The Mother's Autobiography in the Trilogy of Human Relationships, Part 24

(six)
I've really realized that I've become infatuated with Weiwei. This discovery shocked me, and even more so, it caused me pain and shame.
Since Wei De stopped coming home often, I've been too lazy to take care of myself. But
after my son said I smelled nice, I started to dress up more, consciously or unconsciously. I even started using some light perfume.
Whenever my son sniffs me and says I smell good, I feel a little shy and slightly proud.
Every day after dinner, I ask my son to accompany me for a walk outside, but I naturally won't go to the supermarket.
The reason I asked him to come with me was because I liked the feeling of him holding me, smelling his scent
, feeling his strong physique, and listening to his powerful heartbeat. It gave me a
feeling similar to that of a young girl in love.
I started paying attention to my underwear. Every day after changing, I would go back to my room and
listen carefully to the sounds outside. I would hear Weiwei coming downstairs, and he would always stop in front of my door for a while.
Now I'm afraid to close the door without a lock. And every time I went back to my room, I would turn off the light. Perhaps Weiwei would see
my room light off and then reluctantly go to the bathroom to get my underwear. After he came upstairs, I would always
check the bathroom. I would find that my underwear was indeed gone. And the next morning, it would be back in the bathroom. Sometimes
I would sneak up to the third floor and watch him masturbate through his curtains. Watching my son masturbate always
excited me, especially when I saw him rubbing my underwear on his penis as he was about to ejaculate. It always made me involuntarily
produce arousal fluid. Then I would go back to my room, thinking about my son's increasingly long and thick penis, and
imagining the dildo in my hand as my son's thick thing, moving in and out of my vagina.
I know it's sinful and immoral. But I just can't control thinking like that. Later on, if
I don't think about my son's penis when I masturbate, I can't reach orgasm.
To some extent, my attachment to my son made me gradually neglect my husband's existence. Weide would occasionally come back,
but he was still the same as before, and I had almost given up hope for him. My husband still loved me very much, and felt very guilty
.
The day I realized I was in love with my son, the phone rang. When I answered, a delicate young girl
's voice called, looking for my son. Then I saw him take the phone back to his room. He didn't come out for a long time.
I could clearly feel my heart aching, incredibly sad. Was my son in a relationship? I wanted to hear
what they were talking about, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. That day, my son didn't come down to get my underwear. I barely
slept that night, my mind a jumble of anxieties and confusion. I kept telling myself I couldn't go on like this, that it would destroy this family.
But the thought of my son's scent, his erect penis, threw me into turmoil. A family with a
mother in love with her son, and a son infatuated with his mother. What kind of family was this?
I started to worry about my son's early romantic relationships, but thankfully I was just being paranoid. My son wasn't in a relationship.
He's still as infatuated with my scent as ever. Infatuated with my body.
I knew that what shouldn't happen would happen someday. Because I asked myself if I would
refuse if it happened, and the answer was so vague and uncertain. I can't even control my desire for my own son,
so how can I stop my son, who is in the throes of his most intense teenage desires? Besides, I'm so infatuated with him.
Wei De left again. I've lost count of how many business trips he's taken in the past three months.
That night, before he left, Wei De went home and said goodbye to me and our son.
"Listen to your mother at home, don't just play around. Dad's gone, you have to take good care of your mother."
I've grown accustomed to my husband's comings and goings, and somewhat indifferent to it. Sometimes I even doubt whether I still
love him. But I immediately dismiss these doubts, because no matter how infatuated I am with Weiwei, the
thought of life without Weide fills me with an involuntary, deep-seated fear. After all, we've
been together since I was eighteen, and we've weathered over the past ten years together. He's given me so
much happiness, and he continues to love me and this family.
When it's just Weiwei and me at home, I seem to become more wanton. To be shameless,
sometimes I feel like I'm seducing my son. I'll take a shower and go into the living room in a semi-transparent nightgown without a bra , sit next to him, and watch TV with him. I can even feel his burning gaze following my erect breasts or swaying hips as
I walk around in front of him .
I would put my underwear, soaked with a lot of vaginal fluid from thinking about his large, erect penis during the day,
in the bathroom. Sometimes, the vaginal fluid on my underwear wasn't even completely dry. I would still go to his window to watch him masturbate, and
while watching, I would try to caress my own body. Sometimes, while watching, I would even imagine going inside him and putting that
big thing in my son's hand directly into my body. This fantasy would bring me to orgasm very quickly, sometimes even
before my son did.
Sometimes I hate myself for being so lewd, and I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by seducing my son like this
. But I just want to do it; when his gaze is fixed on my thirsty body under my nightgown, I feel a strange
pleasure.
I had no idea that my son's abnormal Oedipus complex would have such terrible consequences. In a sense,
I sometimes even confused Weiwei with his father. My young, bright, and strong son often made me
unconsciously mistake him for a younger version of Weide.
The school final exams are coming up soon, and Weiwei's homeroom teacher's unexpected home visit surprised me.
From elementary school onwards, my son never caused us any worry about his studies. He's intelligent and
enjoys learning, much like his father. He was always among the top students in school, but surprisingly, he
failed two subjects in the pre-final exams' diagnostic tests. Furthermore, his teachers reported that
he, who used to perform exceptionally well on the school's basketball and soccer teams, has recently become lethargic and lacking in energy during training. He also frequently
daydreams in class and gives irrelevant answers.
I didn't hear what the teacher said after that. My mind was in complete turmoil. I understood the crux of the problem
, but those reasons could never be explained to outsiders. Moreover, I knew that my son and I were already
deeply entangled, and it was impossible to resolve the issue with external help or from outsiders.
After the teacher left, I pondered for a long time. I decided to have a serious talk with my son, because this was no small matter.
My son was indeed in a relationship, and the person he was in love with was his own mother. I realized I had made the most
immoral, despicable, and contemptible mistake. I wanted to have a thorough talk with Weiwei. I couldn't ruin my beloved
son.
"Weiwei, don't go out today. Mom has something to tell you." After dinner, I sat
on the sofa opposite my son.
"Today, your teacher, Ms. Liu, is here."
My son clearly knew what I was going to say, and he withdrew his smiling gaze and lowered his head. In that instant, I
realized that my son was still like a child.
"I'm not talking about your performance at school."
My son suddenly looked up at me in surprise.
I suppressed my pounding heart. The fundamental problem with my son wasn't his performance at school, but his mindset.
I needed to have a genuine emotional exchange with him.
"Weiwei, Mommy loves you very much. I did before, and I love you even more now."
"Mom, I love you too."
A light flashed in my son's eyes that made my heart pound. I interrupted him.
"Mom knows, just as you know Mom. But, Weiwei, Mom is a bad woman, sometimes,
sometimes even shameless,"
"No, Mom, you're not. You're the best mom in the world," my son quickly corrected me.
"Listen to me, Weiwei."
I licked my lips. No matter what, I had to explain what had happened before, or the consequences would be
dire.
"You can see that Dad hasn't been coming home much lately. You might not know why, but your dad still
loves your mom and you just as much as before, but..."
I really didn't know what to say next, and I really wanted to give up. But then I saw the confusion in my son's eyes.
Grit your teeth.
"Dad, Mom, and Weiwei, we've always been very happy. Mom loves Dad, very much. But
, a year ago, your dad's health suddenly started to decline."
"I know, Mom."
My son's face suddenly turned red, and I looked at him in surprise.
"Mom, I heard you talking to Dad, and I know you went to see a doctor."
My son's words left me speechless. This kid seems to know quite a lot?
"I heard you and Dad cry, and I know that Dad can no longer make love to you."
My mind is a complete mess.
"You, you're just a child, how... how..." I was at a loss.
"Mom, don't be angry. I'm not a child anymore. I'm seventeen. If this were ancient times, I
would already have children. In my class, some classmates are dating, and some have even had sex."
Good heavens, what's wrong with kids these days?
I calmed my pounding heart and cleared my throat. I had to take the initiative.
"Weiwei, you know now, so Mom won't hide it from you anymore. Ever since your father's health deteriorated, Mom and Dad
haven't been happy."
"During this period, Mom was a little lost and didn't know what to do."
My face turned red; I really wanted to end this awkward conversation.
"Sometimes Mom seems a little confused, she keeps mistaking you for your dad. Weiwei, you and your dad
looked so alike when you were young, sometimes Mom keeps mistaking you for him. To be honest, Mom doesn't know what to
do, my heart is also very scared and confused."
Tears welled up in my eyes; I felt helpless and weak.
"Mom, please don't." Seeing me cry, my son's eyes also reddened. He stammered and tried to sit down next to me.
"Sit down, Weiwei. Let Mom finish what she has to say."
"Mom is sometimes shameless, and sometimes I even feel like she's seducing you. Don't say anything. Every
time she does this, Mom is in great pain and hates herself."
"Mom knows you, and you like Mom. I know what you do every night before you go to sleep. I've seen it from your window
."
The son's face turned bright red, and he lowered his head.
"These things are normal; you've reached puberty, and Mom knows that.
Your father should be talking to you about these things, but Mom doesn't want him to know. Mom doesn't know how to tell you either. It
's not a big deal, but Mom is worried your body won't be able to handle it. So, Mom is making this and that every day
. I'm really afraid you'll ruin your health at such a young age."
Talking to my son like this was unusually difficult. My heart was pounding.
"But Mom didn't expect it would still affect you. Teacher Liu said you're always distracted now, and you're skipping team practice
. Your grades have plummeted. Mom is so worried and sad. Mom feels like I'm the one who hurt you. If Mom
had told you as soon as she noticed, maybe things wouldn't be like this. But Mom hasn't talked to you about it because sometimes Mom
really, really doesn't want to hinder you."
There are some thoughts that I still find difficult to bring myself to say.
"But if you continue like this, Mom will be very worried. Mom doesn't know what to say to you,
but you really can't go on like this. Do you understand, son?"
"Okay, Mom."
My son lowered his head. Instead of feeling relieved, I stood up, walked to him,
and hugged his head. He seemed to resist, stiffening slightly. He was nothing like the affectionate boy he had been a few days ago.
My heart feels like it's been stung by something.
For several days in a row, although my son and I still came and went frequently, I felt he was distancing himself from me. My
heart ached with pain and helplessness. I noticed that my son no longer secretly went downstairs at night to get my underwear, and he was going to bed
earlier than before. I couldn't describe my feelings, but it was definitely not happiness. I also knew that I probably
hadn't convinced my son at all; he had just become more sensible, and he was merely forcibly suppressing himself.

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The Mother's Autobiography in the Trilogy of Human Relationships, Part 24

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