A record of my feelings after the exchange

Nothing can be perfect and flawless for all four people at the same time. So, whether it's regret or happiness, what matters most is that it's in the past and has been experienced.
Everyone says that the first step is hard to take, but once you take it, you're done... Sometimes when you look back, you feel like you were caught off guard.
When I got back to my dorm at 10:30, I went straight up to the sixth floor. The three numbers on the doorplate, 619, seemed to be smiling coldly at me, as if they were sizing up my sudden visit... I shook my head helplessly and turned back downstairs—my dorm was on the fourth floor.
I know I'm a little "preoccupied".
I've been staring at the computer for two hours now, my mind overflowing with guilt. With nothing to do, I've been snacking and drinking cola. Food makes me simple, careless, and indescribable... But continuing might just lead to more spacing out, or meaningless writing and deleting, deleting and writing... I don't have the courage to openly express the feelings pent up inside me... I won't be pretentious, I won't be sarcastic, and I don't want to be a hopeful storyteller, adding a happy ending or touching plot to every story. I'm just thinking about how to tell a story without hurting kind people.
I sent out a distress call late at night, and a friend said, "Follow your heart... There will always be regrets in reality..."
My own heart? I don't even understand myself. I think I'll just make a simple, difficult statement.
Today is my partner's birthday, and I only sent him a message to wish him a happy birthday at almost 12:30. I've been thinking about how to record these past two days, whether to gloss over them or downplay them, but I need to leave myself an opportunity to reflect on them.
Many friends have found out about our whereabouts over the past two days, and some are eagerly awaiting my account, which I know. However, I may disappoint you all, because what you will see is not happiness, or rather, not pure happiness, or perhaps it can only be considered a kind of luck, because we simply met a wonderful couple, a very simple, kind, warm, and loving couple.
I met them (I will refer to Mr. C as C and his wife as Q below) at a restaurant in Tianjin. Knowing that we liked spicy food, they went to great lengths to treat us to hot pot.
Seeing them wave, we sat down facing each other and started talking about the weather and the climate differences between Tianjin and Beijing. Later, the men's topic turned to cross-strait relations, while Q and I remained relatively silent.
I dared not look at C, feeling that I would reveal my expression or intentions. For a moment, I felt as if I had fallen from the heights of fantasy to the ground, and the clear feeling of falling made my thoughts clear.
To be honest, I think we're better suited to be friends than to having sex.
Sure enough, when we went to karaoke after dinner, everyone relaxed and forgot what they were actually supposed to be doing. My husband was very happy, drinking beer and singing old songs from his memories, as if he had returned to the season of love. He held the microphone in one hand, pointed at me with the other, and sang "My favorite is you..." His dreamy eyes touched me. They sang duets intimately and were also very happy. We all passed the time so casually, the dim lighting didn't create any feeling, and the love songs we sang were just beautiful notes... No one knew what they should or shouldn't do.
Around 11:30, we took a taxi together to their house.
This was a typical couple's world, simple and cozy inside. Stepping out of the living room, there was a large balcony. My cramped feeling suddenly eased for a moment, and the night breeze was gentle. As C walked onto the balcony, her hand briefly lingered on my waist, and I suddenly tensed up.
After sitting for a while, I went to take a shower. Q brought me one of her nightgowns. I repeatedly told my husband that I should wear something modest, but when I came out, I still noticed that half of my breast and my areola were showing... I covered my chest with my hands and sat next to my husband. Everyone took turns showering, and the rest of the people were rather quiet. At that time, a channel was broadcasting The Legend of the Condor Heroes.
After that, we all sat quietly in the living room watching TV until after 1 a.m. the next day.
The lights were bright, and there was no hint of ambiguity between them, so the hostess turned off the living room lights.
Everyone started to smile knowingly.
I was actually a little reluctant because C isn't my type (sorry).
But with the lights off, the visual pressure lessened considerably, so we started to create a sense of ambiguity.
When we all sat on the sofa, C put his arm around my shoulder and his right hand around my chest… I didn’t refuse; the situation dictated everything. I saw my husband sitting properly, and I suddenly felt guilty towards Q, so I encouraged him with my eyes. At that moment, I felt relaxed; perhaps the fleeting physical pleasure gave me a rare sense of forgiveness and acceptance…
Later, we did it in separate rooms, and it felt strange. Perhaps due to different habits or other reasons, my pleasure didn't come as expected… During our time together, C kept thinking about his lover, and I turned my head to one side, smiling understandingly. Later, Q came to check on us, but after just one glance, she ran out again. After Q left, she cried…
This reminded me of myself... but strangely, I didn't shed a single tear, and I couldn't even find a trace of sadness... My husband, C, and I were all comforting her.
Her crying was very moving; her tears amplified the emotional aspect of the game. I think authenticity is good. If everyone is indulging in purely physical pleasure, it will make us feel more sad, and we might even start to doubt our own attitude towards love.
Women are always a bit sensitive, and I love her dearly, just like I love myself.
So I let my husband hold her, while I hugged him from behind. Actually, I needed him too at that moment, but I just didn't say it.
I pressed my head against his back, feeling the warmth of his chest.
This familiar, warm embrace... I can't bear to leave.
It took her a long time to calm down, and I think that was because of the two men comforting her at the same time.
Q and I both thought that men got more enjoyment from the game than women, and we were very friendly at the time. Her smile was captivating.
After showering, we sat back down in the living room and discussed where we would sleep that night.
Actually, I made it clear to my husband while we were showering: "I don't want to spend the whole night with C." That's true. At the time, I didn't think that I also didn't want my husband to spend the night with another woman. I was just strongly insisting on this from my own perspective.
Therefore, everyone tries to conceal their attitudes during discussions. Of course, explicitly expressing them will inevitably hurt some vulnerable soul to some extent.
I laughed and said, "I'm still not used to sleeping with strangers." If the lights were on, everyone would see my honest, undisguised smile.
They didn't really agree with me, because they were still discussing it. "You decide, I'm fine with whatever," all three of them said. I suddenly felt a pang of sadness... I felt very down, yet also very stubborn.
Perhaps they are all looking forward to a new feeling of sleep.
I insisted, "Let's sleep with our own people, otherwise... I really won't feel comfortable."
They agreed. Because my reasons sounded perfectly reasonable.
My husband and I returned to our room, and naturally, a slight unpleasantness ensued.
I am a selfish, willful, and unreasonable woman. I blame my husband for not considering my feelings, for not cherishing me, for not loving me as much as he said he did, for all sorts of other things… My bizarre and demanding questions often leave him speechless. I hit him, pinch him, twist him, and make him swear he loves me… I turn my back, cross my arms, my hair hanging lonely on my chest, tears streaming down my face, my breathing heavy and labored. I feel that sex makes everything fragile. I am sad, I am afraid, I am lonely…
我想着任何一个值得我怀念的男人：我想到Z，就非常想在凌晨三点钟发短信告诉他我想他，想他纯洁到单调的情感，我知道他会说世界还是纯净的好，于是我就非常怀念以往纯净的生活……想到小唐，想到WXY，想到WY，想到陌生的“心情”……那时随便任何一个向我表示过关心的人，都可能成为我的倾诉对象……我的泪已经打湿了鬓角的头发……正在这时，C推门进来了，对丈夫说他们换一下睡吧，我一听非常非常不高兴，但是没说一句话，我的鼻息声让他觉出了异样，于是他问我丈夫我怎么了？丈夫说哭了，他问为什么，丈夫说不知道。于是他说那你们睡吧……
C走后我故作平静地说：“失望了吧？要不你过去？我一个人睡挺好……我不会生气的，真的。”
丈夫笑，他用力抱我。我躲，他就使劲抱，我再躲，他再抱……
终于，我很委屈地钻进他怀里，数说着他种种的不是，并且哭得一塌糊涂……
他开始吻我的耳垂……我们很好地做了一次，出了一身汗，但又随即沉沉睡去，我还是依旧的姿势，从背后紧紧地抱着他……以前总是他把腿搭在我的身上，但是自从01年怀孕后，丈夫为了不使我的腹部受压，就一直保持这样的睡姿，所以，两年来这个姿势就变成了我们现在最佳的入睡姿势。
早上起来时已经十点多了，我亲吻丈夫，他有点兴奋，我就劝他去隔壁房间，他说不去，我知道是说给我听的，但还是挺高兴……女人就这一点傻……我不知道自己的心情为什么莫名其妙地就好了起来。
他过去了，C过来了。
C又是很牵挂妻子，问我：“你说他们完了没？”
我说你去看看吧。
他说你去不去，我说我没有那个勇气。
他就过去了，一会就过来了。我问：“完了没他们？”
他说：“完了好像。”
于是，我穿上衣服，心里一阵发紧，但还是勇敢地说：“我也去看看。”
丈夫坐在床边，Q也坐着，两人有一定的距离。
看见我过来，他们笑。我说怎么样？
丈夫说：“不行了，有压力。”
我问为什么，他说：“老担心有人过来……”
我说：“我可不是有意要过来的，是他说你们完了我才过来的。”
我的解释是正确的，但是正确的解释恰恰为我的真实想法作了很好的掩护……我还是很自私。
……
于是，大家一起起床，洗漱。然后男人们下楼买菜，我在客厅看电视，她在上网。
后来男人们做饭，她帮忙打下手，我则在里间上网。
看见TT和“心情”在线，就像是遇见了亲人，无法言说的委屈一下子涌了上来……他们安慰我，开导我，甚至责怪我，但无论怎样他们都是为我好。那是那一天里我得到的最好的礼物……“心情”甚至打电话过来要安慰我，要听我的倾诉……
丈夫看见我聊天很宽容地笑笑，他知道我在寻找安慰，那是他所不能给的。
吃饭的时候C很细心地为妻子盛饭，夹菜，倒饮料，以至于后来的收拾碗筷……
这是个好丈夫，Q很幸福。
午饭后，Q和C在房间里做，让丈夫替他们摄像，当时我极其宽容(我现在觉得那时我是违心的，不知道现在说出来我还能不能算是诚实，呵)地对丈夫说：“你们三个来吧，我帮你们摄。”
丈夫摇摇头，让我看他们。我心情才算没了多少压抑。
他们很缠绵，也很投入。后来他们建议我们也做，说是一起录。
于是，我们两家人在一张床上各自做着各自的。井水不犯河水……
但是我很舒服，我又一次在丈夫的身上晕了过去……我喜欢这样，我很爱很爱丈夫，在这一刻里我只能接受这样的爱。
后来，大家觉得这样有悖于我们的初衷，是啊，4p哪有这样子的？于是，很自然地换了一下。
我看着丈夫在Q身上很用力地动着，我满脸微笑，Q的叫声明显增大，C问：“舒服吗？”Q没挥惺奔浠卮稹揖醯梦蚁褚桓鎏ㄏ碌墓壑凇淙籆正卖力地在我的身体上方……C射了。我看着丈夫，他回看了我一眼，也很快结束了。
Q躺在床上很久没有力气动一下，C一直在旁边轻抚她……
晚饭C做的是稀饭，我们吃得不错。
之后Q有工作要忙就去了里间，我们三个则在外头看碟，是《钢琴师》，虽然很早以前就听说过了但今天才第一次看，果然很好看，他们家好片子很多，C有收藏这个的嗜好。
那时的场景很美好，我坐在他们中间，挨着丈夫，面前是C切好的西瓜，没有灯光，仅是电视屏幕的光线随着剧情一闪一闪……我们很愉快地交谈着……
C的左手手指轻轻在我的臀部摩挲，隔着睡衣，很小范围地动……
《钢琴师》完了，C又放了一个片子，这时，丈夫的手指探到我的身体里，他惊奇地看着我，我知道他是在问我为什么下边已湿成一片，我不好意思地笑一下，他手指就不老实了，还坏笑……我不由自主地扭动着身体，同时上身向C倾斜了过去，C迎合着我，丈夫在后边有了动作……那一刻我觉得自己风情万种，因为我同时很自如地在两个男人面前表现着……
因为是在沙发上，或许C还在想着自己的妻子，所以后来就无疾而终。
等Q出来时我们已经很规矩地坐在那儿看电视了。不过Q走过来后就很惊奇地问C：“你的裤子呢？”C尴尬地用脚指着茶几上的安全套说：“交给它了。”
Q不说话了，看得出来她生气了。我什么也不说，装傻。同时我发现丈夫也没来得及穿上裤子……
Q进了卧室，C也进去了。
我觉得Q需要安慰，于是我和丈夫一起进去。
Q在床上躺着，C在聊天，还和网友视频着。于是我们也加入。
后来就是我和老公在聊天，他们在床上缠绵。
……
后来应好友的要求，我们做了一场表演秀。但是我们还是自己人和自己人做，虽然是在同一张床上。
快要结束时，为了给别人证明精彩(至少我是这样想的)，我们换了一下。
Q又很享受地叫着，C拉着她的手，问：“舒服吗宝贝？”又在她的手背上连续亲吻……我和丈夫对视了一下……我扭过头去……C在我的身体里又一次射了。
丈夫动了几下……他恐惧安全套了也许，反正没有结果。
网友说很刺激，我想任何人看了都会这样说的。感官上的东西，往往会掩盖住很多不易察觉的细节。我给每个网友都投去羞涩地一笑，他们只会联想到妩媚，就是这样，不怪谁，怪不得谁。
晚上我和丈夫睡，我们非常完美地做了一次，我高潮迭起，像一个长了翅膀的天使，始终飞翔在天堂的上空……丈夫说我又哭又笑的，声音还极大……但真的我是很释放很释放，我要爱死他了……我们睡得很晚。
中午才起床，吃了午饭，Q因为有事要出去，我和她握手告别，丈夫在我的提议下和她拥抱告别……两点，我和丈夫向C辞别。
……美丽的天津，我们在午后的阴凉中离开了……
只是一个眨眼的功夫，我们就经历了婚姻中最具挑战性的的一件事情。脑子里还是天津不熟悉的街景，还是陌生而温馨的那个家，还是一幕幕清晰的画面……我已经又坐在自习室里，依偎着微弱的电脑的光亮，用回忆来催醒自己。
记得我对TT说：“看见丈夫背上的抓痕我很难过。”
那时我真的是很在意，但现在我又将一切宽容过去了……
>　　记得临走时我对C说，其实我们都没有做到最完美，那就是那两天我们应该像换一个伴侣一样对陌生一方好，但是我们太在乎自己的另一半了，所以才很拘束……C说：“其实这就是一个渐进的过程，这样反而大家更容易接受一些……”
……我总是理论上的巨人，其实整个过程最反复无常的就数我了，又不懂掩饰，还随心所欲……
走出他们家门，我才开始后悔没有和Q好好聊聊，她是个很有包容性的女人，性格上比我成熟多了，我很喜欢她。我永远记得我穿了她的睡衣，睡了她的婚床……我们其实应该是很亲密的朋友。
4P is a very challenging game. I mustered up my courage to participate and gained love and harmony with my husband, as well as a trace of lingering unhappiness...
Nothing can be perfect and flawless for all four people at the same time. So, whether it's regret or happiness, what matters most is that it's in the past and has been experienced.
Everyone says that the first step is hard to take, but once you take it, you're done... Sometimes when you look back, you feel like you were caught off guard.
Looking back at threesomes, I think the woman was actually the happiest at that time. To be honest, I really look forward to it happening again, because a threesome won't make another woman cry.
Moving from one step to another, and then looking back, understanding no longer needs language; everything falls into place naturally. This is how practice and theory are repeatedly demonstrated.
In just one month, we suddenly tried everything, and we felt extremely uneasy, like a child who had stolen too much and was terrified.
Therefore, we hope to have a quiet life, or rather, to live with a contemplative attitude. We need to revisit love and cherish our family and children.

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A record of my feelings after the exchange

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