The disillusioned goddess

I'm just an ordinary man approaching middle age. But deep in every man's heart, there secretly resides a goddess. And she's always extraordinary, existing only in one's imagination.

Perhaps it's the unknown girl he secretly loved when he first experienced love, perhaps it's a close confidante with whom he could share everything, perhaps it's a childhood sweetheart, perhaps it's a lover from his youthful days...

My fantasies about her rarely involve lust; more often

, they're simply a longing, deep in my heart. It's only in the quiet of the night that this longing secretly wells up.

There's also a her in my heart.

Ever since leaving my small town for the bustling city, starting my vibrant university life, I've met many female friends, officially bidding farewell to the bittersweet period of boyhood.

I've begun to understand flirting with the opposite sex, and even met my first girlfriend, navigating through countless joyful and sorrowful years.

The constant influx of new friends in my life, the figures and names of girls who had once intertwined with my life, had long since overshadowed the initial image of my goddess. Busy days had made me forget her for a time.

But that was just a matter of not thinking about her; the goddess in my heart had never truly left.

After countless ordinary days, during sleepless nights, the goddess's image slowly began to reappear before my eyes.

It had been so long; I thought I had forgotten her. But when I lay beside a partner, her perfect image would damnably reappear, beckoning to me in my mind again.

*** *** *** ***
My goddess, her name is Jing.

I think I met her around middle school. Jing seemed to be a year older than me. Our first meeting was the first time I experienced love at first sight. We spent a pleasant afternoon together, an afternoon I felt lightheaded.

As far as I remember, we just played games together; there weren't any particularly special stories, and many other people were also around.

I've heard people say that happiness always comes at a price. The first night after our separation, I tasted the bitterness of longing. My mind was filled with Jing's beautiful image, her every smile and gesture, her melodious laughter echoing in my head.

I couldn't eat or drink; that's what it felt like. Such a apt description, but when I was in that situation, I felt utterly hopeless and miserable.

I was terrified that after our separation, I would never see her again, living each day like a walking corpse. It was the first time I'd ever liked a girl so much, but it was unrequited love.

Finally, I got through the period of unrequited love, and life slowly returned to normal. But from that moment on, Jing's image, without my permission, had forcefully taken up residence in my heart.

Our lives were destined never to intersect, so as her footsteps receded further and further away, her image became increasingly etched into my heart.

*** *** *** ***
And when she reappeared before my eyes, at night, I quietly got up, changed my clothes, and sneaked out of the house. I tiptoed to the alley entrance before starting the engine and speeding towards that address I would never forget. The

cold night wind stung my face, seemingly reminding me that such behavior was far beyond what someone my age should be doing.

Arriving at the familiar alley, I sat in the small park by the roadside, gazing at the long-off windows, clinging to the hope that she still lived there, still in that old apartment whose address I had painstakingly discovered.

In the days that followed, I found a good way to pass the sleepless nights. I don't know if this behavior was ridiculous, if I was truly doing this because I missed her, or if it was just some kind of ritual, a way of commemorating my long-gone youth.

Just as this behavior was becoming a daily routine, a small change occurred that night.

*** *** *** ***
As I was at the nearby convenience store, buying some hot food to satisfy my rumbling stomach, I walked out the door and was met by a woman wearing only a black tank top and black shorts. My heart skipped a beat.

Yes, even after all these years, I recognized her at a glance, and I froze.

Standing at the door, I suddenly forgot how to react. Hadn't I rehearsed this kind of coincidence a hundred times in my mind?

"Do you remember me? I'm so-and-so's cousin! You live here? What a coincidence! We haven't seen each other in so long!" These were the words stuck in my throat, impossible to utter.

In the end, I could only clumsily drag myself away from the scene.

"Jing seemed to smile at me at the door just now, did she recognize me?" With trembling legs, I fled the convenience store and went to the small park, recalling the scene just now.

"No! No! She must have completely forgotten me! She probably doesn't even know who I am! How could she possibly recognize me and smile at me like that!" I guessed nervously.

"It must be my stunned reaction that made her laugh! Her smile probably doesn't mean anything." I told myself calmly. I

never expected that I, who had already experienced so much, would be as excited as a little boy again, just to guess what Jing's faint smile at me at the convenience store entrance was all about.

I lingered at the alley entrance, watching Jing's exquisite figure, her graceful posture, her long legs, her still fair and delicate skin, her swaying steps, a woman strolling through the midnight alley.

"I heard Jing eventually became a flight attendant, such conditions are to be expected." I muttered to myself.

I followed Jing furtively, and sure enough, she walked into the old apartment that was both familiar and unfamiliar to me.

Although I only saw her once, this unexpected surprise tonight left me unable to calm my overly excited emotions.

*** *** *** ***
Every night after that, I seized every opportunity to go out, even if it was just to see Jing again, it would be satisfying.

But things didn't go as planned. For the next month, there were no more chances to meet her. The weather gradually turned colder, and I became busier during the day. Just as I was about to give up this stalking behavior, I looked up to take one last look at Jing's apartment when I suddenly saw the light in the window turn on again.

Then, in the quiet night, I heard the cold, heavy sound of a door closing. I quickly hid to the side of the alley, guessing that she was going down to buy a late-night snack.

I saw the apartment building door slowly open, and Jing came out, wearing a white coat that reached her knees, simply to protect herself from the midnight breeze. Her hair was simply tied up, with half of it hanging down in a ponytail, revealing a head of beautiful, black hair.

Just as I was about to secretly follow her, a man came out of the half-open door, carrying a backpack, and followed Jing.

Judging from their intimate behavior, I guessed that must be her man.

Although I should have known long ago that a woman as outstanding as Jing should already be taken!

Even after seeing it with my own eyes, a slight pang of jealousy still lingered in my heart!

As the two passed the convenience store, they casually greeted the clerk. It seemed everyone in the neighborhood knew each other, as the clerk greeted them warmly in return.

I assumed they were going to the convenience store, but instead, they headed towards a nearby park, which puzzled me.

Driven by curiosity, I followed them.

I watched as Jing's man and she looked around for a moment, then hid behind low bushes and sat on a dark brown outdoor bench.

Then they seemed to begin kissing and caressing intimately. I realized then that Jing and her man were going to have a romantic time in the park.

Although I was extremely reluctant to see Jing being affectionate with another man, after a moment's internal struggle, curiosity prevailed.

Seeing them seemingly entering their own sweet world, I tiptoed towards the bushes opposite them, ignoring the slightly damp dew on the grass, and lay down.

The two embraced tightly, their hands roaming freely over each other's bodies, their lips locked in a passionate kiss, each sucking on the other's tongue.

The man held Jing's delicate body in his arms, and I couldn't help but imagine the sensation of touching her flesh. For the first time, Jing's goddess-like image began to crumble in my mind.

The man greedily caressed every inch of Jing's body, and my fingers trembled slightly with his movements. I couldn't hide the thrill of voyeurism, and the increasingly outrageous fantasies I had about the goddess-like Jing. The excitement within me seemed tinged with a hint of pain.

Under her man's thirsty caresses, Jing began to moan involuntarily.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't have imagined that the most outrageous thing would happen right before my eyes. Afterwards, I wished this day had never happened.

*** *** *** ***
I saw the man pull open Jing's coat, and my goddess, beneath it, was completely naked!

The man used his right index and middle fingers to knead Jing's erect nipples, while his left hand, not idle, explored her private parts. His fingers easily slipped in, barely touching the entrance, as Jing's overflowing vaginal fluids easily moistened his rough fingers.

The man deliberately withdrew his fluid-covered fingers, showing Jing proof of her arousal.
Jing smiled and pulled her fingers back to her genitals, indicating she wanted him to continue caressing her.

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The disillusioned goddess

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