Xiao Lou's Memoirs 0102

Chapter One:
My name is Yu Xiaolou, I am twenty-eight years old.
This is a memoir
, or to borrow a phrase from Lu Xun, I am writing this "for the sake of forgetting..."
But what am
I forgetting? And what am I commemorating?
I'm not a revolutionary, nor do I have a particularly exciting life
. In short, I'm just an ordinary person.
Walking down the street during the day, I'm just like any other ordinary person
. Lying in bed at night, I'm just like any other lonely person…
But I just want to reminisce about something.
It's an inexplicable compulsion
, like how Xiaoqian suddenly betrayed me back then—it made no sense at all…
Xiaoqian was my first love. We met in high school. I was a sophomore, and she was a year below me. I can't remember the details of how we met, or rather, I don't want to remember them anymore.
But after we met, her kindness and care for me are still unforgettable. Anyway, when I was a senior and she was a sophomore, we officially started dating.
Strictly speaking, back then, I didn't know what love really meant.
I just instinctively felt that I should be with her, be taken care of by her, and then when we reached marriageable age, I would marry her, have a child, raise a big dog, and grow old together in a simple and warm way… That would have been the perfect ending for my life. My
closest relationship with Xiaoqian… Our actions stopped at lying in bed, kissing, and falling asleep in each other's arms.
The only time we slept together like that
wasn't because I didn't want anything to happen between us, nor because she was resisting me from going any further. Actually, at that moment, I had already slipped my left hand inside her clothes, then moved it upwards along her soft lower abdomen… and then I stopped past her lower abdomen. I asked her, "Is it okay?" Xiaoqian gently pursed her lips, her cheeks flushed, and nodded, meeting my gaze with tenderness in her eyes. Having received her permission, I continued my upward movements with trembling fingertips. Her body tensed… After letting out a soft, almost imperceptible hum, she closed her eyes. At that moment, I noticed a tear glistening in the corner of her eye. I hesitated, then withdrew my hand and said, "I think... let's forget it! I think... the most beautiful moment should be saved for our wedding." Xiaoqian immediately relaxed, burying her head in my chest, and said, "I know you love me! I'll be yours forever!" At that moment, I was deeply moved . In that instant, I secretly vowed to treat Xiaoqian well for the rest of my life! But... reality played a cruel joke on me! Less than three months later, Xiaoqian, without warning, had a relationship with my former best friend, Chao! When someone told me all this, I couldn't believe my ears. Chao had drunkenly revealed it at a party, boasting to others with undisguised pride: "I slept with Xiao Lou's girl! She was still a virgin!" He even told others that Xiao Qian became addicted, seeking him out whenever she had the chance, wanting him to "take advantage" of her, almost draining him dry! I was furious! I went straight to Xiao Qian, confronting her about whether she and Chao had done those things. At first, Xiao Qian denied it, angrily accusing me of doubting her. However, not long after, I caught her and Chao checking into a small hotel outside the school! But faced with undeniable facts, Xiao Qian still didn't offer any explanation. She simply said to me, "Xiao Lou, we're not right for each other, let's break up!" That's how I broke up with Xiao Qian. I can say that period was the darkest time of my life! The immense humiliation, even to this day, is something I can't bear to recall... In a fit of rage, I found Chao and gave him a sound beating. My friendship with him was completely over then. I remember that while I was beating him, Chao never fought back. At first, no one intervened or tried to stop the fight; after all, one shouldn't mess with a friend's wife. What had happened between Chao and Xiao Qian was despicable to everyone, and they all thought I deserved to beat him up. It wasn't until Chao was lying on the ground, unable to get up, that someone came to pull me away and said, "Xiao Lou, that's enough. It's not worth it for a woman!" By then, I was tired of beating him, so I glared at Chao and turned to leave . When I glared at him, he laughed—a laugh with his face covered in blood. As for Xiao Qian, I originally wanted to beat her up too, but in the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Because I felt sorry for her. Seeing Xiao Qian made my heart ache. To hit her? Heh, maybe I'd die of heartache? After all, she was the first woman I ever loved. I don't remember how we started loving each other, but the breakup was unforgettable... Later, Chao and Xiaoqian went public with their relationship. Their public relationship didn't last long. If I remember correctly, Xiaoqian broke up with Chao after he graduated . I don't know much about what happened after that, because Chao graduated from high school around the same time I graduated . After graduation, I went to university in another city, and apart from holidays, I basically never went back to my hometown. I really don't know what happened to Xiaoqian. Of course, my memories continue. My second girlfriend was named Xiaoyao. I met her in university. When Xiaoyao appeared in front of me, I had just emerged from the psychological shadow Xiaoqian had left on me. For some reason, seeing Xiaoyao... Originally, I wasn't planning on starting a new relationship so quickly, but suddenly I fell in love with her at first sight. Luckily—at least at the time, I felt lucky—Xiao Yao also felt the same way about me, so we quickly started dating. The university campus was huge, like a small city. Xiao Yao and I weren't in the same department, so we didn't have classes in the same building or live in different directions. Even though we were on the same campus, we had to arrange a time and place to meet in advance. But that didn't stop our feelings for each other from growing stronger quickly. By then, I had learned my lesson. My experience of dating Xiao Qian and being betrayed by her taught me one thing: if you're unwilling to eat the meat right in front of you, someone else will eventually eat it! Theories like "saving the best moment for marriage" are all nonsense! So, after officially starting a relationship with Xiao Yao, I spent all my time thinking about how to get her to go to a hotel as soon as possible and do everything we were supposed to do.

Anyway, it's perfectly normal for couples to go to a hotel together on a university campus. Finally, one time, after a party, Xiaoyao got drunk, and I took the opportunity to take her to a budget hotel near the school.
While Xiaoyao was half-drunk, I successfully undressed her.
Actually, Xiaoyao was still conscious; I was sure she knew what I wanted to do to her.
But just as I was about to take the final step, Xiaoyao suddenly changed her expression, wrapped herself in the blanket, and firmly refused to let me continue
. I was very embarrassed. I lay naked on the bed, staring at the ceiling for a while, then sat up and smoked.
I asked her, "Why? Don't you like me?"
Xiaoyao's shoulders trembled, and then she cried out, "I'm sorry, I was too nervous! I really can't accept this… Can you wait until we get married before doing this?" I
couldn't bear to force her, so I could only sigh and… I agreed to her request
. After calming down, Xiaoyao sat up and asked me, "Are you feeling unwell?"
I shrugged, giving her a helpless look, and replied, "But if you don't agree, I can't force you, can I?"
Xiaoyao pursed her lips, moved closer to me, placed her hand on my chest, and slowly stroked downwards. Finally, she placed her hand between my legs and said, "Don't overthink it, I just... just helped you take care of it."
So... that time, Xiaoyao helped me with my sexual needs.
Later, Xiaoyao never agreed to have sex with me,
except for that last step. We unlocked everything we could together.
For example, she used her mouth, and to be fair, I used mine too.
A long time later, a term called "69" became popular online.
Yes, Xiaoyao and I played "69."
But she didn't really like "69," so most of the time, I... We used to take care of each other with our hands for years. Afterwards, I told this story to my friend, Boots.
Boots burst out laughing: "Hahaha! Yu Xiaolou, Yu Xiaolou! You found a girl, dated her for two years, and then just wanted her to masturbate you?"
Anyway, because of that history, Boots has been mocking me for years, and probably for many more.
Back to Xiaoyao,
Xiaoyao and I eventually broke up. The reason was the same as my first love—Xiaoyao cheated on me. Her reason for cheating was hilarious—she had a senior, I think he was a student council member in their department. If I remember correctly, his surname was Zhu, but I forgot his full name. The important thing is, Xiaoyao told me about
sleeping with Zhu. The morning after she slept with Zhu , Xiaoyao came to me and said directly, "Yu Xiaolou, let's break up!" Her sudden breakup announcement completely stunned me. I grabbed her shoulders... I grabbed her arm and shouted, "Why? You have to give me a reason!" Xiao Yao pulled her hand away and started crying. She said to me, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Then I learned that the reason she slept with Officer Zhu was because he had broken up with his girlfriend, and she went to comfort him. And while she was comforting him, things developed like that. After Xiao Yao finished telling me her "story," I sneered and turned to leave. That's how I broke up with Xiao Yao. When I left, I didn't even look back. At that time, I even thought, "Am I born with a debuff of being cheated on?" Chapter Two: Two relationships, both ended because my girlfriend cheated on me. This hurt me deeply, and I felt like I could no longer believe in love. That 's when I started writing. I started writing because I was bored. I was bored because I didn't have a girlfriend, and I didn't want to find one. At that time, I listened to a song by Li Zhi called "Sky City." There was a lyric that went something like: "Love is nothing but life's fart, tormenting me, and tormenting you too..." Then I understood, it turns out I'd been afflicted by this fart twice. So my first novel was titled "Life's Fart." It was quite long—about 80,000 words—and very realistic, because it was all based on my own experiences, only the character names were changed and the plot slightly altered. Coincidentally, the school's literary society was recruiting, and I saw the advertisement, so I submitted this novel. Three days later, Zhang Gu came to find me. Zhang Gu is one of the vice presidents of the school's literary society. Upon seeing me, he said directly, "Dude, your novel is pretty good, you can publish it in the school newspaper." "It's not a serialized story, but the title isn't quite right; it needs to be changed." I remember back then, Boots wore black-rimmed glasses without lenses, had long hair, and a black shirt that clung tightly to his thin frame. His legs were so thin it was almost worrying, but on his feet were a pair of enormous black leather boots, covered in shiny metal plates that jingled with each step. Later I learned that this was why he was called "Boots." All year round, regardless of the cold winter or scorching summer, he only wore boots. The problem was that big leather boots weren't very breathable, and he had athlete's foot , so when he took off his shoes before going to bed at night, the smell of his feet was incredibly strong. Of course, That's not the main point. The main point is that Xuezi appreciated my novels and thus brought me into the school's literary society. The president of the literary society was a professor in the Chinese department; if I remember correctly, his surname was Hu. He was a figurehead and didn't usually get involved. So, the daily work of the society was handled by Xuezi and another vice president named Mao Xiaorui. Their main task was to edit and compile a school newspaper. The school newspaper was published weekly, with three main sections: essays and poems, campus news, and stories/fiction . The authors were mainly students from the school, and occasionally, the literary society would commission articles from teachers. Mao Xiaorui was responsible for the first two sections, while Xuezi was only responsible for the last one because of writing essays and poems and editing... There were more journalism students than novelists, so Mao Xiaorui had more "power" in the literary society than Xuezi. Of course, this wasn't a big problem, since Xuezi's main purpose in joining the literary society wasn't to pursue literature, but to pick up girls— it's an age-old truth that there are many girls in the literary society . In fact, as time went on, I also realized that Xuezi had quite a lot of "gains" in the literary society—but that's another story. Xuezi recruited me into the literary society because it had just been established, and he was the only author actually writing serialized novels; he needed to expand the team. But as soon as I joined, I encountered a problem : Mao Xiaorui didn't like my novels.

Because the female protagonist of my novel is named Du Xiaorui, and Du Xiaorui is a female college student who cheated on her boyfriend, Mao Xiaorui felt that my name was a veiled reference to her and a form of mockery. Therefore, she wanted to shut down my novel and not publish it. Even though my friend, Xuezi, spoke up for me, she didn't change her mind. I
went to talk
to her about it and explained, "I can change the female protagonist's name, but I'm really not mocking you. After all, I didn't even know you when I was writing this novel."
Here are some additional details: It was a summer afternoon, and
the literary society's office was on the top floor of the school library. The rooftop wasn't very well insulated, so the office was quite stuffy. There was
a large, unused reading room, only containing... Seven or eight ordinary desks and chairs, empty and hollow, echoing when you speak.
Besides them, there are four old computers running Windows 98 and an outdated dot-matrix printer in the office. This is all the office equipment the literary society has.
Mao Xiaorui is sitting at a desk, holding a piece of manuscript paper, writing something.
My gaze is lowered.
She is wearing hot pants, her legs stretched out under the desk, the skin on
her legs is white and almost transparent. She is wearing a pair of sandals studded with rhinestones, and her toenails are painted with bright transparent nail polish decorated with colorful particles.
When I speak, Mao Xiaorui does not pay attention to me, but continues to bury her head in writing.
Judging from the format, it should be a poem?
So I spoke again: "President, are you listening to me?"
Mao Xiaorui finally looked up.
Because of the heat, Mao Xiaorui had tied her naturally curly long hair up behind her head, which made her neck appear even longer than usual.
The dazzling sunlight shone into the room from the window, passing through her neck, allowing me to see a bluish vein on her neck.
Her round face had some light freckles, and a playful smile hung at the corners of her mouth. When she spoke, I felt that her teeth were so neat that they looked a little fake.
She said to me, "Okay, I understand. You can revise it. Consider it support for Zhang Gu's work. I'm writing something now."
The implication was...
first, she accepted my revision suggestions;
second, she was writing and didn't have time to talk to me much.
It had been a little over a year since she graduated from university, right?
Mao Xiaorui started her own writing studio.
Coincidentally, she lived in the same city as me
. Her studio was only three subway stops away from where I lived.
She invited me to write for her, so I started working there.
I was required to write at least 10,000 words a day, with no salary, but they provided food and rent subsidies.
My income depended entirely on royalties, which the studio split 60/40 with me.
This compensation wasn't high, in fact, it was quite low. But the good thing was that the studio provided a writing outline. As a writer, I only needed to follow the outline and write the story;
I didn't need to come up with my own ideas. Of course, I didn't have the right to be credited for works written in this way. I didn't
care about that at all; all I needed was money. What
I want to say is that on a similar summer afternoon, Mao Xiaorui called me into her office and said, "Yu Xiaolou, your novel lacks realism. It won't sell well like this."
I didn't understand what "realism" a novel purely based on wishful thinking needed, so I lowered my gaze and remained silent.
Mao Xiaorui was still wearing hot pants, her legs stretched out under the table, the skin on her legs white and almost transparent. Yes, there was a carpet in the office. She kicked off her high heels, her bare feet intertwined, her toenails painted bright red, fiery and alluring…
That evening, Mao Xiaorui took me to “experience life.”
We had dinner together, drank a little wine, and then went to a budget hotel.
By then we were already quite familiar with each other, so without any preamble, we went straight to the point. Whenever that happened, her legs would be spread wide, exerting all her strength to accommodate me, wanting me to go deeper.
So, under these circumstances, not long after… She was exhausted, lying resignedly on the bed, her eyes glazed, letting me, panting heavily, plow on top of her. Sometimes, drool would even trickle from the corner of her mouth.
Back then, I hadn't had surgery yet, so my foreskin was still a bit long, and it would always pull and hurt during sex.
Mao Xiaorui knew this, and she would deliberately hurt me, then say to me, "That's life!"
In short, Mao Xiaorui was my first woman,
but she was never my girlfriend.
In the school literary society, she was my boss
. After graduation... Six months after she became my boss
, Mao Xiaorui's studio disbanded.
She went to Beijing to become the editor-in-chief of a literary website.
I heard that she later married one of the website's investors
, but I haven't confirmed this because after the studio disbanded, we never contacted each other again. Or rather, we exchanged contact information, but neither of us spoke a word to the other after the studio disbanded.
Recalling my "first time" with Mao Xiaorui...
there were two basic premises:
First, Xuezi rented a room outside the school, a single room.
Second, it was Xuezi's birthday, and he invited us to a party
. The people at the party included me, Xuezi, Xuezi's new girlfriend, Mao Xiaorui, and one of Mao Xiaorui's best friends.
We drank a lot of alcohol, until midnight, and everyone was drunk
. Then, Xuezi laid the sofa flat and pushed it together with the bed, and the five of us squeezed together and slept fully clothed. Xuezi lay to my left, and to my right was his girlfriend
Mao Xiaorui. To my right was her best friend.
I don't know what time it was, but I woke up because I was thirsty and
found Mao Xiaorui's head resting on my... Her shoulder was on my lap, and her legs were draped over mine.
Boots and his girlfriend were wrapped in a thin blanket…
the blanket was slowly rising and falling
, and I could hear the low, labored breathing of Boots and his girlfriend
. I squinted, waiting motionless for Boots and his girlfriend to finish, until Boots began to snore softly. Only then did I place my hand on Mao Xiaorui's leg.
Mao Xiaorui let out a soft hum. I turned my head and found she was actually awake; her eyes, in the dim light, flickered.
I went straight to… I reached for the zipper on Mao Xiaorui's hot pants.
She didn't resist or cooperate; she just stared at me intently until I fumbled for the entrance, unable to find it. Then she helped me get
in. Afterward, Mao Xiaorui covered her mouth, trying her best to remain silent. After I finished
, I went to the bathroom and discovered that my genitals were covered in Mao Xiaorui's blood. I realized then that it was Mao Xiaorui's first time…

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