tricking his wife into bed

"The teacher's here, sit down!" My deskmate, Zhang Yaohan, whispered to me.

"Okay!" I replied impatiently. I was having a great time talking with my wife, Yu, and being interrupted by him and that annoying old-fashioned Chinese literature teacher really annoyed me. Damn it, who are you to tell me what to do? Of course, this was just what I was thinking; I couldn't say it out loud. At least on the surface, I'm a good student who does well academically, just occasionally a bit emotional.

Before I returned to my seat, I quickly kissed my wife's soft cheek. Yu was startled, and her face flushed red. "Go away!" Yu poked me under the table with her finger, then quickly lowered her head and ignored me.

I love seeing Yu shy, but I didn't have time to appreciate it now, because that old-fashioned Chinese literature teacher had already entered the classroom. I returned to my seat dejectedly. Another boring class was about to begin. Ugh! Damn

it! Lin Beile! Another Three Kingdoms lesson! This isn't a history class. Even in history class, they shouldn't be rambling on about the Wei, Shu, and Wu rivalries! A teacher like that should have been fired long ago! Whatever, let him talk, I'll just sleep. I finally managed to get through the class in a daze. The bell ringing for the end of class was so beautiful. Even heavenly music couldn't compare.

"Lazybones, school's out!" Yu tugged at my ear, lifting my head from my desk, and said sweetly in my ear. Damn! What is all this nonsense? Anyway, I just love the way my wife calls me, although I can't stand being called "pighead." After all, I consider myself dashing, tall, and handsome—a rare beauty, even though I'm only 1.65 meters tall and my face is only a few times uglier than Jiu Kong's. But a man with my style will always be popular. Add to that my irresistible smile, hahaha, I am truly the most handsome man in the world!

After a hypocritical farewell to my classmates, I left school with two backpacks on my back, holding Yu's hand, feigning bliss in a ridiculously irritating manner. Why the hypocrisy? Anyone who's been to school knows perfectly well; no further explanation is needed. Why the feigned bliss? It's simple: I still haven't managed to get my wife into bed. And what is my irritating manner? Those who know me know I love to brag about how many safe (meaning, with raincoats) home runs my wife and I have had. My proof is my intimate behavior towards my wife at school. Thus, Yu and I's inseparable bond on campus has become the most dazzling sight in the history of our school.

Yu's full name is Hu Yushan (also known as Hu Yusan – just kidding – don't hit me, wife!). When she was born, it was constantly drizzling. Her mother believed it was because the Dragon Mother, living in the deep sea, couldn't bear to see her beloved daughter reincarnate into the human world. So, the Dragon Mother bid farewell to her daughter with tears and blessed her to be reborn into a good family. A good family? Taiwan is in chaos! Anyway, Yu Shan's name contains the character "Yu" (雨); her parents call her Yu'er (雨儿). I think calling her Yu'er is too sweet, so I shorten it to Yu, though it's a bit too masculine. Anyone who hasn't seen her will definitely think I have homosexual tendencies when I call her name in that lecherous, gentle way.

Pursuing Yu isn't easy, you know. In our school's top ten list of school beauties and dinosaurs, Yu, whom I'm proud of, is ranked 11th, although I'm not sure if it's 11th for school beauties or 11th for dinosaurs. Anyway, her ranking is quite high. Why think so much! I love her. I like her. I want to sleep with her. Isn't that enough reason?!

I still remember that it was like a very distant past, yes, about a year and a half ago, that I started bringing a bouquet of roses that the florist next to my house had thrown in the trash the night before, and a box of chocolates that my sister had bought and then repackaged. Within a month, bombarded with flowers, chocolates, and sweet words, I finally opened Yu's heart. She slowly began to accept my declaration of love.

That month, it was truly the talk of the school; everyone knew about it. From teacher talks to parents coming to school, to being "imprisoned" by my parents, after a whole month of agonizing torment, we finally overcame all obstacles and established a romantic relationship between Yu and me. At that time, I felt I had the ability and qualifications to run for president of Taiwan when I grew up. Compared to Little Bush and Chen Shui-bian... Hmph, I think I'm much more cunning than them. Haha. Sorry, I digress. However, if I were to actually run for president in the future, please support me! First of all, thank you. By the way, let me add that my surname is Yang, my given name is Yifei, and

my courtesy name is Zihao. Yang Yifei, Yang Zihao is just my humble self. In my year-and-a-half-long, marathon-like relationship with Yu, our feelings for each other have grown stronger every day. Now we are inseparable. For me, the only regret is that we haven't slept together yet, haven't tasted the forbidden fruit. I think the forbidden fruit must taste delicious. Otherwise, why do my parents like fried rice so much? Otherwise, why is Taiwan's pornography culture becoming more and more like Japan's? Otherwise, why is yellow and blue culture so popular all over the world? It must be because the forbidden fruit is so delicious that it's addictive! No, I must sleep with my wife and taste that forbidden fruit that drives people crazy and makes them willing to commit crimes. I'll even lie to my wife to sleep with me!

"Yu, my parents are away on a business trip this Saturday, and my deadbeat older sister is often out and about." I said to Yu gently, with a tentative tone.

"Fine, you lazybones! You can finally be free for once!" Yu replied casually, completely unconcerned.

On the way home from school, Yu was usually more interested in kicking pebbles than talking to me. She claimed she was preparing to join the Taiwan women's soccer team. Interrupting her from kicking pebbles was interfering with the future of the Taiwan women's soccer team. How absurd! However, she was more interested in talking to me on the way to school every day. She said that by the time she got to school, she would be mostly awake. Good heavens! What does she take me for? Anyway, I still love her, I love her very, very much. She loves me just as much. I'm satisfied.

One plan failed, so I devised another.

"Yu, I'm scared." I said, feigning a frightened expression.

"Scared of what?" Yu looked up, pursed her lips, and glanced at me sideways. "Scared of the dark? Scared of living alone? Scared of being raped?"

I continued to look at Yu with a pleading expression.

"Come stay with me, Yu. I'm so scared. Please, Yu, stay with me." I pleaded, holding Yu's soft, boneless hand. I knew that when I needed Yu's help, I should try to avoid using force. That way, I could show my chivalrous spirit as a man.

"Wait a minute, I'll tell your parents. Anyway, we live so close, don't worry!" I continued my soft and persistent offensive.

Yu turned to face me and said, word by word, "What are you plotting, Fei? Don't think I don't know."

I looked directly into Yu's beautiful eyes. So beautiful! I was so intoxicated. I wanted to take Yu right there in the street. Why can dogs do what they want in the street, but two 18- or 19-year-old adults can't show their love in the street? What kind of world is this? Even such a loving act of passion can't be expressed in the street?! The world is going to the dogs, and people's hearts are no longer what they used to be. How sad and lamentable.

Since being gentle didn't work, I'd try being forceful. A man's strength is always better!

"If you don't respond, I'll..." Before I could finish, I reached out and pulled Yu closer, bringing my lips to hers. I freed one hand to tickle her. As soon as this master swordsman, whose martial arts surpassed Lu Xiaofeng and whose lust surpassed Tian Boguang, adopted a "kill first, then rape" stance, I knew Yu would quickly surrender.

"You dare!" Yu pouted coquettishly.

Good heavens! Isn't this blatant provocation? Looking at her cheeks puffed up like a frog blowing up a balloon, and hearing her alluring moans, I, a first-rate swordsman, didn't hesitate to inflict my punishment on her right then and there.

She struggled; I resisted. Passersby glanced and shook their heads, our lips met; cars crashed on the road, we couldn't stop.

Alas! Although I was ready, I couldn't go all out; I could only let my boundless imagination roam freely in my incredibly powerful brain.

However, the kiss was spared, but the tickling was unavoidable.

Yu let out a series of melodious, trembling laughs. In such a public place, being groped by me in front of everyone, she was itchy, ashamed, and unable to escape; she could only beg for mercy.

"Haha. Okay, okay, I promise, I promise," Yu replied softly, a little out of breath.

Hahaha. I laughed wildly inside. As the saying goes, "A good beginning is half the battle." My scheme is halfway to success.

Wish me luck!

Actually, a week ago, when my parents told me they were going to Taipei on a business trip, I had already started making thorough preparations for my wife and me's first time.

Condoms, safety condoms, and raincoats—these three things are indispensable until my wife and I have legal and financial recognition. I don't want some little Yang Yifei to come along and ruin our sweet world of two so soon. Damn it. Later I found out that all three refer to the same thing! English is so much better; "condom" simply means "condom," without all those confusing interpretations. However, later in class, my English teacher mentioned that "rubber" also means "condom" in American English. What kind of school is this? The teachers just teach such irrelevant things. The mainland's education system is terrible, and Taiwan's isn't much worse.

7-Eleven. These 24-hour convenience stores are incredibly convenient. In my humble opinion, this is the second best invention since the betel nut girl sold betel nuts naked. It's truly beneficial.

Learning is a boundless sea, requiring diligent study; 24/7.

I often buy late-night snacks at the 7-Eleven near my house. However, if I want to buy condoms, I think I should go to a store a bit further away. I don't want that lovely clerk to tell my parents and neighbors about my condom purchase. If they knew I was doing something so outrageous, they'd skin me alive. What's worse, they intentionally or unintentionally suppress my sexual urges (I was going to say my sexual orientation!), while simultaneously demanding I give them a fat grandson to hold. What do they take me for? An androgynous being? Besides, are grandsons just for holding? They're for them to raise with their money!

I rode my sister's worn-out motorcycle to a 7-Eleven further from my house. Usually, the clerks at these stores are just some greenhorn kids. This store was different. The clerk behind the cashier looked to be at least 30 years old, and he had a shrewd and capable appearance. He smiled at me as I entered. That forced smile sent chills down my spine. "Could I have stumbled into a super-sized 100-yen convenience store from a horror novel?" I wondered, a chill creeping over me. Never mind that. I'll buy the tools of my crime first.

Most people are embarrassed to buy condoms, so they usually buy other things along with them, and they're always discreet. But I'm perfectly aboveboard. While my wife and I may not have a strong legal basis for sleeping together, we have a strong moral compass. Love, indeed! In this society where there's neither justice nor law, my wife and I are exemplary citizens who uphold moral standards.

I quickly walked to the counter. I remember condoms are usually placed next to the cashier, as if the shopkeeper wants people to know they sell them. I've seen them before, but never this closely. Good heavens! What the hell?! Even motorcycle condoms come in so many varieties. There are 3-packs; 12-packs; strawberry flavor; different sizes; ultra-thin; some with barbs; some that make sounds; and different brands. I was completely dumbfounded, my mouth watering. Turns out, there's a whole lot to know about condoms. I fantasized about becoming a condom expert someday—that would be so cool!

I wanted to buy and try them all, but alas, I was short on cash and had to choose only one. I half-squatted, staring blankly at the dazzling array of condoms before me. The handsome men and beautiful women on the condoms, along with their prominent bulges and breasts, seemed to stare back at me indifferently. Comparison is the thief of joy. Today I finally understood what "feeling inferior because of one's own appearance" meant.

I silently picked out a box of 3 small regular condoms. I'm no better than anyone else; others might not know, but I know myself. At least, I chose the cheapest box. On that point, I'm somewhat proud. Everyone has their own talents. Mr. Li really hit the nail on the head.

Holding the condoms, I walked up to the clerk with a nonchalant, confident smile.

"Boss, another box of Marlboro!" I tossed the box of condoms onto the counter with an air of importance. I don't smoke, but I needed a pack of cigarettes to bolster my courage and hide my inner weakness in front of this clerk.

"ID?" The clerk didn't even glance at the box of condoms, answering with a fake smile and indifferent tone.

Out of the corner of his eye, I could see a hint of mockery in his eyes. Damn it. I don't tolerate any nonsense. What haven't I seen?

I coughed awkwardly and said, "I forgot to bring it." Then, I lowered my head, nervously pushed the condom aside, and whispered, "I'll buy this."

The guy glanced at it, then with an air of complete dominance, expertly scanned it, bagged it, and reached for the money. I hurriedly found my wallet, tossed out the exact amount of NT dollars, grabbed the condom, and, head down and tail between my legs, scurried out of the convenience store. I could feel the undisguised mocking gaze behind me. I was defeated! In just one encounter, I was completely defeated by this guy. It's all because my skills are lacking. Shame on me.

The streetlights outside were just coming on, and a gentle breeze was blowing. The cool breeze helped me clear my head a bit. I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to buy another tool for my crime—sleeping pills.

If I wanted to sleep with my wife, I could force myself on her, or I could gently seduce her, or I could even drug her and sleep with her. Subduing the enemy without fighting is the best strategy. I told myself to be gentle with my wife and never use force. So, I chose to seduce her. But just to be safe, besides Plan A, I also had Plan B. If seduction failed, I would sleep with my wife and carry out the sleep-rape plan. I watched myself gradually transform from a complete lecher to a half-lecher to a completely non-lecherous man, and I felt secretly proud. I, Yang Yifei, am truly a saint among men.

So why buy sleeping pills instead of aphrodisiacs or ecstasy? Sleeping pills are simple, practical, cheap, and easy to find. Aphrodisiacs are too expensive; drugs are harmful. I love my wife very much. I would never use such low-class stuff on my dear wife. Using sleeping pills is a high-level, top-tier method. Why not use it?

Thinking it is worthwhile. I did it. Brother, I'm back! Turning around, I strode back into the store.

"Give me a box of sleeping pills," I said firmly, looking directly into my brother's eyes.

The man looked me up and down, a look of surprise in his eyes. Without saying a word, he turned and took a box of sleeping pills from the shelf behind him.

I, who had been so confident, was stunned when I saw the price. Damn! Sleeping pills can be this expensive!

Seeing my awkward hesitation, and remembering that I had just bought condoms, the man seemed to understand my intentions.

He bent down and pulled another box of sleeping pills from under the counter.

"These are made in Taiwan. They can't compare to the Western ones, but they're much cheaper," he said with an air of knowing everything.

My eyes lit up, and I grabbed the pills with lightning speed, as if I were afraid they'd grow legs and run away.

"Any side effects?" I asked hesitantly, though secretly pleased.

"No side effects. It just takes a while to work," the man replied with a half-smile. As if reading my mind, he added, "Guaranteed to sleep through the night."

How clever. He didn't say "guarantee you or her to sleep through the night," only vaguely stating "guarantee to sleep through the night." In other words, if things came to light, he could completely deny everything, leaving me no chance to drag him down with me. Good! I love this kind of honest, unscrupulous merchant! It's a great blessing for Taiwan to have someone like this doing business. As for my friends wanting to know which brand of sleeping pills it is, sorry, I still need to apply for a patent.

Everything is ready, just waiting for the right opportunity!

I took Yu's hand and went back to her house. My future in-laws already treated me like half a son. Hearing my unreasonable plea, they agreed without hesitation. They were quick to sell their daughter, as if they were afraid Yu wouldn't be able to find a husband. They weren't afraid I would illegally abduct Yu right then and there. Yu saw that there was no way to go against the situation, and she was too shy to object. I knew that Yu was actually happy inside. But in front of her parents, it was better to act like a lady. Image is important!

Time flies! In the blink of an eye, the weekend was here. My grand plan to trick my wife into bed was nearing completion.

On Saturday morning, after seeing off my parents who gave me countless instructions as if they were saying goodbye, I slowly walked to Yu's house. I could have gone in the evening, but my wretched older sister has gone off somewhere again, leaving me to figure out my own lunch. Since my in-laws live nearby, why not take advantage of picking up Yu and freeload there? Great! The idea was made up, time to act. Actually, I'd thought of this before, but hadn't come up with a good excuse. Anyway, it's my in-laws' food, might as well eat it. People say, "A grandson is like a dog, he leaves after eating." I say, "A son-in-law is like a dog, he leaves after eating too."

After a satisfying meal, I took Yu's little hand and said goodbye to my in-laws. On the way, looking at Yu's innocent face, thinking that tonight I could finally shed all her inhibitions and have a naked encounter with her, I felt both excited and nervous. We arrived at my now empty house in silence. A little emptiness is good, perfect for Yu and me to do our indescribably wonderful illicit affair at night.

That afternoon, Yu and I first sang karaoke like banshees in the living room, until the neighbors almost came in to kill us. Tired of singing, Yu and I watched two pirated movies. Brother Xian's movies were funny, but so bad they were utterly unrefined. Brother Xian, please don't sue me! I know I was wrong. Even if the movies are bad, you don't have to make things difficult for a little kid like me!

After a whole afternoon of this, night fell. Don't think I'm brainless. Everything I do is carefully considered! Although that damned old Chinese teacher hinted that if I could think, pigs would fly. Chinese teachers are really something, even hinting at things without using vulgar language. But my Chinese is pretty good, I've never given him a chance to mess with me. Try to fight me? No way!

Singing karaoke was to relax Yu and lower her guard. Watching pirated movies by Brother Xian (a popular internet personality) was for three reasons: first, it saved money; second, it supported domestic industry, much like buying domestically produced sleeping pills; and third, Brother Xian was known for his risqué humor. Watching the dirty jokes and listening to the bawdy talk, Yu, amidst the hearty laughter, gained a greater acceptance and less fear of the word "sex." This laid a good foundation for my subsequent actions.

I went to great lengths for this night. From buying condoms and sleeping pills, preparing a movie karaoke session, to persuading Yu, to arranging a candlelight dinner just for the two of us, I meticulously prepared for our first time together. Men, after all, should do these things. Hehe. Don't praise me, don't praise me.

Yu stared wide-eyed at me bustling around in disbelief. One moment I was setting out two bright red candles with the character for "double happiness" on them; the next I was bringing out my dad's treasured wine; then I was bringing out the cooked food I bought nearby; then I was serving up the egg fried rice, scrambled eggs with tomatoes, and steaming hot egg drop soup that I had specially made myself.

Why are there eggs everywhere? First, it's the only thing I can cook with eggs, and second, it has special meaning. Fried rice with eggs—everyone knows what that means, I don't need to explain. Scrambled eggs with tomatoes represent that Yu and I will soon be as inseparable as tomatoes and eggs, blended together perfectly. Sorry, actually, I burned it. Egg drop soup—that's even more powerful. If Yu and I fail to consummate our marriage, it will represent our future relationship as distant and platonic as water. Sorry, actually, I forgot to add salt.

"Yu, do you like it?" I gazed at Yu quietly through the candlelight and whispered. Actually, I wanted to ask Yu if she felt it was romantic. But that would be too direct, not suitable for a passionate man like me to say directly.

Yu closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Fei, I'm so happy!" Yu slowly opened her eyes and said softly. "Since the month you pursued me, we've never been this romantic."

What's going on? I just thought she was moved by me and was going to offer herself to me. To my surprise, she suddenly changed the subject and started criticizing me. My good intentions were completely wasted. Like a dog biting Lü Dongbin, ungrateful for my kindness.

"Whatever makes you happy," I said softly, suppressing

my dissatisfaction. "I'll definitely make it more romantic next time," I said insincerely, without any thought.

Yu slowly talked about our future, her wishes, and my dreams. I went along with it half-heartedly. My mind was actually preoccupied with what was about to happen. The meal passed slowly in Yu's whispers, my mind elsewhere.

The warm and romantic candlelight dinner was finally coming to an end.

"Yu, I'll get you a glass of orange juice," I said to Yu as dinner was ending. I knew Yu had a habit of drinking orange juice after meals.

Yu gave me a sweet smile. Her smile was so delicate and lovely. I couldn't help but stare, mesmerized. Seeing my infatuation, Yu smiled even more happily. She liked me. She especially liked the way I looked at her with such affection.

I was infatuated with her, crazy for her; what did it matter if we went through thick and thin, I silently told myself.

I walked into the kitchen with eyes full of love. I opened the refrigerator, took out orange juice, and poured a full glass for Yu. I took out the sleeping pills I had already prepared, ground into powder, from my pocket. My original plan was to add the whole dose. But my heart felt heavy. I changed my mind and only added half a dose.

Why did I decide to use sleeping pills? Because I was afraid! I was afraid Yu wouldn't agree. I was afraid I would end up hurting her by force. I also knew that, in fact, if she didn't want to, whatever I did would hurt her, hurt her heart. My sudden decision to only add half a dose was perhaps a pang of conscience, a desire to stop there. But I had no way out. Tricking my wife into bed was my only remaining option.

Yu went to my older sister's room to wash and change. After showering in my parents' room, I went up to my room to wait for Yu. It was really unfair. My older sister's room has a bathroom and is spacious and bright—it's so much better than my cramped little world. Being the second child in the family is really uncomfortable. My parents are so biased!

I waited for Yu while inwardly grumbling. Logically, my room wasn't bad. It had a TV, a computer, and even a mini-fridge—no less equipped than a typical hotel room. I think it was probably my anxiety about the unknown that made me want to vent. Still, I was quite excited. After all, it was my first time!

Girls are slow at getting ready! I was almost dozing off, leaning against the headboard.

*Knock, knock.* Two soft knocks, and my door opened. Yu stood in the doorway, wearing ankle-length pajamas embroidered with Winnie the Pooh, tilting her head to look at me.

I immediately sat up straight, all sleepiness gone. After knowing her for so long, this was the first time I'd seen Yu in just pajamas, and in such adorable pajamas at that. Although the pajamas were rather loose and childlike, they still accentuated Yu's newly developed body in a way that aroused all sorts of fantasies. The pajamas draped naturally along the curves of her body. My gaze, intentionally or unintentionally, fell upon the bulge on Yu's chest. The loose nightgown made the semi-circular protrusion less noticeable, but its hazy, indistinct beauty only amplified its allure.

I stared, my heart pounding, blood rushing to my head, a warm, metallic taste in my nose. I completely forgot the greatness of creation. I could feel the throbbing in my groin while my nose bled. I was going to die!

Yu paused, then quickly recovered, her face flushing with displeasure. She pouted and came over.

"You pervert!" Though she complained, she still grabbed some tissues from the bedside table and wiped away my nosebleed. A few drops of blood were also stained the sleeve of her nightgown. I still keep that nightgown that made my heart flutter, the one with the bloodstain on the right cuff from my first nosebleed with a woman. However, all I could smell now was the milky scent of Yu's hands, a mixture of shower gel and the unique fragrance of a young girl.

As my thoughts wandered, Yu playfully punched me with her small hands and pushed me to the other side of the bed. She sat down where I had just been sitting.

"Hey, you big pervert, didn't you say you bought a good movie? What are you staring at me for?" Yu started pinching my arm, scolding me in a sweet voice. "Do you think you're stupid? I'm not a movie,"

I groaned, snapping out of my daze. I knew I had Yu wrapped around my little finger today.

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