College romance

In college, I developed a crush on a girl named Qian. I wrote her several letters, but received no reply. In a fit of anger, I wrote her a mocking letter and that was it. Then one day in my sophomore year, while using the computer lab (that's when I started to become interested in computers), I saw two girls arguing about a Tuboc problem. I couldn't help but help them resolve it. I then opened a program and started drawing using a program (the other girl wasn't interested), and offered to lend her some kind of disk. When we parted, I learned her name was "Yun" (a pseudonym), and she was a quiet girl in her department. A few days later, I heard a sweet girl calling my name from outside my dorm. It was Yun. She said she wanted to borrow a CD. A few days later, she came to return the CD and suggested we go for a walk. I went downstairs with her in just a shirt. Although it was cold, I kept chatting with her. Later, I learned that she had been interested in me from the beginning, but hesitated for a day when she found out I was a year below her. The following Saturday, it was the same routine. I asked her if she had any materials for the CET-4 exam. She said she had a lot, so we agreed to go to the computer lab together on a certain day, and she would bring me the materials. When I went to the computer lab that day, I waited for an hour but didn't see her. My light bulb went out, and I came out. I saw her just then. Since I couldn't go to the computer lab, we found a classroom and sat together. Her hair cascaded down like a waterfall, and she smelled of fresh shower. She wasn't the overtly outgoing type, but she seemed very innocent. We chatted all the way, then went to a small restaurant for dinner. I drank some beer and felt a little tipsy. After leaving the restaurant, we strolled along the lakeside on campus. I kept unconsciously moving closer to her, while she kept avoiding me; we both felt a jolt of electricity. When we reached a tree, I suddenly hugged her and kissed her. She didn't pull away, but simply said softly, "Not here." So we moved to a secluded spot, where I had her sit on my lap and began to kiss her passionately. She seemed to have never kissed before, but slowly she began to respond. My hands began to move unconsciously to her chest; she seemed to tremble slightly but didn't resist. She whispered in my ear, "If you lie to me, I'll kill you." I swore it with absolute certainty, and it truly came from the bottom of my heart. I never expected our first date to go so smoothly, and I had truly fallen deeply in love with her. In the days that followed, we were inseparable, studying together (I couldn't concentrate on my books, I don't know how she was), eating together, and often boldly holding hands in the department. We discovered a secluded spot at the end of a staircase in the naval architecture department, and we often kissed there, even in broad daylight, unbuttoning her shirt to kiss her back. She was equally engrossed, holding me tightly. But one thing surprised me: Yun never let me touch her genitals, not even through her clothes. At the same time, she would sometimes press her genitals tightly against my thighs, and I could feel her genitals swelling. That year, I fell deeply into the mire of love. I cherished her in every way. When she went to study, no matter how cold the weather, I would go to see her off, pick her up, and carry her backpack; in the winter, I would wash her clothes, even hanging them out to dry in the dormitory, unafraid of the ridicule of my classmates. Because I was happy, I was willing. I always wanted to have sex with her, but it never happened. Firstly, she resolutely refused, and secondly, I didn't have the courage. I showed her my genitals, but she kept her eyes closed. Once, after much pleading, she allowed me to see, but as soon as my pants were pulled down to a tuft of pubic hair, she changed her mind. Another time, she felt my pants were wet and asked to see, but I refused. That year was unforgettable; I believed it was true love. During the summer after her senior year, I called her family one night, but her sister said she had already gone back to school. So I searched the entire campus for her and finally found her; she was studying (preparing for graduate school entrance exams). She didn't explain anything and just came out with me. We walked to a grassy area, where we kissed and hugged. I kissed her nipples. She was very absorbed; she didn't say a word the whole time. When everything calmed down, she said, "I have something to say to you." I didn't think much of it, but it turned out to be, "Let's break up." I thought it was a joke because there was no warning, no reason. She was decisive and told me to stop having desires, and that it wasn't for the graduate school entrance exams, and then she went back to her dorm. I was completely stunned; I felt like blood was about to burst from my chest… I sat downstairs at her place all night, motionless. Then, I stubbornly went to find her, but she ignored me; even when I bumped into her, she showed no emotion. Once, I found a teddy bear I'd given her dismembered at the garbage chute downstairs. It was something I'd spent a whole day painstakingly acquiring, scrimping and saving… My heart ached; I wished I could be dismembered like that bear. I didn't know why she did this, why? I had no choice but to start studying—studying software programming, studying professional knowledge. My progress was much better than before, but who knew the pain and bitterness in my heart… That year, she was sometimes kinder to me. Once, when I found her, we kissed, and she was very moved. The day she took her postgraduate entrance exam, she asked me to pick her up. When she went home for winter break, she asked me to help her buy her ticket. When it came time for job assignments, she even talked to me about it. I deeply regret not knowing how to find a job back then; otherwise, I could have definitely helped her find a job in the city so she could stay and have future opportunities. She was about to graduate and became even more friendly towards me; we could chat often. I remember once by the lake, she half-jokingly said, "If I come back, will you still accept me?" For some inexplicable reason, I couldn't say anything, and she just laughed it off, saying, "Just kidding." I've always regretted it. On the last evening before she left, I had a feeling she was coming to see me, so I went downstairs. She came, just after showering, wearing a blue dress. She said, "Let's go to your dorm!" If she had gone, that night might have been different. Unfortunately, that night a bunch of bastards were playing cards in the dorm! We could only walk around campus until midnight. We kissed and hugged, but had no chance to test things further, and the mosquitoes were bothering us! The next morning, my dad came to visit, but I didn't have time to go. I said I had to see a classmate off, so I went to buy her some things. It was a struggle to get the store open, but unfortunately, I was broke. Otherwise, I would have bought her the moon without hesitation. I took a taxi to the train station. Train stations at this time of year are always particularly melancholic, with groups of classmates singing "True Heroes." I knew her seat, so I put the things on it, and then she arrived. We hugged and kissed in the carriage, each wanting to merge into the other… Then I said, "Say goodbye to your classmates," and got off the train. A group of people surrounded her, talking about this and that; some girls were crying. I stood on a step in the distance watching her, and tears welled up in my eyes. I turned away, letting the tears flow freely. A little while later, one of her classmates came to call me, saying that Yun wanted to talk to me. We were separated by the train carriage, our eyes meeting, tears streaming down our faces! She grabbed my arm, holding on tightly, saying "Cherish..." But I couldn't say anything, I just held her hand, tears streaming down my face... God, why did we have to be like this? Why can't we be together?! The train started moving, and I sped along with it, my clothes soaked with tears and sweat. "Yun" was really gone, and I returned to the empty campus like a ghost. Every day, I thought of "Yun," of the time we spent together. Seeing the classroom where we used to study together, my heart ached. After that, I never studied again, and I started smoking, smoking heavily. Next, I completely changed. I became taciturn and started working part-time at a software company, burying myself in the silent rules of life. For a long time, I lost interest in girls. I became inactive, felt old, and found it hard to believe I used to be such a slick boy. People said I had become mature and stable. To this day, I still don't know why "Yun" left me. I remember once she asked me, "What do you think of virginity?" I thought she might have something to tell me, so to force her to speak quickly, I replied with something like "very important." She then asked me, "What if a woman was forced into virginity by a thug?" Heaven knows I actually said something like, "It's better for a woman to fight to the death than to lose her virginity," and even caused a stir. At the time, she didn't ask anything more, and I didn't pay attention, just taking it as idle chatter. Looking back now, it's very likely related to her own character (she later mentioned that in junior high, a bad guy pulled out his penis and chased her, but she ran away; when I pressed her about the reason for the breakup, she said she'd find out later, and that she wanted to find an honest man to marry). Is this the truth? If that's the case, "Yun," do you know? I really didn't care. Now I'm mature, and I wouldn't talk nonsense like that anymore. Being with you is better than anything. Perhaps, because I was a poor student back then?But Yun, do you know? After you left, my monthly income as a student exceeded 1,000 yuan. A year after graduation, I bought a two-bedroom apartment in a beautiful neighborhood, fully furnished with all kinds of appliances. More than two years later, my annual income exceeded 100,000 yuan. Although not very wealthy, it was enough for you to live a comfortable life. Perhaps it was because I was so attached to being with you that I neglected my studies, and you couldn't see a future for me? Actually, your initial feeling was right; I was still excellent. Immediately after graduation, I went to a foreign company as a project leader, and a year later, I became a deputy manager and chief engineer at another company. Now, I work as a researcher at a globally renowned company. The software I developed can even be found in pirated versions. But, Yun, I can no longer find you. This is the biggest regret of my life. If there is an afterlife, I will never let you go again! If only I had been bolder back then, a little more forceful, and made love to you, perhaps you wouldn't have left, and you wouldn't have caused me this lifelong pain.

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College romance

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