I am bisexual

I was born in 1984 in a small county town in central China. I

was quite well-developed from a young age, tall and chubby, always sitting in the last row of the class.

I had excellent grades; I was class monitor in both elementary and middle school. My classmates generally perceived me as an easy-going, chubby guy, without any suspicion, nothing more.

In high school, I got into the best high school in the county. As soon as I entered high school, I suddenly lost weight, but my height remained the same—over 1.8 meters—and I still sat in the last row.

Because there was an odd number of students in the class, I was often assigned to sit alone in a corner of the classroom, rarely having a deskmate, and I was very isolated.

Xiaofei was my middle school classmate; we weren't in the same class in high school, but we lived in dorms very close to each other.

Xiaofei wasn't particularly handsome, with a lot of acne, but he was a master at picking up girls, with countless girlfriends. Many of my female classmates had some kind of relationship with him.

Later, I developed a crush on Qianqian from the next class, but having absolutely no experience with dating, I didn't know where to start. So I asked Xiaofei for advice...

Xiaofei would often come to my dorm to discuss strategies...

Later, he even slept in our dorm and we'd chat until late...

One night, Xiaofei asked me how often I masturbated.

I said every day...

Xiaofei said he did too, and always got the sheets dirty...

I was confused; how could masturbation get the sheets dirty?

Later I realized I'd been misunderstanding everything. I'd always thought touching my penis was masturbation, but it only counts when you ejaculate...

Seeing that I was all grown up and didn't even know what masturbation was, Xiaofei reached out and did it for me, and even made me do it for him...

So masturbation feels so good? Damn... How come I only learned this in high school? How innocent I am...

Later, Xiaofei and I would sleep together almost every day and masturbate...

And if Xiaofei suddenly didn't come to class one day, I couldn't concentrate in class the next day, I was restless, and my mind was always on it...

Damn, masturbating is so comfortable...

Encouraged by Xiaofei, I finally mustered up the courage to write a love letter to Qianqian and send it to her, even including a keychain as a token, saying that she would accept it if she agreed to be my girlfriend, and return it if she didn't...

Damn it, less than two hours later, the love letter and keychain were returned untouched...

I'm a very proud person, so I tore the love letter to shreds and threw it away, afraid that others would see it...

Later, I became more withdrawn, burying my head in my studies every day, and never thinking about picking up girls again...

At that time, I thought that once my grades improved, Qianqian would like me...

In my second year of high school, we had to choose between arts and sciences. I chose arts, and my dorm moved further away, so I gradually lost contact with Xiaofei.

But even after being assigned to a new class, the number of students was still odd. I still sat alone in the far corner of the classroom, no matter how others changed seats, I just wouldn't move, continuing to be an inconspicuous little nobody.
Back when I was in high school, the 21st century hadn't even arrived yet... So we did some mundane things that high school students today can't even imagine, like... making friends as brothers and sisters.

This kind of "brother and sister" dynamic usually happened because boys were rejected by girls, or girls had crushes on boys but were too shy to confess, or neither boys nor girls were being pursued, so they'd just flirt with someone, or use others as bait to cover their tracks.

In my second year of high school, I was in the arts class, and all the shy girls were assigned there... One girl named Xiaoying was especially extreme...

Xiaoying wasn't particularly attractive; she was short and chubby, with slightly bowed legs and a round face. But her parents were sent-down youth from Shanghai who came to our county during the Cultural Revolution, so she didn't speak our dialect (she deliberately didn't learn it). Her standard, somewhat affected Mandarin set her apart from us, making her seem superior to those of us who spoke rural Mandarin…

Then one day, Xiaoying suddenly came to me, this insignificant guy, wanting to be her older brother. After ruling out all other possibilities, I figured I was definitely just a pawn for her… As for who I was pawning for, I couldn't be bothered to think about it; I was just killing time anyway, so I agreed…

Xiaoying would occasionally mention to me that she now had two older brothers, both over 1.8 meters tall, the other surnamed Peng, in Class 7. Anyway, I didn't know him, so I let her be…

I studied hard and consistently ranked among the top students in my grade, hoping this would win Qianqian back. However, I later discovered that Qianqian didn't like studious students at all; she preferred the rebellious, bad-boy type. I had to give up.

However, in high school, good grades did attract some girls. For example, a girl in my class named Xiao Liang started pursuing me.

Xiao Liang was a tall, fair-skinned, and quite cute girl. She used to chat with me under the guise of asking math questions. Then, during a class seating arrangement change, Xiao Liang secretly suggested to the homeroom teacher that I move to the second-to-last row, becoming her deskmate.

This was my first time having a deskmate, and I didn't feel comfortable. The students in the last row often had their view blocked by me, so I didn't dare sit too straight during class; it felt very stifling. Also, Xiao Liang had a bad habit of secretly taking off her shoes to air her feet during class. Although her feet didn't smell, it wasn't a pleasant experience.

Not long after, I began to miss the quiet days of sitting alone in the corner of the classroom.

Xiao Liang would often bring me little things—erasers, pens, snacks, and so on. I was grateful to her, but I really didn't have any romantic feelings for her, especially when she asked me math questions barefoot.

Then one time, Xiao Liang said I wasn't like a man because of something.

I got angry, yelled at her, and she cried all afternoon. The next day she moved out and never spoke to me again. Later, she started dating a short, very unattractive boy in our class, and I, as I wished, moved back to the corner of the classroom, continuing to sit alone, continuing to be invisible.

Then, a school-wide men's basketball league suddenly made Peng Jiang famous.

This Peng Jiang was the tall, 1.8-meter-tall guy in Class 7 that Xiao Ying had mentioned, and I finally noticed his existence.

I'd never seen a guy as handsome as Peng Jiang. He was 1.83 meters tall, with a strong, slender build, delicate and well-proportioned features, and he played basketball incredibly well. He was practically a real-life version of Rukawa Kaede from *Slam Dunk*. That basketball league tournament drove almost every girl in school crazy for him. Peng Jiang became the talk of the town, and he was constantly being pointed at and whispered about like a minor celebrity. What was

even more admirable was that Peng Jiang wasn't arrogant. He was low-key and gentle, never haughty or disdainful, radiating a sunny and healthy aura that left a very good impression on me.

However, I never had the chance to get to know him. I only learned a lot about him from Xiao Ying. We'd known each other for a long time, almost like we'd known each other online. I could tell that Xiao Ying liked Peng Jiang, but he was currently too dazzling, and Xiao Ying was afraid of becoming the target of everyone's attention, so she carefully concealed this relationship.

I finally realized who I was being used as cannon fodder for. ...
In 2000, I was a senior in high school. That Christmas Eve, the school, in a rare act of kindness, allowed the graduating class to hold a dance to relax. We, who were feeling the pressure of the college entrance exam, erupted like a volcano, having a blast.

Xiaoying was the arts and culture representative for our humanities class, so naturally, she was in charge of our dance. She taught us the then-popular bunny hop, and the whole class lined up, hopping left and right, back and forth on the dance floor.

Later, Xiaoying suddenly pulled me away from the dance floor mysteriously, saying she needed to talk to me. I followed her to a corner of the classroom, and in the dim light, I saw Peng Jiang sitting there.

"Why is he here?" I asked Xiaoying.

"The science class's dance was really boring, and Peng Jiang was bored, so I brought him here to have some fun."

"Oh." I nodded, trying to appear calm, but couldn't help stealing glances at the handsome guy. His eyelashes were ridiculously long, casting a full shadow on his lower eyelids.

"He seems a little shy, why don't you take him to the dance floor?"

"Take him?" I pointed to myself in surprise. "I don't even know him.

" "Oh, you know him, and he knows you. I'll introduce you, and you'll be fine," Xiaoying said.

"Then why don't you take him yourself?"

"I have so many things to do! It's a deal! Please!" Without further ado, Xiaoying grabbed me and rushed to Peng Jiang to introduce us.

Later, Xiaoying started teaching Peng Jiang the bunny hop. Originally, it was just the two of them holding hands, but Xiaoying was afraid it would be too conspicuous and attract criticism from other girls, so I, the "cannon fodder," had to step in.

"Come on, you dance too!" Xiaoying shouted at me.

"You guys dance! It's not like I can't!" Even a "cannon fodder" has some self-respect, right?

"Come on, come on! Let's dance together!" Peng Jiang also reached out his hand to me. These two, really, why are they acting like teenagers having an affair, afraid of being discovered...?

Later, the three of us held hands and danced the bunny hop together...

Damn, Peng Jiang and I held hands on our very first day together... For a naive young girl like me experiencing first love, this was way too fast...

The day after the Christmas dance, I bumped into Peng Jiang in the school corridor...

At the time, I was carrying a bag of fruit my mom had brought (we were in a boarding school, only going home once a week), so I took out two oranges and abruptly handed them to Peng Jiang and his classmate. Peng Jiang looked up, saw it was me, and before he could even say thank you, I was already walking away...

And so, I began to enter Peng Jiang's social circle, or rather, I became involved with Peng Jiang and Xiao Ying...

Perhaps to avoid suspicion, Peng Jiang and Xiao Ying later liked to include me in everything they did. Whenever I had free time, I was almost always with them. If I didn't want to go, they would take turns trying to drag me along... I couldn't bear to refuse Peng Jiang, so I always shamelessly followed them...

Peng Jiang and Xiao Ying didn't dare to openly date, so they relied on me to pass notes. Every day, I would run back and forth between our class and Class 7 three to five times, helping them exchange messages. I don't know why I was so willing to do such a stupid thing for so long...

But if I asked Peng Jiang and Xiao Ying if they were actually dating, they would deny it without hesitation... Yet, Xiao Ying always smugly boasted about her good relationship with Peng Jiang... Everyone isn't blind or stupid; who doesn't know the truth?

In short, my relationship with Peng Jiang heated up rapidly within a month. Before long, I became Peng Jiang's best male friend. Aside from the ever-present Xiao Ying, Peng Jiang and I gradually became the most conspicuous pair of best friends on campus, because we were both around 1.84 meters tall, making it hard to go unnoticed.
After the winter break of my senior year, my mother, worried that the noise in the school dormitory would prevent me from studying, rented a small room for me near the school. She would come over during the day to cook for me and then go back home at night.

One day, I returned to my room after evening self-study, finished my homework, and was eating the eight-treasure porridge my mother had left for me. It was already past 11 pm when I suddenly heard a noise from the window.

At first, I thought it was a hallucination, but the pattering sound on the window continued, so I curiously went to investigate.

There was a blurry figure standing downstairs. Although I couldn't see clearly, I recognized Peng Jiang at a glance based on the outline.

Why was he looking for me so late?

I ran downstairs and opened the door for Peng Jiang. He rushed upstairs and into my room.

"I'm sleeping here," Peng Jiang said, sitting down on my bed.

"Why are you still out so late?" The school gates close at 11 pm, and it was already past 11 pm, so he probably couldn't get back to his dorm.

"I went online," Peng Jiang said.

"But I only have one single bed," I said.

"Just squeeze in! What's the problem?" Peng Jiang casually took off his shirt and went to the bathroom to shower, not being polite at all.

As a result, the two of us, big guys, slept on one single bed all night. It was really cramped; no matter how we slept, we were always touching.

Peng Jiang fell asleep quickly, but I couldn't sleep. What was going on? At that time, I had no concept of gay people. I just felt that sleeping together like this felt good, and Peng Jiang looked so handsome when he slept. His eyelashes fluttered in the moonlight; he really looked like a character from a comic book.

Peng Jiang was very playful and often sneaked out of school to go to internet cafes, making it impossible for him to return to the dorm. He used to have to climb over the wall to get in, but later he didn't even bother climbing anymore; wouldn't it be more convenient for him to just come find me? ...

Because Peng Jiang would come and sleep with me almost every day, I would habitually wait for him to throw stones at the window after evening self-study. If he didn't come one day, I felt something was missing, and I couldn't even sleep soundly. ...

Peng Jiang was still keeping a distant relationship with Xiao Ying. They would meet in a corner of the teaching building corridor, a very secluded place that only I knew about. ...

"What stage have you and Xiao Ying reached?" I asked Peng Jiang, who was lying next to me, one night.

"What stage?" Peng Jiang pretended to be clueless.

"What stage could it be?" I pressed, "Have you slept together?"

"I've only slept with you," Peng Jiang replied.

"Bullshit!" I said. "If you don't tell me the truth, I won't pass you notes anymore."

"I really didn't sleep with her," Peng Jiang said seriously.

"Then kissed?"

"No." "

Then held hands?" "

No." "

Damn! How long have you been together?"

"More than half a year, I guess?" "

More than half a year, and you haven't even held hands? You're kidding me!"

"I'm not lying to you."

"We're so close, and

you still won't tell me the truth." "Fine, don't believe me! Let's go to sleep!"

I don't know if it's because the bed is really too small, but sometimes we'd end up hugging each other while sleeping, but it didn't feel awkward at all. The next day, we'd wake up and act like nothing had happened.

Back then, kids in our small county were so innocent. We had no concept of homosexuality. Even the pure, innocent physical contact of our youth didn't breed any dirty thoughts...

We just felt like close brothers, enjoying being together. Xiaoying seemed quite pleased, bragging to everyone, "I have two brothers who are over 1.8 meters tall!" as if she had two pets...
I don't know why, before, sleeping with Xiaofei, we would naturally masturbate, but sleeping with Pengjiang, I had absolutely no such thoughts...

Is this what they call pure first love?

Anyway, Pengjiang and I kept sleeping together, and our relationship grew stronger. He would show me all the love letters girls wrote to him...

How crazy were high school girls? Pengjiang's desk, bicycle, lunchbox—almost everywhere you could imagine was stuffed with love letters. Once, an entire class of girls even wrote him a letter wishing him good luck on his mock exam, ending with a whole bunch of girls' signatures...

What I like about Peng Jiang is that despite his popularity, he remains a very low-key person. He's not talkative and never displays any arrogance.

Among the girls pursuing Peng Jiang, the most ardent and conspicuous was Xiao Qing. She was a year younger than us, very beautiful, and quite a popular figure at school.

Xiao Qing liked to wear white dresses and always styled her long, black hair into a side ponytail on the right side. The white dress and the side ponytail became her most recognizable image. Coupled with her cheerful personality, you could often hear her laughing heartily on campus; it was no wonder she attracted attention.

A girl with such a strong personality like Xiao Qing was loved by some and hated by others, but she remained true to herself. Although many boys pursued Xiao Qing, she only liked Peng Jiang.

For Xiao Qing, those sweet, sentimental tricks like writing love letters were beyond her. She was decisive and efficient, and she loved to abruptly block Peng Jiang's path, telling him directly that she liked him and wanted to be his girlfriend, often leaving Peng Jiang blushing and at a loss for words.

"Xiao Qing is prettier than Xiao Ying," I replied when Peng Jiang asked for my opinion.

"Then who do you think I should be with?"

"Damn it! You have to ask me that? I'm not a mind reader!"

"I trust you!" Peng Jiang said, sounding aggrieved.

"Then you should take Xiao Qing as your 'little sister'!" I replied casually.

Later, Peng Jiang actually listened to me and took Xiao Qing as his "little sister," while the title of "girlfriend" remained with Xiao Ying.

But I thought to myself, since Xiao Ying and Peng Jiang had never even held hands, what difference could there be between "little sister" and "girlfriend"?

I couldn't deny that I had absolutely no desire for Peng Jiang.

Because we were familiar with each other, Peng Jiang became even more unrestrained when we slept together. Sometimes he would only wear a pair of briefs and press himself tightly against me...

I could often feel the thick bulge of Peng Jiang's genitals pressing against me, and sometimes it would even get erect (erection in puberty doesn't need a reason, it doesn't necessarily mean he had any feelings for me). I was very curious and wanted to touch it... My mindset at the time was that I wanted to see if Peng Jiang's penis was bigger than Xiao Fei's...

However, I was very timid. Every time I cautiously reached out my hand, I felt my heart pounding in my throat even before I touched it. Several times I hovered my hand above his underwear, unable to put it down, and I felt a lot of psychological pressure, always feeling like a pervert...

At that time, I had no idea that two men could have an intimate relationship or even a romantic relationship like men and women. I just thought that masturbating was a kind of brotherly entertainment activity, which was the idea that Xiao Fei initially instilled in me...

When I slept with Peng Jiang, my thoughts became increasingly complicated. Sometimes, even when I had no romantic feelings for him, Peng Jiang would suddenly and intentionally "seduce" me... For example, in the middle of the night, he would roll over and hug me, his face close to my ear, his breath making my ear ticklish and tingly... It felt like it was impolite of me not to have any inappropriate thoughts about him...

Apart from a few times when I touched Peng Jiang through his underwear (actually, it wasn't really touching; this coward mustered up the courage to put my hand on it, but then I didn't dare move until he moved, at which point I quickly pulled away as if I'd been electrocuted), we didn't have any further intimate contact...

And I couldn't see Peng Jiang's attitude towards this. Logically, he should have sensed it to some extent, but he still came to sleep with me every day without hesitation... Neither initiating nor rejecting...

Seriously, buddy, you have so many girls chasing after you, and two close "sisters," yet you sleep with another man every day as a virgin, letting him molest you. What kind of behavior is that?

One night, Peng Jiang didn't show up as usual. I was a little disappointed, thinking he'd probably stay in his dorm and hadn't gone out to play outside the school. ...

I lay restless in bed. Around midnight, Peng Jiang's voice suddenly rang out the window, shouting my name. I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to help him up so as not to disturb anyone. ...

This guy was dead drunk. No wonder he didn't throw stones at the window this time. ... Or maybe he missed for a while and that's why he got angry and started yelling (he usually doesn't have that guts). ...

I helped Peng Jiang to the bedside, and he plopped down on it, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck. I had to bow deeply to face him. Wow! His eyelashes are gorgeous! How do they grow so long?

"Let go, my neck hurts!" I tried to pry his hands off, but he only tightened his grip.

"What do you think of me?" Peng Jiang suddenly asked.

"I think you're pretty good," I replied honestly.

"So, do you like me?"

What kind of question is that? "Okay, okay, I like you, I like you..."

"Really?"

"What's wrong with you today?"

I tried to break free, but Peng Jiang grabbed me and started crying, tears and snot streaming down my shoulder like a clueless three-year-old.

"Xiao Ying said she wants to break up with me..."

Just because of that? I rolled my eyes inwardly. Seriously, you're the most popular guy in school, have some self-respect! Xiaoying's circumstances, is it really worth you being so heartbroken over her? Does drinking cost money? Don't you have enough allowance?

"Don't be sad, there are plenty of fish in the sea," I said, making no attempt to salvage their relationship. I've always felt Xiaoying and Peng Jiang are a terrible match. I don't know what's wrong with Peng Jiang's taste; so many beautiful women he doesn't want, yet he insists on a girl even I wouldn't like.

"But I miss her so much..." Peng Jiang murmured, smacking his lips against my shoulder.

Pathetic! I took a deep breath and forcefully pulled away from him. He lay down on the bed, still crying his eyes out, looking utterly pitiful.

I peeled a banana for him, and he fell asleep after eating half of it.

That night, Peng Jiang held me very tightly. The next morning, when he woke up, he saw the half-eaten banana on the table and asked who ate it. I immediately regretted it so much I was pounding my chest in despair. If I'd known you were so drunk last night you wouldn't remember anything, I should have boldly explored every inch of your body! But why was I so honest and naive? I actually slept with you the same way as before, missing my chance...

A few days later, I saw Peng Jiang and Xiao Qing together on campus. Xiao Qing finally got her wish, and her face was always beaming like a sunflower, her arrogance even stronger, as if she was always showing off.

"Do you like Xiao Qing?" I found an opportunity to ask Peng Jiang.

"Of course I do, why wouldn't I like a beautiful girl?" Peng Jiang replied.

"Don't deceive Xiao Qing's feelings just to make Xiao Ying jealous..."

"I didn't!"

"Did you sleep together?"

"No..."

"What about kissing?"

"No..."

"What about holding hands?"

"No..."

"Okay... just

pretend I didn't say anything..." Sure enough, as I expected, Peng Jiang and Xiao Qing only spent a short time together before breaking up. Peng Jiang still loved Xiao Ying; after all, Xiao Ying was the girl who had silently stood by his side before he became famous throughout the school, and naturally, there was a special feeling that Xiao Qing's beauty could not replace. So when Xiaoying asked Pengjiang to get back together, he resolutely dumped Xiaoqing.

Heartbroken, Xiaoqing came to me. She knew Pengjiang and I had a good relationship, and that he was willing to listen to me, so she asked me to persuade him to change his mind.

But I said I was powerless. If I really had that kind of power, I would have made Pengjiang give up on Xiaoying long ago. Besides, do you know I'm your biggest "love rival"? You actually came to me for help? This is like Pleasant Goat asking Red Wolf to kill Gray Wolf—how could that be possible? Xiaoqing cried

her heart out in front of me. Any other guy with less self-control would have already taken advantage of such a beautiful school beauty. But I adhered to the ancient saying, "One should not covet one's brother's wife," and even though she was just a nominal ex, it wouldn't be good to explain to Pengjiang. So I had to let it go and send Xiaoqing away.

Peng Jiang has two older sisters. I don't know much about his eldest sister, but his second sister and brother-in-law run an internet cafe in the county town. Whenever I can't contact Peng Jiang, I go to his second sister's internet cafe; I'm pretty sure I can find him there, because he spends all his free time playing games. His second sister spoils him; she gives him money

whenever he asks. On weekends, I go to his second sister's internet cafe to "get him out." We always go out for late-night snacks in the county town, stroll around, sit on the curb

, and talk about random things. His second sister says that only I can pull him away from the computer. "Sometimes I really don't know why I have a girlfriend," Peng Jiang suddenly said to me once, as we were eating barbecue skewers and watching the cars go by on the street.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I think having a girlfriend is really boring. Sometimes it feels like it's just for show. Because everyone else has one, I feel embarrassed not to."

"Then just get one! You have nothing to lose!"

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?"

"I want to study hard and get into university!"

"What a good kid! No wonder I'm not doing well in school."

"You're not bad either! I can't even get a girlfriend!"

"How could that be? You're much better than me in every way, you just don't want to pursue her, right?"

"Damn! What are you talking about?" I took a big bite of my kebab and boasted, "If a girl pursues me like she pursued you, I'll say yes without hesitation!"

As it turned out, my words came true. Not long after, Xiao Qing confessed her feelings to me.

"Let's date!" Xiao Qing was still as decisive as ever.

"Who wants to date you?" By then, I was fairly familiar with Xiao Qing and knew she wouldn't mind, which is why I dared to be so direct.

"I'm serious." Xiao Qing suddenly became very serious, which startled me.

"Are you kidding me?" You were with Peng Jiang first, then with me? Don't you feel the difference is too great?

"I'm not kidding."

"No."

"Why not?"

"No means no!"

Although compared to the dazzling Peng Jiang, I was just an unremarkable, book-obsessed nobody at school, I couldn't willingly be Peng Jiang's substitute...

I'm not stupid... Don't I know that Xiao Qing wanted to be with me to get closer to Peng Jiang, hoping to regain some ground...

Unfortunately, there was no way... I couldn't fall for her "honey trap"...

Senior year passed quickly. Unfortunately, to everyone's disappointment, Peng Jiang and I maintained an ambiguous relationship that went beyond friendship but never crossed that final line...

Peng Jiang wasn't the type to take the initiative with me, and I was a naive newbie back then... This bittersweet, almost elusive feeling, akin to first love, allowed me, a bookworm who had always only known how to bury myself in books, to discover a different kind of joy beyond studying.

And, unexpectedly, I, who had previously been unremarkable, suddenly became somewhat famous at school, because everyone knew I was the most trusted person by the famous Peng Jiang's side.

Although I didn't get into my first-choice university, I was still admitted to a top-tier university in the provincial capital, B city, with excellent grades. Peng Jiang, because he spent all his time in internet cafes playing games outside of school during his senior year, finally failed his exams and decided to repeat a year.

During the last summer vacation of our senior year, Peng Jiang and I were still inseparable. He would take me for rides around the county town on his little motorcycle, and sometimes if we stayed out too late to go home, he would take me to his house to sleep.

Peng Jiang lives by the river in a simply decorated three-story house in a dark alley. The first and second floors are almost unfinished; the third floor is where his family lives.

Because Peng Jiang's two older sisters are married and his parents spend most of their time in the countryside taking care of his grandfather, he's usually alone at home. Although his house is large with many rooms, he still lets me sleep in the same bed with him, saying he wants me to keep him company and chat.

"So, are you still planning to be with Xiao Ying?" I asked Peng Jiang. Xiao Ying's college entrance exam results weren't very good, and she's planning to repeat a year. Xiao Ying doesn't live in the county town; she went home for summer vacation.

"I don't know, we'll see," Peng Jiang said indifferently.

"Peng Jiang..." Once, I suddenly called his name very affectionately, the sound startling even myself.

"Hmm? What's wrong?" Peng Jiang turned to look at me, his bright eyes shining even in the darkness. Thinking that

I wouldn't be able to see him as often after I went to university, I couldn't help but feel a little sad: "Actually, I really like you."

"I like you too," Peng Jiang replied indifferently. This made me feel awkward, unsure of what to do next.

"Damn it! Are you an idiot?! How disgusting!" I slapped him.

"Damn it! Didn't you say that first, you idiot?" Peng Jiang said innocently.

"You just parrot whatever I say? What if I said 'Peng Jiang is an idiot'?"

"Fuck! You're the idiot..."

Anyway, we kept arguing like this, until we fell asleep.

My senior year of high school, filled with the flavor of Pengjiang, ended without me even realizing it. Because of him, I will always remember the shape of the sunlight that year, his bright smile under the sun, and the warmth of him sleeping in my arms at night. He even shaped my aesthetic standards for men; in the days that followed, I found any boy who looked like him handsome, and anyone who didn't...

Of course, my story with Pengjiang was far from over...

In September 2001, I left my hometown, a small county where I had lived for seventeen years... and came to City B, stepping into the gates of university...

After entering university, it felt like I had entered a completely new world...

I realized that studying wasn't the whole point of school, that boys and girls could date so openly, and that teachers wouldn't care if I slept in class...

I suddenly realized that my worldview had been completely overturned. Like a frog in a well that had accidentally jumped out, I felt lost, confused, yet filled with a strong sense of novelty...

Peng Jiang, whom I wouldn't see for the time being, was quickly put out of my mind. It was as if he belonged only to my small hometown, a place I couldn't take with me, and there were many more new things waiting for me to discover...

Military training had only ended two days prior, and I finally had a chance to properly explore the campus. Seeing such a large library for the first time, I ran in and borrowed a few novels that interested me with my student card...

As I was carrying the books downstairs, a girl suddenly blocked my way...

"What books did you borrow?" The early autumn weather was still hot. The girl wore a white dress, her long, straight black hair cascading down her back. Without a single pleasantry, she went straight to the point, as if we were old friends, but after a careful recollection, I barely remembered her face...

"Ah... just these..." I frantically showed her the books...

"Oh... you like reading novels?" The girl casually flipped through the books I had borrowed and asked softly.

"Ah...ah..." The girl wasn't exactly beautiful, but she had delicate features and a gentle, understated elegance that reminded me of lilies. I was speechless for a moment, unsure what to say, and could only nod awkwardly.

"Okay...I'll be going then..." Before I could even process what was happening, the girl said goodbye and left. Watching her faint figure disappear at the top of the stairs, I suddenly realized I hadn't even had a chance to ask her name.

How pathetic of me! I was so easily frightened by a girl's advances.

For a long time afterward, the girl in the white dress didn't reappear, and I gradually forgot about her. Until one day, while surfing the internet at an internet cafe, she suddenly reappeared before me, still wearing the white dress, still with her hair down, as if she had suddenly jumped out of another dimension.

"Can I switch seats with you?" Again, no pleasantries, straight to the point.

I looked up and saw her, and froze again.

"You remember me, right?" the girl asked.

"I...I remember..." I stammered. "

There's an old man over there harassing me. Can I switch seats with you?" she pleaded.

"Oh...oh...okay..." I couldn't refuse, and somewhat confusedly switched seats with her. Sure enough, a sleazy-looking old man was sitting next to me, legs crossed, smoking and making a mess.

When I finished browsing the internet and went to pay, the girl in the white dress was gone, as if she'd never been there.

At first, I didn't think much of it, assuming she was just a new classmate trying to make friends. But her elusive and mysterious behavior suddenly piqued my curiosity. Who was she?

With no clues about her, I had no idea how to find her except by waiting for her third appearance.

I secretly told myself that if she appeared before me again, I would bravely talk to her, at least to ask her name.

Time quickly passed to December, and our class wanted to organize a Christmas activity. The class monitor called on everyone to go out and sell balloons to raise funds.

Two other classmates and I were selling balloons in front of the third teaching building.

During recess, many students poured out of the building. Our business was good; many students came to buy, and I was extremely busy.

"I want four balloons..." I heard a familiar voice, looked up, and sure enough, it was her.

"Okay...okay..." I quickly lowered my head, inwardly cursing myself. Didn't I say I was going to be brave? Why am I such a coward? Have I no backbone?!

"Can I have four purple ones?" she requested.

"Okay...okay..." I didn't dare look her in the eye, silently rummaging through the balloon pile and pulling out two purple balloons. "Sorry, we only have two purple ones left."

"Ah? Only two left?" she said, somewhat disappointed. "Will you still be here tomorrow?"

"We should...be..." I answered cautiously.

"Okay! I'll buy these two first, and you can bring me two more purple ones tomorrow..." She bought the two purple balloons, and when I finally came to my senses, I realized that my two classmates were looking at me with mischievous grins. ...

Damn it! How could I forget to ask her name again! ...

"She must like you, but she's too shy to confess," the chubby guy in the dorm across from mine concluded after analyzing the white-skirted girl's various strange behaviors. ... Actually, he'd never been in a relationship himself, yet he'd unwittingly become my love advisor. ...

"Really?" I lacked confidence. I couldn't think of anything about myself that could attract girls. If good grades were an advantage in high school, that advantage was practically useless in college. ... Besides, Qianqian had ruthlessly trampled on that advantage before. ... In the end, I could only think of one thing: maybe it's because I'm tall?

"Of course! You're lucky, kid! Go and win her over!" Fatty said, then jumped and grabbed my neck. He often liked to tease me like this, without considering his weight or my feelings. I almost suffocated from his choking and struggled to throw him aside.

"Win her over? How?" I coughed and asked back, "I can't even find a trace of her."

"Think about it, did you see her anywhere else after that?" Fatty asked like Sherlock Holmes, finally finding some amusement in his boring college life.

"Hmm..." I thought for a moment, "She did appear a few times later, but we didn't talk. She always attacked from behind, and by the time I noticed, she was already far away, leaving only her back view..."

"She must be a girl from our college..." Fatty concluded.

"How do you know?" I felt like he was just guessing.

"Because you almost always run into her around our student dorms, and those dorms only house girls from two colleges... Besides ours, the other is the science and engineering college... They already have few girls, so the chances of finding a beauty are extremely slim..." Fatty explained smugly, as if he'd really caught a dead mouse.

"Our college? That definitely isn't our major," I interrupted Fatty. Our college only has two majors in total. My major, A, has two classes, while Fatty's major, L, has five. In freshman year, our A1 and A2 classes were combined with L4 and L5 classes for large political lectures, so I knew all the students in those four classes; that person wasn't there.

"Then it might be from class L1, L2, or L3..." Fatty quickly chimed in, afraid I'd steal his credit.

"Could you try to find out for me?" My intuition suddenly told me Fatty's analysis might actually be right.

"I'll give it a try..." Because Fatty was in class L5, which was closest to our dorm, he hung out with the students in our major every day and wasn't very familiar with the students in L1, L2, and L3. But at least they were in the same major, so it was easier than me asking around.

"Brother, it's all up to you!" I pinned all my hopes on Fatty. Although, well, he wasn't exactly reliable.

"You little rascal, if you succeed, you have to treat me to a big meal!" Fatty jumped up and pounced on me again, this time not only wrapping his arms around my neck but also planting a big kiss on the cheek.

How could someone with such a large body jump so lightly? I practically rubbed my face raw, but I could still smell Fatty's drool. Damn, that guy stinks!

Fatty, all talk and no action, is hopeless. It's too late now; he still hasn't found out anything. He's always broke by the end of the month, only able to eat steamed buns and drink plain water, and he never wants to borrow Lao Gan Ma chili sauce from me again.

As for the girl in the white dress, I'll have to figure something out myself.

There's a row of display windows in the student dormitory area, used to showcase group activities of each class. One day, I suddenly noticed that every class in the L major had a group photo in the window. I paid special attention and, sure enough, I recognized her immediately in the L1 class photo, even though she was hiding in the last row, only her eyes showing timidly.

Below the photo were the corresponding classmate names; I finally learned her name was Lily.

To get closer to Lily, I started skipping classes. Even if it wasn't a large class, I'd go if Class L1 was there...

Lily was always late for class. At first, I couldn't figure out her habits, and I always found a seat too far away from her, only managing to move there in the second period. Later, I gradually got to know her, figuring out which area of the classroom she usually sat in, and I was pretty accurate, at least enough to make her notice me in a classroom of hundreds...

Lily always had a close friend, Xiaoyun, by her side. Xiaoyun was a girl with a very sour face when she wasn't smiling, who seemed unapproachable and loved to gossip about boys...

The first time Lily saw me, this uninvited guest, in their classroom, she wasn't surprised at all. She just smiled and nodded at me naturally, as if everything was expected...

Sometimes, when all five classes of our major had a large lecture together, my familiar classmates from classes 4 and 5 would appear. One of them, nicknamed "Little K," was someone I got along with quite well. He had fair skin and was tall, but unfortunately, he looked a bit like Ge You (a famous Chinese comedian), which meant he didn't have many opportunities to pursue a girlfriend. He often daydreamed

, which made him seem rather sleazy. "Hey, hey, do you see that girl in the front row? The one in the purple dress..." Little K whispered to me during class once. I looked in the direction he was pointing, and there was Lily—I forgot to mention, Lily didn't only wear white dresses; she also wore other colors.

"I saw her, what's up?" My heart skipped a beat, and I quickly had a bad feeling.

"What do you think about me pursuing her?" Sure enough, Little K confessed.

"How would I know?" I said noncommittally. "I'm not a mind reader..."

"I dreamed about her last night..." Little K told me furtively.

"What did you dream about?" I asked.

"She was giving me oral sex..."

Ugh! Just imagining that perverted scene made me want to throw up... From then on, I stayed far away from Xiao K. Of course, he only talked about it; I wish he actually dared to pursue her... I didn't see him as a threat at all...

However, Xiao K's words did make me a little alarmed. It turned out I wasn't the only guy eyeing Lily. If I didn't step up my offensive, someone else would definitely beat me to it...

Speaking of which, despite attending so many classes in the L major, I hadn't even spoken a few words to Lily. Xiao Yun was always around her, and I always felt like Xiao Yun was looking down on me, making me incredibly nervous. I already had little experience with girls, and having a "gatekeeper" like this by my side when I had a girl I liked made me even more helpless; I simply didn't know what to say...

How could I get rid of this damn Xiao Yun? Damn it!

One day at lunchtime after school, the weather was nice, and I was walking leisurely towards my dormitory when I suddenly caught a glimpse of someone standing up and waving vigorously at me from the roadside. I looked closely and saw it was Lily! I quickly greeted her with a smile...

This time, Lily wasn't with Xiaoyun, but she was with several stylish and individualistic boys. They seemed even more arrogant and haughty than Xiaoyun. I greeted them warmly, but they all responded with indifferent looks, making me feel incredibly awkward...

"What are you doing here?" To ease the awkwardness, I quickly turned to Lily and spoke...

"Selling bootleg CDs..." Lily pointed to a small stall in front of her, covered with colorful records of all kinds. At the time, I had no idea what bootleg CDs were, and I wondered who would buy these cheap records? But I didn't dare ask, afraid of revealing my ignorance... I still had to maintain some dignity...

"Oh..." I nodded, seemingly understanding, "You're quite the businessman..."

"It's not my business, it's a friend's. I just came to hang out..." Lily glanced at the boys around her, and compared to them, she felt like a complete country bumpkin. Suddenly, I understood why Qianqian rejected me. If I were a girl, I would also choose those guys with personality and a slightly mischievous streak... Lily probably thought similarly to Qianqian, right? I suddenly felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders...

"You like listening to English songs?" I casually flipped through the European and American records on the stall, which I knew absolutely nothing about, and continued asking questions, trying to find a topic I could relate to.

"Yeah... they're really good..." Speaking of records, Lily immediately perked up, rattling off a list to me, "This one's punk, this one's heavy metal... I love them all..."

I picked up one record and looked at it, then another, seemingly understanding, but my mind was actually blank.

"Hey, that's right!" Lily suddenly remembered something. "Why don't you buy a few to listen to?"

"Me?" I knew I'd dug my own grave. "But I don't have a CD player..."

"Isn't summer vacation coming up soon?" Lily wouldn't give up. "You can take them home to listen to. You have a DVD player, right?"

"Yes..." I answered honestly. It seemed there was no escaping it.

"That's fine then, a DVD player can play them..." Lily started rummaging through the pile of records. "Let me pick out a few for you..."

"I don't like listening to anything too loud..." As soon as I said that, I regretted it.

"Okay, I'll pick out a few light rock tracks for you..." Lily was cooperative, but I thought to myself, this girl listens to heavy metal and punk, and I, a tall guy, listen to light rock? Lily probably looks down on me.

"How much?" I asked.

"20 each, 50 for three," Lily replied.

"I'll buy one and try it out..."

“Okay.” Lily suddenly leaned closer and whispered to me, “But… if you buy three, I’ll treat you to dinner in a few days…”

“Then I’ll buy three!” I answered readily. For Lily’s dinner, I figured I’d have to eat plain steamed buns for a week, and without any Lao Gan Ma chili sauce…

Lily picked out three CDs that looked better and handed them to me, rattling off a whole bunch of explanations, which I didn’t understand a word of! Whatever! …

“Hey, by the way, are you sure these lousy CDs will play?” After saying goodbye to Lily, I took a few steps away, then suddenly remembered a big question and quickly turned back to ask. …

“Don’t worry! They’ll definitely play…” Lily replied. … I felt the guys next to me were silently rolling their eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Then... okay... I believe you..." I sheepishly left with the CD, but after a few steps, I turned back and waved to Lily, looking particularly reluctant to part.

Thinking about it now, how could I have been so cowardly? Lily was probably holding back her punches the whole time she was talking to me, right?

Actually, not long after starting university, I learned about homosexuality online. After all, with so much internet access, information on this topic was everywhere; it was hard not to know.

Seeing pictures of handsome, naked boys online would give me sexual urges, especially the delicate, pretty, and well-behaved type. But at the time, I didn't think of myself as gay at all. I even thought it was just a human instinct—the instinct to appreciate beauty, just like many girls like to look at beautiful women naked, and it didn't mean anything.

As for my relationship with Peng Jiang, I never even considered classifying it as a homosexual relationship. How could that be? Peng Jiang and I were clearly just friends, how could we be a couple?

So later, while I was madly pursuing Lily, I was also secretly watching handsome guys masturbate online, and I didn't feel any conflict at all...

When I was a freshman in college, Peng Jiang was repeating his senior year of high school in his hometown... We rarely contacted each other that year, occasionally bumping into each other online, exchanging a few pleasantries before ending the conversation, and suddenly I didn't know what to say to him...

Ahua was the most unique among my junior high school classmates. He was thin and small

, but very alluring. Yes, that's right, a very alluring boy. He liked to sway his hips when he walked, and he used a lot of hand gestures when he talked... I remember once in junior high, Ahua and I were walking on the street when a good friend of my mother saw us and secretly told my mother that I was dating, "walking very intimately with a girl, and that girl was quite flirtatious," which almost made my mother furious...

Classmates often joked in private that Ahua liked boys, but he never admitted it, and I never saw him flirting with any boys, so the classmates were just joking around... Faced with such questions, Ahua would usually respond with a famous saying: he was "pure and

flawless," and had no improper relationships with anyone, whether male or female.

Ahua and I were good friends, but after high school, he went to a school in the next county, so we spent less time together. However, he still knew a lot about me, including a handsome friend named Peng Jiang, but he never had a chance to meet him.

Later, Ahua also repeated his senior year of high school and returned to our county, attending the same school as Peng Jiang.

"Is Peng Jiang still famous at school?" During my first winter break in college, I went back and met up with Ahua for a meal. I casually inquired.

"Sort of..." Ahua answered absentmindedly, constantly stirring his milk tea.

"What do you mean 'sort of'?" I was dissatisfied with the answer. "Aren't you the most informed?"

"Oh, I don't care about him..." Ahua pouted.

"Handsome guy...aren't you interested?" I retorted.

"Why would I care about a handsome guy?" Ahua rolled his eyes deliberately. "Besides, is Peng Jiang really that handsome?...Someone in our class (I really can't remember the name) is much more handsome, right?...He sits diagonally in front of me..." Blah blah blah...

"Okay, okay..." I quickly interrupted him, because he often got carried away while talking and didn't care whether I could join in. "Is Peng Jiang still with Xiaoying?...You know Xiaoying, right?" "

Of course I know her. They're in the same class..." Ahua said. "Hey...aren't you close to Peng Jiang? Why are you asking me? Why don't you just ask him directly?"

"I can't find him. Forget it, I'm too lazy to ask him..." For some reason, after graduating from high school, there seemed to be an invisible barrier between Peng Jiang and me. I couldn't just look for him whenever I wanted, or say whatever I wanted anymore... Perhaps it's because we haven't seen each other for so long that there's a bit of a sense of estrangement...

"Oh, oh, oh, you say I care about handsome guys, but actually you're the one who cares, aren't you?" Ahua chuckled. "I don't understand either, Xiaoying is so ugly, and she talks so pretentiously, how could Peng Jiang fall for her?" Ahua has always been very direct, cutting to the chase...

"Yeah... I don't understand either..." Actually, Xiaoying hasn't offended me; after all, I used to be one of her "brothers," but for some reason, hearing others speak ill of her makes me feel a little smug...

"Xiaoqing is great! So pretty, and with such a generous personality! If I were Peng Jiang, I would have chosen Xiaoqing long ago!" Ahua suddenly said, indignantly...

"Huh? You know Xiaoqing?" I asked in surprise, and then I remembered that Xiaoqing is a year below us, currently a senior in high school...

"How could I not recognize her? She's a real beauty... What a pity... such a tragic figure... She lost to someone like Xiaoying, it's such a shame... You must try to persuade Peng Jiang if you get the chance..."

Ahua kept babbling on and on, while I kept my head down, drinking my milk tea, and didn't say anything more. I felt Ahua knew way too much...

During my first summer vacation, I took the three bootleg CDs that Lily had "forced" me to buy home and played them on repeat on the DVD player every day. Although it was light rock, it was still very noisy, and my dad almost smashed the player... My

classmates who were repeating their senior year had all finished the college entrance exam, and they could finally relax and have some fun... I started hanging out with Peng Jiang again...

I hadn't intentionally contacted him, but our county is so small. We bumped into each other at the entrance of an internet cafe, and decided to stop using the internet and go eat together...

Eating familiar food at a familiar little shop, Peng Jiang seemed to be in a good mood, talking to me incessantly, rambling on and on. I didn't listen carefully, but I noticed he wouldn't mention Xiao Ying, Xiao Qing, or any other girls in front of me.

Moreover, I also noticed that Peng Jiang only talked a lot in front of me; the moment a third stranger was present, he would immediately become "mute," not uttering a sound.

That day we played until very late, and Peng Jiang wouldn't let me go home, asking me to sleep at his house. Without much thought, I agreed; after all, we'd slept together so many times, it would be too awkward to refuse.

We slept in the same bed, of course, because his house was by the river, and the river breeze blowing in from the window was very cool, so we didn't turn on the fan. We were both only wearing underwear, and Peng Jiang's head was very close to mine.

I couldn't sleep, so I turned to look at Peng Jiang's face; his breath brushed against my neck, tickling me. Suddenly, I really wanted to kiss him.

I slowly leaned closer, my heart pounding faster and faster, pausing several times, worried that if he found out, he'd think I was a pervert and we wouldn't even be friends anymore. But the urge to kiss him was so strong, so incredibly strong, that I finally touched his lips—soft, plump...

Suddenly, Peng Jiang stirred, startling me. I quickly jumped back, pretending to be asleep... I thought he was just turning over, but he sat up abruptly. I felt like I'd just killed someone; my heart was in my throat...

"Who turned off the fan?" Peng Jiang asked groggily...

"Huh? What?" My mind

went blank... "It's so hot... why did the fan turn off?"

"Oh... oh..." He wasn't asking about the kiss, so I was temporarily relieved. "I don't know..."

Peng Jiang got up, turned the fan back on, and lay back down... I breathed a sigh of relief, and after that, I dared not make any further moves. But the fan was clearly never turned on, didn't he know that? ...

That summer, Ahua would also hang out with us, after all, Ahua and Pengjiang were classmates. ...

Actually, besides eating, drinking, and chatting, there really wasn't much to do in this small county town. ...

"Pengjiang likes you..." Once, the three of us were sitting at a roadside barbecue stall when Pengjiang had to leave temporarily because of something at home. Ahua, while gnawing on a chicken leg, suddenly said to me. ...

"Huh? What did you say?" I wondered if there was something wrong with my hearing. ...

"Peng, Jiang, likes, you!" Ahua repeated to me, word by word. ...

"Bullshit!" I reflexively shouted. ...

"I can tell..." Ahua's tone was quite certain. ...

"You can tell my ass..." I disagreed, how could Pengjiang possibly like me? ...

“If you don’t believe me, fine… Anyway, the way Peng Jiang looks at you is different from how he looks at others…” Ahua continued to explain, “How so? When he looks at you, his eyes light up…”

“Light up my ass! Watch too much TV, huh? Eat your chicken leg!”

After summer vacation, Ahua went to Xi’an to study at university, while Peng Jiang came to my city, B, to study at a vocational college.

Peng Jiang and I were studying in the same place again, but for some reason, we didn’t keep in touch much at first. It seemed that our ambiguous relationship only existed in our small hometown; it didn’t seem to apply elsewhere.

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