carefree

Chapter 1
carefree
wedge
I have never known why, in this world, only my father is more outstanding, handsome and dazzling than his daughter.
She lowered her eyes and lazily gazed at the face reflected on the lifeless, clear water. It was exquisitely beautiful, with lovely eyebrows and eyes, a straight nose, and lips that, though overly red, were thin and alluring. The exquisite features combined to create a face that, though lifeless, was still excessively beautiful.
The skin on the back of the hand supporting his chin was incredibly soft and smooth. The skin he could see was so fair and translucent, and with his slender and petite body, he didn't look like a boy at all.
This makes me very upset.
I want to be a man, I really, really want to.
I long to be like my father, tall and strong, with a man's bronze complexion and a resolute and handsome face that exudes a deep masculine charm.
Why am I not a man? Not only do I lack my father's imposing presence, but my appearance and physique are also far inferior to his. Is it because of the rumors that I look more like my deceased mother, which is why I inherited less of my father's stature and masculinity? Everyone who has seen me says I'm incredibly beautiful, which makes me want to punch them.
Listen to this! They're using descriptions of women on me! How can I prove my masculinity? Ugh, so frustrating.
"Yao'er." A deep, resonant male voice came coldly.
I sighed and lazily shifted my gaze to the pavilion, where I met the handsome, mature man who was stepping onto the platform.
He was truly outstanding. His strong and tall body was upright and powerful, his handsome face had sharp eyebrows and a proud nose, thin lips and firmness. His dark and deep eyes were as sharp as a tiger or leopard. He exuded an arrogant and domineering aura, and his stern and indifferent demeanor was even more astonishing.
Anyone who sees him for the first time will involuntarily feel their legs go weak, and will feel an irresistible fear and obedience from the bottom of their heart.
With another sigh, I lowered my eyes and said softly, feeling depressed, "Father." Yes, this outstanding man with an aura that seemed to rival even the gods was my own father, the one who made me live to be 18 and still couldn't even compare to the hem of his clothes.
"What's wrong?" His cold, handsome face remained expressionless. He didn't approach, but stood with his hands behind his back at the entrance of the pavilion, exuding coldness and repulsion.
I've been huddled in this pavilion on the elevated bridge spanning the lake for several days now, which is probably why my father, who's rarely seen these days, has finally appeared. I slowly turned my gaze to the outside of the pavilion, feeling extremely depressed. "Father, I want to leave the valley."
Izumo Valley is where I was born and raised. The valley is deliberately separated from the outside by layers of the Bagua Xuanji Array, making it impossible for anyone to leave except for specific individuals, let alone for outsiders to easily enter. According to the descriptions in the books, Izumo Valley is like the paradise that people talk about, but even I would get tired of staying here for 18 years.
He didn't say anything, just remained silent, and the cold aura surrounding him began to feel gloomy and oppressive.
I know my request will definitely upset him, but I'm very upset. Anyone who knows me knows that when I'm upset, I will definitely make everyone around me feel the same way. So whenever I'm in a bad mood, everyone will scatter and not even their shadows will come within 30 feet of me.
"Father, I want to leave the valley." He said slowly, not minding too much. He was the valley master, and leaving the valley required a token granted by him. Even I, the only heir who was cherished by everyone, did not have the right to leave without permission.
Receiving no reply for a long time, the oppressive atmosphere in the pavilion grew heavier. I sighed and leaned my head against the cold pavilion pillar, slowly closing my eyes that had been staring out of the pavilion. Hmm, I'm a little sleepy.
Suddenly, a deep, mellow male voice, like fine wine, broke the silence: "Go."
The small sign flew into my arms, and the gloomy, intimidating atmosphere quickly receded.
I slightly lifted my eyes and looked at the gray sky through a slit in my eyelids. Why am I still so depressed even though I have achieved my goal?
Chapter 1
Yuchi Xiaoyao is my name, Chuyun Valley Young Master is my identity, Liuli Busuanzi is the code name given to me by people in the martial arts world, Yao'er is the nickname my father calls me, Xiaoyao Gongzi is the respectful title given to me by outsiders, and Xiaoyao is the name my friends call me.
In less than half a month since I left the valley, I have come up with a bunch of derivative names like the one above. But it's not too bad. If anyone dares to call me "Miss", I will kick them in the face.
I knew about Chuyun Valley in the martial arts world. It wasn't as isolated from the world as I had imagined; in fact, it was closely connected to it. The flowers and plants growing in the valley were rare and precious medicinal herbs. In addition, my father, the legendary master of Chuyun Valley—a man revered as the Holy Lord of Chuyun—possessed unparalleled medical skills that were the envy of all. It was said that he could bring the dead back to life and the living back to life. His holy name was so widespread that everyone knew him.
Every year, countless people try to seek medical help at Chuyun Valley, but they are unable to enter and many die trapped in the Bagua Xuanji Formation, more than those killed by the virus... However, the few who are casually cured by my father spread rumors about how powerful the Valley Master of Chuyun Valley is, attracting even more people to come, and causing even more people to lose their lives in vain...
In my eyes, my father's ability to harm people far outweighs his ability to heal them.
But no matter what, in my eyes he is still the strongest and most amazing man, the type of man I most want to become, and my ultimate life goal.
In Chuyun Valley, the family line is passed down through generations by a single son or daughter, who inherit the surname Yuchi.
I think my father actually wanted a son, which is why he ignored me when I was little. According to the rumors, my father wasn't interested in my mother at all, and that she was his wife after getting pregnant out of wedlock. She died in childbirth, leaving me as his only child, a completely fictitious offspring to my father.
Because he never wanted to see me. From childhood to adulthood, even though we lived in the same palace, it was common for him to disappear for ten days or more. So I was very loved. Everyone doted on me except my father. But strangely, I didn't want anyone but my father.
Is this the curse of blood ties? Why do people still insist on being nice to others even when they're being cold to them?
I don't know if it's out of spite or revenge, but since when did my emotions become increasingly detached? I no longer cry for my father like I did before I was 6 years old. Instead, I'm the type to take things as they come, accepting what comes my way and letting go of what I don't have.
It turns out that my dad actually likes this about me. After I developed this personality, he became even more elusive, disappearing for a full year at one point, only showing up again on New Year's Day when he was giving out red envelopes.
I think it's not my fault to have a father like this. And it's even less my fault to have a daughter like me who isn't my son.
But... I'm still so frustrated. Why am I a girl? If I were a son, would my father give me a second glance? When everyone is praising me as a genius, would he pat my head and compliment me on my intelligence?
Sigh, even if I'm destined to be a girl, if I look like a boy, will Father still not care about the truth and pretend that I'm actually the son he wants? But—a woman who doesn't look like a man at all can never become a man, let alone a man like Father, who is resolute, cold, and arrogant?
Lying lazily on the thick, soft blanket under the tree, I sighed in frustration. This problem has plagued me for 18 years, both inside and outside the valley, yet it remains unresolved, only making my mood more gloomy.
Many figures flew past in the gloomy blue sky. They were definitely not Xiaolong, Xiaohu, Xiaoque, and Xiaowu, who had come out of the valley with me. Because of my frustration, the four of them had disappeared two hours ago.
With my eyes half-closed, I remained motionless, letting the people in the air fly around, gather and disperse, quickly giving me a quiet space. Then, just as I was drifting off to sleep, a person covered in blood suddenly crashed down from the dense bushes above, landing right next to my soft blanket. A drop of bright red, wet blood splattered onto my face.
慢吞吞的抬手用袖子抹掉突然其来的液体，我掀起眼，对上那张血脸上大瞪的双眼，幽幽凝视了很久很久，才不甘愿的撇了撇嘴，“你死了没有？”天底下能让我主动开口的人还真没几个。
那人张了张嘴，嘶哑的声音困难的吐出：“你不是打算见死不救么？”
眨巴着眼无神的盯他，“死了的我怎么救？”虽然我爹爹是可以把死的医成活的，但我不行，邪门歪道学起来太费力，而且我很怕鬼，所以抵死不粘这类学问。
“那你在等什么？”他都伤得只剩一口气了，居然还能跟我唧唧歪歪的聊天。
我困困的合了合眼，才慢慢道：“我在等你求我救你。”结果居然是我先发问，真郁闷，我太善良了是不是？
他喉咙里咳出一口血，红艳的面孔扭曲了一下，很干脆的立即道：“救命，求你救救我。”
为什么听在我耳朵里一点也不诚恳的反而带着笑意？疑惑的望了眼天空，我不甘不愿的伸手自荷包里取了粒拇指大小的白丸子，塞到他嘴里，“哪，这个能保你的命脉一天，等有人把你清洗干净了，我再看看你伤在哪里好了。”收回手指在衣服上擦了擦，继续趴在我的毯子上郁闷。
他咽了咽喉咙，估计是把药丸咽下去了，半会儿开口时的气顺了不少，也不太吃力，“这附近有河么？我可以自己去清洗，再请你看看我的伤。”
懒懒瞥他一眼，“你很怕死是不是？耐心点等上一天又没关系，如果没人来，我再给你颗丸子不好了？”
他沉默，然后咳嗽着笑了，“我是韩天平，交个朋友如何？”
闭上眼，掩口打了个呵欠，“不认识你。”我出谷是为了散心，也顺便负责将一封书信送往北域的凤凰阁，没心情没时间也交什么朋友。
他又笑，吐出口血后道：“江湖中阎罗殿的殿主就是我，跟我交朋友，你想知道江湖中任何事都成。”
微微掀起一条细缝斜他，“我凭什么信你？快死的人说什么都行，请不要以为活着的人佯装好心就相信他们，反正等你一死，谁会知道你信任的人是骗子还是什么。”
他低笑，“你不是要救我么？我不会死。”
自大的口吻让我多看了他一眼，开始思考，我什么时候说要救他了？“喂，我只说了看看你的伤，没有说一定要救你。”
他更加干脆：“求你一定要救我。”
不知是不是错觉，那双眼里分明就是笑意。皱了皱眉头，“不要嘲笑我。”
他的眼神柔和下来，“我没有嘲笑你，只是很喜欢你的个性。”
是么？怀疑的瞅他，轻叹了，“我的个性要是招人喜欢就好了。”否则全天下最应该疼爱我的爹爹就不该从不接近我，不是男性又不是我的错，没有继承他的英明神武也不是我的错，他凭什么不理我，难得面对我的时候跟面对其他闲杂人时完全一个样子的冰冷无情。
“有谁伤了你的心？”他轻问。
“是啊，我爹爹，你能帮我扁他么？”很大方的给予答案。
他的脸有点扭曲，“你和你爹闹脾气，离家出走啊？”
考虑一下自小和爹爹相处的方式，“我觉得应该是我爹爹跟我闹脾气，然后很愉快的把我送出家门，并且非常快乐是不用在短期内见着我。”出云谷在南域，凤凰阁在最北端，之间的行程来回至少半年，爹爹的心思明显得根本不用去猜想。
他再度沉默，不知道是不是昏迷了。
很郁闷的闭上眼，也不打算再搭理他了。
一个时辰后，那四个逃逸的龙虎雀武都回来了，在看到我身边有个血人儿，顿时傻掉，最后才请示我后将那人搬去清洗，再搬回来让我看看伤口。
他伤得很重，不但中了剧毒，整个身体几乎都被刀剑砍得破破烂烂的，可难不倒我。
花了几天的功夫帮他把伤口全部补好，内伤由小龙他们负责调理，我则很郁闷的继续在暂时停留的野外大树下天天趴着晒太阳。
又过了数天，那个叫韩天平的人终于能自己爬起来了。
掀起眼皮子看看面前高大俊朗、看年纪大不了我几岁的年轻男子，有点羡慕他，如果我也能长成这个样子，爹爹一定不会不理我吧？
他蹲在毯子前，一张逐渐恢复神气的面容很英俊也很男人气概，双眼凝着我，他勾起个笑，“你叫什么名字？”
“逍遥，我叫逍遥。”郁闷的垂下眼，不想去看他刺眼的英姿勃发。
他低笑了，“好，逍遥，今后阎罗殿的所有魍魉鬼魅全部会听从你的指示。”
打了个寒蝉，“不要。”很明确的拒绝，我还活着，不想和那些死亡的幽魂有任何牵扯。
他一点也不惊讶的瞧着我，又笑，“那请让我跟着你抵达你的目的地，你救了我，我必须报答。”
瞅他男人味道十足的脸，心情愈发郁闷，“随便你。”懒懒的将脑袋耷拉下去，也许和这样的男人相处久了，我也会沾染一些气势，少一分女人的阴柔？
不知道是不是韩天平的仇家太多的缘故，有了他在的一路上，热闹了很多，无论白天夜晚都有大把的人前来送死。
他说他的手下有人背叛他，买通了各路杀手来取他的性命，上一回的中招是在不防备手下时中了毒，这一回等送我到了终点，他会回去清理门户。
怎么样我都无所谓啦，反正无论韩天平还是龙虎雀武，送上门的人没有一个能通过他们来干扰到我，世界无论如何喧嚣，我依旧处在安然又郁闷的天地间，反复的沉思，再反复的更加郁闷。
深深的夜，醒来的原因是有人靠近。
懒洋洋的仰躺在床上，眼都不掀，能穿越外屋守卫的龙虎雀武进来的人几乎是没有，所以来人肯定是他们之一。
应该是来查看我有没有踢被子的吧？混沌的大脑没有工作，我躺在床上动也不动的等那人出去后，还给我睡眠的安静。
来人走到床前了，安静的在黑夜里立了很久。
出云谷才有的特殊药草味道淡淡的弥散在鼻端，很好闻，并没有闻过几次，却被自己潜意识强迫的记住，只因为那是我那冷情的爹爹身上才有的味道。
心情立即郁闷起来，让我皱了皱眉。
温热粗糙的大掌突然覆盖住了我的双眼，在我还没来得及思考是怎么回事的时候，柔软温暖的什么东西压上了我的唇。
惊讶的掀开眼，看不见任何事物，只感觉自己的睫毛刷过那只盖住视线的手掌。
灼热的鼻息喷洒在我面颊上，唇上的压力加重，开始摩挲，像是知道我醒了一般，湿滑的什么竟然分开了我的唇瓣，探入我的嘴内。
这个人在干什么？被动的微微张嘴任那柔软却坚毅的湿物在口腔里移动了半天，才后知后觉的发现那好像是条舌头，很灵活的舌头，那么紧贴在我嘴上的应该是某人的嘴，现在正在进行的动作可以形容成亲吻。
我为什么要接受一个看不见的人的亲吻？刚刚抬起手，双手的手腕却先后被同一只大手擒住，按向我的头顶。唇舌依旧在热切的纠缠，不属于我的唾液竟然有一丝甜……
禁锢终于解除，在我急速喘息的时候，听见一道沙哑又低沉浑厚的轻喃：“遥儿……”
是爹爹？！
猛然睁眼，屋内空无一人。
错愕又惊讶的抚摸上自己发麻肿胀的唇瓣，舌头都还有着被席卷过的些微疼痛，嘴里还有着不属于我的味道，刚刚我绝对不是做梦，那道醇厚的呼唤就算没听过几回，也知道只有爹爹才会如此唤我……
但爹爹在出云谷，怎么会出现在我屋内还亲吻我？
那个连看都不愿意看我一眼的爹爹？
疑惑的重新闭上双眼，自出谷之后，我愈加浅眠，在谷里，我一睡就是天亮，中途从不曾醒来，可出了谷后，任何细微的声响都会让我自然清醒。这样的不同，竟然让我发现有人在我入睡后进来吻我？
有可能是爹爹么？
心砰然剧烈跳动起来，真的是爹爹么……
细微的雀跃了，如果真是爹爹，是不是意味着他其实并不讨厌我的？他还是把我当儿子看待的？先不管为什么他会对自己的儿子有亲昵的欲望，一想到他有可能不厌恶我的，喜悦就悄悄的弥散上了心头。
倏的坐起了身，不顾是深夜，我胡乱套上外衣和鞋子就出了里屋。
外屋里睡着小龙和小雀，守着大门口的是小虎和小武，见到我奔出来，他们惊讶的对望了一眼，“少主子？”
“我爹爹在这里是不是？”急切的四处观望，小小的临时租借的院落只有两间屋子的一目了然，那个韩天平一点也不委屈的选择了柴房当卧室，漆黑的周围，根本看不见任何其他人影。
小龙和小雀从屋里衣着不太整的追出来，比我还惊讶道：“主子在这里？”
小虎和小武摇头，纳闷的也跟着到处看，“没有啊，根本就没有人靠近过。”
我拧起了眉，“连刺客都没有？”怎么可能，因为韩天平的随行，杀手无时无刻不冒出，三更半夜更是杀手汇聚的好时机。
小虎和小武摇头，“没有，今晚很安静，没有半个刺客上门。”
“那爹爹一定是来了。”没有杀手上门，肯定是因为爹爹的缘故。推开他们，拉开大门，跑出门老远，可到处只还是广漠的黑暗，没有丝毫人烟。
“少主子？”四个与我年纪相仿的龙虎雀武跟在我身后，一个比一个摸不着头脑。
难得快乐起来的心一下子坠落，是我在做梦？因为太渴望爹爹的正视而做的荒唐梦境？苦苦的涩涌出，默默垂下眼，嘲讽的笑了，原来我的修身养性还不够么？所以还会患得患失，竟然还会渴求明知永远不会拥有的，竟然还学会了欺骗自己。
抬手摸了摸唇，上面的热消退了，是冷冷的冰凉。
“少主子？”龙虎雀武担心的围绕住我。
“没事。”浅浅而笑，我垂眸回身走入院内，跨入自己的屋，将门关掩在身后，灼热的液体再也无法克制的刺痛了双眼，滑下面颊。
抬手捂住自己的脸，我笑自己是个白痴。
大唐盛世啊，国泰民安，官府和人民皆过着富足的生活。而江湖中，依旧是腥风血雨，至少我身边是。
无聊的看着韩天平将一颗刚砍下的脑袋踢到一边去，我托着下颌打了个呵欠，“我们不去凤凰阁了，先去你的阎罗殿看看吧。”浓郁的血腥味在风中弥散，我是不怎么介意草菅人命，可若是被官府盯上了，连累我去坐大牢可不值得。
韩天平将剑上的血抖掉收回剑鞘，听见我的话，惊讶的转个身，“逍遥，你不是讨厌我的阎罗殿么？”
“我讨厌的是你们没创意的取名方式。”什么魍魉鬼魅，听起来就毛骨悚然的吓人。
“那好，走吧。”他倒爽快，很直接的答应。
龙虎雀武眼里满是兴奋，头一回出谷的他们对什么都很感兴趣，就连杀人都会很快乐的使用学过的各种手段，然后聚在一起比较与练武时的假想有何不同点。
马车缓慢的移动，我卧回车内的柔软坐垫里，心情低落又郁闷。
自数天前的怪异梦境后，我很难再睡着，美梦自然没有再做过，换来的倒是越来越阴沉的郁闷心境。懒洋洋的闭上眼，开始胡思乱想，如果这一趟出谷，我很走运的死在外面，爹爹会不会很开心？
他会不会立即再娶再生，然后万幸的得到了个儿子，从此永远快乐一生，将曾经有过的污点——我——抛到脑后，绝不再想起？
缓慢的皱起了眉头，抬手摸上自己缠了布条的胸口，依旧摸得出些微凹凸曲线。叹息着将视线移到双腿间，就算拿刀子把胸部割掉了，那里也长不出上天给予男人的天赋吧？
嗤笑自己的荒谬想法，懒得理马车突然的剧烈震撼和外头再度扬起的熟悉打杀声，放任自己的思绪游走，感觉自己像抹可笑的幽魂。
冲进马车将我一把扯出的巨大力道让我微微回了神。
韩天平大吼：“马车快翻了，你发什么呆啊？”还没吼完就被龙虎雀武踹到一边去，四个人以我为中心的牢固守护住。
怔怔的仰起头看在我眼里永远晦涩无生气的天和云，身边的鲜血飞溅和残酷的撕杀入不了我的眼也惊不了我的神，就算我极力想去感受那天空的蔚蓝，却怎么也让我无法感动，一切，都是灰的，死的。
突然四个方向里射来黑色的纱，将我推向上空，接着一条结实有力的臂膀牢牢的锁住了我的腰。
一点也不熟悉却隐藏在记忆深处的淡淡药草味弥散上鼻端，散乱的神智瞬间回归大脑，我震惊的掀起眼，仰视揽住我的男人：“爹爹……”这是他第一次碰触到我，第一次离我这么近，他怎么会来，怎么会抱住我，怎么会……
强健的身躯绷得紧紧的，散发着浓浓的抗拒。他连看都不看我一眼，飞身到一侧后，立即振臂将我抛开，背手立在离我三尺远外，侧偏的冷峻完美面孔上是冷漠和严酷。
稳住身形飘然落地，我垂下长长的睫毛，心口很闷。看了眼那方当我不存在的挺拔俊美男人，移开视线，看见我先前所处的位置被数十根利箭扎得像让蚕宝宝吐丝做茧的芒山。
原来……只有在生死的关头，爹爹才会不得已的靠近我来拯救我这条单脉？
地上多出数十具尸体后，龙虎雀武恭敬的朝爹爹行礼下去：“主子。”
而落在爹爹身后的四道高健黑影则朝我拜了礼：“少主子。”
我慢慢勾起个弧度，低垂的眼帘里看见离我最近的龙虎雀武他们很胆怯的悄悄后退。心，郁闷无比。
另存的唯一站立者，韩天平走过来，好奇的看看我们这架势，开朗笑着拱手抱拳：“在下韩天平，多谢搭救之恩。”
不用看也感受到爹爹那边的冷漠寒意，不指望能听见爹爹会在外人面前与我对话。我闭了闭眼，“爹爹，我先走了。”独自慢吞吞的走入满地的尸体堆，然后顿住。
“少主子！”担心又害怕的龙虎雀武同时叫起来。
我很郁闷，很郁闷的低下头，看着尸体堆中伸出的一只手拉住我的衣袍下摆，就连死人也会拉我止步，为什么我那个无情的爹爹连唤都不会唤我一声？
韩天平大步过来，利落的一剑斩断那只手，也低下脑袋，看着我的衣摆，“哎呀，弄脏了。”指向雪白布料上的血印子。
抬起眼看他，高我一个头，健壮有力，男子气概十足，看起来就是条汉子。慢慢的转过头，望向另一端冷漠的爹爹，忽略掉他眺望远方的视线，微笑了：“爹爹，您想不想要个女婿？”多少女婿也算半子，他会不会稍微开心一点？
他周身立即泛出狂暴的冷戾，直接忽视掉我，飞身离去。
跟随而去的是清一色黑衣的青龙、白虎、朱雀和玄武。
一下子，天地间只剩下傻掉的龙虎雀武和我，及我身边满脸莫名其妙的韩天平。
“你有姐妹要嫁人？”韩天平好笑的问。
我扫了他一眼，有气无力的咧了咧嘴，“现在没有了。”看来这个主意爹爹一点也不感兴趣，想来他还是想要个真正的儿子。
龙虎雀武哆哆嗦嗦的走过来，哀叫：“老天，少主子，您吓死人了。”
我有么？很郁闷的扫他们一眼，叹息着闭上双眸，脑子里浮现出爹爹冷酷的面孔，心情更加郁闷起来。
以着缓慢的速度往阎罗殿行走，我的琉璃卜算子的头衔则以飞速向江湖蔓延，只因为偶尔郁闷无比的在行经路途中，对着马车边经过的人练习看面相，而招引来大批看相人马，也让我的头衔传开扬名得顺利无比。
天晓得，我的本行应该是行医……
于是，在韩天平杀入阎罗殿铲除叛徒的时候，我被围困在马车里，对着汹涌的人潮，郁闷的透露着每个人的天机，好导致我的夭寿，给予爹爹第二个孩子的机会。
不知道要跟多少人说尽他们一生的波折，我才能魂归西天，离开这个让我郁闷的世界。
我知道，我开始厌倦这个世界了。
原以为在出云谷里爹爹不理不睬可以在我提议出谷时得到一点改善，结果他根本连点反应也没有的就答应了，还很顺便的把我派往遥远的地方，半年内不用回去。
然后在我生命有危险的时候，迫不得已的突然冒了出来，救了我一条小命，接着就跟粘上了剧毒一般将我扔开。
其实，我是不是应该感谢他，看在我是他单脉的份上还会出手相救？至少他没有袖手旁观的叫手下来救我，而是勉为其难的亲自出了手。
可为什么我越想就越郁闷呢？心情一天天的低落，看什么都觉得无聊又厌恶，以往世界在我眼里虽然灰暗，至少还辨别得出颜色，如今什么都只剩下了黑与白和灰，死气沉沉。
顺利清除叛徒，收复阎罗殿的韩天平按照他的承诺继续陪我们北上，听见江湖中给我的头衔时，很是愕然的大笑，接着认真的问道：“你学的应该是医术吧？”
懒懒的歪过头瞧他暗灰色的面孔，“嗯。”
他挑起浓眉，“你怎么了？话都不说是不是病了？”
摇头，垂下长睫，慢吞吞拨弄着面前碟子里的菜。早在一个时辰前，龙虎雀武他们就委托了韩天平照看好我后，跑得不知人影，留下我们在客栈里很无聊的用着午膳。
他突然伸手，硬是端起我的下巴，“逍遥，你听我说，你爹不理你，是他的问题，跟你没关系，你的人生是要你自己走的。”
安静的瞧着他两颗眼珠，缓慢的弯起唇角，“你的阎罗殿有多强？”
他不解，还是回答：“很强，是江湖中最强的杀手组织。”
推开他的手，托住下巴，“知道出云谷么？”
他很惊讶的扬起眉毛，“知道，最剧烈的毒药和最珍贵的药草生长地，出云圣君的地盘，没人知道在什么地方。”
轻轻眨了眨眼，笑了，“我给你地点和入谷的方式，你帮我把它灭了吧。”
他紧紧的皱起了眉毛，盯了我好一会儿，才道：“不用告诉我任何东西，我会传出误导的流言，让其他人去送死。”
“你很聪明。”玩着手里的筷子，我收起了唇上的弧度，懒洋洋的垂下眼，“如果我是你就好了。”轻叹了，低垂下头，靠入手肘的弯处，“如果我是你就好了。”如果我是个儿子就好了……
前往凤凰阁的路上，韩天平一直想方设法的逗我说话，可总是不成功的让他脸上有明显的挫败，龙虎雀武终于看不过眼的偷偷告诉他，我的性子一直就是这样，越劝越不快乐，到最后心情一不好，就搞得所有人心情一起郁闷下去。
当韩天平跑来很直接的问我是不是这样时，我点头，“你没看他们总是找借口离我远远的么？”还很没良心的陷害外人来陪我。
韩天平翻个大白眼，拍了拍我的肩膀，“你救了我一命，无论如何我不会让你这么消沉的，至少得像个人吧？别浪费了这么漂亮的外表。”
下意识的摸了摸嫩嫩的脸，我抬眼瞧他很男性化的面孔，羡慕起来，“我长得一点都不像个男的是么？”
他哈哈笑起来，“是没见过有男的长得像你这么好看的。”
有些恼火又有些惊讶，“我爹就比我好看。”
他抓了抓下巴，努力回想，“你爹啊？其实我觉得他比较像你大哥。”笑得很开朗道：“他可以说是个很英俊的男人，不过和你根本不是同一类型的，你没有那份压倒人的气势。”
我知道，郁闷。看向灰濛濛的天，扯了下嘴角，回忆起很久很久以前，曾经偷偷听过爹爹与其他人的谈话，他说，为什么我不是儿子。
那个时候我才明白，小时候无论再如何哭闹着要爹爹也见不到人影是有理由的。
错，不在我也不在爹爹，错，只在于我的性别，我是个女的。
某一天的深夜，我请韩天平悄悄的带我回了阎王殿，刻意封闭了我的所有消息，就让所有人都以为我烟消云散了吧。
韩天平将阎王殿迁移到长江沿岸的群山之中，我教他们使用了我新领悟的五行阵势，将整个阎王殿彻底的隐藏了起来。阵势的走法和布阵的方式因为过新，所以老出问题，不是走不进去，就是走进去了出不来，反复设置了很久，才稳定下来。
这一段时间里，我住在阎王殿的最高深处，山之颠峰的逍遥楼内。
韩天平很闲的没事就往我这边跑，跟我谈江湖中关于出云谷的任何小道消息，可每一次都是不变的言辞：“如果不是太过隐秘，就是我们阎王殿的消息网无能，出云谷还是神秘得没有任何动静。”
我蜷缩在面峭壁悬崖的围栏里，望着外面灰茫茫的云海，“大概我爹爹新娶了妻子，有了新的继承人了吧？”我想韩天平应该猜得出我的身份，所以说话没头没尾的。
他听得懂，“那很好啊，你自由了。”
心隐约的在抽痛，自由的滋味原来是这么的难受。我歪头靠着柱子，“如果当初我没救你，你还会对我这么照顾么？”
他沉默了一阵，“会，你让我很怜惜。”
“你要娶我么？”转过脸，我看着他在我眼里逐渐模糊的面孔。
他似乎在皱眉，“逍遥，你不说你的身份，我就不猜，你不说你的性别，那我就不在意，你是男是女都是我的朋友，我怜惜的是你的人，不是你的性别。”
他好像知道了我一直郁闷的原因啊。抬起手，看不清手指的纹路，我微微笑了，“韩天平，认识你，真幸运。”天底下还会有谁能对我说出他这番话？
他离我一步之遥的脸忽然凑近，“既然你都是明白道理的，为什么还这么不开心呢？逍遥，我从没见过你真心的笑过，三年了，从来没有。”
刹那间有些错愕了，原来我认识了他有三年了？尖锐的痛让我突然无法呼吸，三年的时间里，他跟我说出云谷从未有过任何动静，原来三年的时间里，我真的让爹爹彻底的遗忘掉了？
热热的泪坠落，我怔怔的笑了，一把抓住韩天平的手臂，“杀了我吧，韩天平。”我还在期盼什么呢？迷迷糊糊的过了三年的时光，我能忘却了时间的流逝，其他人也能够无动于衷的就这么过了三年么？
他骇然，“你疯了？”
揪住胸口的衣襟，好难过，郁闷过后是厌倦，厌倦过后是麻木，麻木过后就只剩下绝望，“韩天平，我想我真的是疯了。”疯到清晰的感受心脏的撕裂，感受到血管里血液的疯狂涌动。
“逍遥，逍遥？你别吓我，你的医术那么好，别让你自己走火入魔，无论是谁都不值得的，活着才是最重要的！”他握紧我的双肩，焦急的大吼。
我以为由我来抛弃一切会轻松很多，可为什么这么痛不欲生？眨掉泪水，我笑着摇头，“我没事，刚刚走神了。”轻推推他，示意他放手，“你说得对，活着才是最重要的。”
他的呼吸很紊乱，语调微微颤抖，“逍遥，帮你取名字的人一定是在诅咒你。”
咯咯笑起来，悄悄的告诉他：“帮我取名字的人是我爹爹。”
那夜，我离开了不知不觉中住了三年的阎王殿，自高高的悬崖之颠，纵身跃下。
漆黑，无尽的漆黑，寒冷，透彻心扉的寒冷，我笑得无力，果然不能指望死亡会带给我温暖。
曾经唯一一次那样接近过的温暖，显得如此的奢侈起来，尽管对方散发着强烈的抗拒，那也是我一生中惟有的记忆啊。
第二章
掀开眼，是个朦朦胧胧的世界，空气清新，听得见四处的悦耳的鸟语鸣唱。
“你醒了！”低沉陌生的沙哑嗓音带着极度的惊喜，随即一只冰冷的大掌抚上了我的额。
皱了皱眉，我很冷静的偏头转向床边模糊的人影，看不清他的轮廓，“你是哪位？”曲起手肘，使力想起身，莫名其妙的虚弱让我困惑，“搞什么，小雀？”扬声叫道。
“遥儿？”床边的人伸手，动作很不熟练的扶起我，听声音来是满满的疑惑。
懒洋洋的看他一眼，“你是新来谷里的？懂不懂规矩？我的逍遥居是不准任意出入的，你去把小雀找来，我免你的责罚。”
空气似乎窒息了，好一会儿，他才直起高大的身，走出门去。
有些纳闷，待门口走入红色的朦胧身影，我才懒懒道：“小雀？”眼睛的视力似乎比睡前突然差了很多，但我无所谓，是死是活都无所谓。
清脆的女嗓怪异又谨慎，“少主子，您醒了没？”
奇怪的询问，略烦躁的合了眼，“服侍我梳洗吧，我饿了。”
她迟疑了一下，走上来搀扶我起身换衣，再帮我洗脸梳理长发。
静静的任她服侍，我垂下眼，握了握无力的拳头，“我是不是病了？”全身都软绵绵的没力气，原来在凉亭里睡觉还是不太好的？
她小心的恩了一声。
“去帮我在亭子那里准备薄被吧。”虽然不喜欢，可身子毕竟是我自己的，病了难受的还是自己。
她抽了口气，“少主子，您身子还禁不得风的。”
“有这么严重？不就是受了风寒么？”我边说边搭上自己的脉搏，微微惊讶起来，“怎么会……”五脏受损，经脉俱伤，头部有重创？“我是在树上睡觉时摔下来的？”还以为是在凉亭睡觉时受的寒，脑子里的记忆有些混乱起来。
小雀嗓音哑了，带着哭腔，“少主子不记得了？您被送回来的时候，就只剩一口气了，要不是主子尽了全力救您，您怕是……”
偏转过脸，看着她举袖子擦面颊的动作，看不见她的泪，但听得出她的哽咽，淡笑一声，“那真是谢谢爹爹了。”心悄悄的颤动了一下，常年不见人影的爹爹救的我是么？
“少主子……”她抽泣了一下，语调又变得小心起来，“您与主子闹脾气了？”
诧异的勾起了唇，“怎么会？我都快一年没见着爹爹了，不是你说，我还不知道是爹爹救了我，怎么会闹脾气？”从不曾主动理会我的爹爹居然会亲手救我，高兴还来不及呢。
她转头。
顺着她转的方向，看到门口站立着先前坐在我床边的陌生男人，“他是谁？谷外请来的大夫？”多可笑，全天下医术绝没有比爹爹更好的人，怎么会请了谷外的人来医治我。
小雀猛然转头看我，“少主子，您——”
门口的男人开口打断了她，“你不记得我了，遥儿？”
缓慢的眯上眼，“我爹爹才能这么称呼我，你不想死就闭嘴。”没人敢这么无礼，他以为他是谁？
小雀倒抽气，全身都颤抖起来。
门口的男人沉默了，背着手慢慢的走上前。
随着他的靠近，我慢吞吞的仰起头，发现他很高，高出我一个头以上，让我的脖子仰得有点费力，“没人告诉你我是出云谷的少主子么？”觉得有些有趣，这人不怕死还是怎么着？
他低着头，模糊的五官看不清表情，半晌后，低沉的问道：“你是尉迟逍遥？”
笑得玩味，“我是，你哪位？”
“你摔坏脑袋了？”他的嗓音有些窒息。
嗤笑一声，“干你何事？”懒得再理这个莫名其妙的人，我将脖子恢复成直线，转向一边的小雀，犹豫了一下，才问道：“我爹爹呢？他……又出谷了是不是？”连我病了都不能让他多呆一会儿么？
“出去！”面前的男人突然暴呵。
小雀慌张的逃出门。
我则缓慢的再度仰起头，好奇的笑了，“你竟然能命令我身边的人？”谁给他的权利，而且小雀为什么会听从？
他一把攫住我的下巴，很用力，整个人俯下身，呼吸几乎洒到我的脸上，“不要和我玩花样，遥儿，你以为我是谁？”
垂眼看看下巴上修长冰凉的手指，再抬眼对上他朦胧的面，冷笑，“找死。”抬手一掌拍过去。
他连躲都没躲的任我拍上他的腰腹。
我困惑的眯上眼，“我爹爹给过你解药？”没可能有人受了我一掌不死的，我掌心的毒除了爹爹，无人能解。
他沉默了，再度开口时，浑厚的嗓音里多了丝恐慌，“你忘了我，你忘了我是不是？遥儿？”
“我不认识你。”很直接的给了答案，我推开他没有再使力的手，迳自绕过他走向门口，却被他猛的拽住手腕，硬是扯着转过身来面对上他。
瞟了眼手腕上的大掌，我皱了皱眉，“你的体温很低，是不是有病？”才想很好心的抬手帮他把脉，他却迅速的松手后退了一大步。
瑟缩了瞳眸，想起爹爹总是每当我接近，就会飞快的往后躲，心抽痛一下，不愿再回想，干脆转身走人，这一回他没拦我。
走出厢房，看到房门外聚集了满满的人，瞧见突兀的四道漆黑身影，我惊讶的眨了眨眼，“我爹爹在哪里？”永远黑衣的青龙、白虎、朱雀、玄武是爹爹的贴身侍卫，他们在这里，爹爹就一定在！
掩不住心里的欢跃，我四处张望，却怎么也找不到那抹挺拔的身姿。
众人在我开口的瞬间鸦雀无声，所有模糊的面孔都对着我。
些微失望了，早该清楚爹爹不愿靠近我的事实，他恐怕只是派青龙他们过来查看我的情况罢了，救了我的命，我该感激的，还奢求什么呢？算了，“我饿了，小雀。”
不再有神气理会这些看不清面孔的人，我慢慢的往外走去，“把膳食端到亭子里来吧。”
逍遥居外就是广阔的斑斓湖，湖面一道飞架高桥，桥的最上方是座精美的凉亭，是我最喜欢呆的地方，每每心情郁闷的时候，我都会在这里蜷缩着放任思绪游走。
膳食端了上来，独自留在亭子内的却是之前怪异的高大男人。
“我是……尉迟绛紫的好友，你，曾经见过的。”他坐在离我最远的石椅上，低沉道。
些微有趣的笑了，偏头靠上柱子，“是么？”这人撒谎也不打草稿，我爹爹向来对我不闻不问，怎么可能会将我介绍给他的朋友，我连爹爹有没有朋友都不清楚。
尴尬的气氛环绕，我懒洋洋的合上眼，“不需要试图接近我，我什么都没有，跟我爹爹的关系也不如何，仅仅顶着个出云谷少主子的头衔罢了。”
他语调僵硬，“对不起。”
眯眼看着朦胧中的世界，发现自己辩不出色泽，只有黑白与深浅不同的灰，“没关系。”
高健的身躯不知道什么时候来到了我身边，他伸出手，迟疑了一下，触上了我的额。
冰一样的体温让我皱了眉，闪开去，“你很冷，不要碰我。”既然他中不了我的毒，那么没体力又虚弱的我完全不可能杀他，只得窝囊回避。
大掌捏成了拳收回去，他出声时喉咙里像哽了块石头，“对不起。”
没兴趣理他，懒懒的坐在软垫里，无神的看着亭外，我忽然转过头，“你说你是我爹爹的朋友？”
他坐回了离我最远的距离，那张脸是面对着我的，“是。”
深呼吸一口气，我勉强勾了勾唇，“我爹爹在谷里？”既然他朋友在这里，他没道理外出吧？
“他在。”他的声音一直有些困难的迟缓。
心情瞬时愉悦了，托住下巴转开头，真想偷偷到爹爹的绛紫殿去看看他，好久没看到他了。
“你想去见你爹爹么？”他忽然问道。
我动也没动，弯出个嘲弄的笑，“他不会见我的。”无论我怎么追，他连个背影都不会施舍，就连他身上散发的特殊药味，也是小虎告诉我的。关于爹爹，我少得可怜的了解全部是从旁人转述而来。
一只黑色的鸟儿飞过，我呆呆的盯住那小小的身影，羡慕极了，“好自由啊……”飞得那样的无牵无挂，无拘无束，哪像我这么笨，恐怕到死都被拘禁在谷里面。
低沉的询问又传来，“你想出谷么？”
怔忪了，我要出谷么？在谷里已经与爹爹遥不可及，一旦出了谷，怕是连血缘的关系都会被斩断了吧？轻笑一声，“出去了，怕就是回不来了。”
“为什么？”
还不明显么？“爹爹不会让我再回来的。”如果是我主动放弃了，爹爹肯定会名正言顺的不要我。如果连爹爹都不要我了，这世界上，还会有谁要我？滚烫的湿滑落面颊，侧开头，抬手用袖子擦掉脸上的湿润，有些惊讶自己情绪在外人面前的显露。
“对不起。”他很慢很慢的沙哑说道。
我转向他，忽然起了好奇，“你长的是什么样子？”爹爹的朋友呢，会是个什么样子的人？
他难掩诧异，“你看不见我？”
“看不清。”没有隐瞒，指了指自己的眼，“可能真摔坏脑子了，我看不清任何东西，也辩不出颜色。”
他倏然起身，走过来，“把手给我。”
失笑，“我爹爹都诊不出来，你怎么可能会知道是什么原因？”瞄了眼他伸出的大手，“你的体温好像有点问题，最好去让我爹爹帮你看看吧。”哪有人的体温和冰似的。
他顿了顿，“我的体温很正常，只有你觉得冷。”
好奇怪的说法，我耸肩，“也许吧，也可以归结为摔坏脑子了。”反正病了是事实，无论有什么异常都允许发生。
“给我你的手。”他要求。
有些恼，“不要你自称是爹爹的朋友就这么霸道。”他以为他是谁？
大手再次捏成拳收回去，他无声站了半晌，蓦然而去。
我无动于衷的靠回柱子上，继续我的白日梦。
第二日，当小雀和小龙陪我上了凉亭的时候，那个怪异的男人又出现了，我撇开头，懒洋洋的爬上老位置坐下，连看他的兴趣都没有。
小雀端上早膳，坐在我身边的椅子上似乎很不安，好一会儿才在我慢慢喝粥的时候小声道：“少主子，多些日子就是您的生辰了，主子吩咐要摆盛宴，为您冲冲喜。”
弯起个很讥讽的笑，我的生日，我爹爹从不会露面，只是吩咐白虎他们送来礼物而已……抬起头，有点疑惑的瞅了小雀一眼，“等等，前个月才是我18岁生日，怎么这么快又到新的生辰了？”有些郁闷起来，爹爹他连我出生的时辰都已经忘了么？
小雀顿时哑口无言，转看向亭子最那一端的安静而坐的男人。
我懒懒的扬起眉毛，“看他做什么？他到底是谁？”
立在一侧的小龙道：“他……是主子的好友，是主子吩咐来陪少主子的。”
些微厌恶的哼笑一声，“我不需要任何人。”转过头撑住下颌，全世界上，我唯一希望出现在身边的人是我爹爹，除了他，我谁都不要。
小雀接过我手里的碗，和小龙悄悄的退了出去。
我知道亭子里离我最远的那男人还在，不过不干我的事，只是胡思乱想着，让思绪逐渐的抽空，合上眼沉陷入冥想的状态。
当魂魄几乎要浮动出躯体时，一只很大的手掌覆盖上了我的双眼，然后没等我能凝神思考的时候，柔软的感触贴上了唇瓣。
双唇上的摩挲轻柔又温和，暖意浸透心扉，眼皮上的掌心散发着强大的温暖，让我昏昏欲睡又贪恋着想再多体会这样陌生又舒服的感觉。
唇上的暖一凉，低低的叹息洒在我的嘴角，“遥儿……”
昏沉的神智蓦然惊醒，鼻端萦绕的特殊药草味是我在绛紫殿闻过，小虎说是爹爹身上才特有的气味，是爹爹？！
惊喜的猛然掀眼：“爹爹……”看见空荡荡的凉亭内，除了我，只有距离我最遥远的那一端的怪异男人。
浓浓的失落让心脏紧缩，缩得都疼了，我扫了眼面对着我的怪异男人，勉强勾了勾嘴，觉得好狼狈。
原来，是做梦了，只有在梦里面，爹爹才会靠得我那么近，近到可以感受到他的体温……爹爹有体温么？他的体温又是什么程度的暖？我从不曾有机会知道。
寞落的偏开头，心情无比的郁闷起来。
那端的男人忽然开了口：“我去把你爹爹找来。”
眯眼凝视着亭子外的灰白世界，我咧了咧嘴，语调拖得老长：“痴心妄想是件愚蠢的事。”活了18个年头，我早就清楚自己在爹爹心里的地位，绝不再奢求我根本得不到的一切。
“他一定会来。”那男人的口吻里有着坚定，然后起身而去。
我吃吃的笑了，伸出手想去捕捉无形的风，可风又怎么会被捉住？一如我那冷漠无情的爹爹，怎么会听从所谓好友的劝告，特地前来见我一面？
病，是爹爹医的，自我清醒后，爹爹从不曾来过探望我一眼，我又何苦为难自己天天期盼？又不是傻子啊。
无声息的有人接近凉亭。
我的心不受控制的开始加速跳跃，犹豫，再犹豫，再三的告诫自己不要愚蠢得相信自己的好运，可还是在有人迈入凉亭的时候，直起身急切的转过了头。
亭子里只有那个怪异的男人，和黑衣的青龙他们四个。
我呵呵的笑了，软软的靠住柱子，笑不可抑，当笑声逐渐自我嘴里消失时，我垂下长长的睫毛，很轻很轻道：“请不要给我可笑的期望，我会当真。”懒懒的撑起了身，下地，慢慢的走出凉亭，在与他们五人擦肩而过的时候，无法止住心里涌出的强烈憎恨，“我真讨厌你们！”
日出又日落，清晨又昏黄，我的身体恢复得很快，我的心情愈加郁闷。
当新年的到来，年夜饭桌上失去了爹爹的身影时，我发现自以为已经麻木的心还是会痛的。
裹着轻暖的貂裘，我立在灰色的天空下，仰望着那高远的天，觉得心死了。
怪异的男人一直陪在我身旁，每日每日的都不见离开，就连大年夜都和我在一张桌子上用餐。
难道还真的是爹爹的好友啊？我很茫然的笑了笑，“请告诉我爹爹，我想出谷。”算了，算了，还自以为是什么呢？由我来主动抛弃一切算了，省得委屈了爹爹浪费粮食来喂养我这个形同虚设的女儿。
怪异的男人本来在远远的那一头，在我飘忽的吐出心愿时，他竟然低吼出来：“我不准！”
好笑的扯动唇角，“你又不是我爹爹。”如果爹爹听见了，他是答应还是拒绝？如果拒绝，那么意味着我多少还是有稍许重要性的，就算他只当我是个传承血脉的棋子，也值得了，至少他眼里还是有我的。
可如果他答应了……如果他答应了……
鼻子很酸，舞气弥散了双眼，如果他答应了，必定是真的不要我了，那这个世界上，我还能去哪里？我还能做什么，我活着又是为了什么？
“你爹爹不会让你出谷的。”不知何时矗立在我身前的高大男人语调带着怒低道。
心揪起来，我知道自己笑得很丑很勉强，“别帮我欺骗自己了。”
爹爹……一定会让我离开的，一定……
深深的夜，被着什么突然惊醒。
软软的物体抵触着我的嘴温柔又坚定的摩挲着，浑厚的无奈叹息一遍又一遍的刷过我的唇瓣，“遥儿，遥儿，我到底要拿你怎么办……”
又是在做梦么？梦见了绝不可能发生的事？一时间恍惚了，掀开眼，眼前一片漆黑的才发现巨大的手掌覆盖在我的双眼上。“爹、爹爹……”出口的同时，紧紧的闭上了眼，就算是在做梦，能不能让我不要醒来？我不想再品尝到心都碎了的味道。
淡淡的药草香味弥散着没有消失，低沉的呢喃依旧紧挨在我的唇边，嘶哑又狂怒的挤出困难的话语：“我绝不会让你出谷，绝不。”
倒抽一口气，不敢相信自己听到了什么，错愕、震惊、不可置信！可……好甜，好幸福的清流涌上了一直揪痛的心脏，我狂喜啊！
“遥儿，我不会让你再离开我。”
誓言一般的低语叫我快乐得想哭，湿湿的液体滑出紧闭的眼角，润泽了眼上的大掌，我抓紧了身上的被褥，哽咽的笑了，“这个梦，做得真美。”美得让我根本无法相信呵。
低沉的嗓音有些窒息，“对不起，遥儿，对不起。”
温暖的吻纷乱的落在我的鼻尖、面颊、下巴和嘴唇上，那时，我听见自己的血脉在血管里剧烈的澎湃撞击，有些昏沉了，“爹爹，你要我么？”脱口而出的是埋藏在心里18年来的恐惧。
他的低叹沉重若烟：“我爱你。”
心情很好，好得不得了。
每个看到我的人都会不由自主的呆住，不过我才不在乎啦，心情好得像是在飘，很不现实却那么的美好。
于是窝在了很久没进入过的书房，让小雀为我念书。
可能因为心境的关系，不到半个时辰，已经背下了本书，还领悟到了新的阵势，端着暖暖的茶杯，弯着笑，懒得理小雀一直边念书一直冲我看的模糊面孔。
当小武将药端上来时，也呆上好久，才轻轻的道了声：“少主子笑了。”
摸摸嫩嫩的脸，我柔和的弯了眼，“是么？”将药喝掉，发现眼前朦胧的景像似乎清晰了些许。
书房门口出现了怪异男人，在看到我时，很明显的怔住。
勾着笑，我托着下巴，看着小雀和小武向他行礼后退出，轻笑了，“他们为什么要向你行礼？”小雀他们是青龙他们的继承人，能让他们折腰的除了爹爹和我，只有青龙他们四个。
我似乎忽略了身边的事太久，一些细节问题现在才冒出来，“为什么你一直在我身边不走？为什幺爹爹会委托你陪伴我？”
他高健的身躯顿了顿，背着双手抬脚迈入屋内，动作很高雅，“我从没见你笑过。”
答非所问，歪着脑袋瞅他撩袍坐在离我最远的位置上，“我还不知道你的名字呢。”
他安静的注视着我，忽然低沉道：“你笑起来，很美，美得眩目绝伦。”
有趣的转动了眼，“听声音，你该是和我爹爹年龄相仿，应该有自己的家世才对，为什么会把时间耗费在我身上，难道爹爹想将我嫁给你？”不理会他的无言以对，我笑得顽皮，“你可是头一个近我身边的外人，想来爹爹是满意你的。”
他好像有点恼火，低低的声线明显透露出不悦，“不要胡说八道。”
迳自的笑，好不开怀。
好一会儿，他才轻道：“你做了好梦？”
微眯的眼眸流转，我笑着缩了缩肩膀，“是啊。”从未有过的好梦呢，让我如此的快乐，刚掀开眼看见黎明，就希翼着尽快天黑，好再度入梦。
“梦……都是假的。”他沉声道。
我笑，懒洋洋的昂起下巴，“又如何，如果能让我在梦里得到我想要的，我又何必强求现实？永远呆在那样的梦里有什么不好。”迤俪的梦啊，有疼惜我的爹爹，我还有什么可求的？
他沉默了。
那夜后，我没有再梦见爹爹，雀跃的心也逐渐的的平静下来，可每当我回想的时候，总会笑得很快乐，哪怕知道实际上事实与梦境相差得天远地远，也不在乎起来。
于是发现自己学会了自欺欺人呢。
当小龙传来消息，说爹爹要为我选亲的时候，我愣了，好久才应了一声，飘回我的凉亭之中去窝。
心里有点酸酸的闷闷的，不知道是为了什么。想了好久也不明白，只是感觉到很久不曾有过的郁闷又笼罩上心头，这一回却是没理由的郁闷。
身为女儿总是要嫁人的，为什么我有为爹爹的决定而不愉快甚至厌恶的情绪出现？
困惑和郁闷让我皱紧眉头思索了几天，直到小雀他们过来请我去见那些我未来丈夫的候选人，在看到厅堂内怪异的男人时，才发现有很多日没见着他了。懒懒的扫了他一眼，也不去理会他为什么会坐在正位上，更不理会爹爹的意料中缺席，我坐上了我的位置，扫了眼底下模糊不清的几道人影。
厅堂内很寂静，没有人说话。
I was lost in thought, pondering the gloom in my heart. I had never experienced such a feeling before, so I couldn't know the reason, nor could I pull myself out of this rut.
The hall remained quiet until I finally snapped out of my daze and realized that everyone was facing me, not saying a word. I narrowed my eyes slightly. Why were they looking at me like that?
The strange man spoke in a low voice: "These are the husband candidates chosen for you. Which one do you prefer?"
Resting my chin on my hand, I blinked. "I heard that Mother married Father because she fell in love with him. At least one of us should have fallen in love with me first before I could marry him, right?" That should be the basic condition for marriage. I don't have to love my husband, because Father didn't love Mother either.
...Hmm, if we consider inheritance, what if I don't like my children in the future? ...It's a bit like a vicious cycle... Never mind, with a slight curve to my lips, I slowly said, "Just kidding. The men Father chooses for me are all outstanding individuals, each one exceptional. Just take a look at whichever one wants to marry me, that's the one."
After my words, the hall fell silent again. I threw the question back at them and continued to ponder my own troubles and confusion, wondering why I was unhappy.
Soon, the husband candidate was selected, and they decided to hold the wedding at the end of the year.
"Yao'er," the young man called out, getting very close to me.
I looked up at him, tall and thin, but I couldn't see his face clearly, so I felt nothing.
He looked down at me for a while, then lowered his head and gently kissed my lips.
I blinked, and when I tasted the bitterness, I pushed him away. "Please wait." Something's not right.
He was taken aback as I pushed him back a large step. "Yao'er?"
A voice that's too young isn't right either; it's not what I want to hear. What do I want to hear? What kind of feeling do I want? I frowned in confusion, pondering.
He suddenly bent down and pressed his hand against his lower back and abdomen.
I glanced at his abrupt movement in surprise, only to realize that I seemed to have unknowingly added the poison to his hand before handing it over... Could this be considered murdering my husband? I quickly handed him the antidote, smiling somewhat awkwardly: "Uh, sorry, I forgot."
He swallowed the pills, leaned on a chair to sit down, and then smiled weakly, "You don't like me, do you?"
My breath caught in my throat, and I froze. What was he saying?
"You have someone else in your heart, don't you?" His tone was calm. "The Valley Master doesn't want you to marry him, so he chose me as your husband, right?"
Slowly, she raised her hand and touched her lips, as if recalling the tender kiss in that beautiful dream. The unique, faint herbal scent reached her nose again, along with the powerful warmth and the deep, resonant sigh... God, I've actually fallen in love with my father?
My heart was in turmoil, then suddenly cleared. I smiled in surprise and realization, shaking my head repeatedly. How could this be? The disappointment before was because of my father's neglect, the joy later was because of the illusion of dreams, and the confusion and unhappiness now are because I will belong to someone else. And it's all because of my father.
It seems my life will always be inseparable from my father.
She lifted her eyes with a mocking laugh, "Nothing, I'm just not used to it yet."
He remained calm. "You know what? You're beautiful. When you smile because you're remembering something, you're stunningly beautiful, like a little woman in love."
"So what?" I laughed sarcastically. "I will be your wife."
I feel tired and ridiculous. Father, Father, I have been entangled with you my whole life and I can't get rid of you. I am willing to be bound. Doesn't he feel tired? I think I'm stupid. My longing for fatherly love has turned into liking. How could this be?
When did this subtle change in mindset begin?
I can never have a father's love, and I should never ask for affection again. I've decided to give up.
So I felt at ease letting my future husband accompany me, even though my mind was becoming increasingly uncontrollable and wandering around. In the end, I forced myself to focus my attention on him.
At least my hair was tied up for him, and at least my body was by his side.
But whenever my mind wanders, I find it almost painful to be confined by this mental constraint.
I've fallen for someone I can't love, someone I can never have. Is it just bad luck or a cruel joke from heaven? I cherish that one and only absurd dream: my father's kiss, his hand, his breath, his voice. I was so happy then, I was almost intoxicated.
Dreams, after all, are all fake.
My eyesight is getting worse and worse. I know it's psychological, because I'm disgusted with the world and subconsciously don't want to look at things with my eyes anymore. So I can no longer see anyone's face clearly, the colorful world, or the truth of everything.
I became numb and indifferent; I could no longer even taste the temperature of the tea.
Some people find it funny that if things continue like this, I won't even be able to perceive the changing seasons. Once my senses are completely dead, I'll officially become a useless person.
"Nonsense." A deep rebuke came, and a cold hand quickly pulled my fingers out of the steaming teacup.
Lifting my eyelashes, I looked at my father's friend, who had disappeared after I chose my husband, and smiled. "Back then, I thought I was going to marry you." If I could marry my father's friend, would I be a little closer to him? It's just a pity I didn't have that luck.
He hesitated for a moment, then stepped back.
Seeing my fingers were red from being wiped dry, I shook them and smiled casually, "Strange, why do I still feel cold?" I can't even tell the temperature of the tea, so why do I feel cold when he touches me?
"What do you mean?" he asked in a low, deep voice.
Looking up, I realized that only he and I were in the tall pavilion. My future husband was nowhere to be seen; he probably left when I was daydreaming and got bored. If I tell him about my situation, will he tell my father? What will my father think if he finds out? Will he ignore it or take it seriously?
I'm getting married soon, is it childish for me to play this game of testing, or am I taking a desperate gamble? I smiled, pursing my lips, and lowered my eyes. "I can't tell." I flicked the steaming tea leaves. "It should be hot, right?"
This time, he came right up and grabbed my hand to take my pulse.
I frowned at the cold body temperature. "A heart ailment, even my father can't cure it." I was too stubborn, and I unknowingly started playing the incestuous game. I brought this upon myself.
The fact that my father never came after he left didn't affect me. I didn't care about this setback. I'm getting married soon, so what's there to be upset about?
And so the wedding arrived, and the ceremony was incredibly lively.
In the dead of night, I was led to the bridal chamber. The bridal veil was lifted, and we drank the nuptial wine. I chuckled as I watched my husband, who had bowed to heaven and earth, and knew that it was all over.
I closed my eyes, letting his kisses fall on my face, letting his hands undress me. I lay softly on the bed, feeling a strange, burning desire surging deep within me. My body, which had almost lost all sensation, became sensitive, so sensitive that even the calluses on his palms gliding across my skin sent a shiver down my spine.
She laughed out in surprise. There was actually an aphrodisiac in the nuptial wine?
My body is immune to all poisons, but aphrodisiacs… which bastard classified aphrodisiacs as something other than poison? A mocking smile curved my lips, my breathing quickening uncontrollably. A strange desire made me want to make a sound, to do something…
I slightly opened my eyes, and in the hazy world, was that blurry figure the object of my desire to do something?
Of course not.
What can I do? I've already given up, what more do you want? I chuckled, raised my arm, and put it around his neck. I could hear my already cracked heart slowly breaking even more. "Did you hear anything?" I asked with a smile.
The man on top of her paused, "What?"
Crash! My heart broke.

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