My Thug Girlfriend

It's said that there are two types of college students whose lives are incomplete. One type is those who go straight to graduate school; they don't experience the heart-wrenching,
soul-crushing pain of parting before graduation. The other type is those who haven't experienced love in college; they can't understand the bittersweet
feeling . This saying is especially prevalent in senior year. At the start of the sophomore semester, in the small pubs near the university, the most loyal guys start
piling up like piles of excrement, drunk and sprawled in vomit, snapping chair legs like bottles, or grabbing someone and crying uncontrollably,
repeatedly shouting "I love you." Another group is spending extra time in their dorms, diligently working on their love lives, trying to catch one last romantic flight,
so that their college years won't be wasted.
Damn, riding a limping mule, I accompanied Marco Polo through ancient Greece to the Kublai Khan Empire, then boarded a time machine to the future, carrying the entire

year of 1995. In April, my thesis was practically finished, belonging to the category where moving up a level was difficult, and going down was equally challenging. But I
still reported to the lab at dawn, because my soon-to-retire supervisor would always come for a surprise inspection in the morning. She'd leave first, and
I'd slip away immediately, often receiving praise, either personally or anonymously, saying that young people should strive to be like me. Then I'd go back to my bedroom and sleep until it was
pitch black, waiting for one of my buddies to report, and then a bunch of us would drag each other to "Youth Without Regret" or "Eat You Without Discussion" to get completely drunk.

Once, we stayed up from 3 pm to 5 am, creating
the legend of seven people drinking all 24 cases of beer left in the "Youth Without Regret" warehouse—of course, it's possible the boss was exaggerating the expenses to make more money. It is said that the record was broken soon after, but according to the scout, they
separated after drinking, leaving my rascal girlfriend and me behind. My rascal girlfriend suddenly gulped down a mouthful of beer, then coughed awkwardly, saying that later my
case of beer only had 12 bottles, and each bottle was a small 500ml bottle. I met my rascal girlfriend in late April. That day, the professor made
the other students tremble with fear and dare not say a word. The day before, I was lying under the table until the hotel opened in the morning, so sleepy that I really missed that smelly
single bed, and the Akana Rika on the ceiling that had been humiliated by my gaze tens of thousands of times. If my gaze were bullets, she would have been riddled with holes long ago.
My friend rushed in and announced that the dormitory management was coming to inspect the hygiene. I don't know if she was desperate or if it was a deliberate arrangement, but she jumped up and down The bed was filled with the colors of spring,
but as she passed by me, I still slapped the top of her nightgown down to her shoe heel, casually uttering what would later become a special skill in my life: "
Teacher, you look so beautiful today, like an old peony blooming in April. Your wife must be so nervous at home." My teacher was a capable woman who managed everything
inside and outside the home wife," naturally appreciating my occasional unconventional flattery. She immediately
retorted playfully... "If you keep saying that, I'm going to tell your teacher's wife when I get back!" Then, with a sudden twist of his backside, he left the lab, leaving me to
forcefully suppress my waning desire amidst the admiring spittle of my brothers.

The weather was peculiar; it was already warm enough to wear a light shirt, but suddenly a downpour started, and the temperature plummeted to below ten degrees Celsius. People seemed to
be suspended in a state of suspended animation, filled with unseen and intangible pheromones, making even the cockroaches itch with excitement. In
our terms, this was... A lewd season.

That night, a group of fellow Fujianese dragged me to Time Travel for some Kung Fu tea. After two hours of downing tea, my engorged bladder
couldn't hold it in any longer , so I slipped away to a dark alley between Time Travel and the "Eat You Without Consultation Center" to do some target practice. I got into position, ready to fire at the telephone pole
, when a series of loud retching sounds came from the side, followed by a very rough female voice saying, "Damn it, your little penis doesn't have eyes, but it does, right?"
I wanted to say sorry. Her insult instantly ruined my temper. I said I had eyes, because you were born looking like a chamber pot. She was
probably drunk, unable to vomit, and shoved me while staggering. She herself was weak and unsteady, clinging to a telephone pole and spinning around.
She pointed at Fanghua Wuhui and said, "Brother, if you're so capable, let's go in and have a go."

The grand prize lottery number led him to beg his way back to his alma mater, then he took out a large sum of money and scattered it on the ground for the damn head of the cooking department to lick. One brother was greedy...

I was happily drafting the old tortoise's eulogy when suddenly a dark shadow appeared before me, and from the large shadow... A small bamboo pole, upon closer inspection
, revealed a finger at the tip. That finger trembled and shouted, "Was that you, the old man and the young woman, just now?" I raised my arm to block it, laughing and scolding, "Where did this old bamboo shoot come from?
Too old to chew, still out selling itself!" I suggested finding another one to make a pair, perfect chopsticks. Those chopsticks poked right into my little sun, almost knocking me over.
They even said, "I don't need a lover, I only envy the immortals, I prefer to be alone." Beside me, the millennium-old bug tugged at my sleeve and muttered, "Isn't that your Coca-Cola over there?"

Drinking, besides fostering relationships, also serves as a test of lung capacity and alcohol tolerance. There's a hero in my class who can drink 640ml... Drinking a milliliter of beer in one gulp.
Work goes like this: A week ago, Millennium Bug and I were lying on the grass, eating bread with beer. Two bottles of beer were gone in
no time. Our forced attempt at the Cao Cao-style "quelling thirst by looking at plums" method failed again; our mouths were indeed very dry. We were still modestly
wearing red suits, as happy as a Spanish cow in heat in the Roman Colosseum, circling back and forth in the lab, howling and
blaming each other for the great achievement of purchasing. Just then, a girl with a figure resembling a small Coke bottle skipped past, carrying a Coke bottle. "Li," the
"Little if you're so capable, why don't you seduce her? I'll drink the small bottle, you drink the big one." I thought, "What's so difficult about that?" So I stood up, walked
up to her, bowed deeply, and said, "We just came down from Mars, our engines are smoking and burning hot in the atmosphere. Please, with your humanitarian
spirit, extinguish this raging fire with your saliva!" The girl was taken aback at first, then smiled and burst into laughter, saying, "You're so agitated, one bottle of water is
clearly not enough. Instead of trying to save us, why not come to the convenience store and have a good drink with me?" Later, I spent a dance ticket and a movie ticket to make her my temporary girlfriend. Watching
her, overwhelmed by the emotions of graduation, seemingly wanting to offer herself to me, I knew perfectly well it was just graduation syndrome. Taking a step back, I declared... The discussion,
the point, and the decision to act decisively once the opportunity arises, based on her personality, I trust she wasn't joking. That day was incredibly hot, standing at the entrance of the ICBC,
she cried bitterly, saying that her mission to Earth was complete and she had to return, that we had no chance to continue in the next life.

She retired early at 30 and stayed home counting money. We agreed that when we reached the age of fifty, we would all go back to our alma mater to have a good cry.
She shivered in the bitter wind and rain. A week later, the sky cleared, and immediately it was springtime again, a beautiful spring scene, a climate reminiscent of the great rivers and mountains of our homeland. The air was not only
filled with... I took pictures of the old tortoise and the millennium bug, saying, "This is a family matter, brother, I'll finish it in two minutes. Maybe you'll have two sisters-in-
law in the future." Then she shrugged, picked up the Coke bottle and the chamber pot chopsticks, and walked out. Later they said that pose was incredibly cool, just like the Godfather of Hollywood.
As soon as I stepped out the door, I knew something bad was going to happen. The two of them turned away and I became incredibly awkward. Then, the chamber pot chopsticks bent over and did a bridge fall. The flying
posture immediately reminded my brain of a similar scene from eight years ago. I couldn't help but curse, "Kick you, you old man!" I held my head and waited to fall
in love with a Victorian lady. I stayed in Great Britain and became Helen's gigolo. The rest of them became industry elites around 2000.
The sharp pain and sorrow of that fall, as soon as I landed, I was picked up by the collar. Then my thug girlfriend asked, "Are you Little Fei Bo Li Yifei?" I
replied, "Birds return to their nests." Before parting, of course, there was revelry and debauchery every night. On the platform, tears flowed before any melody could even begin. "I cried so hard the Great Wall collapsed, I cried so hard Gezhouba fell down—
it's Liu Lanjun! We haven't seen each other for years, how have you grown into such a mess?" If those fifty-eight seconds of my life were deleted, I would have
created record for successfully seducing a woman in an instant. Unfortunately, life is always unpredictable, and good dreams are always hard to fulfill. In the blink of an eye, we were back at it, drinks galore, and the feast had begun.
My girlfriend, a bit of a rascal, had long forgotten our purpose. Her big mouth spilled all the dirt on me and me, and she laughed so hard she slapped her thigh, making me
feel sorry for her leg cells. Liu Lanjun, her mouth stuffed with Mapo Tofu, began to boast about how she used to take advantage of me—
nothing more than stealing fish and shrimp from the mountains and digging sweet potatoes and potatoes from the river. Her catchphrase, "Twist off your little flying head,"
was supposedly her absolute favorite, though she used it far less often than I did, because she always thought she was the one bullying me.
That same afternoon, just like nine years ago, my best friend from middle school (I was his best man at his wedding) called me, saying he had a letter from me…

She used to live in the same compound as me, and we were classmates from elementary to junior high. From a young age, she was fierce and strong, and we were both considered the epitome of being born into the wrong family.
Actually, back then I was small and weak, quite… Because my parents desperately wanted a daughter, and since I already had an older brother, they hoped I would be a girl. When I was born and my
gender was confirmed and unchangeable, they were filled with regret, yet they still piled all sorts of feminine items woven by their aunts and uncles onto my head, forcing me to
attend a girls' pub at the age of eight. However, I later felt quite dissatisfied with my lack of innate beauty, since if I didn't look then, I wouldn't have
the chance later. She wouldn't allow other boys to bully me, yet she wanted me to willingly accept her dictatorial rule. She believed she was born into the wrong body because I had stolen her
male form. In class, other boys would put caterpillars in girls' pencil cases, and she would draw a line down the middle, waiting for me to walk into it with a sharpened pencil,
or she would pinch my thigh frequently, because it was a more secluded spot and less likely to be used as evidence in court. She also wouldn't let me cry out, which kept me on edge. Later,
the teachers thought I had developed a neurosis and were hesitant to let me answer questions in class. Her most classic roguish outburst occurred in her third year of junior high. At that time, we
discovered an air-raid shelter in the back hills. During the Cultural Revolution, some people had committed suicide or disposed of their bodies there. The passageways were littered with old bones, and there were rumors that some
murderers and robbers often roamed the area. To demonstrate their indomitable and heroic spirit, the boys all put on a fearless
act, their gear consisting of a candle and a box of matches. While exploring, their outward appearance was definitely stubborn, but their inner hearts were definitely beating a little drum. When we were traveling together,
she was in front of me with a flashlight, turning it off every now and then (which terrified me; once, I was so scared in the dark I almost cried out). She patted
my shoulder and appeared behind me, saying, "Don't be afraid, look what this is." I saw her waving a femur at me, and I screamed in unison. Then she suddenly
thought of something, happily and mysteriously saying, "Let's sleep together," and reached out to take off my clothes.

Old Turtle and the others, hearing what was inappropriate for children, looked at me with murderous eyes, and seized the opportunity to pay the bill and run away. The Coke bottle was long gone.
Auntie forced a smile, saying she slept late last night and wouldn't dare to do it again. After Auntie went to the neighbor's dormitory to cause a commotion, the other (thugs)
wrote to you, "Why don't you reply to my letters?" Because later her parents worked... Due to a transfer, she never had the chance to display her unparalleled roguish charm again. She
mentioned that the letter Xin Ting sent me shortly after his studies was from a new classmate who, after keeping his promise, forgot to bring toilet paper and tore the envelope to wipe his bottom. I glanced
at it and refused his suggestion to spank me. I wrote a letter to the address he vaguely recalled, and then there was no further contact
for seven or eight years. After a few moments of sighing and embracing each other, we stumbled back to the dormitory. I offered to walk her home, and she offered to walk me. In my dazed state, I vaguely
recall The next morning, I woke up to find myself perfectly fine, lying in bed. Looking closely, the bed resembled

a puddle of mud. Unfortunately, this is life, and just life; lies will eventually be exposed, and life must go on. Afterwards, Li Xiaofei was slapped on the ear by a Coke bottle under the guise of official business.
I asked where Xianxiang was, and she replied that it was her Qionglu Yu Kui Guiyu. Last night, she went to great lengths to convince her aunt that I was a female classmate, only because
she was born ugly and had body odor, and she became so disheveled by getting drunk to commemorate her first heartbreak. Before I could ask if I had been molested while naked, she
crawled into the room, not forgetting to bury my head in the blanket on her chest, while earnestly lecturing me to endure humiliation and bide my time, while her
roommate had already surrounded the two of us, using the Ten Great Interrogation Methods of the Qing Dynasty to torture our relationship. I was blushing with embarrassment at being exposed to the spring scenery from behind the overturned bunker, while she,
under the torment of the most cruel of the seventy-two tortures—the tickling method—still declared with unwavering magnanimity that our camaraderie was pure and righteous,
her will undeniably resolute and her stance undeniably honorable.

After a twenty-minute, unrestrained public deliberation by the committee, the chairman of the executive committee, Coke Bottle, announced the fairest and most lenient verdict against me,
as follows: Li Xiaofei, for committing the crimes of trespassing into the girls' dormitory, being naked in public, and hooliganism (attempted), the circumstances are serious and the crimes are heinous. Considering
his relatively good attitude in admitting his guilt and his private relationship with Liu Aiqing, he is now being punished with the following reduced sentence: one month for sweeping up the spilled garbage and opening the water dispenser
; one month for being a public boyfriend implementing a lottery system, with a quick Monday, a Coke Bottle on Tuesday… a urinal and chopsticks on Saturday, and public property on Sunday.
Those who perform well may have their sentences extended, and the sentence must be served within the specified period without appeal. If this is a science fiction novel, the author will note at the end: Li Xiaofei
? I blew through my drunken eyes and saw that the back of what had been a chamber pot and now chopsticks was actually a Coke bottle. I immediately sobered up considerably. He
and his women had many piglets, living a miserable, almost pathetic, happy life. If this is an absurd film, the director will
... After many years, I finally understand... Actually, I like you, I've always liked you since I first met you. For a long time... In the past, I imagined
Li Xiaofei repeatedly boiling water, his back gradually hunching over as time went by, until he was parallel to the floor and finally turned into a
beam of light. He would burn his big toe when the kettle exploded, cut his ring finger while cleaning the glass, endure the punches of Lin Qingxia's boyfriend, and while embracing a pair of
braids in the Norwegian jungle with a pure and lovely look and a mature woman's charm, he would also eat roasted chestnuts bought from his rascal girlfriend, Granny Bear,
leaving behind a sad memory of never having a goal on his forehead.

My thuggish girlfriend had planned this bank robbery all along. When it was her turn, she casually pulled out two toy guns, one for each of us, and demanded I accompany her.
Under the blazing sun, even in long sleeves, I was sweating profusely. When the armored truck arrived, I stared at the SWAT officers' six- or seven-centimeter-diameter submachine guns
, my body trembling. She poked me while grinning at the officers, and seeing the situation turning sour, she quickly pretended to be arrogant and tried to escape. I hid in the
shade of the outhouse, standing on the toilet, urging my terrified little brother to stay put no matter how dire the situation. Suddenly,
a low shout rang in my ear: "Don't move!" My thuggish girlfriend jumped in, holding a toy gun. The arrogant man next to me, startled, wet his pants
. The briefcase he was carrying fell to the ground with a thud, and a real handgun fell out.

Later, as the saying goes, "Heaven's net is vast, its meshes are wide, yet nothing escapes it." My rascal girlfriend and I were rewarded. Besides a rather generous bonus, we were even
granted a special visit to Tilanqiao Prison. In the reception room, we made a point of visiting the poor wretch who had failed in his kidnapping attempt. Seeing
how haggard he had become in just a few days, we were struck by the vicissitudes of life. That night, my girlfriend got completely drunk, recounting her past
experiences . She said she was one of the two heroines in a campus love tragedy. The two widely circulated love tragedies were as follows: one was a couple who, six months prior
, lived together off-campus and died young from carbon monoxide poisoning; the other was a year earlier, a couple was attacked by a drunk
taxi It's said the man reacted quickly, pushing his girlfriend away while he himself was crushed. Later, my rascal girlfriend cried out that I was useless and that I had caused his death
, collapsing into my arms. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn't help but lean down and kiss her.

I ignored her and went to another place... The problem was solved, so I went back to the teahouse to continue the debate with my fellow debaters. We ordered two bottles of Lao Bai (a type of Chinese liquor
). I had already passed my defense on June 10th and, as a successful person, stayed in Shanghai, where a blue-stamp household registration cost 100,000 yuan at the time. My hoodlum
girlfriend was sent to a brothel by her corrupt father with a huge sum of money. Old turtles, millennium worms, Black Mountain demons, Coke bottles, Chongqing, or the jungles of Norway—all these things
led to a new Huangpu (a prestigious university in China). Liu Lanjun became much more distant from me after that night. We had agreed to go back to my middle school to visit our teachers after graduation, but instead
, she packed her bags and secretly slipped away, and I haven't heard from her since. I spent two boring months at my hometown, mostly
chatting, Then I rushed to the middle school that had hired me. Delivering my inaugural speech in the classroom, I looked around at the men and women in the room
and couldn't help but recall my tumultuous past with my tomboyish girlfriend, the innocent love we shared in the air-raid shelter—but all of that was gone forever. I
often paused during class to look at the blue sky outside the window, at the vibrant flowers blooming on the lawn, at this world teeming with people. I
knew I wasn't a boy, then I realized I wasn't wearing any clothes, and then she came back from outside carrying a washbasin.
I knew all too well that although I deeply loved this podium and deeply loved the students here, I didn't belong here. So, two years later, I left
that high school and returned to my original alma mater to pursue graduate studies.

A friend abroad wrote, asking when I would come to pick up my things. I immediately dropped all my experiments and drove five kilometers to the high school. When he
returned after teaching a class, he pulled out a letter from his large drawer, its cover missing, saying it had been abandoned in the principal's office for a long time (that damned principal, I've already paid my dues
!). The letter read: "During these days abroad, in the quiet of the night, I often think of the many things that brought me..." My cheerful self,
so many years have passed, how are you...? Please forgive my abrupt departure. Although he wasn't my boyfriend, he died because of me. His parents even
came to comfort me; they are all such good people, and I have no way to repay them. Being with you was truly joyful, but I can't let go of the time we
spent together. After I transferred schools, you didn't reply to my messages... Do you know how happy I was to see you again? That night you kissed me, but
why didn't you hold me and loudly proclaim your love for me? You... "Do you understand? I've been waiting for this day for so long... Please forgive me for only telling you everything today,
because I'm currently considering whether to go back to my home country after graduation, or stay here forever..."

The message was signed by your rascal girlfriend. I wept uncontrollably. God, I would give my life for you, but why does fate play such cruel tricks on me,
pushing the people I love so far away time and time again, shattering my dreams time and time again? I couldn't help but sob. My best friend laughed out loud. I angrily retorted, "
What are you laughing at?!" She ripped open her shirt, pointed to her chest, and said, "Do you know how painful it is here?" He nodded repeatedly, "Of course I know,
but I forgot to show you something," and pulled out a paper bag from his hand. I quickly tore it open, and inside was a dozen rolls of
toilet paper and a note that read—"I don't believe this much toilet paper isn't enough to wipe your deadbeat's big asshole all the way to his lips!"

Oh, my rascal girlfriend, how utterly and unscrupulously I love you

!

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