My mind is in turmoil; I tend to overthink.

My mind is a bit confused. I want to try different things. Women age so easily. I've thought about meeting male netizens alone, and for a long time I've had feelings for women. I've also wanted to try having sex with my husband, or even with a single woman. But then I think, life is short, and we grow old so quickly, especially women. I have so many thoughts, but my husband is too conservative. I love him very much, I love our family, and I love our children. I'm afraid to try anything; I'm afraid he won't accept it, I'm afraid I'll lose him… I often ask him during sex, "Honey, have you ever thought about having sex with other women?" "Have you ever thought about having another woman with us?" "Would you like to see me kiss a woman?" He always says I'm talking nonsense, that it's impossible, but I can tell he's interested too. I don't dare to test the waters further. I don't dare talk to him about sex; I'm afraid my thoughts will scare him… I'm wondering if if I suggested he find another woman to have sex with, would he gradually accept my ideas? Will I feel too guilty? Also, as a woman, are these thoughts too unconventional? Are there others like me? Am I considered a fujoshi (a female fan of BL/yaoi/yaoi)? But I always feel that life is only a few decades long, and if I want to try things but don't dare to, will I regret it in the end? Will I have regrets?

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My mind is in turmoil; I tend to overthink.

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