fire, fire, fire

1.

My name is Gao Jian, and I live in a coastal city in eastern China.

After retiring from the fire brigade, I started getting up very early every day. At first, my wife accompanied me, but she
works at the provincial credit union as a director in the payment and settlement department. She often doesn't get home until late at night and
is no longer able to get up early to take care of me. So my mother used her connections to apply for early retirement at her workplace and moved into our home.

This day, it was only a little past 5 a.m. when I woke up from a nightmare filled with thick smoke. Over the years, I've gradually gotten
used to it. To avoid waking my wife, I try not to make a sound, quietly getting out of bed and going to the living room. My mother is
sitting on the sofa, gently saying to me, "I've boiled some water for you in the kitchen."

I said, "Mom, you don't need to do that, I'm fine, you go back to sleep."

Mom shook her head: "Have you forgotten? When you were taking the college entrance exam, I also got up at 5 a.m. every day to make you
a hot breakfast."

I couldn't help but smile bitterly, because I knew that Mom's feigned ease was just a cover-up.

Suddenly, I heard a strange noise from the kitchen. I walked over step by step. The sky outside the window was just beginning to lighten, and the faint morning
light cast a blurry shadow on the kitchen floor. My heart pounded. I went into the kitchen and saw
my cousin, wearing his training clothes, holding a bowl and shoveling rice into his mouth. He grinned at me, revealing a set of
bright white teeth: "Cousin, I'm getting discharged in three months! Finally, I'm discharged!"

Suddenly, a loud "bang" erupted, engulfing him in flames. "Cousin, save me!"

My cousin's piercing cry seemed to explode in my ears. I screamed and lunged at his outstretched hand
, then fell heavily to the ground. The fire was gone.

I burst into tears again, sobbing uncontrollably.

Hearing the noise, Mom rushed over and hugged me tightly, tears streaming down her face as she repeatedly comforted me,
"Son, it's all over, it's all over..."

I never imagined that, at over thirty, I would still find solace in my mother's embrace
.

I knew I suffered from PTSD and moderate depression, and Mom wouldn't let me go out alone.
I said, "Mom, can you come with me there for a while longer?"

Mom hesitated for a moment before nodding.

Guangyuan Shopping Mall, the place where my soul perished.

It wasn't even 6 o'clock yet, and there weren't many pedestrians around. Mom and I found a
spot to sit down in the mall. An elderly man was also sitting there today; his grandson hadn't
survived from that building six months ago either.

I went to him and said, "I'm sorry," sorry that I hadn't been able to save his grandson.

Every time we met, I would say the same thing to him. This time, he didn't say anything like "You didn't do anything wrong to me."
He just sighed, and I guessed he was lamenting my current terrible state.

Although more than six months have passed, the charred exterior of the building still tells every passerby
how terrible the fire that once took place here was.

At that time, I was the captain of the Second Fire Brigade of Fengcheng District, with 20 brothers under my command, including my
cousin Hou Junfei, my aunt's only son.

On May 23, 2016, the day of the shopping mall fire, when the security personnel discovered that the fire escape route , which was blocked by goods
, was on fire, they were busy fighting the fire and underestimated the situation, so they did not call the fire department immediately. The fire spread rapidly and became uncontrollable
, so everyone fled. It was only after a delivery driver arrived at the shopping mall and saw the fire that he called the fire department with his mobile phone.

Our Second Fire Brigade was closest to the fire scene and was the first to arrive. I immediately organized my brothers to cooperate with the security guards to go deep
into the fire scene, and we evacuated nearly 100 people. But the fire didn't stop spreading.
Flames appeared on the 10th, 12th, and 13th floors of the shopping mall . After the duty officer arrived, he deployed the Second Squadron to set up a defensive
line on the 15th floor to prevent the fire from spreading to the upper floors of the hotel. That day, the Second Squadron had only one task: to hold
the 15th floor.

If that were all, my brothers would all be safe now. But my "impulse" cost them
their lives.

An hour and a half after the fire started, floors 1 to 14 were engulfed in flames, smoke filled the entire shopping mall,
the fire was extremely fierce, and there were continuous explosions. The huge explosions made me think the whole building would collapse several times.
Several rescue teams composed of Special Operations Team 1 and Special Operations Team 2 were blocked on the 12th floor and could not go up another floor. So I
volunteered to ask the officer to form a rescue team to rescue the people trapped on the 13th floor.

Hou Junfei was the first to step forward. Perhaps the fire had blinded me, I agreed. Six brothers, including him
, rushed towards the raging fire on the 13th floor under the cover of only one water cannon. I, however,
was left on the 15th floor by my superior, who claimed he was to command the operation.

To this day, I don't know what happened on the 13th floor that day. I dare not look at the post-fire report, and my relatives
dare not tell me. I only know that none of my six brothers returned. I only saw their charred bodies. At that
moment, I completely collapsed. I should have been the one lying there.

Later, the six men were posthumously honored as martyrs, and I was hailed as a firefighting hero.

I didn't attend the ceremony. A few days later, I saw a psychologist because of mental confusion and was diagnosed with
post-traumatic stress disorder. My family quickly helped me get sick leave, but less than a month later, I saw
a psychologist again and was diagnosed with moderate depression and undifferentiated schizophrenia.

From then on, I never slept well again.

I can't stand fire; wherever I go, the thick smoke blobs up the sky, making it hard to breathe.

I can't leave the house; no matter where I go, I always end up here in the Guangyuan Shopping Mall.

I want to die; I sent them here, I killed them, I should repay them with my life.

Every time I recall the past here, it feels like needles are piercing my heart. This numb life forces me to
come here; I want to remember this place forever, remember everything.

The old man patted my shoulder: "Young man, don't forget, you saved the 15th floor and everyone above;
you are a hero."

I nodded, got up, and walked home with my mother.

Since being diagnosed with depression, I've been spending more time at home.

Because Mom was terrified by the various stories of suicides due to depression that the neighbors told her. Stories of depressed patients
walking with their families in the street, suddenly running into the middle of the road and being hit by a car; stories of depressed patients in taxis
stuck on an overpass, suddenly opening the door and jumping off to their deaths.
All sorts of bizarre tales. Mom only dared to take me for walks in the neighborhood, to talk to me, and she loved to tell me stories from my childhood.

All the knives in the house were locked in the cupboard, the keys hidden somewhere I didn't know. She wouldn't
let me into the kitchen when she was cooking, because there was a fire on the stove.

Actually, what I feared most was seeing my aunt. Although she had never blamed me, I was afraid to see her.
So Mom and my aunt agreed to wait until I got better before talking about it.

Mom has never been careless about her son's affairs, taking care of everything perfectly.

But when will I get better?

At eight o'clock in the evening, my wife Qin Lu returned home from work. She put down her bag, hung her coat on the rack,
and asked me with a smile, "What did Mom cook today?"

Mom had already gone into the kitchen when she heard the door open and came out with a bowl of reheated food, saying,
"I have your favorite stir-fried pork."

Qin Lu is from Hunan, and stir-fried pork is a very common and characteristic dish in Hunan.
She started learning to cook it after Mom moved in, and now she makes it quite authentically.

Qin Lu sat down at the table and said, "Mom, this dish is better than our family chef's!" My wife
was referring to her father, a chef who had come to Fengcheng to stay with me for two weeks after the fire.

I sat opposite my wife, watching her forced smile despite her obvious exhaustion, and my
heart ached.

Qin Lu had truly suffered; she was the belle of the provincial credit union, the most beautiful sight in the industry. Time had
n't left many marks on her face, but after that, she rarely bothered with dressing up anymore, gradually starting to
go out without makeup. In the past six months, she seemed to have aged a year or two. Even so, when I looked closely at my wife's face,
she actually appeared more mature, her beautiful face possessing a unique charm of maturity.

I asked her, "How's work?"

Qin Lu pouted and said, "Still the same. Ever since the bank started doing e-commerce, I haven't had a moment's rest."

I said, "Why are your bosses in such a hurry?"

"How can they not be?" Qin Lu said, "The Big Four banks have all started doing internet banking, and our little bank
doesn't even have mobile banking."

Qin Lu complained again, "Mainly because the central bank has so many problems, it makes me wish I had three heads and six arms."

After chatting with my wife about some work-related trivialities, Qin Lu seemed to feel it wasn't appropriate to vent so much to me, and
changed the subject, saying, "Has Qingqing finished her homework?"

I said, "No, she's still doing it in her room."

Qin Lu said, "Go check if she's slacking off."

I got up and went into Qingqing's room, and saw her little head resting on the table. I went closer and saw that she was
asleep, her snot wetting her homework. I lovingly stroked her hair, and from that day on,
I never scolded her again. Her presence will always warm my heart. I gently picked her up and
placed her on the bed, covering her with a blanket. Before, while in the army, I never had time to spend with her; now it was
time to make up for it.

Leaving the room, I told my wife that Qingqing was asleep.

Qin Lu mumbled a few words and then stopped, pulling me to the sofa to watch TV with her. This is my
usual evening routine now. Actually, whether it's a family drama or a teen idol drama,
I can't get into it. I'm just obeying the new life my mother and wife have arranged for me, just like obeying my superiors in the army
.

Those unseen smokes, those unseen fires, kept churning and burning in my mind.

It was late at night, and my wife and I returned to the bedroom to sleep. Suddenly, my wife hugged me tightly, her chin
resting on my shoulder, her warm breath tickling my ear.

"Jian, I'll always be by your side," Qin Lu said.

I wrapped my arms around her waist. "I know, go to sleep."

I carried her to the bed, and Qin Lu, her head resting on my arm, said, "Just stay like this, okay?"

I smiled and said, "Okay." I turned off the bedside lamp.

She was really exhausted and fell asleep soon after.

I don't fall asleep so easily. I couldn't stop thinking about things. The doctor told me not to think about them, but I didn't
listen. I didn't dare not think about them. I

don't know how much time passed as I thought. My wife turned over in my arms, and just
when I thought I could pull my arm away, she turned back and pressed herself even closer to me. My wife's pajamas were very thin, and she
never wore a bra to bed. At that moment, her firm breasts were pressed against my chest, and I could clearly feel their protrusion.

Come to think of it, I haven't been intimate with my wife since that day.

I think it's because I don't have the desire, but I also wondered if I was impotent. But now, I don't
have the mind to think about these things.

The next day was the weekend, and Qin Lu went to work overtime, leaving only my mom, Qingqing, and me at home. However, around noon,
my dad, who had just returned from a business trip, came over immediately.

After lunch, he dragged me to play chess, which was a must-do for me on weekends. At first, I
was no match for Dad, but over the months, my skills gradually improved, and I could hold my own against him. After finishing
her chores, Mom would occasionally watch the game, but most of the time she would sit on the sofa, turn on the TV,
and knit a sweater while watching. She used to knit mostly for Qingqing, but now she knits me a sweater, then a scarf,
and then another sweater.

After playing a few rounds, Dad said to me, "You need to keep an eye on your daughter. If she keeps spending so much time online, her eyes will be ruined."

I nodded and went into the study. Qingqing's hands were typing rapidly on the keyboard. I saw she was playing this game
and said, "Qingqing, stop playing and take a break."

Qingqing said softly, "Dad, I'll play a little longer, just a little longer."

I couldn't be forceful, so I sat down next to her and said, "It's a promise, just a little longer."

Qingqing leaned on my arm and said with a grin, "I'll be good."

I stared at the screen, completely clueless about what she was playing. Growing up, I was raised with strict discipline and rarely touched
a computer. Later, I spent most of my life in the military, with no opportunity to use one. Now, aside from filling out
forms and writing reports online, I'm utterly clueless about computers. Perhaps I should learn.

After watching Qingqing play for another half hour, Dad came over and called out, "Qingqing, stop playing!" Startled, Qingqing
immediately dropped the keyboard and ran out.

In the past, Dad would have scolded me for spoiling her, but this time he didn't say anything, just asked, "Want to play
a few more rounds?" I said, "I need a break, my brain's a little foggy."

I sat down at the computer, opened a webpage, and searched for Guangyuan Building, but faced with the readily available fire reports
, I hesitated again.

I closed the webpage, remembered a QQ account I'd registered before, and barely remembered the password, so I logged in
.

Many avatars popped up in the lower right corner; I clicked on them one by one, many of them messages from many years ago. But one
message was the latest. His screen name was "Two Kings and Four Twos." "Old classmate, I can't believe you're online! Gao Jian,
is that you?"

I asked him, "Who are you?"

He replied, "It's Luo Fan."

Immediately, a series of chubby figures flashed through my mind; he was my high school classmate.

He then asked, "I heard about what happened to you. How are you doing?"

I replied, "I'm fine."

"We all really want to meet you, our hero. Are you coming to the class reunion next week?"

I said, "We'll see."

After chatting for a few more minutes, we added each other on WeChat. I said I'd wait for his specific arrangements, but I didn't promise to definitely
go. Afterward, I browsed through my friend list. I rarely use QQ, and I
don't have any friend nicknames. I can't remember anyone on my list now.

I opened my browser, found the Sina Weibo entry on the homepage, and browsed the news for a while.

In the days that followed, I found a new thing to do: kill time online. During the day, my wife
goes to work, and Qingqing goes to school, leaving only my mother and me at home. I sit in front of the computer and
browse the internet aimlessly.

There are often revealing pictures of women on websites, and sometimes I can't resist clicking on them. Most of them lead to
game logins, making me feel cheated. But this time, I opened a small website, and after clicking on a picture,
I was redirected to a site full of obscene videos.

A question suddenly occurred to me: am I really impotent?

With an experimental mindset, after making sure the study door was closed, I clicked on one of the videos. The content
was very direct: it started with a woman posing provocatively, and then several men wearing only underwear were lurking around
, seemingly wanting to have sex. After a few minutes, the men started using props to tease the woman.

I watched for a while without any sexual arousal. Could I really be impotent?

I clicked on another one, but the content was the same, just a different scene and a different female lead. I lost interest
and clicked on several more, all of which left me extremely disappointed. I was about to close the webpage,
but a slight sense of unease made me notice a
video on the cover with the Japanese words "housewife" in it, which seemed different from the others.

I clicked on it, and sure enough, it started with a woman in normal clothes walking down the street. The footage
was edited, and there was background music, suggesting a storyline. I fast-forwarded through it and found the plot was actually quite simple:
after the housewife was raped by an escaped convict, it was a series of sexual encounters. But when I saw a
beautiful housewife slowly succumbing to the rapist's repeated abuse, and finally actively performing oral sex on him,
I got an erection.

Just wanting to prove I wasn't impotent, I closed the webpage after that.

That night, when my wife and I returned to our room to sleep, looking at my beautiful wife in her pajamas, I
thought it was time to release the lust I'd been burning during the day. I pounced on Qin Lu on the bed, and "Ah!" she gasped
, quickly covering her mouth with her hand.

I looked into her eyes and gently removed her hand from her mouth. My action made her face flush quickly
. I wanted to laugh inwardly; I hadn't expected that even after all this time, she would still be shy. But this was exactly
the Qin Lu I loved most.

Looking at her flushed face, my hand moved down, unbuttoning her pajamas one by one, and then caressing
her firm breasts—my favorite spot.

"Mmm..." my wife moaned softly, wrapping her arms around her neck.

Having watched porn all afternoon, I was practically bursting with pent-up desire; my lower body was so aroused I felt like it was going to explode. I had no
interest in flirting with my wife anymore and went straight to taking off her pants.

I pulled her pants down all the way, and Qin Lu said, "Slow down."

My gaze was fixed on my wife's white panties. After pulling her pants down, I reached out to
take off her underwear.

"Cousin, can you ask your wife to introduce me to a girlfriend who works at a bank?"

This voice suddenly rang in my ears, and I felt like I'd been struck by lightning, unable to move.

Qin Lu lifted her leg and asked me, puzzled, "What's wrong?"

I looked at my wife; her flushed face was like a small flame, suddenly burning brighter and brighter. I forced
out a few words through my teeth: "I'm fine."

Soon I heard another voice: "Captain, it's so cold down there, why are you still having fun up there
?"

I collapsed onto the bed, tears streaming down my face.

This wasn't the first time Qin Lu had seen me suddenly have a seizure; she knew what had happened and kept comforting me:
"Honey, I'm here..." I

had made my wife worry again.

It seems I'm destined to let down everyone around me for the rest of my life.

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