarettes. Life goes on monotonously like this. I'm a bit short and have a face full of acne. While my classmates were busy chasing girls to skip class, I, lacking any luck with women, could only attend classes on time and be a good boy. Occasionally, I'd hide under the covers and masturbate, fantasizing about peeling off a small piece of fabric under a woman's skirt to explore the mysteries of that dark forest… The days repeated themselves monotonously like this… The older sister next door was already in college and paid more attention to her appearance, so I rarely saw her exposed. The young woman upstairs also came less often, but occasionally I still managed to set some traps and peek under her skirt. I recorded the time, place, color, and style in my diary.

The only other time was when I was strolling in the park and saw a girl intently drawing; because she was sitting on the ground, she accidentally exposed her underwear. I leaned closer for a look… it was white teenage panties, but with some patterns on them. Upon closer inspection, they turned out to be adorable cartoon characters! Haha, it looked like a little girl's thong!! I really wished I were that little fairy on the panties, licking her girlish fragrance… Another time, while buying shoes, I glanced down at the thong of a woman sitting opposite me who was also trying on shoes. She was about twenty-five or twenty-six years old, wearing a light green dress. I saw her legs part to try on the shoes, revealing a light green hue (I think it was probably because the light shone through the green dress onto her white panties!), thin thong; I say thin because I could glimpse her dark pubic hair, which seemed to be visible through the panties… In those brief five seconds, I saw her private parts that were not easily seen! As I was leaving after buying shoes, I saw a girl in a tight skirt standing and sitting while trying them on. My gaze met hers at the opening of her skirt—a flesh-colored, see-through pantyhose! But because she was still wearing pantyhose, and the lighting inside the skirt was dim, I could only catch a fleeting glimpse. I realized that shoe stores are really good places for peeping. If I don't get into university, I'll just become a shoe store assistant, hehe… :p

Aside from these amazing sights, life was basically monotonous and boring… As Barbuse said: "Un jour, tout ce qui est triste finira" (One day, the sad things will end). This continued until my beautiful cousin got into university, moved into my house, and then graduated and started working… Six long years brought blossoms to my life; during this period of struggle between reason, morality, and desire, besides satisfying my voyeuristic pleasures and indulging in fantasies about my cousin's youthful body, I also explored for the first time the subtle inner world and desires of women, and tasted the flavors of the sea of sex and the mountain of passion… But that's another story…

——————————————————————————–

II. My First Encounter with My Cousin

da sind keine flecken nur wunden.ach! und nur wunden.
— heinrich heine

That's not a stain, just a scar. Ah! It really is a scar.

One day I came home from school and as soon as I entered the door I saw a beautiful young girl smiling at me. Her face was vaguely similar… It turned out to be my cousin: Ru.

When we were little, I always clung to her. She was two years older than me, and always acted like an older sister. Because she was an only child and I was an only child, and we lived close by, we often played together. We'd play house, she'd be the bride, and I'd be the groom. That's how my carefree and happy childhood went by. She wasn't exactly a beauty, but her features were very delicate, and she had a good figure (as she grew up). Most importantly, she was the gentle and graceful type of girl; being with her was very comfortable, like a breath of fresh air. She never seemed to know what it meant to get angry, probably because her family wasn't well-off, so she always had a lot of tolerance and consideration for others. When I was little, I liked to play pranks and make her angry, but the most she would do was hide away and cry it out. After the rain cleared, we played together again :) When I was little, I often told her that I would marry her when I grew up, and she would just smile... and reply: "Then you'd better grow up quickly and stop bullying me!!" I would often take the opportunity to fall into her arms, tickle her, and make her beg for mercy. At that time, I think my pure love for her was more out of respect than romantic love! And her feelings for me were more like sibling affection! When we entered junior high school, our family moved north, and news of my cousin became sporadic. I only knew that she had excellent grades and got into the provincial girls' school (while I barely managed to get into a bad high school). The unfamiliarity, curiosity, and adaptation to the new environment... As a result, I gradually forgot about her from my hometown, and the memories slowly faded. The seemingly joking vows, like fairy tales from my childhood, became distant and unfamiliar.

Now, she looks much the same as she did when I was a child, only her hair is longer and she's thinner, making her delicate features even more slender. She's wearing an apricot-yellow dress, and her legs are shapely below the knees. She smiles at me gently. Ah! This smile, which haunted my dreams at midnight when I first went north, made me weep silently under the covers, unable to sleep. And now we meet again, is it true? Or not? I can only awkwardly and clumsily talk to her, chatting idly. It turns out she was admitted to T University this year and is going north to study. My aunt is a conservative country woman. I didn't feel comfortable having her stay on her own, so I asked her to come live with me. Wow! What a blessing! I chatted with her casually. Clearly, the price of studying hard was that she wore glasses, but it also added a touch of refinement and elegance to her face. I rambled on about Taipei, and she still maintained her usual gentle smile… She spoke very little, but loved to laugh… Just like when I was a child!!

Later, I pretended to be helpful (actually, I was also excited) and helped her tidy her room, putting on the airs of a virtuous stay-at-home husband. As she turned to pack her luggage, I carefully observed her back… Her figure was still beautiful, only more beautiful and taller, her proportionate figure encased in a well-fitting dress. She has blossomed into a beautiful college girl, while I am still a slovenly high school student with acne-covered skin, aimless and with no future in sight. Compared to her, I can't help but feel ashamed of myself.

I helped Ru tidy up her room and we chatted about what had happened since we last met. She had worked very hard these past few years, consistently ranking at the top of her class. I, on the other hand, had been busy slacking off… Now she was a student at a national university, about to embark on a vibrant and exciting new life, while I felt like a maggot still wallowing in the mud, and I couldn't help feeling a little depressed. We chatted as we tidied up. After I finished making the mattress, I turned around and saw my cousin standing on the table, tiptoeing as she stuffed her temporarily unused luggage into the attic space. A pair of beautiful legs swayed in front of me, challenging my self-control. My previous depression suddenly vanished because of this beautiful sight… Because she was standing on tiptoe, her skirt rode up slightly. When she pushed forward, the back of the skirt lifted up a little, revealing her thighs above the knees… I stared at her beautiful legs, unable to resist any longer… What was underneath her skirt? A wicked thought surged into my mind, and I swallowed hard, finding my mouth incredibly dry. My cousin was still busy tidying up her clothes, probably unaware of what I was doing!

So I pretended to bend down to tidy up the clutter under the table, slowly shifting my gaze to under her skirt… My cousin was like a sheep grazing with its head down, unaware that a hungry wolf was already watching her intently… I moved my gaze closer… A youthful body was gradually revealed before me…

I saw a rounded bottom, encased in small white panties. Because she was also wearing pantyhose, the panties were tucked inside, with some wrinkles around her buttocks, not quite fitting snugly. Based on my years of experience peeping, the material of her panties was probably nylon blend, because cotton panties seem thicker and fit better against the skin. Since her pantyhose were completely transparent above the waist, I could clearly see the color and material of her panties… But my good fortune didn't last long. She came downstairs after putting her things down. She had no idea what I had just done; she just noticed I was blushing (and my heart was racing) and asked, "So much stuff! You must be tired. Let's clean up tomorrow!" , I smiled at her a little guiltily, thinking to myself: I will know if my observation is correct tonight.

After watching TV in the evening, I was always the first to take a shower, but I was uncharacteristically slow to do so. Under my mother's urging, I replied impatiently: They want to watch TV! Ask your cousin to wash it first! , my cousin smiled at me and walked to the back. I didn't go to take a shower until she was finished. While everyone was watching TV in the living room, I went to the balcony at the back and found that there was a set of women's underwear where I usually hang my underwear, and they were still wet! ! It is rippling in the wind, like an open epiphyllum... I carefully took it off and secretly took it to the bathroom...

This is the first time I have seen a girl's personal treasure so close. A pure white, lace-trimmed Japanese-made bra, size 32A; white nylon-blend thongs, a typical student style, without exaggerated lace or frills, and no special design in the front. But it meant something different to me; it was my cousin's intimate garment, enveloping her alluring breasts and valleys… I brought it to my nose and inhaled, as if I could faintly smell my cousin's unique, youthful fragrance. Stimulated by the scent mixed with soap, my little brother stood erect. I wrapped it in my cousin's thongs, rubbing it back and forth, fantasizing about the youthful flesh beneath the underwear… A wave of dizziness rushed to my head, and my juices flowed freely… In the bathroom, only the thick steam accompanied my heavy breathing… I splashed some water to wash away the stains of my own on her underwear… My body felt a sense of liberation after release, weak and languid… But inside, I was filled with emptiness and self-reproach…

After my cousin came, I became more obedient, going home on time. My parents thought this was a good, peaceful development. I would ask her questions about my books, and while she answered, I would just stare at her blankly, smiling foolishly, imagining all sorts of things under her clothes… the styles and colors of her underwear… her youthful body… Before long, going to the balcony every night to examine her intimate parts became my daily routine. Besides the Three Principles of the People and Chinese history and geography, my mind was also filled with images of my cousin's various kinds of underwear—white, flesh-colored, pink… Every day I fantasized about her, listening to her soft whispers and her silvery laughter… and then masturbating in front of her underwear while showering became my daily anticipation and hope… Life took on a rosy hue…

My cousin was a country girl, so her clothing was rather conservative. Even her underwear reflected this; it was mostly white and flesh-colored. They were all the girlish type—low-waisted, conservative thongs without lace. She had one pink pair with an embroidered rose, probably her most provocative one; and another with small red and green floral prints… Her bras were all back-opening; she had one white strapless Wacoal bra with very elaborate lace, but I rarely saw her wear it.

Ever since I first glimpsed under my cousin's skirt, I've been longing for a chance to see her up close. I can only gaze at her freshly washed underwear, reminiscing over her clothes. I long for the day I can see her wearing these familiar undergarments, displayed before me… I waited and waited, and finally, the opportunity came…

——————————————————————————–

III. I love my cousin.

With a heart free of attachments, there is no fear; far removed from distorted dreams, one attains Nirvana
—Heart Sutra

. Tonight is a typical Taipei summer night, hot and humid. Even the occasional evening breeze is hot. Although we have air conditioning at home, it's no match for the power of the summer night. Combined with the basin climate, it rumbles and hums, making me feel somewhat listless. The family went to the rooftop to cool off. Although light pollution usually makes it difficult to see stars in Taipei, tonight was unusual; even the Milky Way was faintly visible. It felt like we were back in our childhood, enjoying summer nights under the pine trees.

The family brewed tea and started chatting. My parents reminisced about our childhood, and I laughed heartily when they told me funny stories, while my cousin smiled shyly along. My mother jokingly asked, "Rule, you can have a boyfriend once you get into university. Xiao Xiong is still in high school, and I won't allow him to date randomly!"

"Just be careful choosing your friends. Your mother entrusted you to me, and I think you're all grown up now and should think things through," my mother said with a smile. "Unlike Xiaoxiong, who's so impulsive and always seems like a child." I tickled my mother, and my cousin blushed and smiled slightly, "University studies are so busy! I don't want to have a boyfriend so early..." Hearing this made me feel a little uneasy... Actually, Xiaoxiong has grown up in some ways!

My cousin wore a blue denim skirt and a beige shirt today. In my experience, denim skirts are one of the easiest skirts to make a fashion faux pas. So I deliberately chose a seat opposite her, got the angle right, and then just waited for the fish to take the bait. My cousin kept crossing her legs, which is a very uncomfortable posture, and she had to switch legs frequently. Several times, during the moments she shifted her legs, I seemed to catch a glimpse of something, but I was never sure. Finally, her legs got tired, and she sat down on the low stool, spreading her legs out flat… She probably didn't know that a seemingly loyal werewolf was waiting for this opportunity, hoping to capture a rare glimpse of what lay beneath her skirt…

A shooting star!! A white streak flashed across the sky, and in the moment my cousin was distracted looking up, forgetting to close her legs, I caught a glimpse!!… A familiar pink light shone from under her skirt—it was that pink embroidered pantyhose!!… The pink, slightly transparent fabric covered the thick, seemingly bursting, mysterious area… As if to give me a better view, she shifted her body slightly, so that the entire opening of her skirt faced me directly, allowing me an unobstructed view of the boundless spring scenery beneath… I could even see the embroidered rose… Ah… Rose, rose, I love you… I wantonly captured this spring scenery, trying to memorize this enviable and heart-pounding combination… My penis was also writhing restlessly.

We stayed up too late admiring the moon, and everyone rushed downstairs to shower and go to bed. Before the bathroom, my mother said to my cousin, "You've been here so long, and you're still washing your own clothes. Since there's a washing machine, don't be shy, just put them in the laundry basket." My cousin nodded shyly. I hid in my room, thrilled by this unexpected stroke of luck. After my cousin finished showering, it was my turn. I waited quietly until everyone was in bed, then secretly went to the balcony to check the laundry basket. I searched for a long time but couldn't find it. Then I saw something wrapped around her shirt. I opened it, and my heart almost jumped out of my chest… It was her panties… crumpled up and wrapped inside. I hurriedly took them to the bathroom to check… It was the panties I'd just seen, only now they'd been removed from that beautiful body. It was the panties that covered my cousin's most alluring and mysterious area—that magnificent landscape! I brought the panties to my nose and took a deep breath. A strong, sweet scent of a young girl rushed into my head… Wow!!

This was my cousin's scent! The intense aroma of female hormones assaulted my senses, and my penis was already erect… I examined this most mysterious piece of clothing. It was completely different from the washed underwear I'd previously peeked at… It had just been removed from that body, filled with a woman's scent, the primal hormones that attracted the opposite sex. There were still some yellowish-white residues on the panties. I couldn't resist lightly licking them with the tip of my tongue. They tasted slightly sweet and sour. I thought, this must be the smell of my cousin's genitals!? I also found a pubic hair, jet black and bouncy, slightly curly…. This is my cousin's pubic hair!! …. I excitedly sniffed and licked the panty covering her mysterious area, finally using it to rub my penis until I ejaculated twice, once on her rose, and the other time on her bra, the right cup…. Afterwards, I took a shower, secretly put my underwear back in its place, and dragged my tired body back to my room to sleep.

Ru's room light was still on; she was probably still studying. Unaware that her unintentional exposure had stirred a young man's restless sexual desires; unaware that her cousin had just mentally raped her twice in the bathroom; even more unaware that the underwear she was to change into the next day might still harbor a particularly vigorous sperm, waiting for the most intimate contact with her uterus; she only knew she had a report to submit the next day… Unaware that in the next room, she had entered a young man's dream, playing the game of lovemaking with him…

So I began to familiarize myself with her body odor, even her menstrual cycle, starting with the color and style of her underwear. I collected and examined her pubic hair like a hunter collecting fur… I knew her inside better than I knew myself… I felt myself becoming increasingly perverted… Every day, I would only look forward to the evening, secretly fantasizing as I looked at her, imagining her youthful body beneath her clothes… I would guess at the contents, color, and shape of her underwear through the folds when she squatted down… Then, at night, I would check the results. I was already addicted to this game. The last vestiges of morality and etiquette in my heart were disappearing bit by bit with each time my brother ejaculated. In my mind, she was no longer my cousin, but a woman exuding youthful charm, a sexual partner with whom I shared my daily sexual encounters… in a spiritual sense.

As my cousin grew older, her clothing and appearance gradually became more fashionable, and she dressed more and more beautifully, transforming from a country girl into a city girl. From my underwear analysis, I was the first to notice this change. She gradually started wearing high-waisted briefs, some with lace, some with patterns, and the colors leaned towards green and small floral prints… I was always incredibly excited about a new pair of panties… Then one summer night, nearing autumn, I noticed she was wearing a pinkish-nude pair of briefs with lace trim and a V-shaped cutout in the front… A truly sexy pair of panties. The next day, she came home from school, and as I expected, she was wearing that denim skirt, probably with pantyhose to avoid any wardrobe malfunctions. But as soon as she got home, she took off her pantyhose, put on slippers, and went to the living room to watch Happy 100 Points. Only I knew that under that skirt was her body, covered by a pair of briefs that made me blush… Without the hindrance of pantyhose… my lustful desires began to stir again. I sat diagonally opposite her, noticing that the opening of her skirt faced the television, making it difficult to see from the side, so she brazenly spread her legs. How could I let such an opportunity slip by?! So I started making gongfu tea, and while pretending to pour her tea, I openly feasted my eyes on the view under her skirt…

Sure enough, it was that sexy panty. A familiar pink light made me dizzy, but this time, there was a blurry black part peeking through the lace… pubic hair!! Her voluptuous lower body filled the panty, making the entire thong seem to have a life of its own, constantly sending me sexual signals… The teasing on the television made her laugh like silver bells, her face slightly flushed, a charming smile on her face! Her beautiful eyes are so alluring! How I long to pounce on her, tear her shirt, rip off her bra, and pull off her panties… to thrust my scepter into her womb, pumping in and out a hundred or two hundred times, pouring my holy waters into her secret valley!! I want to nibble and play with her breasts, I want to kiss her entire body, I want to rub my pubic hair against hers, sparking the flames of life… I want to make my dream come true,

I want to fuck her!!

I want to fuck her!!

But that's impossible… I don't have the courage, and I can't completely abandon reason and morality. Just as lust was burning my whole body red, threatening to consume me… a strange yet familiar voice suddenly echoed in my heart, each word rebuking me. My body was in a fiery hell on one side and an icy abyss on the other… "She's your sister!! If you love her, you shouldn't do anything that might hurt her!! You've already possessed her spiritually, but not physically!! In this moment of inner turmoil, I ran to take a cold shower!!

"Where there is delusion and love, there is illness; because all sentient beings are sick, I am sick"

—Vimalakirti Sutra

. Under the lotus showerhead, I told myself that I was merely a harmless wolf, satisfying myself through peeping and fantasizing about my prey… But absolutely harmless. If I crossed that line and harmed someone, then I would become a real, universally hated wolf! No, I don't want to become like that. I still prefer to be a voyeur who doesn't harm or attack others, plucking their beauty as nourishment for my life. If I were to actually attack her, it would violate my principles, and I believe I cannot bear the consequences… But another voice within me weakly cried out: Do it! Do her! She was just a woman, a sexual partner. If I didn't do it now, I'd regret it later! I wasn't willing to accept that! ... Under the shock of the cold water, the voice of reason finally temporarily suppressed the challenge of lust. "Let's do it next time!" A voice of compromise rang out...

But, in a chance encounter not long after, physical desires surged back fiercely... The pressure of a sea of sexual passion overwhelmed him... But that's a story for another time…

——————————————————————————–

IV. Lust, Hell

Sometimes large drops of water fall on your curls, so don't move. It's not rain from a leaky roof. Don't cry, just hold my hand tightly.
— heinrich

sometimes large drops of water fall on your curls, please don't move. It's not rain from a leaky roof. Please don't cry, just hold my hand tightly.

That year, I took the college entrance exam. Perhaps it was due to my older cousin's excellent tutoring, perhaps it was a miracle, or perhaps it was a divine intervention that gave me magical power—I was somehow admitted to a private university. My parents were overjoyed. I believe it was my cousin who brought about this huge change in me; she even bought me a motorcycle as a gift... Of course, my cousin changed my life. For the first time, driven by lust, I began to think about spirituality and love. From a mere bystander, I participated in my first game of love. Of course, for someone who had just graduated from high school and didn't know how to take care of others or how to control my emotions, it was a very heavy game, both for me and for her...

Not long after the results were released, I went on a healthy activity with a few close friends who often played "flying" games at school (flying means peeping from under overpasses or stairs!!). We went hiking on Dabajian Mountain. After descending the mountain, I spent a few days at Sun Moon Lake and met a bunch of girls. One of them, Xiao Jie, was very cute, but not my type. She kept bothering me from the start, which made me a little flattered. I consider myself not good-looking and unpopular with girls, but to have a girl casually approach me gave me a boost of confidence. Upon asking, I learned she appreciated my quiet, slightly melancholic expression (heaven knows, it was because I had nothing to say, my mind was a complete blank, so I just kept quiet and pretended to be melancholic—isn't silence golden?). We chatted, and it turned out we both got into W University. Driven by curiosity about the opposite sex and the encouragement of my best friends, we were paired up. I thought it was good this way; it's convenient to do anything if we're in the same school. Even without fish and shrimp, it's good! At least I'll have company for dances and such!

Several more days passed in laughter and chatter. When it was time to go home, my friends were all reluctant to part, but I felt a sense of anticipation and longing. Soon I would see my cousin again. On the northbound train, Xiao Jie fell asleep on my shoulder. The train rumbled along, getting closer and closer to home, and my anticipation grew stronger… I wonder what my cousin is doing now? …We can be together every day during summer vacation… My feelings were like those of a wanderer who has been away from home for many years, hoping to see yellow ribbons tied to trees on the streets of my hometown.

I looked down at Xiaojie; she was sleeping sweetly, a simple, youthful, and lovely girl, with the liveliness and confidence of our generation of young people… Did she know that sitting next to her was a wolf that dared not devour her? Xiaojie frowned slightly, as if she were dreaming of something, or perhaps answering my question. If I were to accept her as my true love and stop overthinking, perhaps life would be simple and happy, at least freeing me from the entanglements of lust… But I refuse to give up so easily. A wandering heart shouldn't stop resting so readily; I harbor greater ambitions that awaken and stir when darkness falls, dancing to the pounding drums of my adrenaline… I am a wolf, though I yearn for the warmth of human homes, I don't want a home. I'd rather hide in the shadows, a proud wolf, for wolves cannot be tamed. …For Xiaojie, she is merely a comma in my life, certainly not the end. I felt no guilt whatsoever. We hadn't made any promises; our relationship was purely based on physical attraction, a matter of convenience. Who cares?! Even if it did, what in this world is truly permanent? My restless hands, however, took advantage of her sleep and gave her a few playful gropings. That was my gain… I thought to myself.

After exchanging phone numbers and addresses with Xiaojie at the station, I rushed home, eager to get back. My parents weren't there. I habitually went to the balcony for my long-neglected hair styling. To my surprise, my youthful accessories were missing from the clothes rack. I frantically checked the laundry basket—nothing there! Where was my cousin? Had she gone home?… My heart sank as if doused with cold water. I settled down in the living room, feeling down. Just then, my mother came home. "Xiaoxiong, you're back!" "Yeah! Where's my cousin? Xiaoru?" "...She got a call the day before yesterday, saying her dad was sick, so she rushed home. That child is quite filial!" I breathed a sigh of relief; I thought she had moved away! Thank goodness she's home! I chatted with my mother casually, without telling her about Xiaojie. I don't really like sharing secrets with others, especially since I haven't really gotten to know Xiaojie yet. If I told her, she'd just start nagging. After dinner, I made an excuse about a headache and went to bed.

Unable to sleep, I tossed and turned in bed. I sneaked into my cousin's room, quietly opened the closet, pulled out the bottom drawer, and took out all her underwear, spreading it on the bed. I examined each of her intimate accessories like a military review, as if handling precious antiques; I had indeed collected them, deep within my heart, in a dark and ambiguous corner belonging to my cousin and me. Each piece of underwear told a story. I could recall its color, style, scent, even how it was worn—I knew it all by heart. Recalling our past, and the first time I saw her wearing each of those pieces, I blushed and my heart pounded. I lay down gently, imagining Ru lying beside me. Strangely, the excitement and passion of the past had vanished... and an overwhelming loneliness and self-pity washed over me. Did she know that a young man had fallen into her boundless vortex of lust? Tossing and turning, unable to sleep? Ah! Cousin!! Xiaoru!!

I had thought my desire for my cousin was just a natural reaction to a youthful body, like my feelings for the women I had spied on before. I didn't know their names, and my peeping was probably just an embarrassing incident for them, like a harmless rumor that would soon disappear with the wind; that once I had a girlfriend or found a better outlet, I could naturally shift my focus. But upon returning home, I was shocked to discover that my cousin had unknowingly taken over a corner of my heart. Through fantasies and voyeuristic glances at her body, through intimate appreciation, play, and masturbation, I seemed to be gradually falling into an inescapable love. A strange feeling, isn't it? Driven by pure physical attraction and stimulation, I stole her private affairs and learned most of her physiological secrets, but a strange feeling was slowly growing. Because of my understanding of her physiology, I became more and more like her man (although that's my own perception; or you could say it's my masturbation). Beyond physical fantasies and desires, there was a greater yearning for her in my heart, one that went beyond possessing her body; I even began to want to explore her inner world and share her joys and sorrows. I want to stop just spying on her, to stop stealing the secrets of her youth like a thief. I want to tell her, Xiaoru, I love you!! It's hard to believe that I've developed such feelings for my cousin, who's two years older than me, especially when she's not around. Facing all her intimate secrets, I feel no sexual urges or passion. Deep inside, there's a hidden pity and pain; it's like seeing the belongings of a deceased friend, suddenly realizing they're gone. A pang of separation gnaws at me, and I can't help but cry… The radio in the middle of the night keeps playing that song… Will You Still Love Me...tomorrow...

I decided to head south to Chiayi to find her first thing the next morning... "

You love my heart, I pity your beauty; because of this karmic connection, we are bound together for countless eons "

—Surangama Sutra, Volume Nine.

Getting off the train at Chiayi Station, I returned to my hometown after several years... The familiar Wu Feng statue had been replaced by a Liberty Bell. The intense southern Taiwanese sun made everything shine and shimmer. My heart was filled with joy because I was going to find my love. I was like a confident warrior; the road ahead might be bumpy, the enemy might be treacherous, but because I had found true love, I could fight for her without hesitation. After clarifying my feelings, I suddenly felt very happy and felt I had matured a lot. Perhaps I was too young! Always weaving beautiful dreams, believing the earth revolved around me… Back then, I so enjoyed my self-righteous sense of entitlement and smooth sailing… That's probably the advantage of youth, little did I know I almost lost everything on my first bet…

I jumped on the bus to Lantan, and took my first step towards her…

——————————————————————————–

V. A Beautiful Beginning

Gather your rosebuds while you may,
old time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today, will be dying tomorrow
.

— Robert Herrick
Picking roses, while
they are still fresh; the sun and moon pass by, youth flies by;
tonight this flower, so vibrant and beautiful;
what will it be tomorrow? It will become a withered branch.

Today I specially wore a suit, hoping to look more mature. I bought some gifts, feeling like I was going to propose marriage. When I got off at the bus stop, I couldn't wait to walk quickly… finally, I arrived!! My cousin's big dog had already started barking. Having been away for so long, the little black dog that used to chase me around as a child no longer recognized me. My aunt poked her head out, her face beaming: Auntie!

Xiongzi! Long time no see! Did you have time to come over?

I came to Chiayi to visit a classmate, and heard that my uncle wasn't feeling well, so I came to check on him!

"It's nothing, just an old ailment, that's how it is with age!

You and Aru are the same, always getting anxious! I

also took the opportunity to visit my hometown, it's been so long since I've been back! The roads have changed so much!"

My aunt warmly invited me in.

"Oh, if you're not in a hurry, you should stay here for a few more days!"

"Okay!"

My uncle also came out; he suffers from gout, what they call his chronic condition.

"Uncle, are you feeling any better?" "

I'm fine! It's just that your aunt is too anxious. She told Aru, which made me come all this way…

she's just being filial!"

As I chatted with them, I wondered why I didn't see my cousin.

Ah… my cousin isn't here?

Did she go out with her friend

?

She said she's a classmate! I live in Minxiong. I came over for a while this morning, and after lunch, Aru said she wanted to go for a walk with him. But now? She'll probably be back soon!

Oh… a pang of jealousy rose in my heart… my classmate!?

Just then, my cousin came back. "Hey! Xiaoxiong!! What brings you here?" "

I came back to see you, and also to see Uncle. It's been so long!" (Actually, I just came to see you!)

Seeing my cousin's radiant face, my jealousy vanished.

"Wow! Wearing a suit! You look so much older," my cousin teased. "(I'm pretending to look older for your sake!!)"…

We chatted until evening. My cousin came upstairs to make my bed. Looking at her slender back and the outlines of her bra and panties on her back and buttocks as she bent over, I had an urge to hug her from behind. Lost in thought, my cousin turned around and smiled sweetly at me: "Why did you think of coming to see your cousin?

I missed you so much when I couldn't see you at home! (Really?!)

Wow! You're even taking advantage of your older sister! I won't take you out tomorrow!!

"...

Suddenly, there was silence, and we both became a little awkward. "

Sister, I want to take a shower. I'll run the hot water for you." (Just like a wife to her husband!!)

I tidied my clothes, and as I went downstairs, my cousin called from the living room: "

You're a guest, so you can shower first! I've run the water, young master!"

I quickly washed myself in the bathroom, taking the opportunity to survey the layout. When

I came out, my cousin was already waiting outside: "Go to sleep early, we'll take you out to play tomorrow!"

Okay!… I pretended to go upstairs, and when I heard the sound of the bathwater running, I tiptoed back down.

My cousin's bathroom door had a vent, and I couldn't resist the temptation to peek at her showering… I cautiously approached the bathroom, like a wolf, holding my breath as I approached my prey… The yellow light from the bathroom vent shone through… My cousin should be starting to undress now!? I slowly lowered my head… The light shone on my face… At this moment, I probably have a devilish face!? Through the gap in the vent, I could see my cousin's long, slender legs... My cousin started to undress. First, she unbuttoned her top, pulling it all off to reveal a white, lace bra underneath. Then she took off her sweatpants, revealing a rounded bottom encased in small, white panties with red flowers, below which were her long, beautiful legs. I swallowed hard, afraid of missing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to glimpse my cousin's most mysterious area. My cousin turned around, reached behind her back, unhooked her bra, and placed it in the laundry basket beside her... My cousin's flawless, white back was completely displayed before me... Why didn't she turn around? …My little brother was already rock hard… My cousin slipped her fingers along the edge of her underwear, slowly rolling them down her thigh… My brother was almost at his limit…

Just then, I suddenly heard my uncle cough!! Terrified, I rushed upstairs on tiptoe, my heart pounding. Peeking down, I saw it was coming from his room… Oh no! …I'm doomed! …I no longer had the courage to peek downstairs; there's always tomorrow!! But those underwear were ones I hadn't seen before; they were probably new ones he bought at home!? I went to steal some to study...

Half an hour later, after making sure no one was downstairs, I sneaked down again, went into the bathroom, and rummaged through the laundry basket for my cousin's underwear that she had just taken off... After searching for a while, a set of youthful accessories appeared before my eyes. I hurriedly brought it to my nose and smelled it. It was that familiar scent, the body odor that haunted my dreams and made my brother's eyes water. I stuffed the panties into my pocket and secretly ran upstairs. I entered, locked the door, and took out my underwear—a small white Triumph M-size panty with small red floral print. I removed my pajama bottoms and underwear, held the panty to my nose and inhaled, then lightly licked the remaining fluid from my cousin's genitals with the tip of my tongue, recalling everything I had just seen… A thick stream of fluid spurted from my penis. At my cousin's house, I had reached orgasm with her again and again… in my imagination.

Go knock on my cousin's door!! A wicked thought arose.

If one day I get lost in the wind, take me back to your embrace.

Because I know you are a child who worries easily,

so even when I fly, I dare not fly too far

—Chen Sheng.

I sneaked downstairs again, approached my cousin's room, and gently turned the doorknob—it wasn't locked!! I pushed open the door and saw my cousin wearing a pink nightgown, her blanket kicked off, revealing a bit of her stomach. I lovingly pulled the blanket back up to cover her, but unintentionally woke her up. "

Oh! Xiaoxiong! Why aren't you asleep yet? It's so late!" "

I...can't sleep,

what's wrong? Not used to sleeping in a different bed?"

Looking

at her tired face, I felt a pang of pity; my earlier desire had subsided considerably. "

Sis...

what's wrong?

Can I kiss you goodnight?" "

You're such a grown woman, still acting like this!

Please!"

Seeing her noncommittal expression, illuminated by the bedside lamp, and her flushed face from just waking up, she looked exceptionally shy and endearing...I couldn't resist leaning in for a kiss. My cousin, seeing I was serious, shyly turned her head away, and I kissed her cheek. "

Now you can go to sleep, right? You naughty boy, still acting like a baby even though you're all grown up!!"

My cousin made a shy face, and I laughed at my own silly behavior... Leaving my cousin's room, the feeling of fulfillment and excitement was completely different from masturbating.

Because of my joy, I bit my bedsheet and couldn't sleep all night until dawn...

——————————————————————————–

VI. The music ends, the person is gone, only green peaks remain on the river.

Give me that man. That is not passion's slave, and I will wear him in my heart's core, a, in my heart of heart, as I do thee.
— shakespeare, hamlet iii.ii.68-71

Give me a man who is not a slave to passion, and I will keep him deep in my heart, truly, in my heart of heart, as I cherish you.

The next day, I went to Lantan with my cousin, a place we used to frequent as children. Sandbars dotted the lake, the water shimmered, and occasionally egrets flew by. The scenery was just as beautiful as it had been back then; time seemed to stand still, or flow backward. Six-year-old me was walking with my older cousin, her little hand holding my even smaller one. I insisted on walking on the side closest to the road… “

Sister, you go inside, I’ll go outside.”

“No, it’s too dangerous to go outside with cars.

” “That’s why I’m going to go outside to protect you, sister!”

My cousin’s face showed a touched expression.

“What if a car comes? What about Xiao Xiong?

” “I can jump out of the way!” “Xiao Xiong knows kung fu, he’s not afraid of cars

…” In the end, my cousin went outside because she said she was the older sister.

…

What am I thinking about? My cousin’s question pulled me back to reality. The sunlight shone on her face, making her smile radiant.

“Nothing! Just thinking about some things from when I was little!”

When you were little, you were the naughtiest, but also the most affectionate towards your older sister.

Once, you fell into the pond while picking water lilies and were rescued. Later, you found out that you picked them for me...

I just said, "Water lily flowers are so pretty!!"

Who knew you would do that...

My cousin smiled, as if she had returned to those days of deep sibling affection, simple and happy.

Yes, I'd do anything for you… I thought I was merely attracted to your mature, feminine body, but now I realize that these feelings had been growing unknowingly in my heart since I was very young. The separation of time and space caused them to lie dormant for a while, but with our reunion… my frantic exploration of your body… I desperately wanted to know everything about you, to relive my understanding of you, to make up for the time I missed seeing you grow during our separation… When we broke up, you were a little girl; now you're a mature woman!! …Furthermore, fueled by desire, these feelings sprouted and spread in my heart… constantly gnawing at my soul. Only after this brief separation did I realize that you weren't just on my spying list, but held a much more important place in my heart… I can't even tell if my feelings for you are love or lust? Or perhaps both? Strolling along the long embankment, a gentle breeze ripples the still water. You walk ahead of me, the breeze ruffling your well -

fitting white shirt, revealing glimpses of your slender figure… But now, my feelings for you aren't lustful fantasies; rather, they are tenderness and gratitude, for someone who shared my childhood, who satisfied my sexual fantasies during my turbulent adolescence (though you don't know)… For you… I so wish this embankment would never end, that we could walk like this forever, life after life, eternally…

Sister, Uncle said a boy came to see you yesterday! Is he your boyfriend?

Oh… not really! He's my classmate, also from Chiayi, but he went to Taipei for high school.

When I first entered Taipei University, I was still quite unfamiliar with the city, and he enthusiastically ran errands for me...

(If you asked me, I'd do the same!!)

He's a nice guy, from the same hometown, and he took good care of me. (Me too!!)

A hint of jealousy began to grow in my heart, and the sweet feeling I had just felt was slowly fading.

So, you like him? (I hope not!!)

I don't know! Anyway, we get along quite well... (!!!!)

A wave of heartache washed over me, like a million ants gnawing at my heart... (She has a boyfriend?!?!?!?)...

Xiaoxiong, what about you? Do you have a girlfriend? Tell your sister, oh... (Of course not!!)

... I gave a bitter smile. (You're the only one in my heart!!)

Yes!!

What's your name? Can you tell me, sister?

My name is Chen Yunru!! (Really!!)... My cousin paused for a moment...

Haha... Don't try to take advantage of me, I'm telling you the truth, (It's true!!)

There is someone, but the time isn't right yet, I'll tell you later, (It's you!!)

Oh... If there isn't one, I'd like to introduce you! ?

m...

Jealousy spread rapidly in my heart, my heart was already burning with anger... I couldn't hear what my cousin was saying anymore... Only a series of questions echoed in my mind:

Why? ? ? Why! ? ? Why! ?

Behind the prosperity lies desolation,

behind passion lies nothingness,

life sways between attachment and enlightenment

—somebody

. I became more silent during dinner. I'm usually quiet anyway, so it's hard for others to tell from my appearance that a chemical change is happening inside me...

After eating, I watched some TV, took a shower, and then used a headache as an excuse to hide in my room. A wounded beast needs to find a place to heal! My cousin is on the phone; it's probably him calling! Seeing how happy she is, I felt a sharp pain in my heart... Why not me?! ... I quickly went upstairs, locked the door, and the tears I had held back all day finally flowed...

Lying in bed, I tossed and turned, thinking about the change in my feelings. Besides self-pity, there was also a trace of resentment in my heart.

(My cousin is mine!! No one can take her away.)

(She loves me the most, but she's just too afraid to say it!!)

(If I dare to confess to her, she'll give him up for me!!)

(If I can't win her love…)

A terrible thought is gradually taking shape… (I'll possess her first, then everything will be easy!!)

My rational self is gradually retreating, my emotional self has long since vanished; the beast within me is gradually awakening and reviving, urging me to take terrible actions…

(At least get her body first…)

(Didn't you want to do it last time??)

(Besides, she's about to become someone else's woman…)

The sound of the water heater downstairs seems to be tempting me… those youthful bodies in the bathroom!!

(Anyway, my aunt and the others go to bed early.)

(Given Ru's personality, she didn't dare to shout out loud.)

My heart was filled with lust, and I threw love and morality to the back of my mind. All I could think about was how to make my move...

I quietly descended the stairs. The bathroom light shone through the vent. Let me continue yesterday's great work! I lowered my head slightly, the light falling on my face. In the misty steam, a slender, youthful body came into view… My

cousin had removed all her restraints, and a figure like Venus was revealed before me… Ah!! The beautiful body I had longed for, the body that haunted my dreams!! …Vaguely visible in the steam…skin as white as snow, a face flushed with pleasure as the hot water washes over her, a few beads of sweat mingling with the water droplets, reflecting a rosy glow, radiantly beautiful…Next comes the graceful curve of her neck, shoulders…and down the cleavage are her high, pink breasts, so alluring…Ah! Those are my sister's breasts! I'm already familiar with how they look in all sorts of bras, but I never imagined they would be so beautiful and firm after being freed from their constraints. How wonderful it would be to suckle them!! …My hand was already inside my pants, comforting my brother who was a little teary-eyed from excitement… My hand traced down the beautiful curve of my abdomen, down to the slightly protruding belly, and further down was a grove of glistening black hair, guarding my most mysterious genitals… That was my private area!! …

My cousin lightly touched her private parts with her index finger, and I could vaguely see her pink moat. I felt my blood rushing to my head, a dizzying sensation, as if the body before me was just a dream, yet utterly different… I couldn't help but feel an urge to release the millions of sperm within me… Hot water gushed down, and she was oblivious, reveling in the comfort of washing her body and the pleasure of touching her private parts, probably unaware of the low panting of a wolf outside the door!

After washing, my cousin dried herself with a towel. She reached for a pair of pinkish-white underwear on the shelf, slipped one leg on, then the other, slowly pulling it up to cover her dark forest. But perhaps the material of these high-waisted thongs was too thin, and her pubic hair gradually released droplets of moisture, seemingly unwilling to be covered, slowly outlining a dark, blurry shape through the panties. My cousin tidied her hair, then turned around and took off her bra, putting it on from the front, adjusting the straps, and fastening the back clasp behind her back. At this moment, her breasts were already encased in the pink and white cups, but as if unwilling, they pushed the bra out in a beautiful arc… Then she put on her pajamas, slipped on her pajama pants, and exhaled. Ah! A door opened with a bang… A dark shadow crashed down on her…

Before she could even scream, I pushed her into the bathroom. I hugged her tightly and shoved her against the wall. Her eyes widened, looking at me with an incredulous, excessively frightened expression. I eagerly pressed my lips to her cherry lips… She seemed to suddenly remember something… and forcefully turned her mouth away, causing me to miss my target, only managing to kiss her cheek. Her face went from rosy to pale… and she began to struggle… “Xiao Xiong!! You can’t do this!!” she pleaded in a low voice, large tears welling up in her eyes. My left hand pressed against her breast, as if I could still feel the firm softness beneath her bra; my right hand began to pull down her pajama pants… “Xiao Xiong!! No!! I’m going to scream if you do this!!” At that moment, I was less like myself and more like a beast wanting to release its pent-up desires!!… My lips splattered across her face, mumbling indistinctly: “Ru! I like you, Ru!” "Give it to me!!" My hands roamed and tugged at her body... "No!! Please don't!" "Waaah!..." Large tears finally streamed down her face...

This cry was like a lightning bolt, striking my forehead. I involuntarily released her; in an instant, the overwhelming desire vanished... My heart was filled only with regret, remorse, and pain... It was as if I had returned to the time when I did something wrong as a child and made her cry... My cousin's eyes were red and she was sobbing, tears dripping down her cheeks... I couldn't help but kneel down...

Cousin!

Forgive me!!

…My cousin straightened her clothes, walked past me, covered her face, and rushed out the door…I, however, just knelt in the bathroom, unable to control myself for a long time, as if my soul had dissipated into the air, numb, staring blankly at the wall in a daze. A moment later, tears streamed down my face… "

Only because all phenomena combine to form this body

, arising

and ceasing are only the arising and ceasing of phenomena

"—Vimalakirti Sutra.

The next day, I said goodbye to my aunt, but didn't see my cousin. I heard she had gone out early in the morning. Of course, from my aunt's normal expression, I knew my cousin hadn't told her about last night. This made me even more uneasy. Helplessly, I could only leave, filled with regret…

On the platform, I was still fantasizing whether my cousin would come to see me off. After searching the platform twice, I boarded the train with a sense of helplessness and sadness… Reflecting on the past few days, the difference between my feelings upon arrival and departure was immense!… The whistle sounded, the train slowly glided along, and the scenery outside the window gradually accelerated past. I touched my pocket and was shocked to find my cousin's underwear… I cherished it, playing with it in my pocket… I felt a pang of sadness, as if something was stuck in my throat, but I couldn't spit it out.

…Before the train left the platform, I glanced at the station one last time, unwilling to give up…and spotted a woman's figure, vaguely familiar, gazing out from the opposite platform, but the light was too dim for me to see her face…Is it her?, I told myself…From the platform came Tsai Chin's low, husky voice…

…Love me again~~~~~~

My eyes began to moisten, and tears finally streamed down my face again…

——————————————————————————–

VII. Flowing

and among the dreams of the days that were,
I find my lost youth again.
And the strange and beautiful song.
— hwlongfellow

And when I wander back to those past dreams,
I find my lost youth again.
That strange and beautiful song.

After returning from my cousin's house, the next step was to go up Chenggongling. During that time, I tried to contact my cousin, but I couldn't reach her. I thought she was avoiding me. Not long after, I left home for Chenggongling. This was the first time in my life that I had traveled for such a long time. My parents came to the station to see me off. My mother's eyes were red, and I comforted her... but I felt pained by my cousin's absence (she has always been the one who loves me the most. If... she should have come to see me off). Thinking of the sadness, my eyes also became a little moist. When I

arrived at Chenggongling, it was just monotonous basic training. Every day was the same, and I had no hope or anything to rely on. I tried writing to her, one letter a day, but she only answered me with silence and did not reply. I gradually treated writing letters as a diary, telling her about my life, my feelings and thoughts every day, but she still did not reply. My fellow sufferers, thinking I'd found a hopeless girlfriend, urged me to give up; some even introduced me to girls, but I just smiled and continued writing in my diary. This was the first time I could so devoid of desire, so earnestly and purely spiritually, Platonically, long for a woman. All I yearned for was to return to that simple love I once had—call it familial love, call it romantic love, as long as I could face her, hear her soft whispers, see her every smile and frown, that was enough!! Really!! That was enough!!

Every night in my dreams, she would come, but before I could call her name, she would leave again. The bitterness of longing and the resentment of self-blame gnawed at me, leaving me weeping in the middle of the night. People often only realize the value of what they have after they've lost it. I regret learning this lesson at such a high price.

Coming down from Chenggongling, school started, and I became a freshman. I met my cousin again at home. She was still the same, but the look in our eyes lacked warmth; I felt she was avoiding me. Several times when we were alone, I felt the urge to confess my feelings, yet I feared reopening wounds that might have already healed. I hesitated, and she only eased my awkwardness with her usual smile. The smile remained, but I knew our relationship could never go back to what it was before… I felt my life's passion slowly draining away, and I became increasingly silent…

I couldn't bear to witness our affection wither, as it hurt both of us more and more. So, I decided to leave—move out of the house, move to the school dormitory, start my new life, and reorganize my feelings, if I could, if there were still feelings left…

Let's have a toast, what's the big deal? Why bother being surprised? You and I are just bound by the same fate.

The mournful guitar melody reminds me of my burning resentment. Why dwell on the past when it's gone forever?
— Yeh Chun-Lin As

I entered W University, I began the typical life of a freshman – welcoming new students, saying goodbye to old ones, outings and barbecues, parties and dances. Under the guise of colorful, busy, and curious days, I seemed to gradually forget my cousin… People are forgetful, aren't they!? Perhaps my infatuation with her was just a product of a fleeting moment?!

I reconnected with Xiao Jie; she often came to see me, and as time went on, I seemed to be treating her like a girlfriend. One day after dinner, she came to see me again, inviting me to enjoy the night view from Yangmingshan. Today she was wearing a black t-shirt and a blue skirt, which accentuated her petite yet graceful figure. I came out of my place, and she was standing gracefully beside my Wild Wolf 125 motorcycle, smiling sweetly at me. "

Get in!" I said coolly.

Xiao Jie obediently sat sideways, wrapping her arms around my waist. A fragrance wafted over, making my heart flutter. With a sudden stop, I felt Xiao Jie's soft breasts bump against my body...

Ah!! This tribute to youthful flesh!!... My heart fluttered, my blood gradually accelerated, and the beast within me, long dormant, began to stir restlessly...

When we reached the mountain, we found a spot with a good view overlooking Taipei. The dazzling lights outshone even the starry sky. I deliberately found a well-hidden spot and sat down with Xiao Jie. The wolf of the wilderness kept a close watch on its prey, waiting for the right moment to strike.

My right hand slowly slid towards Xiao Jie's chest, sliding down from the neckline of her t-shirt... touching the lace edge of her bra. I tested Xiao Jie's reaction, and her body, as if boneless, obediently leaned against my chest. I suppressed my doubts and wariness towards her, and boldly explored the secrets of her body…

By the moonlight, I glimpsed her bra through her neckline… It was a vibrant purple… This seductive color stimulated my senses. I played with the lace on her bra with my fingers, and this teasing stimulation seemed to make her heart race… My fingers then slipped inside her bra from the top edge, touching her soft, full breasts… This soft touch stimulated me, slowly arousing me… My fingers touched her nipples, and I slowly caressed and soothed them

… Ah!!… Ru!!… These must be your breasts!!

Xiao Jie closed her eyes tightly, her whole body trembling slightly. My right hand restlessly played with her small breasts, her breathing became rapid, and her body trembled uneasily… I gently caressed her thigh with my left hand, sliding it step by step towards the base of her thigh… At the base of her thigh, I touched a silk panty, feeling the lace, the openwork, and the mysterious garden within… I glanced down, and it was also a fiery purple… Openwork… The exposed black portion defiantly challenged my adrenaline… My fingers gently touched it, the soft protrusion reflecting a slight dampness… Soon… my fingers could feel the moisture seeping into her panties…

This was my first time caressing a girl; my palms were sweaty, my heart was racing, and my mouth was dry… I tried to imitate the scenes from adult books, afraid of hurting her with any roughness… My right hand gently pinched her nipple, while my left hand slipped lightly inside her panties, exploring her most mysterious clitoris. My fingers touched soft pubic hair, slightly damp… Xiao Jie's eyes were closed, seemingly somewhat intoxicated by my caresses; occasionally she frowned, as if I was hurting her… Her breathing became more and more rapid… accompanied by my heavy panting… My fingers probed into her mysterious valley… Ah!!… A strange sensation traveled from my fingertips, like an electric current coursing through my entire body, and a burning desire ignited within me… My breathing became more and more rapid… Xiao Jie's whole body trembled involuntarily. As I felt a moist, gurgling flow seeping from the canyon... a tingling sensation ran through my lower body...

Xiao Jie opened her eyes, the moonlight illuminating her lightly powdered face, her rosy cheeks, her dark eyes brimming with spring passion, and her fragrant, orchid-like aura... I couldn't help but slowly lower my head... She looked at me with a half-smile, and my mind went blank... I pressed my lips to her cherry lips, she turned around, wrapped her arms around my neck, and our lips met, a sweet saliva flowing from her mouth. My hands stopped provoking and exploring her body, and I hugged her tightly... We kissed passionately... Our bodies intertwined and twisted intimately... This was my first kiss!!

I couldn't help but close my eyes tightly, completely enjoying the primal desires of this body through touch. The stimulation of her tongue assaulted my brain wave after wave, my senses dominating my entire body, my mind a complete blank… The woman before me seemed to merge with the woman deeply etched in my memory… It was her!! It was her!!… I couldn’t help but cry out, “Ru

!! ”

Xiao Jie stopped as if electrocuted, quickly pulling her lips away. Immediately afterward, a sharp pain shot through my right cheek. Before I could fully comprehend what was happening, Xiao Jie abruptly stood up, breathing heavily. I saw her reddened palm and realized what had occurred. She gritted her teeth, tears welling in her eyes: “

I’m not your Ru!!

I’m Xiao Jie!!

Xiao Jie, I…” I tried to explain, but found myself unable to find a reason.

"Go find your Ruhao!!" Two tear tracks appeared on Xiaojie's face

. I...I...I didn't know how to explain...

Xiaojie turned and went down the mountain. I watched her figure grow further and further away...but I didn't know to get up and chase after her...Even if I caught up, what would it matter?!...I just sat there blankly, like a stone statue...My mind was blank, and I had no urge to cry. I only felt as if my body and soul had separated, drifting aimlessly...I don't know how much time had passed, but the bright moon was already obscured by dark clouds. I got up blankly, walked down the hill, got on my Wild Wolf 125, started the engine, and drove aimlessly, like a walking corpse.

Girl! My song is not yet finished, but my strings are broken;

— Feng Zhi. I sped down the mountain on my silkworm
, the wind whipping my face. I pondered the events that had just transpired, but my mind went blank… Dark clouds began to gather, and soon, large raindrops began to fall… A sudden pang of sorrow gripped my chest… I am a sinner!!… Hurting one woman and then hurting another… My thoughts raced, and the rain intensified… My vision blurred, unable to distinguish between tears and rain… I let the rain soak me, as if accepting punishment; yet also as if it could wash away my sins… Two distant lights grew larger and larger, dazzling me… My blurred vision couldn't discern the light… Were they messengers coming to guide me!?…

——————————————————————————–

Eight. Looking back at the desolate place

music, when Soft voices die.
Vibrates in the memory—odors
, when sweet violets sicken,
live within the sense they quicken…
and so they thoughts, when thou art gone,
love itself shall slumber on.
— pbshelley's

gentle voice fades into silence, music lingering in memory.
The sweet violets, after withering, leave a lingering fragrance on my sensitive sense of smell…
Similarly, after you vanished, my longing will forever slumber in the land of remembrance

. The light grew larger and larger, and my gaze became hazy. After a moment of dazzling dizziness, two familiar figures walked towards me… One was my cousin Ru; the other was Xiao Jie.

I must be dreaming!!… I saw them walking towards me, their faces beaming with smiles. My cousin had her usual gentle smile, while Xiao Jie's smile possessed a different kind of charm. When I looked closely, I saw that they were both naked. I seemed to see two perfectly sculpted goddess statues... The beauty was not carnal, but belonged to something beyond the mortal world, something that made you marvel and worship... If you have seen Michelangelo's Madonna holding Jesus, you can probably imagine what I saw. It was a beauty that one dared not look directly at, a beauty that made one feel as if looking directly at them would be a desecration. My heart was empty, devoid of any desire, only a little confused… My

cousin smiled at me, her cherry lips slightly parted:

Do you like me; or my body?…

I opened my mouth to answer, but Xiao Jie also spoke:

Do you like my body, or do you like me?

I began to fall into deep doubt. For my cousin, perhaps it was the attraction of her body that aroused long-dormant feelings, turning into infatuation with her. Undoubtedly, I liked her, but, was it lust or love, which was more important!?

As for Xiao Jie, her body also attracted me. Being with her was very relaxed and comfortable, without any moral burden. But, do I love her!?

I couldn't answer… I was speechless…

My cousin's smile gradually faded, and after a moment of silence, she slowly turned away. I hurriedly shouted:

Cousin!!

Ru!!

My cousin turned back to look at me, her eyes glistening with tears, on the verge of sobbing, her expression sorrowful—that was the look she had given me that night!! My heart ached terribly… that look I cherished, that I could never forget!!… I shouted:

Sister!! I love you!! My cousin didn't answer, and walked further and further away.

Little Jie, standing to the side, opened her large, beautiful eyes, trembled for a moment, then looked at me with a hint of confusion, and after a long, long time, two lines of tears streamed down her face. I felt a pang of pity and wanted to say something to her, but she turned away and slowly walked away. I felt a pang of heartache too…

Xiaojie!!

Don't go!!

Xiaojie turned back, and seeing her glistening eyes, brimming with tears, I felt as if I were back in the moment she slapped me. Her expression was exactly the same: anger, confusion, sadness, regret, and a hint of reluctance… This expression filled me with pain and self-reproach. I continued calling her name, but like my cousin, she walked further and further away…

Xiaojie!!

Do

n't go!!

The piercing pain brought tears to my eyes. I just kept calling out, but I didn't have the courage to chase after them. If it was just her, who else could I chase after? I couldn't help but kneel down, clutching my knees in anguish, tears streaming down my face… Suddenly, two elongated shadows slowly appeared on the ground. Had they returned?!… Overjoyed, I looked up, tears still in my eyes…

In that instant, I felt as if I had been struck by lightning, my whole body jolted… The bodies of the two goddesses remained, but their heads had been replaced by a male face…

It was my face!!

In the city of Shravasti, Yaj?āna, one morning, looked at his reflection in a mirror and loved the head in the

mirror— I slowly

regained consciousness amidst a mix of confusion and pain... (I'm awake! I'm awake!)... (Thank God!!)... (I can be discharged after a few more days of observation!)... (Finally awake!)... Soft sobs, children's noise, adults' voices, the sound of wheels, the beeping of the surveillance camera... then came the smell of medicine, musty smells, and all sorts of strange, mixed odors... finally... A familiar, faint, girlish fragrance... It's her!!

I struggled to open my aching eyes, and a pair of beautiful eyes blinked before me, long eyelashes, bright, sparkling eyes... It was my cousin, Ru!!...

I couldn't contain my joy and wanted to shout, but I found I couldn't. My mouth was so dry, and my whole body ached. When I looked down, I saw that my arms and legs were in casts. I subconsciously moved my legs, which sent a sharp pain through me… Ah!!… What happened to me!?

Xiaoxiong, you were in a car accident!!

You didn't even know?!

You and your bike plunged down the slope, thankfully you bounced out,

the bike fell to the bottom and was completely destroyed!!

You're lucky!! It's also thanks to the ancestors… My mother said slowly, her eyes filled with tears…

You were unconscious for a day, I didn't know if you would wake up?

I was so worried… Thankfully you woke up,

Xiaoru has been here with you the whole time!

Why were you riding so fast so late?! Father scolded you

! We'll scold him when you're discharged!! My cousin tried to smooth things over…

…

I couldn't hear what they said after that, I was a little confused, but also a little happy, thinking: (She's back!!) She's back!!)

I'm a playful and free-spirited kite, always making you worry.

If one day I get lost in the wind, how will I get back to you?

A playful and free-spirited kite, always playing in the sky.

If one day the string breaks, will you come back to find me?

If one day I get lost in the wind, take me back to your arms

—Chen Sheng. My kite

cousin just finished her school exams and has more time, while my parents have to go to work, so she volunteered to stay and look after me. I smiled, staring blankly at her. She lowered her head shyly. "

You scared everyone to death!!

If you hadn't woken up soon, my aunt and uncle would have collapsed!!"

She stopped smiling and lectured me with a slightly reproachful tone. I just smiled for a long, long time before finally speaking: "

You're back after all!!

What? What do you mean, back? I've been here watching our little master!!

Did he fall and become an idiot?!"

I just smiled... enjoying the tranquility and warmth after the rain...

Why can I only smile? Have I really become an idiot?? My cousin is teasing me...

Cousin

?

Me...

What?

I'm sorry!!

…

My cousin lowered her head, remaining silent for a while before softly saying, “

Actually, I received your letter ,

and I don’t blame you.

It’s just that Xiaoxiong has grown up; he’s no longer the little brother who used to follow me around.

He has his own world, feelings, and…

desires .

I don’t blame you. In my heart, I still see you as someone who played a mischievous prank when we were little, making me angry and causing me to cry.

I hope it really was just a prank by Xiaoxiong

, and that he won’t do it again…

that way…it’s better for everyone…

after all, you’re the younger brother, and I’m the older sister!”

I looked at my cousin with gratitude, accepting her new relationship with a mix of joy and sadness… I secretly vowed in my heart that I would never do anything to hurt her again… I would protect her, cherish her, and remain faithful to her until death… My cousin smiled radiantly, and I repeated my vow in my heart…

Little did I know that not long after, I would fall into the vortex of lust with her again, and break that vow with my own hands…

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