True confession

In college, I developed a crush on a girl named Qian. I wrote her several letters but received no reply. In a fit of anger, I wrote her a teasing letter and called it a day. Then one day in my sophomore year, while using the computer lab (that's when I started to become interested in computers), I saw two girls arguing about a Turboc problem and couldn't resist helping them resolve it. I started showing off my computer knowledge, teaching her (the other girl wasn't interested) how to program graphics and offering to lend her some kind of disk. When we parted, I learned her name was "Yun" (a pseudonym), and she was a junior in our department. Several days later, I heard a sweet-sounding girl calling my name from outside my dorm. It was Yun. She said she wanted to borrow the disk. A few days later, she came back to return the disk and suggested we go for a walk. I went downstairs with her in just a shirt, and although it was cold, I insisted on chatting with her. Later, I learned that she had been interested in me from the beginning, but hesitated for a few days before contacting me after learning I was a year below her. The following Saturday, it was the same routine. I asked her if she had any materials for the CET-4 exam, and she said she had a lot. So we agreed to go to the computer lab together on a certain day, and she would bring me the materials. When I went to the lab that day, I waited for an hour but she didn't show up. I was so angry that my eyes turned red, so I left. Just then, I saw her arrive. Since I couldn't go to the lab, we found a classroom and sat together. Her hair was cascading down like a waterfall, and she smelled like she had just showered. She wasn't the outgoing type, but she seemed very innocent. We chatted and then went to a small restaurant together. I drank some beer and felt a little tipsy. After leaving the restaurant, we walked along the lake on campus. I kept unconsciously moving closer to her, but she always dodged away. We both felt a kind of electric shock. When we reached a tree, I suddenly hugged her and kissed her. She didn't pull away, but just softly said, "Not here." So we moved to a secluded spot, and I had her sit on my lap. I started kissing her passionately. She seemed to have never been kissed before, but slowly she began to respond. My hand unconsciously moved to her chest. She seemed to flinch, but didn't resist. She whispered in my ear, "If you lie to me, I'll kill you." I swore it with absolute certainty, and it truly came from the bottom of my heart. I never expected our first date to go so smoothly, and I truly fell deeply in love with her. In the days that followed, we were inseparable, studying together (I couldn't concentrate on my studies, I don't know how she was), eating together, and often boldly holding hands in the department. We discovered that the end of a staircase in the Naval Architecture department was a safe place, so we often kissed there, even in broad daylight, unbuttoning her shirt and kissing her nipples. She was equally engrossed, holding me tightly. But one thing surprised me: Yun never let me touch her genitals, not even through her clothes. At the same time, she would sometimes press her genitals tightly against my thighs, and I could feel her genitals swelling. That year, I was deeply immersed in the quagmire of love. I took great care of her. Even on the coldest days, I would always be there to take her to and from her studies, carrying her backpack. In the winter, I would wash her clothes, even hanging them out to dry in the dorm, unafraid of the ridicule from her classmates. Because I was happy, I was willing. I always wanted to have sex with her, but it never happened. Firstly, she firmly refused, and secondly, I lacked the courage. I showed her my genitals, but she kept her eyes closed. Once, after much pleading, she agreed to let me see, but she changed her mind as soon as her pants were pulled down to a tuft of pubic hair. However, another time, she felt my pants were wet and asked to see, but I refused. That year is unforgettable; I believe it was true love. During the summer after her senior year, I called her home one night, but her sister said she had already returned to school. So I searched the entire campus for her and finally found her. She was studying (preparing for graduate school entrance exams). She didn't explain anything and came out with me. We walked together to a grassy area, where we kissed and hugged. I kissed her nipples. She was completely absorbed, not saying a word the entire time. Once everything calmed down, she said, "I have something to say to you." I didn't take it seriously, but it turned out to be, "Let's break up." I thought it was a joke, because there was no warning, no reason. She was firm, telling me to give up hope, and that it wasn't for the sake of the postgraduate entrance exam, then she went back to her dorm. I was completely stunned; I felt like blood was about to burst from my chest… I sat downstairs at her place all night, motionless. After that, I stubbornly went to find her, but she ignored me; when I bumped into her, she showed no expression. Once, I found a teddy bear I'd given her dismembered at the garbage chute downstairs. I'd spent a whole day running around, scrimping and saving, to buy it… My heart ached; I wished I could be dismembered like that bear. I didn't know why she did this, why? I had no choice but to start studying—learning software programming, learning my major. My grades improved significantly compared to the previous year, but who knows the pain and bitterness in my heart… That year, she was sometimes kinder to me. Several times I found her, and we kissed; she was very excited. During her graduate school entrance exams, she asked me to pick her up, and when she went home for winter break, she asked me to help her buy her ticket. When it came time for job assignments, she even talked to me about it. I regretted not knowing about job hunting back then; otherwise, I could have helped her find a job in the city so she could stay and have other opportunities later. She was about to graduate and became even friendlier to me; we could chat often. I remember once by the lake, she half-jokingly said, "If I come back, can you still accept me?" For some reason, I didn't say anything, and she just laughed it off, saying, "Just kidding." I've always regretted it. On the evening before she left, I had a feeling she would come to see me, so I went downstairs. She did come, just after showering, wearing a blue dress. She said, "Let's go to your dorm!" If she had gone, that night might have been different. Unfortunately, a bunch of bastards were playing cards in the dorm that night! We could only walk around campus until midnight. We kissed and hugged, but had no chance to try anything further, and the mosquitoes were bothering us! The next morning, my dad came to visit, but I didn't even have time to think about it. I said I had to see a classmate off and rushed out to buy her something. I finally managed to get the shops open, but unfortunately, I was broke. Otherwise, I would have bought her the moon without hesitation. I hailed a taxi and rushed to the train station. Train stations at this time of year are always particularly melancholic; groups of classmates were singing "True Hero" as they parted. I knew her seat, so I put the things on it, and then she came. We hugged and kissed in the carriage, each wanting to merge into the other… Then I said, "Say goodbye to your classmates," and got off the train. A group of people surrounded her, talking and laughing; some girls were crying. I stood on a step in the distance, watching her, and couldn't hold back my tears, so I turned away, letting them flow freely. After a while, one of her classmates came and called me, saying that Yun wanted to talk to me. We looked at each other across the carriage, tears streaming down our faces! She grabbed my arm, holding on tightly, saying, "Take care..." But I couldn't say anything, just held her hand, tears streaming down my face... God, why did we have to be like this? Why couldn't we be together?! The train started moving, and I ran alongside it, my clothes soaked with tears and sweat. "Yun" was really gone, and I returned to the empty campus like a ghost. Every day, I thought of "Yun," of the time we spent together. Seeing the classroom where we used to study together brought waves of pain to my heart. From then on, I never studied again, and I started smoking, smoking heavily. Next, I changed completely. I became taciturn and started working part-time at a software company, burying myself in silent code. For a long time, I lost interest in girls. I became inactive, felt old, and it was hard to imagine that I used to be a mischievous boy. People said I had matured and become stable. To this day, I still don't know why "Yun" left me. I remember once she asked me, "What do you think about virginity?" I felt she might have something to tell me, so to pressure her to speak quickly, I answered with something like, "I value it very much." Then she asked, "What if she was forced by a bad guy?" Heaven knows, I actually said things like, "A woman would rather die fighting a bad guy than lose her virginity," and launched into a long discussion. At the time, she didn't ask anything more, and I didn't think much of it, just assuming it was just idle chatter. Now, thinking back, it might very well have something to do with her (later she mentioned that in junior high, a bad guy pulled out his penis and chased her, but she ran away; when I pressed her about the reason for the breakup, she also said she would let me know later, and that she wanted to find an honest man to marry). Is this the truth? If so, "Yun," do you know? I really don't care. Now, I'm mature, and I wouldn't talk nonsense like that anymore. Being with you is better than anything else. Perhaps, because I was a poor student back then?But Yun, do you know? After you left, my monthly income as a student exceeded 1,000 yuan. A year after graduation, I bought a two-bedroom apartment in a beautiful neighborhood, with high-end decoration and all kinds of appliances. More than two years later, my annual income exceeded 100,000 yuan. Although not very rich, it was enough for you to live a comfortable life. Perhaps it was because I was so infatuated with you at that time that I neglected my studies and couldn't see a future for you? Actually, your initial feeling was right, I was still excellent. After graduation, I went to a foreign company as a project leader, and a year later I became the deputy manager and chief engineer of another company. Now, I work as a researcher in a world-renowned company. The software I developed can even be found in pirated versions. But, Yun, I can no longer find you. This is the biggest regret of my life. If there is an afterlife, I will never let you go again! If I could have been bolder back then, a little more forceful, and made love to you, perhaps you wouldn't have left, and I wouldn't have suffered this lifelong pain. (V) I met my current wife more than a year after Yun left. My first impression of her was that she looked a lot like "Yun," with a round face and big eyes. To be honest, she was prettier than "Yun," and seemed gentler (later I learned that she wasn't gentle at all). Actually, after Yun left, my interest in girls waned, but perhaps because my wife resembled Yun, I started dating her. We progressed quickly; on our first date, we kissed. Within days, I could touch her entire body. I remember the first time I touched her there (through her clothes), she didn't refuse like "Yun" and "Xiao Fang." I think she didn't know how to refuse. Her heart was beating very fast, and she seemed breathless; I was really worried she would faint. Like the other girls, my wife also liked me kissing her nipples, but she didn't refuse me touching her other parts. The first time I touched her private parts, the feeling was complicated; I didn't know where anything was. Finally, I found a small opening, barely big enough for one finger to pass through. It felt like a snake's den inside, not as smooth as I had imagined. For the first month, she was willing to help me masturbate and allowed me to touch her there, but she wouldn't let me go inside or look. Gradually, I could see more clearly, but I discovered it wasn't as beautiful as described in the book. Learning from Yun's experience, I decided I had to go for it! Besides, I had graduated by then, and the conditions were right. So one day, after my persuasion, she acquiesced. After we undressed, she regretted it and started to avoid me, rolling over onto her stomach. With the arrow already on the bowstring, I had no choice but to force myself on her. Not knowing where to aim, I lifted her buttocks and penetrated her from behind; it felt very slippery. My wife cried out, seemingly in pain. I was terrified and quickly pulled out; my glans was covered in blood, and there was a lot of blood on the sheets. I hurriedly put the sheets away, and my wife went to wash up. Our first time passed in a fluster. After the first time, the rest was natural. My wife no longer objected, but she insisted I use a condom (I really disliked those things). I realized that I was still thinking about Yun; I repeatedly searched online for any trace of her. When making love with my wife, I found that she didn't have the orgasm I had imagined, no matter how long I tried. When we got married a year later, I felt that half of my decision was based on moral pressure. Often, I would make excuses like doing chores to wait until she fell asleep before going to bed, seemingly avoiding sex. Sometimes, when my wife touched me, I would say, "I'm too tired, stop it, let's sleep!" Newlyweds probably don't have sex as often as we did, about once every two weeks, but my wife didn't find anything unusual. She loved me, even though we argued every now and then about trivial things, but never about our feelings. I found that I would never be as crazy and infatuated as I was with "Yun." When I didn't see "Yun," I would think about her constantly, but separated from my wife, I came to Beijing alone, and felt a secret joy. I really had no reason to say "break up" to my wife, whether before or after marriage. But I was truly afraid of her phone calls. She talked a lot, and I could only say "ah, ah," urging her to hang up quickly. But I knew I wouldn't leave her, because I felt she was my family, my loved one. That feeling was like that for my sister, father, and mother. I knew deeply that it was different from the passion I felt with "Yun," but I wouldn't abandon my "family." Strangely, my libido became incredibly strong after leaving my wife; I masturbated almost once a day, sometimes even twice in a row. I also wanted to find a girl to share this pure sex with, or perhaps be friends, helping each other through difficult times. But I didn't want to discuss marriage anymore, and I wouldn't leave my wife (unless "Yun" appeared). I imagined being with a girl who could orgasm, where we could freely try all sorts of things, but after each masturbation, I dismissed the idea. Sex is a pleasure, something both boys and girls should need; why refuse it? Sex without burdens might be more relaxing and exhilarating. I just wanted to be able to be a monkey again, free from social pressure. Often, we're not actually happier than monkeys. I wonder if humanity is progressing or regressing? Sex is pure, uninvolved in social, economic, or other factors; why consider it the dirty side of humanity? But that's how society is; we can only operate in the shadows. Actually, I haven't found it yet.But I know I won't leave her, because I feel she's my family, my loved one. It's a feeling like I have for my sister, my father, my mother. I know deeply that this isn't the same passion I feel with "Yun," but I won't abandon my "family." Strangely, as soon as I leave my wife, my libido becomes incredibly strong; I masturbate almost once a day, sometimes even twice. I also want to find a girl to share this simple sex with, or perhaps be friends, someone I can help each other in difficult times. But I don't want to discuss marriage anymore, and I won't leave my wife (unless "Yun" appears). I imagine being with a girl who can orgasm, where we can try all sorts of things, but after each masturbation, I dismiss the idea. Sex is a pleasure, something both boys and girls should need; why refuse it? Sex without burdens might be more relaxing and exhilarating. I just want to be able to be a monkey again, without societal pressure. Often, we're not actually happier than monkeys. I wonder if humanity is progressing or regressing? Sex is pure, unrelated to social or economic factors, so why consider it a dirty side of human nature? But society is like that, so it can only be done in secret. Actually, I haven't found it yet.But I know I won't leave her, because I feel she's my family, my loved one. It's a feeling like I have for my sister, my father, my mother. I know deeply that this isn't the same passion I feel with "Yun," but I won't abandon my "family." Strangely, as soon as I leave my wife, my libido becomes incredibly strong; I masturbate almost once a day, sometimes even twice. I also want to find a girl to share this simple sex with, or perhaps be friends, someone I can help each other in difficult times. But I don't want to discuss marriage anymore, and I won't leave my wife (unless "Yun" appears). I imagine being with a girl who can orgasm, where we can try all sorts of things, but after each masturbation, I dismiss the idea. Sex is a pleasure, something both boys and girls should need; why refuse it? Sex without burdens might be more relaxing and exhilarating. I just want to be able to be a monkey again, without societal pressure. Often, we're not actually happier than monkeys. I wonder if humanity is progressing or regressing? Sex is pure, unrelated to social or economic factors, so why consider it a dirty side of human nature? But society is like that, so it can only be done in secret. Actually, I haven't found it yet.

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True confession

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