My Past Experiences 3. After the Glamour Fades, a Lonely Man Reflects

I stayed at home for several years and had many successful experiences during that time. However, as I worked harder in my career and studied more about psychology and the philosophy of mind, my pursuit of happiness and my life philosophy became quite different.
During that period, I could easily find targets online: bored and aloof respectable women, lonely housewives, curious young female students. I could easily strike up a conversation with a completely different, mischievous tone than usual, and the constant stream of smiley faces on the QQ window made me imagine the excited smirks on the other end. Sitting in front of the computer, I would often blush, feeling lonely and restless while arousing the desires of the person on the other end. Seeking pleasure had become a habit. My contact with my girlfriend dwindled; we'd often be holding our phones, unsure what to say, our worlds now worlds apart.
Or perhaps it's something deep within myself; perhaps I was raised to deny my own behavior, to feel a sense of impurity. Later, I reflected that while enjoying the pleasures of different bodies, I was also exploring the emptiness behind those pleasures, the confusion about life, and the distrust in marriage. As someone who studied psychology, I'm particularly sensitive to this. I don't believe in karma or reincarnation, but I genuinely understand that the trajectory of one's life is influenced by one's choices, and one can foresee the short-term future.
For a while, I stopped all activities and calmly reflected on myself, thinking about the partners I had been seeking. Although it was all consensual—some were respectable women, some were resentful wives, some were young girls—frankly, I always felt something was amiss. My goal was to find happiness; I don't know the impact or harm on the other person, but I know the impact on myself : if I continued like this, it would definitely affect my future life. I would develop doubts about my girlfriend, and after marriage, I would suspect my wife of infidelity. It's not that human nature is inherently evil, but rather that my own actions were punishing me. Heh, yes, it's better to be around positive energy.
If I had truly renounced worldly life, I wouldn't be posting here. My thoughts changed during that period, but the inertia of my body and my sexual urges couldn't be immediately suppressed. While working and studying diligently, I considered visiting prostitutes, but then I dismissed the idea. Without emotion, without communication, physical contact driven by self-interest is less appealing than my previous interactions; I wouldn't do anything without a trace of feeling.
Before this, I always treated the articles on 69.com as just high-energy content. But after thinking it through, I gained a deeper understanding of the older brother and sister-in-law relationship between couples. Simply put, they genuinely trust and understand each other, effectively releasing their desires without affecting their families or others, and further strengthening their bond. People who dare to face themselves are truly strong.
However, what's frustrating is that even after adjusting my mindset, I still run into the same old partners. I really want to be with a partner, feeling safe and secure, happy and joyful together, without any burdens. But since that's not the case, I'm not discouraged. I only know that as long as I'm prepared and good enough, everything will come. Single man, I'm here.

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My Past Experiences 3. After the Glamour Fades, a Lonely Man Reflects

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