The Mother's Autobiography in the Trilogy of Human Relationships, Part 24

(six)
I've really realized that I've become infatuated with Weiwei. This discovery shocked me, and even more so, it caused me pain and shame.
Since Weide stopped coming home often, I've been too lazy to take care of myself. But
after my son said I smelled nice that time, I started to consciously or unconsciously dress up. I even use some light perfume.
Whenever my son sniffs me and says I smell good, I feel a little shy and a little proud.
Every day after dinner, I have to go for a walk with my son, but I won't go to the supermarket anymore.
The reason I asked him to come out with me was because I liked the feeling of him holding me, smelling his
scent , feeling his strong physique, and listening to his powerful heartbeat. It gave me
a feeling similar to that of a young girl in love.
I started paying attention to my underwear after I changed it. Every day after changing, I would go back to my room and
listen carefully to the sounds outside. I would hear Weiwei coming downstairs, and he would always stop in front of my door for a while.
Now I dare not close the door without the safety lock. And every time I went back to my room, I would turn off the light. Weiwei would probably see
my room light off and reluctantly go to the bathroom to get my underwear. After he came upstairs, I would definitely go to
the bathroom to check. I would find that my underwear was indeed gone. And the next morning, it would be back in the bathroom.
Sometimes I would also sneak up to the third floor and watch him masturbate through his curtains, because watching my son masturbate always
excited me, especially when I saw him put my underwear on his penis that was about to ejaculate and rub it. It always made me involuntarily
produce a surge of lubrication. Then I would go back to my room, thinking about my son's increasingly long and thick penis, and
imagining the dildo in my hand as my son's thick thing, moving in and out of my vagina.
I know it's sinful and immoral. But I just can't stop thinking about it. Eventually, if
I don't think about my son's penis when I masturbate, I can't bring myself to orgasm.
To some extent, my attachment to my son made me gradually neglect my husband's existence. Weide would occasionally come back,
but he was always the same; I had almost given up hope for him. My husband still loved me dearly, and felt very
guilty .
The day I realized I was in love with my son, the phone rang. When I answered, a delicate young girl
's voice called, looking for my son. Then I saw him take the phone back to his room. He didn't come out for a long time.
I could clearly feel my heart aching, I was incredibly sad. Was my son in a relationship? I wanted to hear
what they were talking about, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. That day, my son didn't come down to get my underwear. I barely slept
all night , my mind was a mess of anxiety and confusion. I
kept telling myself I couldn't go on like this, it would ruin this family. But the thought of my son's scent, his erect penis, threw me into turmoil. A family with a
mother in love with her son, and a son infatuated with his mother. What kind of family was this?
I started to worry about my son's early romantic relationships, but thankfully I was just being paranoid. My son wasn't dating anyone.
He's still as infatuated with my scent as ever. Infatuated with my body.
I knew that things that shouldn't happen would happen eventually. Because I asked myself if I
would , and the answer was so vague and uncertain. Even I can't control my desire for my own son,
so how can I stop my son, who is in the throes of his most intense teenage desires? Besides, I'm so infatuated with him.
Weide left again. This was already his umpteenth business trip in the past three months; I'd lost count.
The night before he left, Weide came home and said goodbye to me and our son.
"Listen to your mother at home, don't just play around. Dad's gone, so you have to take good care of your mother."
I've grown accustomed to my husband's comings and goings, and somewhat indifferent to it. Sometimes I even doubt whether I still
love him. But I immediately dismiss these doubts, because no matter how infatuated I am with Weiwei, the
thought of life without Weide fills me with an involuntary, deep-seated fear. After all, I've
been with him since I was eighteen, and we've weathered over the past ten years together. He's given me
so much joy. And he continues to love me and this family.
When it's just Weiwei and me at home, I seem to become more promiscuous. To be shameless,
sometimes I feel like I'm seducing my son. I'll take a shower and then
go into the living room in a semi-transparent nightgown without a bra, sit next to my son, and watch TV with him. I'll even walk around in front of him, and I can
feel his burning gaze following my erect breasts or swaying hips.
I would put my underwear, soaked with a lot of vaginal fluid from thinking about his large, erect penis during the day
, in the bathroom; sometimes the fluid wasn't even completely dry on my underwear after I took it off. I would still go to his window to watch him masturbate, and
while watching, I would try to caress my own body. Sometimes, while watching, I would even imagine going inside him and putting that
thick thing in my son's hand directly into my body. This fantasy would bring me to orgasm very quickly, sometimes even
before did.
Sometimes I hate myself for being so lewd, and I don't know what I'm trying to
achieve . But I just want to do it. When his eyes are fixed on my thirsty body under my nightgown, I feel a strange
pleasure.
I had no idea what terrible consequences my son's abnormal Oedipus complex would have. In
a sense I sometimes even confused Weiwei with his father; my young, bright, and robust son often made me
unconsciously mistake him for a younger version of Weide.
The school's final exams are approaching, and Weiwei's homeroom teacher's unexpected home visit surprised me.
Since elementary school, my son has never caused us any worry about his studies. He's intelligent and
loves learning, much like his father. However, despite consistently
ranking among the top students in his school, he failed two subjects in the pre-final exams. His teachers also reported that he, who used
to , has recently become lethargic and lacking in energy during training. Furthermore, he often
daydreams in class and gives irrelevant answers.
I didn't hear what the teacher said after that. My mind was in complete turmoil. I understood the
crux , but those reasons could never be explained to outsiders. Moreover, I knew that my son and I were already
deeply entangled, and it was impossible to get outside help or outsiders to mediate.
After the teacher left, I pondered for a long time. I decided to have a serious talk with my son because this was no small matter.
He was indeed in a relationship, and the person he was dating was his own mother. I realized I had made the most
immoral, despicable, and contemptible mistake. I wanted to have a thorough talk with Weiwei. I couldn't ruin my beloved
son.
"Weiwei, don't go out today. Mom has something to tell you." After dinner, I sat down on the sofa opposite my son
.
"Your teacher, Ms. Liu, is here today."
My son clearly understood what I was going to say. He withdrew his smiling gaze and lowered his head. In that instant, I
realized that my son was still like a child.
"I'm not talking about your performance at school."
My son looked up at me in surprise.
I suppressed my pounding heart. The root of my son's problem wasn't his performance at school, but his mindset.
I needed to have a genuine heart-to-heart talk with him.
"Weiwei, Mommy loves you very much. I did before, and I love you even more now."
"Mom, I love you too."
A glint in my son's eyes made my heart race. I interrupted him.
"Mom knows, just as you know Mom. But, Weiwei, Mom is a bad woman, sometimes,
sometimes even shameless."
"No, Mom, you're not. You're the best mom in the world," my son quickly corrected me.
"Listen to me, Weiwei."
I licked my lips. No matter what, I had to explain what had happened before, or the consequences would be
dire.
"You can see that Dad hasn't been coming home much lately. You might not know why, but your dad still loves Mom and you
just as much as , but..."
I really didn't know what to say next, and I really wanted to give up. But then I saw the confusion in my son's eyes.
Grit your teeth.
"Dad, Mom, and Weiwei, we've always been very happy. Mom loves Dad, very much.
But , a year ago, your dad's health suddenly deteriorated."
"I know, Mom."
My son's face suddenly turned red, and I looked at him in surprise.
"Mom, I heard you talking to Dad, and I know you went to see a doctor."
My son's words left me speechless. This kid seems to know quite a lot.
"I heard you and Dad cry, and I know that Dad can no longer make love to you."
My mind is a complete mess.
"You, you're just a child, how... how..." I was at a loss.
"Mom, don't be angry. I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm seventeen. If this were ancient times, I
would already have children. In my class, some classmates are dating, and some have even had sex."
Good heavens, what's wrong with kids these days?
I calmed my pounding heart and cleared my throat. I had to turn the tables and take the initiative.
"Weiwei, you know now, Mom won't hide it from you anymore. Ever since your dad's health deteriorated, neither
of has been happy."
"For a while now, Mom has been a bit lost about what to do."
My face turned red; I really wanted to end this awkward conversation.
"Sometimes Mommy seems a little out of it, often mistaking you for your dad. Weiwei, you and your dad looked so alike
when you were young , sometimes Mommy keeps mistaking you for him. To be honest, Mommy doesn't know what
to do, my heart is also very scared and confused."
Tears welled up in my eyes; I felt helpless and weak.
"Mom, please don't." Seeing me cry, my son's eyes also reddened. He murmured and tried to sit down next to me.
"Sit down, Weiwei. Let Mom finish what she has to say."
"Mom is sometimes shameless, and sometimes I even feel like she's seducing you. Don't say anything.
Every time she does this, Mom is in great pain and hates herself."
"Mom knows you, and you love Mom. I know what you do every night before you go to sleep. Mom
has seen ."
The son's face turned bright red, and he lowered his head.
"These things are normal. You've reached puberty, and Mom knows that. These are things your father
should talk to you about, but Mom doesn't want him to know. Mom doesn't know how to tell you either.
Although it's not a big deal, Mom is worried that your body can't handle it. So, Mom cooks this and that every day
. I'm really afraid that you'll ruin your health at such a young age."
Talking to my son like this was incredibly difficult. My heart was pounding.
"But Mom didn't expect it would still affect you. Teacher Liu said you're always distracted now, and you're not going to team training anymore
. Your grades have plummeted. Mom is so worried and sad. Mom feels like I'm the one who hurt you.
If had told you as soon as she noticed, maybe things wouldn't have turned out this way. But Mom hasn't talked to you about it because sometimes Mom
really, really doesn't want to get in your way."
There are some thoughts that I still find difficult to express.
"But if you continue like this, Mom will be very worried. Mom doesn't know what to say to you,
but you really can't go on like this. Do you understand, son?"
"Okay, Mom."
My son lowered his head. Instead of feeling relieved, I stood up, walked to him,
and hugged his head. He seemed to resist, stiffening slightly. He was nothing like the child who had been affectionate towards me a few days ago.
My heart feels like it's been stung by something.
For several days in a row, although my son and I still came and went frequently, I felt he was distancing himself from me. My
heart ached with both pain and helplessness. I noticed that my son no longer secretly went downstairs at night to get my used underwear, and he was going to bed
earlier than before. I couldn't describe my feelings, but it was definitely not happiness. I also knew that I probably
hadn't convinced my son at all; he was just becoming more sensible, and he was simply forcing himself to suppress his feelings.
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The Mother's Autobiography in the Trilogy of Human Relationships, Part 24

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