True Confession

(I)

When I was very young, before I started school, I often saw some older kids playing with their penises, sometimes even squirting out a little white fluid. I was just a little curious about it, but not interested, and I didn't understand why they did it so often.

I had a cousin who was three years older than me. She loved playing with me and always asked me to tell her dirty stories she'd heard from boys. Once, we were telling stories under the covers when she suddenly hugged me and asked me to lick her genitals, saying she wanted to lick my penis. I didn't know what was so interesting about licking down there, especially since it was where I peed, so despite her attempts to coax me, I refused. But when I looked down there (below her lower abdomen), I found it bare, like a plucked chicken's butt, with nothing there, and I lost interest.

Even years later, I still thought that a girl's genitals were located in the front, because I always felt that being in the front seemed closer to my own.

Although nothing happened, my cousin insisted that I not tell any adults. But soon after, I told her younger brother (my cousin) because I failed to get her to buy me something. Fortunately, her brother didn't understand.

(II)

I first became interested in girls in sixth grade. Li was our class monitor, very tall and the prettiest. Perhaps because my grades were similar to hers, she liked to talk to me. So I always used excuses to borrow homework to get close to her, but that was all until I graduated from elementary school. This made me experience the taste of unrequited love.

I remember that a fire in winter was popular at that time. I often whistled and enjoyed the love stories in Qiong Yao novels.

It was strange at that time. Although I liked a girl, I never thought about anything related to sex.

After entering junior high school, I left that city and lost contact with her. But I often thought of her and started writing some so-called poems. She was so beautiful and moving in my mind. In junior high school, I mustered up the courage to write her a letter, using some words copied from novels to express my love for her. She replied that she was too young and needed to study hard.

When I went to university, I went back to that city and visited her at her home, but I was so disappointed. The beautiful and tall girl in my memory now seemed short and ugly to me, and her voice wasn't as sweet as I remembered. She told me that she went to work in a factory after graduating from junior high school.

Later, she wrote me a letter, saying that I was no longer that little boy, that I was successful and handsome. She said that she ignored me when I was in junior high school only because she wanted me to study hard. She said that she saw disappointment in my eyes, and she understood that, but she still hoped we could be friends. I don't know if what she said was true, but I didn't reply.

Sometimes, I wish I had never visited her, so that I could have a beautiful dream about girls.

(III)

My true first love began in the second year of junior high school, in a rural middle school.

Xiao Fang was a round-faced girl in my class. Because I was arrogant because I came from the city and was naturally mischievous, I often went against the teachers and was particularly eager to answer questions. Whenever this happened, I would always see her squinting and smiling at me. I felt incredibly excited whenever she smiled, so afterwards, I would look at her every time I answered a question, and I would even stare at her blankly during class. Even the teacher noticed and told her father (my parents weren't around, and since I had the best grades, they didn't cause me any trouble).

Later, I started writing her notes, and surprisingly, the first time went very smoothly; she didn't disappoint me, and we secretly began our "note romance."

Until I was in tutoring during the summer after my second year of junior high, I deliberately sat behind her and would occasionally touch her feet with my foot. She understood and tried to move her foot back.

This foot game excited me and made me fantasize. It was around this time that I started masturbating and experiencing orgasms. Once, even in class, I put my hand in my pocket and actually "ejaculated," which made me feel uncomfortable all afternoon. However, back then it was just a clear liquid, not the milky white I had seen as a child; I guess I hadn't fully developed yet!

We only started dating when we were in our final year of junior high and living at school. Usually, after evening self-study, we'd find a secluded field, sit together, look at the moon, and talk about our future dreams. We had our first kiss, and I started touching her breasts. She was very happy about all of this, but she wouldn't let me touch her private parts. After each date, my underwear was always wet and I felt uncomfortable, so I had to take care of myself when I got home.

At that time, I truly felt in love; a day apart felt like three autumns.

After graduating from junior high, I went to a top-tier high school, while Xiaofang went to a regular one. I wonder if our relationship affected her?

In high school, because the school was very strict, we rarely saw each other, except for one special occasion.

That day, the day before the start of our senior year, she arrived at school a day early, and I went to see her. She was alone in the dormitory, and we cuddled together until night. She said she was scared and begged me not to leave, which I, of course, was more than happy to do. At first, we said we'd sleep separately, but somehow we ended up sleeping together.

We lay side-by-side in bed, fully clothed. I was very nervous, my whole body stiff. I reached out and touched her, and I could tell she was nervous too. This time, she didn't resist my hand reaching out. I felt it was wet and slippery there, and my fingers touched a long, soft piece of flesh, which felt like the clitoris described in books (to this day, I still don't know what I touched; if it was a clitoris, that would be amazing).

Her body seemed to be expressing a strong desire, but I didn't have the courage to take the next step. Later, she also reached out to touch mine, but I refused. Not for any other reason than that I felt embarrassed because it was wet there. That night was wasted, and I've regretted it ever since. After

graduating from high school, I went to university in the north (I heard she also got into some university the following year). I never expected that we would never see each other again. I wonder if she's doing well in that foreign land?

Xiaofang was my true first love; she was there for me through my teenage years.

(IV)

In college, I developed a crush on a girl named Qian. I wrote her several letters but received no reply. In a fit of anger, I wrote her a letter teasing her and that was it.

One day during my sophomore year, I was in the computer lab (that's when I started to become interested in computers) when I saw two girls arguing about a Turbo C problem. I couldn't resist helping them resolve it. I started showing off my computer knowledge, teaching her (the other girl wasn't interested) how to program graphics, and offering to lend her some kind of disk. When we parted, I learned her name was "Yun" (pseudonym), and she was a junior

in our department. Several days later, I heard a sweet-sounding girl calling my name from outside my dorm. It was Yun. She said she wanted to borrow the disk. A few days later, she came back to return the disk and suggested we go for a walk. I went downstairs with her in just a shirt. Although it was cold, I insisted on chatting with her. Later, I learned that she had been interested in me from the beginning, but hesitated for a few days before coming to me after learning that I was a year below her.

The following Saturday, it was the same routine. I asked her if she had any materials for the CET-4 exam, and she said she had a lot. So we agreed to go to the computer lab together on a certain day, and she would bring me the materials. When I went to the computer lab that day, I waited for an hour but she didn't show up. I was so angry that my eyes turned red, so I left. Just then, I saw her arrive. Since I could

n't go to the computer lab, we found a classroom and sat together. Her hair was cascading down like a waterfall, and she smelled like she had just showered. She wasn't the outgoing type, but she seemed very innocent. We chatted together, and then went to a small restaurant for dinner. I drank some beer and felt a little tipsy.

After leaving the restaurant, we walked along the lake on campus. I kept unconsciously moving closer to her, while she always avoided me. We both felt a kind of electric shock.

When we reached a tree, I suddenly hugged her and kissed her. She didn't pull away, but simply said softly, "Not here." So we moved to a secluded spot, where I had her sit on my lap and began kissing her passionately. She seemed to have never been kissed before, but slowly she began to respond. My hands unconsciously moved to her breasts, and she seemed to flinch, but didn't resist.

She whispered in my ear, "If you lie to me, I'll kill you." I swore it with absolute certainty, and it truly came from the bottom of my heart. I never expected our first date to go so smoothly, and I truly fell deeply in love with her.

In the days that followed, we were inseparable, studying together (I couldn't concentrate on my studies, I don't know how she was), eating together, and often boldly holding hands in the department. We discovered that the end of a staircase in the Naval Architecture department was a safe place, so we often kissed there, even in broad daylight, unbuttoning her shirt and kissing her nipples. She was equally engrossed in it, holding me tightly.

But one thing surprised me: Yun never let me touch her genitals, not even through her clothes. At the same time, she would sometimes press her genitals tightly against my thighs, and I could feel her swelling.

That year, I fell deeply into the mire of love. I took great care of her; no matter how cold the weather, I would go to see her off to study, pick her up, and carry her backpack; in the cold winter, I would wash her clothes, even hanging them out to dry in the dormitory, unafraid of the ridicule of my classmates. Because I was happy, I was willing.

I always wanted to have sex with her, but I never did. Firstly, she firmly disagreed, and secondly, I didn't have the courage. I showed her my genitals, but she kept her eyes closed.

Once, after much pleading, she agreed to let me see, but as soon as her pants were pulled down to a tuft of pubic hair, she changed her mind. However, another time, she felt my pants were wet and said she wanted to see, but I refused.

That year is unforgettable; I believe this was true love.

The summer after her senior year, I called her family one night, but her sister said she had already gone back to school. So I searched the entire campus for her and finally found her; she was studying (she was preparing for graduate school entrance exams). She didn't explain anything and just came out with me. We walked together to a grassy area, where we kissed and hugged. I kissed her nipples. She was very absorbed; she didn't say a word the whole time.

After everything calmed down, she said, "I have something to say to you." I didn't think much of it, but I never expected it to be, "Let's break up." I thought it was a joke because there was no warning, no reason. She was firm and told me not to hold onto any hope, and that it wasn't about the graduate school entrance exams. Then she went back to her dorm.

I was completely stunned; I felt like blood was about to burst from my chest… I sat downstairs at her building all night, without moving. After that, I stubbornly went to find her, but she ignored me. When I bumped into her, she had no expression.

Once, I found a teddy bear I'd given her dismembered at the garbage chute downstairs. It was something I'd bought after a whole day of running around, scrimping and saving… My heart ached; I wished I could be dismembered like that bear. I didn't know why she did this, why?

I had no choice but to start studying—learning software programming, learning my major. My grades improved significantly compared to the previous year, but who knows the pain and bitterness in my heart…

That year, she was sometimes kinder to me. A few times when I found her, we kissed, and she was very excited. During her postgraduate entrance exams, she asked me to pick her up, and when she went home for winter break, she asked me to help her buy tickets. When it came time for job assignments, she even talked to me about it. I regretted not knowing more about job hunting back then; otherwise, I could have definitely helped her find a job in the city, let her stay, and there would be other opportunities later.

She was about to graduate and became even friendlier to me; we could chat often now. I remember once by the lake, she half-jokingly asked, "If I come back, can you still accept me?" For some inexplicable reason, I didn't say anything. She then quipped, "Just kidding." I've always regretted it.

On the evening before she left, I had a premonition she'd come looking for me, so I went downstairs. She did come, just after showering, wearing a blue dress. She said, "Let's go to your dorm!" If she had gone, that night might have been different. Unfortunately, a bunch of jerks were playing cards in the dorm that night! We could only walk around campus until midnight. We kissed and hugged, but there was no chance to try anything further, and the mosquitoes were bothering us!

The next morning, my dad happened to be visiting, but I didn't even bother him, saying I had to see a classmate off, and rushed out to buy her something. I finally managed to get the shops open, but unfortunately, I was broke. Otherwise, I would have bought her the moon without hesitation.

I hailed a taxi and rushed to the train station. Train stations at this time of year are always particularly melancholic, with groups of classmates singing "True Hero" as they parted ways. I knew her seat, so I put my things on it, and then she came. We hugged and kissed in the carriage, each wanting to merge into the other… Then I said, “Say goodbye to your classmates,” and got off the train.

A group of people surrounded her, talking about this and that; some girls were crying. I stood on a step in the distance, watching her, unable to hold back my tears, so I turned away, letting them flow freely.

After a while, one of her classmates came and called me, saying that Yun wanted to talk to me. We looked at each other across the carriage, tears streaming down our faces! She grabbed my arm, holding it tightly, saying, “Take care…” But I couldn’t say anything, I just held her hand, tears streaming down my face… God, why did we have to be like this? Why couldn’t we be together?!

The train started moving, and I ran with it, my clothes soaked with tears and sweat.

“Yun” was really gone, and I returned to the empty campus like a ghost. Every day, I think of Yun, of the time we spent together. Seeing the classroom where we used to study together brings a pang of pain to my heart. From then on, I never studied again, and I started smoking heavily.

After that, I completely changed. I became taciturn and started working part-time at a software company, burying myself in silent code. For a long time, I lost interest in girls. I became inactive, felt old, and it was hard to imagine that I used to be a mischievous boy. People said I had matured and become stable.

To this day, I still don't know why Yun left me. I remember once she asked me, "What do you think of virginity?" I thought she might have something to tell me, so to force her to speak quickly, I answered with something like "very important." She then asked, "What if she was forced by a criminal?" Heaven knows I actually said things like, "A woman would rather die fighting a criminal than lose her virginity," and launched into a discussion.

At the time, she didn't ask anything more, and I didn't pay much attention, just taking it as idle chatter. Now, thinking back, it's very likely related to her own situation (later she mentioned that in junior high, a bad guy pulled out his penis and chased her, but she ran away; when I pressed her about the reason for the breakup, she also said she'd let me know later, and that she wanted to find an honest man to marry).

Is this the truth? If so, "Yun," do you know? I really don't care. Now, I'm mature, and I won't talk nonsense like that anymore. Being with you is better than anything. Perhaps, because I was a poor student back then?

But "Yun," do you know? After you left, my monthly income as a student exceeded 1,000 yuan. A year after graduation, I bought a two-bedroom apartment in a beautiful neighborhood, luxuriously decorated, fully equipped with all kinds of appliances. More than two years later, my annual income exceeded 100,000 yuan. Although not very wealthy, it was enough for you to live a comfortable life.

Perhaps, because I was so obsessed with being with you back then, neglecting my studies, you couldn't see a future for me? Actually, your initial feeling was correct; I am indeed excellent.

Right after graduation, I went to a foreign company as a project leader. A year later, I became the deputy department manager and chief engineer at another company. Now, I work as a researcher at a globally renowned company. The software I developed can even be found in pirated versions.

But, "Yun," I can never find you again. This is the biggest regret of my life. If there is an afterlife, I will never let you go again! If I could have been bolder back then, a little more forceful, and made love to you, perhaps you wouldn't have left, and I wouldn't have suffered this pain for the rest of my life.

(V)

I met my current wife more than a year after "Yun" left. My first impression of her was that she looked a lot like "Yun," with a round face and big eyes. To be honest, she was prettier than "Yun," and seemed gentler (I later learned that she wasn't gentle at all). Actually, after Yun left, my interest in girls decreased sharply, but perhaps because my wife looked a lot like Yun, I started dating her.

We progressed very quickly. On our first date, we kissed. Within a few days, I could touch her entire body. I remember the first time I touched her there (through her clothes), she didn't refuse like "Yun" and "Xiao Fang." I think she didn't know how to refuse. Her heart was beating very fast, and she seemed to be having trouble breathing. I was really worried that she would faint.

Like the girl before, my wife also loved it when I kissed her nipples, but she didn't object to me touching her other parts.

The first time I touched her private parts, my feelings were complicated; I didn't know where anything was. Finally, I found a small opening, barely big enough for one finger to pass through. It felt like a snake's hole, not as smooth as I'd imagined.

For the first month, she was willing to help me masturbate and allowed me to touch her there, but she wouldn't let me go in or look. Gradually, I could look, and I discovered it wasn't as beautiful as described in books. Learning from "Yun's" experience, I decided I had to go in! Besides, I'd graduated by then, and I had the means.

So one day, after my persuasion, she acquiesced. After we undressed, she regretted it and started to avoid me, rolling over onto her stomach. With the arrow already on the bowstring, I had no choice but to force myself on her. Not knowing where to aim, I lifted her buttocks and inserted myself from behind; it felt very slippery. My wife cried out, seemingly in pain. I was terrified and quickly pulled out; my glans was covered in blood, and there was a lot of blood on the sheets as well. So we hurriedly put the sheets away, and my wife went to wash them. Our first time passed in a flurry.

After the first time, things became more natural, and my wife no longer objected, but she insisted I use a condom (I really disliked them).

I realized I was still thinking about "Yun," and I repeatedly searched online for any trace of her.

When we made love, I found she didn't have the orgasms I expected, no matter how long I tried. When we got married a year later, I felt half of my decision was based on moral pressure. Often, I would make excuses like doing chores until she fell asleep before going to bed, seemingly avoiding sex. Sometimes, when my wife touched me, I would say, "I'm too tired, stop it, let's sleep!"

Newlyweds probably don't all go to bed like we do, only once every two weeks, but my wife didn't seem to find anything unusual. She loved me, even though we argued every now and then about trivial things, but it never involved our feelings for each other. I found that I would never be as crazy and obsessed as I was with "Yun" again. When I didn't see "Yun," I would think of her constantly. But when I was separated from my wife and came to Beijing alone, I felt a little secretly pleased.

I really had no reason to say "break up" to my wife, whether before or after marriage. But I was really afraid of her calling. She would talk a lot, and I would just say "ah, ah" and urge her to hang up.

But I knew I wouldn't leave her because I felt she was my family, my relatives. That kind of feeling was like that for my sister, my father, and my mother. I knew deeply that this was different from the passion I felt with "Yun," but I wouldn't abandon my "family."

(VI)

Strangely, as soon as I left my wife, my libido became very strong. I masturbated almost once a day, sometimes even twice in a row. I also wanted to find a girl to share this simple sex with, or at least be friends, so we could help each other in difficult times. But I didn't want to discuss marriage anymore, and I wouldn't leave my wife (unless "Yun" appeared).

I imagine being with a girl who can orgasm, and we can try all sorts of things as we please, but after each masturbation, I dismiss this idea.

Sex is a pleasure, and both boys and girls should need it, so why refuse it? Sex without burdens might be more relaxing and more exhilarating. I just want to be able to be a monkey again when there's no social pressure. Often, we're not actually happier than monkeys. I wonder if humanity is progressing or regressing?

Sex is pure, not involving social, economic, or other factors, so why consider it the dirty side of humanity? But society is like that, so we can only act in secret.

Actually, so far, I haven't found it.

**********************************************************************

A Passerby's Confession: First, thank you to the internet for giving me a place where I can be real. Second, thank you to any interested friends who are willing to listen to me. **********************************************************************

(I)

When I was very young, before I started school, I often saw some older friends playing with their penises, and a little bit of white fluid would come out. I was just a little curious about this, but not interested, and I didn't understand why they were so enthusiastic about it.

I have a cousin who is three years older than me. She likes to play with me and always asks me to tell her dirty stories she heard from boys. Once, we were hiding under the covers telling stories when she suddenly hugged me and asked me to lick her genitals, and even said she wanted to lick my penis. I didn't know what was so interesting about licking her genitals, especially since it was where she peed, so despite her coaxing, I refused. But when I looked at her genitals (below her lower abdomen), I found it was bare, like a plucked chicken's butt, nothing at all, so I lost interest.

Even years later, I still thought that a girl's genitals were located in the front, because I always felt that it was closer to my own genitals.

Although I didn't do anything, my cousin asked me not to tell the adults. But soon after, I told her younger brother (my cousin) because I didn't get what I asked her to buy me. Fortunately, her younger brother didn't understand either.

(II)

I first became interested in girls in the sixth grade of elementary school. Li was our class monitor, very tall and the prettiest. Perhaps because my grades were similar to hers, she liked to talk to me. So I would always use excuses like borrowing homework to get close to her, but that was all until we graduated from elementary school. Yet, this made me experience the pangs of unrequited love.

I remember back then, the song "A Fire in Winter" was popular, and I would often whistle it, immersing myself in the love stories of Qiong Yao novels.

It was strange then; although I liked a girl, I never thought about anything sexual.

After starting junior high, I left that city and lost touch with her, but I often thought of her and started writing what I called poetry. In my mind, she was so beautiful and captivating. In junior high, I mustered the courage to write her a letter, borrowing words from novels to express my love for her. She replied that she was too young and needed to focus on her studies.

When I went to university, I went back to that city and visited her at her home, but the result was so disappointing. The girl I remembered as beautiful and tall now seemed short and unattractive to me, and her voice wasn't as sweet as I remembered. She told me she went to work in a factory after graduating from junior high.

Later, she wrote me a letter, saying I was no longer that little boy, but successful and handsome. She said she ignored me in junior high only because she wanted me to study hard. She said she saw disappointment in my eyes, which she understood, but still hoped we could be friends. I don't know if she was telling the truth, but I didn't reply.

Sometimes, I wish I had never seen her, so I could have a beautiful dream about girls.

(III)

My true first love began in the second year of junior high school, in a rural village.

Xiaofang was a round-faced girl in my class. Because I was arrogant because I came from the city and was naturally mischievous, I often went against the teachers and was particularly eager to answer questions. Whenever this happened, I would see her squinting and smiling at me. Her smile made me feel very excited, so later, every time I answered a question, I would look at her, and I would even stare at her blankly during class. So much so that the teacher noticed and told her father (my parents were not around, and since I had the best grades, they didn't bother me).

Later, I started writing her notes, and the first time went very smoothly. She didn't disappoint me, and we secretly began our "note romance."

Until I was in summer tutoring during the second year of junior high school, I deliberately sat behind her and would occasionally touch her feet with my feet. She understood and tried to move her feet back.

This foot game excited me and made me fantasize. It was around this time that I started masturbating and experiencing orgasms. Once, even in class, I put my hand in my pocket and actually ejaculated, making me feel uncomfortable all afternoon. However, back then it was just a clear liquid, not the milky white I'd seen as a child; I guess I hadn't fully developed yet!

We started dating when we were in boarding school in our final year of junior high. Usually, after evening self-study, we'd find a secluded field, sit together, look at the moon, and talk about our future dreams. We had our first kiss, and I started touching her breasts. She was very happy about all of this, but she wouldn't let me touch her private parts. After each date, my underwear was always wet, and I felt uncomfortable, so I'd have to take care of it myself when I got home.

At that time, I truly felt in love; a day apart felt like three autumns.

After graduating from junior high, I went to a top-tier high school, while Xiaofang went to a regular one. I wonder if being in love affected her?

In high school, because the school was very strict, we rarely saw each other, except for one special occasion.

That day, the day before the start of her senior year, she arrived at school a day early, and I went to see her. She was alone in the dorm, and we cuddled together until night. She said she was scared and begged me not to leave, which I, of course, couldn't ask for. We initially agreed to sleep separately, but somehow we ended up sleeping together.

We lay side-by-side in bed, fully clothed. I was very nervous, my whole body stiff. I reached out and touched her, and I could tell she was nervous too. This time, she didn't refuse my hand reaching for her there. I felt it was wet and slippery, and my fingers touched a long, soft piece of flesh, which felt like the clitoris described in books (to this day, I still don't know what I touched; if it was a clitoris, that would be amazing).

Her body seemed to be expressing a strong desire, but I didn't have the courage to take the next step. Later, she reached out to touch mine, but I refused. Not for any other reason than that it felt wet and embarrassing. That night was wasted, and I've regretted it ever since.

After graduating from high school, I went to university in the north (I heard she also got into some university the following year). Unexpectedly, we never saw each other again. I wonder if she's doing well in that foreign land?

Xiaofang was my true first love; she accompanied me through my teenage years.

(IV)

In university, I fell for a girl named Qian. I wrote her several letters but received no reply. In a fit of anger, I wrote her a letter teasing her and that was it.

Then one day in my sophomore year, I was in the computer lab (that's when I started to become interested in computers) and saw two girls arguing about a Turbo C problem. I couldn't resist helping them resolve it. I started showing off my computer knowledge, teaching her (the other girl wasn't interested) how to program graphics, and offering to lend her some kind of disk. When we parted, I learned her name was "Yun" (pseudonym), and she was a junior in our department.

Several days later, I heard a sweet girl calling my name from outside the dormitory. It was Yun. She said she wanted to borrow the disk. A few days later, she returned the disk and suggested we go for a walk. I went downstairs with her wearing only a shirt. Although it was cold, I insisted on chatting with her. Later, I learned that she had been interested in me from the beginning, but hesitated for a few days before contacting me after learning that I was a year below her.

The following Saturday, it was the same routine. I asked her if she had any materials for the CET-4 exam, and she said she had a lot. So we agreed to go to the computer lab together on a certain day, and she would bring me the materials. When I went to the computer lab that day, I waited for an hour but she didn't appear. I was so angry that my eyes turned red, so I came out. Just then, I saw her arrive. Since I couldn't go to the computer lab, we found a classroom and sat together.

Her hair was cascading down like a waterfall, and she smelled like she had just showered. She wasn't the outgoing type, but she seemed very innocent. We chatted together, and then went to a small restaurant for dinner. I drank some beer and felt a little dizzy.

After leaving the restaurant, we walked along the lake on campus. I kept unconsciously moving closer to her, while she always avoided me. We both felt a kind of electric shock.

When we reached a tree, I suddenly hugged her and kissed her. She didn't pull away, but simply said softly, "Not here." So we moved to a secluded spot, where I had her sit on my lap and began kissing her passionately. She seemed to have never been kissed before, but slowly she began to respond. My hands unconsciously moved to her breasts, and she seemed to flinch, but didn't resist.

She whispered in my ear, "If you lie to me, I'll kill you." I swore it with absolute certainty, and it truly came from the bottom of my heart. I never expected our first date to go so smoothly, and I truly fell deeply in love with her.

In the days that followed, we were inseparable, studying together (I couldn't concentrate on my studies, I don't know how she was), eating together, and often boldly holding hands in the department. We discovered that the end of a staircase in the Naval Architecture department was a safe place, so we often kissed there, even in broad daylight, unbuttoning her shirt and kissing her nipples. She was equally engrossed in it, holding me tightly.

But one thing surprised me: Yun never let me touch her genitals, not even through her clothes. At the same time, she would sometimes press her genitals tightly against my thighs, and I could feel her swelling.

That year, I fell deeply into the mire of love. I took great care of her; no matter how cold the weather, I would go to see her off to study, pick her up, and carry her backpack; in the cold winter, I would wash her clothes, even hanging them out to dry in the dormitory, unafraid of the ridicule of my classmates. Because I was happy, I was willing.

I always wanted to have sex with her, but I never did. Firstly, she firmly disagreed, and secondly, I didn't have the courage. I showed her my genitals, but she kept her eyes closed.

Once, after much pleading, she agreed to let me see, but as soon as her pants were pulled down to a tuft of pubic hair, she changed her mind. However, another time, she felt my pants were wet and said she wanted to see, but I refused.

That year is unforgettable; I believe this was true love.

The summer after her senior year, I called her family one night, but her sister said she had already gone back to school. So I searched the entire campus for her and finally found her; she was studying (she was preparing for graduate school entrance exams). She didn't explain anything and just came out with me. We walked together to a grassy area, where we kissed and hugged. I kissed her nipples. She was very absorbed; she didn't say a word the whole time.

After everything calmed down, she said, "I have something to say to you." I didn't think much of it, but I never expected it to be, "Let's break up." I thought it was a joke because there was no warning, no reason. She was firm and told me not to hold onto any hope, and that it wasn't about the graduate school entrance exams. Then she went back to her dorm.

I was completely stunned; I felt like blood was about to burst from my chest… I sat downstairs at her building all night, without moving. After that, I stubbornly went to find her, but she ignored me. When I bumped into her, she had no expression.

Once, I found a teddy bear I'd given her dismembered at the garbage chute downstairs. It was something I'd bought after a whole day of running around, scrimping and saving… My heart ached; I wished I could be dismembered like that bear. I didn't know why she did this, why?

I had no choice but to start studying—learning software programming, learning my major. My grades improved significantly compared to the previous year, but who knows the pain and bitterness in my heart…

That year, she was sometimes kinder to me. A few times when I found her, we kissed, and she was very excited. During her postgraduate entrance exams, she asked me to pick her up, and when she went home for winter break, she asked me to help her buy tickets. When it came time for job assignments, she even talked to me about it. I regretted not knowing more about job hunting back then; otherwise, I could have definitely helped her find a job in the city, let her stay, and there would be other opportunities later.

She was about to graduate and became even friendlier to me; we could chat often now. I remember once by the lake, she half-jokingly asked, "If I come back, can you still accept me?" For some inexplicable reason, I didn't say anything. She then quipped, "Just kidding." I've always regretted it.

On the evening before she left, I had a premonition she'd come looking for me, so I went downstairs. She did come, just after showering, wearing a blue dress. She said, "Let's go to your dorm!" If she had gone, that night might have been different. Unfortunately, a bunch of jerks were playing cards in the dorm that night! We could only walk around campus until midnight. We kissed and hugged, but there was no chance to try anything further, and the mosquitoes were bothering us!

The next morning, my dad happened to be visiting, but I didn't even bother him, saying I had to see a classmate off, and rushed out to buy her something. I finally managed to get the shops open, but unfortunately, I was broke. Otherwise, I would have bought her the moon without hesitation.

I hailed a taxi and rushed to the train station. Train stations at this time of year are always particularly melancholic, with groups of classmates singing "True Hero" as they parted ways. I knew her seat, so I put my things on it, and then she came. We hugged and kissed in the carriage, each wanting to merge into the other… Then I said, “Say goodbye to your classmates,” and got off the train.

A group of people surrounded her, talking about this and that; some girls were crying. I stood on a step in the distance, watching her, unable to hold back my tears, so I turned away, letting them flow freely.

After a while, one of her classmates came and called me, saying that Yun wanted to talk to me. We looked at each other across the carriage, tears streaming down our faces! She grabbed my arm, holding it tightly, saying, “Take care…” But I couldn’t say anything, I just held her hand, tears streaming down my face… God, why did we have to be like this? Why couldn’t we be together?!

The train started moving, and I ran with it, my clothes soaked with tears and sweat.

“Yun” was really gone, and I returned to the empty campus like a ghost. Every day, I think of Yun, of the time we spent together. Seeing the classroom where we used to study together brings a pang of pain to my heart. From then on, I never studied again, and I started smoking heavily.

After that, I completely changed. I became taciturn and started working part-time at a software company, burying myself in silent code. For a long time, I lost interest in girls. I became inactive, felt old, and it was hard to imagine that I used to be a mischievous boy. People said I had matured and become stable.

To this day, I still don't know why Yun left me. I remember once she asked me, "What do you think of virginity?" I thought she might have something to tell me, so to force her to speak quickly, I answered with something like "very important." She then asked, "What if she was forced by a criminal?" Heaven knows I actually said things like, "A woman would rather die fighting a criminal than lose her virginity," and launched into a discussion.

At the time, she didn't ask anything more, and I didn't pay much attention, just taking it as idle chatter. Now, thinking back, it's very likely related to her own situation (later she mentioned that in junior high, a bad guy pulled out his penis and chased her, but she ran away; when I pressed her about the reason for the breakup, she also said she'd let me know later, and that she wanted to find an honest man to marry).

Is this the truth? If so, "Yun," do you know? I really don't care. Now, I'm mature, and I won't talk nonsense like that anymore. Being with you is better than anything. Perhaps, because I was a poor student back then?

But "Yun," do you know? After you left, my monthly income as a student exceeded 1,000 yuan. A year after graduation, I bought a two-bedroom apartment in a beautiful neighborhood, luxuriously decorated, fully equipped with all kinds of appliances. More than two years later, my annual income exceeded 100,000 yuan. Although not very wealthy, it was enough for you to live a comfortable life.

Perhaps, because I was so obsessed with being with you back then, neglecting my studies, you couldn't see a future for me? Actually, your initial feeling was right; I am indeed excellent.

Immediately after graduation, I went to a foreign company as a project leader. A year later, I became the deputy department manager and chief engineer at another company. Now, I work as a researcher at a globally renowned company. The software I developed can even be found in pirated versions.

But, "Yun," I can no longer find you; this is the biggest regret of my life. If there is an afterlife, I will never let you go again! If I had been bolder, a little more forceful, and made love to you, perhaps you wouldn't have left, and I wouldn't have suffered this lifelong pain.

(V)

I met my current wife more than a year after "Yun" left. My first impression of her was that she looked a lot like "Yun," with a round face and big eyes. To be honest, she was prettier than "Yun," and seemed gentler (later I learned she wasn't gentle at all). Actually, after Yun left, my interest in girls diminished sharply, but perhaps because my wife resembled Yun, I started dating her.

We progressed quickly; on our first date, we kissed. Within days, I could touch her entire body. I remember the first time I touched her there (through her clothes), she didn't refuse like "Yun" and "Xiao Fang." I think she didn't know how to refuse. Her heart was beating fast, and she seemed to be having trouble breathing. I was really worried she would faint.

Like the other girls, my wife also liked it when I kissed her nipples, but she didn't object to me touching her other parts.

The first time I touched her private parts, I felt very complicated and didn't know where anything was. Finally, I found a small opening, barely big enough for one finger to pass through. It felt like a snake's hole inside, not as smooth as I had imagined.

For the first month, she was willing to help me masturbate and allowed me to touch her there, but she wouldn't let me go in or look. Gradually, I could look, and I found it wasn't as beautiful as described in books. Based on "Yun's" experience, I decided I had to go in! Besides, I had graduated by then, and I had the means.

So one day, after my persuasion, she acquiesced. After we took off our clothes, she regretted it and started to avoid me, turning over and lying face down on the bed. With the arrow already on the bowstring, I had no choice but to force myself on her. I didn't know where I was going, so I lifted her buttocks and penetrated her from behind. It felt very slippery. My wife cried out, seemingly in pain. I was so scared that I quickly pulled out. There was blood on my glans, and quite a bit on the sheets. I hurriedly put the sheets away, and my wife went to wash up. Our first time passed in a fluster.

After the first time, it was natural for it to happen again. My wife no longer objected, but she insisted that I use a condom (I really didn't like those things).

I realized that I was still thinking about "Yun." I searched online repeatedly for any trace of her.

When I made love with my wife, I found that she didn't have the orgasm I had imagined, no matter how long I tried. When we got married a year later, I felt that half of my decision was based on moral pressure. Often, I would make excuses like doing chores and wait until she fell asleep before going to bed, as if I was avoiding sex. Sometimes, when my wife touched me, I would say, "I'm too tired, stop it, let's sleep!"

Newlyweds probably don't have many couples like us who only have sex about once every two weeks, but my wife didn't find anything unusual about it. She loves me, even though we argue every now and then over trivial things, but it doesn't involve emotional issues. I found that I would never be as crazy and infatuated as I was with "Yun". When I don't see "Yun", I think about her constantly, but when I'm separated from my wife and come to Beijing alone, I feel a little secretly happy.

I really have no reason to say "break up" to my wife, whether before or after marriage. But I'm really afraid of her calling. She talks a lot, and I can only say "ah, ah" and urge her to hang up quickly.

But I know I won't leave her, because I feel that she is my family, my relatives. That kind of feeling is like that for a sister, father, or mother. I know deeply that this is different from the passion I felt when I was with "Yun", but I will not abandon my "family".

(VI)

Strangely, as soon as I leave my wife, my libido is very strong, and I masturbate almost once a day, sometimes even twice in a row. I also want to find a girl to share this pure sex with, and of course, we could be friends, helping each other through difficult times. But I don't want to discuss marriage anymore, and I won't leave my wife (unless "Yun" appears).

I imagine being with a girl who can orgasm, where we can try all sorts of things, but after each masturbation, I dismiss that idea.

Sex is a pleasure, something both boys and girls should need, so why refuse it? Sex without burdens might be more relaxing and exhilarating. I just want to be able to be a monkey again when there's no social pressure. Often, we're not actually happier than monkeys. I wonder if humanity is progressing or regressing?

Sex is pure, not involving social, economic, or other factors, so why consider it a dirty side of humanity? But society is like that, so we can only do it in secret.

Actually, so far, I haven't found one.

URL 1:https://www.sexlove5.com/htmlBlog/72179.html

URL 2:/Blog.aspx?id=72179&aspx=1

Previous Page : Hypnotic in the Leisurely Life of Test Takers

Next Page : Wheel shafts on long-distance buses

增加

comment Open a new window to view comments

Contact Information

True Confession

comment Open a new window to view comments