Cruel sex

Cruel sex
Author: Passionate Ice Cube
Published: 2003/10/27 on: Erotic Coastline
If I could, I would write down my regrets and sorrows.
—Lu Xun, "Lament for the Past"
Everything happened so naturally, without warning. You still wonder if it was
all a dream. You remember it was an early summer evening, but in T city, the weather seemed to be lagging behind.
You walk with her back to her place through the quiet alley. She's a little tired and lies down on the bed as soon as she gets back. You sit by
the bed and talk to her, chatting about random things.
The sky outside the window slowly darkened, and suddenly, neither of you spoke. You felt the room become
ambiguous and oppressive, and you went to turn on the light.
She said softly, "Don't turn on the lights, it's fine as it is."
You felt a mix of excitement and fear, a sense of being tempted. To break the silence, you said you had to go back, that you were a little
tired. She moved to the inside of the bed, "Rest here for a while, talk to me."
You were a little excited; you'd never been this close to a woman before. You obediently
lay on the edge of the bed, afraid of any physical contact, and then fell silent. Actually, your heart was already boiling
.
You said, "I've always been afraid of women."
"What's there to be afraid of? Will it eat you?"
In the hazy darkness, you see the light in her eyes. She moves closer to you, and you feel her hair
brush against your cheek, a woman's fragrance wafting to your nose.
You embrace her slender waist and awkwardly kiss her forehead and cheeks until you find her lips
. Her lips are warm, and you eagerly slip your tongue inside to taste their sweetness. She reciprocates
the kiss.
You kissed her relentlessly, from her lips, face, to her neck, to the nipples exposed when you tore open her bra. This was what you had always dreamed
of. You impatiently pulled off her panties. She moaned and said no, but you had already lost control of yourself.
You roughly ripped off her panties, revealing her snow-white flesh before your eyes. You were a little overwhelmed.
You kissed her breasts again; her nipples were small, pink, warm, and smooth. You quickly took off your own clothes
, hastily searching for that wet, slippery entrance.
You were flustered and impatient. Your swollen lower body could only feel the wetness below. You eagerly grabbed her
hand, asking her to help. She was flustered, her eyes glazed. You finally slowly entered her, and before you could even feel it,
you had already ejaculated, making her lower body even more slippery and sticky.
She took a tissue and gently wiped the area, then handed you one as well. Afterward, you kissed her again, a passionate kiss
. You caressed every inch of her skin, kissing every part of her body.
You quickly regained your erection and tentatively entered. This time, you experienced a pleasure you'd never felt before. She murmured
that she liked you.
You need women, you need to release your desires and loneliness through women.
You hug her and thank her, thanking her for making you a real man.
She whispered, "You know, I'm not a virgin."
Next, I'll tell you about her experiences that you only learned about later.
You generously said that you didn't care and that you would treat her well for the rest of your life.
At the time and for the months that followed, you genuinely didn't care about her past. You felt you loved her,
and it's hard to say that you weren't also attracted to her beautiful body.
From then on, you were together all the time, day and night, making love wildly whenever you had a spare moment
. You learned all sorts of techniques from every possible source of sexual information; it was your and her sexual paradise
.
You love each other without restraint, unleashing your passion in every imaginable place: in her
and your bedroom, in the living room, in the office, on the lawn in the park, on the beach and rocks by the sea.
You're two years older than her, and your love is passionate and intense, sometimes bordering on irrationality. She, on the other hand, often considers the future, the possibility that your feelings are
just a passing infatuation, and the potential consequences. You promise to marry her, and like making a guarantee, you
bring her home to meet your parents, introducing them to your imagined future daughter-in-law.
Back then, you were passionate, innocent, and driven by desire. But you were also unaware of your emptiness and loneliness.
This love continued until you and she returned to headquarters from the city where you were stationed abroad. Upon returning, you
maintained that same enthusiasm, renting an apartment and buying furniture. It was only when you met up with friends that you gradually
began to feel the exhaustion and lack of freedom she brought you.
When you take her to these events, you chat with your friends, but she remains silent, appearing
lonely and pitiful. You don't want to leave her alone at home. So you decline your friends' invitations and
live with her only in your own little circle.
By this time, you could already feel the gap and divide between you. You were a rising star cultivated by the company,
a favorite of the chairman and general manager, while she was just an ordinary migrant worker from out of town; you had an impressive education and
a promising future, while she only wanted to build a family and live a simple life.
You and she are communicating less and less. Although you're still together every day, you talk very little, and it's just
routine sex. You're starting to wonder if she's really your love, and you're increasingly
avoiding topics about love and the future when you talk to her.
Unfortunately, she was fired from her job for making a mistake, and you let
her stay home to rest, promising to support her. But their relationship gradually deteriorated. To make matters worse, she became pregnant. She wanted to
have the child and marry you.
You've finally discovered, or rather, you've finally had to face these problems. You don't want to marry her; you've found that
she's incompatible with you in terms of family background, education, future prospects, and so on. Everyone around you told you this when you first started dating
, but back then you believed love was about disregarding everything. You didn't listen to anyone's advice; you
felt the preciousness of your true love and despised those worldly ideas.
But now, you've started using these standards to judge her, to make excuses for yourself. Even more pathetic
is that you're fixated on the fact that you weren't her virgin, even though she painfully says it was
rape when she was fourteen. You say she's fabricating it, deceiving you.
She cried, completely; you saw despair.
You were afraid, afraid she would use the child to blackmail you. You lied to her, saying you loved her, wouldn't bring up the
past again, and would treat her well. But actually, you were thinking of keeping her on your toes first, and then tricking her into having an abortion.
During that time, you resumed your kindness towards her, making up various reasons not to have children. You said you were both still
young and it wasn't appropriate to have children so early. You swore you would marry her. She believed you and went to the hospital
for a medical abortion.
That day, you shamelessly said that there was an urgent matter at the company and she had to go alone. When you got home that night, you found her
lying in bed, pale-faced. You gave her a fake kiss, perhaps out of a pang of conscience, or perhaps as a final burst of energy before the breakup
. You took a week off to take care of her. During those days, she often wore a happy smile.
But this only lasted for a short week.
You finally said the words "break up" on that moonless night.
You made a very decisive decision.
She cries incessantly, and you remain silent; she scolds you, and you remain silent; she hits you, and you remain silent.
She was desperate; she knew it was over between you. She wanted you to love her one last time; she knelt on the ground and begged
you.
You finally agreed, and you mechanically made love to her one last time. There was no foreplay, no caresses, no kisses
, just naked penetration. The blood in her genitals made entry easy; you thrust rapidly, and tears streamed down her face as she
wept silently.
It's finally over.
You said: That's it, it's over between us, it's over forever.
The blood-stained sheets bore witness to that moment. You dressed and left without looking back, leaving only
the sound of her crying behind you.
The next day, you submitted your prepared resignation letter and flew to S city in southern China. You wanted to leave
behind all your past life, changed your phone number, and only told a college friend in T city. You didn't want to care about
anything in that city anymore.
Until yesterday, when a friend in that city told you she had been in a car accident and had passed away, you finally dared to
recall your past with her. Your heart is filled with complex emotions: regret, guilt, and sadness. You realize you cared deeply for her, yet
deep down, there's also a sliver of happiness.
Is this the ending you wanted?
Who exactly are you?
Are you a human or a devil?
What is this love?
2003/10/26

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