Cheating is an addiction you can't break.

So, I started logging onto QQ occasionally to chat. I got quite a few friend requests, especially at night when I was watching movies. The constant buzzing was really annoying! I generally accepted the requests, but some people would immediately say lewd things, or even send those kinds of pictures. Even though I'm used to those kinds of things, seeing those inappropriate images still made me uncomfortable. I didn't know how to block people until I asked my neighbor. I remember having over two hundred friends at my peak, though I hadn't actually chatted with most of them. I forget when L added me; at first, we just chatted casually. Besides, I'd never used a computer before, and my typing was incredibly slow—just one finger! Later, I learned how to block people, and I only had two or three left, including L. These people were relatively polite and didn't make any unreasonable demands. My neighbor had told me that chatting was just casual conversation, no video or voice calls, let alone phone calls. But later, I disregarded all those warnings with L.

We chatted idly for almost two months, and although it was all casual conversation, I vaguely felt that whenever I went online, I hoped he would be online too. I didn't understand it myself; it was just aimless chatting, wasn't it? Why did I feel a sense of loss when he wasn't online? When he wasn't online, I was too lazy to respond to other people's greetings. Gradually, I felt myself changing. Whenever my husband wasn't home, I would sit at the computer waiting for him to appear. I never chatted with him when he was home; I was afraid he would criticize me. Many times, I asked myself if this was some kind of online romance. I found it somewhat laughable; the other person was a stranger, and no one knew their true face. We just clicked. Some of his views always seemed reasonable to me, and he always listened patiently and analyzed the trivial things I mentioned. Sometimes we even joked that I typed incredibly fast, and I told him it was because of a mentor.

I don't know which time it was during a joke that he brought up the topic of sex. Maybe it was a natural and relaxed transition, but when I realized we were talking about that more and more, I suddenly felt a little embarrassed and told him to stop and quickly change the subject. However, in our subsequent conversations, I still told him a lot about myself, including my first love and the first man I slept with. I told him that my husband was my second man, that he treated me very well, and that sex was great too; I was with my husband when I was 18. I don't know why, but when I started talking to him about my sex life with my husband, I gradually stopped feeling embarrassed. I told him a lot, and he learned a lot. Later, at his request, we started video chatting, something he had never asked before. In the video, we truly got to know each other. He looked very young, but he was actually a year older than me. He had a buzz cut and looked very energetic, with big, handsome eyes. He said he didn't expect me to be so beautiful, and we continued to joke around because we were getting along so well! After that, we stopped struggling with typing and started video chatting whenever we were online, talking about everything under the sun. At that time, I didn't have much to do at home, so I was mostly online. His job was also easy, and he was often online. Then one time, he asked to see my breasts. It was summer, and I wasn't wearing much, so I was terrified and immediately turned off the video call, warning him that I would block him if he made any more inappropriate requests. I ignored him for several days, and he seemed nervous, constantly leaving me messages apologizing. At that time, I wasn't ready to give him my phone number. I don't know why, but when I ignored him, I felt like I couldn't connect with other people. Eventually, I showed up and told him I wasn't angry anymore, and just that he shouldn't make those requests again. We continued chatting peacefully, sometimes talking about his romantic scandals, and I also told him about my past and my husband.

To be honest, although my husband wasn't my first man—I had slept with my first boyfriend when we were deeply in love years ago, but only twice—after breaking up with him, I met my husband, and within a month, he took me to bed. Then we lived together for many years and got married. I think my husband is quite skilled in sex, even though he knows I wasn't his virgin. He didn't mind and let it go. We love each other very much, and he treats me fairly well, although we've had our share of unpleasantness. After years of living together and then married, my husband basically "exploited" me. We had many different ways of being intimate; he was very demanding and always wanted to try new things. I felt I was okay too, but we were often apart because he was very busy with work. I never imagined I would have an affair. Although my husband was often away, I suppressed my desires and never dared to let them swell. But then my conversations with L changed me, slowly and unconsciously. We talked more and more about sex, and later he boldly asked to see me again—I don't know why, but I remember it was one night, and I actually agreed! After that, it was out of control. The neighbors' warnings and my own principles seemed to have no meaning to me. I'm not an innocent young woman, but I was seduced by his words and fell deeply into a trap—we had video sex! (Later I learned it was called video sex.) To be honest, I rarely masturbate, except when I'm with my husband. Back then, I felt like he was always giving and waiting for me, and I would just cooperate and do what he wanted. But with him, I felt a kind of excitement and thrill I'd never experienced before. Facing the video, even though his image was a little blurry, I could see his erection. Coupled with his suggestive words, I completely lost control and hurriedly logged off. I couldn't sleep all night afterward. I felt like I was stupid, dull, and dizzy! His words kept swirling in my mind, and my body felt inexplicably agitated. I felt like I was going crazy. In the quiet night, I was almost completely sleepless, as if I had masturbated several times.

I was even late taking the kids to school the next day. For several days afterward, I didn't dare go online, but I couldn't control myself. When I finally logged on, I saw his message saying he hadn't seen me for days and had been waiting. I greeted him anyway. I asked him if we shouldn't do this anymore. He agreed, saying it wouldn't matter if I didn't like it. But I think I was the one who started to get hooked. While chatting with him, his image from the video would pop into my mind, and I'd have a strong reaction. What followed didn't stop; it became even more rampant! It wasn't just that I couldn't resist his temptation; I was also driven by a strange desire. For several days in a row, we were practically having video sex. He knew I was sensitive, and he always made me reluctantly shut down my computer and go offline. I've told myself countless times to stop, but—. My husband came back and stayed for over half a month, and I didn't dare go online. He texted me, and I told him my husband was back. (I gave him my phone number once.) My husband even asked me why I'd been acting a bit crazy lately. I don't know why, when I'm with my husband, his image and those highly provocative words are always swirling in my mind. I even imagine my husband trying to seduce me as him; it's hard to even control his image! A few hours after my husband left, I texted him I was online. I was going crazy! The greetings were full of sweet affection, like lovers who hadn't seen each other for days, just waiting for a real hug. He even asked me how much we'd done these past few days, and I wasn't angry; I answered all his questions truthfully. Then came our usual kind of "crazy" stuff. During the voice chat, for the first time, I inexplicably called him "husband," completely out of my control. I yelled, "Husband, hurry up and fuck me!" This time he was even more excited, constantly calling me "wife." Afterwards, he said, "Let's meet up?" I was stunned. No, absolutely not! I won't see you. I've already gone too far. I told him it was impossible. Maybe everything has a cause and effect. We video chatted again and again, he wanted to see me again and again. I had a fierce internal struggle. I understood the consequences of meeting him; I couldn't do it! To be honest, I'd imagined what it would be like to be with him more than once. Once, I told him, "Okay, I'll find time to come see you another day," and then I regretted saying it. From then on, he would always say, "Why don't you come? If you don't come, I'll come find you," accusing me of breaking my promise. No way! How could I let him come find me? Absolutely not! He pleaded with me many times, and I really don't know why I ultimately decided to go find him.

His district was 50 kilometers away, and I was filled with anxiety the whole way. I knew what would happen if I went, but I wasn't fully prepared mentally.

When I met him, his first words were, "I've finally met you in person!" I was so nervous I couldn't speak, I just gave a silly laugh. Before I could even think of what to say, I followed him to a hotel, seemingly out of nowhere. He seemed so calm and composed. After we entered the room, he said his friend had been in a car accident and he had to go check on him, telling me to rest first, especially to take a shower. Finally, I blurted out, "Drive carefully." After he closed the door, I stood there stunned for a while. My intense tension eased slightly, but then immediately returned, because I was thinking about what would happen when he got back. I randomly turned on the TV; it was CCTV's "Same Song" program, but I had no interest in watching it. Looking out the window at the bustling traffic and crowds, I quickly got up and drew the curtains—two layers, completely closed—as if afraid of being seen, feeling utterly ashamed! Looking at the large bed, I felt incredibly nervous, whether from excessive anxiety or a chaotic mind, I don't know. An hour passed, and it was almost 10 o'clock. I tried to calm myself down, thinking that since I was already here, it seemed inevitable that I would make a big mistake today. All the anticipation I had felt earlier seemed to have vanished, replaced only by tension and fear. I took a shower, quickly dressed, and dried my hair, wondering what my husband would think if he knew. This feeling was quickly replaced by another wave of anxiety.

He knocked on the door and came back. I didn't dare look at him when I opened it, and quickly ran to the side to dry my hair. He said, "Were you waiting long? His friend is alright, he'll be back after taking care of things." He said it so casually. But I felt my hands trembling as I held the comb. He came up behind me, hugged me, and kissed me, saying the same thing again: "Finally, I've seen you." I was so nervous I was dying, not knowing whether to put on a hood or just stand there stiffly. He said he was going to take a shower. I pretended to be calm and sat on the edge of the bed watching TV. He came out, and I glanced at him—he was only wearing a towel! Maybe it's just men, maybe it's just him, but he was still so calm and relaxed, asking, "You've showered? Are you alright?" I knew to just say "yes." He said we'd go out to eat after a short rest. I knew what he meant by "a short rest," and the thought made me incredibly nervous. He sat down beside me, took the remote from my hand, and coaxed me like a child, saying, "Let's not watch anymore—" He hugged me—I felt my body stiffen! My mind raced: husband, being exposed, past video calls with him—he pulled me down onto the bed and kissed me—I didn't dare look at him and turned my face away—he would turn me back around with both hands—my mind was a mess. Even though we'd only said so little when we met in person, I was so nervous I didn't know what to do. Now, I was actually being held and kissed by him. While I was incredibly nervous, I also felt a strange excitement, which gradually overwhelmed me. He kissed me gently, a kiss as passionate and alluring as when we were deeply in love. I didn't dare look at his face, but my hands unconsciously clung to him— In our previous conversations, I had often told him about my sensitive areas, and he would frequently talk about what he would do for me. He genuinely and earnestly teased me, gradually easing my overwhelming nervousness. He took my hand and guided it to his genitals; I gripped it briefly and quickly let go, it was very hard under the towel. He made me hold it again, and I just held it there, afraid to move. He kissed me, saying, "You don't know how long I've waited for you," his words so refined they made me smile.

Early autumn clothing was light, and as my consciousness began to fade, he started to remove my clothes—the feeling was just like my first time with my first boyfriend, nervous yet excited, with a touch of anticipation. Only then, the anticipation was vague and hazy; now, it was because I was an experienced woman.

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Cheating is an addiction you can't break.

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