My lover and my teacher

For over a decade, I've been writing the same "diary" or a memoir, constantly revising and perfecting its content. It's a commemoration of our youth, a way to cherish our feelings for each other, and a way to savor the sexual connection that arose from our relationship.
It was my freshman year of college; I'd been admitted to a prestigious university in the south. I wasn't a first-year student; the university I was assigned to the first year felt too far removed from my desired institution, and the major wasn't ideal either. So I gave up and refused the assignment. The following year, I took the exam again and was admitted to another prestigious university in the south. Our French teacher was a local from the south. On the first day of class, she blushed and introduced herself, saying it was her first time standing on that platform, and that we were starting this year while she was graduating. So, from now on, students could call her "teacher" or by her name. Her name was Cheng Xiaoxiao. She wasn't very tall, quite thin, and had the typical delicate beauty of a southern girl. Even the picky boys in my class gave her an 80 out of 100. My French grades were terrible, and I was always worried about failing the course, so I often went to her for extra help in my spare time, especially before the first midterm exam. I went to her four or five evenings a week to practice test questions. Perhaps another reason was that Ms. Xiaoxiao was quite a pretty teacher. By the time of the midterm exam, we were already very familiar with each other. She was my teacher, and she was almost a year younger than me. Southern students probably start school earlier, and I had missed two years. Her university was in my hometown in the north. So, when I went to her for tutoring, we would talk about many things other than academics. I did well on the midterm exam, and my grades improved significantly. This was definitely due to Ms. Xiaoxiao's daily tutoring, especially the pre-exam tutoring.
In the blink of an eye, it was the second semester of my sophomore year. She had been with us for almost two years, and we were very familiar with each other. We often went shopping, eating out, and watching movies together on weekends, and naturally, she usually paid for me. She was a year younger than me, but she was the one earning the money, and I was the student—there was a difference in "generation." Several times when she went back to her hometown (a 2-3 hour train ride from our school), she asked me to take her home. Later, I heard that the girls in our class were gossiping that Ms. Xiaoxiao and I were dating. After hearing this, I remembered the two times I took her home, and the look in her eyes at the train station made my heart flutter. At that time, I didn't have much experience with relationships, especially when I took her home during winter break, her eyes were red...
After hearing the gossip, I paid special attention to my interactions with her, and I contacted her less often. Many times, she would invite me to her dorm for tutoring or meals. Another time, she gave me a note asking me to bring her the books she had borrowed from the classroom library after dinner. I went very late. Because we were quite familiar with each other, I knocked on the door, saw it wasn't locked, and went in without waiting for an answer. I saw her leaning against the bed, wearing only a tank top and short pajama bottoms. When I pushed the door open, she seemed startled and hurriedly removed her hand from her chest (thinking back on this years later, I suspect she might have been masturbating).
That day, I felt awkward entering her room, so I suggested a walk in the bamboo grove park near the school, a place we often went to and a well-known couples' spot. Actually, I suggested the walk mainly to get out of her room as quickly as possible. We walked and chatted, and she asked if I wanted to go home after graduation, stay at the university, or work locally. Of course, I wanted to go home. She laughed and said, "Then don't find a girlfriend before graduation!" I laughed and said, "Unless you're a beautiful girl, then that's a different story." She said she missed her old school and wanted to go back to work, and that I might need to look after her then. I naturally said no problem. At that time, my father hadn't retired yet, and she said she wanted to visit my parents during the holidays. I don't know how to describe that moment, but anyway, my heart was pounding. Firstly, after hearing others' comments, I felt that Ms. Xiaoxiao really resembled a girlfriend in many ways, but I didn't intend for things to develop that way, after all, she was a teacher. Secondly, she was quite attractive; even the notoriously picky boys in my class gave her an 80 out of 100—that's impressive. I also enjoy being around beautiful southern girls.
We strolled through the bamboo forest at night, occasionally encountering couples who had stopped in surprise to be in love. Sometimes we would exchange smiles. After a while, we got tired and sat down on a wooden bench to chat. She slowly leaned against my shoulder, making my heart race. She noticed, but didn't say anything, just stayed like that for a long time, seemingly waiting for me to break the ice. I was even more confused; she was my teacher, and also a beautiful girl my age. Oh, and one more thing: back then, we were required to accept job assignments from the state after graduating from university, otherwise we couldn't graduate. This restricted the future of many university couples. The autumn nights in the south were still a bit chilly. I asked her if she was cold, and she nodded. I half-put my arm around her shoulder… Everyone was waiting, and I was waiting for something too. We remained silent.
"Shall we go back? It's past eleven, you've turned off the lights," she asked, seeking my opinion. Yes, it wasn't good to stay any longer; firstly, it was too late, and secondly, neither of us was talking much. We got up and started walking back. As we crossed a small embankment, she tripped, or perhaps she stepped on a stone and lost her balance, she stumbled. I quickly steadied her…
soft, my hand pressed firmly against her breast, small but very firm… I was startled and just apologized. She suddenly hugged me, whispering, "Don't talk…" I was at a loss, yet my blood was boiling. I hugged her back, and suddenly I kissed her. She flinched slightly, just once, then didn't pull away again, and we kissed…
for a long, long time. When I couldn't resist touching her breasts through her thin mesh top, she only trembled slightly and shifted her body slightly in response. After a while, I untied the thin clasp and slipped my hand inside her bra to caress her breasts. They were small, delicate, and elastic, easily enveloping my hand, yet firm and perky. But as soon as I covered her completely with my hand, she suddenly said, "No, don't do this, let's go..." She pulled away from me, and I didn't say anything, just followed her back; after all, the teacher's word was law. Before entering the school gate, she asked me to wait a moment while she went in first, and I understood. It was already past 2 a.m. We stood there embracing and kissing for over two hours without realizing it. When I went inside, I didn't see her waiting for me and felt disappointed. But just as I turned the corner towards the student dormitory, someone called my name softly from behind a streetlamp—it was her. I said, "Why didn't you wait for me?" She said she knew I wouldn't come looking for her and was waiting for me at the intersection I would go to. Without saying anything more, I walked her back to her single teacher's dormitory.
Once inside the room, as she went to turn on the light, I hugged her from behind and touched her breasts. She responded, and this time she didn't resist. I slipped my hand inside her bra and touched her breasts directly… I thought that's why she wouldn't let me do this earlier because we were outside. So, I unbuttoned and took off her top and started touching her directly. After a while, I slipped my hand inside her panties and touched her most private area. She tried to stop me a few times but didn't insist. I touched her… and after a while, I stripped her naked and touched her entire body. Because the light wasn't on, I couldn't see very clearly, but when my hand stayed on her genitals, I felt that she was already very wet. After touching her for a while, I straightened her up and lay on top of her again. "Wait…"
she told me to stop. "Let me see you…" I wanted to get down and turn on the light, but she wouldn't let me. She held my head with both hands, and in the dim light from the streetlamp streaming in from the window, she quietly looked at me. I tried to kiss her several times, but she pushed me away each time. She just looked at me without saying a word for about ten minutes. I think she knew what was about to happen. Finally, I lowered my head and kissed her again, then entered her again, caressing and kissing her breasts and nipples… When I parted her legs, I could clearly feel her inner conflict. They were separated, then she forcefully closed them again, only to be separated again by me, her legs tense. I continued to forcefully separate her legs as much as possible. She didn't speak, waiting…
Before this, I had a hard-won sexual experience with my ex-girlfriend, but because we went to school in different cities, she was quickly captured by someone else before I even knew how to date.
So, that day with Teacher Xiaoxiao, although my youthful desires were burning brightly, I still slowly tried to finish it all at once. She didn't speak, though she tensed up, seemingly resisting but also somewhat yielding to my will. I took my already erect penis and explored the entrance to her vagina. She still didn't speak, but in the dim light, I could clearly see that she was staring at my face and my eyes…
I entered… “Ah…” A soft sound escaped her lips, and her body tensed and trembled. I felt my thing enter her body more smoothly than I had feared, but it felt tight, as if her body was resisting, pushing against something and trying to squeeze me out. I pushed hard, but it wasn't that I was being squeezed out of her body. After a few seconds, I placed one hand under her round, elastic buttocks and gently lifted it up slightly. At the same time, I pushed down hard, feeling my penis suddenly break through a narrow resistance and enter her body without any obstruction. With my entry, “Ah… Ah…” she suddenly cried out repeatedly. I quickly grabbed a pillowcase to cover her mouth, and she immediately bit it, “Mmm, mmm… uh, uh…” suppressing her cries. I looked down at her; her eyes, which had been open and looking at me just moments before, were now tightly closed, her brows furrowed, and her head was tilted back. I kissed her and felt salty tears streaming down her face. Was it from pain or from losing her…?
I stopped, feeling a little scared seeing her in so much pain. At that time, I had no experience with sex; sex was driven by the impulse of desire. After a while, she removed the pillowcase from her mouth. I started moving, and at first, she immediately closed her eyes and tilted her head back, making "Ah...ah..." sounds, but they were much quieter now. I moved slowly, and gradually it seemed like she wasn't in much pain anymore. I started thrusting... nonstop, without any variation in style, but each time very deep and forceful. I guess it lasted about ten minutes, then suddenly I accelerated and ejaculated, all inside her. At the time, I didn't have any concept of safe contraception, and I think she didn't either. I pulled out and wiped her with tissue, then hugged her tightly without saying a word. Suddenly, she hugged me tightly and started sobbing... I drank water and poured her some too. After a break of about half an hour, I rolled over and pressed down on her, inserting myself into her vagina again and continuing to thrust... I ejaculated quickly inside her once more. The same cycle repeated: I drank water, lay down, hugged her, caressed and kissed her, then lay on top of her again, inserting myself and speeding up... I ejaculated... We didn't say anything, neither of us spoke.
On the sixth time this happened, she finally couldn't hold back and said, "I've never done this before, it's my first time, don't be too rough... I really can't take it anymore..." Hearing her say that, I ejaculated quickly as soon as I penetrated her. Thinking back, it's scary. At the time, I had no experience and didn't think about pregnancy or safe contraception. I ejaculated inside her every time. After she told me she couldn't take it anymore, I stopped and held her as we slept. When I suddenly woke up, it was just getting light. She was sitting beside me, sobbing. I was startled and got up to help her and call her, but I called out "Cheng Lao..." but then realized it wasn't right and changed it to "Xiao Xiao." I asked her what was wrong, and she said nothing, she just wanted to cry. I took off the nightgown she had put on at some point, lay on top of her, and took her again. "Ah..." She frowned, but quickly recovered. I entered her... thrusting... ejaculated... and she fell asleep again. When I woke up again, it was already broad daylight. I watched her sleeping peacefully beside me, breathing evenly. She looked so beautiful—a small nose, a small mouth, eyebrows that weren't very thin but were beautifully shaped, long eyelashes, small breasts, small, round, firm, and textured (at the time, I only thought they were pretty; later, I described them like that in my diary). I got excited again, turned her over so she was lying on her back, and lay on top of her small body. I tried to penetrate her, but this time it was difficult; I felt uncomfortable, and the pain woke her up. "Ah...no, no...ah..." I still went in, and this time the thrusting lasted longer than at night. She couldn't help but cry, saying, "Do you love me? Can you feel sorry for me? Please let me go, don't want it anymore..." I was shocked; she was being so harsh. And it was the first time she had asked me if I loved her.
God...what was I doing? I ejaculated quickly. It was as if I couldn't bear to stop without ejaculating. "Do you know how many times you've taken me? You've taken me eight times already. Who can stand that? Do you know that?" "She cried and said that she was not like the little teacher she usually was at all. I got up and kept saying apologetically, 'I'm sorry, I don't want it anymore.'" "I don't know what else to say. Years later, she told me she didn't remember me ever saying 'I love you' to her. That day, we woke up around noon. We carefully opened the water to make instant noodles, and I didn't dare leave her room, hiding inside. When we went out, she went out first to check, then came back and told me to go first before she went out. We only dared to meet in the city center. Hehe... For about a year after that, we weren't together often, but we'd meet two or three times a month, almost always on weekends or holidays, very late at night. I'd go to see her, and we'd basically hug and kiss as soon as I walked in, then I'd release my pent-up desire, have sex... We almost never used contraception, except for one or two times later when I used withdrawal.
Until the first semester of my final year of university, I didn't see her. One day, a girl relayed a message that Teacher Xiaoxiao was looking for me. I went to see her and immediately complained about how she let our classmates relay the message. She told me that her period hadn't come. I didn't understand; she said she hadn't had her period." I was annoyed. Why was she telling me this? And having my classmate relay the message? I didn't understand back then; students these days aren't so naive. She told me directly that she might be pregnant. My head spun, and I couldn't laugh. It was a huge deal. I'd be expelled. Seeing my reaction, she comforted me, like an older sister or a teacher. From that moment on, I didn't dare contact her again, afraid of having sex again. Every time I saw her, whether in the dorm or on a nearby trip, I couldn't resist. I often resolved not to have sex, but once we were together, I couldn't control myself. After hearing about the possible pregnancy, she treated me to dinner and a movie that day, which cheered me up. But that night, when I hugged her and wanted more, she wouldn't let me, only allowing me to touch. After a while, I forced myself on her. She asked if I wasn't afraid of getting pregnant. Hearing that, I lost all my energy. Later, because I was about to start my internship and work on my graduation thesis, I didn't see her for several months. Gradually, things seemed to fade… Before graduation, I went to see her. She greeted me very politely, asking what I wanted to eat, and said that after I graduated, she wouldn't be able to treat me to anything. That day, she inexplicably cried in the movie theater again. I later felt that we might break up.
I graduated and was assigned to a good research institution in a big city. Many students said goodbye as graduation approached, and at that time, I fell for a girl from the same city who had just entered the university. I neglected her. When I realized it, I only had three days left before I left. She came to see me, saying she had looked for me many times but couldn't find me, and because I didn't want others to pass on the message (there were no cell phones back then). She asked me to take half a day to treat her to dinner. I went to see her very late that day, and the dinner invitation was changed to a late-night snack. That night, I could tell she didn't want me to leave. I stayed, and I hugged her. We both took off our clothes, just like the first day, but I didn't take her. We stayed like that, lying down or sitting on the bed, and she wouldn't let go of me. "I heard you have a new girlfriend?" "She asked me. "What? I just like you, I like you too." "Oh, I see." I suddenly felt that it was inappropriate to say it like that, so I told her that I like her very much, etc. She didn't say anything, and after a while she asked me: "What do you think I am to you?" "I wanted to say, 'You're my girlfriend,' but I couldn't bring myself to say it. During the three years we were together, he was truly my only focus. It wasn't that other girls approached me; I'd even boast a few times, writing me letters. (Back then, I was a student leader in my sophomore year, eventually becoming the president and vice-president of the student union, and being from a big city, I was quite popular). But I never bothered with any of them. Firstly, I always felt I needed to maintain a good image; secondly, I always felt I might have to go back to my hometown someday. And a very small part of it was because of her, but I rarely thought about what would happen to her. When I did think about it, it just bothered me, so I stopped thinking about it. Because it was unlikely she would come back to my city with me. In those days, it was all about government-sponsored transfers. When I left, he gave me a letter, saying I could read it after I got home, or after I got on the train. I didn't remember it for a long time after I got home, and I rummaged through my luggage to find the letter.
'I love you, I don't regret giving myself to you, and I still want to call you 'brother.'" "This is a passage from her letter. Also, she mentioned that we had a child. She felt sorry that I decided not to have it without telling me. My letter wasn't long, only a little over half a page, but it was three pages long, two of which were blank. I read it for a long time, and my eyes welled up with tears. I wrote to her several times but never received a reply."
Until over a decade ago, after my ex-wife left me, I attended a university reunion. I asked around and learned she was no longer at the university; she had gone to work for the government. When I saw her, she was already a section chief in that city's government. She hadn't changed much, still so thin. She didn't look like someone nearing forty. She was unmarried and had never even had a boyfriend. That night, I suggested I stay. She was quite happy. We made love again after almost twenty years. Of course, not eight times again, haha, twice. Once that night, and once the next day at noon. I had to fly back to my city that afternoon. The lovemaking was great, both times were great, lasted a long time, and I wasn't afraid of getting pregnant anymore. From 10 pm when we embraced until we got up to talk, it was past 2 am. We sat up and chatted. She said she hadn't been with any other men, not just saying it to make me happy, but that she had closed her heart. She told me to quickly find someone else to take care of me and live with me. I joked, "I'm not leaving, you can take care of me then." She shook her head and said I was talking nonsense. I never pressed her about why she wouldn't live with me. She simply said she was used to living alone. I also advised her that she wasn't even forty yet and should find someone. She laughed and called me hypocritical, saying that if she really thought like I did, she wouldn't be sleeping in her bed now. The next day, before boarding my flight, I told her at the airport, "If you get pregnant again this time, you must marry me." She immediately hugged me and said, "Even if I don't marry you, you'll still be my lover." At the time, I was living abroad. A few years later, I returned and found her through her office's phone number. She had been transferred again and was now a deputy director. She invited me to Sanya for a vacation, arranging everything herself. We spent ten days vacationing and relaxing in Sanya. We were both over forty, and we made love every day. Since I met her a few years ago, I've gotten used to calling her "darling," but she said it was better not to. This time, I did it again, saying I wasn't used to it and was used to hearing her tell me she loved her and loved her the most. Last year, she came to my city for a meeting and got promoted again, but she's still single. As time goes by, every time we meet, I feel the age gap between her and others is widening; she doesn't seem like a woman in her forties. After our first meeting nearly twenty years later, he introduced me to several girlfriends, but I didn't date any of them, only meeting them politely at most. Last year, before she left, I solemnly told her, "If you introduce me to anyone else, I won't contact you anymore." She jokingly said, "Is it a crime to care about your lover?" She will always be my lover, my sweetheart, and my teacher.

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