Classic quotes from international students

1. Once, my landlady asked me, "
Did
you
eat
anything
yet?"
I said no.
She repeated,
"So
you
didn't
eat
anything."
I said
yes...
The landlady hesitated for a moment.
Then you asked, "Did
you
eat
?"
I said
no.
She then said,
"So
you
didn't
eat
. "
I said
yes
...
She must have been devastated.
2. Not long after I started working, an A/R from a company called to chase up a check. As usual, I asked which company was calling. The man politely replied, "This
is
xxx
calling
from
Beach
Brother."
I was happy to understand, but since I wasn't familiar with the company name, I thought I'd write it down so I wouldn't forget it later. In my excitement, I started spelling out the company name, saying it very seriously: "bitch…bitch,
correct?"... The man finally lost his temper and yelled at me, almost a roar: "No!!!
Beach…beach!!!!!!"
For the next year, I didn't do any business with that company again... (Sigh)
5. My boyfriend was once on the Vancouver SkyTrain when a white woman said, "I
am
sorry."
He immediately replied,
"You
are
welcome."
The woman was stunned.
7. The first time I played painball with foreigners, it was the capture-the-flag game. Since it was my first time, I just followed a teammate who looked very professional.
We dodged bullets all the way to the enemy's base.
We were all dead, and the enemy only had one person left guarding their base.
The foreigner started spouting a bunch of technical jargon at me, which I didn't understand. Seeing I didn't understand, he said, "It's
easy
, just
cover
me
when
I
go
out. " Then he
yelled, "
Cover
me!"
and ran out.
I didn't understand why he wanted me to cover for him; before I could figure it out, he ran away.
I just grabbed a piece of canvas from a box and threw it over his head, covering him up. And that's how he met his glorious end. Most of the other people were already dead, just watching. Everyone was laughing their heads off.
9. Last time, I don't know what angered me, but in the heat of the moment, I meant to say:
"Fuck
you!!"
but I said "Fuck
me!!"
The guy was stunned for a moment,
then he said:
"You
want to
say
'fuck
me'

or
'fuck
you'
?" I was speechless… I lost all my fighting spirit.
11. A good friend of mine had just arrived in Canada. One day, she was thirsty and wanted a Coke. She went to the convenience store and loudly said, "Excuse
me,
do
you
have
Coke?"
But since she was new to the country, her English still had a heavy accent. What should have been a simple "Coke" came out as "
Excuse
me,
do
you
have
cock?"
The shop owner was quite startled, repeatedly saying, "What?
What
?"
Finally, the shop owner understood that she wanted a Coke. After the transaction was completed, seeing that my friend was probably new to the shop, the shop owner kindly told her that she shouldn't ask people if they had Coke anymore, as it could lead to misunderstandings! My friend had no idea what was going on, but after the shop owner's explanation, she wanted to disappear into the ground! She didn't drink Coke for a long time afterward!
12. When I first arrived, I went to dinner with a friend. After he finished eating, he pointed at the remaining dishes on the table, circling them and asking the waiter, "How
much,
all
this,
how
much?" The waiter just stared at him with a contorted expression... I finally couldn't take it anymore and told the waiter I wanted to pay the bill. After the waiter left, he was still annoyed, saying the waiter would soon realize why I interrupted...
15.刚来的时候看到很多大厦门口都有
smoke
free…..
我由衷的感叹..加拿大就是好,抽烟都免费…朋友那个汗……
16.还有一次是去mc,
问朋友
圣代
的英文怎么说,
他就说是音译
sundae,
我茅塞顿开,
恍然大悟,十分自信的说了一句….那奶昔
是不是叫
nancy

朋友当场喷可乐………
18.第一次打电话叫taxi……
对方问where
you
from…..我回答china,还在奇怪叫taxi还分国籍~?对方可能以爲我在搞笑,很郁闷的说
sorry,
we
can
not
do
that…..我一听…火大…怎么有种族歧视啊..就问:
why~?对方楞了半天,挂了…..
22.有一天去kfc,
要土豆泥，不会说，就在那里根cashier苦喊potato
sauce,
她以爲我sb呢，
然后，丫给我了7,8带ketchup……..
被鄙视了~~~~~
23.在加拿大帮老外拔火罐,但是罐很容易掉，我的英语不好，我解释说you
have
too
much
fur.他听了之后大笑
：it
is
hair
,not
fur,
fur
is
for
animal.我也大笑了起来。
26.我朋友刚来的时候不认识什么人,
所以在班上试图交朋友,
一日,
觉得一白人哥们人挺好,
于是想要人家电话号码,日后做朋友,
于是问:how
many
is
you
phone
number?
白人说:ten.
(加拿大号码是十位的)
28.刚来的时候，去burger
king去吃饭，点完汉堡，人家问我要酱不，我说要，人家问，哪种？我忘了番茄酱咋说了，想了半天，想出了个jam，人家还听不懂，最后一赌气说，it’s
up
to
you.
[
30.刚来加拿大的时候去酒吧玩。。而且还带了一个美美去的，她在国外呆了很一段时间。。。我看她很吊的样子，于是我就装的很帅，
走过去打算请她喝酒，
于是我问她，喝什么酒，她说。。sex
on
the
beach…但是当时很吵，我也压根不知道酒吧里都啥酒名，听成
son
of
bitch…当时我也愣了下，
然后吧台很性感的bartender已经在等我叫酒，我回头大声地喊，can
i
have
a
son
of
bitch…….
接下来。。我不想再回忆
33.有次买车票,工作人员问我
one
way?
我回答：no,two
way….他又问了我几遍我的答案还是一样的。。。结果那人很郁闷的看着我~~~后来才反应过来自己还在中文的思维中~~~我把他的意思解释爲one
way=一位？
我们是两个人，所以two
way=两位
34.第一次去唐人街吃粥，当时服务员都讲广东话。我
叫了个果子（油条）和一碗粥。不久服务员就端了杯桔子汁，我以爲送的，
什么都没说，
粥都喝完了，油条还没来。准备结帐时和服务员抱怨没吃到果子。
服务员说：你的”果汁"
不是喝了么？
36.我的一个朋友说，当时他一个不懂英文的朋友刚来多伦多，自己一个人出去了，迷路了然后打电话给他，他说没关系你把你现在呆的地方路名拼给我听，他朋友一个字母一个字母地拼出来了“s
—t–o–p",我那朋友当场就乐傻啦！
37.刚来上发现老外都喜欢用铅笔，所以去book
store跟风买铅笔和橡皮。找不到橡皮就问do
you
have
ruber.
人家笑笑说让我去phamacy买。郁闷。。。爲什么去药店买橡皮，去了药店问do
you
hv
ruber.人家笑笑拿给我一盒避孕套。我倒~~！！原来加拿大管橡皮叫eraser
38.刚来的时候
经常说you
too….结果我生日那天我的homestay
mom
买了个生日蛋糕给我，还跟我说happy
birthday…结果我很快的就来了句
you
too…
39.还有刚来加拿大的时候去买快餐，英文很烂我就说i
want
combo
one,后来那个人又说了一大堆英文问我要洋葱cheese么之类的？我听不懂就一个劲说i
want
combo
one,后来我看见那个人像中国人，我就直接问他can
you
spell
chinese?
然后那个人郁闷了好久我爲啥问他能能拼chinese..后来才发现是speak不是spell…………丢脸
40.想起来一个
是一同学第一次去吃mcdonald
结果进去后一紧张，大声说了句:i
want
to
this
han
baobao，边说边指
对方一时不知所措，我那同学又重复了n遍…
42.有个朋友来加拿大第一次去吃牛排，服务员问how
would
you
like
your
steak
done?
我朋友没听懂，就听别人点的时候说medium
,
他就想“我不能跟他们学”。
他就跟服务员说，large
please.
服务员一愣，说sorry
we
don’t
have
that.
然后他又说，small
please.
服务员又吓了一跳，说sorry
wedon’t
have
that.
他身边的朋友着急了，告诉他，人家问你牛排要几分熟。、他随口就说，80%
。服务员又一愣说，sorry
we
don’t
have
that……
48.我陪朋友去买车，当天逛了很多车行，留的电话全是我的
大家都知道，车行啊餐馆啊打电话给客户的时候都是以超级快的速度说了一大串东西，刚闯加拿大的我怎么听得清楚啊
某日，电话铃响，看电话号码是好像bmw打来的，愉快接听。
–
hello
·#￥%……—*#￥%,
it
is
a
great
day.
@#$%^
–hello,
is
it
bmw?
对方停顿两秒，声音低两度（估计暴汗）
–no.
it’s
toyota
and
lexus
。。。。。
这个估计和在麦当劳柜台问肯德基在哪儿差不多
49.还一个我妈的。。。我妈一天晚上从超市回来开车，天黑了，倒车的时候，突然喊了句。。。“妈呀，前面的车无人驾驶啊。。”我楞了，仔细一看。。。是个小黑在开车。。。
还有我爸一个，跟我爸妈去超市，看见一个好像南美洲的人，我爸说，“你看人家买东西，不看价，啥都要，都往小车里拿。。。。”后来我才明白，那是超市理货员，人家是把不该放那的东西拿走。。。
52.有个esl的女老师，在白板上写字，我沖她的背影大叫“excuse
me,
sir."
她转过来说"
i
need
to
consider
which
washroom
i
should
go."
54.刚来的时候去麦当劳吃饭
没有餐巾
然后跟人说要paper
那人过会给我拿来了张白纸
还问do
you
need
a
pen?
我狂晕了半天然后去厕所洗手的
55.同样发生在麦当劳.
我的某人初来报道.跑到m记买面包.之前表现很是不错,一直维持到服务员问here
or
to
go?.第一次接触外带餐这词,还好思维敏捷马上明白过来了,可是嘴上紧张,对着那男服务员直接喊出"let’s
go!"……服务员石化1秒后,说了句k.
59.我一朋友，中午去吃汉堡，厨子问他要加什么，他说：tomato,
cheese,
and
washroom
(
mushroom)
.
当时所有人流汗到地
-_-
60.一个朋友给我讲的
他刚来的时候去m.c
说了一句“i
want
a
combo
1”
就听casher
说“@#￥#@……%……”（因爲不习惯听不懂）
我朋友就说“yes”
然后casher
又说“！#￥%@#￥%”
我朋友说“yes”
后来后面的一个中国人实在忍不住了
告诉他“他问你是要刷卡还是给cash
你yes啥呀？？？”
61.还有我听朋友讲的。他们一起上esl，有个大哥每天都坐第一排，特认真的听课，然后有一天老师看他这么认真，上课就主动和他讲话。老师说：how
are
you?他说：twenty-two.老师忍了下说：what
did
you
do
yesterday?
他说：yes……从此老师再没和他对过话~~~
62.我朋友刚来，坐公车。有个传教士类的人特友好的跟他打招唿，说how
is
going.
他说go
to
school~~~~~那个人一下就不会了。。。
63.刚上初中那会儿第一次去学校厕所而且一般都要和office里的人报告就屁颠屁颠地跑去了，一到那里是个白人大妈值班看到我问我要干啥。。。我想想说厕所【washroom】是不是太土了点就和她说：where
is
the
bedroom
located?
i
need
to
pee。然后就看那大妈瞪着我问：excuse
me?
我就特傻地继续问：bedroom,
u
no
where
u
pee
and
poo
=.=
大妈想了想就微笑地和我说：i’m
sorry
honey
we
don’t
have
a
bedroom
in
school,
but
if
u
r
looking
for
a
bathroom
it’s
down
the
hall.
我当时就汗了，把bathroom说成bedroom
=.=|||
64.来的第二年了，我去商店买鞋，然后拿着就去问营业员：is
this
made
of
beef
or
pork
(
俺的意思就是猪皮还是牛皮的），那个营业员的表情到现在都记得。
65.刚来，去seneca
体育馆打羽毛球，不会说羽毛球，连手势带比划，看门小姐还是不懂。
急了！！！
大声的说：
i
want
a
ball
can
fly,
like
a
bird.
please
!
看门小姐一脸迷茫的跟我说了一堆。
我还是没懂。同去的朋友告诉我说：她不负责抓鸟。
69.刚来英国的时候跟一个女生去银行开户，一个银行职员很亲切地走上前来，还没开口说话，就听那女生说“may
i
help
you?”职员当时就石化，我就在后面拉她衣服，她侧头跟我说，别捣乱别捣乱。然后又对人家说了一次“may
i
help
you”
70.刚来的时候我们三人行，好朋友，两女一男。有天合伙去市场，那个男生想买茄子，上来就问“how
much
for
one
kilometer?”
我和另一个女生觉得太丢脸，默默的闪开装不认识他
71.某某老公刚来的时候英语很不好，坐天车的时候不小心踩了一个白人女的的脚，结果他想躲开的时候不小心又踩了那女的另一只脚……
然后那女的就瞪着他，他想说“im
sry”结果一着急就特别大声的说成了“it‘s
ok！”然后那女的就也特别大声的回他一句：“it’s
not
ok！！”全车人都疯了……
72.一个朋友,
才来英国不都是要去警察局注册嘛，我那个朋友当时英文不是一般的差，他连警察局怎么说都不知道。但是他还是很有勇气，一个人打算去警察局注册。走在路上，他随便抓了一个老爷爷，想问说警察局在哪里。但是他发音不标准，把police说成please，那个老爷爷挣扎了半天，听不懂～于是他着急了：“please啊，wear
hat,
use
gun！”一边说一边还比划动作。终于那个老爷爷听懂了，然后回答他：‘you
want
to
find
police?
they
are
everywhere!"
他更着急了，于是大声说“
no
no
no,
i
want
a
group
of
please,
they
stand
together…."那个老爷爷这次真的听懂了，原来他是要找police
station！于是老爷爷把他带去了，还对police说这个从中国来的小伙子英文不好，他需要帮助.
73.朋友的男朋友好勐，他刚来的时候去超市，人家问他要不要cash
back，他还以爲买东西还有钱收，就说要！
人家问他要多少，他就跟人家说：as
much
as
possible
!
75.说个我朋友的，
他叫李硕，刚来英国第2天有个老外问他说：r
u
sure?
他想都没想还笑嘻嘻的跟人说：yes
,
i
am
shuo
lee！
76.刚来的时候，住一个寄宿家庭的男生非要请我吃饭，结果就去了麦当劳
他问我你要什么，我帮你点。
我说我就要第一个的那个meal
就行。他说行，我跟你吃一样的。结果老哥上去就跟人家说“number
one
two."
点餐的白人听不懂，他跟人家大声地重复了三遍，他自己还特生气。
77.我有一朋友刚来，长的不错，遇一阿×搭讪，那哥们特直接，张口就问我朋友：r
u
married?
我朋友楞了下，来了句：i
am
not
mary,
i
am
sherry.
她以爲人家问她你是mary吗?
78.我想起来我一同学第一次来英国正好遇上入关检查特严，她妈妈让她给这边的一个朋友带了个金华火腿结果被狗狗闻出来了就被领取office了……
然后officer就要她解释用报纸包起来的东西是什么……
我那同学说leg……
然后那officer一脸被吓到的表情，问了句"pardon"
….
然后我那朋友很大声重复说leg！
她说我当时想那officer怎么连火腿都不懂，还特地在腿上比划了半天leg啊leg就是leg啊……
79.刚来的时候和朋友打电话去必胜客。。。
他菜单上面是
super
supreme
我就很激动的对着电话喊我要一个
super
super
me
!!!!
对方茫然
我还激动的大喊了好几声
super
super
me
!
对方继续茫然啊。。。
拼出来以后
对方才说哦哦哦
super
supreme
…..
一年都没有再定必胜客的东西
80.在网上看到一个人说他同学刚出国闹的笑话，问他最近干什么，他说去看电影，然后问他有什么好电影，他说过两天有一部电影叫“coming
soon”。
81.当时来英国不久,逛街的时候路上总有很多人发传单,所以就习惯性的会说:no,thanks.
结果有次人家给的是新年宣传纸,然后还跟我说:happy
new
year.
然后我很快回答:no,
thanks
83,
上英语课.跟同学做interview….
我问她喜欢做什么..她说…hanging
out
in
the
cafeteria
with
friends…
我当时就奇怪…为什么她喜欢吊在餐厅呢?
然后我去问那个助教…
我还做了嗰吊死的动作….
她看到后…笑到疯了….
我却很无奈….hanging
out…
84.第一次去超市买胶卷，拿着durex的果味condom隔着半个超市对着朋友大叫：i
found
it
here.
85.当时不知道微波炉怎么说，然后跟人比画，然后最后再补充“叮”一声。。。那人先是惊了一下，后来还是知道我们说的是微波炉
86.我来说一个,03年的时候在多伦多的seneca读eli,班上有一哥们英文不好,有天他来迟了,站在门口,说sorry,
i
am
late
for
class.
我们的miss是一个要求很严格的老太太,问他
how
come?
这哥们想了几秒,很认真,很诚恳的回答
by
bus.
全班爆笑,老太太一脸黑线~~~
此人说完之后准备走进来,老太太好容易克制了一下,说
hey,
you
can’t
go
to
the
classroom
like
this,
you
should
ask
me
"excuse
me,
miss,
may
i
sit
down?
这哥们很疑惑的看着老太太,
不说话,
估计是有点长没听明白.
老太太很耐心,接着说
fllow
me,
say
"may
i
sit
down"?
这回他似乎听懂了,很坚定的说了个"yes",然后潇洒的keep
walking~~~
老太太终于崩溃了,很配合的坐在自己的椅子上,全班狂笑~~~
87.跟人发飙，不注意说：“放屁！”
对手很confuse，说：“what
pee?"
我心想妈的你还装蒜，大吼一句：“不是尿是屁！！”
88.贡献一个，以前去租房子，问人家房子里会不会有蟑螂cockroach，结果问成了鳄鱼crocodile，中介一脸纳闷的回答没有。。。
89. Here's another one about my dad... During the holidays, the school
office called my
family home in China.
My dad was home alone and answered the phone... Amidst a string of English, he only heard my name, so he firmly replied: "xxx (my name) yes! English
no! Tomorrow
please!" and hung up...
The person on the other end was sweating bullets! Seriously, my dad really knows how to use basic English to its fullest potential!
90. When I first arrived, I went to buy secondhand goods from someone's rented house. Walking through a residential area, I was puzzled, thinking, "Why is this whole area full of public toilets? It's so strange..." because a row of houses had big signs that said "toilet." Several times I wanted to ask the senior next to me, but after walking a while, it suddenly dawned on me—they actually said "to
let"... I had mistaken it for "toilet"... Luckily I didn't ask, or I would have been so embarrassed... =
=
91. I suddenly remembered a joke a friend told about a guy from Northeast China when he was at language school, but that boy meant well.
That day, the guy was almost home after class when he saw two cars had collided. Out of kindness, he called the police. "Hi,
my
name
is
xxx,
one
car
crashed into
another
,
I
see
red
water
, please
call,
wuliwuli
come."
To explain, "a
car
fucked
a
car"
means car
crash; "
red
water" is meant to mean blood; and "wuliwuli" is ambulance, because that's what ambulance sounds like.

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