College student prostitute never returns

Dou Dou (pseudonym) , a college student working as an escort,
is a junior at a prestigious university in Shanghai. At the bar, her nickname is Xi Xi, and she has been there for a year, becoming the most popular escort. Dou Dou wears heavy makeup, her eyes are unfocused, and she looks tired. After a long silence, she suddenly asked me, "Have you ever experienced poverty?" "My family is from Anhui. After my mother was laid off, she and my sister set up a street stall. Because so many people were laid off in our area, and most of them went into street vending, our business was very difficult, and our income was pitifully low. My father is retired and only receives a little over 300 yuan a month in pension. To support my university education in Shanghai, my father repaired bicycles on the roadside; he's almost 60! When I came home for the Spring Festival during my first year of university, I saw that my father was much darker from the sun, and his hands were covered in calluses. At night, I heard my parents arguing: my mother said my sister's wedding couldn't be delayed any longer, and my father said they didn't have any money, and no matter what, DouDou's tuition couldn't be touched… At that moment, I truly felt ashamed, not only for my parents but also for burdening my sister. From that moment on, I resolved to earn my own tuition." After the semester started, I went to work as a hostess at a bar. Although many people had advised me against going to such places, I thought, "A hostess can work at night, and I can study during the day, right?" "Then... if you've ever done it, you'll know. One time you're with a customer, you earn more than a month as a hostess. The rest is self-evident. "I thought about earning enough money to quit, but how much do you think is enough? I had tuition, then I thought about books, living expenses, and accommodation. I had all that, and I still had to plan for the future. Actually, every industry has its rules, and there's an unwritten rule in this line of work: quitting is easy, but going back is hard. If you decide to leave, and then try to come back when you're in trouble, this industry won't accept you. Even if you manage to squeeze back, you won't be able to make it, because bosses won't give you the 'good jobs' anymore. Even if you switch jobs, other bosses won't want to hire you, because they think you won't be able to work there peacefully, and you might get into trouble someday. I know many examples like that. So, before I have a stable job, I don't dare to quit this industry easily." I also thought, if I quit, I would be completely abandoned by this world. I no longer live in the dorm because my roommates are "afraid" of me, afraid I'm "unclean." No one wants to sit on my bed, and they even keep their toiletries separate from mine. No one dares to eat with me either; if I come back even slightly late, the dorm door is locked, as they say they think I'm not coming back. Once, it rained for several days in a row. When the sun finally came out, I rushed back to hang my clothes out to dry. I was halfway done when my roommate Weiwei came back. Seeing my clothes on the rack, she took her own clothes to the washroom to hang them up, even though there was still room on the rack. I moved my clothes aside, and a little while later, my other two roommates came back and also picked up their clothes and started to leave. At that moment, tears welled up in my eyes. I called out to them loudly, "We still have room to hang our clothes in the dorm!" Then I pulled all my clothes down, rushed out of the dorm, and ran away without looking back. I ran onto a bus, thinking that it didn't matter where it took me, as long as it took me away from here. I walked around outside for a long time, and finally decided to have one last deep talk with my roommates. When I got back, the dorm room door was still locked; they still thought I wasn't coming back. We talked for a while, almost entirely them complaining about me—complaining that I never cared about the dorm's cleanliness and always came back so late, disturbing others' rest, etc. After they finished, when it was my turn to speak, they said, "It's too late, we'll talk tomorrow." I lay on my bed, looking at the clothes rack outside, already full of other people's clothes. Later, I moved out of the dorm completely. Sometimes I think I can't entirely blame them; at least they didn't tell the school about my situation. Now I have no friends, but in the bar, at least no one dislikes me, at least there are people to keep me company. If I left the bar, I'm afraid no one would even know if I died. My family doesn't know what I do because so few people from our area can get into universities in Shanghai; nobody knows about my life here. I can still send some money home every month; when they ask, I tell them it's from tutoring. My parents are quite proud. I've always been their pride, so I never thought about how they would react if they knew the truth. I don't dare to think about it, and I don't want to. "I'm not happy. Do you know when I feel most lost? Sometimes in the middle of the night, I suddenly wake up, turn on the light, see a completely unfamiliar face next to me, and thinking about the dirty things we just did, I feel like I'm not even human." You ask if I've ever been in a relationship? Would you believe me if I said no? I had a boyfriend in my freshman year of college. We really loved each other, but we broke up in the end because of what I did. He's in England now. I've never thought about marrying someone from among those who have taken me for a living, even though I know many people who have done that. After all, I'm educated, and I can support myself with a stable job in the future. Also, I want to save enough money to go to England too.

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