Trivial anecdotes and memories about sex

“If I had the chance, I would like to hear their thoughts on sex.” — Derrida
I feel it's necessary to write down my own sexual experiences, because these reflections have consumed far too much of my time. If I don't thoroughly resolve this and liberate myself, these sexual issues might weigh on my mind for the rest of my life. Such days are simply too heavy, unbearable, and have seriously hindered my positive pursuits and actions.
Self-analysis requires courage, confronting one's own privacy, especially when it involves highly unusual behaviors and personality traits that deviate from one's usual behavior. This is a difficult thing for anyone. Now that I've started writing, I hope to conduct a thorough reckoning, to confess all my past thoughts and ideas about sex, my sexual behaviors and experiences, without reservation. Whether they are beautiful or ugly; whether they are memorable or repulsive; whether they evoke sympathy and sighs or might offend the beautiful feelings of kind people. "Give God's things to God, and dust to dust." I am not God, but I also refuse to admit that I am dust. I am just an ordinary, worldly person under God's sky and on dusty ground. Of course, I do not believe in God, nor do I expect that confessing to God will cleanse me.
Such writing is primarily for self-analysis and reflection, to dispel the heaviness or frivolity accumulating in my heart. Of course, perhaps the same heavy or frivolous mentality exists among some Chinese people, and is equally difficult to dispel. By sharing my own experience, I hope it can help brothers and even sisters who may have fallen into or are still trapped in the black hole of sexual confusion like I have.
In China a few years ago, sex was a taboo and a very private topic, especially in some relatively closed and backward areas. It was forbidden to talk about it, and even thinking about it was explicitly prohibited. For example, in my middle school, the only topic related to sex—puppy love—was always emphasized by teachers repeatedly and vehemently to prevent and suppress it, so as not to give our pure hearts any chance to be corrupted or to take root. However, when I was in junior high school, I vaguely heard rumors that some ninth-grade boys and girls were caught naked together in the wild late at night by their teachers; when I was in high school, some twelfth-grade students were also in relationships, and in the evenings they would cross the stream near the school, sometimes naked, sometimes playing hide-and-seek. τΩ no reason to lurk and swell Φ model, leech  familiar with the sash and light,  the sloping pavilion is just the shovel  pretty ㄒ bad certain jujube punishment,   the silk dripping the pine tree bear the privy to the thin M,   and the leech  dead fresh Χ plant silk file oyster still, ? decay, ? gorilla  group    come compared to change the scorching fish Wei Wei Mu Huan loach,  words to buy, ? 灾涞墓叵刀际呛艽拷嗟模艽看坏模苌偕婕肮飧龌疤狻N也恢琅抢锶绻危辽僭谖液臀医煌哪猩洌辽僭谖叶潦槠诩涫遣硬惶嘎坌缘奈侍坏摹?/SPAN>
This has continued to this day; now, as I approach thirty, I've hardly discussed this topic with anyone. Those born in the 1980s, and even many born in the late 1970s, might find it hard to understand my closed-mindedness. In today's society, it's perfectly normal for boys and even girls to discuss the opposite sex and sex; newspapers openly advocate for sex education. I'm very pleased and welcome this societal progress, yet, out of habit, I still remain silent on the topic of the opposite sex, whether voluntarily or involuntarily.
For this reason, coupled with my love of learning and excellent academic and athletic achievements, I am a role model in the eyes of both teachers and classmates—a role model in learning, a role model in sports, and a role model in moral purity. I am always among the "Three Good Students" every semester.
The term "hypocritical and sanctimonious" truly applies to me, far more accurately describing the impact and feelings of an individual's behavior on others than the word "falsehood." Falsehood might only be an evaluation of the individual themselves, while hypocrisy clearly involves not only self-evaluation but also how those around them perceive them. I don't know when or where I developed this skill; perhaps my unusual childhood experiences forced me to learn to conceal and isolate myself, and later, unconsciously, I became able to mask my true feelings. Of course, in practice, I've proven I haven't quite mastered it. My increasing and deeper immersion in sex, the self-indulgence during indulgence, the pain, self-blame, and regret after sobering up—the alternation between these two increasingly suffocated me, increasingly eroded my confidence in my life, and increasingly distanced me from the boy who was engrossed in books and persistently pursued his ideals.
I always thought my childhood was full of ideals and resilience... Unfortunately, the vulnerability caused by long-term indulgence and debauchery made me feel miserable and unable to look back, to the point that I doubted whether the self-image I insisted on was purely self-deception.
It's time to summarize the past. I hope to use this summary to liberate myself and say goodbye to the past!

P.S.: I've dug out some old, long-forgotten memories and am sharing them with this website. I hope to have some discussion and feedback.

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Trivial anecdotes and memories about sex

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