I will never be a virgin again.

To be honest, I think my first experience was really tragic. Looking back now, I feel so pathetic .

I'm 22 years old and a junior in college. How should I put it? I think I'm somewhere between avant-garde and conservative. I can understand many things, like
one-night stands and online dating, but I wouldn't do them. It's not that I'm reserved, it's just that I haven't met the man I love.

To have more freedom, I rented an apartment off-campus. Of my three close friends, I'm the only virgin. To be honest, being
surrounded by non-virgins makes me feel suffocated, a strange kind of suffocation. It's quite infuriating, really; some of their actions always affect my mood.

Wang Yi was in the same grade as me, and we were in the same class in junior high. Back then, Wang Yi was dating a boy in our class, and they were very sweet together every day. I would receive a love letter almost every
two days . Sometimes Wang Yi would take it out and read a few paragraphs to me, letting me share in her happiness, which made me very jealous.

I remember once, Wang Yi and her boyfriend had a fight, and in a fit of pique, he jumped from the third floor of the teaching building, injuring his leg. It caused quite a stir at the school.
I accompanied a tearful Wang Yi to visit her boyfriend at his home. I tactfully left early, leaving Wang Yi there until late at night. The next day, Wang Yi told me
she wanted to marry him and love him forever. I remember her expression then: gazing into the distance, a slight smile playing on her lips, happy and resolute, as if she had experienced a great deal. I think,
from that night on, Wang Yi was no longer a virgin.

Three months after her sexual assault, Wang Yi broke up with her boyfriend. "I felt we weren't mature enough," her boyfriend said, and dumped her as easily as throwing away
clothes . Soon after, he found an even more alluring woman outside the marriage.

One day, Wang Yi locked herself in her room and made three cuts on her wrists along her pulse points with a razor blade. By the time she was discovered, the blood had already flowed outside the door.
She then spent three months in a hospital bed, like a worm in its cocoon. Suddenly, she had a profound awakening, emerging like a butterfly. Her eyes became captivating, full of tender affection, enchanting all who beheld her
. I don't know how many boyfriends Wang Yi had; she seemed quite happy. Only every time she washed her hands, the ladder-like
scars .

Another girl, Xue Nan, was a very simple girl. When tampons were popular, she bought some and used them too. Then people said it wasn't good for teenage girls to use
tampons , so she switched to something else. When purple lipstick and black nail polish were fashionable, she secretly wore them at school. Later, fashion magazines said that this style
was outdated, so she switched to a more girlish look. Whenever a singer held a concert at the stadium, she would queue overnight to buy tickets and scream hysterically at the venue. When Xue Nan
received her first love letter, she felt both sweet and apprehensive. Later, Xue Nan also started carefully applying makeup every night and going to those dark corners to meet her boyfriend. I
suspect that if her boyfriend had encouraged Xue Nan to give herself to him for love, she definitely would have, even if she wasn't sure if she loved him. She wasn't a
girl . Later, she said that she lost her virginity after watching a pornographic film at her boyfriend's house.

Another girl named Chen Huan told me she couldn't remember when her hymen broke, nor the man's name. She said she only remembered
going wild at a disco all night—dancing, drinking, getting dizzy—and then sleeping with a man. She couldn't even remember what he looked like. But
she said it hurt a lot.

Living with them is great in every way, except it makes me feel uncomfortable being a virgin. But I often tell them I'm not that stupid, I won't
just give my virginity to any boy, and I don't trust anyone.

I won't stand alone and helpless in the rain late at night, nor will I close the doors and windows and turn on the gas in my room on a heartbroken afternoon. I won't
foolishly hug a pillow and cry my eyes out in bed, or like a madman, smoking a cigarette and wandering around the room with a kitchen knife. I like to sit
on the soft sofa in the living room, leaning back comfortably, with a footstool under my feet. I'll open all the doors and windows, letting the lazy sunlight stream in.

I've always considered myself a girl with a detached personality, and I don't have much of a desire for sex. However, I often thought back then: virginity is something I'll eventually
lose , and before I do, I want to be its master. Being a virgin in this day and age is pretty boring, really. It's not that I have a
huge desire for sex; I just don't like being a virgin.

I once had a fight with Chen Huan. I've forgotten why we fought, but I remember it was a really heated argument. I called her a "shameless little
bitch ." To my surprise, she didn't care at all. She swayed her slender waist and then contemptuously mocked me, calling me an "unwanted old maid." Hearing her say that, I immediately
burst into tears. I don't know why I started crying; it was quite embarrassing because Chen Huan didn't seem upset at all, but I was devastated. I felt
so insecure after being insulted like that.

The night we argued, I told myself I would never be a virgin again. So I started thinking about how to end my virginity. But after thinking about it, I still felt pretty
pointless , because I really didn't have any feelings for any man.

However, from that day on, I changed a lot. I even started paying more and more attention to my own body. One day, a shy
thought suddenly occurred to me: what exactly does a hymen look like? Is it like a thin piece of paper? A piece of gold foil? Or a piece of white jade? I suddenly wanted to see my own hymen
. After hesitating for a moment, I took a small round mirror and sneaked into the bathroom.

I felt nervous as soon as I entered the bathroom. I can't quite describe the feeling; I felt like a thief. I was breathing heavily as I carefully took off
my clothes and slowly examined my body from head to toe in the mirror. I've always maintained a good figure, and I'm
satisfied with every part of my body, but I've never tried to look at my hymen before. Later, I looked at that area in the mirror, but I couldn't see it at all. Afterward, I took a shower
and came out, throwing the small mirror into the trash bag with a hint of disgust.

Strangely, the next day, I woke up to find everything completely different; the world seemed stripped bare before my eyes. That day,
I walked down the street, watching the pedestrians passing by, each one impeccably dressed, their expressions solemn. Looking at them, I thought to myself: These
men, naked, it must be a completely different scene. My God! That's when I realized I'd undergone a major change. What should I call it? Was it
an awakening of sexual awareness? I don't know.

Later, I randomly boarded a bus, driven by a grumpy female driver. As I walked past her, I wondered:
Does she become gentle when she's having sex with her husband at night?

That day, I sat alone in the middle of the bus, arms crossed over my chest, feeling that all the men around me were looking at me with impure eyes. They were looking out the windows
at the huge posters on the street, staring at the protruding breasts of the female celebrities on the posters, their minds filled with XL fantasies. In my opinion, men don't necessarily
prefer women with hymens; they prefer the more alluring type.

I felt very nervous at the time. Every time I looked at a man, I thought about sex. It wasn't that I wanted to have sex with them, but I just thought that they would have sex. So I just
stood there imagining what their expressions would be when they had sex. As I was thinking about it, my face started to burn and my heart started beating abnormally.

Later, I got off at a random stop. As I passed a bridal shop, I saw two couples busily trying on wedding dresses. Watching them, I wondered
: Did that girl still have a hymen? I've always believed that the happiness and fulfillment of a marriage has nothing to do with the hymen.

I feel that a young girl's virginity is too fragile and too easily lost, and to be honest, this terrifies me.

For example, the hymen can rupture unexpectedly while running, wrestling, doing the splits, or playing soccer.

For example, one could be raped in the woods at night.

For example, when drinking with boys, there might be sleeping pills in their drinks.

For example, she might have been misled by a guy's sweet talk, only to have him take advantage of her vulnerability.

For example, being targeted by someone powerful. This person could be a teacher who controls her studies, a corrupt police officer who controls her safety, a boss who controls her career
prospects , a relative who controls her life... They could all forcibly take it away. That day, my mind was filled with thoughts about sex and virginity
, and I felt really pathetic that I was still a virgin.

I just wandered around the streets aimlessly, not buying any clothes or cosmetics, but then I somehow ended up in a sex shop and looked at
all the stuff inside very closely. I even bought a box of condoms. Looking back, I was really behaving erratically that day.

That evening, I passed by a bar. I never go into bars before, but that day I inexplicably went in. It was a small bar, and
when I went in, there was only one man sitting there. After I sat down, I ordered a Coke because I didn't know what brand of drink to order and was afraid of
looking silly , so I just randomly chose a Coke. Unexpectedly, when I said "Coke," the man turned around and glanced at me. I think he must have thought
I was strange; maybe you should drink something when you go to a bar. After a while, he came over to me and politely asked if he could sit with me. My
heart was pounding, and I nodded, unable to say a word. After he sat down opposite me, I noticed his appearance; he was quite handsome, my type.

We started talking afterwards, but I can't remember what we talked about. Looking at his face, all I could think about was what he looked like during sex.
Then I wondered if he was also thinking about what I would be like in bed. Thinking about that, I found myself craving sex. This was
the first time in my 22 years that I truly craved sex.

Later, he ordered a lot of alcohol, and I drank quite a bit too. Around 10 p.m., he asked me if I wanted to go to his place. I agreed without hesitation. I was actually
quite .

His house wasn't big, but it wasn't messy, and the air freshener he used smelled really nice. I don't remember what else was in his house, because
I was already on his bed shortly after I entered.

My teeth chattered when he kissed me because it was my first kiss. Before that, I had never been in contact with any boy, not even holding hands.

Later, he took off my clothes, and I didn't resist. I liked the feeling of relaxation; yes, I just felt very relaxed at the time. He seemed quite nervous;
it was hot day, and he was sweating a lot while taking off his clothes. Later, when he stripped me naked, I reacted very strongly when he touched and licked my body. I remember
feeling particularly horny at that moment, and I think I even tried to seduce him like the women in adult films.

I wasn't prepared at all when he went in. Although I wouldn't refuse him entry, I was wondering whether I should tell him it
was my first time. I was hesitating, feeling I should tell him, since it was my first time!

Before I could think it through, I suddenly felt a sharp pain and screamed loudly. He froze, startled, and asked me what was wrong. I was in so much pain that
I couldn't speak . Later, he saw the blood on the sheets. I saw it too; it was just a small patch.

His expression immediately turned terrifying. He asked me what happened and why I was bleeding. I said it was my first time, so of course there would be blood. He was furious
. He stared at me for a long time, then called me crazy.

I asked him why I was acting crazy. He said why I didn't tell him I was a virgin, and why I agreed to have sex with him even though I was a virgin. I said, so what if I
'm a virgin? Does being a virgin mean I don't have the right to have sex? He ignored me, then looked at me with a questioning gaze and said he didn't like women who were clingy, and he didn't like taking
responsibility . I laughed and said, "What responsibility do you want me to take?" I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I had initially thought he was alright, but I didn't know how he had suddenly become so
ridiculous and sleazy. I knew what he was thinking. He simply thought that because I gave him my virginity, I would cling to him. Was it really that serious?

What happened next was even more ridiculous. He asked me if I was in love with him. How am I supposed to answer a question like that from a man? Of course I had some feelings for him,
but what exactly is love? I really didn't understand. I answered that I wasn't in love with him, I just liked him. Unexpectedly, he told me not to fall in love with him because he had
a girlfriend . I said, "So what?" What I really was thinking was, what does it matter to me whether he has a girlfriend or not? But then he got nervous. He explained that he
really did have a girlfriend, and they were very close. I thought to myself, if they're close, why are they having sex with me? Are all men like this?

I think this kind of man is pretty boring, and I want to leave, but my lower body is really sore. I asked him if I could stay the night because it hurt so much. He
looked at me, maybe trying to figure out if I was serious, or maybe he was analyzing whether I was crazy. He said it was best not to stay the night
because his girlfriend might come over.

Later, I endured the pain, got dressed, and left. He walked me to the street. As he left, I looked back at him intently, wanting to etch that
silhouette into my memory. After all, he was my first man.

When I got back to the dorm that day, they all figured it out. They were really sharp; they all asked if I'd lost my virginity. I
still . But all three of them were really nice to me that day, taking good care of me, getting me hot water, and helping me to bed. When they left, Chen Huan smiled and said, "
Great, we don't have any virgins left here."

【over】

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I will never be a virgin again.

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