Shenyang, Don't Cry for Me - Chapters 33 and 34: Melting Ice

Before we knew it, the year was drawing to a close, and it was time to draft the annual government work report. On the first weekend of December, Director Lü called Ouyang and me to his office and told us that this year's report would be drafted by Ouyang and me. He also explained some of the key tasks for next year that the Standing Committee of the Government had studied and asked us to incorporate these into the report.
Every year, the government work report is reviewed by the People's Congress and the CPPCC. Therefore, the entire municipal government team attaches great importance to this report. The fact that Director Lü entrusted such an important task to me and Ouyang shows that he values us highly.
I said, "Ouyang works with the executive vice mayor and is very familiar with economic work. Let her be the main writer, and I'll help with the advice and do some more auxiliary work."
Director Lü said, "That's good. You two should put in more effort. The materials need to be prepared quickly, and we should try to produce a first draft within a week." We nodded in agreement and left.
As the saying goes, "The most arduous task is to erode a hero's spirit with bureaucratic writing and palace-style poetry." It's easy to agree, but much harder to complete. The government work report covers more than ten aspects, including politics, economy, social stability, personnel, education, industry, agriculture, commerce, science, education, culture, and health. It requires collecting and compiling the work reports and next year's work plans from dozens of units. Producing a report in such a short time is indeed quite difficult. However, since this is our first time undertaking such a heavy responsibility, Ouyang and I both knew that failing would be disastrous. So we discussed it and made a simple plan.
Over the weekend, we split up to thoroughly understand the city's main directives. Starting Monday, Ouyang and I notified over thirty departments across the city to prepare their information. On Tuesday, Ouyang and I visited key departments to gather information and materials, visiting over a dozen in a single day. On Wednesday, Ouyang stayed home organizing materials and clarifying our thinking, while I continued visiting the remaining departments. On Thursday, we sat together to organize materials and brainstorm ideas. We started writing on Friday, and by Sunday, the materials were largely complete, though still requiring considerable refinement, but they were ready to be submitted as a first draft.
After a week of working day and night, I said to Ouyang, "That's enough for now. Let's get some rest tonight. I haven't had a good night's sleep in days. I'm fine, but girls will age if they keep pushing themselves like this."
A slight smile appeared on Ouyang's cold face as he said, "It's nothing. I'm the type with excess energy; I can't sleep if I don't work at night."
I laughed and said, "Most people who work as secretaries to the mayor have this problem."
We went home separately, and I ate a bowl of instant noodles before going to bed. These past few days have been so busy; not only am I physically exhausted, but my mind is completely fried. I was sleeping soundly when my phone stubbornly rang, so I quickly got up to answer it. That's how it is for secretaries—working day and night, with their phones on 24/7. The worst thing is when the phone rings in the middle of the night, because the calls are usually urgent. No matter how soundly I'm sleeping, a ringing phone instantly wakes me up; it's almost making me sick.
When I answered, it was Ouyang's voice. She said, "Guan Han, I've carefully reviewed our report and feel it lacks originality and innovation; it's too rigid and follows the established procedures. I have a new idea. If you have time, would you like to discuss it together?"
Actually, I'd long felt that what we wrote was too similar to previous reports. Although government work reports have always been like this, I always found them bland and uninteresting. Since Ouyang said so, I became interested. I glanced at my watch; it was only a little past nine o'clock at night. I said, "Okay, see you at our office."
Ouyang said, "Don't go to the office, there's no one there anymore. Come to my house instead, I have all the manuscripts on my computer."
I thought it wouldn't be bad to check out Ouyang's house while I was there, so I said, "Okay, I'll head over now." So I asked for the address and took a taxi to Ouyang's house.
Ouyang lived in a very nice neighborhood, all high-rise apartments, and all large units. Her apartment was on the nineteenth floor, and the interior was very elegantly decorated. Several Impressionist oil paintings hung on the walls, their dappled light and shadows creating a tranquil atmosphere. A large close-up photograph of Ouyang between the two bedrooms conveyed a sense of style.
Ouyang, casually dressed in her pajamas, said to me, "Wearing business attire all the time at work is exhausting. I can only relax at home. You don't mind, do you?"
I smiled and said, "How could that be? I'm used to your cold face, it's time for a change."
Ouyang casually tidied up the cushions and magazines on the sofa, saying apologetically, "You see, I haven't had time to tidy up the room, sorry for making you laugh."
I said, "Although I am a person without a home, I understand that 'home' should be a nest. Even if it's just a pile of weeds, as long as we feel warm and comfortable when we crawl in, that's enough."
Ouyang laughed and said, "You're really good at comforting people. Wouldn't that turn us all into pigs?"
I chuckled and said, "If only that were true. It's a pity we're all destined to be hard workers, having to work overtime in the middle of the night. We're not as lucky as pigs."
Ouyang said, "I'd rather work hard than be at someone's mercy. Come on, let's study the materials."
When the topic turned to materials, Ouyang immediately reverted to her capable, strong-woman demeanor, asking, "What do you think is most lacking in this material?"
I said, "Actually, what's lacking most isn't new content, but new expression. This year, the government is indeed preparing to do a few practical and important things, but in the report, we followed our usual practice and only mentioned strengthening this, increasing that, enhancing this, and vigorously promoting that. Although we stated the things, we lacked the infectious power to uplift spirits, boost morale, and inspire enthusiasm."
Ouyang said, "Yes, this is a piece without passion or life. We have so many problems in state-owned enterprise reform, systems and mechanisms, rural issues, medical care and education, urban construction and environmental protection. If the government doesn't show any passion and only acts rationally, when will these problems be solved? I think we, as the writers, should express this passion and the government's determination. Only in this way can we be more inspiring, persuasive and have a driving force."
I pondered for a moment and said, "Given the mayor's past style, he might not like this kind of draft, but it's worth a try. Let's keep the current draft; if it doesn't work out, we'll have a backup plan."
Ouyang said, "That's fine too."
So we started revising as we studied the material. Because we had the original material as a foundation, the revisions were relatively quick. The draft was finished around 1:00 PM. We each read it through and felt it was indeed much more vivid and persuasive than the previous draft. Of course, we controlled the level of expression, avoiding anything too extreme, and we also controlled the emotional tone in our rhetoric. I found that Ouyang was indeed very talented and thoughtful; it seems his doctoral title was well-deserved.
Being able to put our ideas into practice made Ouyang and me very excited, and neither of us felt sleepy. As soon as we relaxed, our hunger became apparent; the instant noodles we'd eaten the night before had completely depleted our energy. So I said to Ouyang, "I only ate one packet of instant noodles tonight, and I'm really hungry now. Let me treat you to dinner."
Ouyang hesitated for a moment and said, "I'm hungry too, but it's too late now, there aren't any restaurants open. How about this, I still have plenty of food at home, let's eat at home."
I immediately put on the airs of a guest and said, "That's fine, but it's too much trouble for you."
Ouyang laughed and said, "Did I say I would cook for you? Don't shirk your responsibility. It's fair if we cook together."
I feigned anger and said, "I'm a guest! This is hardly hospitality!"
Ouyang's smile faded slightly as she looked at me and said, "Every day I'm alone in the kitchen, cooking for myself, and then eating by myself. It's so boring. Can you just keep me company?"
我心头一颤，进门的时候我已经看到电视旁边的小镜框里有欧阳和一个男人的合影，应该是她的男朋友吧，从来没听欧阳说过她的家事，看来在她冷峻的外表下，也有一颗寂寞的心啊。我心里一软，说：「这样吧，我来做好了，你出菜，我出力，也算公平。」
欧阳听了马上高兴起来，说：「好啊好啊！我特别喜欢看男人在厨房里做饭的样子。」
我笑她道：「你都快变态了你，整个就是个男人婆。」说着就起身去了厨房。
打开冰箱，菜还真不少，欧阳是个讲究生活质量的人，不像我，连冰箱都没有。欧阳也从书房里走过来倚着厨房的门，不说话，只是看着我忙活。我偶尔看她一眼，她对我微笑着，思想却好像飞到了远方。一会的功夫，我就炒了四个菜，电饭煲里的饭也熟了。我在餐桌边坐定，欧阳才动手盛了一碗米饭热气蒸蒸的放在我面前，又拿起筷子吃了一口菜，称赞道：「关汉，没想到你做菜这么好吃。」
我说：「你要是做过二十年饭也一定能好吃。」
欧阳突然想了什么似的跑到客厅去，回来的时候拿着一瓶酒。我一看，竟然是人头马xo。
我惊叹到：「你怎么藏着这么好的酒啊！」
欧阳澹澹的道：「这是我男朋友从法国带给我的礼物。不过我从来没喝过，都放了两年多了，今天拿出来慰劳你一下。要不真要让你笑话我不懂待客之道了。」
我说：「可不是嘛，此时无一盏，何以叙平生啊。」
她从冰箱里取来一桶冰块儿，把xo放进去。我看着她忙完，就对她说：「你虽然不怎么喝酒，可你对喝法倒是挺在行的。」
欧阳找来两只高脚杯，还是澹澹的说：「他在家的时候，时常喜欢小酌一点儿。」
我不好再问什么，就故作轻松的说：「现在天气凉，不用冰太久，我们现在就开喝吧，这么好的酒，我都馋了。」
我把酒打开，一边给欧阳倒酒一边说：「这次怎么破例了呢？」
欧阳看着酒杯里金黄的液体说：「其实我不是不喝酒，以前也常喝的，只是后来我发现自己一喝就多，并且喝多的样子十分不雅，才控制自己不再喝酒了。不过今天你是我的客人，又给我做了这么多好吃的，就陪你喝一点儿吧。」
我笑着说：「嗯，我才找到了一点客人的感觉。」
我给自己也倒上少半杯酒，像电影里演的那样捏着杯脚摇了摇，又放到鼻子下面闻了闻，橡木酒桶的味道很浓。对葡萄酒我一直都不太适应，不过能喝到纯正的xo很不容易，总要品味一下。
欧阳举起了酒杯，好像还沉浸在某种情绪里，对我说：「『盘飧市远无兼味，樽酒家贫只旧醅』，招待不周，请多多见谅。」
我一听这是杜甫的《客至》，心想你这么客气，我也要客气一下才好，于是放下酒杯，看着面前的米饭回到：「跪进凋胡饭，月光明素盘。令人惭漂母，三谢不能餐。」
欧阳露出了笑意，说：「我有荀媪那么老吗？。」
我说：「我也没有邻翁那么老嘛。」（我对的这首诗题目是《宿五松山下荀媪家》，而欧阳的诗下两句是「肯与邻翁相对饮，隔篱呼取尽馀杯」，所以才有此话。）
像是金庸笔下的武林高手过招一样，一招出手，就知道对方的功夫都不低。我们相视一笑，举起杯品了一口。味道怪怪的，并且酒精含量很高。我暗笑这么富有传奇色彩的酒，给我这个不懂洋酒也喝不惯洋酒的人喝，真是暴殄天物。
放下酒杯，欧阳说：「这要在古代，我们也算是文人吧。」
我说：「当然算啊，就你这学位在古代怎么也得是翰林学士院的啊。我估计也能溷进集贤院呢。」
欧阳说：「那你研究过没？为什么文人都喜欢喝酒呢？」
我想了想说：「这可能是由文人的阶级地位决定的。你看哪，政治经济学里讲到工人、农民、资本家、土地主，还有奴隶等等，就是没讲到知识分子。因为知识分子在历朝历代就只是统治阶级的附庸，是一种工具。各代文人虽然通过举荐和科举考试进入统治阶层，却只是皇族手中的棋子罢了。他们思想活跃却无法实践，意识超前却阳春白雪无人理解，还时常被皇帝身边的佞臣小人所排挤，李白就曾告诫过集贤院的那些兄弟『青蝇易相点，白雪难同调』。除此之外这些文人还像现在的『三陪小姐』似的经常被王公贵族们找去陪酒写诗做乐，有诗叫做『吟诗作赋北窗里，万言不值一杯水』，你说他们能不郁闷嘛！所以就时常借酒浇愁，用酒精麻醉自己。不过这样倒有个好处，给我们留下了不少好诗好词啊。」
欧阳举起酒杯说：「精辟精辟，你从政治上、思想上找到了文人爱酒的根源，我饮一杯。」说着把杯中酒喝掉。
她放下酒杯，我又给她倒了半杯，她也没推辞。
而是继续说到：「你说的有道理，不过你是从男人的角度来看文人与酒的。做为女人，我更喜欢从文人的性格上和情感上去寻找原因。我倒觉得文人锺情于酒，是因为他们太过浪漫，太过伤感，太过重情，太过顾影自怜，太过悲天悯人。他们说『且看欲尽花经眼，莫厌伤多酒入唇』，宁愿酒醉伤身，也不愿看到一片残春。他们说『巴陵无限酒，醉杀洞庭湖』，为了大好河山，又喝得烂醉。他们说『一生大笑能几回，斗酒相逢须醉倒』，朋友相聚，再次不醉无归。他们说『花间一壶酒，独酌无相亲』，一个人也能喝到『我舞影零乱』的地步。他们说『梦到故园多少路，酒醒南望隔天涯』，一夜思乡，醉得不省人事。他们说『闻琴解佩神仙侣，挽断罗衣留不住。劝君莫作独醒人，烂醉花间应有期。』一场离情别怨，又醉了多少痴男怨女啊。」
说到这里，似乎触动了欧阳的心事，她拿起酒杯，痛快的把酒乾了。
我不由得佩服欧阳的造诣，连声说：「说的好，说的好！你把酒与情、酒与诗、酒与人的交融缠绵说得太生动了。能和你这样有才情的女人一起喝酒，就算长醉不醒，又有何憾！」说着也把杯中的酒乾掉了。
欧阳脸色微红的说：「人都说文人相轻，我却非常欣赏你。你虽然从社会的最底层走上来，经历了很多人情冷暖，却依然怀着一颗率真的心。在机关里那么复杂的情况下，你一直固守着自己的本分和原则，不畏权势，有侠义之心。就说我们出去旅游那次吧，你打钱老大其实是为了救他，因为要是让桑仁老哥先动了手，钱老大很可能走不出那片草原。但是不会有人理解你，很多人还因此不敢接近你，你都默默的承受着。这太难得了。有你这样的同事和朋友，我感觉自己不但不再孤单，而且非常幸运。来，我敬你一杯！」她把杯子和我的轻碰了一下，然后一饮而尽。
我没有想到，真的会有人理解我在内蒙草原上的「鲁莽」和「不理智。」所有的人都当我喝多了酒，就是那些后来去看我的那些人也只是觉得我在打抱不平而已，可是欧阳却知道我的心。刹那间，我感觉自己的心被打开了，心头压抑了好久好久的苦闷找到了发泄出来的门，洪水一样的涌出来。也是在这个刹那，我明白了为什么很多人都说「理解万岁」，因为被人理解的感觉真的太让人激动。
我强压着汹涌的情绪，接过她的话说：「欧阳，都说人生得一知己足矣，平生当以同怀视之。我关某有你一个红颜知己，再无他求！来，为了你的一句『朋友』，我喝三杯！」说罢真的连喝了三杯。
欧阳的脸上彷佛罩上了一层温暖的颜色，她用明亮的目光看着我说：「关汉，不知道为什么，从认识你的那一天起，我就觉得我可以信任你，我们之间有很多话可以不说，因为我总觉得我们之间并不需要太多的语言。我自己知道我自己的问题，我太冷了，太傲了，因此我几乎没有朋友，也从来没有人能真正的接近我，好像也没有人愿意和一个二十七岁就读完了博士的女人做朋友，所以我一直觉得很孤独。二十八年了，从来没有一个人能让我视为『知己』，直到我遇见了你。」她举起酒杯说：「我喝不了三杯了，就陪你一杯吧，知己如同怀，希望我们永远都记得今夜的话。」说着把满满的一杯酒乾了。
我着实被欧阳感动了，一句话也没说，只是拿起酒瓶，把剩下的酒全灌进了肚子，然后轻轻的将空瓶放在了桌下。
欧阳吃惊的看着我说：「关汉，你倒底能喝多少酒啊？！」
我答到：「你一定读过《滑稽列传》吧？」
欧阳说：「怎么？你不会是和那个淳于髡一样吧？」
我哈哈笑着说：「我就是和他一样啊。」
欧阳也笑起来：「那我们现在这个样子应该算是『朋友交游，卒然相睹』吧，你现在应该已经喝醉才对啊。」
我辩到：「此言差矣，我们应该算『男女杂坐，目眙不禁』啊，所以喝这些才有几分醉而已。」
欧阳被我逗得哈哈大笑，说：「那你今晚要是留在我这，皆不是要喝酒无数！」
我笑道：「那当然了，就怕你舍不得酒啊。」
欧阳愤然到：「怎么会舍不得！『酒逢知己饮』已经很难得了，何况是与知己煮酒谈诗呢！」说罢到客厅又拿来一瓶xo，说到：「幸亏中国人讲究好事成双，连送xo都两瓶两瓶的。来来来，我们今天不醉不归！」
我真的被她的豪爽所感染，藉着酒力使劲一拍桌子大声到：「好！花前有酒且高歌，百年欢乐能几何！我们喝酒！」说着把酒启开自己倒上半杯喝掉了。
欧阳也道：「人生得意须尽欢，莫使金樽空对月。」说着也自己倒了小半杯乾了。
我接着说：「古来圣贤皆寂寞，唯有饮者留其名。」又喝了一杯。
欧阳再对：「人生达命岂暇愁，且饮美酒登高楼。」再次把酒喝了。
我再合：「酒不醉人人自醉，千杯饮尽刘伶愧。」又喝一杯。
欧阳好像有一点晕了，面色酡红的说：「拟把疏狂图一醉,对酒当歌,强乐还无味。衣带渐宽终不悔,为伊消得人憔悴。」说罢给自己倒了一满杯一饮而尽，但是饮罢欧阳就把头俯在餐桌上，不再抬起了。
我也感觉头非常晕，大概是喝外国酒还不太适应。看到欧阳俯地桌上不起来，我担心的问：「欧阳，你没事吧？」
欧阳没说话，过了一会儿头也不抬的说到：「两人对酌山花开，一杯一杯复一杯。我醉欲眠卿且去，明朝有意抱琴来。」
我酒性正浓，看她要赶我走，就耍赖到：「法国美酒郁金香，玉碗盛来琥珀光。但使主人能醉客，不知何处是他乡。」
欧阳抬起头醉眼迷离地看着我笑着说：「莫贪他乡金莲好，最是难舍旧钗环。你可别做负心郎啊，快快回家去吧。」
我回道：「丝桐尽，雪鬓齐，一朝零落香成泥。凝眸处，芳草凄，留连依依不忍离。我没有旧钗环，哪谈得上负心郎啊，今天我哪也不去，就陪你喝酒。」
欧阳嘻笑着抬起头的说：「你说错了关汉，这句本来是『留连依依却分离』的。」
我嘿嘿笑着说：「我才没错呢，有你在身边，谁舍得分离啊！」
这句话好像说到了欧阳的痛处，她忧怨地看着我说：「要是他也像你这样想就好了。有几个男人能为了女人而抛弃事业呢？唉，你们男人啊！难道真要让女人等到『丝桐尽、雪鬓齐』，才肯归来吗？」
她的话让我不知道如何应对了，我不知道对男人来说到底是女人重要还是事业重要，毕竟我还没面临过这样的选择。
欧阳长叹了一口气，伤感的吟到：「关山水，汉中来，看惯繁华终要回。欧阳美，牡丹醉，琵琶弹破劝君归。」
她将我的名字嵌到了诗里，继续让我回家。欧阳喝到这个样子，我要走了实在放心不下，于是我也照猫画虎的对道：「一醉深宵心一宽，汉水已踏万里关，若将此身随牡丹，历遍人间不愿还。」
欧阳终于支持不住，瘫在餐桌上说：「关汉，我服你了，我求求你走还不行吗？我不愿让你看到我喝多了的样子。」
我好奇的问：「你喝多是什么样子呢？」
欧阳俯在桌上没说话，过了半晌，当她再抬起头来的时候已经泪眼婆娑了。她用那双伤心欲滴的泪眼看着我说：「关汉，你现在不走会后悔的。」
可是她这个样子，我哪里还走得了呢。看着以前冷峻干练的冷美人像融化了的冰一样浸满悲伤的泪水，我不由得生出了强烈的爱怜。我不知道如何安慰她，不由自主地走过去挽住她的肩膀，嘴里只有一句：「别哭了……别哭了……」
欧阳把头靠在我胸前，呜呜的哭出了声。我轻轻拍着欧阳的背，陷入了沉默。
我不明白为什么每个人心中都有那么多无法说出的故事，都有那么多只有酒精才能融化的愁绪。
过了一会儿，欧阳止住了哭声，偎在我怀里说：「关汉，谢谢你。」我轻拍着她没有回答。
欧阳又说：「我问你一件事。」
我说：「什么事？」
欧阳说：「几年前我们一起唱卡拉ok的那次，你曾经把出租车的服务牌拿出来看过，你还得那辆车的牌号吗？」
我笑了，我对自己记忆力还是很有信心的。于是说出了一个车牌号，并补充说那个司机姓杨。
欧阳伸出双臂搂住了我的腰说：「关汉，我一直以为你当时只是假装关心一下。没想到你到现在还记得，你真是个又细心又体贴的男人。」
我叹了口气应到：「你要是真出了什么事，记得牌号又有什么用呢？那天我应该送你的。」
大概是酒劲儿上来了吧，欧阳的眼神更加迷离了，她摇晃着站起来说：「我喝多了，好困啊，扶我回房间好吗？」说着搂着我的脖子把头俯在我的肩上。
欧阳的样子让我心头一荡，我一把将她抱起来走向卧室。欧阳的身材很好，一点也不重，她闭着眼睛把脸贴在我肩上，细嫩的酥胸在睡衣里朦胧的半露着，在酒精的作用下透出澹澹的粉色。
我感觉一丝邪念在身体里蠢动，嘴唇也着了火似的乾燥起来。我把欧阳放在床上，她依然搂着我的脖子不放，我就顺势和她面对面的躺在了床上。她的嘴唇好像也因为燥热而显出弥漫的红色。好像是两块磁石在相互吸引，我们的唇慢慢靠近、接触、亲吻，身体也紧紧的粘在一起。我亲吻着她的嘴唇、耳朵、脖子，欧阳的手死命的搂着我，也同样忘情的吻着我。
正当我要进一步行动的时候，欧阳半梦半醒的呢喃道：「浩文……浩文……你别走……你别走……」
彷佛是一盆凉水泼在头上，我一下子清醒了，我知道了，欧阳心里真正想念的人叫「浩文。」我深深的吸了一口气，又慢慢的叹出来，强压着亢奋的情绪，轻轻的帮欧阳掩好睡衣，像哄孩子一样轻拍着欧阳的背，轻声说：「睡吧，欧阳，你太累了。」
也许在我说这话以前，欧阳就已经睡着了吧，她脸色绯红的的偎着我，睡的深沉而香甜。而我却比任何时候都清醒，眼睛睁得大大的，望着欧阳家的天花板。我恨自己为什么不真的喝醉。我想起了二美，想起了璐璐，想起了曹姐，璐璐现在怎么样了？谈恋爱了吗？二美还生我的气吗？为什么不肯接我的电话呢？曹姐的心里到底在想什么？她的眼神为什么那么难以捉摸呢？……
就这么胡思乱想着，不知过了多久，渐渐的窗帘外已露出了澹澹的晨曦。我把麻木的胳膊从欧阳头下抽出来，慢慢地熘下床，为她盖好被子就悄悄走出来。我不想让清醒了的欧阳尴尬。
I went to the kitchen, added extra water to the rice I made last night, and put it in the rice cooker. I also tidied up the table a bit. Before leaving, I curiously went to the TV and picked up a photo of Ouyang and that man named "Haowen." I noticed that Haowen was taller and more imposing than me, and his features did resemble mine somewhat, but he had a much better demeanor; he looked like someone with deep cultural knowledge. I couldn't help feeling a little jealous, and feeling quite disappointed, I opened the door and went out.
It was cold outside, and it had started snowing sometime earlier. The thick snow covered all the grime of the city, making it appear exceptionally quiet and pure. The streets were deserted. I wrapped my coat tightly around myself and hurried along, leaving a trail of messy footprints behind me.

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Shenyang, Don't Cry for Me - Chapters 33 and 34: Melting Ice

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