Perfect

This was supposed to be a lovely three-year anniversary, but it ended in another argument .
We should have spent a romantic evening together at a motel,
but all the effort I put into getting ready was wasted because of work.

I think I should be more mature, but I couldn't help but feel a little resentful.
The result was a three-day cold war, both of us sulking and not speaking.

I knew I was supposed to play the role of the caring girlfriend,
saying things like "It's okay, I'm fine, there will be other chances," and "There are many more anniversaries to come."
But what blurted out was, "How many times do you want to ignore me before you're satisfied?"—the kind of angry words I'd forget the next morning.

Whatever, three days is fine.
Although later I lowered my head and said "I'm sorry, I should be understanding,"
I knew something was slowly changing.

I can't say exactly what it was, but the only thing I'm sure of is that

we can't be like before.

—Strictly

speaking, Feng Yu wasn't too bad to me.
According to my best friends, Feng Yu was their top choice.

He had financial means, good looks, a great figure,
and even his sexual prowess fascinated me.

While it's true that things change after you've won someone over,
Feng Yu was always very considerate and caring.

I know I already had a lot, but humans aren't inherently content.

After being spoiled, my values became skewed,
leading to insatiable demands—for sex, money, and affection.

This resulted in our breakup six months later.
Feng Yu initiated it, subtly suggesting we take some time to cool off.

I suggested getting back together.
That night, after a night out with my girlfriends, I got drunk and started crying on the phone.
Strangely enough, I ended up in Feng Yu's bed that night, rolling around in bed with him.

Anyway,
the next morning, when I lay on his shoulder and hugged him, asking if he wanted to get back together,
he said yes and went to work.

I checked his room carefully and only felt relieved when I found no other women's belongings.
I know this is selfish, and I'll never deny it.

After getting back together, life went on as usual,
and I tried to change my old princess-like behavior.

But it's easy to go from frugality to extravagance, but hard to
go from extravagance to frugality. Besides falling into the mire again, we went through another period of on-again, off-again relationships.

It wasn't until that time when the supposedly gentle Feng Yu yelled at me, "What do you want?" that I realized the situation was serious.
But by then, I already
felt that something was missing between us, like something was missing.

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When I told my girlfriends about this, unsurprisingly, they all pointed the finger at me.
My best friend, Min Qi, even stepped forward without hesitation, saying she was ready to accept Feng Yu,
until I gave her a glare and she obediently sat down.

"Why do you all think he's so great?"

"Please, he's the chairman's son! Marry him and a life of wealth and luxury awaits you." Min Qi naturally spoke first.

"The point is, he's rich, handsome, and has a great physique. What's there to be picky about?" Xiao Ke chimed in from the side.

"Money is important, but I'm not that materialistic," I said. After I finished speaking, they all looked at me with disdain.
"Besides, his dad made him start from the hardest department, so he often works overtime and all that," I added.

"Do you know you've been raised to be a princess?" Xiao Ke said.

"I know, but I'm trying to change." "

Then what do you think is wrong with him?" Min Qi asked, this question bothering me.

"It seems... there's nothing."

"That's why I said I don't understand you."

"It feels like there's no feeling of being in love."

"It's been so long, and you still expect the feeling of being in love? At least there shouldn't be a huge difference before and after dating."

"I don't know, I just feel like something's missing."

"Anyway, if you don't want it, I'll accept it," Min Qi said. I pinched her cheek and then steered the conversation to the latest gossip
to end my relationship exercise.

I never expected those gossipy women to solve anything for me;
all they really see is money, money, money, handsome, handsome, and that's it.

—Unsurprisingly,

during those three days of arguing, they dragged me to a nightclub.
Then I was back to being in a noisy environment, swaying back and forth with strangers. Honestly, I had no idea what was so fun about it.

I stood alone in a corner, staring blankly at my phone.
Maybe I should say something to Feng Yu, but what then?
Back to the old life? And continue this cycle of breaking up and getting back together?

"It's noisy, isn't it?" A man walked up to me, his faint cologne making me inhale
a few .

"Yeah." I didn't know what to say, so I gave an awkward smile.

"Were you dragged here?" he said, his profile unusually handsome in the darkness.

"Sort of." I think my expression must have been tense.

"What a coincidence, me too." He gave a wry smile.

"I don't know why, but when I'm in a bad mood, they always like to drag me to nightclubs." I started a conversation.

"You had a fight with your boyfriend?" He smiled at me, and I noticed his thick eyebrows and big eyes were a big plus.

"Yeah, I'm used to it."

"Take care of yourself." He tapped my head. It was strange to do that in a nightclub, but I could feel his warmth,
maybe it was his smile, I thought.

"So you know I don't cherish things?" I laughed, a rare laugh I'd had in days.

"Because I'm here in front of you." He laughed too, it sounded like a joke but I knew he wasn't.

"Stop being so conceited." I deliberately turned my head away, pretending not to care.

"I'll give you a wonderful evening." He took my hand, a gesture that surprised me. A man so proactive was either
extremely confident, crazy, or both.

I didn't resist letting him lead me, and then I got into his car without resistance.
Although it wasn't my usual imported car.

"I haven't had much to drink, don't worry."

"It just means you drank quite a bit," I teased him.

"You're really quick-witted," he turned and smiled at me.

"Likewise."

He didn't say much the way, just opened the car window to let the wind in.
Occasionally, he would hum a tune, a light and cheerful one.

I hadn't even considered where I was being taken.
His house? A motel? Or perhaps a deserted cemetery?

But I didn't feel any aversion; it was better than being stuck in that noisy dance floor.

The car drove away from the city, heading towards the coast.
I watched the streetlights rush past, then calmed my mind.

I was sitting in an unknown man's car, which made me laugh to myself.
Maybe one day I'd be kidnapped and sold, and I'd even help count the money.

"We're here," he stopped the car, his expression relaxed.

I knew where I was because I could smell the strong scent of the sea.
I followed him onto the road and looked at the sea under the moonlight.

"I originally planned to come alone tonight, but then I thought it would be too lonely, so I went to the nightclub with him."

"Did you have a fight with your girlfriend?" For some reason, I started to care about whether he had a girlfriend or not.

"It's good that we had a fight." He smiled wryly.

"Yeah."

"Are you cold?" Before I could answer, he took my hand.
A warm current flowed into my body, I didn't know if it was physical or psychological.

"I have a boyfriend." I said that, but I didn't let go.

"Let's pretend we don't have one today." He smiled at me, the pale moonlight reflecting on his face.

I slowly told him my story with Feng Yu, I don't know why I did it.
Maybe it was because I was afraid of running out of things to talk about and it would be awkward, or maybe I just thought this man in front of me was reliable.

I told the story in a disjointed way,
talking about the problems between Feng Yu and me,
talking about my sisters,
talking about how I nestled in his arms.

I knew this was bad, and I was also very sober, not drunk.
I knew I shouldn't have responded more forcefully when he kissed me.
I knew I shouldn't have moaned when he held my waist.
I know I shouldn't have resisted when he took off my clothes.

I know I shouldn't have
just made love to him and forgotten I had a boyfriend.

I made love to him,
to someone I'd never met,
on a freezing seaside embankment,
amidst a wavering, indecisive mood.

I know any reason I give will be dismissed as an excuse, so I won't explain.

After we were done, he told me to stop arguing and make up, which left me stunned for a few seconds.
My body betrayed me; I called Fengyu, apologized, and then we got back together.
It was a bit ambiguous,
like making up in preparation for the next argument.

I looked at him driving, his handsome profile, and remembered what he'd just said.

"It's good to have something to argue about."

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, who knows?

—

When my girlfriends asked about my sudden departure that day, I always laughed it off,
even though Xiao Ke kept insisting she saw me leave with a man.

Fengyu and I got back together, but a rift had clearly appeared.
Sometimes when he was tired from working overtime or when I went out with my girlfriends, we would sleep separately.
The only thing we had in common was that we slept in the same bed, nothing more.

I do think about that man whose name I don't even know,
for some reason he's always so vivid in my memory.

He didn't leave his contact information, and I wasn't crazy enough to write down his license plate number.
I didn't have high expectations to begin with, after all, I know what kind of people I'll meet in a nightclub.

Even so, I still felt a little attached,
like an itch on my heart as a scab that's about to heal is about to peel off.

And that day, I don't know if it was because my period was acting up,
or because Fengyu was working overtime and I was staring blankly at the bed.

I don't know where I got the courage,
but I just rode my motorcycle, which Fengyu hadn't started in a long time because he thought it was dangerous, out the door.

I followed my memory to that embankment, and when I saw that familiar motorcycle, I felt a little teary-eyed.
Although I didn't even know why I was crying.

The first thing I said to him was "Hi, we meet again,"
after all, it would be too embarrassing for a woman with a boyfriend to say something ambiguous.

"How did you know I was here?" he asked with a charming smile.

"I just came whenever I wanted."

"So even princesses ride motorcycles?" I sensed he was teasing me.

"I think I'll just go home."

"Haha, you mean you missed me?"

"Shut up." I glared at him, not sure if he saw me, but he definitely shut up.

I sat down next to him, and this time he was well-behaved, not asking if I was cold before taking my hand.
To my surprise, I felt a little disappointed.

"What's wrong? Did you fight with your boyfriend again?" After a long while, he finally spoke.

"No, I missed you." I could anticipate his surprised look, so I didn't turn around.

But he wasn't surprised; instead, he gave a wry smile.

"I don't touch women who have boyfriends."

"You already did, and you're still trying to deny it."

"That day was a yes."

"So you just obviously wanted to play around."

"No."

"What else?"

"I said, I just wanted to give you a nice night."

"But you didn't say this night would make me miss you terribly."

He looked at me with a smile, seemingly surprised by my seriousness.
I didn't react much, but I knew it was terrible for a woman with a boyfriend to act like this.

"Find your soul, then come talk to me," he said calmly, then lit a cigarette facing the sea.

I looked at him, somewhat puzzled, seemingly not understanding the meaning of finding my soul.
I walked down the embankment and onto the motorcycle.
He turned to look at me, then took a drag of his cigarette.

"My name is Li Wu."

"Zi Ting."

"Perfection is just the driving force towards an ideal, not the final form of that ideal." He exhaled a puff of smoke ahead.

—

I don't know if my current on-again, off-again relationship counts as being in love,
but I know this isn't the ideal I want.

So one day, I
seriously told Feng Yu that we should talk.

His eyes were serious as he looked at me, and he became serious too.

"What's wrong?" he said.

"I think we shouldn't continue like this."

Feng Yu fell into a very long silence.
Just when I thought time had stood still, Feng Yu finally spoke.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I feel like there's no love left between us." As I said it, tears fell.

"Hmm." I was a little flustered by Feng Yu's coldness.

"I don't want to keep arguing and getting back together, like this never ends."

"Am I not good to you?"

"No, you're very good to me. I just can't find a reason to love you anymore."

"Why don't you think about who has tolerated everything about you all these days?" Feng Yu almost shouted.
"You get whatever you want, you're treated like a princess, and every time I've been so accommodating."
"You argue whenever you want, you get back together whenever

you want, but has anything ever really changed?" "I think you've misunderstood me." I wiped away my tears.
"Maybe what everyone envies isn't necessarily true happiness."

Feng Yu pushed me down onto the bed, and I stared at him in terror.
He pulled down his pants and entered me without a second thought.

"Why? I love you so much, I'm so good to you, and you still treat me like this?" Feng Yu roared as he entered me.
"Why? Why? Why?!" He was almost frantic, and all I could do was cry.

The deterioration of a relationship is never one person's fault.
That's how relationships are; there's no right or wrong.

I felt his movements stop, and the tears on my shoulder.
My heart ached, but it was too late.

At some point, the rift between us had grown so deep and unfathomable
that even the most perfect things couldn't fill it.

I gently patted his shoulder and softly said, "I'm sorry."
Then I put on my coat and got on the motorcycle.

It was just returning to life before Fengyu.
No princess, no chauffeured car, no exorbitantly priced meals.

I inserted the key and started the engine.
I didn't know if my soul had returned, because my mind was still blank.

The yellowish streetlights flashed past again,
and I watched the speedometer climb.

"Find your soul, then talk to me,"

I remembered that phrase,
and then I thought of the man named Liwu.
I remembered his profile in the dim moonlight,
the warmth of his hand,
the cigarette he lit.

I remembered the vain version of myself,
the tears shed during arguments,
the imperfections behind the perfection.

"Perfection is merely the driving force towards an ideal, not the final form of that ideal."

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