brother's lover

brother's lover
Spokesperson: Xiaoqian (your humble servant)
1. My brother is heartbroken.
My brother has a lover. His lover is none other than me.
The idiom "childhood sweethearts" perfectly describes our close relationship. We attended the same elementary school as children, going to school together, coming home together, and playing together. He was two years older than me and two grades ahead. We lived in an old-fashioned communal house, cramped with only two rooms. My brother and I shared a room partitioned by wooden planks; he slept on the upper bunk, and I slept on the lower. We went to the same elementary school; he attended the morning session, and I attended the afternoon session. Every day, he would pick me up from school, and we would play together at the playground for a while before going home.
After he went to secondary school, he went to a different school than me. He started to dislike being with me all the time, even though I always wanted to follow him. During the summer vacation of his third year of secondary school, he worked in a factory and made some friends with his coworkers. He would spend his free time with them.
When summer vacation ended and classes started, I noticed he had suddenly become depressed. We shared a bedroom, so he couldn't hide anything from me. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but he didn't give me the chance. He probably thought I was still a child and wouldn't tell me my troubles. However, by then I was already in middle school.
My brother's distraught appearance caught my attention. I noticed our eyes kept meeting, and I would immediately look away as if I'd been electrocuted. His gaze, secretly fixed on me, seemed to be scrutinizing me, making me feel quite embarrassed. His behavior was strange; what was he up to? Boys' minds are truly unfathomable.
One day after school, he unexpectedly appeared in front of my school gate—the first time this had happened since I started middle school. I attend an all-girls school, and having a boy picking someone up from school at the gate attracted the attention of my classmates. I had to explain to those nosy classmates that he was my older brother.
He said he had something important to tell me, so he came to see me specifically. He sounded very serious.
I followed him to a quiet place, and he stammered as he told me that he was extremely depressed and wanted to find someone to confide in. Remembering the days we played together as children made him feel a little better. We used to have so much to talk about, so he came to me.
That's right. I used to tell him everything, and he would tell me a lot of things too, even things he wouldn't tell my mother, knowing that I would keep secrets.
So he told me his story of heartbreak. I had expected it, but the fact that he was willing to tell this little sister about his breakup immediately elevated my status.
He met a girlfriend at the factory and developed feelings for her. At first, they went to the movies and traveled together, but later they started dating separately and became very close. I rarely saw him throughout the summer vacation; he was always with his girlfriend. He confessed that he really liked this girl. However, not long after the start of the semester, she broke up with him. Her reason was that she was a few years older and they weren't a good match. He couldn't accept this reason, and it dealt him a heavy blow.
At this point, she actually started crying in front of me.
I didn't know how to comfort him because I'd never been in a relationship. However, I could imagine how painful heartbreak must be. I used a tissue to wipe away the tears from the corners of his eyes.
He said, "You're so kind. I feel so much better after talking about what was on my mind. Let's stay together often, like we used to, okay?"
I said, "Okay." I also hope to be with him, like when we were kids.
We went home together, and I started telling him all about what happened at school.
2. Mutual affection
The next day, he offered to take me to school. Even though we went the same way, he would walk me to the school gate and tell me that he would pick me up after school.
He did come, and we walked home together. This happened every day; he would pick me up and drop me off.
Our route home was different every day, always choosing winding and circuitous paths. With our schoolbags on our backs, we passed shopping malls, parks, and streets near and far. He earned some money during the summer vacation and treated me to movies, ice cream, bowling, and bought me some little trinkets. He seemed much more cheerful; he had overcome the pain of heartbreak. Honestly, I worried that once he got over it, he would ignore me completely.
My classmates joked that I was dating someone.
"No way! That boy is my brother."
"Shame on you! Shame on you! You're dating your brother."
I chased after the classmates who made fun of me, but a sweet feeling lingered in my heart.
One day, after dinner, he told my parents he would take me to the library to study, and then he took me to the mountainside. When we were little, we often came here to catch butterflies.
As he ascended the mountain, the moonlight was bright, and the lights below were dazzling. Pointing to the lights below, he said, "The stars have all fallen to earth."
I said, "No, it's in the sky."
He touched my hand, testing my reaction, then took my hand in his. His palms were sweaty, and my heart was pounding. When we were little, we often held hands without feeling embarrassed. But this night, when his hand touched mine, it felt like an electric shock?
The mountain road was pitch black, unlit, and the sounds of cars below faded into the distance. We walked closer and closer, but didn't speak. Suddenly, he put his arm around my waist. He had never done this before, and a strange feeling filled the air between us.
On the mountain, there was a large rock, and we sat there watching the night view. He had one hand on my shoulder and the other brushing aside my long hair, which was ruffled by the night breeze. The scenery below seemed dreamlike and ethereal. I felt a little chilly, so I nestled in his arms, letting his body heat warm me. I felt how dear we truly were. His lips searched my face for a moment, then gently stopped at the corner of my mouth and kissed it. A wave of warmth emanated from there, reaching right behind my ear.
Oh no, what does this mean? Why am I having this strange feeling?
Before I could even figure out what was happening, we were kissing passionately. I was only thirteen years old then, and I had many fantasies and dreams about love. I longed for someone to love me, and the first boy to kiss me was actually my older brother. I don't regret giving him my first kiss. I didn't know many boys, but among my brother's classmates, neighbors, and relatives, he was handsome, extraordinary, and had a scholarly air about him. He was the object of my secret admiration.
I usually have a lot to say to him, like what happened at school, what classmate A did, what classmate B did. But that night I didn't say anything; my lips were sealed by his kiss. I closed my eyes, not daring to look at him.
As we descended the mountain, he held my hand, just like when we went to school together as children.
Back home, we kissed again before he let me go to bed. I couldn't sleep, so he slept on the top bunk, and soon I could hear him sneezing. I tossed and turned, completely immersed in the feeling of him kissing and caressing me.
From then on, we were inseparable. Except for going to school, we were always together. I would link my arm with his, and he would put his arm around my waist. Holding hands felt natural; we were like siblings, so it was only natural to be close. In quiet places, or at night when the lights were off, or before going to sleep, he would hold me and kiss me.
He borrowed a camera and tripod from a classmate and we went on a trip to the countryside, where we took a series of intimate photos. He chose one of them, with me in his arms, and wrote our names, the location, and the date on the back. He also drew two hearts and strung them together with an arrow and the English word "love." I kept it in my wallet and treasure it to this day.
3. First Experience of Lovemaking
We never lacked opportunities to meet. We lived together, spent every day together, and it was only natural for us to be together. No one suspected that we had any unusual relationship, and even Mom didn't think much of our close relationship. Once, she accidentally saw a close-up photo of us in my wallet. She didn't say anything, but looked surprised.
Another time, we were cuddling and kissing in bed when Mom knocked on the door to come in. My brother and I were exposed to her in our disheveled state. Mom didn't scold us on the spot, she just told us not to lock the door next time.
事后她给我说些男女的问题，好像什么男女授受不亲、兄妹之间也有分寸、体统之类的话。我才意识到，我们虽然是真诚纯洁的相爱着，但别人会用异样的眼光来看我们。但我信任他，从不存着戒心，妈妈那一番话，并没有破坏我和哥哥的感情。我们为了避免她的疑心，藉口上图书馆或参加学校的活动，跑到僻静的地方幽会。我们每天都在一起，但好像还不够。上学的时间，我还是想着他。
如是者过了几个月。有一个週末，爸妈参加宴会去，我们去看电影，是一齣爱情电影，当然有许多露骨的性爱镜头。
回到家里，只有我们两个，关上房门，就是我们的二人世界。他紧紧的抱着我，深深的吻住我，就像电影里那一对情人一样。他解开我牛仔裤头的钮扣，我的心儿跳得更快，他的手探入我ｔ恤里面想松开我的胸围，但怎也解不开扣子。
终于，我身上的衣服都全给脱掉了，只剩下胸围，但感觉上和全裸一样。
小时候，一起洗澡不会害羞。近来每天都会和哥哥接吻、让他爱抚，都接受了。可是当光着身子和他赤裸相对时，郄不敢正眼看他的身体。这是纯真的失落了，人们在兄妹的关系上划了个范围。我明白了，没有兄妹会如斯亲密的，我们来到这一个地步了，将要进入那一层更深的亲密，但我们是不淮进入的。
我不敢从这个方向想像下去，只想从前玩家家酒的情景。
我们有编定的对白：
「我扮爸爸，你扮妈妈。」哥说。
「我烧饭，替你洗衣服。」我说。
「还要给我带小宝宝。」哥说。
「爸爸下班，快回家吃饭。」我说。
现在，我们玩的是爸爸妈妈在睡房里做的事情，这是新的情节。
他拙手笨脚，弄来弄去也没法脱去我的胸围。我光着身子，给他全身爱抚和亲吻，弄得我春心荡漾，不能自我。胸围束缚着我，如不解开它，会让我窒息，就自动为他解除身上最后一道防线。乳尖马上给他噙住，而我已不能装模样了。
他的吻如雨点落在我的乳房，他的手指插进两腿中间的肉缝儿，探出路径。然后那东西就插在我里面，把我全面佔领了。
我下面已给他摸得湿透了，但他的东西又粗又大，插进来的时候，好像要把我撕裂似的，痛得我流出泪水，尖叫了一声。
哥停止了抽动：「很痛吗？」
「没事了，只要你爱我。」
「我爱你。」说着，在我体内灌注了他的精液。
「只要你爱我，我愿以身相许。」
就在这个爱得正浓的时候，爸妈就回来了。我们好像已给捉个正着一样，害怕得不敢动，怕会惹起他们的怀疑。我们来不及穿回衣服，就用被子盖着我们赤裸的身体，屏着气息，直至外面復归平静，才松了一口气。
他安慰我说：「没事了。」
我说：「我很害怕。」
他说：「不要怕，我爱你。」
我说：「真的吗？」
他说：「真的。」
我说：「我也爱你。」
这是他第一次对我说「我爱你」。我觉得我们是相爱的。那一晚，和哥哥拥抱着睡在一起，我们从来没有如此的亲近过。我觉得他那东西一直在我的身体里面，没有离开过我。我里面充满了他，我的脑子里满是他。他那东西，一直硬绷绷的抵着我的小腹。
他睡着了，我独无眠。我仍是很害怕，不知道明天会怎样。当时他十六岁，我十四岁。
４．落红片片
天还未亮，我就把睡在身旁的哥哥推醒。他半睡半醒，仍光着身子，就爬上床的上层继续睡觉。我收拾昨晚床上的狼藉，床单印上落红片片，这是我失落纯真和纯洁的印记。
我赶快换过床单，把污秽了的床单拿去洗。惊动了妈妈，看见我在浴间洗床单，就问我︰「两天前找才替你换过，又脏了？」
我说︰「是啊。来早了，不提防弄脏了。」
回到床上，矇眬中睡着，发了连场噩梦。惊醒了，原来是哥哥跪在我身旁，见我睡着，就在我的嘴上亲了又亲。
他原想叫醒我上学去，但我睡得不好，就请哥哥去告诉妈妈，今天请假不上学。我怕回到学校去，修女探射灯一样的目光，好像能看穿学生的隐情。
那一天她传召我去见她，问我是否和男友拍拖。我答：「他是我哥哥。」她一对探射灯在我面上扫射，并要在我的神色里验证我的供词。
她说：「天主会知道。」然后目光盯住我的裙子。
人长高了两寸，裙子变成又短又小，不合身，把两条大腿暴露出来。
妈妈上市场买菜，忽然觉得天地之间只有我一个人。抱着枕头无端的哭了一场。
我答应要把我自己保留着给最爱的人，嫁给他，和他在教堂行婚礼，让他取去我的童贞。
下体的肿痛，是自己招来的惩罚，活该这样。
矇眬中，梦见和哥哥在教堂里行婚礼。神父说：「你们兄妹，不能结婚。」但我已经和他有了肉体关系，肚子里已有了他的骨肉，怎么办？
哥哥下课，马上回家看我。见我双眼浮肿，犹有泪痕。把我拥在怀里，安慰我。轻抚我的脸，抹去我的泪水，把我像抱小孩子一样，靠着床头，横抱着我，不断地和我亲吻，吻去我一脸的惶惑。
这就是我想要的爱情，就算天塌下来，只要哥哥和我在一起，也不怕。
我说：「下面还痛着啊！」我把睡衣和内裤拉下到膝盖之上，要他看看。
他检查了一回，好像看不出什么，便说没事吧，听人说第一次会痛。然后继续拥抱着我，手指轻轻的抚犘我的耻丘，郄不敢踫那个地方。
吃过晚饭，他说要和我谈谈昨晚的事。把我带我到山上去。在山顶幽静的地方，和我拥抱，狂野地互吻着。他禁制不住少年的冲动，脱掉我的内裤，就幕天蓆地的做起爱来。
又是一阵撕裂的痛楚。这是我们相爱的代价，我强忍着阵痛，直至他在我身上支取了他的快乐。
下山的时候，他的精液倒流出来，内裤给弄脏了，没穿回。一阵阵凉风吹起裙子，透入两腿之间是一片冰冻，镇住了事后的痛楚。
我们相拥着，走入山下的夜色，这个世界好像只剩下我俩在一起。
５．怀孕疑云
我们有了性关系之后，天没有塌下来，雷也没有噼死我们，就这是我们的第二次。
有了第二次，就有第三次。每次做爱，他都弄得我下面赤痛肿胀。
而十四岁的女孩子，没有想过怀了孕怎办。
月经来迟，使我们担心了一阵子。幸好，只是来迟了，但我对性事已怀了戒惧之心。其实当时，性事对我来说，感觉不是那么好。怀孕疑云散去之后，他又对我作性事的要求，我都以会有孩子为理由，把守着最后一关。
英语有一句成语说：「那里有决心，那里就有路。」你想做一件事，你会找到办法去做到的。他买来避孕套，让我没有藉口去拒绝他。
我说：「但会弄得我很痛。」
他对：「我会轻点儿，迁就着。」
他果然学会温柔，细心迁就。
不过，不能晚晚到山上去做爱，山上的蚊虫把我的双腿咬得红肿。在房里，又要等家里没有人。但机会一来，他就会和我做爱。和哥哥做过爱，我们的关系又深了一层。我知道他想和我做爱，这是我最大的快感。做完爱之后会内疚吗？无论我怎样去向自己的良心解释也好，都知道是做错事的。
自从我们的关系发展到性爱的层次后，我们多了几分警觉，在家里和亲友面前会保持一定距离，生怕给人看出什么端倪。他有时带我参加他同学的活动，明显地有意不理会我。在他这个年纪，同学们有的已经拍拖了，有的会带女朋友出来，在那些场合中，他们都会公开地对女朋友表现殷勤和照顾。我不敢希冀会受到同样的待遇，不过，他把我当作空气一样。我跟在他身旁，好像是多余的，甚至是累赘。
有一两个女同学长得颇为漂亮，又懂打扮，我看得出他对她们藉故亲近。他们多谈几句，我就会呷醋。散局之后，远离了他的同学时，他想要拉我的手、揽我的腰，我偏不让他。他想和我接吻，我就别过头来，躲开他，他才知道我闹脾气了。
他很有办法。他会给我卖份小礼物、说一些甜言蜜语、带我到海边看夜景、吹吹海风，我又会忘记了那些不高兴的事，我又会重投他的怀抱，死心榻地的做他的小情人，让他在我身上使用性的权利。
６．旧欢如梦
他考入了大学了，我们都很高兴。他搬入大学宿舍，开始独立自由的生活。起初还以为会给我们幽会的方便，我开始服食避孕药，免了带套的隔膜。可是，这只是我一厢情愿的想法。
首先，他搬去宿舍之后，妈要他搬出我们的房间。週末回家，妈不让他和我同房，叫他睡在客厅的沙发。她说我们长大了，孤男寡女同睡不方便，他没理由进入我的闰房。于是我们失去了属于自已的小天地，他索性不回家过夜。
我们想见面就要约定，否则很难找到他。我要老远跑到大学去找他，如果他的室友不在，就会在宿舍里做个爱。我们会在大学附近散散步，有时看电影或听音乐会。渐渐，他的社交活动频密了，初时他会带我去参加同学的活动。他的同学都是名校出身，生活和思想方式和我在公共屋村成长的都不一样。在他的朋友中，我总是个局外人。我的思想和谈吐，显得很幼稚，我想快点入大学，和他们看齐。不过，我郄无心向学，全副精神都用来维系这段情。
单独见面少了，一见到面就争取时间做爱。性事的确是频密了，感情郄倒退了。愈来愈不明白他在想什么。
渐渐，他很少回家，很少打电话给我。每次都是我打电话给他，都是我去大学找他。连做爱也好像心不在焉，有性无爱。插进我里面的那部份，好像和他的灵魂脱节了。一见面就上床做爱，见面就是为了做爱。射了精之后，他对我的任务就完成了。
我多次发脾气，表示了不满的情绪，但他好像不在乎。
到底，还是我认轮认命，回去找他。在他的床上脱衣服、张开腿，死心塌地的做他的情妇。
我觉得他的心渐渐远我而去，我的日子不好过，患得患失，心绪不宁。好不容易捱到暑假，他郄参加同学会主办的台湾旅行团。如果他带我去，可以藉此修补关系，但我失望了。
回来后，我听到风声，他跟一位女同学打得火热。
他升上大学二年级，搬入单人房。不过，我只去过他的房间一、两次。
有一次，我很想见他，郄没法联络得上，就跑去宿舍找他。他应门，见我来了，神情诧异。他的女朋友在房里，坐在床沿整理头发衣裙，好像当年我们在房里给妈捉个正着的神情一样。鑑貌辨色，他们正在蜜运之中。
哥哥给我们介绍︰「这是我妹妹，这是我的同学。」不用清楚说明，我已知道她是哥哥的「女朋友」。她是，我才不是，什么也不是。这是个残酷的事实，我把那股酸熘熘的味道压下去，和他们客套几句就走了。
回家路上，强忍着泪水，明白自己原来只是个「替身」。他不在乎我了，我应该知道的。他没向我解释，也没有做什么来讨回我的欢心。没有电话、没有片言只字。啊，他从来没有给我写过信，只有那几张合照、几张卡片，和那些小礼物。
这就算是分手了？我不甘心，我们相好了那么多年，连一个交待也欠了。当年他失恋找我安慰他。我失恋了，谁来安慰我？
大学入学试快到了，我必须收復学业上的失地。可是太迟了，学业荒废了、精神散涣了。考试虽合格，但成绩不足以进入大学，其实我也失去入大学的动机了。结果，找了一份商行的工作，晚上修读秘书课程。
我比同年的女孩子成熟、世故，很快就得到上司的好感，一年内，升做老板的秘书，加了薪。想过点独立生活，也方便上班，便和公司的同事合租了一层公寓。
我们暧昧的关系无疾而终，见面时装做若无其事，仍然是兄妹，不过他的眼里有时会露出一丝对我亏负的神情。从初吻起首，一切都是我情愿的，应该说，是我一厢情愿的。我们真正的关系是兄妹，他曾经把我当做情人，和我发生过一段不伦之恋，难道我要他娶我为妻吗？这是不可能的。他欠我的，最多只是一个交待。
我忍着满肚子是失落的味道，没有了他，我仍要继续生活。
他大学毕业后，得未来岳父之助，在一间大公司工作，马上结婚，不久我的姪儿出世了。
７．再诉衷情
我也有几个追求者，其中有一个是我的老板ａ君，他比我大十多年，条件很好，离过婚，有两儿女。爸妈不太喜欢他，我倒没所谓，只要他约会我，我不会拒绝的。
我投入了另一个生活圈子，和哥哥那段关系不了了之，抛诸脑后。
我对ａ君拖拖拉拉，不太认真，因为他不是我心目中的真命天子。哥哥的婚姻生活，两年不到就亮了红灯。爸爸生日那天，不见嫂嫂同来，从他的眼神，知道出了事。在酒席上，他不时望着我，像有很多心事要向我倾诉。趁着我去洗手间时，他尾随着我，说要有话跟我说。理性上，我应该置身道外；感情上，郄放不下。
散席后，相约到附近的酒店的酒廊谈谈。他把不愉快的婚姻生活和盘托出，我只听，不想再捲入他的感情的旋涡。酒廊打烊，他提意租个房间继续谈下去。
他想要什么我可不晓得吗？他想要我陪他过夜，填补他肉体和心灵的虚空。他落寞，憔悴，可怜兮兮的。乞求我能给他一夕的慰藉，我郄硬着心肠，拒绝了他。
我说：「这样是不对的！」
他说：「对不起，我知道这不对的，不过……」
我说：「我只是以妹妹的身份关心你，不要想到别的地方去。」
他没说下去。
其实，我不是不想有个男人和我共度漫漫长夜。他确是个床上的好伴侣，是个好情人。他的吻和抚触，他那东西插在我里面那实实在在的感觉，我未忘怀。但此际，我已不再是当年那个十三、四岁、三言两语就可以给他哄上床的小女生了，我们之间早已了断。
不久之后，他常常打电话给我，约我见面。我都应约去了，其实我是想知道他那一段不愉快的婚姻如何收场。他终于离婚，连儿子的抚养权也争不到。他所受的打击很大。
他婚姻失败了，我不知道应该快乐还是不快乐。因为，我和他那一段不伦之恋，迟早完蛋。哥哥找到对象，成家立室，是再合情合理不过的了。我已经重拾心情，再以兄妹的关系和他交往。
于是，我週旋在两个男人之间。和ａ君是风花雪月、享受美酒佳餚；和哥哥则「再见亦是朋友」，倒也谈得来。意想不到的是，我们的情缘未了，会有重投他的怀抱的一天。
８．再续前缘
那是一个深夜，哥哥他喝得醉醺醺的摸上门来。我从不让他来我家，但他醉得太厉害了，只能扶他进来，让他躺在我的床上休息一回。当我为他脱鞋和解领带的时候，他乘机搂着我，嗫嚅着说，他的婚姻彻底失败了，早知会这样的。是他的错，因为心中最爱的是我，只是现实又不容许兄妹结合，这是命运弄人。
他借着酒意，扯破我的睡袍，把我推在床上，疯了一样的吻我。
他说：「原谅我吧！让我们再开始，让我补偿对你的亏负……」
但我记起遭他冷落的一段日子，我说：「我不能唿之则来，挥之则去。不愿意做爱情替工这个角色，空白了就找我填塞。」
记起曾遭他冷落，也唤起那伏在他胸膛、在他臂弯里的甜蜜回忆。我心里面的虚空，是因为他离我而去而留下来的。他回来了，正好把它填满了。
借醉的人会和我理论，连我的肉体也不合作，如果我用力一点，是可以挣脱他的纠缠。但我没有这样做，只是口里抗议着，双腿郄发软，给他一手就分开，他一摸就知道，我口所说的和我身体的反应是两码子事。
四年来，我想证明可以没有他也可以活得开心。我心头有一份倔强和不忿，好像是给他抛弃过。但眼看他这样失落、沮丧，觉得对他受的惩罚够了，心又软化下来。我们又做起爱来，从来没试过这样缠绵恩爱。
他说︰「我爱你。」又说，永远的爱着我，不会离开我。
许久以来，第一次再听到他亲口对我说「爱我」。他爱的抚触简直将我冰涷的肉体和化石似的心溶化了。他比以前懂得爱，让我觉得，只有他才能使我成为一个真正满足快乐的女人。我投降了，因为我得回了我最想得到的东西。
他说︰「我早就知道，你还是爱着我的。」
我说：「谁爱你这负心的人。」
他说：「但是你还是爱我。」
他的大腿和我的大腿厮磨着、交缠着。他那实实在在的东西，把我们两个身体相连为一。
我说：「深入一点……深入一点……」
他把他的爱，送到我灵魂的深处。
我们做爱做得累了，我就倒在他的怀抱睡着。
第二天。我们请假，不上班，整天在床上不停的做爱。中午，穿上衣服，到街上吃点东西，回到房门口，我们又吻得分不开，脱衣上床再来一次。
他预备了一大篇演辞向我说，要我相信，他最爱的人是我。他不用说，我已相信了。但女人总是爱听这些。几年前，我期望他会对我说些这样的话，不过从未听过。现在他终于说了，虽然迟来了，我也照单全收了。
经过了一番的波折，我们又在一起了。我们中间，除了伦常关系之外，还有什么障碍呢？
起初，是对纯情的小恋人，不知天高地厚，大胆地去爱，从没想过将来。成长之后，局面复杂了。不懂面对，无法收拾。分手是痛苦，但并无选择。分离的痛苦、婚姻的破裂，叫我们更珍惜相聚的日子。
哥哥开始和我谈起情来了，他在大学时读了点心理学，都用来分析他对我的爱。他说，乱伦根本是不正常的，人应该向外发展，寻找伴侣。和你不正常的关系使我充满着罪疚感，为免继续沉沦，很快就结了婚，才发现做错了，原来我真正爱的人是你。我向你承认了这件事实，不再逃避，除非你亲口对我说，不再爱我了，我才会死心。就算是这样，我也不能爱第二个女人。
我说：「相爱又怎样？我们可以吗？你的罪疚感呢？」
他说：「我们都是成年人了，要为自已的行为负责。我们做的事，后果自已担当。」
当年，我已打算一世跟着他，只恨他太薄倖。我自问，在哥哥和ａ君之间，我宁愿嫁给谁？
９．共赋同居
我和同屋的女友互不干涉私事，她不知道那一晚谁留在我房里过夜。
之后，我和哥哥多次到酒店幽会，但总是不方便。我提出要搬到他那里时，他欢喜得不得了。不过，我有一个条件，就是维持各自的社交生活。即是说，我会继续和ａ君约会。一个礼拜，五天是他的，两天是ａ君的。
他为要和我同居，一口就答应了。
同居之初，颇有新婚蜜月的味道，鱼水之欢，闰房之乐，不在话下。不过，正常的生活里，不可能是晚晚谈情做爱吧。外有工作压力，内有家务，还有高堂父母要照顾，不久，我们就像别的夫妻一样了，早出晚归、煮饭洗衣。习惯了同襟共枕之后，我们反而不觉得是情人的关系，而是好像是兄妹一样。我们言谈举止，很自然会流露出所谓夫妻相。很多人看得出我们是对夫妇，但是，我们不是夫妇，只是住在一起的兄妹。
我们对爸爸妈妈说，为了省开支，住在一起。是是一个很子的藉口。在他们面前，我们特别小心，克意的抑制自已，不要在他们面前过份亲热。我们合资卖了一层楼做爱巢，有两间房子，外表中我们各有自己的睡房，给爸妈和来访的少数亲友看的。其实，我们只需要一张床。我们没有请菲佣，连钟点女佣也没请，为免洩露秘密。
他对我和ａ君的关系是颇为敏感的。每个礼拜，会和ａ君约会一两次，通常是週末，有时只是公事的应酬。他总是抱怨我太晚回家，而且要调查约会的每一个细节。我故意气他，说成很浪漫，很享受似的，惹起他的醋意。悄后，他就会在床上显示实力，叫我好受，向我证明他比ａ君更会调情，是个更佳的情人。
我和ａ君的约会，好像和情人幽会一样，对在家里等着我回去的哥哥像欠了他什么的，所以任由他在床上摆佈我，做爱时多加几分骚劲媚态，作为补偿。这竟然成为我期待的好节目。
ａ君对我与哥哥同居的关系懞然不知，我从不让他进入我们的房间。他对我们住在一起没有疑心，只不过觉得这个哥哥对妹妹管束太严，太放心不下。ａ君年龄较长，人生阅历不浅，对我体贴非常，苛护备至。他追逐在我裙下，使我这个还算是青春、标致的女孩子可以作为我的感情生活的交待。哥哥却是个性情中人，喜欢艺术，有生活情趣。和他在一起，浪漫写意，是我真正的满足和快乐。
这样，我週旋在两个都爱我的男人之间，又和哥哥过着形同夫妻一样生活，是我最称意的日子。
１０．下嫁ａ君
我的青春很快消逝，爸爸妈妈年纪渐大。爸爸有了心脏病，所以常常催我出嫁。妈妈对我说，兄妹虽然是亲人，也但不能一辈子这样住在一起，要为自己下半生打算。
她话里有话，这样苦心，我们不能不尊重她的意思。
为了这个问题，我和哥哥讨论不休。挣扎了几个月，最后做了个痛苦的决定──我们不能永远这样生活下去。我们的关系总会有一天给人揭露，我们怎样向爸爸妈妈交待呢？这四年多的同居生活，是我们最快乐的日子。捨不得，但快乐的时光很快消逝。我们向现实低头，下嫁那追了我五、六年的ａ君。
像其他夫妻一样，我曾和哥哥谈过要不要生孩子的问题。
我问他想不想要生个孩子，他说：「已经有了个儿子。我们的感情，不用生个孩子来维系。孩子更会做成障碍，因为我们始终不能正式结婚，就不能给孩子正常的家庭生活。」因此，他不要我怀孕。
但是，当我快要嫁出去时，就不怕怀孕了。决定出嫁的日期之后，我就不吃避孕丸了。我们为这日子倒数，每晚，他都要和我做一场爱，每次都是全力以赴的。他说，要我永远记得和他做爱是怎样的，而且记住，他是我最好的性伴侣。
婚后不久，就验出有喜了。八个多月后就生了个儿子。
我很清楚，腹中块肉是哥哥的。当我告诉他怀了他的孩子时，他十分欢喜，为他这个外甥买了很多衣服用品。爸妈乐极了，因为哥哥的儿子归由前妻照顾，他们失去弄孙之乐。我的孩子会在他们身边。ａ君虽不是第一次当爸爸，但中年得子，也很开心。
哥哥虽然把我嫁了出去，还想「保留」和我上床的权利，我没有答应他。从前，和他同居的日子，我没有和ａ君上过床；现在，ａ君做了我的丈夫，我也不想他戴绿帽子。
可是，我太软弱了，有一晚回娘家吃饭，喝了点酒。ａ君有应酬，赶不及来接我，哥开车送我回家，在车子里，他强把我搂在怀里亲我。我没有反抗，任他脱去我的内裤和松开我的胸围，肆意地爱抚我的乳房和私处。他把车开回我们从前的爱巢。
我只和两个男人做过爱。两个之中，只有哥哥可以把我带到性爱的高潮。哥哥最懂得和我擦出情慾的火花，落在他手里，教我如何抗拒他？
没错，他仍然爱着他，才会藕断丝连。之后，为了和哥哥幽会，我们安排了各种藉口和机会。我们是兄妹的关系，本来就是亲人，要幽会，就有不少方便，我们一起出现在某些场合，在也不怕给人「误会」。
我极力鼓励丈夫多上大陆做生意。丈夫不在家的日子，我就可以回到从前的爱巢去，在那里偷欢。週末回娘家更是最好的藉口。放下女儿让外公外婆看着，就可以和哥哥相聚，做个热辣辣的爱，在床上赤裸裸的相拥一个下午，听他诉说对我的爱情。
这个週未的约会，风雨不改，是我一个礼拜所期待着的日子。
１１．终成美眷
哥一直没再结婚，他常讨我喜欢的说，我们实际上已经结了婚。虽然把我嫁给别人，但仍有和我做爱的权利，不用找别的女人解决性的需要。他乐意做我的黑市情人，从前我是他的后补情人，现在轮到他做我的兼任丈夫。我可以同时有两个男人，两个都爱我。他说，我们摆平了。
几年后，爸爸心脏病发而死。我和ａ君结婚不到十年，他患了肺癌，我尽了妻子的责任服侍他，直至他离世。他给我的遗产够我和女儿一辈子生活。ａ君前妻所生的儿女都结婚了。孩子大学到加拿大留学，我和哥哥变得没有牵挂，于是搬回我们的爱巢去，下半生好做个伴儿。
妈妈知道了，也没说什么话。她仍住在的旧式公共房屋，要爬楼梯，年纪大了，上落不便，我们建议要接她和我们同住。我们把一个房间让出来给她，她竟然一口就答应了。二十多年来，我们心头都有一个结，就是怕她不体谅我们的关系。她搬过来和我们生活，等于默认了我们的关系。
On the first day Mom moved in, we invited her to sit down and offered her a cup of tea. She drank it, then took out two red envelopes and gave them to us, saying they were a token of her good fortune from moving in. That evening, Mom cooked a delicious home-style meal. Our family was living together again, just like before. After dinner, we watched TV with her for a while, and she told us to rest if we were tired.
My brother followed me back to our bedroom. After the door closed, we couldn't help but embrace and kiss deeply. I remembered the times when my brother and I would sneak into each other's room, filled with anxiety, fearing that our mother would catch us in the act. Without a word, my brother started to take off my clothes.
I said, "No. Mom's watching TV outside!"
He said, "The door is closed, she can't see."
I said, "Aren't you ashamed that your brother and sister are dating?"
He said, "So we can't let people know."
I said, "What if Mom finds out?"
He said, "If we do it quietly, she won't know."
I said, "Aren't you tired of it yet?"
He said, "Yes! Before I get tired of it, let me watch it to my heart's content."
My brother wouldn't let me go, insisting on "bullying" me. I feigned modesty, acting coy and shy. My coquettish demeanor aroused him, making him feel hot all over. The caresses of his fingers and his wet, passionate kisses stirred my heart again. I was pushed down onto the bed, my legs numb and weak, unable to close, and he spread them apart. He regained his vigorous energy, his penis as firm as it had been in his youth, thrusting into me until I was almost dying. We were just like back then, when he was sixteen and I was fourteen, experiencing our first love in a room with wooden partitions.
He said he would always love me.
I said, "Forever is too long."
He said, "I'll love you until I'm eighty!"
I asked, "Are you still able to?"
He said that even if we can't be together, he'll still love me the same...
We're both middle-aged now, and many couples our age find their sex life dull and even nonexistent. Our sex life has remained consistent, but it's become rather bland. I never imagined that my mother living with us would stimulate our intimacy.
Friends and relatives have long gossiped about the close relationship between my siblings and me, but we've never paid any attention to it. Among our friends, we are like siblings—one widowed, one divorced—and we take care of each other. The title of husband and wife is unimportant to us. Lovers don't necessarily have to be husband and wife. We grew up together, fell in love, weathered storms together, and each of us has been married before; nothing can separate us now.
For over twenty years, nothing we've done has escaped Mom's notice. Back then, when we lived together outside the marriage, she didn't object; now that she lives with us, it's a form of acknowledgment of our relationship. He says that some karmic debts from past lives must be repaid in this one.
12. Postscript
I wrote these things down not to encourage incest. Not every sibling couple falls in love; many are more distant than friends. Some may have feelings for each other, but never have the chance to develop them into a romantic relationship. Those who don't understand might think we've succumbed to lust and have devoid of morality. We've also felt guilt for causing my brother to leave me and find someone else. Finally, when we let go of adult hypocrisy and dared to love and be loved, we understood who our true love was.
I'll stop here. I don't need to use these words to justify myself, nor am I advocating incest. Many lovers in the world are unable to be together due to various obstacles and setbacks. Some are bound by the norms of morality and etiquette, unable to change or transgress them. Besides sighing at the cruel twist of fate, one can actually cultivate a space within their heart, a place where their thoughts can roam freely. As long as you make up your mind, you will find a way out!
May all lovers in the world be united in marriage, just like my lover and I.
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