Cherish the girl who gave you her first time

This is my true romantic experience. Every time I recall this past, my heart aches for my past ignorance, cowardice, helplessness, and escapism. I decided to write this story in the hope that brothers who had the same thoughts as me back then will not make the same mistakes I did.

I have had four girlfriends: three classmates and one online friend. When I was with her, three were virgins (except for the online friend): one was my high school classmate, one was my college classmate (Xiaojing, my first time and her first time), and one is my current girlfriend. This story happened during my college years, and the female protagonist is Xiaojing.

Eight years ago, I was admitted to university, completely liberated from the oppressive life of three years of high school. All the depression vanished on the day I received my admission notice. After a two-month summer vacation, I dragged my tired body to register for university. At the school gate, I saw her for the first time: a slender figure, fair skin, and a pretty face that looked somewhat immature because she wasn't wearing makeup. "Little girl" was my first impression of her. Since taxis were not allowed on campus, she stood helplessly at the gate, looking around, with two backpacks and a large suitcase at her feet.

"Damn, even the pretty girls aren't helping. These self-proclaimed well-read bastards really don't know how to cherish women, they have no compassion." I gave the university's "elites" a hard look of contempt. Since I'm from the local area and didn't have much luggage, I went over to greet her politely and helped her with her things. We naturally started getting to know each other. Her name was Xiaojing, a student majoring in Measurement and Control Engineering in the School of Mechanical Engineering,

and she was from Wuxi, Jiangsu. I always thought that there were few girls studying science and engineering, and that they were all rather plain-looking. The School of Mechanical Engineering was especially notorious for this (where do pretty girls study this major?!), so I was always troubled by my choice of Computer Science, and at the same time, I deeply sympathized with the male students in the School of Mechanical Engineering. (It seems there are always exceptions, there are also pure and attractive ones). I was already panting halfway through. Those two big backpacks were incredibly heavy. I really couldn't understand what was inside them; how could a girl register like she was moving house?

After finally getting her to her destination, I was about to take a stroll through the girls' dormitory when the gatekeeper stopped me outside: "Girls' dormitory, boys are not allowed." I pleaded, "Auntie, look at these three big bags, let me help her carry them up." The gatekeeper's stance was firm: "I'll carry them for her." Faced with this "kind" gatekeeper, I was furious. Although reluctant, to maintain a respectable image in the eyes of the beautiful girl, I turned and left with a friendly smile.

Back in the dormitory, I realized I'd forgotten to exchange phone numbers! "What a waste of talent!" I glared fiercely at the unfortunate heavens. "What terrible luck!" But I could only shake my head helplessly; going against fate usually doesn't end well.

After two days of rest, military training began, and I experienced the brutality of military life for the first time. Standing in the queue, I wearily looked at the girls opposite me, tanned like little black radishes. My heart was as pure as a baby's, without a trace of evil thought, not even the energy to entertain any wicked ideas. Every day after training, I felt that eating was a waste of time, washing up was superfluous, and the ladder to my bed seemed endlessly long.

That period was unforgettable; the physical and mental exhaustion kept me from having any erotic dreams for half a month! However, my morning erection proved that I hadn't lost my fertility.

Although the years were tough, they passed quickly, leaving dark marks on our faces. At the opening ceremony, the potato-like faces announced the end of the annual freshman military training and the official start of wonderful university life. I sat alone in the cafeteria, closing my eyes and fantasizing about the blissful life of college. Just as I was about to drool over my fantasies, a clear, sweet voice rang in my ears, "Hello."

"A woman!?" I snapped out of my daze, shaking my head vigorously, trying to banish those filthy thoughts from my mind, my upright expression returning. I glanced at the girl smiling at me. Just like the first time we met, except her face was slightly darker, but she looked very healthy. Her shoulder-length hair was styled in a cute ponytail. "Do you remember me?" "Of course I remember, Xiao Jing, right?" I replied amicably, forcefully suppressing the thought that was about to escape my lips: "I remember all beautiful women." "Thank you for that day, otherwise I really wouldn't know how to get home."

"Don't mention it, it's nothing, helping others is a pleasure." In fact, I never help old ladies cross the street, and I never hand over found money to the police. I've done so many helpful things that you can count them on one hand. Then, we took a walk around campus together. Learning from our previous mistake, this time we exchanged phone numbers… “Who’s that girl?” As soon as we entered the dorm, the third brother couldn’t wait to ask. “Which one?” “Damn, how many do you have? It’s the one you led around campus.” “Oh.” So I told them how I met Xiaojing. “You’re quick on your feet. It’s only the beginning of the semester, and you’ve already succeeded?” “We’re just friends.” I said guiltily, feeling a little ashamed of my earlier ill intentions.

“Friends can develop into something more. It’s only been a few days. Take it slow.” The fourth brother spoke with the air of an experienced person. “Quiet, quiet.” The eldest brother looked serious, then turned to me and gave me a lewd smile that sent chills down my spine.

There was a hint of mystery in his smile, but the rest was lewd and disgusting: "Did you kiss her just now?" I choked on my words, spitting out half the water in my mouth: "Damn it, I haven't even held her hand yet, how can you be so lewd? This is provoking my character!" "Then you'd better hurry up, or it'll be too late for you."

The third brother looked a little gloating. "It's still not your turn, give up." The eldest brother was worried for me: "Those guys in the mechanical engineering department are ruthless, such a pretty girl is left out... hehe..." "Well, I have to check it out first, see if there's anyone better." At that time, I was still quite ambitious, but I was getting a little impatient. "You should take her first, then we'll talk about the suitable ones, broad selection, and focused training." The third brother chimed in again.

"Am I that kind of person? You're too beastly, you're not human." I said that, but I was a little tempted.

A few nights later, my roommates and I went out for dinner together. We drank a bit too much, and in our tipsy state, we started talking about Xiaojing and me again (no wonder, when men drink, all they talk about is bragging and women). I had indeed heard that someone was pursuing Xiaojing these past few days, which Xiaojing had subtly hinted at to me. Encouraged by a group of bad friends and emboldened by the "alcohol emboldens the coward" principle, I mustered up the courage to send Xiaojing a text message I would never have sent sober: "Xiaojing, I like you. I dream about you every night. Will you be my girlfriend?" (The next day, after sobering up, I looked at this poorly written "love letter" and couldn't help but doubt Xiaojing's taste. How could she be won over by such a mediocre skill?)

Time passed by, and half an hour later, just when I was in despair, Xiaojing replied with a text: "Where are you now?" "In the dorm, talking to my buddies about us." I lied to myself, not daring to say I was out drinking and bragging, while also comforting myself that "the second half is the truth," I wasn't lying. "I've never been in a relationship before, you're not lying to me, are you?" This time, Xiaojing replied quickly.

"I'm not a bad person, why are you saying that to me? This is my first time too, I just like you. If you don't agree, just tell me, there's no need to doubt my character." I pretended to be indignant, but inwardly I admired Xiaojing's keenness. I could only lie through my teeth (actually, I didn't believe Xiaojing hadn't dated before either; I later found out that Xiaojing was telling the truth to me, while I only told the truth in one of my three text messages. My character is indeed questionable). "Come pick me up from the dorm at 6:30 tomorrow morning, let's have breakfast together."

"Okay, see you then." I pinched my cheek; it hurt a little, so it wasn't a dream.

"Were you really in the dorm yesterday?" Xiaojing asked me at breakfast the next day. "Yes, why do you ask?"

I was a little unsure, but I still added, "We've been chatting about us." "Oh, nothing much. So... when did you start liking me?" Xiaojing blushed slightly, and I could only strain to hear the rest of her sentence. 'We're not thieves, why are you whispering like this? It's like we're committing adultery, all sneaky.' I thought to myself. "I liked you the day I saw you upon arrival, but I was too shy to say it." I feigned shyness.

"Hehe, so you were bold enough to say it yesterday?" Xiaojing asked slyly. "It was thanks to everyone's encouragement, especially my roommates. It's so hard to keep it inside. Even if I get rejected, we can still be friends." As for how they encouraged me, I dared not say; I might get slapped if I did. "Is this really your first girlfriend?"

"Why are you doubting me again? I really am." "Hehe, doesn't seem like it." Girls are naturally more sensitive about this, that's all I could think. Under my coaxing and questioning, Xiaojing finally told me why she suspected I wasn't in the dorm—it turned out that after receiving my text message, she went to my dorm building alone, wanting to talk to me in person. Finding the lights off, she asked me that. That's why it took her so long to reply to my first text. Hearing this, I was touched and held her hand tightly for the first time. "Huh? So when did you start liking me?" Seeing that Xiaojing was no longer suspicious, I relaxed. "Why are you asking that?" Xiaojing retorted.

"...You asked me first! I'm just returning the favor." I was still trying to reason with her. "Eat quickly, it'll get cold, and you have class." "..." And just like that, I was unwittingly 'tricked' into Xiaojing's heart.

Thus began my three-and-a-half-year-long relationship with Xiaojing. As the saying goes, good fortune never comes in pairs, but misfortunes never come singly. This is so true. Just as I was basking in happiness, tragedy struck. Due to excessive indulgence, I failed two courses in my first semester of freshman year, while Xiaojing received a scholarship. The blow to my self-esteem was immense. Looking at my transcript, I felt shaky. "I answered all the questions, how did I get such low marks? The teacher is really incompetent." How could I ever hold my head high in front of Xiaojing again?

For the sake of my dignity as a man, I reduced my indulgences the following semester and started studying with Xiaojing (I haven't failed a course since then, and I'm very grateful to Xiaojing). Although there was less laughter and joy, my relationship with Xiaojing progressed rapidly. Except for that final hurdle, we did everything I could think of.

Xiaojing was very good to me, giving me small surprises every now and then, and even taking my smelly sports jersey to wash, which often touched me. The

peaceful days ended in the first semester of my junior year. That day was a friend's birthday, and I took Xiaojing to celebrate with him. It was a large and lively gathering. It was the first time I introduced Xiaojing to my best friends, and I could see the nervousness on her face and the surprise on their faces. "Xiaojing, it's a shame you're with him. Why don't you reconsider?"

"Yeah, what a waste of your talent!" Hearing their teasing, especially their praise, she seemed very happy. During dinner, Xiaojing sat quietly next to me, listening to my friends and me ramble on, occasionally tugging at me to signal me to drink less. The party ended close to midnight. Since the dorm was locked, we had to stay at a nearby hotel (although I could have asked them to open the door, I didn't want to bother the security guard). Despite Xiaojing's weak objections, I dragged her, her face flushed, into the room.

As soon as we entered the house, I hugged her and started kissing her. We had done this before, and Xiaojing didn't resist too much. Then, at my insistence, we took a shower together. Although it wasn't the first time I'd seen Xiaojing's body, seeing her 1.65-meter height and only 45-kilogram weight still made my heart ache. Xiaojing seemed to realize the situation was irreversible. Before leaving the bathroom, she asked me very seriously, "Will you stay with me in the future?" "Yes, you'll always be my wife." This irresponsible statement, which I said casually at the time, became the biggest lie of my life.

That night, Xiaojing and I barely slept. It was our first time, and we were both a bit clumsy. Although I had watched many adult films and considered myself experienced, I only realized the gap between reality and fantasy when it came to actual practice. Xiaojing kept crying out in pain, making me sweat profusely.

After trying every method I could remember, it took more than two hours to conquer Xiaojing's stubborn hymen. By then, Xiaojing was in pain, tears streaming down her face. I gently lay on top of Xiaojing, carefully picking up the handkerchief stained with her menstrual blood (Xiaojing always called me a pervert for this, but I never got an answer as to what exactly I was perverted about; in the end, she managed to get rid of that precious handkerchief, probably to silence me).

To soothe her, I used all my strength, and only then could I slowly hear her slightly pleasurable panting. I was already exhausted, and she had already taken me twice. I cursed porn in my heart for being so harmful, and I solemnly tell everyone: women are definitely not something you can just casually penetrate and moan like in the movies! I seriously underestimated Xiaojing's strength and overestimated myself, severely damaging my chauvinistic pride.

To prove my strength, I made love to Xiaojing four times, and the truth told me: virgins are much stronger than virgin men; I hurt her body, and she hurt my dignity. Although Xiaojing told me afterwards that it felt great, I could only force a smile. The first time it only lasted less than five minutes, and the second time I barely managed ten. This performance was more humiliating than failing a course (I later checked online and found out my score was actually quite good).

The next morning, having lost our virginity, we left the hotel with a mix of bittersweet nostalgia and the bliss of our shared experience. Thankfully, I didn't have class that day. I felt groggy all day, severely exhausted and with a sore back and knees, but I couldn't fall asleep. Xiaojing was also awake, calling me with her eyes closed. Couple SIM cards are such a rip-off! Why isn't there free calls between SIM cards? This seriously violates the mobile carrier's consistently unethical practices.

From then on, my relationship with Xiaojing underwent a subtle change. Xiaojing became more demanding of me, not only regarding my studies but also my personal hygiene and the time we spent together. We would occasionally go back to that hotel, requesting the same room. Unlike other classmates, we didn't rent an apartment together. We were both quite in sync about this; girls are often shy and afraid their classmates would find out about our relationship. But what was I afraid of? I still don't understand. Anyway, an occasional passionate encounter is much more exciting than being together every day.

Xiaojing started dressing the way I liked, but never wore heavy makeup; she knew I didn't. Her waist became so thin it was almost as thick as my thigh, and she kept saying she wanted to lose weight. Later, I was afraid she'd develop anorexia, so I forced her to eat, and that improved somewhat. I could also feel her growing attachment to me.

As graduation approached, Xiaojing and I kept avoiding that sensitive issue: we lived in different cities, thousands of miles apart, and how to be together was indeed a difficult question for us. But problems always arise, and even if we avoided them, they eventually had to be solved. One evening in the second semester of our senior year, Xiaojing and I returned to the hotel room where we first met. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, which made me feel a little heartbroken. Then, for the entire night, we went almost crazy. An ominous premonition made me desperately vent, afraid to think about it.

This time, Xiaojing screamed and yelled wildly, losing her usual quietness and reserve. Until we were exhausted, Xiaojing nestled against my chest, silent for a long time before breaking the silence: "I'm going back soon. My family has found me a job." "Really? That's great." I really didn't know whether to congratulate her or comfort her. "Would you like to go to Wuxi? If you go, I'll ask my dad to arrange a job for you." 'I will never be a kept man,' I gave myself a high-sounding reason.

But I knew in my heart that my parents would never allow me to leave their side, and could I really leave them? I tried to remain calm: "Can you stay? Let's take the postgraduate entrance exam together." "And after we finish graduate school?" "..." I knew I couldn't persuade her to stay, just as she couldn't persuade me to leave.

That day was the last time we went to that familiar room. After that, Xiaojing never called or texted me again, deliberately avoiding me. We didn't even meet in person. I never imagined I had hurt her so deeply. Graduation day arrived quickly, and classmates began their journeys home. I watched her leave from the flowerbed not far from her dormitory, seeing her looking around with hopeful eyes. Several times I wanted to rush over and stop her, but I knew it was impossible. I didn't even have the courage to go and say goodbye.

Watching her receding figure, I realized how important and reluctant I was to leave everything I had. From then on, I might never see my Xiaojing again. I returned to the dormitory with heavy steps. My roommate, unusually serious, asked, "Xiaojing is gone?" I nodded. "Did you see her off?" "No," I replied, my heart heavy. "The letter she gave you." Seeing my questioning look, my roommate added, "She gave it to me the day before yesterday, telling me to give it to you after she left." I opened the letter. It contained only two sentences—"I gave you everything I could, but you only gave me an unfulfilled promise. Did

you ever really love me?" The weather outside didn't drizzle like in the dramas; the blazing sun scorched my fragile heart, while my mood was clouded with gloom. If I hadn't taken her virginity, perhaps I would feel better now.

Postscript: Four years have passed. Xiaojing has never contacted me again. She deleted all contact information related to us: phone and QQ. After working for two years, I returned to my alma mater to pursue a master's degree. Looking at the familiar yet unfamiliar campus, I was filled with emotion. The person I once knew was gone, but I could still see their figures leaning on each other on the paths I used to walk.

A year ago, I met my current girlfriend, my junior, a freshman master's student in software engineering. She's four years younger than me, with a fair complexion somewhat resembling Xiao Jing's, and even their figures are similar—both are heartbreakingly thin. Walking with her on the street felt strangely familiar, even though it was a past I didn't want to recall. I knew Xiao Jing had left an indelible mark on my heart. The only difference was that her home was less than ten kilometers from mine.

So many years have passed, and I thought I had forgotten the pain. But a few days ago, a message from an unknown number on QQ, adding me as a friend, shattered the sealed memories, even though I was invisible. I initially wanted to turn it off, but the message left me speechless: "I'm getting married tomorrow, Jing." I frantically added her as a friend, desperately trying to talk to her, but there was no response. It was just a temporary number she had created just to send this one message. But what comforted me was that she still kept my only means of contact.

That night, my heart was breaking. I could almost feel Xiaojing's despair four years ago when she left, and the pain she felt leaving that letter. And all I left her was pain.

To console my conscience, which hasn't died yet, I decided to write this article, and also to express my longing and apology to Xiaojing, even though she may never see it. I wanted to write something lighthearted, but the part about our breakup left me feeling quite down. I hope you'll forgive me.

Finally, I want to give you all some advice: if a virgin loves you deeply, and you still care about her, especially if she's willing to give herself to you, don't break her virginity unless you're sure you can be with her. A moment of pleasure might leave you and her with indelible regret and remorse. Before I knew it, tears were silently streaming down my face.

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