Looking back

In two months, it will be my 22nd birthday. I'm just an ordinary office worker, with no family background or connections, recently graduated and living alone to make a living. I don't know if it's my luck or my misfortune, but two women suddenly entered my life: Jiang Min, a 45-year-old divorced woman, and Xu Mei, an 18-year-old college student. Their appearances caused turbulence in my love life, and I, however, betrayed them, despicably toying with both women.
My acquaintance with Jiang Min stemmed from a wrong phone call.
One afternoon last year during the Spring Festival, after get off work, I saw a missed call on my phone. I called back, but the other party didn't answer. Perhaps they dialed the wrong number. The next day, a strange woman's number appeared on my phone. By some strange twist of fate, our first conversation lasted several minutes. She was Jiang Min, 45 years old, working in a clothing factory. We started exchanging text messages. Occasionally, she would call me for a casual chat, and I could tell she was feeling down. I assumed it was work-related and tried to comfort her. Perhaps my role as a stranger made her feel more relaxed, and before I knew it, I had become a trusted confidante for her. She even revealed her private life to me. She had divorced years ago and was raising her 17-year-old son alone. Now, her son was in university, and her life felt aimless. Her excessive leisure had become a burden, leaving her feeling lost and disoriented.
It started with a joke.
One day, she texted me saying she wasn't feeling well and was feeling really down. I tried to say a few words of comfort to her, but after a while, she called. "Why aren't you replying to me?" "I'm texting you right now. I have so much to say, but I haven't finished typing it yet."
Jiang Min's anxious attitude surprised me quite a bit. I felt that such an extreme reaction was something that only happened between lovers.
Thinking of this, a mischievous idea suddenly popped into my head, and a joke slipped out, "Baby, what are you afraid of? I'll take care of you, and I'll be there for you from now on." She laughed and replied in a joking tone, "Our ages don't seem to allow it, but I can try. It's so good to have you; you're so caring."
Because of a joke, we became closer. I know very well that at first, I just wanted to make her, my friend, happy. I never thought about any other possibilities, let alone what might happen between us.
But people are so easily moved by emotions. Without realizing it, I found myself becoming somewhat attached to her. I would worry about her even with a minor cold, and feel restless if I didn't hear from her for a day. What's wrong with me?
A small incident caused a turning point in our relationship, leading it down a wrong path.
One day, my old eye problem flared up again, becoming unbearably dry. Jiang Min was very worried and urged me to go to the hospital for a checkup. I deliberately teased her, saying I hadn't received my salary yet, and casually made up a lie, saying I had a congenital eye disease and had been struggling to afford surgery, which had kept me waiting. To my surprise, she immediately told me to come to her, offering to pay for my eye treatment. I wasn't that bad, so I quickly made up an excuse to decline.
After that, she paid my phone bill and bought me gifts. It was the first time someone had ever been so kind to me, and I was filled with gratitude; love began to blossom. And so, without ever having met, we began our online romance, talking about our future, marriage, buying a house, and having children. Sometimes I felt my actions were childish, but other times, I felt that this affection was sincere, pure, and untainted, making it all the more precious.
One rainy day in March, for no apparent reason, Jiang Min said she wanted to come see me in Wujiashan. It was already past 7 pm when she arrived; it was pitch black. I waited for her in Erzhigou, my feelings complicated. By the dim streetlights, Jiang Min stood before me for the first time. She was well-maintained, with a full figure, and looked much younger than I had imagined. She was a little shy at our first meeting. We had dinner together, but she showed no sign of leaving. I hesitated for a moment, then took her to a hotel.
I was completely confused, and I had no idea what was happening next.
As midnight approached, after the passion had subsided, I don't know if I was triggered by something or startled awake, but when I turned over and suddenly saw Jiang Min lying peacefully beside me, an unprecedented sense of guilt washed over me. I jolted back to reality. This was absurd. She was only two years younger than my mother; how could I have had a relationship with her?
I felt disgusted and repulsive by my actions. I had to leave her immediately, but how could I face the vows I had made? Thank goodness, at that moment, a close friend called, asking why I wasn't home yet. I grasped at this lifeline, making an excuse that a colleague had an emergency and I had to go there right away, so I might not be back that night. Jiang Min suddenly stopped me: "Can you stay?" I ignored her, told her to get dressed and lock the door, and fled as if my life depended on it.
Not long after I left, Jiang Min called, asking what had happened. I had nothing to say and no way to explain, so I simply turned off my phone.
I braved the rain and took a taxi back to my dorm alone, finally breathing a sigh of relief. Then, I stayed awake until dawn the next day. As soon as I turned on my phone at noon, Jiang Min's text messages bombarded my inbox. She said she understood everything. To have a reasonable resolution, I explained my reasons. After all, she's about the same age as my parents, and she has a child… the chances of us getting back together are practically zero.
She seemed to understand too. "I knew you were just playing around." She sent me all our past vows, but I couldn't care less. I sighed and never replied to her messages or calls again.
Less than a month after we parted, I felt a bit lost and disoriented after losing contact with Jiang Min. I couldn't control myself and tried to contact her again. Jiang Min was overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't contain her excitement: "Do you know why I have two phones? Many people have tried to contact me, but I chose you. I've kept this number for you, yet you've hurt and disappointed me. Actually, I'm a wealthy woman. I own factories and property. I can lose 30,000 yuan gambling in one go without even feeling the pinch..."
Perhaps the allure of money is human nature, and I was no exception. In the days that followed, I bought her flowers, offered countless explanations, and even went to her workplace to find her, ignoring the strange looks from others. But she avoided me, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't win her back. I was incredibly frustrated, but helplessly, she simply vanished from my world.
scapegoat
During a period of extreme sadness, Xu Mei entered my life.
Xu Mei is a friend of my colleague, an 18-year-old nursing school student. My colleague said that this girl had always had a crush on me, and for some reason, she suddenly started pursuing me. That day, she called me after evening self-study and said she wanted to see me. After we met, she said a lot of strange things, which I couldn't understand at all. Finally, she hugged me tightly, saying, "You're so dense! I've liked you for a long time, haven't you realized it yet?"
I was overwhelmed by the sudden love and fell in love with Xu Mei. Every day I would go to school to wait for her after self-study, and we would drink milk tea, go ice skating, and take photo booth pictures together. I was so happy that I quickly forgot about the trouble with Jiang Min.
One weekend afternoon, I took her to a colleague's place for lunch. We didn't get back until almost midnight. When we arrived at school, the dormitories were already locked. She was very anxious, but there was nothing we could do; we had to spend the night outside. Unfortunately, the school conducted a surprise dormitory check that night, and they quickly found out we had stayed out. The teacher suspended her from classes and called her parents.
Xu Mei's parents were furious. After giving her a severe beating, her father even threw 5,000 yuan at her and threatened to go to the police station to sever ties with her. Xu Mei was at a loss and cried heartbrokenly on the phone, saying that what happened that night was my premeditated act and that he hated me to death.
The next day, her dad called and wanted to meet me, but I didn't have the guts and reluctantly refused. During that time, everything was a mess. Every time, Xu Mei would start crying after only a few words. I hate girls crying, so I eventually just turned off my phone.
This incident almost overwhelmed me with criticism from her friends, but time heals all wounds, and after a while, the matter gradually subsided.
We went shopping and ate out together again, just like before, and were inseparable. However, this happy time didn't last long. One noon, she suddenly called me anxiously, saying that she might be pregnant and that I needed to go to the hospital with her immediately for a checkup.
I comforted her while taking her to the hospital for a checkup. When we arrived, she hid at the entrance, refusing to go in because she knew someone there. Reluctantly, I took her to another nearby hospital, but she then said it was where she had interned and resolutely refused to go in. At that time, I hadn't even had time to eat, rushing to work. I was exhausted and frustrated. While they bring you joy, they also inevitably bring endless trouble. I have a short temper, and in front of so many people, I couldn't control myself and finally lost my temper, smashing my phone and kicking her hard.
I threw my bank card at her, and she tossed it into the ditch right in front of me. I knew she was a rich girl and didn't care about this. I steeled myself, thinking I might as well go all out, and turned and walked away.
Not long after, a colleague told me that Xu Mei was not pregnant, and I finally felt relieved... A few days ago, Xu Mei said, feeling wronged, that she wasn't like me, who could love or stop loving someone just like that; she couldn't forget me at all...
I was speechless. To Xu Mei and Jiang Min, I was selfish, greedy, and enjoyed the pleasure of the process. However, I was not clear about what I really wanted, and I never intended to continue with them.
The reason for this is simple: I am someone who can't afford to lose. I lack confidence in myself and have no resources to rely on. Yet, reality has led them to fall and get hurt one after another in my emotional world, making me see myself more clearly time and time again, and then become disappointed in myself.

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