Divorced woman's account

People say, celebrities say, great men say, "Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live." Yet, seeing so many people around me living without love, devoid of affection, relying on sisterly love, the love of friends, or stealing love from other people's husbands and wives, even relying on watching TV dramas every night to maintain the existence of life, letting the days slip away one by one. These fleeting days are both slow and rapid, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet utterly wasted. By the age of forty, one's mind finally settles into tranquility, unperturbed by anything, indifferent to the world, whether one loves or not, whether one loves or not, whether the stolen affection remains or not.

Dipo's face cannot be described as beautiful, nor can it be described as elegant, but it has a particularly lively quality; her eyes are expressive, and her voice is very pleasant. Dibo has long, wavy hair with a few strands dyed blonde. She usually wears it casually tied back, and from behind, the flowing hair exudes a unique feminine charm. She likes to wear ankle boots, long skirts, and colorful cropped sweaters, and in winter, she always wears a cashmere coat. She carries an enormous, dark leather backpack wherever she goes. Seeing her, you might imagine that this vibrant woman must have many dramatic stories in her love life. But Dibo says she has no story, because she's divorced, and her husband abandoned her.

Suddenly, while crying, she shouted, "Jiang Zhe! You bastard!" "

I've been divorced for six years. I live with my daughter now; she attends school and lives there, coming home every weekend." It's truly unbelievable. All my friends were baffled by my divorce. They felt that a woman like me, with a respectable job, impeccable taste in clothing, and a flirtatious lifestyle, could be both a social icon and a burden-free family member. It seemed inconceivable that a woman of my taste, independence, knowledge, and self-reliance would be abandoned.

And it's true, back in university, my ex-husband Jiang Zhe was in our class. The madness with which he pursued me back then is still a topic of conversation at our class reunions. Look at me now, I've picked up those reckless habits typical of women in cultural circles. Actually, in university, I was a cool beauty, quite ladylike. My ex-husband said pursuing me was incredibly difficult. He gave me over two hundred hints but couldn't get it, I was so anxious! Because he was so hard to pursue, it only fueled his determination.

How did we eventually come out? It seems like it was already our senior year, everyone was anxiously contacting employers, but back then the school still assigned jobs, and finding work wasn't as difficult for college students as it is now. Jiang Zhe was the kind of person who was quiet and reserved, the kind who liked you but wouldn't say it, silently protecting you. For example, during those years of college, whenever I went to the library, Jiang Zhe would be there too, always sitting somewhere not too far away, staring at me with deep affection, which annoyed me a lot. I often gave him the cold shoulder, sometimes even giving him a cold look or saying something sarcastic in public, but he never argued back, just kept going. Eventually, I got used to it. Jiang Zhe has been quietly pursuing me all these years in college, without making a sound, but I can always sense what he does for me. Actually, I've long accepted his infatuation, but I hate how clingy he is, always having feelings for me without saying them. It's this clinginess that makes me inexplicably angry with him. I tease him, give him the cold shoulder, embarrass him in public, just to provoke him, to stop his roundabout ways and give him a direct attack, just once. But how can I say it out loud? I just watch him fumble around like a blind man trying to describe something.

One day, I went to the library to look up some information and found he wasn't there. I felt a little disappointed, but I didn't want to show it, so I pretended to be busy looking up something, going in and out of the library. But my eyes kept wandering to the empty seat next to me. Just then, Jiang Zhe came in, making quite a commotion, unlike his usual quiet manner. I naturally acted as if I hadn't noticed him at all, keeping my head down and randomly flipping through the books in front of me. Later, I realized that there seemed to be someone standing in front of my desk. I looked up and saw Jiang Zhe. He seemed to have been drinking that day; his face was flushed. It was the first time he had stared at me so brazenly. I quickly looked around, but thankfully everyone in the lobby seemed to be busy with their own things and no one noticed us. I turned around and said irritably, "What?" Jiang Zhe suddenly grabbed my arm and almost lifted me up, saying, "Come on, get out!" I struggled a couple of times, but he held on even tighter. I was dragged and pulled out of the library. Then I was pinned against the wall in the hallway, Jiang Zhe pressed against me and said, "Make love with me!" I shook off his hand, rubbing my arm and saying, "What?! You're hurting me!" He said again, "Make love with me!"

I felt a surge of excitement, thinking that this big, meaty guy was finally launching his full-on assault. Just then, I suddenly noticed something. I vaguely heard bursts of suppressed laughter behind him, and several boys peeking in from the corner. One of the boys seemed to have been pushed out in the jostling, quickly retreating, followed by another burst of suppressed, chaotic laughter. Suddenly, a nameless rage surged within me. What "all-out assault"? This drunken guy had clearly made some kind of bet with those guys. I slapped him across the face, yelling, "Bastard!" Then I shoved him hard. He slumped weakly against the wall across the hallway, his head drooping. I ran back to my dorm and collapsed onto my bed, sobbing. While crying, I suddenly shouted, "Jiang Zhe, you bastard!"

I knew then, I had fallen in love with him, even though my confession had been so ridiculous. Later, I found out that the eight guys had been drinking together that day, and naturally, the conversation had turned to women. Later, a boy in our class, Zhu Jun, insulted Jiang Zhe, calling him the biggest fool and a complete loser in the world, saying he had no idea how to pursue women and would be a bachelor for life. He even said that if it were him, he could easily win over a woman like me. Then, they started teasing him, betting that if Jiang Zhe confessed to me that day, they would each lose 50 yuan. Jiang Zhe probably felt too embarrassed that day, and after drinking quite a bit, he became emboldened and led those boys to the library. And then, the scene I described earlier happened.

After graduation, I married Jiang Zhe, and later we had our daughter, Qinqin. Jiang Zhe wasn't good at expressing himself, but he was very capable at home. At that time, I went to work at a publishing house, and he went to work at a pictorial magazine, but we were both editors. In those years, the publishing industry was being impacted by individual booksellers, and publishing houses were undergoing a transformation, beginning to pay attention to the market and implementing some incentive measures. At that time, I was constantly thinking about how to land a bestseller. I read many newspapers and magazines every day, hoping to find publishing clues.

Finally, one day, I saw an article in a newspaper about a figure who had become incredibly famous during the Cultural Revolution. Because he was heavily relied upon by the "Gang of Four," he had been under investigation after the Gang of Four's downfall. Now, he had just regained his freedom, found a small job, and was preparing to live a normal life. I was immediately captivated. A person who had risen to prominence at the political peak, a once-powerful figure, had suddenly... He became a prisoner, and in his later years he had to endure loneliness, social neglect, and financial hardship. Such a tumultuous life, with its dramatic ups and downs, could easily become a bestseller, given his notoriety during the Cultural Revolution and his current situation. I immediately contacted the newspaper, found the reporter, and got the address of this former "red" figure.

The next day I went straight to his house, but after knocking for a long time, only a woman answered from inside. She wouldn't open the door, so I explained my purpose through the door. The woman said they were now ordinary workers and didn't want to be public figures anymore, and didn't want to be interviewed. The previous report had already caused a lot of trouble, and she didn't want to deal with the media again. I told her I wasn't from the media and that it would be better if we talked face-to-face. The woman inside paused for a moment and then said, "Forget it! We're sorry, we really don't want to appear in public anymore. Besides, his health isn't very good right now. We're sorry, please understand!" Since she'd said that much, I didn't know what else to say, but I really didn't want to give up such a good story.

I sat on her doorstep and waited to see if they would come out. I waited until 9 pm, but they didn't come out, so I went home. I was hungry and cold. Jiang Zhe and the children had already finished eating, and he was discussing math problems with them. When I came in, Jiang Zhe said the food was in the kitchen and went to heat it up for me. I put down my bag and ate while thinking about how to persuade that influential person again. Chiang Che sat at the table for a while, but seeing that I didn't look up and just kept eating, ignoring him, I heard him sigh and go back to the children's room.

That night, lying in bed, Jiang Zhe told me that Qinqin's stomach hadn't been feeling well lately, probably because she wasn't used to the school food, and asked if we should think of a solution. He also mentioned that at the parent-teacher meeting yesterday, the teacher said Qinqin's math had slipped significantly recently and that parents should intervene. At that moment, my mind was filled with thoughts of how to handle this topic. I didn't say anything to Jiang Zhe. Later, Jiang Zhe's hand slipped under the covers and touched my breasts. Every time he wanted to have sex with me, he wouldn't say anything, just touching me like that. Even during sex, he was very careful, always watching my expression. I grew up in a very traditional family and never really understood sex. The only time I'd ever been intimate was with Jiang Zhe, who always treated me like a goddess. He was always very cautious during sex, never doing anything out of line. I don't think I've ever really let my emotions run wild. We've always been so proper and reserved. So, the descriptions of women's sensations during sex in books published in society—the tingling, the feeling of weakness, the heat—don't seem to resonate with me as much. Jiang Zhe is always hesitant in his movements. Several times, I felt that at the moment of penetration, he would straighten up, hold my legs, as if he really wanted to open them to see how he was penetrating me. Every time, I felt that this action was particularly indecent and lewd, and I would desperately try to keep my legs from seeing. Each time, he would give up when he saw me doing that.

That night, I was completely devoid of emotion. I mechanically pushed his hand away, then turned my back to him and rolled over. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then leaned closer again, forming a zigzag shape to fit my sleeping position, pressing his entire body against mine. His hand reached under my armpit, grasping my breast again and gently kneading it. His lower body rubbed against me from behind, but I didn't move.

After a while, I asked Jiang Zhe, "Do you think that old guy will agree to publish the book?" Jiang Zhe suddenly stopped moving, then abruptly pulled his hand away, rolled over, and mumbled, "I don't know!" I turned around, leaned on his shoulder, and said, "What's wrong? Why don't you care about me?" Jiang Zhe didn't say anything, but gently pushed my hand away slightly and said, "Go to sleep!" Then he fell silent again. The next morning, I went to their house again. They finally came out around 4 pm. I hurriedly greeted them, saying I apologized for disturbing them the day before and that I had only come to say thank you. They seemed embarrassed by my words. They

even invited me into their home. From then on, I didn't mention the book anymore, but I continued to visit them frequently. I helped them with job hunting and resolved their living difficulties. At that time, their neighborhood was slated for demolition. They lived in a private house, which had been classified as public housing during the Cultural Revolution, making some policies difficult to implement during the demolition process. I helped them find friends to pull strings, and finally, a demolition compensation plan was reached according to their requirements. Later, it was they who proposed and agreed to publish the book. I immediately recommended a writer to them, having them dictate the story. The writer adapted and transcribed it into a written form. Frankly, this was probably the most brilliant achievement in my career as a publishing editor. Because after the book was published, it immediately topped bestseller lists everywhere. My reputation in the publishing industry soared; everyone mentioned me as someone who wrote bestsellers. During that period, I was incredibly busy and excited. To promote the book, the publisher arranged for me and that former political figure to go from province to province for launch events, signing copies and selling books. I was practically never home during that time. I was so grateful for Chiang Che; otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to travel so much every day! I knew that this book could be considered a stepping stone in my career.

Dibo's expression stiffened a little as he said this. Then he stood up, said he would make some more tea, and carried the pot into the kitchen. A while later, she came out of the kitchen, and I saw that her eyes were red. She had obviously been crying in the kitchen. She smiled at me, trying to hide it, and said, "Have some tea! Have some tea!!"

"I'm not going! To hell with the launch!"

I was busy with my book, and every time I came back from out of town, I would excitedly tell Jiang Zhe about it. Jiang Zhe would listen without saying a word, and I would often talk to myself for a while, seeing that he didn't react. I would even yell angrily, "I'm talking to you, don't you hear me?!" Jiang Zhe would say, "I'm listening! Go on, go on!" That night, as we slept in bed, I suddenly realized that since the last time I rejected him, he seemed to have never taken the initiative again. I wondered if it was because I didn't want to, he was afraid. He always acted according to my mood. This was probably no exception; I thought I shouldn't ignore him too much. I took the initiative to touch him. In the past, he would have been very happy, although such moments are not frequent. But that day, he didn't turn his head, but reached out and patted my waist, saying, "Rest, rest!" I felt a surge of gratitude at that moment, thinking that Chiang Che was truly considerate.

And so, one time, it was probably right after I came back from Jinan. As soon as I entered the house, I saw he had prepared a table full of food. I washed my hands, sat down, picked up my chopsticks, and started eating. I casually asked, "Have you eaten?" Jiang Zhe took a while to answer, "Qinqin went to her grandma's house today." I asked, "Why?" Jiang Zhe suddenly said to me in a very serious and solemn tone, "I want a divorce!!" I said, "What?" His answer was still so serious and solemn: "I want a divorce!" You know how I felt at that moment. I was speechless. I was completely dumbfounded. I never imagined that Jiang Zhe would want a divorce. I put down my chopsticks and asked him directly, "What's wrong with you? Aren't we doing fine?" At that moment, Jiang Zhe truly became a Jiang Zhe I didn't recognize.

Without hesitation, he quickly retorted, "Do you really think you're doing well?" Then, without letting me say another word, he launched into a tirade: "Xiao Bo! You're great, but do you know what? Living with you is exhausting. Not physically—I'm married, and I'm not afraid of being tired from housework; it's a responsibility of marriage, something I should do. I'm talking about emotional exhaustion. We've been married for so many years, and you've never considered my feelings. Your entire life, whatever you want to do, revolves around you. You always expect me to accommodate you, as if everything I do is my duty. Xiao Bo, I'm so tired of always accommodating you! I know how you'll react to this, whether you react or not, I don't care anymore. I just want a divorce."

The author and I were supposed to go to Sichuan the next day, but I immediately called them to tell them I couldn't go this time. Guan Jin from our room immediately got anxious and said, "You arranged all the activities there yourself. If you don't go, we won't know the arrangements, we won't know who to contact, how can that work!" I don't know why, but before Guan Jin could finish speaking, I shouted into the phone, my voice trembling with tears, "I'm not going! To hell with the launch event!" and then slammed the phone down.

After hanging up, I felt completely lost. I didn't know what to do. Later, I took out my phone and called Zhu Jun, who was also our classmate and had a good relationship with Jiang Zhe. He was the one who started the conversation at school when Jiang Zhe confessed his feelings to me. As soon as Zhu Jun answered the phone, he said, "Did Jiang Zhe say anything?" I said, "He didn't say anything, he just wants a divorce." Zhu Jun was silent for a long time on the other end of the phone, then said, "Come over!" So I went, and only after Zhu Jun told me did I find out what had happened. Just as I was busily developing the book market and looking for topics, Jiang Zhe and Qin Ruyun, the junior editor in their department, got together. Qin Ruyun was called an editor, but she was actually a cleaning lady from Sichuan who had been recruited by their department. She just worked very diligently. Gradually, in addition to cleaning, she also took on some editorial work, and being called an editor meant things like sending and receiving manuscripts. Because they were a pictorial magazine, the main work of the editor was done by the magazine's art editors. The girl wasn't very educated, at least seven or eight years younger than Jiang Zhe, and according to Zhu Jun, she wasn't particularly pretty. I was stunned. It took me a while to recover. I asked Zhu Jun, "Isn't that girl just taking advantage of her young age?"

Zhu Jun said, "We've been classmates for many years. I'm telling you, Jiang Zhe really didn't choose her because of her age."

I said, "Then what did he see in her?"

Zhu Jun said, "She's hot! She's sexy! She's considerate of men. She makes men feel like men. In other words, she gives them confidence. Men aren't tired when they're with her—you haven't given them any of that. Honestly, when Jiang Zhe told me about this over a year ago, I understood him perfectly, and I've been covering for him. It's not that I'm a bad person! Don't let my bluntness fool you; I'm not a bad person at heart. But in your marriage with Jiang Zhe, I feel especially sorry for him. Back in school, Jiang Zhe truly saw you as a goddess. On the night of your wedding, he told me that winning you over was the greatest honor of his life. But marriage is about daily life, the pots and pans, and all the time..." He treated you like a goddess, living your life on your behalf. You were so cold, so aloof, refusing to do even the most mundane household chores; Jiang Zhe was simply too exhausted to handle it. Qin Ruyun wasn't very educated, and sometimes her words were quite vulgar, but she absolutely made men the focus, the center of attention. To be honest, Jiang Zhe and I have been best friends for so many years, and he's told me more than once that in bed, Qin Ruyun's seductive charm and passion gave him a satisfaction he'd never experienced before. I interrupted him, "Stop talking..."

I don't know how I left Zhu Jun; I must have looked terrible, completely lost, like my whole life had collapsed. At that moment, I felt that the bestselling book I'd written, which had made it onto the bestseller list, was nothing but a pointless "making trouble out of nothing." I thought I'd just keep wandering the streets. Around 4 PM, I collapsed onto the curb, ignoring the astonished stares of passersby as a well-dressed woman sat there, tears streaming down my face. Then, I stood up and decided to find Qin Ruyun. I really wanted to see what kind of person she was, to have kidnapped someone as loyal and honest as Jiang Zhe.

Forgetting to hail a taxi, I ran and walked, arriving at Jiang Zhe's office in about two hours. It seemed like it was already after work hours; the whole building was dark. But Jiang Zhe's office on the second floor was lit. I ran up to the door. Suddenly, I heard Jiang Zhe burst into a particularly hearty laugh. To be honest, in all these years of marriage, this was the first time I'd ever heard Jiang Zhe laugh so unrestrainedly. Without thinking, I pushed open the door and went in. I saw Jiang Zhe sitting there, leaning against a woman's chest. The woman was sitting on the table, her arms wrapped around his neck from behind, talking to him with her head down. Jiang Zhe's laughter must have been triggered by something she said. They both looked relaxed and happy. Hearing

the door open, they both jerked their heads up and froze. Standing at the doorway, I vaguely felt Jiang Zhe suddenly sit up straight, his arms outstretched as if to protect the woman. This action broke my heart. I didn't care about any of that and snapped at Jiang Zhe, "I'm not talking to you!" Then I pointed at the woman and said, "You! Come here!" Jiang Zhe immediately stood up, turned around, and hugged the woman, whispering, "Don't go over there, don't be afraid! I'll handle this!" The woman was Qin Ruyun. She was a typical Sichuan girl—not exactly beautiful, but the kind of woman who knew how to pamper and coax men. But she wasn't the naive country girl I'd imagined. Not only was she not afraid, she pushed Jiang Zhe's hand away and said, "Don't worry, I'll talk to her. You go first!" Then she walked straight to me. Her calm demeanor left me momentarily speechless.

You know, I lost that conversation terribly. After watching Jiang Zhe slink away between the two of us women, Qin Ruyun generously pointed to a chair and said, "Sit down!" I was completely deflated by then, and just mechanically followed her invitation to sit down. Once we started talking, I realized that I was no match for her at all. She sometimes advised, sometimes threatened, and sometimes cried. In short, she wanted me to let Jiang Zhe go, saying that she could give him happiness. At that time, I was completely in a passive position. I only remember the most hurtful thing she said: "Sister, you're educated, but you don't understand men. You don't know what men like." The way Qin Ruyun looked at me and the things she said were the most serious wounds I'd ever suffered in my life. These wounds have stayed with me ever since, like a coat you have to wear all the time, but can never truly clean. This stained coat, exposed in broad daylight, made me feel ashamed and humiliated. The confidence I had built up in the first half of my life was shattered. You know, during those days, I was immersed in an abyss of self-blame every day. I was afraid to see anyone, so insecure that I was convinced I couldn't do anything right. It felt like I was constantly apologizing. Late at night, I even felt that my very existence was a disgrace.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and went through with the divorce proceedings with Jiang Zhe. But during those days, I suddenly craved family affection. I finally thought, I've lost everything, but I can't lose family. Without family support, I might live a life worse than a dog. I proposed that the divorce be okay, but my daughter should stay with me. Actually, for so many years, I've been busy with my own things all day long, and Jiang Zhe basically raised my daughter. Qinqin is also closest to her father. During those days, Qinqin was like a lifeline in my life, so I persuaded her... well, how to put it! It was Jiang Zhe who persuaded Qinqin to stay with me. Regarding the divorce, Jiang Zhe always felt he had wronged me. I know he must have been reluctant to part with Qinqin, but he was trying his best to meet my demands. Less than a year after the divorce, Jiang Zhe married Qin Ruyun, and they are doing well now, with a son.

I was 38 when I got divorced, a particularly awkward age for a woman. I rearranged the room, and when only Qinqin was home, I would cook a proper meal. If Qinqin went to her grandmother's or father's house, I didn't even feel like cooking for myself. I didn't want to eat at home, nor did I want to eat out alone. I would just sit on the sofa, reading the newspaper and eating random snacks, and the night would pass. Before the divorce, I had no inhibitions about who I associated with, and I talked to anyone I wanted. I told all sorts of dirty jokes to office colleagues and friends without any restraint. I used to travel without a care in the world, but things changed after the divorce. When dealing with men, you might not even notice anything amiss, but they've already got their own ideas. You have to be extra careful at the dinner table and when talking to colleagues, lest misunderstandings arise. And I keep encountering situations where I feel wronged and aggrieved. That's when I realized that society still discriminates against divorced women. Plus, things that didn't seem like a big deal before now feel incredibly unfair. My heart has become sensitive and fragile, and I've even lost the courage to socialize. As soon as I get off work, I just want to lock myself in my house.

My parents were heartbroken to see me like this, so they asked relatives and friends to introduce me to potential partners. They were shocked by what they found – the men they introduced were either very old, around 50 years old. They were either riddled with quirks or utterly hideous. Every time I met them, I felt terrible for a long time afterward. At those times, Jiang Zhe's kindness towards me would surface vividly in my memory. Jiang Zhe always gave me a warm feeling; without him, seeing this group of guys made my heart feel particularly cold. My parents sighed constantly seeing this. They were right; men over 40 through introductions were definitely not going to be good. Later, I refused to meet them anymore. I decided to stay home and raise my daughter alone.

What happened next... it seems like a year passed. One day, Zhu Jun called me, saying he had invited some classmates and business friends from out of town who had come to Beijing to make a living, and wanted me to come. Ever since our last conversation, Zhu Jun had felt guilty for keeping Jiang Zhe's secret from me for so long. In the year since our divorce, he had called me frequently, always asking me to come if anything happened. I knew he meant well, but things had come to this point, so what could I possibly argue with Zhu Jun about? When he called me, I was silent for a moment, and Zhu Jun knew what I was worried about, so he immediately said, "Jiang Zhe isn't coming."

That night, Zhu Jun arranged to meet me at a very famous bar in eastern Beijing. I call it a bar because it was a huge place, and always so dark and gloomy. My classmates Zhu Jun and I had been here a few times before, and the atmosphere suited my mood; at least I didn't feel too uncomfortable inside. That day, there seemed to be a lot of people; everyone was packed together. Zhu Jun first introduced a CEO of some Taiwanese company named Wu Haoge, saying that he was treating everyone that night. He was new to Beijing and wanted to make more friends. I saw that he was chubby, but didn't have a beer belly, and wore a high-end suit. He always had a humble smile on his face. Later, we played a drinking game that Mr. Wu had introduced me to, a game often played by young Taiwanese people called "Truth or Dare." It involves playing rock-paper-scissors to determine a winner, and then everyone asks the loser: "Truth or Dare?" If you choose the "big adventure," they'll make you do something incredibly embarrassing, something you'd never dare to do normally. If you choose to tell the truth, they'll ask you a very private question and you have to answer truthfully. If you can't do it or can't say it, you'll be punished by drinking. This game was pretty exciting, and we had a blast playing it that night, yelling and screaming.

When it was my turn that day, I don't know why, but I impulsively chose "The Great Adventure." As soon as I made the choice, all my close friends cheered excitedly. They thought it was really exciting to see someone as rational as me choose "The Great Adventure." Zhu Jun whispered to the others with a wicked grin, and then said, "Show Mr. Wu your bra." My face turned red instantly. If I heard someone say something so vulgar, I would definitely think it was too low-class. But for some reason, I had a feeling that day that I wanted to let myself go. I didn't object and stood up to Mr. Wu. I bent down, unbuttoned one button, then another, and unbuttoned three buttons in total. My breasts, covered by a flesh-colored bra, were exposed in front of Mr. Wu. The whole scene was in chaos. All the other young people in the group were looking in our direction. Wu Haoge waved his hands sheepishly, saying repeatedly, somewhat at a loss, "It's okay! It's okay!"

At that moment, I suddenly felt a surge of exhilaration. I later thought it was probably because Jiang Zhe left me because he thought I was a "cold beauty," and told Zhu Jun that Qin Ruyun was incredibly seductive, giving Jiang Zhe a sexual thrill he had never experienced before, which stimulated me. I felt a kind of pleasure of being a bad woman at that moment, a feeling of revenge on myself and others. That night, I lost many times, drank a lot of alcohol, and definitely made a fool of myself quite a bit. Because I was almost uncontrollably unbuttoning my clothes and babbling incoherently, everyone probably noticed something was wrong and asked Zhu Jun to stop me. Zhu Jun came over, hugged me, and buttoned my clothes up for me. He buttoned them up one by one, comforting me as he did so, saying, "Okay! Okay!" I just grinned at him like an idiot. He patted my face and complained in my ear, "If you had done this earlier, would Jiang Zhe have left you?" Well! His words were like a door opening; I suddenly stopped moving, then threw myself onto the large coffee table and burst into tears. Everyone was stunned by my crazy behavior. We just stood there, looking at each other, not knowing what to say. Looking back, I think the scene must have been incredibly awkward. Zhu Jun said to everyone, "Should I take her home first?" At this moment, Wu Haoge stood up and said humbly, "Mr. Zhu, it's more appropriate for you to stay here. You brought all these people with you."

I don't know why I was so heartbroken at that time. Maybe it was a pent-up resentment that had been building up inside me since the divorce, which I hadn't been able to vent until that day, fueled by alcohol, it all came out. I sat in Mr. Wu's car, and I kept crying! Crying! Mr. Wu seemed a little lost while driving, and several times he cautiously asked for directions to my house. Each time I pointed, I would cover my face and sob again. Later, Mr. Wu and I went into the house. He helped me to bed, and then he just sat quietly and caringly beside me, without saying a word. Later, I calmed down and said to Mr. Wu, "I'm sorry!" Mr. Wu kindly replied, "It's okay! Everyone has moments like that." In that instant, hearing his soft Taiwanese-accented Mandarin, a warm feeling enveloped me. For the first time in so many days, my fear and anxiety subsided. I wanted that feeling to belong to me forever.

Perhaps it was because I was too lonely, or perhaps it was because I wanted to hold onto that warmth so much. That warmth hadn't returned since Chiang Che's departure, except for the day Mr. Wu took me home drunk. I cherished that feeling so much; because of that feeling, I fell in love with Mr. Wu. Those were truly a period of rebirth. Mr. Wu and I were enjoying a blissful time together. He and Jiang Zhe were similar in temperament—both exceptionally humble and warm—but Wu Haoge could arouse my boundless passion in bed. Our lovemaking was like a dragon playing with a phoenix; we were always so engrossed. Seeing Haoge's expression of extreme pleasure, I realized I had truly wronged Jiang Zhe before. Perhaps people are more forgiving when they're happy. During that time, I even stopped hating Jiang Zhe and felt a little sorry for him.

Nourished by love, I rediscovered my passion for publishing. This time, I tackled several topics simultaneously, working like a happy little bee every day. During those days, Zhu Jun would always tease me, saying, "You're alive again!" This happiness didn't last long. Hauge had become a regular at our house by then. He often stayed overnight, and I even gave him a key, telling him he could come anytime. I had already decided in my heart that he was the one I would remarry.

It all happened very simply. That day, we were shopping together at the mall. Just as we were about to swipe our cards, his phone rang. He was busy answering the call, so he handed me his wallet, gesturing for me to swipe it for him. The moment I opened the wallet, I saw a family photo of him and his wife—it had to be his wife, because there were three children of varying heights standing side-by-side in front of them, the tallest looking about eleven or twelve years old. They looked like any other happy family. Everyone in the photo was smiling so happily. That night, Hauge and I had a huge fight. I called him a liar, saying he had a wife and was having an affair. Hauge looked aggrieved and told me he wasn't lying. He said I had never asked him if he was married. I said, "Didn't you say you were 36? Younger than me! How come you already have three children?" Hauge said, "I am 36, and I have three children. In Taiwan, it's normal to have three children at that age!" Then he professed his loyalty, saying he truly loved me! He even said that if we were happy together, what did it matter if we were married?

You know, my family was broken up by a third party. I know how much emotional damage I suffered because of that third party. Now, to be the third party myself—isn't that a huge irony? My conscience, the hurt I suffered, forbids me from becoming a third party. Having gone through those things, I could never be one. From my faith, my dignity, my conscience, and my feelings, I cannot tolerate being that third party. From now on, I cannot be with Wu Haoge, because whenever I am with him, the image of that gentle and kind woman in his family photo immediately flashes into my mind. I cannot let her suffer the same kind of hurt I experienced. Moreover, that hurt came from myself; it is truly unbearable.

There was a vague, ambiguous feeling in my heart, but that's where it ends. Leaving Wu Haoge, my heart truly turned cold and stiff. There's nothing worse than a dead heart. Let me read you a passage from my diary from that time, and you'll understand: "People say, celebrities say, great men say, 'Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live.' Yet, seeing so many people around me living without love, without romantic love, relying on sisterly love, on the love of friends, or on stealing a little love from other people's husbands and wives, or even on watching TV dramas every night to maintain the existence of life, letting the days slip away one by one." These fleeting days, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet ultimately wasted. Reaching middle age, the heart finally finds peace, unperturbed by anything, indifferent to the world. Love is love, sisters are love, friends are love. Whether love ends or not, the stolen affections may or may not remain. The hormones within abandon us at this point, leaving behind a tranquil, desireless state of mind. Some tell me this is what it means to be free from confusion, but in truth, confusion is futile; this is simply how it is. "

But my heart is dead, though my body is not. Although I had just passed middle age, the fire within me was still difficult to extinguish." Especially in the dead of night, my whole body felt like it was enveloped in a torrent of molten lava, churning and flowing inside, unable to find an outlet. I'd toss and turn in bed, the blanket tucked between my legs. Looking in the mirror in the morning, my eyes were swollen, my lips cracked and slightly parted. Sometimes I'd jokingly ask myself, "Won't the lava burst out of my nostrils?"

During those days, I had to consciously control myself every day. To distract myself, I created many things for myself, one of which was to start taking meticulous care of my daughter. But Qinqin was going through a rebellious phase then, and since I hadn't cared for her much before, I often couldn't figure out her likes and needs. The food I bought from the supermarket was always what she disliked the most. My daughter's constant concern and attempts to do everything for me are driving me crazy. Because I don't understand her feelings, the more impatient she gets, the more aggrieved I feel. I don't know why, but I always have these sudden outbursts of anger, followed by crying and nagging. At first, my daughter was stunned by this and kept quiet, but she became very distant from me, always saying she wanted to go to her father's. Later, when I lost my temper again, she packed her things without a word, slammed the door, and left. Then came the phone call from Jiang Zhe, telling me that Qinqin had gone to his place and asking if I could stay for a few days. Hearing this, I didn't know what to say.

Later, one night, I was alone in my room, browsing the internet. I read an article about "false relationships." My heart skipped a beat. I thought, I can't keep torturing myself like this. At my age, if I'm in a relationship with any man, I'll only ever be the other woman. I can't accept being the other woman. Can't I find a purely sexual partner? Thinking this, I boldly entered a chat room.

After a few rounds, I found a target. I'd never chatted online much before, thinking I had too many acquaintances to talk to, so what was the point of talking to strangers? Now I realized how easy it is to meet someone online. Later, I thought, no matter how well we get to know each other online, we're still strangers. Inviting them to my home is too risky. I suggested we meet at a hotel, preferably during the day, since he seemed to do this often. Anyway, he easily settled on a location. That afternoon, I went. On the way, I couldn't help but cry again, probably because I felt so pathetic! I didn't know who to blame for ending up like this.

Anyway, that afternoon I met that online friend. We didn't say much, and then we went to bed. In bed, I saw his dark face, looking rather cunning. Judging from his clothes, he was at most a company employee, maybe a little more presentable than a regular office worker. After we finished, we didn't say anything either. As I was leaving, he asked if I could still contact him. I sat on the bed, head resting on my knees, not lifting my head, and said, "We'll see!" He gave a contemptuous laugh and then said, "Old lady! Bye!"

I sat there, utterly dejected. The fire inside me hadn't been released; instead, it had been replaced by a layer of nausea. I hated that man, I hated myself, I felt utterly awful, and I thought this would definitely be my last. I realized that for me, it's not about sleeping with someone I don't like, someone I don't love; it doesn't help me, it only adds to my troubles. Maybe women and men really are different. Aren't there often literary works that depict a man who, after losing the woman he loves, becomes promiscuous and sleeps with countless women? Do you think none of those countless women were women he fell in love with? No, in the end, he'll still think about the first one. He loved that woman so much, yet he could still satisfy his lust with countless women. Women really can't do that; it's very difficult for a woman to maintain a purely sexual relationship.

Look at me now, I'm doing quite well with Xu Zicheng from our third editorial department, but we're just close friends. My experiences make it impossible for me to be a third party, and I can't accept a sexual relationship without love. At my age, finding someone to marry is simply a pipe dream. Actually, after everything that's happened, plus my age, my heart is long since at peace. There's nothing between Xu Zicheng and me; we just appreciate each other and enjoy being together. I won't sleep with him, but I don't mind him hugging me, or even kissing me when he's happy. We might just attract attention temporarily. Then it'll be nothing more than everyone going back to their lives. Or the attraction might last a little longer. There's a vague, ambiguous feeling in my heart, but that's it. He definitely doesn't want to be heartbroken, and I absolutely won't jump into that fire again.

Actually, I think there's a kind of feeling between men and women that transcends love. This kind of feeling doesn't involve marriage, sex, or anything else that romantic love requires. It's a feeling better than just being good friends. I think it's most beautiful when men and women can maintain this state. Of course, I know that to maintain such pure and natural love, without involving sex, requires a high degree of self-control from both people. This self-control comes from cultivation and a thorough understanding of life; these things give you good self-control. This is the current situation between Xu Zicheng and me, and I quite like this feeling.

These days, we're working together on a bestselling book series. This series is entirely a commercial operation; the topics are chosen from a commercial perspective. Zicheng and I want to produce a series of books that are essentially commercial products through a major national publishing house. We both hope to prove our abilities once again in this commercial endeavor.

Dibo sat cross-legged on a large cushion, holding a cup of hot tea. Her face seemed to instantly regain its liveliness. A life experience had transformed this woman, who had suffered for love, been hurt by love, been teased, and sexually manipulated, into an intellectual woman. She had learned to enjoy herself and appreciate herself. She knew that in the vast ocean of human emotions, modern people knew too little and tried too little. Years of ingrained values were hindering people from exploring the deep waves of their own emotions.

Dibo said: "Frankly, the greatest benefit of being with Zicheng was that I gradually regained my self-confidence and passion for life. His greatest life lesson to me was that there are many things more valuable than love. Instead of suffering for love, it's better to explore the other side of life to the fullest, to tap into your potential to the fullest, to greet the sun with surprise every day, and to really see what else you can do and what else you can accomplish."

People say, celebrities say, great men say, "Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live." Yet, seeing so many people around me living without love, devoid of affection, relying on sisterly love, the love of friends, or stealing love from other people's husbands and wives, even relying on watching TV dramas every night to maintain the existence of life, letting the days slip away one by one. These fleeting days are both slow and rapid, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet utterly wasted. By the age of forty, one's mind finally settles into tranquility, unperturbed by anything, indifferent to the world, whether one loves or not, whether one loves or not, whether the stolen affection remains or not.

Dipo's face cannot be described as beautiful, nor can it be described as elegant, but it has a particularly lively quality; her eyes are expressive, and her voice is very pleasant. Dibo has long, wavy hair with a few strands dyed blonde. She usually wears it casually tied back, and from behind, the flowing hair exudes a unique feminine charm. She likes to wear ankle boots, long skirts, and colorful cropped sweaters, and in winter, she always wears a cashmere coat. She carries an enormous, dark leather backpack wherever she goes. Seeing her, you might imagine that this vibrant woman must have many dramatic stories in her love life. But Dibo says she has no story, because she's divorced, and her husband abandoned her.

Suddenly, while crying, she shouted, "Jiang Zhe! You bastard!" "

I've been divorced for six years. I live with my daughter now; she attends school and lives there, coming home every weekend." It's truly unbelievable. All my friends were baffled by my divorce. They felt that a woman like me, with a respectable job, impeccable taste in clothing, and a flirtatious lifestyle, could be both a social icon and a burden-free family member. It seemed inconceivable that a woman of my taste, independence, knowledge, and self-reliance would be abandoned.

And it's true, back in university, my ex-husband Jiang Zhe was in our class. The madness with which he pursued me back then is still a topic of conversation at our class reunions. Look at me now, I've picked up those reckless habits typical of women in cultural circles. Actually, in university, I was a cool beauty, quite ladylike. My ex-husband said pursuing me was incredibly difficult. He gave me over two hundred hints but couldn't get it, I was so anxious! Because he was so hard to pursue, it only fueled his determination.

How did we eventually come out? It seems like it was already our senior year, everyone was anxiously contacting employers, but back then the school still assigned jobs, and finding work wasn't as difficult for college students as it is now. Jiang Zhe was the kind of person who was quiet and reserved, the kind who liked you but wouldn't say it, silently protecting you. For example, during those years of college, whenever I went to the library, Jiang Zhe would be there too, always sitting somewhere not too far away, staring at me with deep affection, which annoyed me a lot. I often gave him the cold shoulder, sometimes even giving him a cold look or saying something sarcastic in public, but he never argued back, just kept going. Eventually, I got used to it. Jiang Zhe has been quietly pursuing me all these years in college, without making a sound, but I can always sense what he does for me. Actually, I've long accepted his infatuation, but I hate how clingy he is, always having feelings for me without saying them. It's this clinginess that makes me inexplicably angry with him. I tease him, give him the cold shoulder, embarrass him in public, just to provoke him, to stop his roundabout ways and give him a direct attack, just once. But how can I say it out loud? I just watch him fumble around like a blind man trying to describe something.

One day, I went to the library to look up some information and found he wasn't there. I felt a little disappointed, but I didn't want to show it, so I pretended to be busy looking up something, going in and out of the library. But my eyes kept wandering to the empty seat next to me. Just then, Jiang Zhe came in, making quite a commotion, unlike his usual quiet manner. I naturally acted as if I hadn't noticed him at all, keeping my head down and randomly flipping through the books in front of me. Later, I realized that there seemed to be someone standing in front of my desk. I looked up and saw Jiang Zhe. He seemed to have been drinking that day; his face was flushed. It was the first time he had stared at me so brazenly. I quickly looked around, but thankfully everyone in the lobby seemed to be busy with their own things and no one noticed us. I turned around and said irritably, "What?" Jiang Zhe suddenly grabbed my arm and almost lifted me up, saying, "Come on, get out!" I struggled a couple of times, but he held on even tighter. I was dragged and pulled out of the library. Then I was pinned against the wall in the hallway, Jiang Zhe pressed against me and said, "Make love with me!" I shook off his hand, rubbing my arm and saying, "What?! You're hurting me!" He said again, "Make love with me!"

I felt a surge of excitement, thinking that this big, meaty guy was finally launching his full-on assault. Just then, I suddenly noticed something. I vaguely heard bursts of suppressed laughter behind him, and several boys peeking in from the corner. One of the boys seemed to have been pushed out in the jostling, quickly retreating, followed by another burst of suppressed, chaotic laughter. Suddenly, a nameless rage surged within me. What "all-out assault"? This drunken guy had clearly made some kind of bet with those guys. I slapped him across the face, yelling, "Bastard!" Then I shoved him hard. He slumped weakly against the wall across the hallway, his head drooping. I ran back to my dorm and collapsed onto my bed, sobbing. While crying, I suddenly shouted, "Jiang Zhe, you bastard!"

I knew then, I had fallen in love with him, even though my confession had been so ridiculous. Later, I found out that the eight guys had been drinking together that day, and naturally, the conversation had turned to women. Later, a boy in our class, Zhu Jun, insulted Jiang Zhe, calling him the biggest fool and a complete loser in the world, saying he had no idea how to pursue women and would be a bachelor for life. He even said that if it were him, he could easily win over a woman like me. Then, they started teasing him, betting that if Jiang Zhe confessed to me that day, they would each lose 50 yuan. Jiang Zhe probably felt too embarrassed that day, and after drinking quite a bit, he became emboldened and led those boys to the library. And then, the scene I described earlier happened.

After graduation, I married Jiang Zhe, and later we had our daughter, Qinqin. Jiang Zhe wasn't good at expressing himself, but he was very capable at home. At that time, I went to work at a publishing house, and he went to work at a pictorial magazine, but we were both editors. In those years, the publishing industry was being impacted by individual booksellers, and publishing houses were undergoing a transformation, beginning to pay attention to the market and implementing some incentive measures. At that time, I was constantly thinking about how to land a bestseller. I read many newspapers and magazines every day, hoping to find publishing clues.

Finally, one day, I saw an article in a newspaper about a figure who had become incredibly famous during the Cultural Revolution. Because he was heavily relied upon by the "Gang of Four," he had been under investigation after the Gang of Four's downfall. Now, he had just regained his freedom, found a small job, and was preparing to live a normal life. I was immediately captivated. A person who had risen to prominence at the political peak, a once-powerful figure, had suddenly... He became a prisoner, and in his later years he had to endure loneliness, social neglect, and financial hardship. Such a tumultuous life, with its dramatic ups and downs, could easily become a bestseller, given his notoriety during the Cultural Revolution and his current situation. I immediately contacted the newspaper, found the reporter, and got the address of this former "red" figure.

The next day I went straight to his house, but after knocking for a long time, only a woman answered from inside. She wouldn't open the door, so I explained my purpose through the door. The woman said they were now ordinary workers and didn't want to be public figures anymore, and didn't want to be interviewed. The previous report had already caused a lot of trouble, and she didn't want to deal with the media again. I told her I wasn't from the media and that it would be better if we talked face-to-face. The woman inside paused for a moment and then said, "Forget it! We're sorry, we really don't want to appear in public anymore. Besides, his health isn't very good right now. We're sorry, please understand!" Since she'd said that much, I didn't know what else to say, but I really didn't want to give up such a good story.

I sat on her doorstep and waited to see if they would come out. I waited until 9 pm, but they didn't come out, so I went home. I was hungry and cold. Jiang Zhe and the children had already finished eating, and he was discussing math problems with them. When I came in, Jiang Zhe said the food was in the kitchen and went to heat it up for me. I put down my bag and ate while thinking about how to persuade that influential person again. Jiang Zhe sat at the table for a while, seeing that I didn't look up and just kept eating, ignoring him, I heard him sigh and go back to the children's room.

That night, lying in bed, Jiang Zhe told me that Qinqin's stomach hadn't been feeling well lately, probably because she wasn't used to the school food, and asked if we should think of a solution. He also mentioned that at the parent-teacher meeting yesterday, the teacher said Qinqin's math had dropped significantly recently and that parents should pay attention. At that moment, my mind was filled with thoughts of how to handle this topic. I didn't say anything to Jiang Zhe. Later, Jiang Zhe's hand reached under the covers and touched my breasts. Every time he wanted to have sex with me, he wouldn't say anything, just touching me like that. Even during sex, he was very careful, always watching my expressions. I grew up in a very traditional family and never really understood the concept of sex. The only time I've had sex was with Chiang Che, who always treated me like a goddess. We were always very careful during sex, never doing anything out of line. I don't think I've ever really let my emotions run wild either; we were always so proper and reserved. So, the sensations described in books about sex—the tingling, the feeling of weakness, the heat—didn't really resonate with me. Chiang Che was always hesitant in his movements. Several times, I felt that at the moment of penetration, he would straighten up, hold my legs, as if he really wanted to open them to see how he was inserting. Every time, I felt this action was particularly indecent and lewd, and I would desperately try to keep my legs from looking.

Each time, he would give up when he saw me doing this. That night, I was completely devoid of emotion. I mechanically pushed his hand away, then turned my back to him and rolled over. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then leaned closer again, forming a zigzag shape to match my sleeping position, pressing his whole body against mine. His hand reached under my armpit and once again grasped my breast, gently kneading it. His lower body rubbed against me from behind, but I didn't move.

A while later, I asked Jiang Zhe, "Do you think that old guy will agree to publish the book?" Jiang Zhe suddenly stopped moving, then abruptly pulled his hand away, rolled over, and mumbled, "I don't know!" I turned around, leaned on his shoulder, and said, "What's wrong? Why don't you care about me?" Jiang Zhe didn't say anything, just gently pushed my hand away and said, "Go to sleep!" Then he wouldn't make a sound again. The next morning, I went to their house again, and finally, around 4 p.m., they came out. I hurriedly went to greet them, saying I had bothered them yesterday and that I had only come to apologize. After I said that, they seemed embarrassed.

Later, they even invited me into their house. And so, I stopped mentioning the book and just kept going to their house. I helped him find work and resolved his living difficulties. At that time, their neighborhood was slated for demolition; he lived in a private house, which had been classified as public housing during the Cultural Revolution, making some policies difficult to implement during the demolition process. I helped him find friends to pull strings, and finally, a demolition compensation plan was resolved according to their requirements. Later, they proposed publishing a book. I immediately recommended a writer to them, having them dictate their experiences, which the writer then adapted and wrote down. Frankly, this was probably the most brilliant achievement in my career as a publishing editor. Because after the book was published, it immediately topped bestseller lists everywhere. My reputation in the publishing industry soared; everyone mentioned me as someone who made best-selling books. During that period, I was both busy and excited. To promote the book, the publisher arranged for me and that former political figure to go from province to province to hold launch ceremonies, sign copies, and sell books. I was practically never home during that time. I was so grateful for Chiang Che; otherwise, how could I have been running around like this every day? I knew that this book could be considered a stepping stone in my career.

Dipo's expression stiffened slightly as she said this. Then she stood up and said she would make some more tea, and took the pot into the kitchen. A moment later, she came out of the kitchen, and I noticed her eyes were red. She had obviously been crying in the kitchen. She smiled at me, trying to hide her emotions, and said, "Have some tea! Have some tea!!"

"I'm not going! To hell with the launch!"

I was busy with my book, and every time I came back from out of town, I would excitedly tell Jiang Zhe about it. Jiang Zhe would listen without saying a word, and I would often talk to myself for a while, only to see that he didn't react. I even yelled angrily, "I'm talking to you, did you hear me?!" Jiang Zhe replied, "I'm listening! Go ahead, go ahead!" That night, as we lay in bed, I suddenly realized that ever since I rejected him last time, he hadn't made any moves. I wondered if it was because I didn't want to, he was afraid to. He always seemed to be watching my every move. This kind of situation was probably no exception, and I thought I shouldn't ignore him too much. So I took the initiative to be close to him. In the past, he would have been overjoyed, although such moments were rare, but that day he didn't turn his head, but reached out and patted my waist, saying, "Rest, rest!" I felt a surge of gratitude at that moment, thinking that Jiang Zhe was truly considerate.

And so, one time, it was probably right after I came back from Jinan. As soon as I entered the house, I saw he had prepared a table full of food. I washed my hands, sat down, picked up my chopsticks, and started eating. I casually asked, "Have you eaten?" Jiang Zhe took a while to answer, "Qinqin went to her grandma's house today." I asked, "Why?" Jiang Zhe suddenly said to me in a very serious and solemn tone, "I want a divorce!!" I said, "What?" His answer was still so serious and solemn: "I want a divorce!" You know how I felt at that moment. I was speechless. I was completely dumbfounded. I never imagined that Jiang Zhe would want a divorce. I put down my chopsticks and asked him directly, "What's wrong with you? Aren't we doing fine?" At that moment, Jiang Zhe truly became a Jiang Zhe I didn't recognize.

Without hesitation, he quickly retorted, "Do you really think you're doing well?" Then, without letting me say another word, he launched into a tirade: "Xiao Bo! You're great, but do you know what? Living with you is exhausting. Not physically—I'm married, and I'm not afraid of being tired from housework; it's a responsibility of marriage, something I should do. I'm talking about emotional exhaustion. We've been married for so many years, and you've never considered my feelings. Your entire life, whatever you want to do, revolves around you. You always expect me to accommodate you, as if everything I do is my duty. Xiao Bo, I'm so tired of always accommodating you! I know how you'll react to this, whether you react or not, I don't care anymore. I just want a divorce."

The author and I were supposed to go to Sichuan the next day, but I immediately called them to tell them I couldn't go this time. Guan Jin from our room immediately got anxious and said, "You arranged all the activities there yourself. If you don't go, we won't know the arrangements, we won't know who to contact, how can that work!" I don't know why, but before Guan Jin could finish speaking, I shouted into the phone, my voice trembling with tears, "I'm not going! To hell with the launch event!" and then slammed the phone down.

After hanging up, I felt completely lost. I didn't know what to do. Later, I took out my phone and called Zhu Jun, who was also our classmate and had a good relationship with Jiang Zhe. He was the one who started the conversation at school when Jiang Zhe confessed his feelings to me. As soon as Zhu Jun answered the phone, he said, "Did Jiang Zhe say anything?" I said, "He didn't say anything, he just wants a divorce." Zhu Jun was silent for a long time on the other end of the phone, then said, "Come over!" So I went, and only after Zhu Jun told me did I find out what had happened. Just as I was busily developing the book market and looking for topics, Jiang Zhe and Qin Ruyun, the junior editor in their department, got together. Qin Ruyun was called an editor, but she was actually a cleaning lady from Sichuan who had been recruited by their department. She just worked very diligently. Gradually, in addition to cleaning, she also took on some editorial work, and being called an editor meant things like sending and receiving manuscripts. Because they were a pictorial magazine, the main work of the editor was done by the magazine's art editors. The girl wasn't very educated, at least seven or eight years younger than Jiang Zhe, and according to Zhu Jun, she wasn't particularly pretty. I was stunned. It took me a while to recover. I asked Zhu Jun, "Isn't that girl just taking advantage of her young age?"

Zhu Jun said, "We've been classmates for many years. Let me tell you, Jiang Zhe's attraction to her wasn't just because she was young."

I said, "Then what did he see in her?"

Zhu Jun said, "She's hot! She's sexy! She's considerate of men. She makes men feel like men. In other words, she gives them confidence. Men aren't tired when they're with her, and you haven't given him any of that. To be honest, when Jiang Zhe told me about this over a year ago, I understood him perfectly, and I've been covering for him. It's not that I'm a bad person! Don't be fooled by my bluntness; I'm not a bad person at heart. But in your marriage with Jiang Zhe, I feel particularly sorry for him. Back in school, Jiang Zhe truly saw you as a goddess. On the night of your wedding, he told me that winning you over was his..." A lifetime of glory. But marriage is about daily life, the mundane tasks, and having to treat you like a goddess all day. You're so cold, so aloof, refusing to do any housework. Jiang Zhe is simply too exhausted to handle it. Qin Ruyun isn't very educated, and sometimes her words are quite vulgar, but she absolutely makes men the focus, the center of attention. To be honest, Jiang Zhe and I have been best friends for so many years, and he's told me more than once that in bed, Qin Ruyun's seductive charm and passion give him a satisfaction he's never experienced before. I interrupted him: "Don't say anymore..."

I don't know how I left Zhu Jun. I must have looked terrible, completely lost, like my whole life had collapsed. At that moment, I felt that the bestselling book I'd written, which had made it onto the bestseller list, was nothing but a pointless "making trouble out of nothing." I thought I'd just keep wandering the streets. Around 4 PM, I collapsed onto the curb, ignoring the astonished stares of passersby as a well-dressed woman sat there, tears streaming down my face. Then, I stood up and decided to find Qin Ruyun. I really wanted to see what kind of person she was, to have kidnapped someone as loyal and honest as Jiang Zhe.

Forgetting to hail a taxi, I ran and walked, arriving at Jiang Zhe's office in about two hours. It seemed like it was already after work hours; the whole building was dark. But Jiang Zhe's office on the second floor was lit. I ran up to the door. Suddenly, I heard Jiang Zhe burst into a particularly hearty laugh. To be honest, in all these years of marriage, this was the first time I'd ever heard Jiang Zhe laugh so unrestrainedly. Without thinking, I pushed open the door and went in. I saw Jiang Zhe sitting there, leaning against a woman's chest. The woman was sitting on the table, her arms wrapped around his neck from behind, talking to him with her head down. Jiang Zhe's laughter must have been triggered by something she said. They both looked relaxed and happy. Hearing

the door open, they both jerked their heads up and froze. Standing at the doorway, I vaguely felt Jiang Zhe suddenly sit up straight, his arms outstretched as if to protect the woman. This action broke my heart. I didn't care about any of that and snapped at Jiang Zhe, "I'm not talking to you!" Then I pointed at the woman and said, "You! Come here!" Jiang Zhe immediately stood up, turned around, and hugged the woman, whispering, "Don't go over there, don't be afraid! I'll handle this!" The woman was Qin Ruyun. She was a typical Sichuan girl—not exactly beautiful, but the kind of woman who knew how to pamper and coax men. But she wasn't the naive country girl I'd imagined. Not only was she not afraid, she pushed Jiang Zhe's hand away and said, "Don't worry, I'll talk to her. You go first!" Then she walked straight to me. Her calm demeanor left me momentarily speechless.

You know, I lost that conversation terribly. After watching Jiang Zhe slink away between the two of us women, Qin Ruyun generously pointed to a chair and said, "Sit down!" I was completely deflated by then, and just mechanically followed her invitation to sit down. Once we started talking, I realized that I was no match for her at all. She sometimes advised, sometimes threatened, and sometimes cried. In short, she wanted me to let Jiang Zhe go, saying that she could give him happiness. At that time, I was completely in a passive position. I only remember the most hurtful thing she said: "Sister, you're educated, but you don't understand men. You don't know what men like." The way Qin Ruyun looked at me and the things she said were the most serious wounds I'd ever suffered in my life. These wounds have stayed with me ever since, like a coat you have to wear all the time, but can never truly clean. This stained coat, exposed in broad daylight, made me feel ashamed and humiliated. The confidence I had built up in the first half of my life was shattered. You know, during those days, I was immersed in an abyss of self-blame every day. I was afraid to see anyone, so insecure that I was convinced I couldn't do anything right. It felt like I was constantly apologizing. Late at night, I even felt that my very existence was a disgrace.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and went through with the divorce proceedings with Jiang Zhe. But during those days, I suddenly craved family affection. I finally thought, I've lost everything, but I can't lose family. Without family support, I might live a life worse than a dog. I proposed that the divorce be okay, but my daughter should stay with me. Actually, for so many years, I've been busy with my own things all day long, and Jiang Zhe basically raised my daughter. Qinqin is also closest to her father. During those days, Qinqin was like a lifeline in my life, so I persuaded her... well, how to put it! It was Jiang Zhe who persuaded Qinqin to stay with me. Regarding the divorce, Jiang Zhe always felt he had wronged me. I know he must have been reluctant to part with Qinqin, but he was trying his best to meet my demands. Less than a year after the divorce, Jiang Zhe married Qin Ruyun, and they are doing well now, with a son.

I was 38 when I got divorced, a particularly awkward age for a woman. I rearranged the room, and when only Qinqin was home, I would cook a proper meal. If Qinqin went to her grandmother's or father's house, I didn't even feel like cooking for myself. I didn't want to eat at home, nor did I want to eat out alone. I would just sit on the sofa, reading the newspaper and eating random snacks, and the night would pass. Before the divorce, I had no inhibitions about who I associated with, and I talked to anyone I wanted. I told all sorts of dirty jokes to office colleagues and friends without any restraint. I used to travel without a care in the world, but things changed after the divorce. When dealing with men, you might not even notice anything amiss, but they've already got their own ideas. You have to be extra careful at the dinner table and when talking to colleagues, lest misunderstandings arise. And I keep encountering situations where I feel wronged and aggrieved. That's when I realized that society still discriminates against divorced women. Plus, things that didn't seem like a big deal before now feel incredibly unfair. My heart has become sensitive and fragile, and I've even lost the courage to socialize. As soon as I get off work, I just want to lock myself in my house.

My parents were heartbroken to see me like this, so they asked relatives and friends to introduce me to potential partners. They were shocked by what they found – the men they introduced were either very old, around 50 years old. They were either riddled with quirks or utterly hideous. Every time I met them, I felt terrible for a long time afterward. At those times, Jiang Zhe's kindness towards me would surface vividly in my memory. Jiang Zhe always gave me a warm feeling; without him, seeing this group of guys made my heart feel particularly cold. My parents sighed constantly seeing this. They were right; men over 40 through introductions were definitely not going to be good. Later, I refused to meet them anymore. I decided to stay home and raise my daughter alone.

What happened next... it seems like a year passed. One day, Zhu Jun called me, saying he had invited some classmates and business friends from out of town who had come to Beijing to make a living, and wanted me to come. Ever since our last conversation, Zhu Jun had felt guilty for keeping Jiang Zhe's secret from me for so long. In the year since our divorce, he had called me frequently, always asking me to come if anything happened. I knew he meant well, but things had come to this point, so what could I possibly argue with Zhu Jun about? When he called me, I was silent for a moment, and Zhu Jun knew what I was worried about, so he immediately said, "Jiang Zhe isn't coming."

That night, Zhu Jun arranged to meet me at a very famous bar in eastern Beijing. I call it a bar because it was a huge place, and always so dark and gloomy. My classmates Zhu Jun and I had been here a few times before, and the atmosphere suited my mood; at least I didn't feel too uncomfortable inside. That day, there seemed to be a lot of people; everyone was packed together. Zhu Jun first introduced a CEO of some Taiwanese company named Wu Haoge, saying that he was treating everyone that night. He was new to Beijing and wanted to make more friends. I saw that he was chubby, but didn't have a beer belly, and wore a high-end suit. He always had a humble smile on his face. Later, we played a drinking game that Mr. Wu had introduced me to, a game often played by young Taiwanese people called "Truth or Dare." It involves playing rock-paper-scissors to determine a winner, and then everyone asks the loser: "Truth or Dare?" If you choose the "Big Adventure," they'll make you do something incredibly embarrassing, something you'd never dare to do normally. If you choose to tell the truth, they'll ask you a very private question and you have to answer honestly. If you can't do it or can't say it, you'll be punished by drinking. The game was pretty exciting, and we had a blast that night, yelling and screaming.

When it was my turn, I don't know why, but I impulsively chose "Big Adventure." As soon as I made that choice, all my close friends cheered excitedly. They thought it was really thrilling that someone as always rational as me would choose "Big Adventure." Zhu Jun whispered something to the others with a wicked grin, then said, "Show Mr. Wu your bra." My face flushed instantly. Normally, if I heard someone say something so vulgar, I would definitely think it was too low-class. But for some reason, that day I had a feeling that I wanted to let myself go. I didn't object, stood up and walked in front of Mr. Wu, bent down, and unbuttoned one button, then another, until I had unbuttoned three buttons in total. My breasts, covered by a flesh-colored bra, were exposed in front of Mr. Wu. The whole scene was in chaos. All the other young people in the group were looking in our direction. Wu Haoge waved his hands sheepishly, saying repeatedly, somewhat at a loss, "It's okay! It's okay!"

At that moment, I suddenly felt a surge of exhilaration. I later thought it was probably because Jiang Zhe left me because he thought I was a "cold beauty," and told Zhu Jun that Qin Ruyun was incredibly seductive, giving Jiang Zhe a sexual thrill he had never experienced before, which stimulated me. I felt a kind of pleasure of being a bad woman at that moment, a feeling of revenge on myself and others. That night, I lost many times, drank a lot of alcohol, and definitely made a fool of myself quite a bit. Because I was almost uncontrollably unbuttoning my clothes and babbling incoherently, everyone probably noticed something was wrong and asked Zhu Jun to stop me. Zhu Jun came over, hugged me, and buttoned my clothes up for me. He buttoned them up one by one, comforting me as he did so, saying, "Okay! Okay!" I just grinned at him like an idiot. He patted my face and complained in my ear, "If you had done this earlier, would Jiang Zhe have left you?" Well! His words were like a door opening; I suddenly stopped moving, then threw myself onto the large coffee table and burst into tears. Everyone was stunned by my crazy behavior. We just stood there, looking at each other, not knowing what to say. Looking back, I think the scene must have been incredibly awkward. Zhu Jun said to everyone, "Should I take her home first?" At this moment, Wu Haoge stood up and said humbly, "Mr. Zhu, it's more appropriate for you to stay here. You brought all these people with you."

I don't know why I was so heartbroken at that time. Maybe it was a pent-up resentment that had been building up inside me since the divorce, which I hadn't been able to vent until that day, fueled by alcohol, it all came out. I sat in Mr. Wu's car, and I kept crying! Crying! Mr. Wu seemed a little lost while driving, and several times he cautiously asked for directions to my house. Each time I pointed, I would cover my face and sob again. Later, Mr. Wu and I went into the house. He helped me to bed, and then he just sat quietly and caringly beside me, without saying a word. Later, I calmed down and said to Mr. Wu, "I'm sorry!" Mr. Wu kindly replied, "It's okay! Everyone has moments like this." At that moment, hearing him speak such soft Taiwanese-accented Mandarin, a warm feeling enveloped me. For the first time in so many days, my fear and anxiety subsided. I really wanted to keep that feeling forever.

Perhaps it was because I was too lonely, or perhaps it was because I wanted to hold onto that warm feeling so much. That warmth hadn't returned since Jiang Zhe left, except for the day Mr. Wu took me home drunk. I was so attached to that feeling that I fell in love with Mr. Wu. Those were truly resurrected days. Mr. Wu and I were so sweet together. He and Jiang Zhe were similar in temperament, both very humble and warm, but Wu Haoge could arouse my boundless passion in bed. When we made love, it was like dragons playing with phoenixes; we were always so engrossed. Seeing Haoge's extremely happy expression, I realized I had really wronged Jiang Zhe before. Perhaps people are more forgiving when they're happy. During that time, I even stopped hating Chiang Che and felt a little sorry for him.

Nourished by love, I regained my passion for publishing. This time, I tackled several topics simultaneously, living like a happy little bee every day. In those days, Zhu Jun would always tease me, saying, "You're alive again!" This happiness didn't last long. Hauge had become a regular at our house by then. He often stayed overnight, and I even gave him a key, telling him he could come anytime. In my heart, I had already decided that he was the one I would remarry.

It all happened so simply. That day, we were shopping together at the mall. Just as we were about to swipe our cards, his phone rang. He was busy answering it, so he handed me his wallet, gesturing for me to swipe it for him. The moment I opened the wallet, I saw a family photo of him and his wife—it had to be his wife, because there were three children of varying heights standing side-by-side in front of them, the tallest looking about eleven or twelve years old. They looked like any other happy family. Everyone in the photo was smiling so happily. That night, Hauge and I had a huge fight. I called him a liar, saying he had a wife and was having an affair. Wu Hauge looked aggrieved and told me he wasn't lying; I had never asked him if he was married. I said, "Didn't you say you were 36?" "You're younger than me, how come you already have three children!" Wu Haoge said, "I'm 36 years old, and I have three children. In Taiwan, it's normal to have three children at that age!" Then, he professed his loyalty to me, saying he truly loved me! He even said that if we were together and happy, what did it matter if we got married or not?

You know, my family was broken up by a third party. I know how much emotional damage that third party caused me. Now, to ask me to be the third party myself—isn't that a huge irony? My conscience, the hurt I've suffered, doesn't allow me to be the third party. Having gone through all that, I could never be the third party. From my faith, from my dignity, from my conscience, from my feelings, I cannot tolerate being that third party. From then on, I couldn't be with Wu Haoge. Whenever I was with him, the image of that gentle, kind woman in his family photo would immediately appear in my mind. I couldn't let her suffer the same kind of hurt I had experienced. Especially since that hurt came from within myself; it was unbearable. I

had a vague, ambiguous feeling in my heart, but that was it. Leaving Wu Haoge, my heart truly turned cold and hard. Nothing is worse than a dead heart. Let me read you a passage from my diary from that time, and you'll understand: "People say, famous people say, great people say, 'Without love, one cannot live, nor can one truly live.' Yet, seeing so many people around me living without love, without romantic love, relying on sisterly love, on the love of friends, or on stealing love from other people's husbands and wives, even relying on watching TV dramas every night to maintain a semblance of life, letting the days slip away." These fleeting days, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, gone in an instant, impossible to grasp, yet ultimately wasted. Reaching middle age, the heart finally finds peace, unperturbed by anything, indifferent to the world. Love is love, sisters are love, friends are love. Whether love ends or not, the stolen affections may or may not remain. The hormones within abandon us at this point, leaving behind a tranquil, desireless state of mind. Some tell me this is what it means to be free from confusion, but in truth, confusion is futile; this is simply how it is. "

But my heart is dead, though my body is not. Although I had just passed middle age, the fire within me was still difficult to extinguish." Especially in the dead of night, my whole body felt like it was enveloped in a torrent of molten lava, churning and flowing inside, unable to find an outlet. I'd toss and turn in bed, the blanket tucked between my legs. Looking in the mirror in the morning, my eyes were swollen, my lips cracked and slightly parted. Sometimes I'd jokingly ask myself, "Won't the lava burst out of my nostrils?"

During those days, I had to consciously control myself every day. To distract myself, I created many things for myself, one of which was to start taking meticulous care of my daughter. But Qinqin was going through a rebellious phase then, and since I hadn't cared for her much before, I often couldn't figure out her likes and needs. The food I bought from the supermarket was always what she disliked the most. My daughter's constant concern and unwavering care are driving me crazy. Because I don't understand her feelings, the more impatient she gets, the more aggrieved I feel. I don't know why, but I always have these sudden outbursts of anger, followed by crying and nagging. At first, my daughter was stunned by this and kept quiet, but she became very distant from me, always saying she wanted to go to her father's. Later, when I had another outburst of anger, she packed her things without a word, slammed the door, and left. Then came the call from Jiang Zhe, telling me that Qinqin had gone to his place and asking if I could stay for a few days. Hearing this, I didn't know what to say.

Later, one night, I stayed in my room alone, browsing the internet. I read an article about "false affection." My heart skipped a beat. I thought to myself, I can't keep torturing myself like this. At my age, if I'm in a relationship with any man, I'll only ever be the other woman. I can't accept being the other woman. Can't I just find a purely sexual partner? Thinking this, I boldly entered a chat room.

After a few rounds, I found a target. I'd never chatted online much before, thinking I had too many acquaintances to chat with, so what was the point of talking to strangers? Now I realized how easy it is to meet someone online. Later, I thought, no matter how well we get to know each other online, we're still strangers. Inviting someone to my home is too risky. I'd rather meet at a hotel, preferably during the day, since he seems to do this often. Anyway, he easily decided on a location. That afternoon, I went there. On the way there, I couldn't help but cry again, probably because I felt so pathetic! I didn't know who to blame for ending up like this.

How to put it... that afternoon I met that online friend. We didn't say much, and then we went to bed. On the bed, I saw his dark face, looking cunning. Judging from his clothes, he was at most a company employee, just a little more respectable than a factory worker. After we finished, we didn't say anything either. As he was leaving, he asked if we could still keep in touch. I sat on the bed, head resting on my knees, not looking up, and said, "We'll see!" He gave a contemptuous laugh and said, "Old lady! Bye!"

I sat there, extremely frustrated. The fire inside me hadn't been released; instead, it had been replaced by a feeling of nausea. I hate that man, I hate myself, I feel utterly awful, and I think this will definitely be the last time. I've realized that for me, it's about not being able to sleep with someone I don't like or have love for. It doesn't help me at all; it only adds to my troubles. Maybe women and men really are different. Aren't there often literary works that depict a man who, after losing the woman he loves, becomes promiscuous and sleeps with countless women? Do you think none of those countless women were the ones he loved? Actually, no. In the end, he still thinks about the first one. He loved that woman so much, yet he could satisfy his lust with countless women. Women really can't do that. It's very difficult for a woman to maintain a purely sexual relationship.

Look at me now, I'm doing pretty well with Xu Zicheng from our third editorial department, right? But we're just close friends. My experiences make it impossible for me to be a third party in a relationship, and I can't accept a sexual partner without love. At my age, finding someone to marry is simply a pipe dream. Actually, after everything that's happened, plus my age, my heart is at peace. There's nothing between Xu Zicheng and me; we just appreciate each other and enjoy being together. I won't sleep with him, but I don't mind him hugging me, or even kissing me when he's happy. We might just be attracting attention temporarily. Then it'll be nothing more than that, and we'll go back to our own lives. Or maybe the attraction will last a little longer. I have a vague feeling in my heart, but that's all it is. He definitely doesn't want to be heartbroken over love, and I absolutely won't jump into that fire pit again.

Actually, I think there's a kind of feeling between men and women that transcends romantic love. This feeling doesn't involve things like marriage or sex that are necessary for romantic love. It's a feeling that's better than just being good friends. I think the most beautiful thing is when men and women can maintain this kind of relationship. Of course, I know that to maintain such pure and natural love without involving sex requires a high degree of self-control from both people. This self-control comes from cultivation and a thorough understanding of life, which gives you good self-discipline. Xu Zicheng and I are currently in this situation, and I quite like this feeling.

These past few days, we've been working together on a bestselling book series. This series is entirely a commercial operation; the topics are chosen from a business perspective. Zicheng and I envision producing a complete commercially viable series through a major national publishing house. We both hope to prove our capabilities once again in this commercial endeavor.

Before me, Dibo sat cross-legged on a large cushion, holding a cup of hot tea. Her face seemed to instantly regain its vibrancy. A life experience had transformed this woman—who had suffered for love, been hurt by love, been teased, and sexually manipulated—into an intellectual woman. She had learned to enjoy herself and appreciate herself. She knew that in the vast ocean of human emotions, modern people knew too little and tried too little. Years of ingrained values were hindering people from exploring the deep waves of their own emotions.

Dibo said: "Honestly, the biggest benefit of being with Zicheng was that I gradually regained my self-confidence and passion for life. The greatest life lesson he taught me is that there are many things more valuable than love. Instead of suffering for love, it's better to explore the other side of life to the fullest, to tap into your potential to the fullest, to greet the sun with surprise every day, and to really see what else you can do and what else you can accomplish."

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